The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 3 - Lucy and Viv Play Softball - full transcript

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The thing I like best

about these volunteer
fire department meetings

is the refreshments.

Viv, if you don't keep
away from those brownies,

your side of the fire
truck is going to tip over.

Oh, come now.

Hi, Mom.

- Hi, guys.
- Hi, honey!

Hello there, Sherm.

Well, what went on
in school today, dear?



The same old jazz.

Boy, that Billy Simmons
is sure full of baloney.

What do you mean?

Oh, today at recess, Billy
said his mother told him

that your volunteer
softball team

is going to play a
game this Saturday.

And I said, "That's crazy,

'cause the season's
been over for a month."

And he said, "I
don't care. It's so."

And I said, "You're all wet."

And he said, "You
take that back."

And I said, "Make me."

And he said, "Okay,
put up your fists."

And then what happened?



Recess ended.

Oh.

Well, Sherman, I hate
to tell you this, darlin',

but Billy was right.

The Ridgebury Volunteer
Fire Department women's team

has challenged our team.

And we're going to play a
postseason game Saturday.

For charity.

Now you tell me.

Well, we'll get
tickets for you fellas,

- and you can go to the game.
- No, thanks.

I don't
think I want to go, either.

Why?

Why not?

Well, gee, we went to
every game this season,

and you and Aunt Lucy
never got to play once.

Well...

It was the most humiliating
summer I've ever spent.

Well, it just so happens
that we're going to play

in this game, so you'll be able
to hold your head up once again.

Thank goodness.

That's neat.

Hey, look. Brownies!

Boy, I love these
committee meetings.

Lucy, why did you tell them

we were going to play
in the game Saturday?

Because we are.

What do you mean?

Look, why did we sit
on the bench all season?

Because the manager
claimed we weren't any good.

Exactly.

And who was the
manager? Audrey Simmons.

So, you see, it had
nothing to do with ability.

It was politics.

I know, girl, but there's
nothing you can do about it.

Oh, yes, there is,
and I already did it.

What?

I stopped by the hardware
store this morning,

and I asked Mr. Cresant
to be our new manager,

and he accepted.

Oh, that's great.
He'll let us play.

I figure Audrey can't
object to the manager

who won the championship
for the boys' league.

What if she does object?

Listen, I am captain
of the volunteers,

and if Audrey Simmons says
one word to me, so help me, I'll...

Hi!

Audrey, darling.

Hello, dear.

- Viv.
- Hello, Franny.

Hi, Viv. How are you?

Nice to see you.

Thank you.

- Hi, Franny.
- Hi, Lucy.

Well, girls, are we going to
win the big game tomorrow?

You bet we are.

And what are we going
to do to Ridgebury?

Smash 'em, bust 'em.

That's our custom.

Danfield Fire Belles.

Yay!

Say, we stopped by the sporting
goods store on the way over,

and they want some
more tickets for the game.

It's almost a sellout.

That's great.

Wonderful. I have
some good news, too.

The Danfield Chamber of Commerce

wants to donate a prize.

Every member of the winning
team gets a shiny new axe.

- Oh, boy!
- Oh, an axe!

Listen, with all those people
coming and everything,

I wish we could do
something about new uniforms.

Our old ones look so tacky.

Oh, I know. Mine's
absolutely threadbare.

If I have to slide into
one more base Saturday,

the game could be raided.

Uh, my uniform is
in very good shape.

Mine, too.

Wait a minute.

I have a wonderful idea.

My cousin Elliot manages the
Danfield High baseball team,

but their season's over.

So we could borrow
the uniforms from them.

That's a marvelous idea!

We'll look just
like big leaguers.

Yeah, I'll call him tonight.

Now, let's see.
What else is th...?

Oh, Viv, here's
the starting lineup.

Now, you give this to
the printer for the program.

Okay.

Audrey, any new
faces in the lineup?

No, it's the same wonderful team

that did such a bang-up
job for us this summer.

Mm-hmm. Well,
in that case, then,

Viv, before you take
that to the printer,

you better wait and
get the new lineup

from the new manager.

New manager?

Yes. Mr. Cresant. He's
holding tryouts tomorrow,

and he's going to
choose his own lineup.

Who asked him to
be the new manager?

I did, by the authority
vested in me as captain

of the volunteer
fire department.

I fail to see the connection.

Your authority does not
extend to the baseball diamond.

Well, now let me put
it this way, Audrey...

Uh, isn't it your
turn next month

to drive the fire truck?

Yes.

Well, there could be a little
change in that lineup, too.

You wouldn't!

How 'bout refreshments, girls?

Goody. I'm starved.

Mom, did you want to see me?

Yeah, honey.
We're having tryouts

this afternoon for the big game,

and I thought maybe you
could give me some pointers.

Okay.

Well, I thought I'd
try out for shortstop,

since that's what I
played all season.

What?!

Well, that's what I would
have played if I'd played.

What would you like to know?

Well, first, what does
the shortstop do?

"What does a shortstop do?"

Well, I know that
he picks up the ball,

and he throws to the bases

and he makes outs
and things like that,

but I mean, what
can I do to show off

in front of Mr. Cresant?

A double play is pretty flashy.

Oh, yeah. I've seen that.

How's that work?

Well, here's second base.

- Yeah?
- And here's shortstop.

Uh-huh?

I catch the ball, run to
second, and throw to first.

Oh, yeah. Let's see, now.

I better practice that.

Now, this is the second base,
and the shortstop is in here.

And I scoop up the ball,

and I touch second base,

and I throw to first.

You got to do that
a whole lot faster.

Oh, well, I probably
could do it better

if you'd throw me the ball.

- Okay.
- Go ahead.

Now, you throw me the ball.

I'm shortstop over here,

and you throw me
a sizzling grounder.

And I scoop it up,

and I touch second
base, and I throw...

Oh, boy.

Hey! It must have
ricocheted off the porch.

That isn't our ball.

It isn't? Well, what on...

Say, uh, is this your ball?

Yeah. Is this your ball?

Yeah.

Ooh, boy.

Sherman was showing
me how to be a pitcher.

Yeah, Jerry was showing
me how to be a shortstop.

I throw a great knuckleball,
but Sherm says it's illegal.

Yeah. Hey, we better be going.

We haven't got time
to practice anymore.

Anyway, we're
about out of window.

Yeah. Oh, thanks
for the help, Jerry.

Thank you, darlin'.
See you later.

Oh, boy. Audrey Simmons
is in for the surprise of her life.

Uh-huh!

How's your mom?

Can she really pitch?

Well, let's put it this way...

Sandy Koufax doesn't
have a thing to worry about.

How's your mom?

I'm all ready to be
humiliated again.

Right in here. Right in here.

Play ball. Right in here.

I got that one. I got...

- Okay. Right here.
- Oh!

That was mine.

Oh, come on, Fran.

Oh, let me get...

- Lucy, you want to get the ball?
- Oh, yeah.

- All right, right in there.
- Here!

Right in here,
right in the ol' glove!

Franny, will you
let me throw one?

Come on, now. That's mine.

- All right...
- Lucy, you want to get the ball?

Look out. Look out.

Ah. All right.

Okay, everybody.
Come on. Come on.

Right over here.
Put it right over here.

All right, girls. Right
in here. Come on, now.

Hurry up. Line up.

All right. Huh?

Okay.

Well, girls, I've
seen enough practice

to know where the strength is.

So, there is your
starting lineup.

Oh, where do we play?

Which one? Where do we...?

Where am I? Where am I?

And-And you're first base...

How about that?

Back on the bench again.

Some manager he is.

That's the same lineup Audrey
Simmons used all season.

All right, team. Let's
go out on the field.

Let's go, team.

Let's
go out on the field. Let's...

Mr. Cresant, do
you mean to tell me

that out of 11 players,
we are the worst?

Well, let me put it this way:

Yes.

You don't know a baseball
player when you see one.

We can't be that bad.

Well, that's what I thought,
but you certainly surprised me.

Mr. Cresant,

do you realize that
in the last six months,

I have spent $86.72

in your hardware store?

And do you realize that,
for the last six months,

I've been trying to collect?

Well, if you're going to hound
me, how can I play baseball?

Lucy, I'll bet we're the
only two players in the world

who've spent their entire
baseball career sitting on the bench.

Yeah.

They may hang our
pants in the Hall of Fame.

Yeah.

Mr. Cresant?

As captain of our
volunteer fire department,

I can only hope you never
have a fire in your hardware store.

Well, insulting the manager's

hardly the way to
get in the lineup.

I would suggest that you
two practice with the team.

If there's one thing in the
world I don't have to practice,

it's how to sit.

Hello, Mr. Cresant.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Edwards.

Say, aren't you just a
little bit late for practice?

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Cresant.

But you see, I just
came from my doctor,

and, well, I'm afraid I won't
be able to play Saturday.

Oh, is something wrong?

Oh, no. No.

Everything's just fine.

Well, then,
why can't you play?

Well, uh...

Babette!

- You mean that you're...
- Yes.

Congratulations!
I hope it's a boy!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Babette.

This is your fifth, isn't it?

Oh, no. My sixth.

Your sixth. Oh, I'll bet
your husband's so happy.

Oh, my goodness.
I forgot to tell him.

Well, somebody
ought to tell him.

Yes. E-Excuse me.

Isn't that wonderful?

I never had this problem
with the boys' team.

Hey! That means that one of
us gets to play in the outfield.

Oh, I could play. I
could play left field.

That's my best
position. Left field!

No! You're no outfielder, Viv.

You're a catcher.

How do you know?

You're built like a catcher.

Now, now, I can play
outfield, Mr. Cresant.

- I... I didn't miss a ball all season.
- Neither did I.

Wait a minute. You two
didn't play all season.

So what? I'm your
outfielder. I'm your outfielder.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yes, I am.

- Now, wait a minute. Please. Ladies...
- Come on, put me in.

I've watched your
fielding during practice.

Believe me, it's hard to choose.

Well, you got to choose
one of us. We're all that's left.

Don't rub it in!

Well, actually, since
you're both equal,

I suppose I should give
the position to the best hitter.

- I'm the best hitter.
- You are not.

- Yes, I am.
- I'm the best hitter.

- I'm the best hitter.
- I am the best hitter.

- I'm the best hitter!
- I know, I know.

You went all season without
a strikeout. Excuse me.

Put me in, Coach. Please.

No, put me in, Coach. Put me in.

Ladies! Stop! Ladies! Quit it!

You're stretching my alpaca!

All right, come on! Holy cow!

All right, I have an idea.

There is a batting machine
down at the amusement park.

Now, why don't you
two go down there,

and whoever gets the
most hits off of the machine

will be the centerfielder, okay?

Batting machine!

- That's a great idea. Thank you.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

Batting machine.

Uh-huh.

Okay, Viv, you go ahead.

Then you come back and tell me

how many hits you
made, and then I'll go.

Okay.

Oh, no, you don't!

No, sir, we're going together,
so we can check on each other.

Boy, don't you trust anybody?

Almost anybody.

All right, Viv,
we'll go together.

Fine.

All right, Hazel,
you go down there...

Oh, shut up.

Another one!

Oh, boy!

Oh...

That settles it.
Out of 100 balls,

I got twice as many
hits as you did.

Big deal.

You got two hits, I got one.

Well, anyway, I
win. I get to play.

How about another 50?

Aw, no. Now, you've
already conned me

into another 50
because I was ahead.

All right, Viv, if you
don't want to be fair.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Anybody can hit those
slow ones, for heaven's sake.

The real test comes

when you turn this machine
up to Major League speed.

What makes you think you
could hit Major League speed

when you've already
missed 99 slow balls?

The only reason you beat me
is 'cause you're a bloop hitter.

I'm a slugger, and us
sluggers kill fastballs.

Okay, slugger, one
more turn, but that's it.

Okay. Put your 50 cents in.

It's your turn for that.

Oh, I gotta get some change.

Okay, go ahead. I'll wait here.

Oh, no! You're coming with me.

Why?

Because you still got 50 cents,

and I want to be sure
that while I'm gone,

you don't take a warm-up turn.

Oh, boy, do you
have a crooked mind.

Now go on, get going.

Oh, now...

Go on.

Sheesh...

Viv! Viv, get me outta here!

Viv, my buttons
are caught on here!

Viv! Viv, come back! Oh, Viv!

Viv! Ah!

Viv, get me out of here!

I thought you weren't
going to practice!

Never mind that. Get
me unhooked from here.

Cheaters never prosper.

This is no time for a lecture!

All right, if I get you
out, will you admit I won?

Yeah, all right, just
get me out. I don't care.

Do I get to play?
Do I get to play?

Yes, you get to play.

- All right.
- Just unhook me, will ya?

Take your arms
out of your sleeves.

Aah!

That wasn't fair.

Look who's talking
about being fair.

Oh, boy.

I get
to play, I get to play!

Oh!

Hurry up, Lucy.

We're due at the baseball
field in 15 minutes.

Aunt Viv, you look great!

- Oh, thanks.
- Hey!

You've got number 12.
That's Tommy Finley's uniform.

Yeah? Is that lucky?

Lucky? He hit more home
runs than any player this season.

Oh, boy, I hope it
brings me some luck.

Yeah.

I'll bet Audrey Simmons
did this on purpose.

Hey, how come yours fits?

Well, I guess Audrey sent
the best-fitting uniforms

to those of us who
are going to play.

Well, none of my
belts are big enough

to go around all
this extra material,

so I gotta wrap it up
in my bathrobe cord.

Will you help me?

- Sure. Come on, Chrissy.
- Okay.

Put it through the loops.

- You hold that.
- All right.

Ho-Hold up the
trousers there. That's it.

- Hold that up, now. Hold it out.
- All right.

Mom, do you know who
wore this uniform last season?

The shortstop and the catcher?

No, it belongs to the star
pitcher, Art Thompson.

Everybody calls him "Moose."

They call him
that, or he is one?

There you are.

Thank you.

Come on, batter!

Come on, batter!

Ball four!
Take your base.

How about that, Lucy?

The top of the
ninth, a tie score,

the bases are
loaded and two outs!

Okay, Viv, I saw the whole thing
from my permanent front-row seat.

You're a sorehead.

Okay, Franny, baby,
the bases are loaded.

You get on, and we're ahead.

- I'll try my best.
- Just remember,

the whole game rests
on your shoulders.

Okay, Coach.

Time out! Time out!

Girls,
get back! Give her air!

Come on, now! Give her air!

Come on, there, now...
Franny, Franny, baby, Franny?

Ow...

Oh!

Franny, you all right?

Oh, I'm just a little nervous.

I'll be fine, if I
can just lie down

and keep my feet up for a while.

All right,
let's go. Let's play ball.

All right, I'm gonna take
her. I can take her, Coach.

- Play ball!
- Oh, Franny, Franny!

Clear the bench.

- Get my feet up! Get my feet up!
- Get her feet up!

- Get her...
- Up!

- My feet up!
- That's it. Yeah, right there.

PLAYERS AND
CRESANT: Get her feet up!

That's it. Oh, darn.

Your
feet up high enough?

- Mr. Cresant?
- Huh?

I guess you'll have
to put in a pinch hitter.

Yeah, yeah.

Put in a pinch hitter.

Oh, boy.

- Say, Fran, Franny, baby?
- Oh!

How long do you
think you're gonna have

to lie down with
your feet up, huh?

Gee, I don't know.
I feel kinda woozy.

Oh, Franny, you can't be woozy!

Well, I am woozy!

Well, lie down, lie down.

Keep your feet up.

Hey, uh, Audrey, I don't,
uh, suppose by any chance

Babette could have
had her baby yet?

Well, I hardly think so.

Yeah, yeah.

Well...

Play ball!

Mrs. Carmichael?

Yes, sir?

You're going in
to play center field,

and you're gonna
pinch hit for Frances.

Oh, thank you, thank you!

Okay, everybody, out of the way.

Oh, Lucy's gonna go in!

Out of the way, everybody!

- Oh, Lucy's...
- Out of the way! Out of the way!

Oh, get ready, get ready. Oh!

Oh, for
heaven's sake, Lucy!

There she... All right,
Lucy, come on, Lucy.

All right, play ball!

- All right, let's go...
- Okay.

Let's go, girl.

Ow!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Strike one!

What do you mean, strike one?

I wasn't ready.

You were standing
in the batter's box.

I wasn't standing.
I was hopping.

Well, if you want to hop,

do your hopping
outside the batter's box.

I'll hop anyplace I
happen to want to!

You keep on hopping, the
pitcher'll keep on pitching.

You show me in the rulebook

where hopping is not
allowed in the batter's box!

Show me that...

Aah... Ooh!

Take your base.

What?

Hit by a pitched
ball... Take your base.

Mrs. Carmichael, we're winning!

You drove in a run!

Well, and you
thought I couldn't hit.

Take your base.

Take your base.

No!

- Let's play ball!
- Okay. Hey, Lucy...

- one more out and we win, girl!
- Yeah!

I can feel that new axe
in my hand right now.

- Okay, Audrey, baby!
- Okay, all ready.

All right now, Audrey,
baby, strike her out.

Yeah, you can do it, Aud.

Whip it past her, baby!

It's yours,
Lucy. It's coming right to you.

I can't see it. The
sun's in my eyes.

- Where is it?
- Well, get your sunglasses.

What? I didn't bring 'em. I
didn't bring any sunglasses.

- No, I...
- All right, get... get the ball...

- Where is it?
- Go get it! Go get it!

Hurry up, Lucy! Throw...

Throw it in! Throw it right in!

It's okay, Lucy. You
held her to a single.

- Let 'er go, now!
- All right.

Okay, now.

- I got it!
- I got it!

- I got it!
- No, I got it!

It's coming right to me!
Coming straight to me.

No, it's mine, Viv! It's mine!

Lucy!

What's the matter with you?

Why don't you
stay out of the way?

Why don't you look where
you're going, for heaven's sake?

- Oh...

- Throw the ball!
- I'm throwing the ball!

Oh! Oh!

Now the bases are
loaded, thanks to you.

- Thanks to me?
- Yeah, thanks...

Lucy, what did you
do, bet on Ridgebury?

Now, just a cotton-pickin'
minute, Audrey.

Can't you catch one ball?!

You're the worst
outfielder I've ever seen.

If you pitch 'em
a little better,

they wouldn't hit
'em out here so far!

Are you trying to tell me...?

All right, all right,
I'll handle this.

Audrey, you get on back
to the pitching mound.

Mrs. Carmichael, I'm
afraid I'm gonna have

to send you back to the bench.

But there's nobody
left to play in my place.

I know. I think
it's better this way.

Mr. Cresant, the rules say that
there have to be nine players!

I know, I know!

Yeah.

You see, the sun really
is bad, Mr. Cresant.

I'm not looking at the
sun. I'm hoping for rain.

Oh!

Okay, on with the game.

Clear the field!

You see the trouble
you got me into?

You're supposed to
be playing left field.

Now, will you get
over there and play it?

All right, I'll play it.

Play ball!

Okay, it's coming right to you.

- Oh! Where is it?
- Right there.

There it comes. There it comes.

Both hands...!

Lucy? Lucy?

Both hands.

Both hands, Lucy!

Oh, there it is!

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