The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 12 - The Loophole in the Lease - full transcript

When Sherman accidentally leaves the water running, a large amount of damage occurs to the home. Lucy insists that Viv pay for all the repairs as it was agreed upon in their lease. But a clause in the lease also gives Viv a loophole that would allow her to take possession of the home. Mr. Mooney suggests that they steal the lease away from Viv's clutches before she enacts on the clause.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Up-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Where are you fellas going?



Over to the Y to try out my
submarine in the swimming pool.

I thought you were gonna
put that in the bathtub.

I tried it, but the bathtub
isn't good for submarines.

If you ask me, the bathtub
isn't good for anything.

Gee! Look at all
the swell puddles!

Have fun.

Look at all the swell puddles.

That's very
interesting, you know...

They walk all the way to
the Y in the pouring rain,

stepping in every puddle,
and I can't get that kid

near a bathtub without
a gun in his back.

Well, girl, I think I'll
go up to my room.

It's a great morning
for a nice, long nap.

Oh, that's a good idea.



Get a lot of sleep so you
can stay awake tonight.

What does that mean?

It means you had
one of your nightmares.

You talked in your sleep

- last night.
- Oh, did I do that again?

Yeah, I could hear you all
the way down to my room.

It was very disturbing.

What did I say?

I couldn't quite make out...

That's what was so disturbing.

I'll try to speak up next time.

Okay. Ooh! What was that?

What was what?

It felt like... it was
water in my hair!

- The roof is leaking again!
- Oh! Heavens!

- Oh, for heaven's sake!
- Oh, dear!

It'll ruin my new kitchen!

- Oh!
- Pull the rug back!

- Pull it. Yeah.
- Oh, for heaven's sake!

Good heavens!

Oh, why does the
roof have to leak

every time it rains?

I guess it's because
sunshine isn't very leaky.

Oh, honestly!

- Oh!
- Lucy, what are you doing?

There's another one!

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm holding up the ceiling.

Oh, that's really funny.

Put the bowl over there.

- Okay. Here, here, here.
- I don't understand it.

I just had the roof fixed.

Maybe some of
the shingles blew...

Hey, wait a minute, Lucy.

How could the roof be leaking

between the first
and second floor?

The bathtub!

Sherman must have
left the water running!

We got to go turn it off!

Oh, honestly!

What do you know,

you really were
holding up the ceiling.

Hurry up, Viv.

I'm hurrying as fast as I can.

Mixing plaster isn't exactly
like making a cake, you know?

I still don't know
why we're doing this.

Amateurs just shouldn't
attempt a job like this.

All right, now,
Mr. Peterson told us

he'd charge $40 for this job.

But we don't know a
doodly-squirt about plastering.

Okay, Viv, it was your son

who let the bathtub run
over, so you pay the 40 bucks.

You know, the more you talk,

the more we know
about plastering.

I thought you'd see it my way.

You know, Lucy,
if you ever give up

your career in plastering,

you can take up blackmailing.

Never mind.

Okay, it's ready.

My opinion, which isn't
worth anything, it's ready.

That looks pretty good.

Pretty good?

It looks so delicious,
it's all I can do

to keep from licking the bowl.

Oh, come on now, Viv.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Which one of these
things do I use?

Oh, why don't you just
use the biggest one.

- I don't know.
- All right.

All righty, Viv, I'm
not gonna eat it.

You better keep stirring
that, or it'll get hard.

Oh, Lucy, my arm is tired.

Well, you've got
to keep stirring...

I don't know how
much more I'll need.

Okay. I'll use
your electric mixer.

Don't you dare!

Well, let's see, now.

Boy, the floor will never leak.

Oh...

Ha!

There.

Oh, nice going, Viv.

What did I do?

Well, obviously, you
put too much water in it.

Well, I can't imagine
how that happened.

I used an old recipe
of my grandmother's.

All right, let's not get nasty.

Just put in some more plaster.

Okay, come on, try this.

Okay.

All right.

Did you stir it enough?

If I stir it any more,
it'll turn to butter.

All right, come
on, fill 'er up here.

Give me some more.

Little bit more.

Yeah, that's enough. Okay.

There you go.

- Wup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
- Thank you.

Now, if that isn't right, I'm
gonna turn in my union card.

Well, it better be right, girl.

Boy, I know why plasterers
make so much money...

They have to take so much abuse.

Well, here goes.

That should do it.

Oh, congratulations, Lucy.

Michelangelo couldn't have
done any better than that.

Shh.

Don't let it hear you.

We just saved 40 bucks.

Come on, let's
clean up this mess.

- You take those buckets out.
- Okay.

Don't slam that door, girl.

Did you just say something?

Well, there you are.

- How about that, Mr. Mooney?
- Excellent.

That's a beautiful job.

You know, when you told
me you were going to repair

your ceiling yourself, I
thought you'd lost your mind.

But I was wrong...
That looks splendid.

You know, Peterson would
charge a fortune for that.

He did.

Peterson did that?

Yes, but before you
look at the bill, I want

to tell you something.

- Come here.
- Yeah.

Now, look, Mrs. Bagley's
taking a nap in the living room,

so when you yell at me,
would you please yell quietly?

Now, why would I yell at you?

Well, every time
I show you a bill,

you yell at me...
It's tradition with us.

So here, go ahead, yell.

- Mrs. Carmichael...
- Aah!

What was that for?

Well, I thought you
were going to yell.

It was sort of
a leftover flinch.

Why should I yell?

This is perfectly clear-cut.

Since it was her son who let
the water overflow in the bathtub,

this bill will have to
be paid by Mrs. Bagley.

Oh...

Well, I'm afraid you
don't know Mrs. Bagley.

She has a strange quirk.

She thinks the landlord
should pay for all repairs.

Well, Mrs. Carmichael, I am
not going to give you the money

out of your trust
fund to pay for this bill.

Either Mrs. Bagley pays
it, as she is obligated to do,

or you raise her rent.

Now, you just go right
in there and tell her.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Well, somebody's
got to tell her.

Okay, you go in and tell her
and let me know what she says.

Very well, I'll go and tell her.

I'll... Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, no, you should do it.

After all, you are the landlord.

Well, you're the
executor of my trust fund.

All right, we'll go
and face her together.

After you.

Mrs. Carmichael.

You don't believe me, ask Lucy.

She's having a dream,
and I hate to interrupt.

Let's come back
when she's awake.

Now.

Attaboy, Sherman!

There's my boy,
Sherman, make a touch...

- Viv, honey? Viv?
- What? Huh? Hey. Oh.

Huh.

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Hi, dear.

I want to ask you a
little something, honey.

Yeah? What is it?

Uh, you wouldn't want me
to raise your rent, would you?

No, I wouldn't. Good night.

Well, I asked her.

Uh...

Mrs. Bagley?

Oh, Mr. Mooney.

Oh, what are you doing here?

Mrs. Bagley, as of
the first of the month,

your rent will be increased
20% to cover the cost

of repairs for the
kitchen ceiling.

Oh, no.

The landlord is supposed
to pay for all repairs.

Yeah, she's right, Mr. Mooney.

- Go back to sleep, honey.
- Uh-huh.

Uh, uh, let me put it
this way, Mrs. Bagley.

You have a choice.

Either you will
pay the increase,

or I'm afraid I will have
to have you evicted.

Evicted?!

From the Latin, "evictus."

Meaning "To be asked
to leave the premises,

"by force,

- if necessary."
- But, Mr. Mooney...

Business is business.

Well, Mrs. Bagley,
what do you say?

Phooey.

"Phooey"?

From the Latin, "phooeyus."

Meaning "That's what you think."

I have a lease.

Uh, she's right, Mr. Mooney.

Uh, she's got a lease.

Sorry to bother you, dear.

- Mm-hmm. All right.
- Go back to sleep, honey.

Uh, just a minute.

If you will read that lease,

you will find that it
says... And I quote...

"When landlord makes
property improvements,

landlord has right
to raise tenant's rent."

He's right, Viv, dear,

and if you'll stop
to think about it,

I haven't ever raised your
rent in all these years. Ever.

- No, no, you haven't.
- No.

Because the rent was
so high when we started,

you didn't dare charge more
for that crummy little room.

Crummy little room?!

Why, you've had the use
of the whole crummy house!

The whole house!

You were right the first time.

Well!

I thought you were
a friend of mine,

but you're nothing
but a... a landlord!

Well, you're nothing
but a-a tenant!

Is that so?

- Yes, that's so!
- Well, I'll tell you...

L-Ladies, ladies,
ladies, ladies,

please, please.

Now, Mrs. Carmichael,
will you get the lease

so we can act civilized
about throwing her out?

Well, I-I, uh...

I don't exactly have the lease.

I have the lease, and
I'll be very happy to get it.

- Pardon me, please.
- Wh...

And just why don't you
have a copy of the lease?

Well, we only bought one.

We were both gonna
live in the same house,

we didn't see any use
in wasting 50 cents.

Here we are.

- Here it...
- Uh, may I?

Now, then, let's see.

Ah, yes, yes.

Here we are.

"In event lessor improves,
remodels or repairs premises,

"lessor has the
right to increase rent

"of lessee.

"Further, at lessee's option,

"all past rents paid
by lessee to lessor

"for five years from
the date of this contract

"may be applied as down payment

"toward purchase of
premises herein described

and further..."

Oh, good grief.

What does that mean?

That means that if I desire,

as of now, I could
own this house.

You wouldn't!

I am the lessee,
and I so desire.

But you wouldn't take my
own house away from me.

Oh, Mrs. Bagley, that
is a little high-handed.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Mooney,
but business is business.

But what about me?

Oh, I'll be happy to have
you stay on as tenant.

A tenant?!

At the same rent that I've
been paying, plus 20%.

Oh...

Now, of course, if you
don't care to do that,

I can always kick you out.

Kick me out?

Good-bye, Mr. Mooney.

I'm so glad that you
dropped in to read to us.

Well, Mr. Mooney, I
hope you're satisfied.

I just can't believe it.

We've lived together
for five years,

and now she does a
thing like this to me.

I want my house back.

Wh...

Now, now, now, now.

Don't-don't...

It's my house, and
I want my house.

Don't cry. Crying isn't
going to do anything.

- No...
- Well, I don't like that.

Now... Wait a minute.

Did you say five years?

Yes, five years with
that viper in my bosom.

She has been living
here for five years,

Yes.

And the lease is for five years.

Maybe the lease has expired.

What was the date you signed it?

Well, I...

Think, think, think, think,

- Let's see, uh...
- think, think, think.

I-I know it was near
somebody's birthday.

- Somebody's birthday. Yeah.
- Because... Yeah.

We went to the dime store

and-and-and-and we
went there to buy candles

Candles, yes.

And we saw these leases,

so we decided to
buy one and sign it,

so that it would make
everything legal, you know?

So that even though
we-we're good friends,

nothing could ever happen.

That's a laugh, isn't it?

That's a laugh.

- Now. Now, the date.
- What?

The date, the date.

- What date?
- The date.

The date, the date.

Whose birthday was it?

Oh, uh... It was, uh...

It was, uh... I don't remember.

- You don't remember?
- No.

Birthday, birth...

Birthday cake? Cake?
Was there a cake?

Yeah, there was a cake.

- There was a cake!
- Yeah.

Aha! And what did
it say on the cake?

"Happy birthday."

Happy birthday to...?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

I don't know. I don't know.

Oh, happy birthday,
hap-happy birth...

Candle, candle...

Birthday party!
There was a party!

Yeah, there was a party.

- There was a party!
- Yeah, there was a party.

- And you were there.
- Yeah, I was there!

I had the party.

- A lot of people were there!
- Yeah, there were a lot of kids,

- Everybody there!
- A lot of candles.

And you bought the
candles to put on the cake.

- Yeah, we bought... yeah...
- And you lighted the candles,

and they were on the cake.

Yeah, we had a lot of
candles. They were on the cake.

And the cake was all bright.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Now, can you see the cake?!

Yes, I can see the cake!

- Good!
- Yeah!

And on the cake, it says...

Happy birthday to...

To...?

Sherman!

- Sherman!
- Sherman!

It was Sherman's birthday!

Aha! Sherman's birthday!

- Yeah, it was Sherman.
- Aha!

When is Sherman's birthday?

Day after tomorrow.

Day after tomorrow!

Yeah. Yeah.

And when did you sign the lease?

- Five years ago!
- Five years ago?

I mean, when did
you sign the lease

in relation to
Sherman's birthday?

Oh.

It was, uh, it was
right after the party.

- Look, wait. Wait. We've got it.
- What?

What?

If Sherman's birthday
is day after tomorrow,

- Yeah?
- That means the lease is good

for two more days.

Now, if I know Mrs. Bagley,

and I'm afraid I'm beginning to,

she will be at the escrow
department of the bank

at one minute past
10:00 tomorrow morning

exercising her option.

Well, we're not going
to let her do that.

Well, I'm afraid
I can't stop her

if she has that lease clutched

in her greedy little hands.

You mean, if she
didn't have that lease,

she couldn't take my house away?

That's right! She
wouldn't have any proof!

Oh-ho...

That is the most evil-sounding
"oh-ho" I have ever heard.

Now, there's got to be a way
to swipe that lease from her

before tomorrow morning.

Mrs. Carmichael,
swiping is illegal.

I don't care. I'm
not going to sit by

and watch her give Sherman
this house for a birthday present.

Now, we've got to find a way
to get that lease away from her

- before tomorrow morning.
- Yeah...

We?!

Just a minute. I am
a man of integrity.

You are also the man
who got me into this.

Which, by the way, I never
intend to let you forget.

We must think of a way.

Yeah.

Come on. Hurry up.

Yeah, come on. Give me the pole.

Pole. All right.

- Yeah.
- Here you go.

Okay, I got it. Come on.

Okay.

Shh! Quiet, now.

Can you make it all right?

Yeah. Oh, is this a thing

for a grown bank
president to be doing.

Oh, come on.

Be careful.

I still think this is

the craziest scheme
I've ever heard of.

What's crazy about
it? Maybe it'll work.

You said you were
an excellent fisherman.

Catching trout in a
stream is one thing,

but fishing for a
lease with a magnet

through a window is
something else again.

Oh, come on.

Oh! -Hold it.

Reel it in.

Good. That's
right. That's right.

Oh, for heaven's sake,

that magnet sticks
to everything.

Yeah.

Hope it sticks to that lease.

Oh, I can't get it off.

- No?
- No.

You'll have to climb
out there and get it off.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Take it easy, now. Take it easy.

Get down.

Don't make noises, just come on.

Hurry up.

Okay. Thank you. Come on.

Shh!

Shh!

Shh, shh!

Are-are-are you sure she
locked her bedroom door?

I am positive.

She put the lease
in her pajama pocket,

said good night with a sneer,

and locked the door behind her.

Oh...

Apparently, she
doesn't trust anybody.

Yeah.

- Look, look.
- What?

Are you certain the paper
clip is still on the lease?

I saw it with my own eyes.

Oh.

Shh, shh.

I think we go to the
right. Don't rush me.

Oh.

Take it easy and be quiet.

All right. Quiet.

There she is,

sleeping like a baby.

Yeah, a baby viper.

Over there?

- Yeah.
- All right.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Don't make so much noise.

Shh, shh, shh.

Izaak Walton, forgive me.

Come on.

Okay.

Don't-don't-don't-
don't rush me.

Just get the lease.

Wait. Wait a minute.

Reel it in. Reel it in.

Heavens. Try it again.

All right. All right.

Watch what you're doing.

All right. I will.

Let me just...

Way up and get the lease.

Way up, way up.

Don't wake her up.

Shh, shh.

Way over... way over there...

Some fisherman you are.

You'd do better with worms.

Well, it's a good night for
it. They're certainly biting.

For heaven's sake. This
time, go after the lease, will ya?

Oh, how would you
like to try your luck?

Well, I couldn't do any worse.

All right.

For heaven's sake.

Congratulations.

You have just caught the
season's first striped bifocal.

Again...

All right.

- I got it.
- Yeah? What have you got?

What have you got?

Look, you've got
to get in there,

get that string untangled,
and get that lease!

Okay. Hold it.

- Hold it?
- Yeah.

Get your elbow out of the way.

Shh, shh, shh.

All right.

I'm with you.

Yeah. Come on.

She's talking in
her sleep again.

Look at my pretty balloon.

Uh, it's very pretty, Viv.

What are you doing?

Shh.

We're gonna sneak
inside her dream

and talk her out of
letting go of that lease.

What else?

Oh, I was a fool for asking.

See the pretty balloon?

Viv, honey, can I
have your balloon?

No, it's mine.

But it's such a
pretty red balloon.

It's blue.

Anyone can see it's blue.

It's a very pretty
blue balloon, Viv.

Please give it to me.

No.

I'll tell you a
little secret, Viv.

All my life I've
wanted a blue balloon.

Oh...

I'll tell you a little secret.

What's that, honey?

I've been awake ever since
you two came up on the roof.

That's a terrible thing to do.

What do you mean,
a terrible thing to do?

What about that, huh?

How did that get there?

Oh, come now, Lucy.

Well, I was desperate.

I was trying to get
my house back.

I wasn't going to
take your house.

You're my best friend.

I just said that because
you were going to evict me.

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh, I wasn't going
to evict you, Viv.

No?

You're my best friend.

Well, how would I know that?

La-La-Ladies. Ladies! Ladies!

- Ladies!
- I wasn't going...

Before you exchange
friendship rings,

don't you think
we ought to settle

who is going to pay the
bill for the kitchen ceiling?

- We'll split the cost.
- Okay.

Good idea.

Three ways.

Three w... Three ways?

Yeah. Me, Viv and you.

Just a minute.

What makes you think
that I will pay part of that bill?

Because you were the one

that got us fighting
in the first place.

Well, I am not going to pay it.

Well, all right.

But how will it sound at
the bridge club tomorrow

when I tell all the girls that
the president of our bank

was seen crawling
through the bedroom window

of a certain attractive
divorcee at 11:00 at night?

We'll split it three ways.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Oh...

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