The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 7 - Lucy and the Bank Scandal - full transcript

Chris is dating Mr. Mooney's son. She tells about all the new items that the Mooney's have just purchased. When a rumor that the bank books don't seem to balance, Lucy has it in her mind that maybe Mr. Mooney is embezzling from th...

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

Brought to you by new Lux.

New in shape. New in luxury.

It softens as it cleanses.

New Lux.

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(Lucy whistling)

Mom, you better
order some more coal.

Yeah, I'll call the man today.

Well, I hope you got some
coal in the furnace, too.



Sure, I did.

Goodness.

(Jerry clears throat loudly)

(clears throat)

What's the matter with you?

This is payday.

Oh, sorry, dear.

At the risk of being unemployed,

can I ask you a question?

Sure. What is it?

Why don't we convert to oil?

Well, because Mr. Mooney at
the bank says we can't afford to.

It costs too much.

He's a stingy old skinflint.



Now, Jerry, you shouldn't
talk about Mr. Mooney like that.

That's what you
called him last week.

Yeah, well, never mind.

Oh, listen, before you spend

all that money at
the candy store,

how about giving some to
our Hospital Helpers' Fund?

I just gave you some
money last month.

That was for the
Volunteer Fireman's Fund.

Well, okay.

Is that all you can
afford, a nickel?

Don't forget, with me,

contributions aren't deductible.

Well, anyway, it's a start.

Hi!

Oh, hi, honey.

Mother, I'd like you
to meet Bob Mooney.

Hello, Bob.

How do you do, Mrs. Carmichael?

This is little Jerry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I believe you know my father.

Oh?

Oh, of course! Mr. Mooney!

Oh, oh, yes!

We were just talking about him.

Uh, yeah, yeah,
you go get dressed,

get cleaned up.

Ooh! How did you get so dirty?

I was shoveling snow.

Hey, Mom, want to
see something neat?

Come here.

Isn't that the choicest
convertible you ever saw?

Oh, it's a beauty!

I almost flipped
when Dad shelled out

300 bucks for it.

Usually, when I put the
bite on him for the family car,

he asks me why I don't walk,
like he did when he was my age.

$300?

And, Mother, Mr. Mooney
bought Mrs. Mooney a fur stole.

Oh?

And he got rid of
the coal furnace

and put in an oil burner,

like Mom's been wanting
him to do for years.

Are you sure your Mr. Mooney
is the same Mr. Mooney

that's my Mr. Mooney?

I know it's not like him to
throw loot around like this.

LUCY: No.

Maybe he won the
Irish Sweepstakes.

Yeah. Or maybe he's
swiping it from the bank.

(guffawing)

Mother!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It was just a little joke.

Swiping it from the bank.

Well, uh, I guess
I better cut out.

It was nice to meet
you, Mrs. Carmichael.

Thank you.

I'll pick you up in the
morning, Chris, okay?

Oh, that'll be marvy. Bye.

So long!

Shee! I can't get
over Mr. Mooney.

He's got a whole
new personality.

I know. It's such a switch.

You know, I think it
might be a good time

to make one more try
for an oil burner for us.

Good luck, Mother.

Yeah.

Mr. Mooney, please.

Yes?

Mr. Mooney, this
is Lucy Carmichael.

(apprehensive): Yes?

Mr. Mooney, first, I'd like
to thank you for allowing us

to set up our table for
the Hospital Helpers

in the bank today.

And we'll be down there
in just a few minutes.

I can hardly wait.

It was nice of you
to call. Good-bye.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, while I
have you on the phone,

there is a little something
I'd like to ask you.

What is it?

Don't you think we
ought to have oil heat?

No.

Why not?

Because it's an
expensive proposition

converting from coal to oil.

But you're doing it!

MR. MOONEY: That's different.

Why is it different?

Because I'm rich and you're not.

Well, that's a
nice thing to say.

Uh, uh, well, I-I'm sorry.

I-I'm in a bit of a stew.

The bank auditors are
due the first of the week

and I'm very busy
working on the books.

Well, I still don't see why
you couldn't let me have

one little measly oil burner.

They say it's going to
be a very cold winter.

Then I suggest you
wear your snuggies.

Well, thanks a lot.

(line clicks)

Honestly.

Boy, have I got
something to tell you.

Well, I haven't
got time to listen.

We gotta get down to the bank.

We don't want to be late.

Oh, but Flo the
manicurist told me

the juiciest piece of gossip.

So we'll be a little late.

Well, Flo said that Mr. Mooney's
bookkeeper, Miss Tanner,

had a manicure
just before I came in,

Yeah.

And Flo said Miss Tanner's nails

were in dreadful condition.

She's been biting them.

Well, she's entitled.
They're her nails.

Oh, but wait till you hear
why she's been biting them.

Why? Why?

She's all upset

because the books
don't balance at the bank.

How about that?!

The books don't balance?

Mm-hmm.

There's a shortage.

Apparently, there's been
some hanky-panky going on.

Aha!

It all ties in.

Do you know why there's
hanky-panky at the banky?

Uh, bank?

No. Why?

Well, listen to this.

I just found out that Mr. Mooney
bought his son a car for $300,

he bought his wife
some expensive furs,

and he spent a fortune
converting to oil heat.

And he just admitted
that he was in a panic

because the bank
auditors were coming,

and now you tell me
there's a shortage.

Do you know something?

Mr. Mooney is an embezzler.

Mr. Mooney is an embezzler?!

Yes! It's as plain as the
nose on his crooked little face.

And do you know whose
money he's embezzling?

Whose?

Mine!

My hard-earned trust fund.

Why, he even had
the nerve to rub it in.

He said, "I'm rich,
and you're not."

Oh, now wait a minute, Lucy.

All the evidence
we have to go on is

that Mr. Mooney
is spending money.

Yeah, well...

And to two people who
are always broke like us,

that looks pretty suspicious,
but it isn't exactly a crime.

What about the
shortage at the bank?

Well, all we really have
is Flo's word on that,

and she's hardly known as
an unimpeachable source.

You remember? She's the
one who started that rumor

that Grandma Sutton had run off

with a 22-year-old
cat food salesman.

Yeah, well...

Now come on.

Let's go down to the bank.

If the bank is still there.

Yeah, oh, Mr. Allen,
this is Theodore Mooney.

I've been out of
town for a few days,

and I'd like to get
some information

about that new
oil burner of mine.

Yes, well, I'm sure you gave
the information to my wife,

but she always throws
everything away.

(chuckling): Yeah...

You know how Irma is.

(laughs)

Yeah, all right, watch it.

She isn't that bad.

Now, anyway, how many years is

my new oil burner
guaranteed for?

One... I see.

One year.

Now, in terms of future
expense, how many gallons of oil

do you estimate
I'll be using, oh, say,

in a period of, uh, five years?

Ten... thousand.

Uh-huh.

Now, uh, just one more thing:

Did you put the oil
tank in the basement

or out in the garage?

Buried... in...

backyard.

VIVIAN: Thank you.

Where will I put it?

Up front there.

Morning.

Hi.

Put it up.

Uh, yeah, well, uh,
good, uh, bye, Mr. Allen.

(sighing): There.

Viv...

look at him.

He even looks like an embezzler.

Oh, come now, Lucy.

No, but I never noticed before
how close together his eyes are.

Look at that weak chin.

And I'll bet you he wears
that mustache as a disguise.

I wouldn't be a bit
surprised if it's a phony

and he takes it off
when he, when he wants

to change his appearance
to go south of the border.

Oh, hello, ladies. Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. M...
(nervous laugh)

Would you like to contribute
to our Hospital Helpers' Fund?

Well, of course, of course.

Certainly.

Let's see here.

There we are.

Thank you.

I wonder if you ladies
will do me a favor.

Miss Tanner is
away from her desk,

and I was wondering if you...

Mrs. Carmichael,
is something wrong?

Oh, no, I-I was just
admiring your mustache.

Oh... (chuckles): Oh.

Thank you.

Uh, well, as I was saying...

Miss Tanner is
away from her desk.

Now, when she gets
back, would you tell her

that I have gone across
the street to see Mr. Fox?

I'll be back in
about 20 minutes.

20 minutes. I'll tell her that.

Thank you very much.

Lucy, I think you're right.

Yeah?

He gave us ten dollars.

And last month, for
the Fireman's Fund,

he only gave us 50 cents.

- There you are.
- Mm-hmm.

Now's my chance.

Your chance for what?

While he's gone, I'm
gonna go through his desk.

What do you expect to find?

I don't know.

But every arch criminal
makes one slipup,

and I'm gonna find his.

- (whispering): Viv!
- Yeah?

I found what I was looking for.

What?

I got the proof
right here, look:

"10,000 buried in backyard."

(gasps)

You wait here; I'll
go get the police.

Oh... Oh, wait a minute, Lucy.

What?

You better put this
back on his desk

before he discovers
it's missing.

Oh, yeah.

(gasps) He's back!

He said he was gonna
be gone 20 minutes.

That just shows you
can't trust an embezzler.

You better get that
book back on his desk.

Here, you put it back.

No, you put it back.

- Oh, dear.
- (Mr. Mooney clears his throat)

- But how am I gon...
- Oh, uh,

Mr. Fox wasn't in.

I guess I should've
called him first.

Let's see...

What would Perry Mason
do in a case like this?

Stop for a commercial.

I know what to do. Yeah.

Mrs. Carmichael,
what in the world

do you think you're doing?!

I'm giving you a massage.

Mrs. Carmichael, this is
a bank, not a gymnasium!

Well, I'm sorry, but
everyone contributing

ten dollars or more
to the Hospital Helpers

gets a free neck massage.

But I don't want a massage!

Well, I'm sorry, but you
have to have it; it's a rule.

Oh...!

Now, just relax and enjoy it.

This is very good for a
crook with a crick in his neck.

I mean, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,

a crooked neck
with a crick in it.

Oh, oh, oh, my; oh, you know,

oh, that does feel good.

Oh, oh, yes, that's...

Oh, that's nice.

- You know, Mr. Mooney, - Huh?

If you want to
get the full benefit,

you should close your eyes
and drop your head forward,

so that your chin is
touching your chest.

- Mmm... Mmm...
- That's right.

That's it.

Mm-hmm... Mm-hmm...

Why are you stopping?

Because I'm finished.

So soon?

Well, I was just
beginning to get relaxed.

Oh, well, then, maybe
just a little more.

(chuckling): Oh...

(groans)

Hmm...

(screaming)

Why did you do that?

Well, you see, it's
part of the treatment.

First we relax you and then
we have to snap you out of it.

We don't want you to
fall asleep at your desk.

Well, I gotta get to work.

(grumbling): Oh...

Yeah?

Stand guard, I
gotta call the police.

- Oh!
- Come on, stand up here.

Get me the police, quick!

Go away!

(over phone): Danfield Police,
Sergeant Wilcox speaking.

Get down to the bank right
away. We've got the goods on him!

Who is this?

This is Lucy Carmichael.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael.

What is it this time?

Mr. Mooney is an embezzler.

Mr. Mooney, the
president of the bank?!

Yes, he's spending
money like a drunken sailor.

There's a shortage at the bank.

And I looked in his
private notebook,

and I found the notation
that he had just buried

$10,000 in his backyard.

Mrs. Carmichael, you
don't have any real proof.

What do you want,
a snapshot of him

lolling on the beach in Brazil?

Look, Mr. Mooney is
a responsible citizen.

He's president of the bank.

Now, assuming that he's
guilty... Which I'm sure he is not...

We can't touch him
without evidence.

It'd be false arrest.

All right, you'll
get your evidence.

You just get the presidential
suite ready at the jail.

(no audio)

(no audio)

- Ooh, Viv!
- Yeah?

- I found something!
- Yeah?

(crickets chirping)

Another bone.

Oh, fine.

Maybe that's what it
meant in the notebook.

His dog buried 10,000
bones in the backyard.

(grunting)

What do you think you're doing?

I'm resting.

This may come as
a complete surprise

to you, Mrs. Carmichael,

but I haven't had much
training as a ditchdigger.

We don't have time to rest.

Now, keep on digging.

- Will you stop that?
- What's the matter?

I'm digging a hole
and you're filling it up.

Watch it.

Come on, there's nothing here.

I'm gonna dig in one more
place and then I'm going home.

All right, all right, all right.

Let's see, where
would he put it?

(weary sigh)

What would you do with $10,000?

Spend it on wine, men and song.

MR. MOONEY: Who's
out there? Speak up!

(whispering): He's
coming. He's coming.

All right, who's out there?

I heard you! Come
on, now, speak up!

Who's out...?! Who's...?!

Well, by George,

I'll come down
and see for myself.

- (clattering)
- MR. MOONEY: Ow!

- Go find your own tree!
- Lucy, let me up! Let me up!

Okay, go!

(Mr. Mooney groans)

Ooh, ooh, ah!

All right, come on!

Where are you? Where...?

Oh, I've got to do something
about those gophers.

(whispering): Hey, Viv!

Okay.

Whew!

Boy...

- (loudly): I've had it!
- Will you be quiet?

I'm going home.

Oh, come on now, you
promised you'd... one more place.

All right, one more,
then I'm going home.

All right, keep your
voice down, will ya?

Oh, where did he put it?

I know it's out here.

All right, I've decided
this is the place.

What makes you think so?

It's the only place left.

- Lucy?
- What?

VIVIAN: Why are
we digging this deep?

LUCY: 'Cause I think
that's been our trouble.

We haven't been
digging deep enough.

VIVIAN: If Mr. Mooney
buried his money down here,

he'll have to
change it into yen.

LUCY: Oh, Viv!

VIVIAN: Yeah?

LUCY: Here, I got something!

VIVIAN: Yeah?

- LUCY: Look, look, look!
- VIVIAN: Yeah?

LUCY: Oh, it's just an old shoe.

VIVIAN: And give
it back! It's mine!

Oh, come on, Lucy,
there's nothing here.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, Viv.

Well... all right.

Come on, let's climb out.

Throw out your shovel.

Okay.

LUCY: Come on,
I'll boost you up.

VIVIAN: Boost me up?

LUCY: Yeah, come on.

Get a hold of the edge...
Put your arms up there.

Let me get underneath
your arms here.

- Now, be careful!
- (Vivian grunting)

Ooh, Lucy, careful now.

You just kicked some
dirt in my face! Be careful!

(Lucy grunting)

Okay, up you go.

Oh, Viv, Viv, you're
sitting on my head!

(groaning)

(thud)

All right, Vivian.

Ugh, you boost me up. Come on.

- LUCY: Come on.
- VIVIAN: All right.

- VIVIAN: There you go.
- LUCY: Okay.

Ready. Give me a real boost now.

- (Vivian grunting)
- A real one!

VIVIAN: Oh, your
feet! (stammering) Oh!

LUCY: Okay, yeah.

- VIVIAN: Oh!
- LUCY: Okay, okay, I'm up.

Whew!

Now, give me your hands.

- VIVIAN: Okay.
- Yep.

- I got 'em...
- Now, brace yourself.

- VIVIAN: All right.
- Okay.

(grunting, thudding)

LUCY: All right,
was that necessary?

Okay, boost me up again.

Oh, Lucy.

- LUCY: I'm getting exhausted!
- (Vivian grunting)

- VIVIAN: Got it...?
- Yeah, push my knees up.

(Vivian grunting with effort)

Okay.

Whew! All right,
give me your hands.

Oh, no, I'm gonna get
out of here by myself.

Are you crazy?

You can't get out
of there by yourself.

Give me your hands.

VIVIAN: I'm gonna get
out of here by myself!

Oh, Vivian, honestly.

Come on, honey,
let me get you out.

No!

Well, wait a minute,
don't go away.

I got an idea.

Okay... now...

tie this around your waist.

I'll tie it around
the tree, see?

Now, hang on real tight.

Hang on real...

What are you, a wise
guy or something?

Mrs. Carmichael, may
I take this opportunity

to thank you for a
very lovely evening.

Oh, never mind.

Come on, now, I'm going home.

- Oh...
- We're going home.

- Oh, Viv.
- That's it, I've had it.

Whew!

Viv, I sure hate to go home.

I'm so positive he's buried
that $10,000 in this backyard.

- I just know he did.
- (bang echoes)

Did you hear what I heard?

Yes, I did.

(bang echoing)

Well, how do you like that?

The old pirate has buried all
that loot in a treasure chest.

Step aside.

Don't worry, I'll break it open.

MR. MOONEY: Aha!

MR. MOONEY: I
told you there were...

(Mr. Mooney screaming)

(Lucy and Vivian
conversing indistinctly)

Give me your hand, okay?

OFFICER: Take it easy, now.

(Mr. Mooney groaning,
stammering, grunting)

We got you.

Give me... Come on now...

(Mr. Mooney groaning)

OFFICER: Watch it.

Just what do you
think you're doing?

Sergeant Wilcox,
am I glad you're here.

We just found the money
you stole from the bank,

you big embezzler!

What money, what
embezzler, what bank?

LUCY: Hmm.

Well... oh, well, of course
she means the Danfield Bank.

That's the only one
there is in town. See...

What are you talking about?!

We know all about the
shortage in the books.

So do I.

It was a mistake;
a clerical error.

A likely story.

And we know all about

the fine furs and
the fancy motorcars.

LUCY: Yep!

Well, I've got to stop eating

those cucumber
sandwiches before I go to bed.

Well, you can drop the pretense.

We're just about to
dig up the evidence.

MR. MOONEY: Wha...?

Sergeant, get the cuffs ready.

LUCY: Okay,
everybody, step back.

MR. MOONEY: What...? Huh? What?

VIVIAN: Back, step
back, step back, back.

MR. MOONEY: Oh! (muttering)

(hollow clang)

Oh, no! My oil burner!

- Oh, no! Stop it!
- Oil?!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

- Oil?!
- Get it off!

Stop it! Somebody stop it!

You're wasting oil!
(panicked jabbering)

- Are you sure it's your...?
- Go! Get it... No! Stop!

Do something!

That is costing me a fortune!

Come on, hurry...!
(gasping, whimpering)

See? Wha-What did I tell you?

I stopped it for
you, Mr. Mooney.

I'm awful sorry... I didn't
know it was your oil burner.

Uh-huh.

Now, I'll sit right here
until you get a repairman.

Good, I'll get one.

First thing in the morning.

In the morning?!

You don't think I'm going
to pay time and a half!

Come on, Sergeant;
sorry to have troubled you.

Come along.

Mr. Mooney!

Well, good night, Lucy.

Vivian!

(wailing)

(takes breath,
continues wailing)

Whoo! Boy! Ooh!

Aunt Viv, what have
you been up to?!

The direction was down.

The Lux, please.

Honestly, first Bob
Mooney meets Jerry

covered with coal dust.

What if he met you
looking like that?

Oh, cheer up. Wait till
he meets your mother.

She's out in the
backyard covered with oil.

The Lux, please.

But I'm using it right now.

Bob's gonna pick me up tomorrow,

and I want my skin
to be soft and pretty.

Well, besides making
skin soft and pretty,

Lux also makes people clean.

Well, in this family,
that's a good thing.

(Viv laughs)

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Show was brought to you by...

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New in shape.

New in luxury.

It softens as it cleanses.

New Lux.

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