The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 3, Episode 11 - Lucy Gets Her Maid - full transcript

It's...

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Brought to you by Dream Whip.

The whipped topping mix with
delicious country-fresh flavor.

From General Foods.

Well, I'm so sorry you
ladies have to leave.

But please believe me...
If there's ever anything

that Mrs. Bagley and I can
do for the Danfield Art Society,

we are certainly
at your service.

Thank you, Mrs. Carmichael,
for a lovely luncheon.

Oh, thank you so much.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.



- It was a most enjoyable luncheon.
- Bye.

Was it really? Thank you.

I can't remember
enjoying a luncheon more.

Oh, thank you.

I enjoyed every minute.

Did you really?

Good-bye.

Good-bye, everybody.

And I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

Oh, they didn't enjoy it at all!

I bet they thought it
was a lousy luncheon.

Oh, come on, now, Lucy.

We did the very best we could.

I'm sure we made a
good impression on them.



Well, I certainly hope so,
'cause if we ever expect

to become members
of that art society,

they are the women
that have the final say.

Oh, if we don't
get to be members,

it won't be a big tragedy.

Well, Viv, this is
the best club in town.

I am not going to
knock myself out to try

to get to be a member of a
club composed entirely of women.

Now, then, if we were
trying to get into the YMCA,

that'd be something different.

Oh, Viv.

Well, I don't see how they
couldn't have liked the luncheon

after all the
trouble we went to.

And even if they
didn't like it, they...

they certainly realize how
hard we worked to please them.

They never realized
how hard we worked.

You know every one of those
four women has a full-time maid.

That's right.

Oh, boy, what a way to live.

You know, I've always thought
that was the greatest luxury

a woman could
have: a full-time maid.

I'd rather have a full-time
maid than a full-time husband.

And you know something, Viv?

Those women have such
prominent backgrounds.

Yeah, and they all get
a chance to sit on them.

Hey.

- Do you know something?
- What?

We could have a maid if we
cut down on our expenses.

Yeah, we could give up
the luxuries, like bread.

No, no, Viv.

No, I mean it.

And not only would we impress
the women from the art society,

but we'd be able
to save money, too.

Save money? How do you get that?

Well, if we had a maid,

we wouldn't have to get
up in the morning, right?

Yeah.

Now, we could sleep
right through breakfast.

That'd be a saving right there.

And if we really wanted to save,

we could sleep
right through lunch.

Well, I'd have to sleep
right through lunch,

because if I didn't
get breakfast,

I'd be too weak
to get out of bed.

Figure out how much
we save by doing that.

Oh, and another thing.

If we didn't go to the movies,

we'd-we'd... we'd
save right there.

And-And we'd save, uh, money
on all the popcorn and candy

and junk that you eat there.

Let's see now. That
would be... four dollars.

About three dollars
for all of that stuff.

Thirteen...

That's $15 we save right there.

Well, that certainly isn't
enough to hire a maid.

No.

Well, let's see now.

Where can we get
some more money?

Come in!

Oh. Greetings, ladies.

Hi, Mr. Mooney.

I just dropped by with
your trust fund report.

Mr. Mooney, uh, just
before you came in,

I said to myself,

"Lucy, wouldn't this
be an opportune time

for Mr. Mooney to drop by?"

Mrs. Carmichael,

for what foolish reason
do you want money now?

She wants to hire a maid.

Oh, you have such
a sense of humor!

Oh, uh...

Now, what did you
want the money for?

She just told you... for a maid.

That is the most
ridiculous, extravagant idea

you have ever come up with.

Mr. Mooney, having a
maid is not an extravagance.

It is a necessity
when we entertain.

My dear Mrs. Carmichael,
my wife entertains a great deal

because I am the
president of the bank.

She very often gives
dinners for 20 or 30 people,

but she wouldn't dream
of asking me for a maid.

Well, who does the cooking?
Who washes the dishes?

I do.

A maid!

Did you...? You...

Oh, a maid.

You want...

Oh.

Well, good-bye, Mr. Mooney.

Good-bye, maid.
Good-bye, art society.

Oh, no. I'm not
giving up that easy.

We've got a $15 start.

Look in the want ads and
see how much a maid costs.

Oh, all right.

Here's one.

"Experienced maid, capable
housekeeper and cook.

"Excellent references.

Formerly employed
by a state senator."

State senator?

Yeah, state senator.

"Salary... $40 a week."

Oh, no.

Well, now, that was fun.

What do we play now?

Oh, dear.

Oh.

Here's one.

"Experienced maid.

"Single, refined, well-educated.

"Nice appearance,
hard worker, good cook.

"Excellent references.

"Own transportation.

Salary... $25 a week."

Let me see that.

Right there.

That's help wanted,
not job wanted.

Somebody wants to hire
all of that for $25 a week.

Oh.

$25. That's it.

That's what?

Well, we've got a $15 start.

Now, if I took that job for $25,

we could hire the
$40 maid for ourselves.

You-You mean...

You're gonna stand
there and tell me

that you would go
out and work as a maid

in order to have a maid?

Yes.

Certainly.

A lot of women who
have maids go to business,

and it's none of my maid's
business what business I'm in.

Well, what about
your background?

Have you ever been employed
by prominent, well-known people?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

My last employer
was Miss Bagley.

Vivian Bagley.

Vivian Bagley? Huh.

The Vivian Bagley.

I never heard of such a name.

I assume she's to be
found in the social register?

Well, I know she signed up,

but I-I don't think she'll get
Social Security till she's 62.

I'm referring to her
cultural background.

Oh. Well, I think
you'll be able to tell

by her letter of recommendation
how cultured she is.

No. You may read it.

Oh. Yes, ma'am.

"To whom it may concern.

Dear Whom..."

Dear what?

No, "whom."

"What" would be incorrect.

Continue.

Yes, ma'am.

"I," uh, "I hereby certify

"that Miss Carmichael
is an excellent maid.

"She is also a person
of excellent character,

"besides being
an excellent worker

"and an excellent cook.

"I am sure that the 'to whom'
that this letter may concern

"will enjoy her excellency.

Yours truly, Vivian Bagley."

Sounds commendable.

Yeah, doesn't it?

Uh, "P.S.: Miss Carmichael is
not only a wonderful employee,

"but she is a joy to have around

"with a ready smile and the
ring of her girlish laughter.

"I'm sure that if the dustpan
and the broom could speak,

they, too, would say..."

That's enough.

Yes, ma'am.

You can consider
yourself employed.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Stop dancing on my time.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, uh, eh, oh, what did
you say your name was?

Well, my name is Lucille,
but my friends call me Lucy.

Oh. Then I shall call you Hilda.

Hilda?

Yes. Hilda was
with me for 12 years,

and it's easier for you
to get used to Hilda

than for me to remember Lucille.

Oh, yes, I-I understand.

It's-It's like they say.

You can teach an old...

I-I love the name Hilda.

I don't know why anybody
ever called me Lucy anyway.

Come over here,
and I'll show you

where we keep our
maintenance supplies.

Yes, ma'am.

I had Hilda, before she
left, get enough for the week.

All that for one week?

Yes.

Now, down there is the wax

for the silver
polish, et cetera.

Now, on here are jars of nepsa.

Nepsa?

For dry-cleaning the drapes.

Oh.

And, uh, oh, dear,

I don't know what she
keeps in those bottles.

Maybe it's plasma.

It's sort of the same
color and everything.

And we can do without the
ring of your girlish laughter.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, for a start, you can
fix me a little breakfast.

Oh. Oh, all right, ma'am.

Uh, what would you like?

Now, let me see. I...

All I want is a small... uh...

minute steak.

Yes, ma'am. I'm
very good at steaks.

Where do you keep the steaks?

Right in there.

Yes, ma'am. One minute
steak coming right up.

All right, Ferdinand, hop in.

- Oh, listen.
- Yeah?

Take these out to the
trash can for me, will you?

Our detective stories?!

I don't want a maid
who worked for a senator

to know that we just
read Mickey Spillane.

Now, I brought the kids'
encyclopedias down here,

and I thought it would be nice

if we left one
open on the table.

Oh!

Oh, Viv, here she is.

- Viv.
- Huh?

- Viv, she's here.
- She's here?

Put that away. Put
that... Put this away, too.

Throw it in there.

- Viv, do I look all right?
- Oh, you look fine.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

- Straighten that table.
- Straight...

Just a minute. Just a minute.

That's going to keep...

I have an appointment
for an interview.

Yes. Won't you come in, please?

Are you Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh, no, no. I'm Mrs. Carmichael,

but you can call me Lucy.

This is Mrs. Bagley.
You may call her Viv.

And I'm Miss Putnam, and
you can call me Miss Putnam.

Well, won't you sit
down, Miss Putnam?

Uh, w-won't you
sit down over here

where we read the
encyclopedia quite a bit?

Oh, well, can we get
on with the interview?

Oh, well, now that I've
seen you, Miss Putnam,

I-I don't really think an
interview is necessary.

I always insist on an interview.

Oh. Well, in that case...

The first thing
I'd like to know...

Is there a television
set in the kitchen?

Well, there can be.

As soon as we carry it
in from the living room.

Color?

Well, it's sort of a
light beige walnut.

I don't think the
children will mind

- watching it out there, do you?
- Children?

Yes, yes, two boys and a girl.

But they're in school
most of the day.

As a matter of fact, the boys
are in school after school.

That's right.

Uh, the girl is
no trouble at all.

You know how neat
and orderly girls are.

I know they name
hurricanes after them.

Well, now, believe
me, Miss Putnam,

our children will be no problem.

When they get through
playing with their toys,

those toys are put away.

And when they
take off their clothes,

those clothes are hung up.

How do you manage that?

I pick up after them.

Well, a family of five sounds
like an awful lot of cooking.

Well, V-Viv and I, uh,
won't be eating breakfast.

Oh, no, no. I'll say we won't.

Yeah, and all the kids
have is a little bowl of cereal

and a small glass of milk.

How about lunch?

Oh, the kids get
their lunch at school.

I meant my lunch.

Oh.

Well, I-I'll be glad
to fix it for you.

Uh, we always have
something in the refrigerator.

Leftovers?

Oh, no.

No. No.

No, well, you can
have beforehands.

Beforehands?

Yeah.

Whatever we're going
to have for dinner,

you can have first
crack at for lunch.

Oh, well, that's fine.

I'll be here tomorrow
about lunchtime.

Lunchtime?

Yes. By the time I pack

and take care of my
business at the bank

and keep my beauty
shop appointment,

it'll be about noon.

Oh, well, noon will be fine.

Um, Miss Putnam, I can't
tell you how happy I am

to be getting someone like you.

I know.

You can get up
off your knees now.

Oh, Viv, I just wanted to
make a good impression.

Well, I think you made
a good impression.

Oh, by the way, what
good, hot beforehand

do you intend to serve
her for lunch tomorrow?

How about you making one of
your delicious steak and kidney pies?

Now, Lucy, you
know we haven't had

any steak in this
house for two months.

And I'm sure we're
fresh out of kidneys.

Besides, I have an appointment
with the dentist tomorrow noon.

Oh, darn it.

Now, wait a minute.

I know what I'll do.

I'll rush out on my lunch
hour and bring Miss Putnam

a hot lunch from
the delicatessen.

How about that?

Do you mean to tell me

that you're going to leave
here at 6:00 in the morning

and go and work
for Mrs. Van Vlack,

and then take off
on your lunch hour

and go and buy a good,
hot lunch for a maid

that's not going to
show up here till noon?

Yes, I'll do that, if it'll
help us keep a maid.

Well, I'll tell you what you do.

Be smart enough to
get enough food for two,

so you can eat with her.

Eat with Miss Putnam?

Yes.

Oh, I wouldn't
be able to do that.

Why not?

Oh, I don't think she'd let me.

Hello, Miss Putnam.

Oh. Hello.

Uh, here's your lunch...
Nice, hot chicken.

Broiled?

Roasted.

Oh. Well, that'll do.

Oh, good.

Uh, did I get any calls?

Yes, there were a few,

but every time I said, "I'm
Mrs. Carmichael's maid,"

they said, "Sorry, wrong
number," and hung up.

Oh.

Uh, pardon me, Miss Putnam.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm so sorry.

- Uh, Miss Putnam?
- Yes?

Your lunch is served.

Would you keep it warm
till I finish the dress?

Oh. Well, I'll be glad
to finish it for you.

It's a shame to
let this get cold.

Oh, thank you.

There we are.

Hello?

Miss Putnam?

Oh, well-well, will you please
give me your name and, uh...

uh, in case she
wants to call you back?

Gladys Wentworth?

Oh, I'll take that.

Oh. Oh, Miss
Putnam will take it.

Hello, Gladys.

Huh?

Oh, that's the lady I work for.

Good morning.

Viv, what are you doing here?

I live here, remember?

What about your
dentist appointment?

Oh, I canceled that.

I decided to just enjoy myself.

What?!

It's gone down three points?!

I have to call my broker!

I'll take it in the living room.

That's private.

- Hey, Viv?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm awful glad that
you're well rested.

Why?

Well, because you've
got to help me tonight.

Help you?!

Yes. Mrs. Van Vlack
is having a dinner party,

and I'm too exhausted
to handle it myself.

Why don't you take
Princess Grace with you?

And have her find out that
I'm working as a... as a maid?

I should say not. Now,
you've got to help me.

I don't got to do anything.

You're the one who
wanted the maid.

But you're the one
that's been enjoying her.

Lucille, you made your bed.

Now you'll just
have to lie in it.

Now, listen, it's
a king size bed,

and you're going to
get in there with me.

- Now, come on, Viv.
- All right, Lucy.

Go on, Viv. It's good to help.

Oh, all right, all right.

How you coming
with the antipasto, Viv?

It's almost ready.

Mmm!

Ooh, your consommé is great.

I'll never forget you for this.

I'll never forget you
for this, either, girl.

Oh, now, Viv, I never
would have been able

to prepare all this stuff
that Mrs. Van Vlack wanted

if you hadn't helped me.

Antipasto, shish kabob.

Hey, do you know something?

We've got practically an
international dinner here.

Where did you ever learn
so much about cooking?

I was married to a glutton.

- Oh.
- Hilda?

Hilda!

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I still keep thinking I'm Lucy.

Uh, oh, oh, this is my
friend, Mrs. Van Vlack,

uh, who's helping me.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Now, uh, is everything
about ready?

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, good, because, um, my
guests have already arrived.

- Oh.
- And I do so want

this dinner to be a success.

You know, these are the ladies
from the Danfield Art Society.

Yes, ma'am.

Vivian, what are we going to do?

I don't know about you,
but I'm breaking out of here.

Oh, no, Viv. Viv,
I need you here.

Now, listen, if they see
us serving their dinner,

they'll never let
us in that society.

Viv, I've got to keep this job.

Now, please, you've
got to help me.

- Oh, come on, now.
- Now, wait a minute.

Let me think. I
think I've got an idea.

- Oh, don't have another idea.
- No. Please.

- Don't have another idea.
- Now, listen, listen.

Maybe we can disguise
ourselves in some way.

What do we do? Hide
under the antipasto?

No. No, listen.

Now, this is... this is sort
of an international dinner.

Maybe we could
disguise ourselves

to represent the country
that each course comes from.

That's the craziest thing
you've ever thought of.

No, it isn't, Viv. Now, listen.

Now, look.

I put on my babushka.

I put on my shawl.

And I'll get right
in there with this.

And serve the borscht.

That isn't borscht.
That's consommé.

Now it's borscht.

Let's go.

Wish me luck.

Da.

Da, da.

Hilda!

What's the meaning of this?

- How did it go?
- I'm not sure.

- Hilda?
- Aah! What?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- What's the meaning of this?

Well, you see, Mrs. Van Vlack,

uh, you are entertaining
the art society,

and everyone knows
that art is international.

Well, what's that
got to do with it?

Well, we thought we'd
sort of give the whole dinner

- an international flavor.
- Yes.

Yes, we thought if we
created the atmosphere

of each country, it'll be
more interesting, you know?

Oh, how clever.

Oh, what a very clever idea!

I'm glad you like it.

Oh. Oh, oh, Hilda,

uh, you forgot to
bring in the bread.

Oh, the bread. Yes, ma'am.

In a minute, ma'am.

- French bread.
- French bread.

- French bread.
- French, French bread.

- French, French, French.
- Uh-huh, French.

- All right, now, listen.
- Yeah?

Give me that black
pillow back there.

- The black pillow?
- Yeah.

- Give me a pair of scissors.
- A pair of... tout suite.

And listen, what
is the next course?

- Uh, uh, let's see, uh...
- Antipasto.

- Antipasto.
- All right, you-you-you get a...

you get an Italian
chef's outfit on.

Where am I going
to get an Italian chef...

Right in there.

There's all kinds of uniforms
in that closet in there.

- How will I disguise my face?
- Here. Here.

Make yourself a
mustache. Right here.

Make myself a mu...

Oh, now, where's
that girl with the bread?

♪ Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques ♪

♪ Dormez vous? Dormez vous? ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la... ♪

It's my maid's own idea.

You know, a Russian
costume for the borscht

and French for the French bread.

How terribly clever
your servants are.

Oh, and they're so
capable in the kitchen.

Wait till you see
the wonderful tray

of antipasto they prepared.

♪ O sole mio, o sole you-o ♪

♪ The food is here-o ♪

♪ Pasta fazul-a ♪

♪ O so ♪

- Just a... just a minute.
- ♪ O so... ♪

What's a-matter with you, lady?

You forgot the wine.

Oh, the wine... she's
a-be along in a-one minuto.

♪ O sole mio, o sole... ♪

♪ In a little Spanish town ♪

♪ 'Twas on a night like this ♪

♪ La, da-di, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da ♪

♪ A-la, ba-ba, di-da, de-da ♪

♪ Da-di, da-da, di-do ♪

♪ La, da-di-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-di-da-da-di-do. ♪

This is the most interesting
way to serve a dinner.

I can't wait to see how
they serve the shish kebab.

The baked Alaska.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way... ♪

Mrs. Carmichael!

And Mrs. Bagley.

Oh.

Oh, how clever of you

to arrange all this to
surprise our art group.

Yes, wasn't it?

I'm so glad we decided
to have you for members.

You mean we're members?

You mean that we're members?

- We're accepted? Oh!
- You decided to have us?

- What can we do to help?
- Ladies, re-relax.

We love your enthusiasm,
but we don't want to rush ya.

- Russia.
- Russia.

Has been brought to you by

Jell-O pudding and pie filling,

Dream Whip,

and Log Cabin syrup.

All fine products
from General Foods.

Support us and become VIP member
to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org