The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 4, Episode 14 - Lucy Discovers Wayne Newton - full transcript

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Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon.

Mr. Mooney, we all
know that to err is human

and to forgive divine.

And since I'm only human
and, and you're so divine...

Oh, he's not divine.

Oh...

Mr. Mooney's office.

Oh, hi, Mary Jane.

Yes. That was me you saw
coming home in a bathrobe



at 5:00 this morning.

What do you mean,
where had I been?

I'd been running up
and down the street,

looking for Mr. Mooney's dog.

Yes. He left Nelson with
me when he went out of town.

When I let Nelson out
after dinner last night,

he ran away.

I put an ad in the
paper last night.

Oh, I'd just better find that dog
before Mr. Mooney gets back.

No, no, he won't
fire me... He'll kill me!

- I'll be back...
- It's blastoff time!

Well, good morning,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Hi, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, well, how was your trip?



Oh, I enjoyed myself immensely.

You know, no matter how
many years you work in a bank,

there's always something
exciting about a foreclosure.

Yes, especially when
you've gotten back

most of your
original investment.

Well, I'm so glad to see that
you're in such a divine mood.

Oh, never felt
better, never better.

- That's good. That's good.
- No, I, I...

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael...

Yes?

I see you've done it again.

What, sir?

Uh, would you
explain this, please?

Oh, this is an
application for a loan.

I know it's a loan application.

What puzzles me is, why
is it whenever I go away

and someone comes
in here for a loan,

you always wind up as
a character reference.

Oh, uh... oh, well, I-I just
like to help people, I guess,

and... and Mr. Morton of
the Morton Record Company

seemed like such a nice man.

And he said all he needs
is just one hit record,

and then he'll be right
back up on-on top again.

Well, I admire your idea

of conducting your
own war on poverty...

but not with the
bank's ammunition.

Yes, sir.

Yes, and Mr. Cheever would
like you to see these contracts.

Oh, uh... Mrs. Carmichael,

uh, before I dig
into all this work

that's piled up here, I'd
like to go to your apartment,

pick up my dog
and take him home.

Oh, uh, Mr. Mooney,
uh, I don't think

- we ought to go get him now.
- Why not?

Well, uh, wh-wh-when I
left the house this morning,

he was still asleep.

Oh, I-I hope he's not ill.

No, no, no. I let him stay up
and watch the late, late show.

Now, you shouldn't
have done that.

Well, it was Lassie.

Oh. Well...

- You know how he loves Lassie.
- Yes...

I just couldn't help
giving in to him.

You know what happens
when he looks at you

with those big, brown eyes.

Oh, I do, I do.

Oh, I've missed him so.

You've no idea how
anxious I am to see him again.

- Me, too.
- Hmm?

I mean, uh, I-I-I've
grown very fond of Nelson,

and I look forward
to seeing him.

Oh, that's nice. That's...

- Oh, by the way...
- What?

I hope you haven't
mentioned a single word

about my getting back today.

To whom?

To Nelson.

When I walk into your apartment,

I want it to be a
complete surprise.

Oh. Well, it'll be a
surprise, all right.

But before we go to pick
up Nelson, don't you think

that you ought to let Mr. Cheever
know that you're back?

There's been an awful lot of
business while you've been gone.

That's... That's a good idea.

- Big deals are coming up.
- Yes...

You know, Mrs. Carmichael,

you're developing into a
very dependable secretary.

Oh, thank you.

Oh! Oh, and I want you
to accept this little $20 gift

for taking such
good care of my dog.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Mooney,

but I wouldn't feel right
accepting that check.

Now, now, now, Nelson
and I want you to have it.

Yes, now, I'll tell
Mr. Cheever that I'm back.

Eh... Oh. Never mind.

I'll get it, I'll get it.

Hello?

Calling in reference to what?

Oh, well, I'll let you
talk to Mrs. Carmichael.

She's right here.

Somebody calling
about a lost dog.

Hello?

Oh, yes. Yes, a black
and white sheepdog.

Yes, that's him.

Oh, I'm so glad you found him.

A lost dog?!

It's all right.

- It's all right. He's been found.
- What?!

Now, now, now,
don't get excited.

Where did you say the dog is?

Shady Acres Farm, Canoga Park.

Thank you. I'll get
out there right away.

You'll bet you'll get
out there right away!

I will...

Mrs. Carmichael, if anything
has happened to that dog, I'd...

Well, nothing has. Nothing has.

And Mrs. Carmichael!

I know! I know...!

Come and get it!

♪ Oh, we ain't got
a barrel of money ♪

♪ Maybe we're ragged and funny ♪

♪ But we'll travel along ♪

♪ Singing a song side by side ♪

♪ Oh, we don't know
what's coming tomorrow ♪

♪ Maybe it's
trouble and sorrow ♪

♪ But we'll travel the road ♪

♪ Sharing our
load side by side ♪

♪ Came through all
kinds of weather ♪

♪ Now, what if our
sky should fall? ♪

♪ As long as we're together ♪

♪ It doesn't matter at all ♪

♪ When they've all had
their quarrels and parted ♪

♪ We'll be the
same as we started ♪

♪ Traveling along ♪

♪ Singing a song ♪

♪ Side... ♪

♪ By... ♪

♪ Side. ♪

Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!

Is there anybody around here?

Yes, ma'am, right here.

Oh, uh, ar-are you Mr. Newton?

Yes, ma'am.

- Well, I'm Lucy Carmichael.
- Oh, hi!

I put the ad in the
paper about the dog.

Oh, yes, ma'am. Nelson!

- Here, Nelson. Here, Nelson.
- Oh!

- Is this your dog, ma'am?
- Oh, it sure is.

Oh, and am I glad to see him.

Oh, how'd you know
his name was Nelson?

Well, I saw the owner's
name on his collar there,

and it said
"Theodore J. Mooney."

So then I began to figure,

what would a gentleman with a
name like Theodore J. Mooney

name his dog?

And when he didn't answer
to "Hubert" or "Calvin,"

I tried "Nelson."

That is amazing.

You have what they call
extrasensory perception.

Well, folks around here
just call it plain horse sense.

I didn't think horses
were that smart.

Well, I'll bet you never
heard of two horses

running into each
other on the freeway.

Now, no, I haven't.

I think this world
would be better off

with less horsepower
and more horse sense.

Hear, hear, now! Well...

Yeah, but tell me, where
did you find Nelson?

Oh, in town.

I was coming out of
the hardware store,

and he was just sitting there.

And we got to talking
about the weather.

You what?

Well, actually, ma'am,
I did most of the talking.

I, uh, happened to
mention how hot it was,

and he looked awful thirsty,

so I gave him some water, and
he must've followed me home.

Well, he certainly
seems to like you.

Well, animals and me
kind of take to each other.

Yeah, I can see that.

I hope I don't have any
trouble getting him out of here.

Well, if you... if you do
have any trouble, ma'am,

I'll tell you what you do.

Just sing to him,
'cause he loves singing.

That's funny; I was singing
the night he ran away.

Well, I'd better get him
back to Mr. Mooney.

Well, ma'am, if you
could just wait a minute,

'cause Nelson hasn't
finished his lunch yet.

Oh, okay, but then
I'll have to get going.

Okay. Come on, Nelson.

Here we go.

Yeah, here comes your lunch.

Go ahead and finish it,
now. Just enjoy it there.

I hope you'll forgive Nelson
if he just eats and runs.

Oh... How about you, ma'am?

Would you care, uh, for some
homemade oatmeal cookies

- and fresh milk?
- I would... Oh, I'd love that.

Okay.

Mmm! Oh, these are wonderful.

- Here you go, ma'am.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, I haven't had
fresh milk like this

since I was a little girl
on my grandmother's farm.

Uh, ma'am, the-the
cookies'll taste better

if you just dunk
'em right in the milk.

Oh, yes, I remember.

Mmm.

Mmm... oh, delici...

Delicious.

I don't know why
people frown on dunkin',

'cause the cookies and milk
are gonna get together anyway.

Thank you, girls.

The cows like a little
joke once in a while, too.

You mean to tell me
that they understand

what you're saying?

Well, they seem
to know when I'm...

They seem to know
when I'm telling a joke.

Oh, now, come on,
girls, it wasn't that funny.

They're just trying to remind
me that it's milking time.

- Would you excuse me, ma'am?
- Oh, sure.

I think I'm sitting on
your milking stool.

Oh, no, ma'am, that's all right,

'cause we have
automatic milkers here.

- Oh.
- Are you ready, Bessie?

Give 'er all you got.

That milking machine has a
pretty good beat, huh, ma'am?

Sure has.

Well, what's the guitar for?

Well, music makes
cows give more milk.

- It does?
- Seems to.

Uh, ma'am, I could use
that milking stool right now.

Oh, what for?

Well, I always prop my
foot up on the milking stool

- when I play my guitar.
- Oh.

What are you gonna sing?

"Down By the Old Milk Stream"?

That was a good
one, huh, Bessie?

Yeah.

No, I'm gonna sing one
of Bessie's favorite songs.

- Okay.
- Okay.

♪ My daddy gave a calf to me
for a Christmas present once ♪

♪ I picked a little heifer out ♪

♪ 'Cause both of us were runts ♪

♪ She never had no sense ♪

♪ But she grew up
all right somehow ♪

♪ And when it
comes to giving milk ♪

♪ She's an educated cow ♪

♪ Bessie the heifer ♪

♪ The queen of all the cows ♪

♪ Gives more milk
than any law allows ♪

♪ In the morning she
gives pasteurized ♪

♪ At night she
gives homogenized ♪

♪ Bessie the heifer ♪

♪ The queen of all the cows ♪

♪ I took her to a county
fair to try to win a prize ♪

♪ She knew just
what was goin' on ♪

♪ I saw it in her eyes ♪

♪ The contest made her nervous ♪

♪ She tried so hard to plead ♪

♪ And when I tried to milk her,
all I got was cottage cheese ♪

♪ Bessie the heifer ♪

♪ The queen of all the cows ♪

♪ She gives more milk
than any law allows ♪

♪ In the morning she
gives pasteurized ♪

♪ At night she
gives homogenized ♪

♪ Bessie the heifer ♪

♪ The queen of all the cows ♪

♪ I planted me a 'tater patch
to try to earn some dough ♪

♪ To take a short vacation
with some city folks I know ♪

♪ No one would milk that cow,
no matter how hard I'd nag ♪

♪ So Pa took my vacation,
leavin' me to hold the bag ♪

♪ With Bessie the heifer ♪

♪ The queen of all the cows ♪

♪ Gives more milk
than any law allows ♪

♪ In the morning she
gives pasteurized ♪

♪ At night she
gives homogenized ♪

♪ Bessie the heifer ♪

♪ The queen of all the cows. ♪

Oh, that is the cutest
song I ever heard.

Thank you.

And you know, you have
a very wonderful voice.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

Gee, I have got
to tell Mr. Morton

about your platter potential.

Tell who about my what?

Uh, Mr. Morton...
He's the president

of the Morton Record
Company, and he's looking for a...

a new recording star,
somebody just like you.

Oh, no, ma'am. I
couldn't do anything...

Now, now, you've
got a wonderful voice,

and you shouldn't
let it go to waste.

I'm going to ask him to
come over here right now.

- Uh, could I use a phone someplace?
- Well, yes, ma'am.

There's one right on
the other side of that post.

- Right down here?
- Right th... right here.

Right here, ma'am.

- Right here?
- Yes, ma'am.

Maybe I ought to send a message.

Pardon me, please.

♪ The world still is the same ♪

♪ Ah, you'll never change it ♪

♪ As long as the stars ♪

♪ Shine up above ♪

♪ You're nobody ♪

♪ Until somebody loves you ♪

♪ Find yourself somebody ♪

♪ Hey, look about
and find somebody ♪

♪ Find yourself
somebody to love. ♪

Well...

Well, how about
that, Mr. Morton?

He's sensational.

He's even better
than that. He's good.

I told you, I told you.

How do you like him, Mr. Mooney?

Well, I thought the
boy was quite good,

and I appreciate
his finding my dog,

but why did you have to
drag me all the way out here

to this... to this Noah's Ark?

Well, I... I wanted
to get you together

with Mr. Morton, since his
record company needs a loan.

I thought, if you
heard the boy sing,

you'd know it was a good risk.

Banks don't take risks;
they take collateral.

You cannot assume that a pair
of teenage tonsils is collateral.

Yeah, well, but
look, Mr. Mooney...

Oh, n-never mind,
Mrs. Carmichael.

With this kid's
talent, they'll all want

to swing with some loot
for a piece of the action.

They will?

Oh, his first record'll make
over a half a million dollars.

A half a million dollars?

Really?

He's got the greatest
new gimmick in years.

- Well, what's that?
- He can sing.

Oh, yes.

Terrific...

Son... son, have you ever
sung in front of an audience?

- Well, only once.
- When was that?

Just now.

Beautiful! A complete unknown.

Just what the public loves.

This kid's a goldmine.

- Yeah.
- Oh, uh, uh, Mr. Morton?

Yes, Mr. Mooney?

Uh, al-although the bank
is somewhat reluctant

to make a loan to a business as
capricious as a record company,

I see no reason why I
couldn't personally invest

in your goldmine...

Uh... your, uh, protégé.

Mr. Mooney, I feel
awkward accepting a loan

from someone who doesn't
understand the music business.

Oh, well, now, just because
I'm a banker doesn't mean

I'm so square, I couldn't
swing with a little loot

for a piece of the action.

Mr. Mooney, to
finance a recording

would cost about ten big ones.

Ten big ones?

$10,000.

Ooh, uh...

Well, uh, ten big
ones coming up.

Here now...

Wayne, did you hear that?

Isn't that wonderful?

Mr. Mooney is
buying a piece of you.

Well, I just hope he
gets a piece that sings.

Hello, Wayne.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Carmichael.

My, you look nice.

- Thank you.
- How do you feel?

I'm about as nervous
as a long-tailed cat

in a room full
of rockin' chairs.

Aw...

Now, you just relax.

Just pretend you're
singing to your cows

back home in your barn.

- Okay. I'll try.
- Okay.

- Hiya, son. Are you ready?
- Oh...

I reckon I'm about as
ready as I'll ever be.

All right. Here's the mic.

- Now, you just sing out.
- Okay.

Now, Wayne, before we start,

we're gonna give
you a little arpeggio.

Oh, you'd better not
do that, Mr. Morton.

Why not?

'Cause I'm still a minor.

Wayne, an arpeggio is
a musical introduction.

Oh. Oh.

Then you come
in on the downbeat.

- On the downbeat?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay, let's try it.

Hit it, fellas.

Hold it, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it.

Why didn't you come
in on the downbeat?

Oh, is that what that was?

- Mr. Morton.
- Yes?

Mr. Morton, instead of
giving him a downbeat,

couldn't you just make a
noise like a milking machine?

A milking machine?

Yeah. You see, back in the
barn, when he sings to the cows,

he turns on a milking machine,
and it has a real good beat.

Mrs.-Mrs.-Mrs.
Carmichael, sit down.

- Mrs. Carmichael... J-Just s...
- No, but that's... it would help

if he had that.

Just sit, just sit...
just sit down, just...

Now relax. Take it easy.

All right, hit it, fellas.

Try it again.

♪ May be king ♪

♪ May possess ♪

♪ The world and its gold ♪

♪ That gold won't
bring you happiness ♪

♪ When you're growing old ♪

♪ The world's still the same ♪

♪ You'll never change it ♪

♪ As long as the... ♪

Cut it, cut it, cut it,
cut it, cut it, cut it.

Wayne, would you mind
explaining what this is?

Oh, well, I-I always
put my milking...

I always put my foot
up on the milking stool

when I play the guitar.

I don't mind a singer
having mannerisms,

but you're playing charades.

Mr. Morton, what
difference does it make

what he does with
his hands and his feet?

He's making a record.
Nobody'll see him.

There'll be disc
jockeys here tonight.

You want them to think
he's some kind of a nut?

Oh, well, just tell 'em to
close their eyes and listen.

Oh, it's no use, ma'am.

I ain't gonna be
able to sing tonight.

Oh, Wayne...

What do you mean
you can't sing tonight?

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Morton,

but everything is so
strange to me here.

I feel about as much at home

as a porcupine in
a balloon factory.

Aw.

A porcupine in
a balloon factory!

That's funny.

That is funny.

That is about as funny
as a hole in a parachute.

Now, look, Mr. Morton,
let's forget the whole thing.

Just give me back
my $10,000, and I'll...

- Oh, Mr...
- What $10,000?

How do you think I
hired these musicians,

rented this studio...

flyin' disc jockeys in
from all over the country?

Mrs. Carmichael, you
are the cause of this!

Well, I was only trying
to help somebody.

Help somebody?!

You probably helped saddle
General Custer's horse!

Oh, I did not.

- Oh, he...
- Now, look...

Look, Wayne's just
a little nervous now.

He'll be all right.

No, I won't.

You see? You see?!

Oh, if he doesn't sing
tonight, I'll be ruined.

You'll be ruined?!

I'm the one who's
losing ten big ones!

- Oh!
- Mr. Mooney!

- I don't know what I'm gonna do!
- Mr. Mooney, wait a minute!

I don't know...

Oh, dear.

Wayne... Wayne, now look.

It's still two hours before
the disc jockeys get here.

If I go out to your farm,
and I get your-your boots

and your hat, your blue
jeans and your guitar

and anything else I could find,

would that make you
feel more comfortable?

Well, yes, ma'am, that
might make me feel better.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Now you keep on rehearsing,
and I-I'll be right back.

- Oh, ma'am!
- Yeah?

Ma'am, don't forget
my milking stool.

No, I won't.

- Wayne?
- Yes, ma'am.

Wayne?

- Okay, the gang's all here now.
- Oh, wonderful.

- There's your milking stool.
- Thank you, ma'am.

- And here's your guitar.
- Oh, thank you.

Now, you just sing out, boy.

Okay, I'll try.

Here we go.

♪ Now, you're nobody
till somebody loves you ♪

♪ You're nobody till
somebody cares ♪

♪ Now, you may be king ♪

♪ Ah, you may possess ♪

♪ The world and its gold ♪

♪ That gold won't bring
you any happiness ♪

♪ When you're growing old ♪

♪ The world, don't you
know, it's the same ♪

♪ Hey, you're never
gonna change it ♪

♪ No matter how hard you try ♪

♪ As long as the
stars shine up above ♪

♪ You're no-nobody till some ♪

♪ Till somebody loves you ♪

♪ Find yourself
somebody to love ♪

♪ Now, you're no-nobody till
some-somebody loves you ♪

♪ Now, you're nobody
till somebody cares ♪

♪ Now, you may be king ♪

♪ Hey, you may possess ♪

♪ The world and
all of its gold ♪

♪ But that gold won't
bring you any happiness ♪

♪ When you're growing old ♪

♪ I said the world, don't
you know, is the same ♪

♪ Hey, you'll never change it ♪

♪ As long as the
stars shine up above ♪

♪ Now, you're no-nobody till
some-somebody loves you ♪

♪ Find yourself
somebody to love ♪

One more time!

♪ Now, the world, don't
you know, is the same ♪

♪ Ah, you'll never change it ♪

♪ I don't care
how hard you try ♪

♪ As long as the
stars shine up above ♪

- ♪ Now, you're nobody ♪
- ♪ You're nobody ♪

- ♪ You're nobody ♪
- ♪ You're nobody ♪

♪ You're nobody till
somebody loves you ♪

♪ Find yourself somebody ♪

♪ Hey, hey, everybody ♪

♪ Find somebody ♪

♪ Find yourself somebody ♪

♪ To love. ♪

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