The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 30 - Lucy Buys a Boat - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Are you reading
the want ads again?

Yeah, and there sure are a
lot of bargains here this week.

I never saw anyone get
such a kick out of reading

the classified ads.



Well, one of these days,

I'm going to find
something we can really use.

Aha!

I found it!

Found what?

The thing we can really use.

Oh, boy.

This is going to make this
the best summer we ever spent.

Someone wants to
sell two bachelors?

No, Viv.

Someone wants to
sell a 26-foot sailboat.

And that's your idea of
something we can use?

Listen to this... "Answer
the call of the seven seas.

"An unforgettable adventure
for your whole family.



"For Sale: 26-foot sailboat,

"sleeps five, large galley,
complete with trailer.

Only $100 down."

What good does that do us?

I thought we were going to rent
a cottage at the lake as usual.

Oh, for heavens sake, Viv.

Look, instead of throwing
all that money away on rent,

we'll invest in a boat.

We'll sleep on it.

We'll spend the whole
summer on the lake...

Fishing and sailing
and sunbathing.

We don't know
anything about sailing.

Well, maybe you don't, but I do.

When I was a little girl, I
practically lived on boats.

I can teach you and
the kids how to sail.

Oh, I don't know, Lucy.

I'd rather take a
cottage at the lake.

I'm afraid I'm just a
landlubber at heart.

Oh, here we have a chance
to do something exciting

and all you want
to do is sit around

on the same old land and lubber.

I can't help it, I think the
boat is a crazy scheme.

Well, all right, Viv, if that's
the way you feel about it.

Go ahead, take the cottage.

Thanks.

And I'll take the boat.

Now you know I can't
afford a cottage all by myself.

Okay then, the boat it is.

I'll call the man right now.

Oh, brother, I'll bet
this is the first time

anybody's been
shanghaied on a lake.

See?

How about that?

Get up there, boys.

Well, there she is, Viv.

What do you think of her?

I think she ought to
be ashamed of herself.

Oh, now, she'll be fine
once we get her all fixed up.

Now, the first thing we should
do is give our boat a name.

The first thing we should do

is look inside and see if
there are any survivors.

Oh, now, Viv.

Hey, this is neat.

Wait till you see
the downstairs.

That's called "below," Sherman.

Hey, I wonder if there
are any pirates around.

Only the one who sold
your mother this boat.

Viv, why do you have
to be so negative?

Mom, this is so embarrassing.

What's embarrassing?

Well, I told my friends
we were getting a yacht.

Chris, any boat that's used
for pleasure is called a yacht.

This is a very little yacht.

Which will give us
very little pleasure.

Lucy, will you tell
me something?

When you saw the shape
this was in, why did you buy it?

When I looked at it,
the hull was in the water,

and I didn't have
Lloyd Bridges with me.

Well, let's face it...
This is an old wreck.

It is not a wreck
and it is not old.

I bought it from
the original owner.

I believe you.

I wonder if he was
standing where you are

when he discovered America.

Mom, can we pull up the sails?

All right, we'll hoist
the mainsail, men.

Here we go now.

Keep an eye out...

Well, I didn't see those either.

The man had 'em all rolled up.

Whoo, whoosh.

Listen, are you going
to stand around griping,

or are you going to pitch
in and help fix this boat up?

Oh, okay.

What do we have to do?

Well, we've got
to mend the sails,

we've got to sand down the hull,

we've got to strip
the paint off the mast

and we have to varnish it again,

we have to polish the brass, and
we have to caulk up the seams.

And give it a shave.

Look, sailor, we've
got a lot of work to do,

so heave to and start
scraping those barnacles.

Lucy, would you
tell me something?

What?

Why is it that you're
always the captain

and I'm always the crew?

Come now, let's not
slap it on like that.

Let's make strokes
like an artist.

You have to go with the grain.

Aye, aye, sir.

Whoo, shoo.

Avast there, mate.

What do you think you're doing?

Well, I thought I'd
rest my weary bones,

if it's all right with
you, Captain Bligh.

Now, why don't you heave
to and finish that boom

before you take a break?

Oh, heave to yourself.

Watch it, sailor.

Mom, I feel like a rest, too.

My fingers are tired.

I'm tired, too.

Sanding is hard work.

You'd better give
us a rest, Captain,

or you're going to
have your first mutiny.

Boy, the crews you have
to ship out with these days.

Well, okay.

Now hear this,
all hands at ease.

Say, Chris, while
you're resting,

will you go downtown,
take the boys,

get some brass
polish, and kapok.

Kapok? What for?

All the cushions on the
boat need re-stuffing.

Of course they do. Come
on now... on the double.

On the double.

I like to run a taut ship.

A taut ship is a happy ship.

Oh, go shiver your timbers.

Watch it, sailor.

Hey, I felt a drop of rain. So?

So, we've got to get
this mast under cover.

Don't tell me you bought a
sailboat that we can't get wet?

If the mast gets wet,
the varnish won't dry.

And just where are we
going to put a 35-foot mast?

In the house.

In the house?

Unless you happen to have
a 35-foot umbrella handy.

Come on, get a
hold of the other end.

On the double. On the double.

All right, follow me.

And all I wanted to
do was to go to the lake

and lie in a hammock.

Hold it.

All right, dead ahead.

Okay.

Careful.

Don't touch the sides.

Oh, hold it.

Back up.

Now straighten it out.

I can't straighten it out...

The oak tree's in the way.

Can't you scrunch around it?

Lucy, hundred-year-old
oak trees don't scrunch.

All right, back up.

Careful now.

All the way back.

Let's go, sailor, on the double.

All right, full steam ahead.

All right, come on, here we go.

Straight ahead.

Hold it.

Okay, just a minute now.

All right, straight ahead.

Careful.

Lift it up.

What happened?

You broke a window.

I broke a window?!

Well, don't worry.

Accidents will happen.

Back up.

Hold it a minute.

Back up.

All the way.

Let's get a move on, sailor.

Hold it.

Back up.

All right, full steam ahead.

All right, hold it.

Go straight ahead.

Into the bushes there.

Now go around.

Come on, on the double, sailor.

Straight ahead.

There it is.

What do you mean "There it is."

I'm still out here
in the bushes.

Just a minute.

All right, go ahead.

What happened?

We're even.

All right, put it down.

Oh, boy, I'm tired.

Whoosh. Me, too.

I'm beginning to feel sorry
that I signed up for this crew.

Hello.

Oh, Hello, Mr. Hussey.

Oh, we've been working on
her for days and she's really yare.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hussey.

Great news, Viv.

Mr. Hussey says that
we have a mooring...

We can put the boat in
the water on Saturday.

You have made an
old WAVE very happy.

Oh, boy.

Isn't she a snug little craft?

Doesn't she float like a dream?

Couldn't she float without
rocking back and forth so much?

If it's going to rock like
this while we're still tied up

to the dock, what's
it going to be like

when we get out on
the lake tomorrow?

Oh, you just haven't
got your sea legs yet.

It's not my sea legs I'm worried
about... it's my sea stomach.

Don't you worry. Every...

What are you going
to do with that chair?

I brought that chair from home.

What on earth for?

Because there isn't
a comfortable place

to sit on this tub!

Lucy, what's that?!

Nothing.

A large motor boat probably
went by in the middle of the lake

and the waves finally got to us.

Do you mind if I take the
bunk that's closest to the dock?

I don't care.

Hey, Viv, what
are these pills for?

They're to prevent seasickness.

My gosh! You've got enough
here to supply the Queen Mary.

You know me. I'm not
taking any chances.

Hey, you know what? We
never did get a name for the boat.

What do you think
we ought to call her?

Oh, good heavens!

Maybe we'd better
name the boat after you...

"Chicken of the Sea"!

Listen, if you're going out
to get anything out of the car,

take that thing off.

What would people
think if they saw you

in a life jacket while we're
still tied up at the dock?

I'm not so sure we are
still tied up to the dock.

It doesn't feel like it.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Viv.

Look, there's the dock,
way back there on the shore.

We're adrift!

I knew it! I knew it!

We're out in the
middle of the lake!

I don't understand it.

I tied it with a half-hitch.
That's my best knot.

Oh...

I knew my half-hitch
wouldn't come untied.

Look, the rope broke.

Oh, oh, oh, help!

Help!

Take it easy. Take it easy.

All we have to do is hoist the
sails and head for the shore.

What'd you do with the sails

when you took them
out of the back of the car?

What'd you do with the sails?

Didn't you take them
out of the back of the car?

Didn't you?!

Lucy, do you know
how to start the motor?

There is no motor!

No motor?! Why not?

People who believe in
sailing don't have motors!

Don't people who believe
in sailing believe in living?!

Help!

Viv, Viv, now, listen to me.

This is no time to panic!

Do you know a better time?!

We're going to drift out to sea

and we'll never
be heard of again!

Oh, Viv, it's a little hard

to drift out to sea
on an inland lake.

Don't get technical.
We're still adrift.

All right, now, just calm down.

All we have to do
is wait until morning.

The lake patrol will find us.

They'll come out here
and they'll tow us in.

Now take it easy.

I'll go out and
throw out the anchor.

Yeah.

There. Anchor's out. All secure!

Swell.

Come on, cheer up, Viv.

The boat isn't going to sink.

The way I feel, I wish it would.

Oh, you're just being
ridiculous, that's all.

Come on now.

I'm not being ridiculous, Lucy.

I'm queasy. I think
I'm going to be sick.

Oh, now, see here, sailor.

You are not going to be sick.

I'm your captain
and that's an order!

Here, take two pills.

Uh, Lucy...

Take them. Take
them. Swallow them.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

All right, all right, all right.

All right, Viv.

Now, look, it's all right.

Now, why don't we take
our minds off our trouble?

What would you like for dinner?

Could I have two
more seasick pills?

Oh, no, you can't.
They make you sleepy.

We've got to keep
our wits about us.

Now, how would you like
some pickled pigs feet?

Maybe some, uh...
chicken chow mein.

How does that sound?

Or wieners and sauerkraut?

Oh, meat balls. How's that?

♪ Oh, sailing sailing ♪

♪ Over the bounding main... ♪

Ah.

Lucy. What?

I can't sleep in that bunk.

You know me and
my claustrophobia.

That bunk is too
long and narrow.

It's close to the ceiling.

Well, you'll get used to it.

Why should I,

unless I'm going to join
the submarine service?

Boy, I'm sleepy!

Oh, this is swell.

You're too sleepy to sit up
and too neurotic to lie down!

Viv, why don't you
look on the bright side?

At least you're not
seasick anymore.

When I want to look on the
bright side, I'll let you know.

I'm going to try to go
to sleep in my chair.

I don't know what could
be wrong with those bunks.

We tried them at home
and they were fine.

Well, try one now that
we're on the high seas.

All right, I will.

Well, Viv, I hate to admit it,

but it is kind of
close in there.

I felt like I was lying
in a dresser drawer.

Hey, are you sure you
don't want something to eat?

Huh?

You sure you don't want
something to eat, Viv?

It must have been that
second pill that did it.

Viv, wake up!

Viv, wake up!

Hey, Viv!

Viv! Wake...

Viv!

We're in a squall!
Come on, wake up, Viv.

Sheesh!

Oh, boy.

Viv? Wake up. It's morning.

Viv, wake up! It's morning!

Oh...

Boy, I've got to hand
it to those seasick pills.

I slept all night
in my chair and...

I didn't even move.

Yeah, well, thank
goodness it is morning,

'cause now all we have to
do is wait for the lake patrol

to find us and then
everything's going to be fine.

We've sprung a leak!

Lucy, we sprung a
leak! What do we do?

There's no need for alarm, Viv.

Huh? Oh...

Oh, this is a fine mess.
What are we going to do now?

We'd better prepare
to abandon ship!

Man the life boats!

Man the lifeboats?!
There isn't any lifeboats!

Oh, well, put on
your life jacket!

This is the only one!

Where's mine?

This is the only one there is.

Let me in there with
you, then! Nothing doing!

Come on, Viv! No, I won't!

Viv, let me in
there with you! No!

What am I supposed to do?

You're the captain.

You're supposed to
go down with the ship!

That's the lake patrol!

That's the lake patrol!

Hooray! Here we are!

Here we are! S.O.S.

Here we are! S.O.S.

See, Viv? Everything
turned out okay!

Oh, what do you mean
everything turned out?

We're still stuck
with this leaky sieve!

I'm never going to...
There's another one!

Lucy!

Don't worry. I'll run an ad.

I'll sell the boat and
get our money back.

Oh... Help! Help! S.O.S.!

This does it, Chris.

We've unloaded all the
supplies from the boat.

Oh, good.

These bars of Lux
go in the linen closet.

All this soap?

Where did our mothers
think we were going to sail?

Ladies who want
soft, smooth skin

always like to have plenty
of Lux Beauty Soap on hand.

Even on board a ship?

A boat.

I can see it now...

"Don't sail yet,
Captain Columbus.

We haven't got
the Lux on board."

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