The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 20 - Lucy and Viv Open a Restaurant - full transcript

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

Well, here we are.

This is the place
you want us to buy?

Yeah. What do you think of it?

Oh, we must have
the wrong address.

No, no, this is it--
Four Corners Cafe.

But the ad says, "For sale--
beautiful restaurant.

"Great location,
real moneymaker,

A1 condition".

Well, now, let's not get hasty.



This place has lots
of possibilities.

All it needs is someone
with imagination.

Then they should sell it
to the man who wrote this ad.

Now, Viv, I just have a hunch

that this is
the business opportunity

you and I have been waiting for.

Lucy, we can't go into
the restaurant business.

You have to know
all about cooking.

You have to know all about
what the public likes to eat.

Well, then, it's perfect for us.

Nobody cooks like I do,
and nobody eats like you do.

Thanks.

Oh, Viv, I just mean
that we know all about food.

There's nothing I can't cook,



and there's nothing
you won't eat.

You're not making it any better!

Oh, don't be so touchy,

just when we're
gonna be partners.

Now, just a minute, Lucille.

Just a minute.

I haven't agreed
to be your partner yet.

Oh, Viv.

The Four Corners Cafe.

I expected it to be
at a big, busy intersection,

and here it is way out
in the middle of nowhere.

Viv!

I'm just amazed
that you don't realize

what a... what a wonderful
opportunity this is for us,

and all we have to do
is put $1,000 down.

The drain.

Oh, honestly.

Lucy, you know, you seem

to be overlooking
one rather large detail.

What's that?

Where in the world are you and I
going to get $1,000?

Mr. Mooney is meeting us here,
and if he likes the place,

he is going to see to it that
I get a bank loan for my $500,

and you can take your $500
out of your nest egg.

Oh, no, you don't.

I'm not gonna let you get
your sticky little fingers

on my nest egg.

-(sighs): Oh.
-That's my security.

Viv, I think you're
being very shortsighted.

Now, let's just wait till
Mr. Mooney gets here,

and you just see
how enthusiastic

he's going to be
about this place.

Okay.

-Hello.
-Hello, ladies.

VIVIAN:
Hello, Mr. Mooney.

Good-bye, ladies.

Mr. Mooney!

Yes. Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The least you could do
is have the courtesy

to tell us
what's wrong with it.

If I told you
what's wrong with it,

I wouldn't be courteous.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

You are a banker,
and you don't seem

to understand one of the basic
fundamentals of business.

And just what is that?

You have to spend money
to make money.

Then you should be the
richest woman in the world.

Now, ladies,
if you will excuse me,

I have to get back to the bank--

If my bloodhound
hasn't lost the scent.

Well, looks like we're not gonna
be in the restaurant business.

Oh, I sure hate to let
this opportunity of a lifetime

slip through our fingers.

I'm afraid we'll have to, unless
one of us has a rich uncle

who's gonna leave us money
in his will.

Wait a minute.

I know an uncle
I can get the money from.

Who?

Uncle Sam.

Sam? I never heard you
mention him.

Is he on your mother's side?

No. I mean, the government.

We were in the Waves.

We're entitled to a G.I. loan.

We are?!

Sure. Everybody that served
their country's entitled

to a G. I. loan
if they want one.

Is typing eight hours a day

in the Navy
Purchasing Department

considered serving your country?

Certainly it is.

If we hadn't typed
those requisitions

to order those nuts and bolts
to build those ships

to take those troops overseas,

we never would
have won that war.

You know, the way
you make it sound,

I'm surprised
they didn't make us admirals.

Anyway, I know we're entitled.

And all we have to do is write
to the Veterans Administration,

apply for the loan,
wait a couple weeks,

and we'll have our $1,000.

-I didn't know that.
-Sure.

That sounds pretty simple.

-Well, what do you say?
Shall we do it? -Why not?

Okay, come on. I'll write
the letter right away.

Good.

Oh, wait.

Oh, I just had
a horrible thought.

What?

What if somebody buys this place

before we get our money
from the government?

Oh, they wouldn't do that
to a couple of veterans.

Now, they might.

We better buy this place
right now.

We'll take $1,000
from your nest egg,

and we'll put it back
after we get the G.I. loan.

-That's great, yeah.
-Okay.

We'll take the $1,000
from my nest egg,

and then we'll put it...

Oh, no, you don't.

But your money
is perfectly safe.

Or are you trying to tell me

that you don't trust
the United States Government?

Oh, no, it isn't that.

Well, I should hope not.

Now, let's get over
to that real estate office

and settle this deal.

Yeah.

Well, Lucy, here we are
in the restaurant business.

We haven't had
one single customer.

Well, now, honey,
we have to be patient.

After all,
we've only been open five days.

Oh, I should have known better.

Well, first few days,

folks probably thought
we were jammed,

so everybody stayed away
'cause they hate crowds.

Well, let's get in touch
with those folks,

because if they hate crowds,
they're gonna love it here.

You know, Viv,
we were very lucky

to find a couple
like Herbert and Olga.

As soon as people taste
Olga's wonderful cooking,

we'll build a reputation
by word of mouth.

Well, now, first,
we got to get a mouth in here

to get a word out of.

Well, now,
we have a lot of friends.

A lot of friends.

Where are they?

Well, we-we have
two good friends

that sent us those
two horseshoes of flowers.

Lucy?

What?

We have one good friend.

I sent that one.

We don't have any good friends.

I sent the other one.

Oh, dear.

(car approaching)

-Wait a minute.
Here comes somebody. -Yes?

Herbert! Olga!
-Yes.

-There's a customer coming!
-Oh, someone's coming.

Places, everybody! Places!

-Places. Come here.
-Somebody's coming.

-Get behind the cash register!
-The cash register.

Where are the menus?
What did I do with the menus?

-VIVIAN: The menus.
-Oh, here they are.

He's getting out of the car.

(car door closes)

Oh, pooh!

What's the matter?

He looked at his back tire
and drove off.

At ease, everybody.

That's the closest I've been
to a tip in five days.

Well, I got a tip for you.

If anybody ever does
come in here, push the lobster.

In one more day,
he has to go bye-bye.

Well, I guess we'd better take
some lobster home for dinner.

You know, we've been
eating very well.

Last night, beef Stroganoff.

And the night before that,
duckling with orange sauce.

I know. Jerry claims
he's the only kid

in the neighborhood
with the gout.

-(horn honking)
- think I hear another car!

You don't? Yes?

Herbert! Olga!
-Yes'?

-Get in your places!
-Places.

Yes. Places, everybody!

Oh, back in the...
cash register.

Oh, the cash register,
the cash register.

Oh, ther-there!

- I got the menus. Uh...
-(car door closes)

I'd almost forgotten what
a customer looks like.

Shh!

How do you do, sir?

Welcome
to the Four Corners Cafe.

All of our tables are reserved,

but I'm sure
we could squeeze you in.

Yes. Number 12 is free.

And what would you like, sir?

I'd like to give you
a special delivery letter.

Well, he wasn't a big spender,
but he was neat.

Look at that napkin.

Not a wrinkle.

Oh, dear.

(car driving away)

Oh, cheer up, Viv.

This'll cheer you up.

This is from
the Veterans Administration.

Good!

"Dear Mrs. Carmichael
and Mrs. Bagley,

"regarding your application

"fora G.I. loan
to go into business,

we regret that we..."

We regret what?

What do they regret, Lucy?

Well, they regret that
they hadn't written us sooner,

and, uh, so on and so forth.

"Yours very tru-truly,
John Foley Jr".

What's that so on
and so forth business?

Oh, you know.
Usual government red tape.

Lucy, do we get the loan,
or don't we?

Well, uh...

"Expiration of benefits is

"ten years
after date of discharge,

"plus one additional
year extension

for every three months
in wartime service".

What does that mean?

Well...

it means our eligibility
for a loan ran out last week.

Viv? Viv?

Oh, Viv?

Viv, say something.

You make me sick.

Let's not get nasty
over a slight error.

A slight error?

Thanks to you,
I've spent $1,000,

and what have I got
to show for it?

A lobster
who's on his last claws.

You got a lot more
for your money than that.

What about the beef Stroganoff

and the-the duckling
with the orange sauce?

Look, Lucy, if I want
to spend $1,000 for a meal,

I'll rent a couple of togas
and fly in Cary Grant

for a Roman banquet.

Well, you don't have
to get huffy.

(sniffling)

(sighs)

Wait a minute.

Do you know where
we made our big mistake?

Yes.

Deciding to live together
six years ago.

No. I mean, we should have
changed the name of this place.

We should have given it
a whole new look.

People probably think

it's the same old
Four Corners Cafe.

How about making it
a Spanish restaurant?

Great. We'll call it
El Fiasco.

Oh... all right.

Now, look, Viv, your only chance
to get your money back

is to make this place a success.

Now, come on, help me think.
What's it gonna be?

Think!

What are we gonna call it?

Well, Lucy, that was another
brilliant idea of yours.

Turning this place
into a gypsy tearoom.

Well, you got to admit,
it looks cute.

Cute it is,
but it's been two days,

and we have still
to have our first customer.

You'd think at least
a Gypsy would drop in,

if only to steal.

-(car pulling up)
-I hear a car.

(scoffing):
Huh.

-Somebody's coming!
-They are?

Herbert! Olga!

-Places everybody!
-Yeah?

Places. Listen, remember,
now, seat the customer.

-Okay. -And let us know,
we'll make our entrance.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, Herbie,
push the Hungarian goulash.

-(car doors closing)
-The Hungarian goulash.

Welcome to the Gypsy Tearoom.

We'd like to see the owners.

They'll be with you in a minute.

Would you like to sit down?

Well, okay.

Tell me, how's business?

Great.

All the gypsy truck drivers
eat here.

Mmm.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

(violin and tambourine playing
upbeat tune)

Hey!

(laughs)

Hal

-Hey! -hey!
-Hey!

Well, would you care
to have your palm read?

-No, we just...
-It comes with the dinner.

Ha... this is very interesting.

According to this line,
I see that you are

about to come
into a very large sum of money.

Good, because we came here
to collect

for the money you owe us
for the linen supplies.

Oh, well, uh, u-um,
according to this other ling,

I see that you are very patient

and you are willing
to wait until we get it.

Lady, you are
a very bad fortune-teller.

Okay, Charlie, let's go.

Pardon me, lady.

Well, what now,
my little gypsy sweetheart?

How could he do that?

It was simple;
we didn't pay his bill.

I mean, how could he do that
without breaking the dishes?

Oh, Lucy, for heaven's sake.

Well, we might as well
board up the place

and go into bankruptcy.

Now, listen, Viv,
staying in business

is our only chance
to get your money back.

I'm only thinking of you.

Oh, thanks a heap.

I guess I just overestimated
the gypsy craze.

I'll say you did.

You're lucky
I'm not a real Gypsy,

or I'd put a curse on you.

Well, we'll just have
to think of some other decor.

Oh, fa-fa-fa-fa...

Hey, I know.

People in this part
of the country

just love anything
that's Early American.

We'll make this into the...
the Colonial Inn.

Hey, Viv, we'll put
muskets up here,

pewter mugs and powder horns

and things all over the wall,

and we'll dress
in costumes of the period.

We'll dress as George
and Martha Washington.

The way my luck is running,

I've got a pretty good idea
who gets to be George.

No, Viv, dear,

because you've had
a few little setbacks,

you get to be Martha.

You're all heart.

Well, what do you say now,
George?

We did the whole place over,

we don't have any more customers
than we had before.

Well, let's put it this way:
we don't have any less.

You know something?

The first time
you reached for my nest egg,

I should have pecked you
to death.

Is that any way to talk
to the father of your country?

Oh, brother.

We'd like to talk to you,
General Washington.

What about?

So far, we haven't seen
one cent of our salary.

We'd like our mustering-out pay.

Now, if you'll just give me
a little more time...

Now, look, do you have
the money or don't you?

And we want the truth.

Well, in this getup,
I could hardly tell a lie.

Okay, we quit.

Oh, can't you just
stay a little longer?

We're bound to get
a customer soon.

Well, if you do,
push the Yankee pot roast.

And, Martha, take my advice
and close up this joint

and open up a candy store.

You know, I didn't think
things could get any worse,

but I was wrong.

Not only do we have
no customers,

now we have no waiter
and no cook.

I don't think they're allowed
to leave like that.

That constitutes desertion.

Oh, give up, General.

We're finished.

-(car approaching)
-Oh, no, we're not.

-There's a car pulling up,
-(car doors closing)

And a lot of people
are getting out.

Probably some more
bill collectors.

Bill collectors don't
bring their dates.

Dates?

Viv, Viv,
there's a man out there

who writes the society column
for the Dan field Tribune.

-Yes? -If we can impress him,
we got it made.

-Oh, boy.
-Places, everybody!

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

We can't do that,
we can't impress him.

We don't have a cook
or a waiter.

Well, you get out there
and cook.

Al right.

Oh, I don't know how
to be a restaurant cook.

Oh, all right, I'll cook
and you wait on tables.

I don't know how to be a waiter.

Well, what do you know
how to do?!

I know how to throw away
a thousand dollars.

Oh, Viv, get out there.

Now, this is important.
Now, go on, cook.

Welcome to the Colonial Inn.

Uh, party of, uh...?

-Six.
-Six.

-Do you have a reservation, sir?
-(scoffing): No.

Well, we can always
accommodate you, Mr. Dutton.

This way, please.

There we are.

Pardon me.

There we are.

(sighs)
I'm curious, sir.

How did you find
our little place?

I didn't. We were driving
over to Ridge bury,

and the bridge was out.

Oh, well, I guess
that's as good a way as any.

VIVIAN:
Uh, Lucy?

Yes?

Uh, pardon me.

What's the matter?

I'm just taking their orders.

Herbert says
he's gonna take the food

in place of their salaries.

-They can't do that.
-That's what I told them.

Well, go back
and tell 'em again.

Uh, have you decided
what you want to order?

Uh, what do you recommend?

Well, uh... Yankee pot roast.

No. I had pot roast for lunch.

Oh.

Uh, well, everything is good.

Uh, a lot of people in town
just love our roast turkey.

Sounds good to me.

One roast turkey.

-We'll have the turkey, too.
-Two.

-That sounds good to me.
-Three.

Why don't you just bring us
six turkey dinners?

Six roast turkeys.

Now you have choice of soup,
salad and dessert.

Uh... I just remembered
we had quite a run on turkey.

Uh, how about
some delicious baked ham?

Oh, all right,
we're in a hurry.

I guess ham will be fine.

Why don't you make it
six ham dinners?

Six ham dinners.

You still have a choice of soup,
salad and dessert.

By George, we just had
a run on ham, too.

Oh, no, well, let's see now.

How's your roast beef?

Oh, it's delicious.

Uh, but we're out of it.

What do you have?

Uh, Yankee pot roast.

Oh, all right, uh,
Yankee pot roast for all of us.

Six Yankee pot roasts
and six nice salads.

Yes, sir.

Viv, dear, six Yankee pot roasts
and six nice salads.

Oh, waitress,

while we're waiting,
we'd like some wine.

Some wine, sir.

Oh, of course, and because
you've been so patient,

-it's on the house.
-Well, thank you.

Pardon me.

(clattering)

Vivian.

Viv, you got something
on the stove that's burning?

There's nothing out here.

-Well, something...
-Fire, fire!

-Fire, fire!
-(clamoring)

Where, Viv, where?!

Hurry up! Let's get out of here!

Where do you see it, Viv?!

Where?!

(car engine starts)

Why did you do that?

I thought
I was doing you a favor.

(crying): You just lost us the
only customers we've ever had

or ever will have, probably!

(crying):
What are you crying about?

It was my thousand dollars.

(both wailing)

This must be the way it looked

the day George left home
to cross the Delaware.

Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.

I bring good news.

Well, brother, we could
sure use some. -Yeah.

First, Mrs. Bagley,
here is Mrs. Carmichael's check

for her half of the investment.

-Oh, thank you.
-Oh, Mr. Mooney,

you don't know
what you're doing.

Oh, yes, he does.

Oh, no, he doesn't.

Oh, yes, he does.

Now, Mrs. Bagley,

Mrs. Carmichael owns
half this place, right?

-Right. -Then I can
tell you my good news.

You know the new road
they're putting through

-to New Rochelle?
-Yes.

Well, they are going
to bypass Brewster

and tunnel right through
Stone Mountain.

So?

So, when the tunnel
is completed,

there will be
a six-lane highway

filled with hungry motorists

going right past
your front door.

-Really?
-Yes.

Oh, that ls good news.

Oh, when are they going
to start tunneling?

Well, they tell me
they will start blasting

through the mountain any day.

Wow, Viv, what do you think
of our little investment now?

I'll never doubt your
business judgment again, girl.

-Oh...
-Now,

maybe you ladies would like to
consider a very generous offer.

I will give you $500 apiece

for a third interest
in this place.

Nothing doing.

(loud explosion)

What was that?

They're starting to blast!

We're going to be rich
sooner than we thought!

-Hooray, hooray!
-Aah!

-♪ Dadadumdada.. ♪
-Ladies, ladies, ladies,

ladies, you'd better accept
my generous offer.

-No, thank you, Mr. Mooney.
-(loud explosion)

Sorry.

(clattering)

Oh, Mr. Mooney, now,
about that generous offer...

-(loud explosion)
-(clattering)

Uh, yeah, Mr. Mooney,
we don't want to be greedy...

(loud explosions and clattering)

(explosions and clattering
continue)

(firing)

(explosions booming)

(explosions continue)