The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 11 - Lucy's College Reunion - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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How are you coming with
your homework, honey?

Oh, pretty good.

How's the composition
coming, Chrissy?

Oh, pretty good.



I only have to write
about 200 more words.

Yay, Milroy!

Milroy! Milroy!

Sis boom bah!

Mom, you look great!

Oh, you must've been
a wonderful cheerleader.

- Thank you!
- You gonna take that outfit

to your college
reunion this weekend?

Oh, sure. I wouldn't
be a bit surprised

if during halftime at the
game, the crowd would insist

that I get up and lead
a guest locomotive.

What is this all about?

My graduating class is
holding a reunion this weekend.

You didn't tell me that.



Well, I just decided
to go this morning.

And since I'll be going
to Milroy in two years,

Mom's gonna take me
up to show me the campus.

You didn't tell me that.

What reunion is this, Lucy?

What year did you graduate?

I'm not gonna
tell you that either.

Oh...

Oh, gee, Aunt Viv, we're
gonna have a neat time.

- Yeah.
- Hey, why don't you go with us?

Oh, yeah. How about that, Viv?

Why don't you?

We're gonna have
a torchlight parade,

and there's a big rally
and a game Saturday

and a dance afterward.

Oh, I don't think so.

I'd rather stay home.

Why?

Why don't you go and
have some fun, Mom.

Jerry and I will be at Uncle
Ned's and you'll be all alone.

Sure. What are you
gonna do all weekend?

Well, to begin with, I'm
gonna sleep every day till noon.

- Ugh.
- And I'm gonna eat everything I like.

I think for dinner
the first night,

I'll have a big plate
of homemade fudge

in a bowl of sauerkraut.

Oh, Viv.

Come on, you'll have
a lot more fun at Milroy.

I defy you to top
what I just outlined.

Well, for one thing,
we can go to the game

and the dance with two
cute bachelor professors.

You topped it.

- Ah, Viv, you'll go.
- I'll go.

- We'll all go.
- I'm glad!

All right, listen, if
you're gonna go,

you both have to learn
some of the Milroy yells,

so you can get into the
spirit of the game. Sit down.

Okay. VIV: All right.

Now, this first yell I'm gonna
teach you is a wonderful one.

- It has 26 rahs at the end.
- Oh.

- Whoa.
- I'll do it,

- then you do it with me, okay?
- All right.

All right. Okay, gang.

Let's give 'em
the old Milroy ax!

Give 'em the ax!
Give 'em the ax!

Give 'em the ax! Where?

Right in the neck!
Right in the neck!

Right in the neck! There!

Give 'em the ax! The ax! The ax!

Give 'em the ax! The ax! The ax!

Give 'em the ax!
Give 'em the ax!

Give 'em the ax! Where?!

Right in the neck!
The neck! The neck!

Right in the neck!
The neck! The neck!

Right in the neck!
Right in the neck!

Right in the neck! There!

Yay, Milroy!

Yay... Milroy.

Rah, rah, rah, rah...

rah...

There's about 26 more rahs.

Oh, girl!

If they ask you to lead a yell,
you'll be the first cheerleader

ever carried off of
the field on a stretcher.

Rah, rah...

Oh...

Oh, Chrissy, isn't this
a beautiful campus?

Oh, I can't wait to come here.

And you know what?

In the springtime, all
these trees are in blossom.

Oh!

And see, honey, right over there

is where I lived on
campus my last year.

That's the senior women's hall.

I lived in the east wing.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yeah?

That's not the senior
women's hall anymore.

Oh?

No, it's a men's dorm.

Oh.

Sounds like you left
school too soon, Lucy.

Come on, honey.

And right over there is
Dean Bennett's house.

- Oh.
- And right now,

we are standing
right in front of

the most famous
landmark on campus.

This is the Milroy Bell Tower,

named after Zachary Milroy,
the founder of the university.

And usually...

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

Zachary Milroy's
statue is up there.

Well, who do you expect
to find on the Milroy Tower,

Leland Stanford?

No.

I mean, at homecoming,

the statue is always
stolen by one of the dorms.

It's tradition.

Hey.

How come you haven't
already swiped him?

What's happened to
your old dorm spirit?

Oh, Dean Bennett clamped
down again this year.

He said stealing Zachary is out.

Oh, he says that every year.

He never means it.

Oh, he sounded like
he meant it this time.

Well, he sounds like
he means it every time.

Look, this is your chance.

Go on, get him.
We'll stand guard.

- You can help them, Chris.
- Okay.

Go ahead.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- What?

Where are we gonna hide him?

The campus police
are all over the place.

Yeah, I know; good
spots are hard to find.

Let me think now.

I got it.

Under the porch of
the journalism building.

That's where I hid him
when I was a senior.

No, the journalism
building was torn down

the year after you left.

Oh.

Uh, what year was that, honey?

Never mind, Viv.

I know where we can hide him.

In the closet in our
room at the dorm.

They'll never suspect an
old grad of being in on this.

- Oh, that's a great idea!
- Wow, that's a wonderful idea!

- Come on, let's go.
- Okay.

- Now, be careful.
- Yeah, we will.

- Take it easy now.
- All right.

Now, Lucy, do you think you
should be encouraging this?

Oh, Viv, it's tradition.

You have got to steal
Zachary and hide him,

and then sneak him back

without having the
campus patrol catch you.

Why?

Because that's
part of the tradition.

Oh.

Well, what if the
campus police discover

that hot founder in our closet?

Oh, nobody ever
really tries to catch you.

The campus police
always look the other way.

Well, if nobody really cares,

and you aren't in any
danger of being caught,

what's the point of stealing
old Zach in the first place?

- It's tradition!
- It's tradition!

Hello.

I'm Lucille Taylor
Carmichael, class of, um...

Well, there's no point
in whispering, dear.

We're all in the same class.

Uh, what year was that, honey?

Never mind, Viv.

Come on, go mingle.

- Find Chris.
- Okay.

We decided to use name tags,

just in case we
couldn't remember

who we were after so many years.

Well, I'll recognize everybody.

After all, it hasn't been
that long, "Cuddles Conrad."

Cuddles Conrad?!

Yeah, that's me.

Oh, come have some coffee, Lucy.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Well, I-I...

Lucy!

Lucy Taylor, how are you?!

Well, hi.

I'm fine.

H-How are you, uh...

I'll be a son of a gun!

You look even prettier than
you did on graduation day.

Oh, well, let me tell you.

You're just as handsome

as you were back then,
too, Howard Wilcox.

Lucy, it sure is good
to see you again.

Thank you.

Lucy Taylor!

How are you?

Hi, there. How are you?

Oh, long time no see.

Yeah, long time no see is right.

Uh, oh, what a beautiful pompon.

- Thank you.
- Do you mind

- if I take a smell of your pompon?
- No, go ahead.

Oh, thank you, Betty Jo Hansen.

Oh, I didn't think
you'd remember me.

Are you kidding?

Not remember you? Oh!

Do you remember me?

Uh, Bill Lanset.

Bill Lanset, how is Flo and
your three lovely daughters?

I married Alice and
we have four sons.

Oh.

Lucy, do you remember this?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Oh, my gosh!

Can you still remember
how to play it, Lucy?

I don't know.

I haven't touched one in years.

Let's see.

♪ My dog has fleas. ♪

It's in tune. Let's see now.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, um...

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Bum, ba-da, ba-da-da-da ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my gal? ♪

♪ Turned up nose ♪

♪ Turned down hose ♪

♪ Flapper, yes,
sir, one of those ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my gal? ♪

♪ If you should run
into a five-foot-two ♪

♪ Covered with fur ♪

♪ Diamond rings
and all those things ♪

♪ Bet your life it isn't her ♪

♪ Could she love,
could she coo? ♪

♪ Could she, could
she, could she coo ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my gal? ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my gal? ♪

How about that?

Wow!

Oh!

Dean Bennett!

Well, who do we have here?

Oh, uh...

Lucille Taylor, of course.

Yes.

Well, excuse me for
looking at your name tag,

but it has been a
long time, hasn't it?

Oh, yes, sir, it has
been a long time.

- Oh, well...
- Excuse me, Dean Bennett.

I have a message for you.

- Oh, thank you very much.
- Oh, hi, darling.

Are you having a good time?

May I have your
attention, please?!

Everyone.

I have just learned
that somebody

has stolen the
statue of our founder

from the bell tower.

Well, uh, are they
still doing that?

Yes, they are!

In spite of the fact that I have

personally requested
the student body

to refrain from
such childish pranks.

But, Dean Bennett,
it's tradition!

I'm all for tradition, but
this is just nonsense.

Well, I'm sure whoever
took it will put it back,

and that's all
there will be to it.

That is not all
there will be to it.

- No?
- I intend to find out about this

once and for all.

And when I find out
who has taken that statue,

I intend to expel them.

Excuse me.

Oh, Mother, you
and your bright ideas.

I'm sorry, dear.

I had no idea it would
turn out this way.

I may become the
first coed in history

to be kicked out of college
while I'm still in high school.

Now, look, d-d-don't
worry. I'll fix everything.

Now, look, Chris,
you go on to the rally.

I don't want you any more
involved than you already are.

- Okay.
- Hey, come here.

- Come over here.
- Now?

Now, listen.

You and I have got
to sneak Zachary

back to that tower before
somebody finds him

in our room at the dorm.

We can't put that statue
back in broad daylight

with everybody looking for it.

Well, we can if he's
wearing a top coat and a hat.

Oh, yeah, if he's wearing
a topcoat and a hat.

- All right.
- Wait a minute.

Where're we gonna get
a man's coat and a hat?

Well, welcome to
our class reunion.

May I take your coat and hat?

Well, thank you.

Hey!

Aren't you Art McQuillen?

Well, that's right.

How about that!

I finally knew somebody!

Gee, I'm glad to see you, Art!

Well, I'm glad to
see you, too, Dorothy.

Come on, Sam.

I've never been so
embarrassed in my whole life.

Carrying this silly-looking
thing between us

all the way from the dorm.

Oh, Viv, nobody
thought a thing about it.

They assumed he was an old grad

who started celebrating
homecoming a little early.

Well, I wish this old grad

hadn't gotten so portly
through the years.

He weighs a ton!

Oh, come on. Remember,
we're doing this for Chris.

Oh, if you really wanted
to do something for Chris,

you'd have kept your mouth shut.

Oh, Viv. Stop grumbling.

Let's just get him
inside, for heaven's sake.

Come on, this way.

Hi, Lucy!

Oh, hi, uh, uh, uh, Howard.

Lucy, aren't you
going to the rally?

Oh, yeah, in a few minutes.

I got to take care of my friend.

I'm afraid he
started celebrating

our victory ahead of time.

- Can I help you with him?
- No, no, no.

His wife and I can handle him.

We'll see you at the rally.

All right.

Bye.

Bye, Howard.

His wife. You get me up here,

you promise me a cute bachelor,

and then you marry me
off to this pigeon roost.

All right, I couldn't tell
him he was my husband.

I graduated from this college.

I have a reputation to maintain.

- Oh...
- Now, come on.

Come on.

Oh, Viv, just stop
grumbling so much.

Lift him up.

Oh, dear.

Oh, whoops.

Stop kicking me.

Ugh, he's heavy... and clumsy.

Wait until I get the door open.

- Oh, wait a minute, Viv.
- All right.

All right, go, go
ahead, go first.

- Me?
- Yes.

Come on, drunk old boy.

Ow.

Don't go so fast, Viv.

All right. Now wait a minute.

Heavens.

Okay, I'll take his
hat and coat off.

A circular staircase yet.

Come on, let's go.

- All right?
- Now you get ahold of the head.

- All right.
- And then I'll lift up the back.

- You got it?
- Yep, I got it.

- Okay, go ahead.
- All right.

Up you go.

I just can't do it, Lucy.

You know I'm afraid of heights.

Afraid of heights?!

You're only on the first step!

Well, don't think just because
you got me going backwards,

I don't know that there's
four more flights up there.

Oh, come on.

Now, you know me
and my acrophobia.

Viv,

do you have any
idea what it's like

to have a best friend
who's a neurotic?

Well, you get yourself
another best friend,

and you'll make me the
happiest neurotic in the world.

Come on, let's go, huh?

Now, now, maybe try to turn him.

Let's see.

That's not going to work.

Luce, try... that's it.

All right, ready?

Go ahead.

He's stuck.

What do you mean he's stuck?

Oh, he wants to go that way.

All right, back up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, Lucy.

- All right, okay.
- Okay.

Up, raise him up, Viv.

Oh!

- Oh!
- Whoa!

Oh.

Okay.

All right.

All right, hold him there.

Hold him there?!

Stop complaining.

At least you got a
man in your arms.

Go ahead.

I can't, Lucy, it's stuck again.

Well, scrooch him a little.

The other way!

Well, you didn't say which way.

You'll have to be
a little more specific

about your scrooching, girl.

Oh, oh, Lucy, he's so heavy.

Oh, Viv.

Oh, dear.

Why did you have to go to a
college that had a fat founder?

I'll thank you to show a little
more respect for our founder.

Now, come on!

Stand up, Viv, and get going.

We're going to
be late for the rally.

Stand up!

You can't do it sitting down.

Hold on, now, Lucy.

I got him, I got him.

Oh, come on.

You get up there yourself first.

- Wait a minute now.
- Let's go sideways.

All the way, girl, all the way.

Hurry up, he's getting heavy!

All right, hold on, now.

Just hold him right there.

All right.

- Hold it right there.
- All right. Got it.

Okay. Come on.

Come on. Okay.

As fast as I can.

Oh.

Oh, it's so beautiful up here.

You can see the whole campus.

Lucy, it's so high!

Why did you do that?!

Don't yell at me!

I'll just bet he's broken
in a million pieces.

I hope he is.

Come on. Let's go get him.

You mean we have to
go all the way down there

and bring him all the
way back up here again?

Of course we do, and
we'd better hurry up.

Now, come on. It's almost 11:00.

You want me to hurry
back up those stairs?

Yes, I do.

I want to get to the
rally. Now, come on.

Viv, you had better
get down there

if you want to meet any
cute bachelor professors.

Oh, brother.

Oh, Lucy, I never
thought I'd ever say this,

but I almost wish
you'd been a dropout.

Oh, Viv!

Hang on, now, Viv.

Get way up at the top and
then I'll shove him up there.

- Oh!
- All right.

Okay, it's coming fine now.

Don't give up now.

Up you go, girl.

I... got him.

All right.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

All right, stand up.

You can't do it sitting down.

Oh, keep still!

How many times do I have
to tell you to get on your feet?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Viv.

I can't hold this
thing any longer.

I got him.

Oh! All right.

All right.

All right, all the way up there.

Okay.

Okay, now.

All right, now!

Now, we'll put him
over on his little platform.

Come on, go around
the bell this way.

We'll have to...

You know, I spent
more time with Zachary

than I did with my ex-husband?

Right here.

- Yeah.
- Now, you hold on

- up here like this.
- Yeah?

And I'll take his feet and
put him over the railing.

- All righty.
- You got it?

Go.

Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh!

Okay, wait a minute now.

Oh, lower him carefully.

Watch out for his hand.

Is he there?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Got him?
- Yeah.

Mission accomplished.

Thank goodness.

Oh, boy.

Come on. Let's go to the rally.

You think it's still going on?

It's almost 12:00, girl.

- Viv!
- What?

There's no handle on this door!

No handle on the door?!

Why did you close it?!

I didn't know there wasn't
any handle on the door!

Get it open! Get it open!

- I can't stand that sound!
- Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no! 12:00!

Oh, here.

Oh!

Oh!

Lu-Lu-Lu-Lu-Lu-Lucy...

Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-Wha-What?

This-this-this-this is a
fi-fine me-me-mess. Oh! Oh!

Let's not ye-ye-yell
at each other.

Ye-Ye-Yell over the side.

He-He-He-Help.

Oh, it won't do any good anyway.

They're-they-re all at
the ga-ga-ga-ga-game.

Oh, don't cry!

Oh, there now!

You're all worn out, honey!

Well, I must say it's
been quite a weekend.

So far, we've missed
the rally and the game,

and if my luck holds out,

we'll probably miss
the dance tonight.

Oh, now, Viv, we'll get out
of here in time for the dance.

I don't really care about
the dance anymore.

I just want to get out of
here before New Year's Eve.

Hey, I hear somebody
coming up the steps.

You don't!

- Hooray, we're saved!
- We're saved?

- They're coming up the steps!
- Somebody's coming? Oh!

Oh, boy, are we
glad to see you...

Dean Bennett.

Lucy, Lucy, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, we're all right.

Lucy, you missed a great game.

Really?

Yeah, we were worried sick.

Oh...

How did you know
we were up here?

Well, Dean Bennett suggested
that you might be up here.

Now look, Dean
Bennett, please, please,

my daughter Chris
and her friends

had nothing to do with this.

I did it all by myself,
so go on and expel me,

have my diploma revoked.

You can't touch me; I
went to Kansas State.

Now, now, le-let's
not get hasty.

After all, somebody might wonder

how I got a hunch that
this was where you were.

Yeah, come to think of it,

how did you think
to look up here?

Uh, we-we-well, when I was
in school and stole the statue,

there wasn't any handle
on that-that doorway, either.

You, you swiped Zachary?!

If you don't tell on
me, I won't tell on you.

- Is it a deal?
- It's a deal!

Oh, that's wonderful!

That's great.

Hey, what are you all
doing up here anyway?

Lucy, we haven't sung
the alma mater yet.

Yeah, and we wouldn't
sing without you

to lead us like you used to.

You want me to lead you?

Come on. Sing it now, Lucy.

Oh, no, no. I
haven't done it for...

Oh, no, I had no idea

we were going to
do that, so I'm not...

♪ Hail to ivy-covered Milroy ♪

♪ Lift your voice in song ♪

♪ In song ♪

♪ We will ne'er forget you... ♪

♪ Milroy! ♪

♪ Us to you belong ♪

♪ Long, long,
long, long, long! ♪

♪ Ever loyal, ever faithful,
we will be true blue ♪

♪ True... blue... ♪

♪ Shed a tear for times remem...

♪ ...bered! ♪

♪ All hail to you! ♪

Yeah!

Oh, that was wonderful!

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