The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 7 - Lucy, the Meter Maid - full transcript

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four. One, two...

Lucy, have you seen
my new garter belt?

I thought it was up
there in the drawer.

I can't find it anyplace.

I just bought it the other day,

and this is the first time
I've wanted to wear it and...



There it is!

What are you doing
with my new garter belt?!

Aw, come on,
Viv, let me have it.

I haven't finished yet.

Give me that!

I need it to keep in shape.

Well, I need it to
keep my shape in.

Come on. Now, give it here!

Oh, all right.

You did that on purpose.

- I did not, Viv.
- Oh, you did, too.

Mind if I borrow this?

What's the big idea?

I gotta exercise.



Well, take my advice, and
don't work up an appetite.

Why not?

Well, because you're broke,

and if my alimony check
isn't in this morning's mail,

we're gonna be eating
leftovers for dinner.

So what? We've
eaten leftovers before.

Yeah, but these
leftovers are left over

from last night's leftovers.

Well, Viv, you just better
get down to the bank

and ask Mr. Mooney
to loan me some money

until I get my allowance.

Me go?

Oh, Lucy, Mr. Mooney
wouldn't give me money for you

if you'd been declared
a disaster area.

Well, at least you
could give it a try.

Why don't you handle
him the way I do?

Be pleasant,
butter him up a little,

and then very casually get down
on your knees and beg for $50.

Lucy, I couldn't get
$50 out of that tightwad

if I got down on my knees
with a pair of loaded dice.

Now, look, you
can use my system:

tell him the
children are starving,

and take out your handkerchief
and wipe away some tears.

But be sure and tell him
it's a matter of life and death

that I get $50.

What if he only offers me ten?

Grab it.

Oh, come on, now, Lucy.

You play that scene so well.

Why do you send me?

I can't go.

Why not?

Because I have to go to work.

Go to work?

Yeah, that's why I'm
trying to get in condition.

Have you got a job?

Oh, come on, now.

What kind of a job is it?

I can't tell you.

Oh, come on, now,
Lucy, you gotta tell me.

Sorry, Viv.

Oh, now, Lucy, just give
me a hint. Just a little.

All I can say is it's the
most exciting, thrilling

and dangerous work
a woman ever had.

You're not thinking of
going into the ring, are you?

Nope, you're not even warm.

- Now, Lucy, come on and tell me.
- No.

Oh, now, Lucy, now, I'll
get it out of you somehow.

No.

If you've got a job, I
want to know what it is.

No.

- Oh, come on, now, Lucy, and tell me!
- No.

I'll get it out of you somehow.

Now, come on and tell me.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Bagley.

Oh, what a beautiful carnation.

Oh, thank you. I
grow them myself.

You must have a green thumb.

Yes, from counting green money.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, you do have
a delicious sense of humor.

Lucy sent me.

Another financial crisis.

Oh, I'll say it is, Mr. Mooney.

I don't even have a nickel
for the parking meter.

It's just one of those times
when my alimony check

and her allowance has
run another dead heat.

This is a business
institution, not a racetrack.

I'm not interested in
your photo finishes.

Well, I can't say I blame you.

Ours is not a
very pretty picture.

What's that for?

Isn't this where Mrs. Carmichael
told you to turn on the tears?

No, no, that comes after I
mention the starving children.

Oh, oh, Mr. Mooney,
believe me, this is serious.

And all Lucy wants is just
a little bit of an advance

on her own money.

Then why didn't Mrs.
Carmichael come herself?

She couldn't. She
had to go to work.

Work... She has another job?

Uh-huh.

What's she doing?

I don't know.

All I know is that she has to
keep in good physical shape.

And she says it's the most
exciting, dangerous job

that a woman ever had.

Maybe they're sending
her to the Moon.

Well, if they are,

they'll be sending her
on an empty stomach.

Believe me, now,
Mr. Mooney, we're just starving.

Oh, plea-plea-plea-please!

Could you just see
your way clear...?

Mrs. Carmichael has given
me the malnutrition bit before.

Oh, but, Mr. Mooney,
this time it's true.

Believe me, this morning I
stuck my head in the refrigerator,

and that's the only meat
that's been in there for a week.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, believe
me, there's no food!

And when mealtime comes around,

I start thinking
of the children.

Oh, good heavens, I can't have
you putting ketchup on them.

All right, I'll advance

Mrs. Carmichael a
few dollars for groceries.

- $50?
- Ten.

I'll take it.

Now, Mr. Mooney, how
about a nickel for me

for the parking meter, huh?

It seems to me you
have an account here.

Do you want me to
write a check for a nickel?

Unless you'd rather fill
out an application for a loan.

♪♪

♪♪

I got one. I got one.

I got one! My first one!

This is my first one.

I got 'em good, too.

My first one.

Yeah!

Oh, just a minute,
officer, just a minute.

Lucy!

Hi, Viv.

So this is your big secret.

Yeah, what do you think?

Oh, I never would have guessed.

My, you look wonderful
in that uniform.

Thank you. Isn't it great?

I just started an hour ago

and already I'm writing
out my first ticket.

Oh, congratulations.

Marvelous.

Wait a minute, you
can't write that ticket.

That's my car.

It is?

Oh, gee, how come
I didn't recognize it?

I had it washed.

I didn't know it was green.

What are you doing?

I have to finish
writing out your ticket.

Lucy, you can't
give me a ticket.

I have to.

Here's my nickel for the
meter, see? Right here.

Too late!

You wouldn't!

Let me see your
driver's license.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm just doing my duty, Viv.

The meter says "expired."

You make me wish you were.

Well, now I've got
to cite you for a 255.

What's that?

Abusive language
to a police officer.

But, Lucy, you can't
give me a ticket.

I went into the bank for you.

A likely story.

Oh, now, come on.

Now, you sent me.

Here's the money.

Oh, Viv, how could you?

How could I what?

You've just committed an 826.

826?

Yes, attempting to
bribe a police officer.

Are you writing that down?

I have to. It's in the manual.

But, Lucy, this is your money.

Excuses, excuses.

Let me see your
driver's license.

I will not.

All right, then I'll have

to put you down
as argumentative.

Oh, all right.

My number is 748235.

I have to have the license.

Are you calling me a liar?

No, but I've got to do things
according to the manual.

Oh, all right.

Hmm.

"Hair: blonde, eyes:
blue, date of birth..."

Oh, you must be kidding!

No wonder you didn't want
to show me your license.

So I happen to be a
year older than it says.

How many years older?

Oh, come on.

Give me the ticket and
let me get out of here.

Sorry, madam, but
I'll have to detain you.

Detain me?

Yes, when a driver's license
contains false information,

I have to turn in a 407.

A 407?

I have to run a make on you.

Run a make on me?

Yeah, it's an expression we
use down at headquarters.

All right, Mrs. Bagley, raise
your arms over your head

and lean forward over that car.

Why?

The manual says it's
required safety procedure

while detaining a suspect.

Now, go on and do it.

I'll do no such thing.

All right, unless you do,

I'll have to cite you
for resisting an officer.

Oh, okay.

All right, over the car.

All the way over.

Unit 11-A requesting a
want on one female suspect:

Bagley, Vivian.

Height: five-six, hair:
blonde, eyes: blue,

age: uncertain.

All right, 11-A, stand by.

Roger. They got a
wonderful system here, Viv.

This will only take a minute.

Well, I hope so,

because I'm getting tired
of playing cops and robbers.

Why don't you just
put the handcuffs on me

and hit me over the
head with a blackjack?

Watch it, watch it!

Get those hands
up over your head

and get back over that car.

Calling unit 11-A, unit 11-A.

We show no warrant
check on your suspect.

Roger. Over and out.

All right, madam, good news.

- What?
- You're clean.

Does that mean that I can go?

After you sign this ticket, yes.

Thank you.

There you are.

Aha! Litterbug!

Hi, girl!

Hey, wait till you hear

what a success I am
down at headquarters.

They said I gave
out more tickets

than any rookie they'd ever
had, including men rookies.

And, boy, did I make a big hit

with that seven-violation
ticket I gave you.

Thanks to you, I'm liable
to make sergeant soon.

Well, gee, Viv, aren't
you glad for me?

Oh, Viv, don't hold a grudge.

I was only doing my job.

Well, let's not talk shop.

I'm off-duty now.

Say, I noticed you took
up the hem of that skirt.

It's a good thing you did;
it makes it look real smart.

You know, Viv, I think
you've lost some weight.

No kidding, that outfit makes
you look five years younger

than your driver's license says.

Gee whiz, Viv.

No matter what kind
of beefs we've had,

we've never not talked.

At least we had the
decency and courtesy

to argue and yell at each other.

Oh, Viv, will you say something?

Anything!

Copper!

Well, I wish you'd
stop talking like that.

When will you civilians realize

that a policeman
is your best friend?

A policeman, yes,
but not a storm trooper.

Storm trooper?!

Why, you-you-you meter cheater!

Meter cheater?!

Oh, Viv, let's not quarrel.

Have you started dinner yet?

Not yet.

I just got back from
doing my shoplifting.

Oh, Viv, you're funny, honey.

Don't try to make up
with me, J. Edna Hoover.

Viv, I was only doing my job.

Well, your job is liable to
cost me a fortune in fines.

Well, I'm-I'm sorry, but I-I...

This is one job I
don't intend to lose.

And if you're unhappy
about that ticket,

you can just go fight city hall.

That's exactly
what I intend to do.

I am going to go to
court and fight that ticket.

Well, fine!

May the best man win.

No hard feelings.

Ah, I guess you were
only doing your job.

That's right.

You didn't know it was my car.

Of course I didn't.

And you are my best friend.

And I always will be.

Come on, honey, let's
go out in the kitchen

to have a cup of coffee, huh?

Ah, no, nothing like that.

I'm not allowed to consort
with known criminals.

City of Danfield versus
Mrs. Vivian Bagley.

Is Mrs. Bagley present?

Right here, Your Honor.

Will you step up here, please?

Yes, sir.

And Officer Carmichael.

Officer Carmichael,
traffic department,

badge number 8715,
district nine, 21st precinct,

division seven, vehicle
number 12, unit 11-A,

women's auxiliary.

Thank you.

Now, uh, Mrs. Bagley,

about these various
charges listed against you...

How do you plead to the
charge of overtime parking?

Not guilty, Your Honor.

Oh, come on, now.

Please, quiet.

Go ahead, Mrs. Bagley.

Well, you see, Your Honor,

I didn't have any change
for the parking meter,

so I went into the
bank to get some.

And when I came
out, there she was.

Will you please identify
whom you mean by "she"?

I mean, Officer Carmichael,

district nine, division
seven and all...

And did you explain your
situation to Officer Carmichael?

Oh, I certainly did, Your Honor.

She had no right to
give me that ticket.

I call 'em as I see 'em.

Your Honor, with
the court's permission,

I would like to prove that
her story is very questionable.

Permission granted.

You may be seated, Mrs. Bagley.

Yeah, sit down, Viv.

Uh, now, Your Honor, uh,
you see, this is Maple Street.

And this is the bank over here,

and you're the
saloon on the corner.

What?!

I mean, uh, you're
the cocktail lounge.

You're the cocktail lounge.

Now, there were three
cars parked right here

when I came around the corner.

I tripped as I got off.

I was right in front of the...

Officer Carmichael,
will you please explain

the meaning of this travesty?!

Well, with the
court's indulgence,

I'm trying to establish
a time element.

What time element?

I'm trying to establish that
there was more than enough time

for any normal person to go
into a bank and get some change.

Get off.

What do you say
to this, Mrs. Bagley?

Mr. Mooney here will testify
that I did go into the bank

and that I did ask for
change for the parking meter.

That's true, Your Honor.

Well, a transaction like that
shouldn't take much time.

She didn't have any money.

I finally had to write him
a check for five cents.

Well, cashing a check
doesn't take very much time.

Well, first we had
to check her balance.

For a nickel?

It was insufficient!

Then how could
you possibly expect

to take care of the meter?

Well, I expected
to take the money

out of the money that
he gave me to give to her.

Mr. Mooney, why would you
be giving a police officer money?

Because it was my money.

We handle her trust fund.

Well, if it's her money, why
did you give it to Mrs. Bagley?

Because I didn't want her head

to be the only meat
in the refrigerator!

Now, can we...

Let's start over with
this thing, and see if...

Will you go and sit
down someplace?

Mrs. Bagley.

Oh, yes, Your Honor?

How do you explain
these other charges?

- Uh...
- Attempting to bribe a policeman.

Yeah.

It was her money.

Can you prove it was her money?

Mr. Mooney?

Uh, uh, yes, Your Honor.

I have the canceled
check right here.

Right here, yeah.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd
like to get back to the bank.

Very well. Will you
hand this evidence

to the bailiff on your way out?

Thank you so much, Mr. Mooney,
for coming to help me out.

That's very sweet of you.

- Uh, Mrs. Bagley.
- Oh, yes, sir?

Yes, Your Honor?

How do you plead to
the rest of these charges?

Not guilty, Your Honor!

What?!

Oh!

Will you please?!

- Continue, Mrs. Bagley.
- Yes, Your Honor.

I was angry about the
injustice of the parking meter,

and she goaded me into
doing all of those other things.

By nature, I'm law-abiding,

pleasant, friendly, and...

Oh, sure.

But she provoked me.

Can you prove these statements?

Yes, Your Honor, with the
help of a character witness.

Very well.

Call your character witness.

I call Lucille Carmichael.

Me?!

I can't be a character witness.

Yes, you can!

Come up here.

Proceed.

On the morning that
you gave me the ticket,

did you or did you not have an
argument with Vivian Bagley?

I don't remember.

Oh, a likely story.

Do you deny that an
argument took place

between you and
said Vivian Bagley?

- You started it!
- Oh, that's beside the point.

- It is not beside the point!
- It is too beside the point.

- No, it isn't!
- Shh, shh! -

Ladies, ladies, please...

You start it all the time.

Officer Carmichael.

Mrs. Bagley,

it is only fair to point
out to you that you are

hurting your own case by
showing that you are quarrelsome.

Yes, sir.

- All right, sir.
- Continue.

Now, then, Your Honor,

I will prove to this
court that said argument

was not said
Mrs. Bagley's fault,

because it was caused by
what said Lucille Carmichael said.

What did I said?

Well, it wasn't
exactly what you said,

it was what you did.

Well, what did she did?

Ah!

I mean, what did she do?

Your Honor, wouldn't
you quarrel if you

walked into the living
room and found someone

pulling on your
brand-new garter belt?

I don't think I understand...

Well, she was pulling
it all out of shape!

That's what she was doing.

Oh, Vivian, I was not.

I was pulling on it like this.

Well, why would you be
pulling on anybody's garter belt?

So I could become a policeman.

What?!

I was getting in
shape for my physical.

That's very... in 20 years
on the bench, I've never...

You see? You see
how she provokes you?

You see, Your Honor?

You see how she provokes you?

Then you can imagine
her provoking me,

with my sweet disposition.

Oh, sweet disposition.

Well, perhaps some of these
charges have been provoked

and exaggerated!

Just a minute. What
about the charge

of falsifying her-her
driver's license?

Well, can you explain that?

Well, Judge,

I did make a little mistake
about the date of my birth.

Well...

That is not an uncommon
practice with the feminine sex.

And so far as a woman's
age is concerned,

I think our motor vehicle bureau

is chivalrous enough
to close one eye.

For the age she put down,

they'd have to close both
eyes and wear dark glasses.

Your Honor, that's
contempt of court.

Your Honor, do I have to stand
here and be cross-examined

by this bleach-blonde
Perry Mason?

Oh, you're talking.

Your hair hasn't been its
original color for 20 years.

- Is that so?
- 20 years that I know of.

Ladies...

You just happen to have
those dark roots showing...

Order, order in this court!

I am now going to render
my decision in this case.

But, Your Honor, you haven't
heard all the testimony yet!

Will you please let
me run my own court?!

Well, yes, if you
put it that way.

- All right, Mrs. Bagley.
- Yes, sir?

It is true, you were
parked overtime.

And for that, I am going
to fine you two dollars.

Is that all?

But in view of
mitigating circumstances,

I am going to suspend that fine,

and I am going to
dismiss all the other

- charges against you.
- Oh.

Officer Carmichael,

you overstepped
your bounds of duty.

And for that, I
should fine you $50!

However, since it was
your first day of duty,

I'm going to suspend
that fine on two conditions.

First, that you stop
being so overzealous!

Overzealous? What
does that mean?

That means drunk with power.

Thank you.

The second proviso
is that you will please

never again set
foot in my court!

Uh, Your Honor, I guess
I did go a little overboard

in performing my duties.

And I'll try never to
let it happen again.

Very well.

Case dismissed.

Thank you.

And I want to thank
you, too, Judge.

Uh, Judge, uh...

Judge Kasten.

- Judge Kasten.
- Yes.

Is that Jack Kasten?

Yes.

Is that Jack T. Kasten?

Yes.

Do you own a 1964
blue convertible?

Boy, are you in trouble.

Parked in a restricted
zone out there.

Lucille...

May I see your
driver's license, please?

Lucille...

Get that woman
out of this court!

But he's guilty as sin, Vivian!

Lucille...

Get her out of here!

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