The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 15 - Lucy Meets Danny Kaye - full transcript

Lucy is determined to get tickets to The Danny Kaye Show since she's already promised the kids she could. She goes directly to Danny, posing as a model, and destroys his lunch meeting by making him wear all the courses. He agrees ...

It's...

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Where's Jerry?

Good morning, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, late again, eh?

Oh, now, before
you get in a tizzy,

wouldn't you like to say
"Good morning" first?

Mrs. Carmichael,
with my station wagon

filled with yowling kids,



"Good morning" is the
last thing I would like to say.

Oh, now, now, Mr. Mooney.

I couldn't be like the other
fathers and take up golf.

I thought that would
be too nerve-wracking.

Come on. You just sit down
and have a cup of coffee.

Jerry will be ready in a minute.

Well, I hope it's good and hot.

My knees are freezing.

Oh, uh, I brought your mail in.

Thank you.

Uh-oh!

Hooray! It's here at last.

Oh? What is it?

A proposal of marriage
from a pen pal?



These are three tickets
for The Danny Kaye Show.

Oh.

Oh, no.

What's wrong?

They were swamped with
requests, and I was too late.

Oh, of all the miserable luck.

Miserable for you.

A blessing for Danny.

Mr. Mooney, you've
got to help me.

I gave Chris and Jerry my word.

They're just going
to be brokenhearted

if they don't see that show.

Mrs. Carmichael, may I point out

that I am your banker,
not your ticket broker?

But you have connections.

Isn't your friend Mr. Crawford

a vice president of the
network or something?

You could call him for tickets.

I already did... For
Irma and the bridge club.

He assures me there isn't
a single ticket available.

Oh, dear.

Hey, the stars always
have extra tickets.

You could ask Mr. Crawford

where I could get in
touch with Danny Kaye.

Knowing you, I
would be reluctant

to put you in touch
with Mister Ed.

Oh, come on, Mr. Mooney.

Now, this is for my kids.

Come on. Call Mr. Crawford.

I can't call him now.

He's on his way
into New York City.

How do you know?

Because he is lunching
with Danny Kaye

at the Park Royal...
And I may kill myself.

The Park Royal.
Thank you, Mr. Mooney.

You have just saved my life.

Oh, Danny.

Please forgive me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, hello, Mr. Kaye!

Hello, Bruno. Hey.

En garde!

Madam, my sword.

Bruno, lead the way.

Bravo. Bravissimo.

This way, Mr. Kaye.

- Hey. How are you?
- How are you?

Glad to have you
back in New York.

Well, it's nice to
be back, I must say.

Uh...

Pardon me.

Pardon me, please.

Pardon me. Waiter.

Table for one, please.

Do you have a reservation?

Uh, no. No, I haven't.

I'm sorry. We're all filled up.

Oh.

Well, frankly, I
didn't come in to eat.

I just wanted to talk to
Danny Kaye a minute.

Please, madam!

That is out of the question.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Out of the question!

But-but I'm one
of his biggest fans.

I'm sorry, madam.

- You can't come in.
- Uh...

I've got... I've just
got to talk to him.

- It's very important.
- Please, madam.

Good day.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me, please.

Oh, good afternoon, Bruno.

Oh, hello, Miss Holloway.

The girls and I are here
for the fashion show.

Oh, yes, yes. The fashion show.

Well, the dressing rooms
are right through here,

and your clothes
already have arrived.

- Good. I'll get the girls.
- Fine.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Mr. Martin?
- Yes.

Your table is ready.

This way, please.

Come on, girls.

Dressing rooms
are over this way.

You know, I-I heard a... a very,
very cute story the other day.

I-I may use it on the show.

I want you to tell me
what you think of it.

See, this story takes place
in a little town in Scarbidia.

Now, as you know,
Scarbidia is a small country

between Pribitz
and Prookitsoopick.

It used to be Prookitsoopick.

It's now called
Dresnesmuyezhneppit.

Well, there was this
native Scarbidian, you see,

and he was walking
down the street one day,

and he stopped to light a cigar.

Now, after he got the cigar lit,

he leaned down and
gave it to his dog to smoke.

Well, at this moment, a
Scarbidian lady walked by.

Now, they have
very cute costumes.

She was so cute.

She had a thing on
her head, and she said...

Gentlemen, I would
like you to notice

this lovely blue sheath.

- Uh, dear, dear...
- You see, it's a lovely fabric...

Not in the middle of Scarbidia.

You almost stepped
on the dog just now.

- Oh, excuse me.
- Yes.

And the lady said,

"Bruyez noyitz iz
nayech ez bochez."

"Ek nebyet ek nabrabet."

And the man said,

"Oh, boritz iz
naba jezzis. Et..."

And she said to him,

"Sookit nibitz ez drobbetch!"

I forgot you fellas don't
talk Scarbidian, huh?

Well, anyway, in English, what
happened is the woman said,

"Listen.

How long that your
dog is smoking cigars?"

So the man turned
to her, and he said,

"Why do you ask me?
Why don't you ask the dog?"

So the little old lady leaned
down and said, "Hello, puppy."

And the puppy said...

She said, "Puppy, tell
me something, puppy.

How long you're smoking cigars?"

And the puppy said...

"Ever since I stopped
smoking cigarettes."

That's kind of cute, isn't it?

Well, we may
use it. I don't know.

It's a kind of a cute story.

Gentlemen, may I call your
attention to this handsome cape?

It's one of our
latest creations.

Mr. Kaye, may I
have a word with you?

What?

No, I can't now. It's very busy.

- Huh? A little later on.
- But, uh,

Mr. Kaye, I...

Oh, Mr. Kaye, I'm sorry.

You all right?

I'm fine.

I'm just lucky she
didn't set fire to my nose.

I'll call a waiter and complain.

Oh, why? It's all right.

You know they got
marvelous fruit cocktail here?

Somebody told me.

Oh, this is a...
wonderful fruit cocktail.

Now, you know, I have an
advantage over you fellas.

See, out in California,
I get my fruit by leaning

out of the window and
picking it right off a tree.

Really? That's wonderful.

Yeah, it's also very dangerous.

Last week, I reached
for an orange,

fell out of the window
and almost drowned.

Well, did you fall in
your swimming pool?

No. I fell on an orange.

We have very juicy
oranges in California.

I was right up to
here, and I was trying

to get out of this
juice, and I thought

- I was going to have to get...
- Gentlemen, I'd like you to see

that the cape
turns into a peplum,

- you see, when it's removed.
- Oh, well, that's very nice.

- And it's made of a lovely Alex jersey.
- I...

Excuse me, dear.
I'm working this table.

- Well, who are you?
- I'm a new girl.

Uh, this smart outfit can be
worn for daytime occasions

with this lovely piece
of costume jewelry

in bright cherry red.

What? I haven't
any time now, dear.

Please, will you
please not interrupt?

No. No. Please,
I would like to...

- Oh, Mr. Kaye!
- What's the matter?

Don't eat that.

Honey, will you
please leave me alone?

I'll be all right.

- Honestly, I will.
- Don't eat that, Mr. Kaye.

I'll-I'll be fine.

I'll-I'll be... I'll be fine.

If you're that hungry,
I'll leave you some.

I just... I just
don't understand...

Anything wrong?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Everything is fine.

The fruit growers
finally did it.

They've developed a cherry
that tastes exactly like wax.

Well, well, I'll call a
waiter and complain.

Why? It was delicious.

I enjoyed it enormously.

Well, everything
here is delicious.

Is it, really?

You must try the
cold vichyssoise.

It is sensational.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I'll be sure to order it

as soon as the fella comes by,

- because I...
- Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen,

- this chic matching
handbag - Oh, no.

Is not only very smart-looking,
but it's terribly functional.

Notice how much...

Mr. Kaye.

- Oh, Mr. Kaye!
- Br-Bruno!

Br-Br...

- Mr. Kaye.
- Br-Br-Br-Bruno!

- Bruno.
- All right, I'm going.

I'm going. Never
mind. Never mind.

- Did you call, Mr. Kaye?
- Bruno.

- You!
- I'm going.

- How did you get in here?
- I'm going! I'm going!

You will pay for this!

- You will pay for it...
- Bruno, please.

Please, Bruno, I'll
take care of everything.

Just send the bill to me
at the Grand Plaza Hotel.

- Thank you, Mr. Kaye.
- That's all right.

Young lady,

you're a very nice young lady,

and I can see how somebody
will fall in love with you,

but for the moment,
please, please go home.

Will you, please?

That's a good girl.

Just go home.

Well, I'm so sorry. I apologize.

Oh, it's all right.

Accidents happen, you know.

Because I understand...

Mr. Kaye.

I just wanted to say
thank you, Mr. Kaye.

I have told you a dozen times,

you cannot stand around
here waiting for Danny Kaye!

Now, come on. Get out of here.

We just want Danny
Kaye's autograph!

Autograph, shmautograph.

Go back to school, will you?

Go on. Go on. Forget it.

Will you get?
Scoot, scoot, scoot.

And that goes
for you, too, lady.

Out.

Oh, I-I'm not waiting
for Danny Kaye.

I-I'm just getting
some fresh air.

I live here.

Oh?

What's your room number?

Uh, uh, 1201.

- Oh, 1201.
- Yes.

Well, then you should be
able to get a lot of fresh air

- up in your room.
- Well...

This building only
has eight stories.

Now, get along with you.

Go on.

You can't wait around here.

Hurry up. Get.

Say, how would you like to
make a little extra money?

Lady, are you
trying to bribe me?

Me bribe you?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

That's the farthest
thing from my mind.

You are trying to bribe me.

No, no, it's heavy.

I just want you
to hold it for me.

Well, I don't know what
your little scheme is,

but, uh, just what
do you have in mind?

Well...

Come over here. I want
to tell you something.

Good after...

Henderson?

It's me, Mr. Kaye.

You?!

You again? Don't tell me
you're modeling that outfit!

Mr. Kaye, I just
got to talk to you.

But before I do, I
want to apologize

for what happened
in the restaurant.

Well, that's perfectly...

That's terrible!

No, no, it's not terrible.

It's when they stop
tearing your clothes off

that you got to start worrying.

Well, look, I'm so sorry about
what happened, Mr. Kaye.

I just can't tell you
how sorry I am.

Nothing happened very much.

I just had a little
vichyssoise on my head.

Oh, you comedians, you'll
do anything for a laugh.

As I was saying, Mr. Kaye,
you see, I have two children,

and I live in Danfield,

and I promised them
that I would get...

What's the matter?

D-D-Do you mind if we
c-c-c-continue this discussion?

Uh... it's a little
ch-ch-chilly out here.

W-W-Why don't we
go up in m-my r-room?

- Your room?!
- Yes.

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- We'll go up there.

I can't go through
the lobby like this.

What's the matter with you?

How am I gonna walk
through the lobby?

I can't walk through
the lobby like that.

Well, wait a minute.

- What?
- Come with me. I got an idea.

Well, I'm not sure...

No, now, come
on. It's all right.

I, uh...

I-I just came from
Yankee Stadium.

It was a double-header.

So that's my problem, Mr. Kaye.

And I'm sorry I was
such an awful pest,

but you know how it is

when you make a
promise to children.

Well, I think I may
be able to help you.

I'm pretty sure.

The only person who might
have some tickets is Mr. Paley.

Who's he?

The CBS head man.

Oh.

Now, lucky for you,
Mr. Paley and I are like that.

- Oh, wonderful.
- Yeah.

Gee, I want to
thank you, Mr. Kaye.

Thank you so much.

You know, you're not
only a great performer,

but you're a great humanitarian.

That's nice.

Hello?

Yeah, Mr. Paley, please.

Hello, Bill?

This is Danny.

No, not Danny Thomas.

No, no, no, Bill, Danny Kaye.

Kaye.

Kaye.

H-I-J-K!

No, not Danny Hijk.

Danny Kaye.

Yeah, I... Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bill, I was wondering if
you had any extra tickets

for the show tomorrow night.

Well, what do you
mean, "What show?"

The Danny Hijk Show.

The Danny Kaye Show.

Oh. Oh.

The best he can do is

two tickets for Jackie
Gleason next April.

Oh, no, I-I want tickets
for your show, Mr. Kaye.

No, I-I'm sorry, Bill.

No, I can't... No,
but thanks anyway.

Okay, Bill.

Oh.

I'm afraid it's hopeless,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, dear, well, maybe
you could sneak us in.

Say we're your
cousins from Danfield.

No, I don't think so.

That's the way I'm
getting my sponsors in.

Oh.

Oh, dear, well, what'll
I tell my children?

They'll think I'm a
failure as a mother.

Have you ever felt that you
were a failure as a mother?

No, I-I haven't.

But come to think of it,

my daughter hardly gives
me anything for Mother's Day.

- Wait a minute.
- What?!

What's the matter?

Well, what-what'd
you want to tell me?

- I've got an idea.
- What is it?

Maybe, maybe you
could work on the show.

Oh, oh, Mr. Kaye!

Yeah?

Oh, I-I'm not as good
as you are, Mr. Kaye,

but I sing and I dance, and
once I played two choruses

of "Glow-Worm"
on my saxophone...

- No, no, no...
- for the, for the Danfield PTA.

No, no, no, that's, that's
not what I had in mind.

- What'd you have in mind?
- What I had in mind

was I thought maybe you and
your children could be extras.

- Extras?
- Yes.

See, I'd use the children
somewhere in the cast,

and then you can be with
the adults as the extras,

you see, at the airport
scene in the opening.

- In the opening?
- Yes.

Oh, well, what do I have to do?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Well, uh...

No, nothing, just nothing.

Just blend in with the others,

blend in quietly, as
inconspicuously as possible.

I should be inconspicuous?

Inconspicuous.

What do you say?

Well, you sure you don't want me

to sing or dance
just a little bit?

I hardly think so.

Well, you're wasting
an awful lot of talent.

- You know, I could go get my saxo...
- Mrs. Carmichael!

All right, I'll
blend, I'll blend!

I'll be inconspicuous.

It's The Danny Kaye Show.

And here's Danny.

Thank you, thank you very much.

This has been one of the
most spectacular welcomes

I have ever had, and
I deeply appreciate it.

Thank you very much.

Hooray!

And thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

What a wonderful,
wonderful welcome.

It is certainly great to be
back here in New York.

Now, I...

Anything happen?

I always say there's
no place like New York

and no people like New Yorkers.

You know, I just love New York.

Do you know that?

I-I adore walking around the
city and taking in the sights.

You know, a lot of people feel
that they know their own city,

and I always have the feeling

that I have yet to learn
more about my city,

but I really have
got to be careful.

The last time I was here,

I was arrested six
times for jaywalking.

That's funny.

Did anybody ever tell you
you were funny, Mr. Kaye?

- Ma'am.
- Yeah.

Dear.

- Yes.
- Honey.

I, uh, I'm doing a show...

and I usually work alone.

- Oh...
- What are you doing there?!

You, you told me to come
out with all these... ha!

Speaking of New York, I heard
a very cute story the other day.

There was a taxi driver,
and he drove up to the corner

and he was hail...

There was this taxi
driver that was driving

along this...

There, there was
this taxi driver...

Ma'am, dear.

- Yeah.
- Honey.

- Hold it.
- Yeah.

- Ma'am.
- Yes.

Drop it!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Oh, by the way, what
is your first name?

- Lucille.
- Lucille.

Now, Lucille, did anybody
ever call you Lucy?

Uh, some of my friends.

They did. Well,

now that we've gone
into partnership...

how would you like to do
a song and dance with me?

Oh.

Would you like that?

Oh.

Huh?

- Yes.
- Fine.

Now, all you have to do is just
follow me, do exactly as I do.

Oh, all right.

Fine?

- Yes.
- Okay.

All right, maestro, please.

♪ All! ♪

♪ By myself in the morning ♪

♪ All by myself in the night ♪

♪ I sit alone with a
table and a chair ♪

♪ So unhappy there ♪

♪ Playing solitaire ♪

♪ All by myself ♪

♪ I get lonely ♪

♪ Watching the
clock on the shelf ♪

♪ I'd love to rest ♪

♪ My head on
somebo-somebody's shoulder ♪

♪ I don't want to grow older ♪

♪ All by myself... ♪

♪♪

♪ I'd love to rest
my weary head ♪

♪ On somebody's shoulder ♪

♪ I don't want to grow older ♪

♪ All by myself. ♪

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