The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 16 - Chris Goes Steady - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Is that you, Chris?

No, it's me.

Oh, I was expecting Chris.

- Lucy...
- What?



By any chance has there
been anything in the paper lately

about the surface of the
Earth gradually tilting?

No. Why?

Well, I'll swear that hill from
the market up to this house

gets steeper every year.

Where you been so long?

I stopped by the malt shop,
had a marshmallow sundae.

Oh, a marshmallow sundae.

Viv, I thought
you were on a diet.

I am, I am. I had
to have something

to give me the strength
to climb that Matterhorn.

Oh.

Say, I saw Chris
at the malt shop.

Oh?



She was with Ted
Mooney Jr. Again.

Oh, you know, I'm glad
Chris is having dates with Ted.

He's a nice boy.

Yeah, he sure is.

You know, I may be
forced to go to the bank

and tell Mr. Mooney that
I finally found something

I like about him... his son.

Oh, Ted certainly
is an improvement

over that Chuck Gibbons.

Every time I think of Chuck,
I see him hunched over

in our kitchen with the
light of the refrigerator

shining in his face.

Hi, Mom!

- Hi, dear.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Oh, the most wonderful
thing just happened.

What?

You'll never believe it.

What, what?

Ted Mooney and
I are going steady!

Ted a-and y-you are going whaty?

Steady. I'm wearing
his class ring.

That makes it official. See?

Oh, gee, Mom,

this is the most thrilling
moment of my life!

Aren't you excited?

"Dumbfounded" is the word.

Well, don't you think
you're a little young, Chris,

to be going steady?

Oh, Mother, don't
be old-fashioned.

All the girls at
school go steady.

And Mom, Ted and I
have so much in common.

We both like the same
hootenanny singers,

we both wear
Beethoven sweatshirts

and we both do our homework

listening to Dave
Brubeck's jazz combo.

Well, UNIVAC
couldn't have come up

with a more ideally
mated couple.

Oh, just wait'll the
girls see this tomorrow.

They'll flip!

My little chick has
flown the coop!

Oh, now, Lucy,

to a boy and girl
in high school,

there is nothing quite as
temporary as going steady.

It'll last a week, two
weeks, then it'll all be over.

Well, what if it isn't?

They go steady and
then they get engaged

and then they get married,

and then the next
thing you know, they...

I'm too young to
be a grandmother!

Oh, girl.

I just can't believe
it, Chris going steady.

Oh, now, Lucy, I
think you're taking

this thing much too seriously.

They're just kids.

It's puppy love.

Puppy love.

That was a ring he gave her,

not a dog biscuit.

Listen, I'm going over
to talk to Mr. Mooney.

This is his problem, too!

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

maybe we're getting
excited about nothing.

A lot of Ted's
friends go steady.

It doesn't mean a thing.

Why, a week from now,

Ted and Chris may
change their minds,

go steady with somebody else.

Suppose they don't
change their minds.

Suppose they keep
on going steady.

And then they get engaged,

and then they get married.

Married?!

You mean, you and
I might be related?

That's right.

We have got to
do something rash!

We'll forbid them to ever
see each other again!

Right. We'll forbid them
to see each other again.

That... Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We may be going
at this all wrong.

What do you mean?

Well, you know
how teenagers are.

They resent parental authority.

The minute you tell
them not to do something,

that's just what
they're going to do.

Point well taken.

Then how should we go about

nipping this thing in the bud?

Reverse psychology,
that's what we'll use.

How?

Well, we'll encourage them.

We'll tell them we
think it's wonderful

that they're going steady.

And if they care so
much about each other,

maybe they ought to get married.

But we don't want
them to get married!

Oh, I know that.
But don't you see?

When we tell
them, to get married,

they'll feel that
they're in so deep,

they'll get scared and
call the whole thing off.

Are you sure that's the
way teenagers think?

I'm positive.

Weren't you ever a teenager?

Well, of course.
What do you think?

Well, I thought maybe, one
day, they opened the bank vault,

and out you popped,
full-blown... stingy.

Very amusing.

Here they come. Here they come.

Now remember, go in the kitchen

and call Mr. Mooney and
get ready to go into your act.

Yes, okay, all right.

Hurry up now. Don't forget.

Hi, kids.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Hi, Mrs. Carmichael.

Well, now don't you
be bashful in front of me.

You go right ahead.

Uh, come on, Ted.

Let's go in the kitchen
and do our algebra.

Oh, now why go in the kitchen?

Why don't you do your homework

in here where you can
sit on the divan together?

Oh, come now. Closer.

After all, you're going steady.

That's it.

My, what a lovely couple.

Go ahead. Do your studying.

Mom, what's the matter?

Oh, nothing, darling.

Don't pay any attention to me.

It's just that the thought of a
wedding always makes me cry.

Wedding? Whose wedding?

Oh, you are the sly ones.

You're going steady now,

so I know it's just
a matter of time

before you'll be
getting married.

Holy cow.

Chris, darling, we
should be making plans.

You know it's never too early

to start talking
about a wedding.

But, Mom, Ted and I
are just going steady.

Marriage never entered our mind.

Don't worry about a thing, dear.

I'll take care of everything.

You'll have a big
church wedding,

and I already have
the music picked out,

and guess who the
soloist is going to be.

♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly, dear ♪

♪ Life with its sorrow... ♪

Now you see? That's enough, Viv.

- That's enough, Viv.
- ♪ Life... ♪

Okay, Viv, save
yourself for the ceremony.

It's bad luck for
the bride and groom

to hear all of the music
before the wedding.

Oh. Oh, kids, I think
this is wonderful news.

Congratulations.

Oh, I wonder who that is.

Oh, Mr. Mooney!

How nice you look!

Well, I always say,

if you're going to
have a big wedding,

do it in style.

Oh, what a marvelous idea.

A formal wedding.

- Yeah.
- Let's have it June

so we can have it
out in the garden.

Yes, we'll invite
the entire town.

Dad? Uh, Dad?!

Dad? Dad? Dad?

Yes, yes, my boy?

Dad, I've gotta talk to you.

I know what you're going to say.

And don't worry about it.

Everybody gets nervous.

I even had some doubts
myself before the ceremony.

So did I.

I had my doubts
after the ceremony.

Dad, this whole thing
of getting married is

a pretty big surprise to me.

Well, it came as a
surprise to me, too,

but the more I thought about it,

the better I liked it.

Just think, in no time at all,

you'll be presenting me
with my first grandchild.

Holy cow!

Oh, say, I just thought
of something, Viv.

Maybe Chris could
wear my wedding dress.

- What do you think?
- I think she could.

Just a few alterations
here and there.

Yeah, it's in a
box in the garage

- Let's go out and look for it.
- All right.

Uh, Mr. Mooney, how would
you like to come with us?

I'm sure the kids
have a lot to talk about.

Oh, yes.

Hey, I can't get married

until I get more customers
on my paper route.

Look, Ted, before
you get panicky,

I want to tell you something.

This whole here-comes-
the-bride kick is

one of my mother's schemes.

What?

Our folks are using
reverse psychology on us.

They don't like
our going steady,

so they're acting like they
want us to get married.

They don't want
us to get married?

No.

Say, maybe we should use
some reverse-reverse psychology.

What do you mean?

Well, we'll pretend
that we like the idea

of getting married, and
give them a good scare.

Do what I do.

- Oh, I think so.
- I think it'll work very well.

Chris, I think you'll
be a perfect dream

in my wedding gown.

Well, how are the bride-and-
groom-to-be getting along?

Oh, fine, Mr. Mooney.

And we decided not
to go steady anymore.

Oh...

Yes, we really
weren't that serious,

but after hearing all
about the big wedding,

we decided we would get married.

Yeah, you see?

Married?!

Oh, we knew you'd
be pleased, Mom.

And we've got you to
thank for the whole idea.

Uh, buh, uh, buh...

bub-buh-buh...

Dad? Dad? Dad?!

As long as we're
getting married,

I figured I'd drop
out of school.

Drop out of school?!

You can't stop your education!

How would you get a job?!

I'd work for you at the bank.

You don't know
anything about banking.

I got my marksmanship
badge at camp last summer.

I'll be a bank guard.

Bank guard?!

Yeah, boy, I'd sure like
to use one of those guns.

Bang, bang-bang.

Oh, merciful heaven!

Come on, sweetheart,

let's go down to the malt
shop and tell all the gang.

Okay, pussycat.

Bye, Dad.

Yes, uh, good-bye, Dad.

And now I would like
to say a few words...

to the pussycat's mother.

Well, now, Mr. Mooney,
I-I'm sure that we'll be able

to talk them out
of this some way.

But just as a
matter of curiosity,

what, uh, how much is a
bank guard's take-home pay?

Mrs. Carmichael!

If you'd just
keep out of this...

I'd rather sing,

♪ Oh, promise me that
someday you and I... ♪

Oh, shut up!

Oh, Mom?

Yes, dear?

I'm going over to
Cynthia's house

Oh, honey, uh, anything you want

to tell me before you go?

No, I don't think so.

Oh. Well, have fun.

Okay, bye-bye.

Bye.

Any news?

Ah!

Are they getting married?

Oh, you know as
much about it as I do.

Chris hasn't said a word.

My goodness, you'd
think a girl would tell

her own mother whether
she's going to get married or not.

Well, you know
the teenager's code:

When questioned by a parent,

only give your name,
rank and serial number.

That's true.

You know, I'm so desperate,

I've even stooped
to eavesdropping.

Chris got a call from
Ted and I hid in the closet.

Oh, my, what?

Well, they did algebra
problems for a half an hour

and I almost suffocated.

Oh, heavens.

Lucy, is Chris gonna
spend the weekend

- with Cynthia?
- I don't know, why?

She borrowed my
suitcase, I just wondered.

Well, maybe she is.

She didn't say
anything to me about it.

- Oh, look at this, Viv.
- What?

A travel folder
of Niagara Falls.

Isn't this a beautiful
picture of Niagara Falls?

Oh, that's very pretty.

- Where'd this come from?
- I don't know.

Gee, what a beautiful spot.

Did Ralph take you to Niagara
Falls when you got married?

Are you kidding?

He rushed me right from the
ceremony to the pawn shop

to hawk my wedding ring.

Oh, Viv.

Married!

Niagara Falls!

Viv, this is Chris'
travel folder!

And your suitcase!

Your suitcase...
They're going to elope!

- Oh, now, Lucy, take it easy.
- Viv, they're going to elope!

Yes, Mrs. Carmichael.

Yes, I heard you.

Yes, she borrowed a suitcase

and you found a folder
about Niagara Falls.

Look, this is all
circumstantial evidence.

It could mean any
number of things.

Now, I assure you
that Ted has gotten over

all these silly ideas
about marriage

and I want to assure you, too,
that I have brought up that boy

so that he's not the
sort who would sneak off

and elope without telling me.

Well, as a matter of fact,

I see him out in the backyard
now, carrying a long ladder.

Now that should give
you an idea that he's...

A long ladder?!

Mrs. Carmichael, don't go away!

Stay right where you
are, I'm coming right over!

We gotta stop...
they're eloping!

Don't panic, don't panic!

Okay, Mr. Mooney, come on.

Come on, hurry up.

All right. How can you
hurry up a rope ladder?

Give me your hand.

- You okay?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm all right.

Ooh, what charming decor.

What is this, early
Huckleberry Finn?

Well, what do you
expect from two little boys?

Oh, my, it's cold up here.

What's the matter?

Why did they build
the ceiling so low?

Oh, because they
built it for little boys.

This is their clubhouse.

We're not supposed
to be up here.

Then why are we here?

Well, I already told
you, Mr. Mooney,

this is the perfect
lookout post.

Now, they can't possibly
elope without us seeing them.

Now, look, right over there.

That's Chris' window
on the second floor, see?

- Mm-hmm.
- And right there is the back door.

- Right there is the side door.
- Uh-huh.

And this is the road that Ted
has to use to drive over here.

Well, I still say we should've
locked them in their rooms

till they came to their senses.

Well, that is really
the wrong psychology.

Oh, I'm getting awfully tired
of hearing you use that word

"psychology."

You make me wish that
Freud had never been born.

Stop them! Stop
them, they're eloping!

They're eloping;
they're getting away!

No, no, no, no, it's
your turn to go on watch.

Oh, oh.

- What time is it?
- It's 2:00 in the morning.

Oh.

Oh, wait till I get hold
of that son of mine.

If he's going to elope, he
could do it at a decent hour!

It's your turn to be on watch.

Mr. Mooney?

Would you stay awake
and keep me company?

No.

Mrs. Carmichael?

Just what do you
think you're doing?

Cracking nuts.

Where'd you get them?

I got them from that
squirrel's deep freeze.

- Give me some.
- No, get your own.

Why didn't you tell me the
squirrel was still in there?!

You didn't ask me.

Oh!

Oh, look, Mr. Mooney,

a little star peeking
through that patch of clouds.

Star light, star bright,
first star I see tonight,

I wish I may, I wish I might,

have the wish I wish tonight.

Don't you want to make
a wish, Mr. Mooney?

I already did.

But you're still here.

All right, all right,
you're still on watch.

Mrs. Carmichael!

Oh, the boys aren't gonna
like you breaking their...

The boys... I
don't like it either!

I'm getting out of here,
I'm getting out of here!

- Now, Mr. Mooney, Mr. Mooney!
- I don't care what you say!

Now look what you did!

Why did you break that ladder?

I'm having so much fun up here,

I didn't want it ever to end.

Well, I guess you're
just gonna have

to shinny down that
tree and get that ladder.

Mrs. Carmichael, bank
presidents don't shinny!

All right, we'll simply have
to wait here till morning

till somebody sees us
and comes up and gets us.

Oh, swell, swell.

Oh...

Snowing.

That's all we need.

Well, at least they'll
have a white elopement.

♪♪

Mr. Mooney, Mr. Mooney?

Wake up, Mr. Mooney.

Mom, what are you
doing up in the tree house?

Chris, you didn't
elope last night!

No, Ted and I had
no intention of eloping.

We were just
playing a trick on you

because you were using
all that reverse psychology.

Oh, haven't we got a
couple of wonderful children?

Mrs. Carmichael, if my
fingers ever thaw out,

I'm going to strangle you!

- Mom!
- What, honey?

I've gotta run, Mom, Aunt
Viv's driving me to school.

All right, sweetheart,
see you later.

Bye-bye!

I told you, Mr. Mooney, I
told you we had nothing...

Chris, Chris!

Get us down from here!

- Viv! Viv!
- Oh, no!

- Jerry!
- Mrs. Carmichael, Mrs. Carmichael!

- What are you...
- I can't...

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