The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 25 - Lucy Goes Into Politics - full transcript

Lucy and Viv volunteer to ''help'' Mr. Mooney on his campaign to become the city comptroller. Along the way they manage to destroy his huge campaign poster and mess up the scheduled entertainment for his rally, leaving the girls t...

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Mooney For Comptroller
Campaign Headquarters.

- Oh, Sid, here. It's for you.
- Oh, thank you.

Annie, I got to have that
right away, now. Come on.

That's-that's fine.
Very good. Very good.



Now, that's good. Thank you.

Hold it, hold it. Just a moment.

Let's see what you're...

"Vote For Mooney."

Oh, doesn't that do
something to you?

Go out. Spread that
around. Spread it around.

- Oh, Mr. Mooney, Mr. Mooney.
- Yes? What?

I want you to see the
billboard we're going

to be putting up on top
of the Curry Building.

Oh, yeah.

It'll be just like this,
only nine feet high

and 15 feet wide, huh?

Well, that looks
fine, Paul. Fine.

Oh, you have
such a sincere face.



How could anyone
resist voting for you?

I still don't know
what we're doing here.

The way Mr. Mooney
feels about you,

he's not going to
want us to work for him.

Viv, candidates always
need volunteer workers.

He will welcome
us with open arms.

He will probably welcome
us with a closed fist.

Oh, Viv.

Lucy, why do you really
want to work for him?

Well, I've always
wanted to get into politics.

Oh.

Politics is very exciting,
and this is my chance

to get into the thick of things.

Hey, look at these.
Aren't they cute?

Oh, look. "Save
Money With Mooney."

- That's very cute.
- Say, uh, Paul?

Oh, hooray for Mr. Mooney,
our next comptroller.

Thank you, thank you.

What are you doing here?

Now, we want to offer
our services as volunteers.

We want to climb
on your bandwagon.

I didn't think my opponent
would stoop so low!

What do you mean?

How much is Ed Holly paying you

to come over here
and work for me?

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

We think you're the
best man for the office.

We want to help you get elected.

You really want to
help me get elected?

Yes!

Then go and work for Ed Holly.

Oh, now, let's not be hasty.

Don't forget I have
a lot of influence

with several women's groups.

The Women's Volunteer
Fire Department...

That's 24 votes.

The Danfield Women's Club...

That's 32 votes.

And the Gardening Society...

That's at least 50 votes.

24 and 32, that'd be 56.

And 50'd be 106 votes.

Welcome to my bandwagon!

- Nice to have you aboard.
- Ah!

New volunteers for
our campaign, huh?

Yes, yes. These...

Oh, I beg your pardon, ladies.

This is my campaign
manager, Mr. Roney.

- Mrs. Carmichael. Mrs. Bagley.
- How do you do?

Mrs. Carmichael, Mrs. Bagley.

Well, now, let's get
this campaign rolling.

- Where is that smoke-filled room?
- Uh...

Oh, I've been working
on some slogans for you.

Listen to this.

"Tippecanoe and Theodore, too."

Or, uh, "A chicken in every pot

and a Mooney in every garage."

How about that?

Or would you like me to be
where I can mold public opinion

and sway the voters
with my silver tongue?

Vote for Mooney.
Mooney is the man.

- Mrs. Car... Mrs. Car...
- Mooney is the one

- with the ideas -Mrs.
Carmichael! Mrs. Carmichael!

- And the guts to carry them out!
- Mrs. Carmichael!

We may want you to make
some speeches later on.

- Oh.
- But right now, we'd like you

to help us with our rally
for Saturday afternoon.

Oh, good. We'd be glad to
produce the whole show for you.

Won't we, Viv? We've
had a lot of experience

with the PTA and
the Scout groups.

Now, what kind of
entertainment would you like?

- Well, I...
- Uh...

The entertainment
is already arranged.

- Oh.
- Yes, we're going to get

the services of the
Scottish Pipers...

The world-famous
Scottish Pipers...

To point up our theme of thrift.

Oh. Well, what would you
like us to do for the rally?

Well, um...

Well, now, let...

I know!

You can send out
3,000 invitations.

- 3,000 invitations?
- Yes.

You can lick the envelopes
with your silver tongue.

You and your silver tongue.

First we had to lick
3,000 envelopes,

and now we have
to lick 3,000 stamps.

Oh, well. We're almost through.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

I swallowed a stamp.

Uh, I'm going to lunch, Lucy.

Will you answer my
phone till I get back?

Sure will, Sid.

Hey, mail these for us, will ya?

All righty.

Thank you.

You know, Lucille,
you were right.

- What?
- Politics is

exciting.

- Stop!
- Whoever thought

that I would spend
three glorious days

licking envelopes and stamps?

Just stop griping, will ya?

I have to keep moving my
lips, or they'll get stuck together.

Where's-where's Sid?

I want him to
make a call for me.

Oh, well, he went out to lunch.

I'll be glad to make
the call for you, chief.

Oh, I... uh, well...

Well, all right. All
right, but remember,

- this is a very important call.
- Yes, chief.

I want you to get hold of the
Scottish Pipers at this number.

Right. Scottish Pipers.

Okay, chief.

Talk to Major MacFarland.
Tell him we agree to his terms,

and confirm the
appearance of his group

at the rally Saturday afternoon.

Will do, chief.

And please don't
call me "chief."

Okay, chief.

Mr. Mooney.

Gee, he's a nervous
wreck, isn't he?

Better make that call.

Oh, yeah.

Four...

Uh, Mooney Campaign
Headquarters.

You have a problem?

Well, uh, I'm in
charge of the office.

You can tell me.

What do you mean, you
can't put up that billboard?

It was supposed to
be put up this morning.

But we're counting on you!

But...

What's wrong?

That was the man
that was supposed

to put up that billboard.

His wife is voting for
Ed Holly, and she said

if her husband put up that sign,
she'd lock him out of the house.

Oh, that's too bad.

I'll say it is.

That billboard
is very important.

It's right in the
middle of town,

on top of the Curry Building.

Well, there's nothing
we can do about it.

Vivian?

We are going to put up
that billboard ourselves.

Lucille, I am not going to get
up on top of that high building.

Now, I'm afraid I'll fall off.

You can't fall off.

Why not?

Because if you do, I'll have
to put the sign up myself.

Mooney...

Vivian?

What's the matter?

You got the "Y" on upside down.

Oh, dear.

You know it's awful hard

to see what these things are
when you're up so close, Lucy.

I know. Hurry up and change
it. You know, it's getting dark.

We're going to have to get
Mr. Mooney's face on there.

I feel like I've spent
half my life up here, girl.

Listen...

I'll do the pasting up here,
and you hand me the stuff.

That way, it'll go faster.

Okay.

Look out.

Be careful.

Don't touch me.

All right, now.

You know, it looks to me

like our political
career is in an awful rut.

Every time I look around,
we're pasting something.

All righty.

- You ready?
- Yep.

Now, this is the
side of his head.

Okay.

- There!
- Okay?

- Yep!
- All right.

Yep, I'm ready
for the other piece.

Give me the next piece now.

Now, that is the
center of his head.

I don't know how you can tell.

This poor man's had
his skull split right open.

There!

- Are you ready?
- Yep!

Now, that is the
right side of his head.

Okay.

The right side of his head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Right over there.

Here, here.
That's it. That's it.

You'll have to move over, Viv.

You're sitting on my foot.

Need any help?

Yes, but not yours.

Okay.

All right.

- Here we go. Ready?
- Okay.

Here's his left ear.

His left ear?

Huh?

And there's his left eye.

Okay.

And this is his right eye.

Right.

And this is his left ear.

Yep.

It's going much faster now.

What's that?

That is his nose.

Thataway.

Thataway. You turn it around.

That's it.

Looks like it was
put out hot and it ran.

Okay.

Can I help you?

Now, that is the
left side of his face.

The left side of his face.

Okay.

Left side of his face.

There we are.

And... this is the
right side of his face.

There's one left over.

Well, I think it's
part of his mustache.

Good.

It's about to get dark.

- Okay. Are you ready?
- Yep.

Oh, boy, that was a job, huh?

Yeah.

Lucy, one of them's come loose.

What?

One of them's coming loose.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Need any more glue or anything?

I don't know.

That's it.

- There we are.
- Ready?

Yeah, be careful
down those steps.

Gee, Mr. Mooney's going to
be very grateful to us for this.

- Isn't he, though?
- Yeah.

Looks like we're out of politics
before we even got started.

Yeah. It's pretty humiliating
to have your political career

blighted just because
of a mixed-up sign.

I didn't think his
face looked so bad.

I thought it kind of
gave him character.

Well, Mr. Mooney
certainly didn't think so.

- Hmm...
- Boy, he was mad.

I don't think I
ever saw his face

exactly that shade of purple.

He looked like
an angry eggplant.

Well, Lucy, if the
rally is a big success,

he'll forget all
about that billboard

and give us our
jobs back, I'll bet.

Yeah.

- Maybe.
- You know, the crowd's

going to be crazy about
those Scottish Pipers.

Yeah, the Scottish...

The P... the P-P...

- Bagp-p-p...
- What's the matter?

The Scot... P...

What's the matter?

- The Sco... P...
- What?

I forgot... I forgot to...
to confirm the date

for the Scottish Pipers!

- Oh, Lucy, you...!
- I forgot to call them!

- Oh, Lucy!
- I didn't confirm the date!

- Where'd you put the number?
- Where's the number?

- Where'd you put the number?
- I don't know what I did with it.

Did you file it
away? Did you...?

- I don't know what I did with it.
- Here!

Here, here, here, here.
There it is. There it is.

Oh, Lucy!

- He'll kill me.
- Yes.

- He'll kill me.
- Yes, he will, yeah.

Hello. Hello, Major MacFarland,

I'm calling to confirm
the engagement

of the Scottish Pipers at the
Mooney rally tomorrow afternoon.

So, if you'll just come
around 3:00 in the...

Oh, Major. Oh, but...

Well, I know that, sir, but...

but, sir, we were counting on...

Oh, I see.

Good-bye.

I don't think I want to
know what happened.

We didn't call and
confirm the date,

so they took another engagement.

Lucy, tell me the truth...

What is the opposition paying
you to work for Mr. Mooney?

Now, you cut that out, Viv!

Well, honest to goodness,
of all the things to bungle up.

Listen, I'm going over
to see Major MacFarland.

- Why?
- I'm going to get him to change his mind.

I don't know how, but I'm going
to get him to change his mind.

Now, come on.

Don't you worry, chief.

Uh, pardon me. I'm,
uh, Major MacFarland.

Oh, oh, you're Major...

Is there something
I can do for you?

Oh, how do you do,
Major MacFarland?

This is Vivian Bagley.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

And I'm Lucy MacPherson.

How do you do, Miss MacPherson?

I'm sorry to barge in like this,

but I'm from the Mooney
Campaign Headquarters,

and Major MacFarland,
couldn't you rearrange your dates

and play at our rally, like
you were supposed to?

Look, I'm sorry, lassie.

You see, when we
didn't get the confirmation,

I had to make other plans.

Oh, the confirmation.

- Yes.
- Aye.

Well, poor Jocko...
He slipped up on that.

Jocko?

Yes, Jocko Mooney.

I thought his name was Theodore.

Aye, that's his formal name,

but the fine
Scotsman that he is,

all his friends call him Jocko.

Well...

You know, I hate to disappoint
a man by the name of Jocko,

but look, lassie,
I cannae do it.

I've got another obligation.

Oh. Well, I understand, Major.

But, um, Jocko won't be the
only one that's disappointed

if you don't show up.

It's going to be a big blow

to my 93-year-old
grandmother, Jeanie MacFarland.

Your grandmother's a MacFarland?

Aye. Isn't that right, lassie?

Oh, faith and begorrah.

Oh, hoot mon, hoot mon.

Aye, and she's been
looking forward to hearing

the sweet, lilting music of
the bagpipes just once more.

- 93, you know.
- 93?

93 summers.

Well, now, you know, I wonder

could your granny and I
be from the same clan?

Well, now what part of
Scotland are you from?

Oh, I'm from just
outside of Aberdeen.

Aberdeen?!

Aye.

Aberdeen.

So was she.

She is?

You know, I was born in a... in
a wee village called Glencairn.

Glencairn.

So was she.

Oh, I cannae believe it. To
think I should meet someone

whose-whose grandmother
was born in Glencairn.

How about that.

Oh, it's a bonnie village.

I know. From what Granny
tells me, it's the bonniest.

Aye. And did she...
did she tell you

about the mist on the moors?

Aye.

And the sunshine on the heather.

Aye.

And the grouse on the wing.

Aye.

And the Robert on the Burns.

Aye... uh, sunshine
on the heather.

Aye.

You know, it's a
joy to meet someone

who-who knows of Glencairn.

It's an awful hard
place to find, you know.

Oh?

- Aye. You go to Aberdeen...
- Uh-huh.

And then you take
the high road...

And I'll take the low road.

♪ And I'll be in Scotland ♪

- ♪ Afore ye ♪
- ♪ Afore ye ♪

♪ For me and my true love ♪

♪ Will never meet again ♪

♪ On the bonnie, bonnie banks ♪

♪ Of Loch Lomond. ♪

You know, you know, that
was... that was real bonnie.

You-You-You fair
touched my heart.

Then you'll change your
mind and appear at the rally?

No.

I would if I could,
but I cannae.

You would if you
could, but you "cannae."

Aye.

Well, if you "cannae,"
you "cannae."

Aye.

Well, I must get back to work.

But it was a real
pleasure to meet you both.

Thank you.

And give my regards
to Jeanie MacFarland.

Who?

Jeanie MacFarland.

- Oh, Granny.
- Aye.

Oh, aye, I will, I
will, I will, I will...

You won't... you
won't forget, will you?

- No, I won't.
- All right.

Darn it.

I thought I had him
when I mentioned Granny.

I knew you'd lost when
you mentioned Jocko

and didn't lay down and "dee."

What if just two of the
Pipers group showed up?

I wonder if that would save
the day for Jocko Mooney.

- Lucy...
- Shh!

Viv, you got to save all
your wind for the bagpipes.

And now here he is, the man
who is running on a platform

of thrift and economy...

Your next city comptroller,
Theodore Mooney!

Thank you, thank you.

The Scottish Pipers... Why
haven't they shown up yet?

I'll check on them right away.

Yes, if they don't
show up, we're sunk.

Thank you, thank you...

Thank you, fellow
citizens, thank you.

If I may add a jocular note
on this occasion... I hope

my legs won't make any
of you change your minds

about voting for me.

After all, I'm running
for comptroller,

not for Miss America.

Seriously, folks, this happens
to be my family's tartan.

I come from a
long line of people

noted for their good
sense in exercising thrift.

Something I promise
you in government

if I am elected.

And furthermore,
there will be, uh...

Oh, uh...

♪♪

Uh, pardon me. Look, I want...

Uh...

Why are there just
two of you gentlemen?

Uh...

I made arrangements
for the whole group...

Oh.

♪♪

♪♪

MacFARLAND: And just
who might you two lads be?

Oh, uh...

- Us lads is lassies.
- Yeah.

I'm Lucy MacPherson.

I-I didn't think you
were going to make it.

Well, you see,
at the last minute

I did a wee bit of juggling.

Oh, bless your
wee bit of juggling.

Major, Major, your group
was marvelous, marvelous.

Well, thank you.

Why don't we do
a Highland fling?

Good idea.

Allow me.

♪♪

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