The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 4 - Lucy Gets Locked in the Vault - full transcript

Lucy's attempt to withdraw money from the Danfield bank hits a snag when she discovers that Mr. Mooney has taken over the job held by Mr. Barnsdahl. His idea of economizing forces Lucy to cut corners financially, including giving ...

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Hi.

Ah!

What's wrong?

Oh!



Well, could I get you something,

like maybe a nail to bite?

Lucy, brace yourself.

We're without a car again.

Old Grover broke
down on the way home.

Same old trouble? Did he go,

"chupuckita,
chupuckita, chupuckita"?

He gave one last "chupuckita,"

and I thought he was going
to roll over on his side and die.

His timer isn't timing right.

So you'll have to
give the garage $50.

Me?! $50?!

Viv, the car's timing may be
bad, but yours is ridiculous.

Now, Lucy, you
know our agreement.



I make the payments on the car,

and you pay for the
gas and the repairs.

Where am I going to get $50?!

That's your problem.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I know.

You could give me an
advance on next month's rent.

You know I haven't got a cent.

My alimony check
isn't due for two weeks.

Where would I find $50?

Well, you could look around.

Look around like, say,
uh, under your mattress.

No.

That money's for
the next car payment.

And I would...

You've been snooping
under my mattress.

I was not snooping.
I was dusting.

Since when do you dust between
the mattress and the springs?

Well, I'm a very
fussy housekeeper.

Oh.

Viv, I have a marvelous idea.

- Now...
- "I don't want to hear it," she said,

firmly clutching her $50.

Now, Viv, you phone the garage,

tell them to go
ahead and fix the car,

- Nothing do...
- and we'll pay for them

with your money.

- Nothing doing, nothing...
- Now, Viv, now, listen.

The first thing Monday
morning, I'll go to the bank,

and I'll ask them to give me
an advance on my allowance,

and I'll give you your $50 back.

You know how Mr. Barnsdahl is.

That old tightwad wouldn't
advance you a new calendar.

Yeah, but now wait a minute.

Yesterday, I went by the
bank and his secretary said

that old penny-
pinching Barnsdahl

was no longer with them.

Where'd she say he went?

I don't know.

I was so busy whistling
and applauding,

I didn't even hear her.

Oh.

Who's going to handle
your trust fund now?

The new president,
Mr. Theodore Mooney.

Oh, I saw him from across the
bank, and he looked so sweet.

Lucy, you can't tell if a man is
sweet from clear across a room.

Well, now, you could tell
that Barnsdahl was sour

clear across town.

Come on, Viv, call the garage.

Oh.

Come on.

Mr. Mooney.

Mooney. It's such a nice name.

Mooney, Mooney.

S-Sounds like "money."

Mooney...

Mr. Mooney?

Oh, yes, Miss Tanner?

Uh, well, you know you
have an appointment

with Mrs. Lucy Carmichael.

Carmichael, Carmichael, Carm...

Oh, yes, right here
on my calendar, yes.

Uh...

Uh... Mr. Mooney?

- Yes, yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes?
- Well, uh,

well, about Mrs. Carmichael.

Well, there are some things
you should be warned about.

T-Told about.

Thank you, Miss Tanner.

That won't be necessary.

Mr. Barnsdahl
already filled me in.

He left me a little memo.

27 pages.

27 pages?!

Single-spaced.

I could hardly put
it down last night.

Apparently, this woman
will stop at nothing

to get money from the bank.

You know, it says here, uh,

"She will threaten, wheedle,
cajole, cry, implore, jolly,

and even stage tantrums."

Oh, it's true.

Well, I think she will find

that she has met her
match in Theodore Mooney.

Here she is.

Thank you.

Mr. Mooney?

Yes?

I'm Lucy Carmichael.

I believe we have
an appointment.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Mrs... Mrs. Car...

Just a moment.

Mrs. Carmichael,
please, sit down, sit down.

Are you comfy?

Well, yes, thank you.

Mrs. Carmichael,
I have certainly

been looking forward
to meeting you.

Well...

I've certainly been looking
forward to meeting you, too.

You know, Mrs. Carmichael,
we have something in common.

You flunked arithmetic, too?

No, no.

Our sons are in the
same class at school.

Oh!

Well, it's a small
world, isn't it?

Mrs. Carmichael,
I don't want you

to look on me as your banker.

Think of me as your friend.

Now, if there's
anything I can do to help,

please let me know.

Well, as a matter of fact,

there is a little something
you could do for me.

Anything at all.

Uh, uh, I'd like to have $50.

I see.

It's that simple.

All I have to do is
advance you $50

on your next month's allowance.

Yes, it's that simple.

Could I have it?

No.

I told Mrs. Bagley that
you were sweet, but...

No?!

No.

But you don't even
know why I need it.

It doesn't matter.

Look, Mr. Mooney, I
don't think you understand.

You see, we, uh, took the
$50 for the next car payment

to pay for the repairs.

So if you don't give me $50,
we're going to lose the car.

Oh, my, that was bad planning.

Well, if that's
your final answer...

It is.

Mr. Meanie, you're a Mooney.

I mean, Mooney, you're a meanie.

Are you gonna let me have
that money or aren't you?

No, I am not!

♪ Mooney is a meanie,
Mooney is a meanie ♪

Mrs. Carmichael,
please! Control your...

♪ Mooney is a meanie,
Mooney is a meanie ♪

- Really, Mrs. Carmichael!
- ♪ Mooney is a meanie! ♪

Please, please, please, Mrs...

Oh.

Mrs. Carmichael,
I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you can save $25
out of your allowance,

I will match it
with another $25.

How can I possibly save
$25 out of my allowance?

Economize, put
yourself on a budget.

Do away with all
your-your fripperies!

We have already
economized so much

that our idea of a
frippery is day-old bread.

That is my offer.

Take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Hi.

Hi, girl.

You finish all your errands?

Yes. It sure is nice to
have Old Grover back again.

Yeah.

How'd things go at the bank?

Did you get the money?

Yeah, I got the money.

Sort of.

You didn't get it?

Sort of.

Somehow that last "sort
of" rings a whole lot truer.

Now, Viv, there's
no need to worry.

Mr. Mooney is
going to give me $25,

if I can show him that I can
save $25 out of my allowance.

You save money out
of your allowance?

Well, you sound
like I never have!

You haven't!

Well, then this'll
be the first time.

Oh!

Now, I have lots of
plans for economizing.

Look at this.

What's that?

That's a do-it-yourself
barber kit.

You've got to be kidding.

Not at all.

From now on, it's free
haircuts for everybody.

Jerry, come here, honey.

Come on down here.

Lucy, you don't know
anything about barbering.

It says right here,

"Anyone who can
comb hair can cut hair."

That doesn't mean a thing.

Anyone who can dig
a hole can fall in it.

Oh, Viv.

What do you want, Mom?

Uh, next.

Oh, I can't bear to watch this.

Huh?

Come on, honey.

I have a home barber kit,

and from now on, I'm
gonna cut your hair at home.

Not your only son!

Get in the chair.

Aw, Mom...

Get in the chair.

Well, sir, haven't seen you
in my shop for some time.

Now, how would
you like your hair cut?

By somebody else!

Never mind. All the
other barbers are busy.

Now sit around.

Sit up straight.

Jerry, stop wiggling now.

Come on.

Jerry!

I got to answer the door!

Hi, Jerry.

Hi, Arnold.

Come on, I want you
to meet my mother.

Mom, Arnold is the
new boy in our class.

Well, hi, Arnold. Jerry
will be right with you,

soon as I cut his hair.

Come on.

Arnold, would you
like to take my place?

Well...

Now, uh, you would be

something of a
challenge, at that.

W-Would you like to have
me cut your hair, Arnold?

Do you give lollipops?

Well, do you wiggle?

No.

I give lollipops.

Okay.

Get up there.

Here we are.

Thank goodness.

I'll be out in the yard, Arnold.

Yeah, well, you're next, buddy.

Now, sir, let's see
what we have here.

Uh-huh.

Uh...

What do you think of that,
uh, football game Saturday?

That, uh, that's quite a team
they have there, don't you think?

Uh-huh. I'll bet you that
team, bet you that Notre Dame

can make the World Series.

Uh...

They're wearing their hair
kind of close-cropped this year.

There. Now it's all evened up.

Arnold, uh, d-do you ever
play Cowboys and Indians?

Oh, yeah.

I'm always one of the Cowboys.

Well, next time be an Indian.

I can't stand it any longer.

I've got to see what
you're doing to Jerry.

Lucy, you've changed his face!

Vivian, this is Arnold,

- a new little friend of Jerry's.
- Oh.

Uh, would you get
him a lollipop, please?

I ought to get him a lawyer.

Here you are, Arnold.

Thanks. Well, I got to be going.

Uh, wait a minute, honey.

Where do you live?

Uh, maybe I better
drive you home,

have a little talk
with your folks.

I'm not going home.

I'm going to meet
my father at the bank.

Father? Bank?

New boy in school.

Your name wouldn't
be Mooney, would it?

Sure. Arnold Mooney.

Arnold Mooney!

Nice work, Lucy.

Well, I got to go.

Uh, wait a minute.

Wouldn't you like
to stay for dinner,

or maybe the weekend or, uh,
or-or spend a couple of months?

How fast does your
hair grow, anyway?

Well, bye!

Good-bye, Arnold.

Hello, finance company.

Oh, now, Viv,
maybe it isn't that bad.

We aren't sure that Mr. Mooney's

going to be upset
about Arnold's hair.

We aren't?

We are.

First thing tomorrow morning,
I better get down to the bank

- and apologize.
- Yes, you better!

Because if you lose that car,

you're gonna lose a good tenant,
not to mention your best friend!

Mr. Mooney,

I've got to talk to you.

Oh, no!

It's you, the scalper!

Well, I... Mr. Mooney,
I came to apologize.

Well, I was hoping you'd
come here to hold us up.

Then we could at
least shoot it out.

Now, sir, I don't blame
you for being a little upset.

Upset? I'm not upset.

Now, just get out of here

and never darken my vault again!

But you just got to give me
a few minutes to-to explain.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael...

Don't!

Don't! Don't!

Why did you do that?

Because we are
not leaving this room

until you give me time to
tell you my side of the story.

We are not leaving this room
until 9:00 tomorrow morning.

What do you mean by that?

We're locked in.

We're not!

We are.

Well, b-but that's impossible.

Oh, no, it isn't.

It's a time lock... It
works automatically.

Oh, dear!

Well, somebody must
have the combination.

Somebody on the outside
must know how to open it.

Oh, of course! Why
didn't I think of it?

Somebody can open
it from the outside.

Well, of course. Who
has the combination?

I have.

Boy, talk about bad planning.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

That is a new lock.

I sent a copy of the combination

to the president of
our New York office.

They must be getting in
touch with him right now.

- Oh, good.
- Oh, yes, now, let's see,

he'd get that
combination this morning,

because I mailed the
letter last night, you see.

- Yeah.
- I made a special delivery,

registered, return
receipt request... re...

Oh, no!

Well, I...

I guess we're stuck.

Well, we'll just have
to make the best of it.

At least we can talk.

You know, this'll
give us a good chance

to get to know
each other better.

I know you better
than I want to already.

What time is it?

How long have we been in here?

Three hours and 37 minutes.

It's 6:15.

6:15? Why did you
have to tell me that?

Well, you asked me.

Yeah, but now my stomach
knows it's dinnertime.

I know, I'm hungry, too.

Oh...

Wait, I forgot!

My groceries!

- Groceries?!
- Yeah!

Wha... uh...

Paper napkins.

Bottlebrush.

Beans.

- Baked beans!
- Baked beans!

- Baked... baked...
- Yeah, boy!

Knowing you, I'll bet you
didn't bring a can opener.

No, I didn't.

Oh, wait, we're in luck!

Macaroni!

Uncooked macaroni?

Well, it's all we've got.

Gee, I've never eaten
uncooked macaroni, either.

Boy.

Not bad.

Have some?

Never!

Must you chew so loudly?

It's a little difficult to chew
uncooked macaroni softly.

I guess I'll save
the rest for later.

Thank goodness.

Oh.

You want to play poker?

Poker?

Do you have a deck of cards?

Well, they're children's cards;
they belong to my little boy.

I bought them at
the store today.

It's a game called
"Who's in the Barnyard?"

"Who's in the Barnyard?"

Yeah, but I think we
can adapt them for poker.

Here, give 'em a good
shuffle. I'll clear off the table.

All right.

I'll, uh...

I'll take two.

One, two.

I'll play these.

I'll bet $5,000.

$5,000 it is...

and I'll raise you...

$20,000.

I'll see you...

and raise you $50,000!

$50,000 it is.

I call.

I hope you know
what you're doing.

Oh, I know what I'm doing.

Three piggies...

and two bunnies.

Just a moment...

Just a moment.

Four little lambs
and a billy goat,

and billy goats are wild.

Uh, uh, uh, pa-pa-pa...
par-par-par...

ooh, par-par-pardon me.

That is still the bank's money.

Oh...

I forgot we were
playing for fun.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I am so hungry. I...

- Yeah, me, too.
- How-How...

how was that macaroni, anyway?

Well, plain but filling.

Yeah. Uh, uh, uh, c-could
you let me have just a little?

I'd like to try it.

- Sure.
- All right.

Here you are.

Yeah, thank you.

Not bad.

It's not bad at all.

Won't you join me?

No, I'm saving mine.

Oh.

Here, I'll divide it.

- Oh.
- Some for you...

some for me.

All right.

Mm...

One for you and one for me,

one for you and one for me...

one for you and one for me,

one for you and one for me...

Eh.

You're taking all the big ones.

One for you and one for me,

one for you and one for me...

♪♪

Aha!

I... I-I wa... I was just making
sure your macaroni was safe.

Now, Mr. Mooney,

I know you for your real self.

You are a macaroni snatcher!

Just give me one
little bit, a taste.

Who's rich now, Mr. Mooney?!

Please, just one
piece of macaroni.

One delicious,
mouth-watering morsel.

We divvied up, and
you ate your share.

Mrs. Carmichael, you are
toying with a starving man.

I demand a portion
of your provision!

One more step and I'll shout.

- I'll yell. I'll scream.
- Ah? Yeah?

I'll wail.

I'll eat up all the macaroni.
That's what I'll do.

- No, no, no, no, n...
- I'll eat it all up!

- Please, no, don't, don't...
- I'll eat all this macaroni

- don't do anything rash!
- Up myself!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

What am I bid

for this nice, fresh,
plump piece of macaroni?

Five dollars!

Five dollars. Do I hear ten?

Yes, I hear ten back there.

- Where?
- Right back there.

- Do I hear...
- Uh, $15! $15!

- $15, $15. Do I hear $20?
- Yeah.

What's that? Oh, the
owner has instructed me

that I should sell these
as a matching pair.

Now...

do I hear $20?

Do I hear $20?

Uh, $20.

$20. Do I hear $30?

$30!

- Do I hear $40?
- $40!

$40. Now, gentlemen,

have you inspected the
quality of this macaroni?

The roundness, the texture

and the nutrition.

Each piece in itself is a meal.

$50!

$50! Sold to the
hungry-looking gentleman below.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

$50, please.

$50.

The door is opening!

We're free!

We're free!

♪♪

- Lucy...
- Please, Viv, I'm on television.

- Oh.
- Pardon me, please.

- Pardon me, please.
- Oh, well, I...

- Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes?

Could you tell me exactly
how this thing happened?

- Oh, are you a reporter?
- Yes, I am.

Oh, well, actually,
it was all my fault.

- Uh-huh.
- I did the dumbest thing.

You see, I wanted to talk
to Mr. Mooney in private,

so without realizing
what I was doing,

when I got in there
I closed the door.

No!

- Yes, I did, Viv.
- Oh, no!

I closed the door, like that.

Mr. Mooney is still in there!

Oh, no!

Yes, he is! He didn't come out!

Oh, no!

Mr. Mooney!

Hi.

Mr. Mooney!

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