The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 5 - Lucy and the Safe Cracker - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

Brought to you by
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where the dirt is.

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Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Larry McAdoo,

your on-the-spot reporter.

As you can see,
I'm speaking to you

from the Danfield Savings
and Trust Company,

where, as you probably know,



the president of this bank,
Mr. Theodore Mooney,

and Mrs. Lucy Carmichael

were locked in the vault

from yesterday afternoon
until a short while ago.

18 long hours and 22 minutes.

Mr. Mooney and Mrs.
Carmichael were released

into the arms of their
families this morning,

when the vault
automatically opened at 9:00.

And on that happy ending,

we return to our
studios for a word

from Friendly Al,

the used car dealer.

Now, Friendly Al
himself had stayed up

through the entire night



to see how this
drama would turn out,

and he had kept his
car lot open all night, too,

in case anybody wanted to
buy a good, used automobile.

Now, this morning,

while Mrs. Carmichael was
demonstrating to the press

how she accidentally locked
the vault door yesterday,

she accidentally locked it
again while demonstrating.

And now it develops,

there is again someone
inside, and that someone

is Mr. Theodore Mooney.

Now, who says we don't have
excitement here in Danfield, eh?

Now we're going to stay
right here on the spot,

bringing you the
latest developments

in this most exciting event.

Ah, but I see Mrs.
Carmichael herself

is making her way through the
crowd of employees at the door.

Uh, Mrs. Carmichael,
if you please.

- Oh...
- Would you be good enough

to step up here and say a
word to our television audience?

Oh, of course.

Mrs. Carmichael, I
wonder if you'd like

to tell our audience
how you felt

when you locked that vault
door for the second time.

Oh, how I felt?

Well, I felt just...

well, foolish is what I felt.

And-And terrible, too.

You know, once,
maybe, but twice?

Oh, dear.

And what do you suppose
Mr. Mooney thought

when that door closed
for the second time?

Uh, would you like to tell us
how this whole thing happened?

Well, it-it really started

because I needed
$50 to fix the car.

It was my car.

And you are...?

- I... I'm Vivian Bagley, her best friend.
- I see...

- Ooh, Sherman, look. I'm on television.
- Viv. Viv.

Uh, well, you see, Mr. Mooney
handles my finances,

so I came down here
to the bank to talk to him,

and he was in this vault.

And so I went in the
vault and I closed the door,

so we wouldn't be interrupted.

And boy, we weren't,

for 18 hours and 22 minutes.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael,
tell me, what are they doing

to get Mr. Mooney out?

Surely, that vault can be
opened from the outside

by using the combination.

Well, that's true, uh, but
there's just one trouble.

And what's that?

The only one that knows the
combination is Mr. Mooney.

I see. Well, thank you
very much, Mrs. Carmichael.

- You're welcome.
- And thank you...

- Uh, Vivian Bagley.
- Thank you, Vivian Bagley.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we return to our studios.

Meanwhile, I'm sure
everyone in Danfield

is thinking of that
man in that vault.

Mr. Mooney, you can't hear us,

but we're with you, all the way.

Oh, no.

No, I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

Mrs. Carmichael?

You didn't really
lock me in here

for the second time, did you?

Yes, you did,

you miserable...!

Let's face it... I'm in here.

I just have to
make the best of it.

I could stand it if it
wasn't for the hunger.

Just any little
morsel of food...

Her grocery sack.
I forgot about that.

Where did she put that?

Aha! Here it is.

Here it is. Ah, see...

Paper napkins.

Yes...

Bottle brush.

Baked beans!

Beans! I'm saved!
I'm saved! I'm...

Oh, no. No, I forgot.

There's no way to open them.

Lucy, what are you doing?

Oh, I thought I might

accidentally hit the
right combination.

I got to do something.

Have you got a hairpin?

Oh, Lucy.

What was that?

Somebody's working
on the combination.

Hooray! Hooray!

But that's impossible.

I'm the only one who
knows the combination.

Well, at least someone's trying.

Go to it, friend!

If only there was some
way they could hear me.

Lucy, this is ridiculous.
You're never going to be able

- to figure out a co...
- Shh!

I thought I heard a
pounding sound inside.

It's probably Mr. Mooney
beating his head against the wall.

Shh!

Hello out there!

There it goes again.

It's faint, but it's a
definite pounding.

Somebody heard me!

We've made contact.

Now we're getting somewhere.

I think he's trying
to tell me something.

Yeah, and I imagine I know
what he's trying to tell you.

Never mind that.

Listen, go next door to Dr. Jacobi
and get me a stethoscope.

A stethoscope?

What in the world for?

To find out if the
vault has a cough.

What do you think I want it for?

So I can hear better.

Now, go on. Scoot.

Splendid. I've made contact
with the outside world.

Now, how can I use that contact?

What...? I know, I know!

I'll tap out the combination.

Let's see. The combination. W...

The combination is eight...

Oh, 311-555-4568.

That's my new telephone number.

- Here it is.
- Thanks.

Now, let's see.

Left four, right eight.

Uh, 27...

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Now, I'll tap out
the combination.

It will be up to them to
work it out by trial and error

which numbers go
left and which go right.

See... now, what...

Well, I can't do everything.

Oh, it's a lot clearer now.

He is telling us something.

It has a definite pattern.

What kind of a pattern?

Well, I can't
tell exactly. It's...

it's in kind of groups of taps.

Tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap.

I got it!

Oh... What is it?

He's sending us Morse code.

Oh, that's it.

Get a pencil and
paper and take it down.

Oh, boy. Now, here's where our
WAVE training comes in handy.

Do you know that I graduated
at the top of my class

- in Morse code? I was the...
- Shh! Viv!

- Oh.
- Wait.

- All right.
- Take this down.

- Da da. That's "M."
- "M."

- Dit da.
- Yeah.

- "A."
- "A."

- Da dit. "N."
- "Man."

Man. Aha! There's
a man in the vault.

Oh...

We know that.

Oh, that's right.

Wait, I know.

I'll bet he's thought of someone
who-who knows the combination

of the vault and is going
to give us the man's name.

Yeah.

Here comes some more. Get ready.

All right.

Dit. "E." Dit. Another "E."

Just give me the code. I
know what the letters are.

Okay. Da dit da.

Da dit.

Dit.

Dit dit dit...

Dit dit dit.

Dit.

Da dit. Da dit.

Dit da, dit da?

No. Da dit, da dit.

Although, I will
admit, "dit da, dit da"

sounds a great deal
like "da dit, da dit."

Da da.

Dit da dit.

He stopped.

Who is it? Who is it? Who does
he want us to get in touch with?

Lucy, there must be
some kind of a mistake.

What do you mean?

We just got to call Mr...

"Eeelsglatnbulf."

I have a hunch I don't
remember the Morse code

as well as I thought I did.

No, I don't think you do.

Well, maybe he'll
send some more.

Okay.

Well, I guess we've
lost contact with him.

Oh, now, what do
we do to get him out?

Ooh, what's the matter with me?

That's what we should do.

We should hire a safecracker.

Oh, sure. Now, where are
you going to get a safecracker?

We'll ask the policeman.

Sergeant Wilcox.

I need a safecracker. Do you
happen to have one in your jail?

Sorry. I'm fresh out.

Oh, my goodness. You'd
think a town the size of Danfield

would have one safecracker.

Well, there is a can
opener who's gone straight.

Can opener?

That's underworld
slang for a safecracker.

Oh, wonderful. Who is it?

Bundy, over on Elm Street.

Mr. Bundy?

You mean dear,
sweet, little Mr. Bundy

- of Grandma's Dandy Candy Shop?
- That's right.

He was the best can
opener in the business,

but he started a whole new life.

He got out of the rackets
and bought out Grandma.

Boy, did he change his image.

Wait a minute.

Why didn't you get
ahold of Mr. Bundy

when I was locked in the vault?

We tried, but he refused.

He said he was going
straight, and that's it.

Well, I'll talk him into it.

I doubt it. You don't
know Mr. Bundy.

Oh, you don't know
Mrs. Carmichael.

Thank you, Viv.

I'll be back in a few
minutes with a can opener.

Oh, Viv, can I take your coat?

Sure.

Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Bundy.

I don't know if you
remember me...

Ah, yes. Yes, I do.

I know. Don't tell me.

You are 50 cents' worth
of chocolate buttercream.

- Oh, you do remember.
- Yeah...

Well, Mr. Bundy, I-I've
come to ask you a little favor.

Yes?

Uh, I've got to
have a can opener.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

And who told you?

Sergeant Wilcox.

The big snitch.

Now, please, Mr. Bundy.

You've just got to help me
get Mr. Mooney out of that vault.

No, I can't.

But you're the only
one who can rescue him.

His fate is in your ten
talented, sticky, little fingers.

No, I simply cannot!

I will not. I cannot.

I will not.

You don't understand.

Twirling those knobs
can become a vice,

an obsession.

It gets to be that
all you want to do

is pull jobs and listen
to those little tumblers

tumbling in the lock.

Once you've broken the habit,

you dare not try again.

You'll have to get
somebody else.

Oh, but no one else will do.

From what I understand,
even after all these years,

you're still known as the
can opener's can opener.

Oh, pshaw.

And another thing:
You-You'll be on television.

You know, down at
the bank right now,

they have a big
television camera.

Say, you could
advertise your candy.

I simply cannot...

Advertise my candy?

Yes.

Well...

I guess one more
time won't hurt.

Of course it won't.
Come on, Mr. Bundy.

- Yeah. Oh, oh, say, by the way...
- What?

Sometime ago, I
wrote... I wrote a jingle

when I was going to sponsor
a radio show. Where is it?

Oh, maybe we can use it.

Here. This is the way it goes.

Now, we'll listen to it in the
car. We'll listen to it in the car.

We have to hurry. I don't
want to keep Mr. Mooney

- in that vault any longer than I have to.
- Here.

Yes, we'll... ri-right now.

It's very important that
you get right down there.

How's it coming, Mr. Bundy?

It's coming very well, but...

when are you going
to do my jingle on TV?

- Oh, Viv?
- Uh-huh?

Viv, when did the announcer
say we could do the jingle?

Well, I sang it for him,

and he didn't like
the idea very well.

In fact, he says we can't do it.

Can't do it?!

Uh... eh...

Oh, well, you see, uh,

he-he-he's being
sponsored by Friendly Al,

and he says if-if-if he
mentions any other product,

Al gets very unfriendly.

Yeah, well, we're
very sorry, Mr. Bundy.

So am I.

Where are you going?!

Let Friendly Al open the vault.

Oh, please, please,
please, Mr. Bundy.

- We'll... We'll sing the jingle somehow.
- You will?

- Yes, we will.
- Yes, we promise.

- You get back to work.
- Oh, good enough.

- Yeah. -Good enough. I shall.
- Yes.

- Oh, say, by the
way, - Okay. Yeah?

I have a-a bag of
chocolate-covered cherries,

in case you want to demonstrate

- how wonderful they taste.
- Okay. Yeah, all right.

- You get back to work, Mr. Bundy.
- Yes.

Uh, hello, Mr. McAdoo.

Yes, Mrs. Carmichael.

Here she is, ladies
and gentlemen,

Lucy Carmichael,

the woman who locked
Mr. Mooney in that vault.

Oh, you told them that already.

And her friend...

- Vivian Bagley.
- Uh, Vivian Bagley.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes, thank you.

- And now then, Mrs. Carmichael...
- Yes.

Tell me how is Mr. Bundy doing?

Oh, he's coming along just fine.

Uh, would you care for some

- Grandma's Dandy Candy?
- Oh, no, thank you.

As a matter of fact, Mrs.
Carmichael, we're not...

♪ I've been munching
on some candy ♪

♪ All the livelong day ♪

♪ Munching candy that is dandy ♪

♪ It's Grandma's
sweets, we say ♪

♪ Can't you smell the
chocolate cooking? ♪

♪ Come in and lick the pan ♪

♪ Try the nuts that's assorted ♪

♪ Almond and pecan ♪

♪ Try a mocha cream,
have a honey twist ♪

♪ Have a piece of
peanut brittle, too ♪

♪ Have some rocky
road or a taffy kiss ♪

♪ Be sure to try a
caramel chew-chew-chew ♪

♪ Fe-fi, molasses chip ♪

♪ Fe-fi-fiddly-i,
coconut cream ♪

♪ Fe-fi, hear it
from our lips... ♪

♪ That's Grandma's ♪

♪ The candy of your dreams! ♪

Uh, how much longer do
you think it'll take, Mr. Bundy?

Not much longer.

Oh, it's wonderful

to hear the sound
of the tumblers again.

It's like music to my ears.

Yeah, yeah, well, get
back to work, Mr. Bundy.

Two more numbers, and
your Mr. Mooney will be out.

Hey, everybody, two more
numbers and Mr. Mooney will be out!

Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that great?

Yeah. Oh, two more
numbers and he'll be out.

One more number!

There she is!

- Here he comes.
- Ladies and gentlemen,

in just a moment,

that vault door is going to
open, and Mr. Theodore Mooney

is going to walk out of there
after 23 hours of confinement.

The door is open,
and here he comes!

Mr. Mooney...

Mr. Mooney, would
you kindly say a word

for our television audience?

They're most anxious
to hear how you felt

being locked in that vault.

Tell us, what did
you think about?

Three things:

eat...

drink...

kill!

Where is she?!

Where is she?!

Oh, Mr. Meanie Mooney!
Mr. Meanie Mooney Meanie!

- Stand aside, Mrs. Bagley.
- Now, now, now, now...

- I don't blame you for being angry.
- Hmm...

It was her fault
you got locked in,

but she's also responsible
for getting you out.

That's right!

- - - Now, now, now, now, now,

she's the one who got Mr. Bundy.

He's a reformed safecracker,
and he's the one who got you to...

He opened the
vault to get you out.

I got him.

Now, now, now,
actually, it's even Steven.

- It is not even Steven! Not by a...
- Please, Mr. Mooney!

Stick 'em up, everybody!

Bundy!

Forget it, copper,
I got your gun.

Mr. Bundy, shame on you!

Bundy, you don't
know what you're doing!

This is the last time I'd ever
recommend you for a job!

Who needs you?

Once I heard those
tumblers tumbling into place

and felt that door swing open,

I knew it was bye-bye, bonbons.

Just a moment.

Excuse me.

Mr. Bundy, put that gun away,

give the money back,
and stop this nonsense.

Get back!

We'll use your
car for a getaway!

On, no, it's not
my car. It's her car!

- Lucy!
- Wha-Wha?!

- Get back, all of you!
- Wait...

Back! Get back,
or I'll slug you!

Viv, come with me!

- Oh, thanks a lot.
- Don't leave me, Viv!

Get back!

I'll get you for this, Bundy!

That's goes for
you, too, Carmichael!

What do you want from me?!

- Get back, now. Open that door.
- I'll open the door.

I'll open it for you, Mr. Bundy.

Stand still, or I'll
shoot. Stand still!

Quick, quick, get 'em!

Coming through! Coming through!

Out of the way! Out of the way!

Get back!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this daring daylight holdup
has been brought to you by...

Friendly Al.

Mr. Bundy, are you sure

you don't want
to think this over?

You're making a
terrible mistake.

You're gonna regret
this the rest of your life.

Bag your lip.

Well!

What about all those people
who saw you on television

and thought you
were such a big hero?

If they want a hero, let
'em watch Gunsmoke.

Think of all the little children

who come to you
with their pennies

to buy jawbreakers
and licorice whips.

That's tough.

I gotta scram.

Oh...!

Help yourself to
the candy, girls.

It's on the house.

Mr. Bundy!

Oh! Honestly!

Well, this is a nice mess.

Thanks a lot, Lucy.

Why did you have to
tell him it was my car?

Because it is your car!

Well, he didn't ask
to see the pink slip.

And if he had asked
to see the pink slip,

you wouldn't have had it,
because the car isn't paid for.

What's that got to do with it?

Oh, Viv, let's not
yell at each other.

Why not? We got
nothing else to do.

Somehow, we got to figure
out how to get out of this mess.

What are we gonna do?

Listen, put your feet
down and swing around.

- Huh?
- Then maybe we can stand up.

Put your feet down on the floor.

- Can we?
- Can you make it?

Oh!

We have to touch
them on the floor -

- and get our backs straight.
- Yeah?

And then I'll count,

- and we'll stand up together.
- Okay.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

One... two... three.

Ah!

Oh, boy!

Oh, now, can you hop?

Why?

Because all we gotta
do is hop to that door,

hop down to the
corner and call for help.

Okay?

That's all we gotta do, huh?

Yeah. Come on.

- Viv, you... ready?
- Ready.

All right.

Viv, go this way. Go my way.

- Okay, you ready?
- Ready.

That's right. Here we go.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh... oh!

Viv, what are you trying to do?!

I'm trying to get to the door!

Well, so am I! Now go backwards!

Oh, why do I always
have to go backwards?!

Oh, darn it, I just remembered.

I saw him lock the
door from the outside.

Oh, great. What do we do now?

- We're saved! The phone's ringing!
- We're saved!

- We're saved!
- We're saved!

Now we gotta tell whoever
it is to call the police!

Okay.

- All right, answer it.
- Keep ringing!

- Keep ringing! Don't stop!
- Okay...

Oh, please just keep ringing.

- Get me close to the phone, Lucy.
- Okay.

Hop over close. Hop over.

Wait, wait, wait.
I think I can get it.

I think... I got it. I got it.

- Say "hello."
- All right. Hello?

How much are your buttercreams?

Lucy, how much
are the buttercreams?

$1.40 a pound!

$1.40 a pound.

Oh, wait a minute!
That's the light chocolate.

- The dark chocolate's $1.35 a pound.
- Oh.

That's the dark chocolate.

The light chocolate's
$1.35 a pound.

Thank you.

Yeah, I like 'em. Wait a minute!

Come save us! We're t...

- We're tied up.
- Oh, Viv!

That was certainly
clever of you.

Well, you were the one who went

into buttercreams in detail.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's the matter with us?

Why don't we just call
the police ourselves?

Go ahead, dial.

With my nose?

That's right. Oh, dear!

Oh, Lucy...

You know, I'm
getting awful hungry.

I didn't have any lunch.

Oh, what a time to
think about eating.

Well...

Sit down.

- Hey, Lucy!
- What?

I'm gonna eat some chocolates.

Come on. Hop along
with me, will ya?

- Oh, Viv.
- Come on.

- Over to the counter.
- All right.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah.

Go!

Chocolate! Oh, boy!

Mmm. Ooh, that's a mocha cream.

Oh! Boy, was I hungry.

Oh, they got
chocolate-covered cherries, girl.

Oh, all kinds of things.

I must say one thing:

If a person's gonna be tied up,

you couldn't ask for
a better place, huh?

You know, Viv, I didn't
have any lunch either.

Will you please turn me around?

- Oh. Are you ready?
- Yeah.

- Which way you going?
- This way.

Okay.

Try some of those
chocolate-covered cherries.

- They're delicious.
- Okay.

Viv!

Aren't they delicious?

Well, I don't know.

I just hope they're
good for my skin.

Oh, oh, Sergeant Wilcox! Oh,
Mr. Mooney! Oh, Mr. Mooney!

How did you know we were here?

Bundy called us.

- Bundy?
- Yes.

He turned himself in
to the police station.

- He turned himself in?
- Yes.

I wonder what
made him go straight.

- We don't know.
- Oh...

Well, he turned back the money,

then broke into tears,
muttering something about

uh... jawbreakers
and licorice whips.

Oh, I always knew deep
down he had a soft center.

- There we go. There...
- Oh, thank you.

Here, come over here.

- We've been tied up so long.
- Oh, you must be exhausted.

He was gonna take us, you know.

Mr. Mooney!

Aren't you gonna untie me?

Uh!

A-Are you... are you going
to just leave me like this?

Oh, what a beautiful thought.

Oh! Come on.

All right, all right! All
right, all right! Can you...?

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