The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 27 - Lucy Is a Process Server - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Good morning, Mrs. Carmichael.

Good morning, George.

Good morning, Mr. Mooney!

Oh, good morning,
Mrs. Carmichael!



Did you come
here for a calendar?

Well, here you are,
courtesy of the Danfield Bank.

Well, thank you very much,
but I already have one.

I just came over to
talk to you, Mr. Mooney.

Oh.

Please, may I have an
advance on my allowance?

No.

But you don't even know
why I want the money.

The answer is still no.

Oh, you always say no.

If you ask me, Mr. Mooney,

you have a very neurotic
attachment to my allowance.

Now, please, Mrs. Carmichael...

When it comes to
me and my money,



your mind is warped!

The only thing that's warped
around here is your idea

of how much money
you have to spend.

Now if I gave you an
advance on your allowance

every time you asked for it,

we would now be
dipping into the year 1972.

But, Mr. Mooney,
this is so important.

I've just gotta have that money

so I can take a
vacation this summer.

You can't afford a vacation.

But everybody I know

is going away on
a vacation but me.

I'm gonna be spending

the whole boring summer
all alone in a ghost town.

Well, it won't be too bad.

Once a week, you can
stand on the front porch

and wave to the stagecoach.

Oh, you're a big help!

Please, Mrs. Carmichael,

if that's all you have
to say, I'm very busy.

I'm trying to get
my work finished up

before Mrs. Mooney and
I take off on our cruise.

You're going on a cruise?

Where are you going?

Oh, we're taking a
freighter to the Caribbean.

Oh, a freighter
to the Caribbean!

Oh, that sounds so...

How come you
get to go on a cruise

and I don't get to go anywhere?

Because I am who I am
and you are who you are.

Well, I don't think
that's very nice...

Rubbing it in just
because I don't have

as much money as you do!

Now, now, now, now...

- That's not very nice.
- Now, now, Mrs. Carmichael.

It really isn't.

Now, now, if I may make
a revolutionary suggestion,

you could get a job.

That way, between
now and summer,

you would save enough
money to take a vacation.

Well, I'd be very
happy to get a job,

but after our last
two experiences,

the Acme Employment
Agency and I aren't speaking.

Well, you are in luck.

Why? Why am I in luck?

Because a new employment
agency just opened on Oak Street.

Oh, good!

Well, I'll go right over there.

I'll tell them that you sent me.

No, please don't!

I'm trying to get their
banking business!

Oh. Oh, all right.

Okay.

Well, Vivian, you got

yourself a companion
for Lake Placid.

Did Mr. Mooney give you an
advance on your allowance?

No, he's just as tight as ever.

Where are you
gonna get the money?

Where's that typewriter?

Now, Lucy, the kids need
that typewriter for school.

You're not gonna hock it.

Oh, don't be silly.

I got myself a job, and
I'm going to practice.

You gonna repair typewriters?

I have a job as a secretary.

Oh, I think you'd do a lot
better repairing typewriters.

Vivian, for your information,
tomorrow morning I start work

for the Danfield
Attorney Service.

I'm gonna do all
sorts of things.

I'm gonna file documents,
serve subpoenas,

type and take shorthand.

Oh, it's gonna be good
to feel those old keys

under my fingers again.

Lucy, you haven't
felt those old keys

under your fingers since
you were in high school.

And that's been at least...

Never mind.

Now I'm gonna have to
find something to copy.

Ooh, brother.

No, not that.

Music.

Yes.

That's, that's fine.

My, it sure came
back to you fast.

Oh, well, I knew it would.

Mother Goose?

Well, it doesn't matter
what you practice typing on.

Words are words.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Viv!

"Jack and Jowl went up the
hill to scratch a pair of snyders?

Jerk fell down..."

All right, that's enough now.

I guess I went
a little too fast.

Well, I guess you did.

Maybe I better
practice my shorthand.

Will you give me some dictation?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay, go ahead.

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

"There was an old
woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children,
she didn't know what..."

Not so fast, please.

"There...

"was...

"an...

"old...

"woman...

who..."

Uh, take it easy.

Just, just a little
slower, please.

"There...

was..."

Hi, girl.

Well, hello there, working girl.

How'd your first
day at the job go?

Beautifully.

In fact, I did so
well as a secretary,

they promoted me
to process serving.

Your typing was that bad, huh?

Well, yes, if you must know.

Those parties of the
first part are even tougher

than Peter, Peter,
pumpkin eater.

Well, don't be
discouraged, honey.

You'll make a good
process server.

Well, I'd better.

I've been given my first
subpoena to serve tomorrow.

I have the distinct impression

that if I don't make good at
this, the boss may fire me.

What makes you think that?

He said so.

Well, that would
give you a clue.

Well, I don't think
I can bungle this.

All I have to do is take the
subpoena, see who it's for,

find the person and say, "Are
you, uh, Theodore Mooney?"

and hand it to him.

Theodore Mooney?!

Oh, no!

Oh, he'll be furious.

Just furious!

Oh, now why, Lucille?
You're just doing

your job, and if you didn't

- give it to him, somebody else would.
- Oh, dear.

Now why would he get mad
if you hand him a subpoena?

He'd get mad if I handed
him the Nobel Prize!

Well, you have to do it.

Yes, I have to do it.

First thing tomorrow,
I'll go to that bank

and get it over with.

Now what's wrong with tonight?

He just lives down the block.

All you have to do
is go up to his house,

knock on his door
and get it over with.

All right, I'll do it.

I'll go down to his
house, knock on the door

and get it over with.

Good.

I can't do it.

Now, Lucy...

No, I can't do it.

Maybe it would help you
if we rehearsed a little bit.

I could play like
I'm Mr. Mooney.

All right, I'll take
the subpoena,

I'll go outside the door,

I'll ring the bell, and
you are Mr. Mooney. Yes.

Yes, fine.

Mrs. Bagley...

Oh, um, why, Mr...

Uh, well, um, pardon me -

for barging in like this,

but your back door was unlocked

and no one answered my knock.

You see, I wanted
Mrs. Carmichael to...

Don't you answer
your front door either?

Well, if you're
not going to, I will.

Are you Theodore Mooney?

Well, of course I am.

Then this must be
the wrong house.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Mrs. Carmichael!

Just what kind of a
game are you playing?

Uh, well...

No, no, no, I
don't want to know.

Would you just sign
these checks, please?

They'll take care
of your basic needs

while I'm away on my trip.

Just those three right there.

There's the pen.

Uh, Lucy tells me
you're taking a trip.

Oh, yes. Yes, yes,
I'm meeting Irma

in New York tonight, and
the boat leaves tomorrow.

At least, I think
it's leaving...

if it doesn't sink
under the weight

of all the clothes
that Irma's taking. Oh!

- There.
- Thank you very much.

Here you are.

Well, I hope

you get to go on a nice
vacation trip this summer, too.

Thank you. How's
the job coming along?

Why do you say that?

I just hoped it was
going well, that's all.

It's going fine.

Good, good. I must be going.
I'm taking the 6:15 to New York.

Theodore Mooney!

Yes?

Uh, uh, bon-bon voyage,
Theodore Mooney.

Thank you, Lucille Carmichael.

Oh, what's the matter with you?

Oh, I don't know.

I just couldn't do it.

I tried, but I just
couldn't do it.

When he looked at me with
those beady little eyes of his,

I just went limp.

My spirit was willing, but
my subpoena was weak.

Well, I'll send you lots

of pretty picture
postcards from Lake Placid.

Oh, Viv, I just can't stay
here all summer all alone.

It looks like you're
going to have to.

Oh! Hey, he's taking the 6:15.

I'll catch him at the station.

What makes you think
you're gonna be any braver

at the station than you were
right here in your own home?

Well, I won't be any braver,

but he's the president of a bank

and he wouldn't want
to be seen striking

one of his depositors in public.

Now come on, get your coat.

I don't see Mr. Mooney.

Maybe he's out on the platform.

Hold it, hold it, young man.

I better count these,

make sure that I haven't
forgotten anything.

I'll be right back and take
them out to the train, sir.

Thank you, thank you.

One, two, three four,
five, six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, 11, 12.13, 14...

11, 12.13, 14...

Oh, good night, nurse.

That little square one.

One of the bags is missing.

A little square bag like that.

If I showed up in New York
without all of the luggage,

my wife would kill me.

Oh, you know how Irma is.

Whoo!

Right...

Of course, you don't know her.

Let me tell you.

She is the kind of a
woman who keeps notes.

She makes long lists.

Puts a little "X"
after one thing...

Maybe it's a check
mark if she likes,

but usually it's an "X,"
because she doesn't kind of...

She wri...

Maybe I left it out in the taxi.

I guess he isn't here yet.

But he left our
house before we did.

He probably stopped by the bank
to leave those checks of yours.

Maybe so.

Well, let's sit right here

where we can
watch all the doors.

Okay.

Well, I don't understand it.

He ought to be here by now

if he's going to
catch that train.

Maybe we better look
around outside, huh?

All right, I'll look out here,

- you look out there, so we don't miss him.
- Okay.

Would you give me some
change for the telephone, please?

See, I'm going
on my first cruise.

I'll be gone from my
bank for at least six weeks.

I just thought of something

I wanted to tell
my vice president.

Because he's kind
of slow on the...

You-you have to kind of... He...

Thank you very much.

No, he...

He just isn't
here yet, that's all.

But he's got to be here if
he's gonna catch the 6:15.

Oh, he better get here soon

or that train will
leave without him.

It wouldn't dare.

You're right.

I'm going out there
and see if his car is here.

Okay.

You stay now.

- Keep a sharp lookout.
- All right.

Vivian, there he goes!

What's the matter with you?!

I was hungry.

- Vivian, never mind...
- What about my dime?

Vivian, never mind your dime!

He just went...

Oh, now look what you've done.

- I've lost him in the crowd.
- I was kind of hungry.

- How hungry can you...?
- Well, I saw those chocolate bars...

Would you mind?

Let us through.

He just couldn't have
disappeared into thin air.

Lucy, are you really
sure you saw him?

I'm positive.

Then where can he be?

Oh, he's probably
just hiding from me

just-just so I'll lose my job.

Lucy, he doesn't even
know you're looking for him.

That wouldn't stop him.

Viv.

There he is. That's him.

Quick, the subpoena.

Come on, get it out,
get it out. Hurry up.

Oh, where is it?

Hurry up. Get it out.

Here it is.

Now, quick before he gets away.

What's the matter?

I can't do it.

Now you said you'd be
better here in front of people.

Oh, what do I know?

Take it over there
and put it in his pocket

when he isn't
looking and then run.

Oh, Viv, a lot you know
about process serving.

It isn't legal unless
you inform the person

he's being served.

Oh, well...

- Hey.
- Hmm?

- I know what I'll do.
- What?

I'll slip it into his pocket

and then I'll go in
there and I'll call him

and have him paged.

Tell him to look in his pocket
and he'll find a nice surprise.

Oh, that's perfect.

I did it.

- I'm gonna make the call.
- Good.

It's not...

- I can't.
- You have to.

Oh, I can't do that.

Go on.

Oh...

Oh, you got it.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

What happened?

Vivian, may I say
you haven't lived

until you've jumped on
and off a moving train.

How did you ever get up
the nerve to jump off the train?

Well, it isn't hard when
you got a lot of people

running after you
calling you a pickpocket.

Oh, you poor little thing.

Come over here and sit down.

This has been an awful
rough day for you, honey.

There...

There's Mr. Mooney.

How can we be sure?

Oh, now don't be silly.
You know that's Mr. Mooney.

Come on, come on,

go put that subpoena
in his pocket.

No, I don't want any
more of that pocket jazz.

I'm just going
to hand it to him.

You know, I don't
usually eat hamburgers,

but my wife's having
dinner with friends

in New York, you see,

- and so I'm not going to be able...
- Theodore Mooney!

That's right.

I-I have something for you.

I hope it's a towel.

Here.

"Jack and Jowl
went up to the hill

to scratch a pair of..."

That's the wrong thing.

What was it supposed to be?

It was supposed to be

"Jack and Jill went
up the hill to fetch a..."

If, uh, you ladies
will excuse me,

I'll go and wash
off the mustard.

Oh, shut up!

What did I do with
that subpoena?

You probably left it
on the living room table.

Oh, no.

Well, once again, you wave
a fond farewell to Lake Placid.

Oh, no, Vivian, no.

Hey, I got one more chance.

Tomorrow morning
I'll go into New York

and give it to him on the boat.

Oh, that's great.

A subpoena will make a
great bon voyage present.

Bon voyage present. Yeah!

Yeah, I'll wrap the
subpoena around

a big bottle of champagne.

Ah, I needed that.

Uh, pardon me, sir,

but is Mrs. Mooney on board yet?

Not yet, steward, no, no.

Oh, well, as soon as all the
visitors have gone ashore,

the captain's ready to sail.

He can't sail without Irma.

Well, that's up
to the captain, sir.

Well, she'll be
here at any minute.

It's... Well, I'll go and
talk to the captain.

Up there. Thank you.

All visitors to shore.

Oh, Mrs. Mooney.

Welcome aboard.

I'll tell the captain
you're here.

Port side, starboard side,

passageway, gangway.

What kind of a
ship is this, anyway?

You can't even find the bridge.

Oh, no!

What are you doing here?!

I just came to say good-bye.

Good-bye.

Don't go away mad.

With you, there's
no other way to go.

Are you Theodore Mooney?

Oh, please, don't
start that again.

Here.

Oh, thank you.

- Have a nice trip.
- Thank you.

Oh, good!

Good?

Oh, yes, I've been
expecting this.

I'm most anxious
to go down to court

and appear as a
witness in this case.

Oh, thank goodness.

I had to serve you
that to keep my job,

but I... I thought
you'd be furious.

Not at all. No.

Where is Irma?

She should be here.

She doesn't have enough clothes.

She had to go and buy
just one more sundress.

Well, don't be too
upset at her, Mr. Mooney.

I expect she's very excited

about going on this
vacation with you.

And you certainly have
something to celebrate.

After all, you're
getting away from me

for six whole weeks.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Hear, hear.

Oh, by all means.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, indeed.

This is an unexpected pleasure.

Well, it's mine, I assure you.

What a thing to drink to. Yes.

- Well, to vacations.
- To vacations.

- Ah, my.
- Ooh.

I've been looking forward
to this trip for ages.

Just think, no telephone
calls, no bank business...

Do you realize there are only
12 passengers on this ship?

- Is that so, just 12?
- Yes, sir, 12 passengers.

Mm-hmm, and we won't
even touch a port for 28 days.

Oh, gosh, that sounds marvelous.

And isn't it amazing... The
moment you step aboard

- you could swear that the ship is moving.
- Yes.

I can almost feel
the roll of the ocean.

I know what you mean, yes.

Oh, my, you're going
to have a lovely time.

Just imagine looking out
your porthole every day

and seeing nothing
but the ocean.

Just the ocean and
an occasional shoreline

disappearing into the distance.

Oh, yes.

Yes, an occasional shoreline
disappearing into the distance.

The people getting smaller.

Irma waving good-bye
from the dock.

Irma waving good-bye
from the dock!

Oh, no, no!

And we don't reach
port for 28 days.

28 days.

Ooh, I'm gonna get my
vacation sooner than I thought.

Oh, 28 days with you on board?!

I couldn't stand it!

I just couldn't stand it!

Not 28 days!

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,
let's look on the bright side.

- There isn't any bright side!
- Oh, of course there is.

It's a big ship...

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