The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 16 - Lucy and the Ceramic Cat - full transcript

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Oh, girl, my feet
are just killing me!

I never saw such
crowds at a bargain sale.

Yeah, but it was worth it.

We got some great bargains.

Yes, we did.



Table for two, please.

It'll just be a moment.

You can stand over there.

- Okay.
- Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

You know, we make a great team

at a bargain sale.

Thanks for running
interference for me

so I could get that last
pair of 39-cent stockings.

Well, that was
the least I could do

after what you did for me
in the lingerie department.

Oh, there's a chair.

Yeah, come on.

Put your stuff down there.



Oh, Viv, look!

There's a big sale at Bigelow's.

How'd we happen to miss that?

Look at that: dentures... $4.98.

Dentures... $4.98?

Yeah, they're made in Japan.

Gee, it's too bad
we don't need some.

Why don't you buy
them for your old age?

- Oh, it's Mr. Moo...
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Do you mind if we join you?

Yes.

Thank you.

Ah, Mrs., Mrs.
Carmichael, please!

- What?
- No! Don't!

Oh, good heavens.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Gee, that's a pretty gift.

Is it for someone?

Well, yes, but it isn't a
gift; it's a bowser bag.

Oh.

Yes, I'm having some bones
gift wrapped for my dog.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, dear.

Yes, ladies?

Oh, just two cups
of tea, please.

Yes, ma'am.

There you are.

There we are.

Well, are we, uh,
are we all settled?

Yes, I think so.

Oh, nice, nice.

Do you mind if I go
back to my lunch?

No, please do.

Go right ahead.

We're just gonna have some tea

and then get right back
to the bargain counters.

And what, uh, what
is in this package?

Oh, those are my fancy garters.

Well, your fancy garters
are on top of my liver.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Oh.
- That's too bad.

Gee, I didn't see
that, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, this is gonna taste good.

Ooh, I'll say it is.

Ah.

My, that package is
beautifully wrapped.

It certainly is.

Who's it for?

Yeah, who's it for?

Well, if you must
know, it's for my wife.

It's her birthday tomorrow.

Oh, isn't that nice?

You didn't forget
your wife's birthday.

How could I?

She's been reminding
me of it every day

for the past six weeks.

What did you get her?

Yeah, what'd you get her?

Well, it's something that she's
been wanting for a long time.

- What is it?
- Yeah, what is it?

Well, it's a
simply lovely cer...

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, no, it's supposed
to be a surprise.

And it would no longer be
a surprise if I told you two.

You'd blab it all over town.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, we would not.

Come on, now, you can tell us.

Yeah, you can tell us.
It won't go any further.

- It won't go any further.
- I know it won't,

because I'm not
going to tell you.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Well, if you feel
like that, don't tell us.

Oh, Vivian, it's almost 2:00.

We got to get back
to the battlefront.

- Okay.
- Gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Mooney,

but we're going to have to go.

Oh, you're just saying
that to make me feel good.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, you aren't.

Allow me.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're all set.

I got it.

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?

Mrs. Mooney just drove up.

She mustn't see
this; it's a surprise.

She can't see it until
tomorrow morning.

- Oh.
- Give it to me.

What? Give it to you?

Yeah, I'll pretend it's mine.

Oh! All right, all right.

Now, I'll pick it up later.

- Okay.
- And I'll take care of your check.

- Oh, thank you.
- Okay, thank you, Mr. Mooney.

- Bye-bye.
- Oh, uh, Mrs. Carmichael...

What?

I know how nosy you are.

So promise me you will
not open that package!

Mr. Mooney.

I give you my word of honor,
I will not open this package.

Let's go by the doctor's
and have it x-rayed.

No?

- No.
- All right, come on.

What a bargain sale.

I'm black-and-blue.

Well, a good bargain
is worth a bruise or two.

Viv, you better take off
Mr. Mooney's package.

I can't get these down.

Just a minute.

- There we are.
- Here.

I'd sure like to
know what's in here.

I'd give anything to
know what he bought her.

I think I'll open it.

Now, Lucy, Lucy, you
promised not to open that.

Well, you didn't
promise; you open it.

No!

Aren't you curious?

It really doesn't make
any difference to me

one way or the other.

It's kind of heavy.

Viv, it's ticking!

Mr. Mooney bought
his wife a time bomb!

That's your wristwatch you hear.

Oh.

Well, the way he talks
about her, you never know.

Now, you put that
down and just forget it.

That is none of your business.

Ah, I guess you're right.

None of my business.

Mr. Mooney wants to
buy his wife a present,

I guess that's just strictly
between the two of them.

Nobody else really has
any right to know what's in it.

Except me!

I just got to open it, Vivian!

- I just got to open it!
- Now, if you do,

if you do, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.

If I don't, I'll hate
myself all night

because I won't sleep a wink.

- Now, control yourself!
- I can't, Viv, I can't!

Oh, honestly, you ought to join
Package Openers Anonymous.

Please, Viv, please.

- No, no.
- Please, just let me have a little peek.

I am not gonna
let you open that.

- Please! Please, Viv!
- You promised that you wouldn't...

Now look what you did!

Me?!

You did that!

Sounds like it's broken.

Well, now you're
gonna have to open it,

because we're gonna
have to see what it is,

because we're gonna have
to get another one like it.

Well, good, I at least
get to see what it is.

Oh, Lucy.

Honest to goodness, Lucille.

You are the limit.

Ew!

What's the matter?

What is it?

A ceramic jigsaw puzzle.

Vivian, what are we going to do?

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll get a bottle of glue

and we'll glue it all
back together again.

Then as soon as
we see what it is,

we'll go and get
another one just like it.

Vivian, you are a genius.

Compared to you, yes, I am.

Go get a bottle of glue

and I'll start sorting
out all these pieces.

You're going to sort 'em out,

and then you're going to
put them all together again?

What do you think?

What is it?

Well, it looks like a
rhinoceros wrestling a parrot.

Please, Viv, no jokes, huh?

Now, where are we going
to find another one of these

if we don't know what it is?

Lucy, you got me.

Oh, Viv, I'm in such trouble.

What am I going to do?

Well, now, there are
two things you can do.

You can tell
Mr. Mooney the truth...

Yeah, I could do that.

Or you can lie to him.

I like that better.

Yeah, I think that I'll
just have to tell him that...

Oh, no. No, I can't lie
to him. I can't lie to him.

I'm just going to have to ask
him where he got this thing

and I'm just going
to have to go out

and get another
one just like it.

Okay, if you want
to do it the hard way.

Well, I-I'll be able
to worm it out of him.

I can be very subtle, you know.

Well...

Hello, Mrs. Carmichael...

It's Mr. Mooney.
It's Mr. Mooney.

Get that thing out of here.

Hurry.

- Oh, boy.
- Hurry up.

Oh, wait till I
get all the pieces.

Oh, the box. Just a
minute. Just a minute.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, what
a pleasant surprise.

Mrs. Carmichael, why did you...?

How long have
you been out there?

I didn't hear the bell.

You didn't hear the bell?

You just slammed
the door in my face.

Oh, was that you? I
thought it was a salesman.

Look, I stopped by...

Oh, I'm so glad you did.

- Now, let me have your hat.
- No, no, not... not now.

I stopped by to get
that gift for my wife.

- Yes, I know.
- Let me have it, please.

No. The gift you'll get, yes,

but let's just sit down
and have a hot cup of tea

- and talk for a little while.
- I don't have time.

I have to be at the chamber of
commerce meeting in 15 minutes.

The gift, please, huh?

Yes, yes, the gift.

You know, Mr. Mooney, it
is so beautifully wrapped.

I'll bet that it is a
very expensive, um...

Yes, it is.

I'll bet your wife will love it.

Any woman would
love to have a...

one of those.

Yes, and it happens to be

the prettiest one of
those that I could find.

Well, where did you find it?

- Lucy?
- Yes?

Could I see you
for just a minute?

Yes. Now you sit
down, Mr. Mooney.

Mrs., Mrs. Carmichael...
The gift, please.

- Yes, we'll be right out.
- I'm in a hurry.

Yes, we'll be right out.

- Did you find out what it is?
- No.

Well, did you find
out where he got it?

No. He just said he wants
it and he wants it right now.

Okay, then give it to him.

I rewrapped it and it
looks just as good as new.

Yeah, looks as good
as new on the outside,

but not on the inside.

We can't give him
this broken mess.

Oh, yes, we can.

Is it our fault if he was
clumsy and dropped it?

He didn't drop it, we did.

Well, he could drop it
with, uh, just a little help.

Oh, yeah.

And we're just the
kids that can help him.

I thought you'd never catch on.

Come on.

Here's your gift, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, thank you. Let
me have it, please.

Surely.

Oh, Mrs...!

Mrs. Carmichael,
this is breakable.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Mooney.

I don't know what came over me.

It was a stupid thing to do.

Oh, look at the bow...
It's coming off now.

Let me have it and I'll fix it.

The bow is perfectly all right.

I'll take it home,
fix it myself.

No, now, Mr. Mooney, I
insist on fixing the bow.

Don't... You let me have it.

It's all right, it looks good.

- All right.
- Let me have it!

Excuse me. I...

What are you doing down there?

Yes, Viv, what are
you doing down there?

For heaven's sake, get up.

- Well, uh...
- Get up.

Now-now let me
take it and fix that bow.

- The bow is really falling off.
- The bow looks lovely.

- Really, it looks lovely...
- Mr. Mooney.

Why do you want
to take that away?

I'm fixing the bow.

I just want to take the present
home to my wife, that's all.

I know, but you wouldn't
want to take that to Irma...

Why are you
grabbing it all the time?

It looks lovely.

I don't know
what's wrong with it.

Take it right home.

All right, fine,
thank you very...

- That's delightful.
- There you are.

Thank you very...

Oh, my goodness.

What's the matter?

Oh, it's all sticky
on the bottom.

Oh, oh, I accidentally
spilled all that glue.

- Aw.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Here, I'll wipe it off.

Oh.

- Oh, no.
- Isn't that too bad?

Now I'll have to have it
rewrapped at McCullough's.

- McCullough's?
- McCullough's?

We're going to McCullough's.

We're going to do
some shopping there.

We'll have it rewrapped for
you. Don't you worry about it.

Now, you go right along
and do what you have to do...

- Yes.
- And you come back later

- and we'll have that all rewrapped.
- Yes.

- Come back later?
- Don't you worry... yes.

- Don't you worry now.
- Good-bye.

Why do these things
always happen to me?

Why me?

I lead a good life.

I'm a moral...

moral man.

I give to charit...

I'm kind and consider...

I... I... I'm kind
to dumb animals.

Somebody up there hates me.

Mr. Mooney, let us...

Don't touch me!

I'd rather be stuck
to this door forever

than stuck to either one
of you for ten seconds!

Oh!

Oh, Lucy, look at the figures.

Where do we start?

I don't know. It could be
any one of these things.

Lucy, you think
this could be it?

Well, could be.
It's the same color.

Uh-huh.

But ours doesn't have a dimple.

Maybe it's one of
those pieces left over.

Good afternoon, ladies.

May I help you?

Yes. Uh, I'd like to
ask you something.

If you broke that and
glued it back together again,

would it look
anything like this?

What is that?

That's what we're
trying to find out.

Yeah, do you know
Mr. Mooney, the bank president?

Mr. Mooney? Oh, yes,
a very good customer.

Well, he was in
here this morning

and he bought
something for his wife.

And we've got to get
another one just like it.

Let me see now...

Oh, I remember.

Good.

A ceramic cat.

Uh, Mr. Gould?

Yes? Oh, pardon me.

He bought this for his wife?

Boy, he must really hate her.

Oh, boy.

Uh, we'd like to
buy that, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, I just
sold it to that lady.

Oh, well, then we'd like
to have one just like it.

Yes.

I'm sorry, we're all out.

Well, do you know
where I might find one?

Has anybody else got them?

Oh, Bigelow's had
one in their window.

Bigelow's has them?

- Oh, thanks a lot.
- It may still be there.

Yeah, we'll hurry.

They're still open. Come on.

Oh, Lucy, come look
at this mechanical man.

Oh, yes.

Isn't he cute?

Yeah.

Do you suppose he
really is a robot or a man?

He looks like a zombie.
He's so mechanical.

No brains, no personality.

He's still an improvement
over my ex-husband.

Oh, come on. Let's get the cat.

It's closed.

Oh, you and your mechanical man.

Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry. I didn't
think about it being closed.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

What are we going to do?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Just what are you girls doing?

Uh... We-we were
just locking up.

We work here.

Oh, yeah, it's
been an awful day.

I'm exhausted, Lucy.
Let's go home, huh?

Yeah, I'm tired, yeah.

- Good night, Officer.
- Yeah, it's locked.

- Good night.
- Good night, Officer.

Now what are you
coming back for?

You can't get in tonight.
We'll have to wait till tomorrow.

Oh, I can't wait till tomorrow.

Mr. Mooney's
picking it up tonight.

Maybe there's
somebody still in there.

Open up. Please open up.

Oh, dear.

Hey, Viv, you see what I see?

What do you see?

An open transom.

Now, Lucille, you can't go
in there and steal that cat.

I'm not going in there
and steal anything.

If I can get that cat
out of that window,

I'll leave a note and
I'll leave the money.

But we might get
caught in there.

What would happen if
somebody came and caught us?

Oh, stop talking
and give me a boost.

- Oh, Lucy, I think...
- Give me a boost.

There now.

Wait till I get... Wait
till I get this foot here,

and then you give me a boost.

- Where do you want me...?
- Right there.

Get over near the building.

Well, wait just a minute, girl.

Boy.

Okay? Are you all right?

So if I can get up here...

Can I help you any...?

Watch, just watch
for the police.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Lucy, here he comes!

Ah!

Hello there, Officer.

You still here?

Yeah, I'm just
waiting for my lift.

Where's your friend?

She already got her lift.

I hope your lift comes soon.

I hope so, too.

- Night, Officer.
- Good night.

Are you sure

you wouldn't like
me to wait with you?

Oh, no, Officer, you
don't have to wait with me.

All right, if
you're sure then...

Oh, I'm absolutely sure.

I'm not afraid of
anything. Good night.

Maybe I should call you a taxi.

Oh, no, don't bother
to call me a taxi.

I'm perfectly all right.

Well, I'd better
stick around here.

You know, you never can
tell in this neighborhood.

You gonna stick around?

Well...

Did you hear something?

Oh, it was that mechanical
man in the window.

I think he sort of made a noise.

Yeah, that's a
pretty good gimmick

- they got there, you know it?
- Yeah.

That's wonderful.

They sure do look
real, don't they?

Yeah, I guess they do.

I never could tell the
difference, you know.

You know, the man looks
real, but, uh, that redhead...

There could never be a
human being with that color hair.

♪♪

Lucy, what are
you doing in there?

Come on out.

Oh, you can stop that
mechanical bit now.

I... like... it.

It... is... fun.

Come on now, Lucy, now,
how do you think it looks, huh?

I... think... it...
looks... beautiful.

I really do.

That's probably Mr. Mooney.
You just finished in time.

Okay.

Did you get my gift wrapped?

- Yes, there it is.
- There it is.

Oh, it looks lovely.
Thank you very much.

That's all right. Wish
Irma a happy birthday.

Whew. We did it.

Mr. Mooney, you didn't.

In a thousand pieces.

- Oh... Mr. Mooney.
- Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all broken.

How can I take this to Irma?

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Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
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