The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 2, Episode 1 - Lucy Plays Cleopatra - full transcript
Lucy and Viv both want to play the lead of Cleopatra for an amateur production being directed by Professor Gitterman. Once a compromise is reached were Lucy would play the lead and Viv portraying Marc Antony, the girls both take t...
Starring Lucille Ball.
Costarring Vivian Vance.
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New in luxury.
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Hello!
Anybody here?
Oh, Professor Gitterman.
The one and only,
at your service.
Well, we... we're all ready
to start our
rehearsal for you, sir.
Oh, good.
I'm on a very tight
schedule tonight.
I have two voice
pupils waiting for me
- at my studio.
- Oh.
And then I'm to appear
tonight for the, uh...
uh, Danfield Literary
Society at 8:00.
An excerpt from my readings
from Cyrano de Bergerac.
Oh, well, we
certainly appreciate
your taking your
time to help us.
It's really wonderful of you.
Yes, isn't it? Shall
we commence?
Okay.
Okay, girls, here we go.
♪ Six little firehouse
flames are we ♪
- ♪ Lucy ♪ -♪ Franny ♪
- ♪ Viv, that's me ♪
- ♪ Audrey ♪ -♪ Colleen ♪
- ♪ Mary Lou ♪
♪ Here to entertain for you ♪
♪ Six little volunteers we are ♪
♪ Putting fires
out near and far ♪
♪ If your house
burns, just relax ♪
♪ We'll come
running with our ax ♪
♪ Say hooray and
give three cheers ♪
♪ For the Danfield Volunteers ♪
♪ Everything has come up roses ♪
♪ Thanks to you ♪
♪ We have new hoses ♪
♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ We hope you like our show ♪
♪ We're going to
dance and sing ♪
♪ And do most everything ♪
♪ And so we hope to please ♪
♪ With this year's Vanities ♪
♪ And now on with the show ♪
♪ Hello, hello ♪
♪ Hello, hello. ♪
Well, sir, that's our opening.
What did you think of "Hello"?
Good-bye.
What do you mean by that?
Now, then, we know the
number's a little rough,
but we've only been
rehearsing for five weeks.
All right, now, wait...
Girls, girls... we have asked
Professor Gitterman to come
here and help us with our show,
so let's please hear
what he has to say.
Professor,
what do you suggest we
do with the opening number?
Ladies, I don't
mean to be unkind,
but if you want my advice,
I would think that you should
abandon the whole project.
You mean not do
Volunteer Vanities?
Oh, now, we, we
have to do a show
to raise the money
for the fire department.
We need new
equipment desperately.
Wouldn't it be easier to
patch those leaky hoses?
Now, look, we've got to
put on some kind of a show.
The tickets are sold,
the auditorium is rented,
and people are
going to come in here,
and they're going to
expect to see something.
Oh, you're right.
The audience shouldn't
be disappointed.
- That's right.
- And they won't be.
I'll give my program of
readings from Cyrano.
We'll call it An Evening
With Professor Gitterman.
Well, uh, what'll
all of us get to do?
Sell tickets and usher?
Oh, would you?
Oh, well, perhaps we can
strike some happy compromise.
We can always do
one of the classics,
like, um, Antony and Cleopatra.
Yeah, that sounds interesting.
We can do the Gitterman version.
The Gitterman version?!
'Cause after reading
Shakespeare's version,
I could see there
was considerable work
- to be done.
- Well, uh,
are there any good
parts for women in it?
Oh, there are some
marvelous parts for women.
Why, there's Cleopatra,
and then there's Octavia...
That's Antony's wife...
Then there's Charmian and Iras
and Alexas and
Mardian, Diomedes...
- Oh, good.
- And there are two very prominent parts
for men, too: Antony and Caesar.
Oh! Maybe I could get Harvey
to play the part of Antony.
Lawrence Harvey?
My husband Harvey.
Who can we get to
play Caesar, huh?
Oh, yeah, that's
going to be a problem,
because all the other
husbands refused to have
anything to do with
the show, Mr. Gitterman.
"No!
"Make not your
thoughts your prisons:
"No, dear queen;
"Our care and pity
"is so much upon you
"That we remain your friend;
And so, adieu."
Say! Maybe you
could play Caesar.
Why didn't I think of that?!
Now, who will we
get to play Cleopatra?
Oh, Cleopatra, that's me!
If you're going to do Caesar,
you'll want somebody
- to really play Cleopatra.
- Ladies, ladies, please...
You just let me play that part
because you haven't acted
until you've acted with me.
L-Ladies, please.
I am the logical
one to play the lead.
How do you figure?
Because I am an
authority on Cleopatra.
How come?
Because I've seen
the movie 12 times.
She means the one
with Theda Bara.
Uh, ladies... Ladies?
Ladies, ladies...
Ladies? Ladies, ladies!
- Ladies, qu-qu-qu...
- That's a little before my time.
Quiet! Quiet, ladies.
- Please.
- I have seen Liz Taylor
in Cleopatra 12 times.
I'll send each of you
a copy of my play.
I will have tryouts right here
Saturday morning at 10:00.
Oh, well, wait a minute, girls.
I have an announcement to make.
Uh, I got a letter from
Commissioner McCullough
over in Ridgeberry, reminding me
that we haven't had
a fire drill all month.
So, uh...
so, sweet ladies,
heed my counsel.
Keep thy boots and thy
helmet near thy bedchamber.
And keep thy ax as
sharp as a serpent's tooth.
Lucy, what are you trying to do?
I was making an announcement.
You were trying to audition
ahead of everybody else.
- Mm-hmm.
- I was not.
I guess when you have a
feeling for Shakespeare,
it just bubbles out.
Yes. Well, I've got to be going.
I've got an appointment.
I'll see you all
Saturday morning.
Good night. Good night.
"Parting is such
sweet sorrow..."
"That I shall say good
night till it be morrow."
Well, go ahead,
change your clothes.
Rehearsal's over.
Hello. Commissioner McCullough?
This is Captain Carmichael
of the Danfield Volunteers.
Yes, about our having a
fire drill as soon as possible,
I think you're absolutely right.
If I may make a suggestion,
how about calling a drill
for this Saturday
morning at 10:00?
Oh, thank you, Commissioner.
Good-bye.
Would you read
that speech again?
"O Caesar,
"what a wounding
shame is this, that thou..."
- Uh... "wow-nding."
- What?
- Wow-nding.
- Wow-nding?!
Wow-nding.
"O Caesar,
what a wow-nding
sha..." Are you sure?
It's traditional. Wow-nding.
"O Caesar,
"what a wow-nding shame is this
that thou, vouchsafing here..."
Stop! You were right.
You have improved.
Oh, thank you!
Did I get the part?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, thank you! Thank you!
I have a very
important appointment.
I can't wait any longer.
- Oh, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes?
- Would you do me a very great favor?
- Of course.
If and when the other
ladies put in an appearance,
would you be good
enough to distribute
the minor roles as you see fit?
Oh, I'd be glad to.
Well, we'll have the
first rehearsal here
Monday night at 8:00 sharp.
Yeah, Monday night, 8:00...
- Sharp!
- Sharp. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Oh...
Well, Cleopatra!
What have you got
to say for yourself?
How do you know I got the part?
We met Professor Gitterman
outside and he told us.
Yes, he was very upset
you girls were late.
Where have you been?
You know perfectly
well where we've been.
- At the firehouse.
- For a fire drill that you called,
so we couldn't be here.
Listen, Lucy, about the play...
Oh, yes, yes.
The play!
Now, girls, girls,
Professor Gitterman has asked me
to cast the rest of the parts.
Oh, Lucy, speaking of casting,
my Harvey will not
do the part of Antony.
Why not?
He says he refuses to prance
around the stage in a dress.
It is not a dress, it's a toga.
I told Harvey that and
he said, "Toga, schmoga!
"I am not allowing
all of Danfield
to see how bowlegged I am."
Well, we'll just have
to get somebody else.
Now, let's see...
Audrey, you play Octavia,
- Antony's wife.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
And, uh, Franny, uh, you get
the plumb role of Charmian.
- Charmian?
- Yes, that's Cleopatra's first attendant.
- Well...
- It's very good.
- Mary Lou?
- Yes?
- You're Iras.
- Thank you.
And Colleen? Where are you?
- Here I am.
- Oh, uh, you play Alexas.
- Thank you.
- And, uh...
Viv, honey...
because you're so
talented and versatile,
you get to play three parts:
Mardian, Diomedes and Fulvia.
Okay, girls, that's it.
Rehearsal, 8:00...
Monday night and don't forget...
Uh, don't be late.
Well, Cleopatra Carmichael...
this is about the lowest
thing you've ever done.
Oh, now, Viv, don't
be such a poor loser.
Look at it this way,
you get a chance to play
three parts and I only play one.
Big deal.
I happen to know that Fulvia
dies before the play starts.
Yes, dear, but it is a key role.
The play can't
start until she dies.
I also know that the
combined speeches
of Mardian and Diomedes consists
of "Hark! Begone!" and "Fi!"
Now, look, those
speeches may seem short,
but they're at such key spots,
you hold the
whole play together.
Oh, come now, Lucy.
The asp has more
lines than I do.
Viv, I got a wonderful idea!
- I'll bet.
- No, no, no, really.
You are going to play Antony.
Antony?!
- Yeah.
- Oh, I can't play a man.
Why not? In Shakespeare's
day, the women's roles
were taken by men, so
why can't we do the reverse?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, now, Viv, listen.
It's such a, it's
such a big role,
and you get billing
above Cleopatra.
You know, Antony...
and Cleopatra.
Oh, Viv, come
on. Say you'll do it.
It's such a juicy part.
Remember, you get
to fall on your sword
and die a slow death.
How slow can it be?
How slow do you want it?
Four minutes?
You got it.
Four minutes?
That's right.
I'll do it.
Okay.
I come to Egypt, not alone
to conquer the valiant Antony,
but I confess, also,
to win thy heart,
O queen of the Nile.
O mighty Caesar,
you have conquered us both.
Mrs. Carmichael,
this is the theater,
and you're going
to have to project.
Those people in the back row
will want to hear
what you're saying.
Oh, well, you see, I thought,
since I'm about
to die in this scene,
that I would speak softly
because I'm so
unhappy, you know?
Well, not half so unhappy
as those people in the back row
who paid four
dollars for each seat.
All right, sir, I'll,
I'll try to speak up.
Thank you.
But I confess, also,
to win thy heart,
O queen of the Nile.
O mighty Caesar, you
have conquered us both!
I said project, not blast off.
I'm sorry, sir.
And so, farewell.
Farewell, brave Caesar.
Alas, when Caesar doth return,
this queen shall be dead.
The venom of this
foul reptile will h...
Okay, who's the wise guy?
I can't help it.
This is the only
snake I could find.
Well, you're going to
have to get another one.
I'll try.
Apparently, everybody's
doing Cleopatra.
This is the last asp in town.
Well, see what you can do.
The venom of the foul reptile
will have exacted
its morbid toll.
Antony, my noblest love.
Ere I do combat
with mighty Caesar
and lay down my life in
this most noble cause,
my aching heart cries
out, farewell, farewell.
'Tis but a brief
farewell, dear Antony.
A monstrous
reptile's deadly venom
e'en now winds its way
toward my broken heart.
O sweet queen...
I fall upon my sword
and join thee in sweet repose.
O Antony, speak to me
thy farewell words of love.
I am dying, Egypt, dying.
The venom is
gnawing at my vitals.
I, too, am dying.
O Queen, the end is near.
Alas...
we die together.
The end is near.
My spirit is going.
'Tis done.
The end is near.
How long does
it take you to die?
I am not going to
die until after you die.
Why should I die first?
Cleopatra's the star.
Well, Antony has
top billing, remember?
Antony and Cleopatra?
In Shakespeare, you
always die alphabetically.
You just made that up.
I did not make it up.
You've always got something
on the tip of your tongue.
Ladies. Ladies.
Ladies. La-La... Ladies.
Someone told me that,
who is an authority...
- La-La... Ladies. Ladies, please, please.
- Oh, come now.
- La-Ladies?
- Die alphabetically.
Ladies, pl-pl... please.
I'm waiting in the
wings for my entrance.
What seems to be the trouble?
I am not going to die
until after she dies.
Well, I'm not going
to die until she dies.
Ladies, please, you seem
to be forgetting something.
As soon as you both die,
I have my big soliloquy.
Also, once I start
to speak my lines,
you will both remain dead.
Dead, you understand?
Dead as an Egyptian doornail.
Oh.
Hail, Antony.
Know, my hearts, I
hope well to tomorrow,
and will lead you where
rather I'll expect victorious life
than death and honor.
Cleopatra approaches.
Come, give me ink and paper.
Antony shall have
each day a greeting.
Yea, my queen.
Here, my queen.
Did I, Charmian,
ever love Caesar so?
Nay, my queen.
Professor Gitterman
says if we keep this up,
we're gonna be Danfield's
answer to the Old Vic.
Ah.
Girls, girls, they just called!
We have to put out a fire.
- No!
- A fire?! -A fire?!
Where?
Eh, empty lot... in Cobb's Lane.
Oh!
Oh, for heaven's sake,
what a time to have a fire!
The play isn't finished!
We haven't played
our big dying scene yet.
- That doesn't matter. Come on!
- Oh!
Wait a minute... Audrey,
where did you say the fire was?
Cobb's Lane.
Now, look, you have
to drive the fire engine
past here to get to Cobb's Lane,
so you can pick Viv and
me up at the stage door.
Yup. By the time you get here,
we will have died,
and the play'll be over.
What about your uniforms?
Yeah, well, you get them, and
we'll put them on in the truck.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll be back in three minutes.
- Now, you girls hurry!
- Three minutes, okay!
- We'll hurry.
- Okay.
Gee, three minutes... do
you think we can die that fast?
I will if you will.
Okay, I will.
Alas, when Caesar doth return,
this queen shall be dead.
The venom of this foul reptile
will exact its morbid toll.
Antony, my noblest love...
My aching heart cries
out, "Farewell, farewell."
'Tis but a brief
farewell, dear Antony.
This monstrous
reptile's deadly venom
e'en now winds its way
toward my broken heart.
O sweet queen,
I fall upon my
sword and join thee
in sweet repose.
Oh, Antony, speak to me
thy farewell words of love.
I am dying, Egypt, dying.
The venom is
gnawing at my vitals.
I, too, am dying.
O sweet queen,
the end is near.
Alas, we die together.
Fare thee well, O queenly queen.
Now boast thee, death,
in thy possession lies
a lass unparallel'd.
The end is near!
She shall be buried
by her Antony.
My spirit is going!
My spirit is going.
'Tis done.
Fare thee well, O
queenly queen...
The end is near!
O Antony...
My spirit is going.
'Tis done. 'Tis done.
I must, perforce,
- have shown...
- The end
is near!
I must, perforce...
My spirit is going!
'Tis done.
Day as we who...
The end!
The end! The end is near.
Oh! Aah! Oh! Aah!
O young Antony,
who, with his own hands,
yea, with his own dagger,
has stabbed himself to death.
Dead! Dead! Dead!
Farewell... O queenly queen.
My spirit is going.
'Tis done. 'Tis done.
Can this be the
ghost of Cleopatra,
who, with her own hands, has
tamed this venomous reptile?
And...
Death...
Death, death for a docket.
Death.
But yet, let me lament
with tears as sovereign
- as the blood of hearts...
- The end is near!
That thou, my
brother, my competitor
in all design.
- My mate in empire,
- My spirit is going.
Friend and companion
in the front of war...
'Tis done. 'Tis done.
- The arm of mine own body...
- The end is near!
And this heart where mine
his thoughts did kindle...
My spirit is going.
'Tis done.
Our stars, they're
unreconcilable.
And believe,
Caesar's no merchant,
to make prize with you of
things that merchants sold.
Therefore be cheer'd.
Make not your thoughts
your prisons: no, dear queen...
The end is here!
Therefore, be cheer'd.
Make not your thoughts
your prisons: no, dear...
Psst, hey!
Come on! Hey!
Come, let's go! Come...!
Make not your thoughts
your prisons: no, dear queen;
For we intend to
dispose you as you...
Our care and pity
is so much upon you,
that we remain your friend.
Farewell, O noble queen!
Our army shall, in solemn show,
attend this funeral,
And then to Rome.
The venom of this foul reptile
e'en now winds
toward my broken heart.
What are you doing?
Isn't it obvious?
I'm washing my face with Lux.
And is that your file reptile?
Silly, you know this
is my Lux beauty soap.
Keeps my skin soft.
Oh.
My spirit is going.
'Tis done, 'tis done.
Why don't you go to bed?
I'm waiting for you
to use that Lux soap
where you need it
most... Around your eyes.
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New in luxury.
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Costarring Vivian Vance.
Brought to you by...
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New in luxury.
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New Lux.
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Hello!
Anybody here?
Oh, Professor Gitterman.
The one and only,
at your service.
Well, we... we're all ready
to start our
rehearsal for you, sir.
Oh, good.
I'm on a very tight
schedule tonight.
I have two voice
pupils waiting for me
- at my studio.
- Oh.
And then I'm to appear
tonight for the, uh...
uh, Danfield Literary
Society at 8:00.
An excerpt from my readings
from Cyrano de Bergerac.
Oh, well, we
certainly appreciate
your taking your
time to help us.
It's really wonderful of you.
Yes, isn't it? Shall
we commence?
Okay.
Okay, girls, here we go.
♪ Six little firehouse
flames are we ♪
- ♪ Lucy ♪ -♪ Franny ♪
- ♪ Viv, that's me ♪
- ♪ Audrey ♪ -♪ Colleen ♪
- ♪ Mary Lou ♪
♪ Here to entertain for you ♪
♪ Six little volunteers we are ♪
♪ Putting fires
out near and far ♪
♪ If your house
burns, just relax ♪
♪ We'll come
running with our ax ♪
♪ Say hooray and
give three cheers ♪
♪ For the Danfield Volunteers ♪
♪ Everything has come up roses ♪
♪ Thanks to you ♪
♪ We have new hoses ♪
♪ Hello, hello, hello ♪
♪ We hope you like our show ♪
♪ We're going to
dance and sing ♪
♪ And do most everything ♪
♪ And so we hope to please ♪
♪ With this year's Vanities ♪
♪ And now on with the show ♪
♪ Hello, hello ♪
♪ Hello, hello. ♪
Well, sir, that's our opening.
What did you think of "Hello"?
Good-bye.
What do you mean by that?
Now, then, we know the
number's a little rough,
but we've only been
rehearsing for five weeks.
All right, now, wait...
Girls, girls... we have asked
Professor Gitterman to come
here and help us with our show,
so let's please hear
what he has to say.
Professor,
what do you suggest we
do with the opening number?
Ladies, I don't
mean to be unkind,
but if you want my advice,
I would think that you should
abandon the whole project.
You mean not do
Volunteer Vanities?
Oh, now, we, we
have to do a show
to raise the money
for the fire department.
We need new
equipment desperately.
Wouldn't it be easier to
patch those leaky hoses?
Now, look, we've got to
put on some kind of a show.
The tickets are sold,
the auditorium is rented,
and people are
going to come in here,
and they're going to
expect to see something.
Oh, you're right.
The audience shouldn't
be disappointed.
- That's right.
- And they won't be.
I'll give my program of
readings from Cyrano.
We'll call it An Evening
With Professor Gitterman.
Well, uh, what'll
all of us get to do?
Sell tickets and usher?
Oh, would you?
Oh, well, perhaps we can
strike some happy compromise.
We can always do
one of the classics,
like, um, Antony and Cleopatra.
Yeah, that sounds interesting.
We can do the Gitterman version.
The Gitterman version?!
'Cause after reading
Shakespeare's version,
I could see there
was considerable work
- to be done.
- Well, uh,
are there any good
parts for women in it?
Oh, there are some
marvelous parts for women.
Why, there's Cleopatra,
and then there's Octavia...
That's Antony's wife...
Then there's Charmian and Iras
and Alexas and
Mardian, Diomedes...
- Oh, good.
- And there are two very prominent parts
for men, too: Antony and Caesar.
Oh! Maybe I could get Harvey
to play the part of Antony.
Lawrence Harvey?
My husband Harvey.
Who can we get to
play Caesar, huh?
Oh, yeah, that's
going to be a problem,
because all the other
husbands refused to have
anything to do with
the show, Mr. Gitterman.
"No!
"Make not your
thoughts your prisons:
"No, dear queen;
"Our care and pity
"is so much upon you
"That we remain your friend;
And so, adieu."
Say! Maybe you
could play Caesar.
Why didn't I think of that?!
Now, who will we
get to play Cleopatra?
Oh, Cleopatra, that's me!
If you're going to do Caesar,
you'll want somebody
- to really play Cleopatra.
- Ladies, ladies, please...
You just let me play that part
because you haven't acted
until you've acted with me.
L-Ladies, please.
I am the logical
one to play the lead.
How do you figure?
Because I am an
authority on Cleopatra.
How come?
Because I've seen
the movie 12 times.
She means the one
with Theda Bara.
Uh, ladies... Ladies?
Ladies, ladies...
Ladies? Ladies, ladies!
- Ladies, qu-qu-qu...
- That's a little before my time.
Quiet! Quiet, ladies.
- Please.
- I have seen Liz Taylor
in Cleopatra 12 times.
I'll send each of you
a copy of my play.
I will have tryouts right here
Saturday morning at 10:00.
Oh, well, wait a minute, girls.
I have an announcement to make.
Uh, I got a letter from
Commissioner McCullough
over in Ridgeberry, reminding me
that we haven't had
a fire drill all month.
So, uh...
so, sweet ladies,
heed my counsel.
Keep thy boots and thy
helmet near thy bedchamber.
And keep thy ax as
sharp as a serpent's tooth.
Lucy, what are you trying to do?
I was making an announcement.
You were trying to audition
ahead of everybody else.
- Mm-hmm.
- I was not.
I guess when you have a
feeling for Shakespeare,
it just bubbles out.
Yes. Well, I've got to be going.
I've got an appointment.
I'll see you all
Saturday morning.
Good night. Good night.
"Parting is such
sweet sorrow..."
"That I shall say good
night till it be morrow."
Well, go ahead,
change your clothes.
Rehearsal's over.
Hello. Commissioner McCullough?
This is Captain Carmichael
of the Danfield Volunteers.
Yes, about our having a
fire drill as soon as possible,
I think you're absolutely right.
If I may make a suggestion,
how about calling a drill
for this Saturday
morning at 10:00?
Oh, thank you, Commissioner.
Good-bye.
Would you read
that speech again?
"O Caesar,
"what a wounding
shame is this, that thou..."
- Uh... "wow-nding."
- What?
- Wow-nding.
- Wow-nding?!
Wow-nding.
"O Caesar,
what a wow-nding
sha..." Are you sure?
It's traditional. Wow-nding.
"O Caesar,
"what a wow-nding shame is this
that thou, vouchsafing here..."
Stop! You were right.
You have improved.
Oh, thank you!
Did I get the part?
- Yes, yes, yes.
- Oh, thank you! Thank you!
I have a very
important appointment.
I can't wait any longer.
- Oh, Mrs. Carmichael.
- Yes?
- Would you do me a very great favor?
- Of course.
If and when the other
ladies put in an appearance,
would you be good
enough to distribute
the minor roles as you see fit?
Oh, I'd be glad to.
Well, we'll have the
first rehearsal here
Monday night at 8:00 sharp.
Yeah, Monday night, 8:00...
- Sharp!
- Sharp. Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
Oh...
Well, Cleopatra!
What have you got
to say for yourself?
How do you know I got the part?
We met Professor Gitterman
outside and he told us.
Yes, he was very upset
you girls were late.
Where have you been?
You know perfectly
well where we've been.
- At the firehouse.
- For a fire drill that you called,
so we couldn't be here.
Listen, Lucy, about the play...
Oh, yes, yes.
The play!
Now, girls, girls,
Professor Gitterman has asked me
to cast the rest of the parts.
Oh, Lucy, speaking of casting,
my Harvey will not
do the part of Antony.
Why not?
He says he refuses to prance
around the stage in a dress.
It is not a dress, it's a toga.
I told Harvey that and
he said, "Toga, schmoga!
"I am not allowing
all of Danfield
to see how bowlegged I am."
Well, we'll just have
to get somebody else.
Now, let's see...
Audrey, you play Octavia,
- Antony's wife.
- Oh, that's not so bad.
And, uh, Franny, uh, you get
the plumb role of Charmian.
- Charmian?
- Yes, that's Cleopatra's first attendant.
- Well...
- It's very good.
- Mary Lou?
- Yes?
- You're Iras.
- Thank you.
And Colleen? Where are you?
- Here I am.
- Oh, uh, you play Alexas.
- Thank you.
- And, uh...
Viv, honey...
because you're so
talented and versatile,
you get to play three parts:
Mardian, Diomedes and Fulvia.
Okay, girls, that's it.
Rehearsal, 8:00...
Monday night and don't forget...
Uh, don't be late.
Well, Cleopatra Carmichael...
this is about the lowest
thing you've ever done.
Oh, now, Viv, don't
be such a poor loser.
Look at it this way,
you get a chance to play
three parts and I only play one.
Big deal.
I happen to know that Fulvia
dies before the play starts.
Yes, dear, but it is a key role.
The play can't
start until she dies.
I also know that the
combined speeches
of Mardian and Diomedes consists
of "Hark! Begone!" and "Fi!"
Now, look, those
speeches may seem short,
but they're at such key spots,
you hold the
whole play together.
Oh, come now, Lucy.
The asp has more
lines than I do.
Viv, I got a wonderful idea!
- I'll bet.
- No, no, no, really.
You are going to play Antony.
Antony?!
- Yeah.
- Oh, I can't play a man.
Why not? In Shakespeare's
day, the women's roles
were taken by men, so
why can't we do the reverse?
- Oh, I don't know.
- Oh, now, Viv, listen.
It's such a, it's
such a big role,
and you get billing
above Cleopatra.
You know, Antony...
and Cleopatra.
Oh, Viv, come
on. Say you'll do it.
It's such a juicy part.
Remember, you get
to fall on your sword
and die a slow death.
How slow can it be?
How slow do you want it?
Four minutes?
You got it.
Four minutes?
That's right.
I'll do it.
Okay.
I come to Egypt, not alone
to conquer the valiant Antony,
but I confess, also,
to win thy heart,
O queen of the Nile.
O mighty Caesar,
you have conquered us both.
Mrs. Carmichael,
this is the theater,
and you're going
to have to project.
Those people in the back row
will want to hear
what you're saying.
Oh, well, you see, I thought,
since I'm about
to die in this scene,
that I would speak softly
because I'm so
unhappy, you know?
Well, not half so unhappy
as those people in the back row
who paid four
dollars for each seat.
All right, sir, I'll,
I'll try to speak up.
Thank you.
But I confess, also,
to win thy heart,
O queen of the Nile.
O mighty Caesar, you
have conquered us both!
I said project, not blast off.
I'm sorry, sir.
And so, farewell.
Farewell, brave Caesar.
Alas, when Caesar doth return,
this queen shall be dead.
The venom of this
foul reptile will h...
Okay, who's the wise guy?
I can't help it.
This is the only
snake I could find.
Well, you're going to
have to get another one.
I'll try.
Apparently, everybody's
doing Cleopatra.
This is the last asp in town.
Well, see what you can do.
The venom of the foul reptile
will have exacted
its morbid toll.
Antony, my noblest love.
Ere I do combat
with mighty Caesar
and lay down my life in
this most noble cause,
my aching heart cries
out, farewell, farewell.
'Tis but a brief
farewell, dear Antony.
A monstrous
reptile's deadly venom
e'en now winds its way
toward my broken heart.
O sweet queen...
I fall upon my sword
and join thee in sweet repose.
O Antony, speak to me
thy farewell words of love.
I am dying, Egypt, dying.
The venom is
gnawing at my vitals.
I, too, am dying.
O Queen, the end is near.
Alas...
we die together.
The end is near.
My spirit is going.
'Tis done.
The end is near.
How long does
it take you to die?
I am not going to
die until after you die.
Why should I die first?
Cleopatra's the star.
Well, Antony has
top billing, remember?
Antony and Cleopatra?
In Shakespeare, you
always die alphabetically.
You just made that up.
I did not make it up.
You've always got something
on the tip of your tongue.
Ladies. Ladies.
Ladies. La-La... Ladies.
Someone told me that,
who is an authority...
- La-La... Ladies. Ladies, please, please.
- Oh, come now.
- La-Ladies?
- Die alphabetically.
Ladies, pl-pl... please.
I'm waiting in the
wings for my entrance.
What seems to be the trouble?
I am not going to die
until after she dies.
Well, I'm not going
to die until she dies.
Ladies, please, you seem
to be forgetting something.
As soon as you both die,
I have my big soliloquy.
Also, once I start
to speak my lines,
you will both remain dead.
Dead, you understand?
Dead as an Egyptian doornail.
Oh.
Hail, Antony.
Know, my hearts, I
hope well to tomorrow,
and will lead you where
rather I'll expect victorious life
than death and honor.
Cleopatra approaches.
Come, give me ink and paper.
Antony shall have
each day a greeting.
Yea, my queen.
Here, my queen.
Did I, Charmian,
ever love Caesar so?
Nay, my queen.
Professor Gitterman
says if we keep this up,
we're gonna be Danfield's
answer to the Old Vic.
Ah.
Girls, girls, they just called!
We have to put out a fire.
- No!
- A fire?! -A fire?!
Where?
Eh, empty lot... in Cobb's Lane.
Oh!
Oh, for heaven's sake,
what a time to have a fire!
The play isn't finished!
We haven't played
our big dying scene yet.
- That doesn't matter. Come on!
- Oh!
Wait a minute... Audrey,
where did you say the fire was?
Cobb's Lane.
Now, look, you have
to drive the fire engine
past here to get to Cobb's Lane,
so you can pick Viv and
me up at the stage door.
Yup. By the time you get here,
we will have died,
and the play'll be over.
What about your uniforms?
Yeah, well, you get them, and
we'll put them on in the truck.
- Yeah.
- All right, I'll be back in three minutes.
- Now, you girls hurry!
- Three minutes, okay!
- We'll hurry.
- Okay.
Gee, three minutes... do
you think we can die that fast?
I will if you will.
Okay, I will.
Alas, when Caesar doth return,
this queen shall be dead.
The venom of this foul reptile
will exact its morbid toll.
Antony, my noblest love...
My aching heart cries
out, "Farewell, farewell."
'Tis but a brief
farewell, dear Antony.
This monstrous
reptile's deadly venom
e'en now winds its way
toward my broken heart.
O sweet queen,
I fall upon my
sword and join thee
in sweet repose.
Oh, Antony, speak to me
thy farewell words of love.
I am dying, Egypt, dying.
The venom is
gnawing at my vitals.
I, too, am dying.
O sweet queen,
the end is near.
Alas, we die together.
Fare thee well, O queenly queen.
Now boast thee, death,
in thy possession lies
a lass unparallel'd.
The end is near!
She shall be buried
by her Antony.
My spirit is going!
My spirit is going.
'Tis done.
Fare thee well, O
queenly queen...
The end is near!
O Antony...
My spirit is going.
'Tis done. 'Tis done.
I must, perforce,
- have shown...
- The end
is near!
I must, perforce...
My spirit is going!
'Tis done.
Day as we who...
The end!
The end! The end is near.
Oh! Aah! Oh! Aah!
O young Antony,
who, with his own hands,
yea, with his own dagger,
has stabbed himself to death.
Dead! Dead! Dead!
Farewell... O queenly queen.
My spirit is going.
'Tis done. 'Tis done.
Can this be the
ghost of Cleopatra,
who, with her own hands, has
tamed this venomous reptile?
And...
Death...
Death, death for a docket.
Death.
But yet, let me lament
with tears as sovereign
- as the blood of hearts...
- The end is near!
That thou, my
brother, my competitor
in all design.
- My mate in empire,
- My spirit is going.
Friend and companion
in the front of war...
'Tis done. 'Tis done.
- The arm of mine own body...
- The end is near!
And this heart where mine
his thoughts did kindle...
My spirit is going.
'Tis done.
Our stars, they're
unreconcilable.
And believe,
Caesar's no merchant,
to make prize with you of
things that merchants sold.
Therefore be cheer'd.
Make not your thoughts
your prisons: no, dear queen...
The end is here!
Therefore, be cheer'd.
Make not your thoughts
your prisons: no, dear...
Psst, hey!
Come on! Hey!
Come, let's go! Come...!
Make not your thoughts
your prisons: no, dear queen;
For we intend to
dispose you as you...
Our care and pity
is so much upon you,
that we remain your friend.
Farewell, O noble queen!
Our army shall, in solemn show,
attend this funeral,
And then to Rome.
The venom of this foul reptile
e'en now winds
toward my broken heart.
What are you doing?
Isn't it obvious?
I'm washing my face with Lux.
And is that your file reptile?
Silly, you know this
is my Lux beauty soap.
Keeps my skin soft.
Oh.
My spirit is going.
'Tis done, 'tis done.
Why don't you go to bed?
I'm waiting for you
to use that Lux soap
where you need it
most... Around your eyes.
The Lucy Show was
brought to you by...
new Lux.
New in shape.
New in luxury.
It softens as it cleanses.
New Lux.
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