The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 14 - Lucy Plays Florence Nightingale - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Stop fidgeting, Jerry.

- Hurry up.
- Yeah, we wanna play football.

Now, just a couple more minutes.

We need to practice.

Don't you want
your mothers to be



the best Hospital
Helpers in town?

There, I'm finished.

Well, what were you
treating the patient for?

A sprained finger.

Well, girl, don't you think
you got a little carried away?

I look like a short mummy.

- Mother, look at this.
- What?

I took off the ruffles
and raised the hemline

and it still doesn't
look grown-up enough.

Well, now, I'm sure it'll look

grown-up enough
to boys your age.

Especially with you in it.

I'm not interested
in boys my age.

There are gonna be some older
men there, 17- and 18-year-olds.



Senior citizens.

This just isn't
the type of thing

a girl should wear to
her first formal dance.

My dress should be
something really special.

Well, honey, I
guess you're right.

Let's see, the dance
is tomorrow night.

Take me too long to make one.

Not if you made
it out of bandages.

Can we go play football now?

Yes, darling, you're excused.

Hey, wait a minute, aren't you
gonna take your bandages off?

No, this way they'll figure
we're already wounded

and won't tackle us so hard.

Oh, get out.

Be careful now, boys.

Well, Chris, there's
only one thing to do.

Buy you a new dress.

Really, Mom?!

Oh, I never dreamed
we could afford

to buy me a brand-new dress.

Well, we can't, but I
think this is important.

Viv, do you think Grindstaff's
would have anything

that she would like at
a price I could afford?

They have an apricot
taffeta for $39.50.

You didn't dream I'd buy
you a new dress, huh?

Well...

All right, honey, you got it.

Oh, Mother, you're wonderful!

- Thanks loads!
- You're welcome, sweetheart.

Viv, honey...

Hey, where do you
think you're going?

I'm trying to get
out of the room

before you ask me
to loan you $39.50.

Now, is that any
attitude to take?

Lucy, I am flat broke.

You really are?

Yes, I really are.

Well, you ought to
budget yourself better.

You oughta know enough

to put something
aside for my rainy day.

Well, I'm sorry, girl,
but lately my losses

have been running rather
heavy at Monte Carlo.

Well, guess there's
only one thing to do.

Call the bank and ask Mr. Mooney
for an advance on my allowance.

Oh, not again.

Now, Lucy, you know
how he hates for you

to dip into your trust fund.

Yeah, he sure put
a dent in my dipper.

The only way you're
gonna get $39.50

is to sandpaper your fingers
and break into the vault.

Well, this is so terribly
important to Chris.

I'm just gonna have to take
another crack at Mooney.

Well, I admire your courage

after that great big battle
you had with him last month.

Oh, well, I'm not
one to hold a grudge.

Maybe he isn't either.

Whoo-hoo, boy!

Oh, poo-poo.

Hello, hello, this
is Mrs. Carmichael.

I'd like to speak to
Mr. Mooney, please.

How's that?

He's in the hospital?

What happened to him?

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, has someone
else at the bank

been assigned to
take over his duties?

Some kind, understanding,
generous person?

No, huh?

Well, thanks anyway.

Good-bye.

Boy, he's got a nerve...

Breaking his leg
just when I need him.

He broke his leg?

How did it happen?

Going into his house last night,
he tripped over the welcome mat.

How do you like that?

My only chance to get
the money is in traction.

Well, start sandpapering
your fingers.

Hey!

He's in the hospital and
I am a Hospital Helper.

So?

So, what man...

Even a penny-pinching banker...
Can resist the kind, gentle,

loving care of a kind,
gentle, loving Hospital Helper?

I'll soften him up and then
I'll hit him for an advance.

But you're not
on duty this week.

Well, I'll call Audrey Simmons

and have her switch
assignments with me.

And you call Alice Canfield

and have her switch
assignments with you.

Me?

What do you need me for?

Sometimes us Hospital
Helpers need helpers.

Oh, Viv, wait till
you see me in action.

I am gonna be
Mr. Mooney's angel of mercy.

I'm gonna
out-Nightingale Florence!

There we are.

Thank you.

Now, does that
feel a little better?

Ooh, yes, that's nice.

Now, is there anything else I
can get for you, Mr. Mooney?

No, thank you, Mrs. Blake.

All right, fine.

Well, you just lay
here and get your rest.

Hello there, Mr. Mooney.

Hospital Helper Lucy
Carmichael reporting for duty.

Oh, no!

And how are we
feeling this morning?

We have just had a relapse.

Look, Mrs. Carmichael, before
I agreed to be hospitalized,

they told me that you would
not be on duty for two full weeks.

My only hope is
that I'm delirious

and you're an hallucination.

Oh, now, now, Mr. Mooney.

Can I do anything to
make you more comfy?

Yes, get out.

Oh, now, Mr. Mooney,
that's no attitude to take.

While you're here, you are
a patient and I am a nurse.

My only purpose is
to ease your suffering.

Oh, how refreshing.

Usually your only purpose
is to ask for an advance

- on your allowance.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, uh, uh, what can I do

to make things more
pleasant for you?

Uh, fluff up your beddy-bye?

Beddy-bye?

No! No, thank you!

My "beddy-bye" is
sufficiently fluffed.

All righty.

Now then, shall we, uh...

shall we crank up
your bed a little?

If you think you can manage it.

Oh, yes, sir.

Say, speaking of
formal dances...

Were we?

Well, uh, yes.

As a matter of fact, we were.

That is, my daughter and I were.

Crank, Mrs. Carmichael, crank.

- Crank, crank.
- All righty.

I'm sorry.

I said crank me up,
not put me in orbit!

I'm so terribly sorry.

Mrs. Carmichael, would
you please get out of here

before you break my back?

Now, I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Mooney.

You just relax
now. Easy does it.

Easy does it, upsy-daisy.

There we go.

There you are.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,

will you leave me alone?

Say, speaking of alone...

Ah-ah-ah, I-I'll
get it, I'll get it.

Hello?

Yes, this is his room.

Yes, this is his nurse speaking.

Oh, oh, there's a Western
Union message for you.

Oh, yes, I'll take it.

Oh, you wouldn't
have a pen on you?

No, I left it in my
other hospital coat.

Oh, here's one.

I don't suppose you have a
piece of paper either, do you?

You know, I'm afraid I
wasn't planning ahead

when I slipped on
that welcome mat.

Oh, oh, all right, go ahead,
give me the message.

Yes, "wishing you...

a... recovery."

Uh-huh, uh...

"Friends at the bank."

Uh-huh.

I see.

And from George, Elaine, Philip,

William, Alex, Eric,

Dick and Virginia.

Yes, I got all those names.

How many were there?

Uh-huh, one, two...

Yeah.

Now, wasn't that nice of
all your friends at the bank?

Would you like to read...

Well, I'm sorry.

It's right there all in a little
chunk if you wanna read it.

Good-bye, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, I don't have
any place to go.

I just wanna sit here
with you and chat a while.

- Well, I don't feel like chatting!
- Oh.

No, the doctor told me that
I have to have plenty of rest.

Well, what does he know?

It just so happens that
chatting helps bones to heal.

Oh, this may be a major
breakthrough in orthopedics.

Chatting helps bones to heal.

Oh, and speaking of heal,
that reminds me of toe,

which reminds me of feet,
which reminds me of dancing.

Only you would
talk about dancing

to a man with a broken leg.

- Mrs. Carmichael, - Yes, sir?

- I know you are an angel of mercy.
- Oh.

But please, take wing!

- Here we are.
- Oh, I'll take that.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Well, look what we have
here, Mr. Mooney, our lunch.

We are not very hungry.

Well, now, when
we are convalescing,

we must take our nourishment

so that we get strong enough
to get out of our beddy-bye.

Beddy-bye?!

Mrs. Ca...

- Sorry.
- Oh...

Oh, oh, that was
very clever of you.

Oh, yes, a broken rib will
take my mind off my broken leg.

I'm terribly sorry.

Now, you'll feel better
after you've had your lunch.

Now, let's see what we have.

Oh, chicken soup!

Chicken soup is very
good to calm the nerves.

Hmm, chatting heals bones,
chicken soup soothes the nerves.

Dr. Hutchinson
certainly wasted his time

going to medical school.

Well, that could be, yes.

Oh, look at this!

Turkey, gravy, mashed
potatoes and creamed beets.

What yummies.

Mrs. Carmichael,

will you leave me
alone with my yummies?

No, no, sir, I'm
going to feed you.

I'm perfectly capable
of feeding myself.

Oh, no, you're not.

You're not strong
enough to feed yourself.

Mrs. Carmichael,

- Now, let's open our mouth...
- Mrs. Car...

- Open up.
- Mrs. Carmichael!

I can feed myself!

- Now, let me just...
- I'm not a child!

Mrs. Carmichael,
I'm gonna feed myself.

Well, all right, sir, if
that's the way you want it.

Why did you do that?

I'm terribly sorry,
I'll clean it up.

Out, out! Help!

- Mrs. Blake, Mrs. Blake!
- Please!

Mrs. Blake! Get away from
me! Don't you touch me!

Get out!

Help! Help!

Get out of here!

Never darken my door again!

- No.
- Get out!

- Get out!
- Mr. Mooney!

Mr. Mooney, what
seems to be the trouble?!

G-G-Get this woman out of here!

Get her out of my sight!

Look what she did to my lunch!

She almost broke my rib,

and she wrote all over my cast!

These will calm your nerves.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, - A sedative...

I'm so sorry this happened.

I can assure you this will
never happen again, sir.

Get her out of here!

Get her out of here!

Relax! Try to relax!

Mrs. Carmichael...

Yes, ma'am?

You are not to come
in this room again.

No, ma'am.

You are not to come
on this floor again!

No, ma'am.

In fact, if I see you
on this floor again,

I'll have you dismissed!

Yes, ma'am.

Wait!

I just remembered.

You are the one who
gave me that welcome mat!

Yes, ma'am!

Dr. Jensen.

Dr. Merrick.

Dr. Spratton.

Dr. Edwards. Dr. Edwards.

Dr. Edwards.

Nurse, I'll be in 305.

Yes, Mrs. Blake.

Good day.

Hello, there.

Psst.

Lucy, what are you doing here?

Now, Mrs. Blake
gave strict orders

that you were not to
be on the third floor.

I don't care; I've
just got to talk

to Mr. Mooney. How is he?

Well, he's still pretty groggy

from that sedative.

- That's perfect.
- It is?

Yeah, yeah. While he's groggy,
I'll get him to sign a check.

That way, he'll be giving
me money without knowing it.

I said he was groggy,
not unconscious.

Well, I've just got
to get that dress.

Now, I think it's
worth a try, Viv.

Now, Lucy, this whole
floor is off-limits to you.

You'll never make it way
down that hall to his room.

Oh, yes, I can.

I have a plan, but
I need your help.

Now, come on.

Hello.

Dr. Jackson.

Dr. Gilmore.

Dr. Ralston.

Dr. Jackson.

Dr. Gilmore.

Dr. Ralston.

Well, now, here we
are, Mrs. Edwards.

I'll just get your records,

and then we'll be on
our way to the solarium.

Thank you.

- Oh, uh, nurse.
- Yes?

Would you come with me, please?

- Oh, uh, uh, uh...
- It'll only be a minute.

- But she... I have to...
- No, come with me now, please.

I'll see you later.

Oh.

Excuse me.

Here we go.

All right, now, Mrs. Edwards.

We'll be on our way.

Mrs. Edwards,
where are you going?

Mrs. Edwards... Oh!

Good heavens, I beg your pardon.

Please, now, Mrs.
Edwards, let's not be testy.

Excuse me, please! Get that...

Mrs. Edwards,
where are you go...

Mrs. Edwards, come back here!

Mrs. Edwards!

Mrs. Carmichael!

- What?! I...
- Oh.

- Excuse me.
- I'm sorry.

Nurse, help me
catch that volunteer!

I want her dismissed
from this hospital!

This way! Hurry! Hurry!

I'd like to know what's
going on around this hospital.

I was supposed to be
taken to the solarium,

not down to some
strange man's room.

Um, uh, well, I thought
maybe you'd like a little tour.

Uh, know your
hospital, I always say.

Uh, oh, hey, uh,

I have to take care
of another patient.

Uh, some helper
you turned out to be!

There she is!

Grab her!

Dr. Davis.

Say, Dr. Davis.

I-I was in the gallery when
you operated just now.

May I congratulate you
on that gastric resection.

Uh, thank you.

I notice you also repaired
a diaphragmatic hernia,

besides doing a vagotomy.

I did?

Oh, I did.

Sure.

Say, uh, Dr. Davis,

if you have a few
moments, I'd be so honored

if you'd care to
come and observe.

I'm doing my first autopsy!

Well, uh, I'd love to, but
I-I've, uh, I've got to perform

another one of those
gastric, uh, whatchamacallits.

Another one?

Uh, it's not on the same man.

I can't understand it.

She can't just have
disappeared into thin air.

That's true.

I'm going into the office
and phone downstairs

and see if they've found her.

All right.

Psst.

Me?

Oh, Doctor.

Oh, it's only you.

Where have you been?!

Where did you go?!

Come on.

He's out like a light.

Yeah, those sedative pills
really sent him bye-bye.

Well, what do we do
now, wake him up?

Yeah, but we have to be very
careful how we wake him up.

We want him to be awake
enough to sign the check,

but not awake enough
to know that he's doing it.

- Uh-huh.
- Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney.

Come on, Mr. Mooney.

Wake up.

Mr. Mooney.

Hey. Mr. Mooney.

Come on. I got an idea.

Mr. Mooney. Mr. Mooney.

There's a run on the bank.

Wake...

Oh.

Mr. Mooney.

Hey, he used to live
on a farm in Indiana.

Maybe this will do it.

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

What was that?

A rooster.

Well, it sounded more
like a lovesick hummingbird.

I can crow; let me do it.

Okay.

Oh, hello, Doctor.

Uh... oh.

Hello, uh, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, how are you feeling?

I feel a little groggy.

Yes. Well, you'll feel a lot
better, uh, once I set your leg.

And before I do, I, uh, I
have to have your signature

- on the release.
- Oh.

To give me permission.

Oh, I'll go ahead and do it.

You just sign right
there, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, dear. Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney, wake up.

Do the rooster again.

W-W-What's the matter?

What-what's that
rooster doing in my bank?

Yeah, well, yeah,
that's right, Mr. Mooney.

We're at the bank, and-and, uh,

we're getting up a birthday
card for Mr. Bentley the teller.

And we want everyone to sign.

And you're the last one to sign.

Oh, what a sweet thought.

♪ Oh, for he's a
jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow,
for he's a jolly good fell... ♪

Oh!

Mr. Mooney. Mr. Mooney.

Oh, he signed it.

- He did?
- We got it, yeah.

- Oh, good.
- Let's go get the dress.

- Oh, wait a minute.
- What?

Look at the way he signed it.

"Theodore J. Beddy-Bye."

- Oh...
- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh.

- Come on, Mr. Mooney.
- Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney.

Do another cock-a-doodle-do.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

Remember, Mr. Mooney?
You're at the bank and...

W-We're not, we're not,
we're not at the bank.

I'm in the hospital.

Oh, yes. Yes,
you're in the hospital.

And, uh, and we-we
would like you to sign

our guest book.

All the important patients we
want to sign our guest book.

Oh, that's very flattering.

Theodore J. Mooney.

M-O-O-N-E-Y.

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Mr. Mooney. Oh, dear.

Wake up, Mr. Mooney. Come on.

What'd he do with the pen?

The pen's gone?

Oh, Lucy.

What'd he do with the pen?

Mr. Mooney, come on now.

Maybe-maybe he put
it under the bed, Lucy.

Now, Mr. Mooney...

Viv!

Viv!

Don't you touch that!

What are you
doing under my cast,

Dr. Carmichael?

Oh, what's the use!

Oh...

I just wanted you to
give me some money

so I could buy
Chris a new dress!

She's going to her
first formal dance!

Well, in that case, I will
give you the advance.

It's so important
to a teenage girl,

her very first formal dance!

You will?!

That is the first sensible
reason you have ever given

for asking for an advance
on your allowance.

Oh, Mr. Mooney, you're a doll!

Quick, Viv, get his leg off
here so I can give him a big kiss!

Okay.

Ah, let her lie, Mrs. Bagley!

You let her lie!

Oh, Mr. Mooney, please!

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