The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 24 - Lucy Meets a Millionaire - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

Brought to you by new Lux.

New in shape. New in luxury.

It softens as it cleanses.

New Lux.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Where is that woman?

I distinctly told her I
would be here at 10:00.

Well, Friday's her day
to drive the kids to school,

but I can't imagine
what's keeping her so long.



Is there a problem?

I want to discuss this
countercheck she signed

at Dede's dress shop.

Apparently, she thought
because I was out of town,

I wouldn't find out about it.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,

I'm sure she wouldn't try
to keep anything from you.

Oh, no?

Well, just listen to this.

"Dear Cashier,

Be a love and clear this
before you-know-who gets back."

Isn't that pathetic?

Why don't you
just relax. Sit down.

Oh, how I envy other bankers.



I have Lucille
Carmichael's account.

All they have to worry about is

shortages, inflation
and being held up.

Well, it's about time,
Mrs. Carmichael.

Lucy, where have you been?

I had the most
marvelous flat tire.

I want to discuss this check...

The handsomest,
most charming man

in the world stopped
and fixed it for me.

Oh, well, that was a
lucky little puncture.

He's a bachelor,

he drives the most
beautiful sports car,

and he's so, so... Italian!

Now, what I want to know is

what you thought you were doing

when you made this
ridiculous notation on...

Uh, what's the
matter with your hand?

That's the one he kissed.

It's also the one that signed
this check behind my back.

Lucy, what's his name?

Umberto Fabriani.

Umberto Fabriani.

Now, this notation...

Umberto Fabriani?

The Italian millionaire
who just moved into town?

Millionaire?!

He's a millionaire?

Oh, several times over.

You've heard of him, Mr. Mooney?

Who hasn't heard of the
firm Fabriani and Fabriani?

Oh, good, there's two of them!

Dibs on the other one.

Mrs. Bagley, the other
one is Umberto's father.

He's quite old.

Is he under a hundred?

I have been trying to
meet him for a week

to get their business
for my bank.

Now, would you introduce me?

Well, now, I might casually

bring up your name at dinner,

if there's a lull in
the conversation.

You're having dinner with him?

Well, he doesn't
speak much English,

but I think he asked me
for dinner and the opera.

Oh, oh, when, wh-when?

Well, I'm not quite sure.

Um, he said, "Doma"
or "Dom-Domina"

or "Dominay"

or something like that.

Uh-uh, D-Domenica?

Yeah!

I think that's it!

Oh, "Domenica" means Sunday.

Sunday!

Thank you.

Hey, where did you
learn to speak Italian?

Oh, I picked up a
few words in the Army.

Oh.

Now, now, Mrs. Carmichael...

h-how about it?

Would you arrange
a meeting for me?

Well, I don't know.

Say, "Please."

Please.

Say, "Pretty please."

Pretty please.

Thank you.

How's the Italian lesson coming?

Oh, pretty good.

Listen to this.

Uh...

Buona sera.

Uh, uh...

Signor Fabriani.

That means "good evening."

Hey, that's pretty good.

Yeah.

Uh... no capisco.

That means "I don't understand."

Well, that's going
to come in handy.

Go on.

Well, that's all
I learned so far.

Well, at the rate you're going,

you're not going to be able to
speak Italian by Sunday night.

Well, I'm trying, Viv.

I'm studying very hard.

And I'm tired.

You know, I don't blame the kids

for not wanting to
do their homework.

Who's that?

You-you get it, will you?

Yeah.

Buona sera.

I'm Umberto Fabriani.

Oh!

Uh, eh, uh, you-you
have the wrong night.

The wrong, the wrong night.

Night.

Grazie. I wait
Signora Carmichael.

Oh, no, no! Oh!

No, you can't wait.

Uh, you're supposed
to be here Sunday.

Non capisco inglese.

Uh, Sunday.

Uh, uh, Sunday.

Uh, Domenica, Domenica.

Domenic... no. No Domenica.

I say, "domani."

Domani?

Domani. Uh, domani.
Como il dici domani.

Uh... oh!

Tomorrow. Huh?

Now, look, yesterday you
asked Signora Carmichael

to go and have dinner with
you and see the opera tomorrow,

and that is today!

So you certainly...

Oh, today.

Oh! Uh, toda... oh.

Well, um... she's upstairs,

changing her clothes.

You go out and
take a little walk

and come back in
about ten minutes, huh?

Oh, grazie.

Grazie.

I wait.

Oh, no!

You can't wait here.

Oh, you know, capisco.

No capisco?

No capisco, no.

Huh? No?

I don't capisco either.

Well...

I am Signora Vivian Bagley.

Oh, mi scusi.

Multo felicissimo, signora.

Oh!

Uh, Ucy-lay?

I'll take him to the itchen-kay

while you am-scray
up the airs-stay

and get essed-dray.

Come, come?

Oh, you're Italian.

I was speaking Spanish.

The kitchen. The kitchen.

Come on.

Go out to the kitchen with me.

The kitchen, the kitchen.

I'll fix you an espresso
while you wait.

Oh, espresso!

Uh-huh, espresso.

No, grazie.

No espresso.

Car!

Uh, a car.

Uh, uh, uh, she said that
you have a beautiful car.

Would you take it outside...
Uh, take me outside...

No capisco.

Car, no capisco car.

Uh...

Uh, beep, beep!

L'automobile.

L'automobile?

Oh, take me outside,

show me your l'automobile.

Lucy says you have a
marvelous l'automobile.

I've always wanted
to see an Italian...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ho preso un taxi.

I...

You took a taxi.

Sì, ho preso un taxi, sì.

Well...

I was fanning my feet.

Sometimes my toes get awful hot.

Oh, um, eh, um,
which way is Italy?

Is Italy over that way?

You know, if I went
out the front door,

I wouldn't know which
way to start to Italy.

- Non capisco.
- Non capisco Italy?

Well, I'd just love to go...

Uh, what is the Italian
word for "ghost"?

Ghost.

Ghost.

Grazie, Tony.

Prego.

Italiano, the whole thing.

Sì.

Uh, you like, um,
fettuccine Antonio,

costolette di agnello,

o maiale arrosto
con patate, huh?

Well, it's-it's hard to choose.

They all sound so yummy.

Uh, you order for me.

You-you for me.

You-you, you order for me.

Ah. Comprendere. Comprendere.

Tony.

Ah, sì, sì, Signor Fabriani.

Tony, facciamo presto
perche siva all'opera.

Sì, sì.

Due polpo fritti,

tortellini di Bolognese,

e maiale arrosto, huh?

I'm taking off my gloves.

Yes. Both of them.

Buona sera.

Buona sera.

You have a very
nice name, Umberto.

Umberto.

Umberto.

Umberto Fabriani.

Umberto Fabriani.

I did it.

Umberto Fabr...

Ooh.

That tickles my tongue.

Oh, you can call me Lucy.

Me, Lucy.

Ah, in Italiano: Lucia.

Bellissimo.

Ah, Lucia.

Sì.

Due polpo fritti.

Grazie.

Thank you.

Oh.

There.

Il e soddisfatto?

Buonimisso.

Mmm.

My, mmm.

This is so delicious!

It has a marvelous flavor.

That's very interesting.

Most Americans
don't like fried octopus.

Mrs. Carmichael, good evening.

So nice to see you.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, Signor Umberrrto Fabriani.

Signor Theodorrre Mooney.

Uh, buona sera.

Piacere della sua conosceyla.

Molto conoscerla, Signor Mooney.

- Prego, prego.
- Grazie.

- Mr. Mooney?
- Hmm?

Umberto and I are having
a little language problem.

Would you like to join
us and act as interpreter?

If you promise not to
talk about business.

- I promise, I promise.
- Okay.

Well, well, here...

Oh.

Well, well.

Oh, uh... il faro da interprete.

Ah, benissimo.

He thinks you're one of the most
fascinating women he's ever met.

Really?

Well, you tell him I think
he's the most charming man

I ever met.

Uh-huh.

- Grazie.
- Grazie.

What did he say?

He says you have eyes as
blue as the Mediterranean.

Oh...

Oh, they aren't that blue!

Oh!

Come?

L-lei dice, che non
sono tanti azzurri.

Um...

Oh, uh, Mr. Mooney,

tell him that I am
studying Italian

so we can have some
nice, long talks together

and get to know
each other better.

Oh.

Oh.

Danfield Bank.

Oh, grazie.

I didn't say anything
about Danfield Bank.

You promised not
to talk business!

You're a bilingual sneak!

Uh, uh...

Oh, grazie.

Signora Carmichael...

What? What? What
are you talking about?

Oh. Well, I asked
him if the two of you

would care to join
Irma and myself

at the country club tonight.

It's our annual St.
Patrick's Day dance.

And he said it would
be entirely up to you.

Well, uh, you know...

it might be fun to go to
the St. Patrick's Day dance.

Oh, good. Good, good.

Ah, benissimo.

You know, I can hardly wait

to see the looks on
the women's faces

when I walk in
that dance with him.

Don't tell him that!

For Heaven's sake.

Oh.

Scusi, scusi.

Mmm, buonissimo!

Oh, oh, may I?

Oh, bellis...

Oh, thanks a lot!

You certainly
fixed things up fine!

Well, I didn't mean to!

Oh, mi dispiace!

Oscar's Cleaners.

What'd he say? What'd he say?

Well, he says he can't
go to the dance now.

His other tuxedo is
at Oscar's Cleaners.

Oh, well, why don't we go to
the cleaners and get his suit?

He can wait here, and
we'll be back in a jiffy.

They won't be open this late!

Well, now, Oscar stays
open late lots of nights.

- Oh!
- Tell him what I said.

- Signor Fabriani...
- I will tell him what you're gonna do.

- Oh, good, good, good! Come on!
- Yes.

- Come along, hurry!
- Okay. Okay.

Wait.

Arrivederci.

It's closed.

It can't be closed!

Well, it is.

Oscar's stays open
late plenty of times.

Well, he does.

Well, thanks to you, the bank
can probably wave bye-bye

to a million dollars'
worth of business!

Well, let's not panic,

- Mr. Mooney.
- Don't tell me when to panic!

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I know what we can do...
We can call Oscar at home.

I've known him for years,
and I'm sure he'll be glad

to come down here
and open it up for us.

All right, all right. What's
his home phone number?

Well, I don't know,

but it must be in the
book... There's a phone.

Oh. All right, all right.

- Now, what's his name?
- Oscar.

Oscar.

Oscar what?

Uh...

Oscar, uh, uh...

Oscar the Cleaner.

"Cleaner" can hardly
be his last name.

Now, you've known
him for years...

You must remember his name.

Now, think, think, think, think.

Uh, uh, Oscar, uh...

- Oscar...
- Think! Think!

I am!

Oscar, uh...

All right, all right,
all right, now, now,

take-take-take it easy.

We'll work this out.

Now, take it easy.

- Now, just concentrate.
- All right.

- Now, concentrate.
- Yes.

All right. Now, you have some
dresses that need cleaning,

and you go into the shop.

I go into his shop.

Yeah. You say, "Hi, Oscar."

Hi, Oscar.

You put the cleaning
on the counter.

I put the cleaning
on the counter.

And then you say,
"How's Mrs...?"

How's Mrs...

He's not married.

All right, all right, all right.

We'll-we'll try
again, we'll try again.

Now, uh, he gives you the
laundry you left last week.

I didn't leave any
laundry last week.

- Pretend!
- All right!

All right, I left some
laundry last week.

All right, all right,
yes, all right, now,

- you write him a check.
- I write him a check.

- Payable to...
- Payable to...

- Oscar...
- Oscar...

I always pay cash.

You're not thinking!

I am, too, thinking!

Well?! Well?

I never did know his last name!

To me, he's always
been Oscar the cleaner!

- Aah.
- Ooh!

I can't help not
knowing his last name.

Oh!

- Hey. Hey.
- Uh... What, what?

Hey, I know how we
can find out his last name.

The florist ought to know;
why don't you call him?

Good!

- What's his name?
- Merle.

Merle. Merle.

- Merle what?
- Merle the florist.

Why do I ever listen to you?

All right, all right,
I'll handle this.

There's one person in this town
who knows everybody's name.

All we have to do is
call George the mailman.

Now...

George the... "M."

See?

What are you doing?

Well, I thought maybe I could
find his name on something.

Good thinking.

- Hey.
- Huh?

There's a bowling
trophy on the shelf.

That's got to have
his name on it.

Well, well, well? Yeah, well?

Aw, the printing is too small.

I can't read it.

Oh, for heaven's
sake, for heaven's sake.

See it back there?

Yeah.

Can you read it?

I could if this was
a bifocal window.

I'll call Viv at home.

Oh, n-no. Look, if we
can't read it from here,

she certainly can't
read it from your house.

I meant that I'll have
her bring our binoculars.

Give me a dime.

Oh, binoculars, yes.

Yeah.

Oh, there you are.
There's a dime.

I got it.

I got it, Mr. Mooney.

Oscar's last name is Stigers!

Look it up in the book.

Hey, uh, are you
sure that's his name?

- Look for yourself.
- All right.

Ah!

- Just a minute.
- Oh, all right.

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael,
you've done it again.

His name isn't Oscar Stigers.

That's the name
of his bowling team.

Oscar's Tigers!

Oh.

Well, call Chicago.

- Chicago?
- Yes, yes,

the National Bowling
Company... That's their trophy

and they'll know the names

of all the bowlers
that were on the team.

In Chicago?

Yes. Go call them.

I... I don't have enough
change to call Chicago!

Well, go to the
bank and get some.

- Yeah.
- And hurry!

All right, I'll hurry.

Oh, I sure want to get to
that St. Patrick's Day dance.

I know.

- Hey.
- Huh?

Viv,

look.

Oscar left his skylight open.

So?

Have we still got that
towrope in the back of the car?

We have, and not on your life.

Okay, then, you lower me.

I'm not gonna be on
either end of that rope.

Oh, Viv! Now, we could do that.

Psst!

It's so important for
me to get his suit out.

Oh, look who's here.

- Buona sera.
- Buona sera.

Uh...

Tony DiBello.

Oh, he must have
borrowed Tony DiBello's suit.

Well, don't you worry,

we're going to get your suit.

Uh, uh,

buona sera.

Oh, knock it off, Viv.

Come with me, now.

Come on.

All I could find were nickels.

As I was running out of
the bank, the sack broke.

Oh. Well, we don't
need them now.

You don't need them?!

No, no. Lucy's up on the roof.

- On the roof?
- With Umberto.

- Umberto?
- Yes. He's gonna lower her

through the skylight
on a long rope.

Skylight?!

Signora Carmichael...

e cascate en una vasca
piene di tentura verde.

What'd he say? What'd he say?

He said, "Mrs. Carmichael

fell into a vat of green dye."

Green dye?!

Oh, the poor little thing!

Oh, yeah, poor little...

We have to get her out of there!

We have to get her out of there!

Yes. Yes.

- Oh, oh...
- Ah.

Oh!

Oh, don't pick them up now!

Lucy?

Lucia?

Mrs. Carmichael?

Oh, oh, you poor
little green thing.

- Help her out! Out! Get her out!
- Oh! Ah, yes!

Get her... get her out of there.

- Push.
- Help her out!

Oh, my! Oh!

Easy, now.

- Easy, easy.
- Easy. Easy with her.

Oh, yes, yes.

- Down. Put her down.
- Oh, yeah.

Now, honey.

Now, honey, don't cry.

Don't cry, honey... At
least you're the right color

for the St. Patrick's Day dance.

Well, Chrissy,

you've really flipped.

Shh, I'm supposed to have quiet.

Oh, well, may I break
the spell long enough

to ask just what you're doing?

I'm upside down to bring
a beauty blush to my face,

which I then massage
with Lux Beauty Lather.

Well, Chrissy, darling,

just using Lux makes
your skin soft and pretty.

I get great results
with Lux right side up.

Hey, your skin
does look terrific.

Save some Lux for me.

The Lucy Show was
brought to you by...

new Lux.

New in shape.

New in luxury.

It softens as it cleanses.

New Lux.

Help other users to choose the best subtitles