The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 18 - Lucy Teaches Ethel Merman to Sing - full transcript

Legendary singer Ethel Merman has moved to Danfield under the name of Agnes Schmidlapp, a suggestion from Mr. Mooney to keep down the cost of purchasing a home. Lucy makes a promise to Jerry that she can bring Ethel Merman to sing at his Cub Scout charity show. When it looks like she will end up with egg on her face again, Lucy decides Ms. Schmidlapp looks enough like Ms. Merman to pass physically, if she can only teach her how to sing like the Broadway legend.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Is that anything to be
doing in broad daylight?

Well, I thought maybe
we could twist this year,

instead of repeating
that stale soft shoe.

What are you talking about?



The Scouts are having
their annual fund-raising show

this Saturday night.

Oh, my, how time flies.

It seems like only yesterday
that we laid that great big egg.

Yeah, that's why I thought maybe

we should do something
different this year.

Oh, listen, Lucy, just for once,

why can't we do what
the other parents do?

Sit in the audience
wincing and groaning.

Let's face it, we're
a couple of hams.

I guess you're right.

- Mom.
- Hi, kids.

- Hi, there.
- Hi.

We've been working
out the program,



and we got most of
the talent lined up.

Oh, well, now, how does
it feel to be big producers?

It's fun!

Yeah, there is no business
like show business.

Well, now, have you got
a lot of talent lined up?

Yeah. I'll be doing
my dance number,

and Jerry here's gonna
be master of ceremonies.

Master of ceremonies?!

Well, that's quite a promotion!

Now, the only thing
we haven't got yet

is an act to headline.

A really big drawing card.

That's where we need your help.

Yeah, well, you'll be
very happy to know

that we have something
new for you this year.

Aunt Lucy?

♪ ...da-da. ♪

Mm-mnh.

Well, okay, I guess I'd better
stick with the old soft shoe.

Lucy, maybe we
could do a Charleston.

Oh, then we could
dress like flappers!

Oh, sure! ♪ A-bum-bum. ♪

Yeah!

How about that?

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Producers are very
hard to please these days.

You said you needed our help.

We meant we wanted
Aunt Lucy to help us

by getting Ethel
Merman for the show.

What made you decide
on Ethel Merman?

We figured since Aunt Lucy
is such a good friend of hers,

she'd be easier to get
than Captain Kangaroo.

Ethel Merman is a
good friend of yours?

Sure. Don't you remember
this Annie Get Your Gun album?

"To my friend, Lucy.

"With kind appreciation,
Ethel Merman."

Oh, well, uh, it-it might be

kind of hard for me to get
Ethel on such short notice.

You know how
busy celebrities are.

But Mom, you told me you
were her very best friend,

and there's nothing in the world

she wouldn't do for you.

I said that?

Sounds like you.

How about it, Aunt Lucy?

Well, are you sure

you wouldn't rather
have me and your mom?

Uh, the audience would
get more for its money.

There's two of us;
there's only one of her.

Please, Mom, this
is our first big show,

and we can't take a
chance on unknowns.

- Unknowns?
- Unknowns?

Will you get her for
us, please, Mom?

Well, I'll... I'll, I'll
see what I can do,

but please, don't
expect a miracle.

I hope your
feelings aren't hurt,

but we're gonna need you two

for something a lot more
important than acting.

Oh, really?

You want us to stage and
produce the whole show?

No, to sell tickets.

Oh.

Come on, let's get
over to the auditorium.

Yeah, that's right.

- Oh, boy.
- Well, Lucy,

what do you hear from
your old pal, the Merm?

Well, now, I did meet her.

Oh, sure.

Where?

In Rudy's record store

while she was
autographing these albums.

When?

17 years ago.

And she singled
you out of the crowd

for her undying friendship.

Well, not exactly, but I was
only eight people away from her

and when I passed
my money up to her,

and she passed my
album back to me,

she gave me a very sweet smile.

Oh, well, if you gave me $5.95,

I'd give you the sweetest
smile you ever saw.

Well, I-I'd better give
her a call right now.

Call her?!

She won't remember you!

Why not? I remember her.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Well, what am I gonna do?

I don't want the boys
to know I was fibbing.

I promised to help them out.

The best way you can help
them out is to sell tickets.

- Oh...
- Come on, now.

Let's get dressed and go
down and see Mr. Mooney,

and ask him if he'll let
a couple of unknowns

sell tickets in his bank.

Oh, all right.

Ethel Merman is
your best friend!

Well, now, I didn't say that!

So, you see, Miss Merman,
we're a very stable institution.

We have assets
of over $10 million.

Oh, then it's true what
they say about banks:

There's no business
like dough business!

Oh, dough business!

Oh, that's a good one.

Oh, wait till I spring that
at the next company picnic!

"There's no business
like dough business!"

You don't have
to laugh that hard.

I've already agreed
to be a customer.

Oh, yes, so you have.

Well, if you step this
way, Miss Merman.

I'd, uh, like to
get your address

here in Danfield, please.

Well, I'm, I'm staying at
the, at the Elm Tree Inn.

But that's only until I
can find a house to rent.

Oh, well, maybe I
can help you there, too.

Well, thank you.

Yes, but let me give
you a word of advice.

Don't let a broker tell anyone

that he's looking for a
home for Ethel Merman.

Use an assumed name.

If a homeowner knows that
he is renting to a big celebrity,

he will take you
to the cleaners.

So, you see, Miss Merman,
I think it would be wise...

Mrs. Schmidlapp.

Agnes Schmidlapp.

Oh, that's a lovely
assumed name.

Thank you.

Well, now that
we've cleared the...

Oh, you'd better give me

the address of your former
bank, Mrs. Schmidlapp.

Oh, you don't have to
call me Mrs. Schmidlapp.

Oh, yes, I do.

Don't look now, but here
comes the village blabbermouth.

Pardon me, Mr. Mooney,

uh, when you finish, could...

- Viv, Viv!
- What, what?!

Look, Ethel Merman!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my... Oh, my goodness! Oh!

Ethel Merman, what
are you doing in Danfield?

You won't believe this, we
were just talking about you!

Just this morning,
we were talking,

and here she is
right at the bank.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Ladies, ladies, ladies,

I hate to disappoint you,

but this is not Ethel Merman.

What?

Not Ethel Merman?

Uh, my name is Schmidlapp.

Schmidlapp?

Agnes Schmidlapp.

Well, you certainly
look like Merman.

Believe me, I'm pure Schmidlapp.

- Well, for heaven's sake.
- Heaven's...

- Can't believe it.
- Oh, my.

I sure am sorry you're
not Ethel Merman,

because she is my favorite star.

Oh, mine, too.

I've seen every
show she's ever done.

I've seen every
one of them twice.

Really? You know,
the one I liked best

was Annie Get Your Gun.

She was just marvelous in that!

Oh, yes, she was great in that,

but she was absolutely
magnificent in Call Me Madam.

Mrs. Schmidlapp,

if you will sign the papers.

Forget about the papers.

Um, what did you girls
think about her in Gypsy?

Oh, brilliant, just brilliant!

- Brilliant, huh?
- Yeah.

Oh, I tell you, when that
girl comes out on a stage,

she's just pure magic.

Magic, huh?

Oh, absolutely!

When she starts to
sing, I get all tingly.

I don't even care if she
doesn't have a good voice.

Let's sign those papers
now, Mr. Mooney.

It's amazing how much
she looks like Ethel Merman.

Oh, I want to tell you,
she sure fooled me.

Sheesh.

- Hey, Viv.
- Uh-huh.

Listen, if she fooled us,

she would certainly fool
Jerry and Sherman, right?

What are you getting at?

Maybe I could get her
to drop by the house

and introduce her to the boys,

as my dear friend Ethel Merman.

And then when they ask her
if she could be in their show,

she can say that
she's terribly sorry,

she's... she's too busy.

You know, that way, I'll
save face with the kids,

and then you and I can step
into the show as headliners

and everybody wins.

Everybody but the
people in the audience.

Oh, stop it.

Now, Lucy, what makes you
think that Agnes Schmidlapp

would go through
all that bother.

You're a total stranger.

Oh, now, don't worry, Viv.

I know how we can reach her.

We?

All right, how I can reach her.

Okay.

Now, while you're trying
to reach Mrs. Schmidlapp,

I'll reach Mr. Mooney about
helping us with the tickets.

Well, I think that takes care

of everything, Mrs. Schmidlapp.

- Thank you.
- Thank you. Ah.

You sure do look like her.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Could-Could I talk
to you for a minute?

Uh... honey,

how would you like
to make five dollars?

Five dollars?!

Well, now, it may
not sound like a lot,

but all you have to do
is come to my house

and pretend to be Ethel
Merman for five minutes.

That's a dollar a minute.

I'll bet Merman herself
doesn't make that much.

- Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't...
- Now, look.

Look, look, Mrs. Schmidlapp.
Are you a mother?

Well, of course, but
what's that got to do...

Well, then you-you'll
understand.

Now, you see, I-I'm in a spot.

Ethel Merman once
autographed an album for me,

and, well, I told
my little boy Jerry

that she was a very
dear friend of mine.

And, now, he's
putting on a show,

and he wants me to get my dear
old pal Ethel Merman to appear.

Say, you are in a jam!

Yes, I am.

So will you help me out?

All you have to do is say

that you're too
busy to do the show.

It's just that I can't
let my little boy know

that I was fibbing, you know.

Oh, I understand.

I once told my daughter

that my best friend
was Mary Martin.

Oh, boy!

Oh, you really
told one, didn't ya?

Well, will you do it?

Why, of course.

After all, five
bucks is five bucks.

Right... five bucks.

You ready, Viv?

Here we are, Agnes.

Just put your
things there, dear.

Now, remember, you just
pretend you're Ethel Merman

and leave the rest to me.

Jerry?

- Sherman, where are you?
- We're up here.

Well, come on down here;
we have a surprise for you.

Come on. Ha, ha, ha!

Jerry, Sherman, I'd like you
to meet an old friend of mine.

Say hello to Ethel Merman.

Hiya, fellas.

Ethel Merman!

Gee, you look just
like the album cover!

I told you we were
very good friends.

Gosh, Miss Merman,

are you going to be on our show?

Well, unfortunately,

Miss Merman has a
very busy schedule

and she will not
be able to make it.

Oh, she's rehearsing
for a television show

that night, darling.

But it's for the Scouts.

We're raising money to send
underprivileged kids to camp.

Now, darling, Miss
Merman is busy.

Oh, couldn't she
change her rehearsal?

No, dear. You can't
change your rehearsal,

can you, Miss Merman?

You bet I can!

I'd be happy to
appear on your show!

Oh! Um, uh...

Y-You don't have
to do it, Ethel,

just because we're
such good friends.

But I want to do it!

Oh, boy, that's
great! Right, Jer?!

I'll say!

As long as we can't
get Captain Kangaroo!

Come on, let's go over
to Scout headquarters

and tell Mr. Hampton
the big news!

Mrs. Schmidlapp...

just what do you
think you're doing?

Well, you didn't tell me it
was for underprivileged kids.

It's for a great cause,
and I want to help.

Well, if you want to help,

why are you fouling up the show?

Those kids think they're
gonna get Ethel Merman,

and they're not
getting Ethel Merman!

Do you know that
I'm really surprised?

You look like
such a decent sort.

Now, wait a minute.

Maybe we could fool everybody.

I look like her. Maybe
I could sound like her.

- Oh, come now!
- Oh, for gosh sake.

Well, maybe I could!

Oh, come on.

Look, Agnes,

just because a couple
of people happen

to think that you look
like Ethel Merman,

don't get carried away

and think you can sing like her.

Hey, Viv... Viv?

Hmm?

Maybe we could get away with it.

Oh, are you kidding?

No, now-now, listen.

I certainly don't
want to tell those boys

that she's a fake.

- No.
- Now, listen.

We could let her do one
song at the end of the show,

you know, and if
the crowd gets ugly,

we could sort of hustle
her out the back door.

And I could have
you waiting in the car

with the motor running.

It's worth a try.

Hey, can you sing at all?

A little.

All right, now, listen.

The boys are having
a rehearsal tomorrow

right here at 3:00.

- I want you here at 2:00.
- I'll be here.

Okay.

Agnes...

I don't know what
your little game is,

but five dollars is my limit.

Oh, I couldn't
take money for this.

Give it to the Scouts.

All right, that's more like it.

See you tomorrow at 2:00.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hello, Agnes.

Hello. Well, here
I am. It's 2:00.

Good girl.

Let me take your coat.

Sure.

Well, I suppose
you're wondering why

I asked you to
come an hour early.

I'm dying to know.

I'm going to teach you
to sing like Ethel Merman.

In one hour?

Why not?

All you have to do is
sing loud and sound nasal.

♪ I got rhythm, I got rhythm ♪

♪ I got rhythm ♪

♪ Who could ask
for anything more? ♪

That's the way
Ethel Merman sings?

Sure. Haven't you
ever watched her

in a Broadway musical?

Would you believe it?

I never have.

Boy, are you a hick.

Well, I have seen
her in the movies.

Well, good for you.

Now, come on, let's get started.

Now, um, first
I'm gonna give you

a simple little
warm-up exercise.

Now, now, listen to
this, and remember:

nasal, nasal,
nasal. Think nasal.

All right, now,

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪

Try that.

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la... ♪

Agnes?

You got a nose. Sing through it.

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... ♪

Oh, boy, have we
got a lot of work to do.

Haven't you ever had
any singing lessons?

Never.

I believe it.

Have you?

How'd you think I
learned to sing like this?

I'm sure it wasn't easy.

I happened to take lessons
from the famous Dr. Gitterman.

Who?

You have never
heard of Dr. Gitterman

of the Danfield
Academy of Voice?

No. But what do you
expect from a hick?

Okay, let's get started.

Now, look, Agnes,

working in front of an audience,

you must have proper volume.

You must be able
to project in a theater.

This is very important.

A lot of performers
don't understand this.

All right, now, Dr. Gitterman
has a wonderful exercise

to develop volume in the voice.

Now I want you to say, ♪ Oh... ♪

Do that.

♪ Oh-h-h-h... ♪

All right, all right, all right.

♪ Ah... ♪

Do that.

♪ Ahhh... ♪

All right, all right, all right.

Now I want you to
put them together,

starting softly and
letting the tone out fully.

♪ Ooh, oh, aah... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

Try that.

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ahhhh! ♪

Well, maybe we won't have
to worry about your volume.

Good.

Now I want to work
on your tonal quality.

I want you to repeat after me.

Ah-ooh-gah! Ah-ooh-gah!

Do that.

Ah-ooh-gah! Ah-ooh-gah!

Now let's do a few of those.

Ah-ooh-gah! Project.

Ah-ooh-gah! Ah-ooh-gah!

Ah-ooh-gah! Ah-ooh-gah!

Hey, hold your hats, kids,

we're going around
a corner. Whee!

Ah-ooh-gah!
Ah-ooh-gah! Ah-ooh-gah!

Ah-ooh-gah!
Ah-ooh-gah! Ah-ooh...

Agnes, singing is a
very serious business.

I'm sorry.

Now I want you to chew
your tongue and hum.

Chew my tongue and hum?

That's right. Now, listen.

All in here, very nasal.

All right, all right, nice.

Now listen to me very carefully.

I want you to chew
your tongue and hum,

and think of your
voice as an umbrella.

Now do this with me.

Now open it up.

♪ Oh... ahh... oh ♪

♪ Oh... ahh... oh ♪

♪ Oh... ahh... oh ♪

I had no idea singing
was this tough.

You bet. It took
years of practice

to get my voice
where it is today.

But don't feel too bad, Agnes.

Some of us have it
and some of us don't.

Well, maybe with a little
practice, I'll get lucky.

Well, maybe. We
got a lot of work to do,

- that's all I know.
- Oh, Lucy! Lucy! Lucy!

Oh, I just came from the bank!

May I see you

- for a minute in the kitchen?
- Not now, Viv.

- Later, honey.
- Lucy? Lucy,

- this is very
important - Viv...

I think I know something
that you ought to know.

Viv, later. You're
interrupting, dear.

Lucy, this is very important.

Well, Viv, it'll have to wait.

We are in a big jam.

I'm never gonna be
able to teach Agnes

to sing like Ethel Merman
in time for the show.

Lucy, uh, eh, uh, uh, uh, eh...

If you... uh, uh, eh...

Oh...

Vivian, what is the
matter with you?

Now, sit down, will you?

I'll talk to you later.

Good heavens, girl.

Okay.

Have it your own way.

Now, then, uh...

Oh, boy, I don't know.

Oh, wait a minute.

Why didn't I think
of this before?

You know what we're going to do?

We're going to play
one of Merman's records

backstage while you
stand in front of the curtain

and mouth the words.

Do you think you can
handle that, Agnes?

I'll try.

All right.

- Lucy...
- Vivian,

please, please.

Some other time.

All right, now, you
better watch me first,

because I know all the
things that the Merm does.

I know just the way she stands,

all the things she does with
her hands and everything.

Now, you watch me.

All right, now,
pay close attention.

♪ I got rhythm ♪

♪ I got music ♪

♪ I got my man ♪

♪ Who could ask
for anything more? ♪

♪ I've got daisies ♪

♪ In green pastures ♪

♪ I got my man ♪

♪ Who could ask
for anything more? ♪

♪ And Old Man Trouble ♪

♪ Say, I don't mind him ♪

♪ 'Cause you won't find him ♪

♪ Round my door ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Who could ask for
anything more...? ♪

♪ Who could ask for... ♪

♪ Anything... ♪

♪ More...? ♪

That's what I was
trying to tell you.

Oh!

I have never been so
embarrassed in my life!

Oh, forget it, Lucy.

You give wonderful
singing lessons.

Oh, Agnes, why didn't you
tell us you were Ethel Merman?

Well, it was all
Mr. Mooney's idea.

I'm gonna rent a house here.

And he told me if I
used my real name,

the price would go up.

Oh, that Mr. Mooney.

He thinks everybody's
as money-mad as he is.

Say, we'd better get going.

I'd better get my number
started for the Scout show.

You mean you're still
going to be in the show?

Well, if it's good enough
for Agnes Schmidlapp,

it's good enough for me.

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Oh, Ethel, this is going
to be the nicest thing

that ever happened
to the Scouts.

Oh, it sure is.

Who's that?

Oh, uh, Mrs. Carmichael...

Oh, may I speak to
Mrs. Schmidlapp for a few

minutes, please?

You can drop that
Schmidlapp routine.

Oh, you...

you know who she really is, eh?

Yes, I do.

And thanks to you,

I made a complete
fool of myself.

You can't pin that on me.

I just moved to town a year ago.

Excuse me.

Now, Mrs. Schmidlapp...

Uh, Miss Merman... I
dropped over to tell you

that I found a house for you.

Wonderful!

And the rent is very reasonable,

since I got to the owners

before these two put
it on the local teletype.

There's just one drawback.

The house won't be
available right away.

Oh, that's okay. I'll
stay at the Elm Tree Inn.

Oh, nonsense.

You can stay with us.

Oh, I couldn't impose like that.

Impose! Why, for heaven's
sake, it's the least we can do

after what you're doing for
Jerry and Sherman, right, Viv?

- Oh, sure. We'd love to have you.
- Yeah.

Only, where's she
gonna stay, Lucy?

Eh... in the guest room.

The guest room?

Yes, the blue room
with the chintz drapes.

That sounds like my room.

Now, wait a minute.

I don't want to put
Vivian out of her room.

Oh, now, she wants you to.

She wants to have something
to tell her grandchildren.

She wants to be
able to tell them

that the great Ethel
Merman slept in her bed.

Don't you, Viv?

Yeah, I was wondering what I
was going to tell my grandchildren.

Well, if you insist.

You know, to tell you the truth,

I'm awfully sick of hotels.

Yes, well, then
it's all settled. Uh,

Mr. Mooney, how long are
we going to have the pleasure

of having a big Broadway
star under our roof?

Yes, how long are we
going to have that pleasure?

Oh, uh, not very long.

The present tenants will
be out in three or four weeks.

Gee, Chris, you
look just beautiful...

For a girl.

Yeah, washing your
face with Lux all the time

makes your skin look nice.

Well, Lux does keep
my skin soft and smooth.

Well, what do you want?

Well, Mom and Aunt Viv

won't ever get to
do their twist routine.

So we asked the guys over
for a special performance.

That's nice. And...?

And we'd like you to
make some refreshments.

Oh, okay.

- How many are coming?
- Only 30.

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