The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 2 - Lucy Digs Up a Date - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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Hi, Mom! Hello, Chris.

Mom, there's the greatest dress
in the window at Grindstaff's.

It's beige chiffon
with little tiny straps.

It'd be perfect for you
to wear to that dance

you're going to Saturday night.



Well, thanks, honey, but
I can't afford a new dress.

And anyway, I
don't think I'm going.

Oh, why not?

Because I haven't a
single thing to wear

and besides, I think
it's going to be boring.

Oh, you don't have
a date yet, huh?

How did you know?

That's what I always say
when I don't have a date.

That must be where I heard it.

I don't understand it.

You're so pretty
and so much fun...

I'd think the men would
be beating your door down.

I don't understand it either.

Maybe I should loosen my hinges.



Hi, Chris!

Hi!

Hey, Viv, have you snagged
a date for Saturday night yet?

Well, actually, there were so
many men who wanted to take me

that rather than play favorites,
I decided not to go at all.

That way nobody gets hurt.

Hey, that's a good one.

I'll use it next time
I don't have a date.

I wish I could help
you find somebody,

but the only men
I know are boys.

I sure wish you were younger.

That makes three of us.

Viv, you know I'm so tired of
worrying about getting a date

for Saturday night, I
don't even want to go.

Listen, we paid ten dollars
a ticket for that dance,

and we're gonna go to
it if I have to rent a tux

and lead all evening.

Well, that sounds charming.

The trouble with us, Lucy,

we're just not trying to
get dates. Not trying?!

We've done everything but
loiter in the lobby of the YMCA.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

Oh, come on.

I'll go get my address book.

There must be
somebody we forgot.

I hope so.

Well, hi, Jerry.

Hi.

What's the matter?

It's Old Man Taylor.

Who's "Old Man Taylor"?

My new teacher.

He gave me a "D" in arithmetic.

Oh, dear.

Just when you were doing
so well with Mrs. Lucas.

Yeah.

Why'd she have to
go and have a baby

right in the middle
of long division?

Well, honey,

if you're having trouble with
your arithmetic I'll help you.

Old Man Taylor's the
toughest teacher I ever had.

Yeah, well, I'm sure if you
work harder, you'll do better.

I wish he'd have
a baby and quit.

Hi, Jerry!

Hi, Aunt Viv!

Any luck?

Well, there's something
here in the front of the book

that might be interesting.

It's a number and
it's got "R.B." by it.

Who do I know with
the initials "R.B."?

Why don't you call and find out?

"R.B."...

Oh, I knew a cute fellow once.

His name was Ronnie Belmont.

Oh, it might be him.

No, maybe it's, uh, Rudy Brown.

I think he's still single.

Well, why don't you call?

What have you got to lose? Okay.

Why not?

R.B...

I wonder who it is.

Maybe it's Richard Burton.

Hey, wouldn't that be nice.

Uh-huh.

Well, who is it?

Who's R.B.?

Ralph Bagley... my ex-husband.

Well now, let's just
sit down and think.

This is getting crucial.

Is it crucial enough
to ask Harry Connors?

Look, every time I need a date,
I ask poor old Harry next door.

Now I made up my mind this
time I am just not going to do it.

You're right.

You should hold out for
somebody new and exciting.

You want to ask Harry?

What's the matter with me?

Don't I get somebody
new and exciting, too?

All right, somebody new
and exciting for both of us.

Okay.

Too bad about
Harry... He's so handy.

I know.

But I wouldn't ask Harry if
he was the last man on earth,

and I'm beginning
to think he is.

The dance is Saturday night.

Yeah, well...

Okay, I understand. Bye.

What are you all dressed up for?

I called Jerry's
teacher, Old Man Taylor,

to discuss Jerry's arithmetic,
and he's dropping by.

Oh.

Who were you talking
to on the phone?

Eddie, about a date.

Is he going?

Well, it's kind of "iffy".

If he's in town,

and if he hasn't got
a client to entertain,

he may take me... if I
can't find anybody else.

Well, that sounds romantic.

Oh, that must be Old Man Taylor.

You won't need me, honey.

I'll go start dinner.

Okay.

Hello. Is this the
Carmichael house?

I'm Mrs. Carmichael.

I'm Henry Taylor.

Jerry's teacher.

Old Man Taylor?!

Oh... Well, won't you come in?

Thank you very much.

Won't you sit down?

Ah. Now, Mrs.
Carmichael, about Jerry...

Jerry who?

Your son, Jerry Carmichael.

Oh, that Jerry.

Yeah, what about him?

You know, about his arithmetic.

His... arithmetic?

Yeah...

Oh. Oh, yes. What about it?

He's not doing very well.

Oh?

Mr. Taylor, would, would

you excuse me for a moment?

Certainly.

Come and look at Old Man Taylor!

Whoa!

If that's an old man,

I'm joining the Senior Citizens.

Isn't he cute?

Did you ask him for
a date to the dance?

Oh, no.

He came to talk about Jerry.

I don't know how to
bring up the dance.

If you don't, I do.

Now just a minute. Let me think.

Let's see now.

Why couldn't I just
go in there and say,

"Mr. Taylor, how would you like

to take me someplace
Saturday night?"

What's the worst
thing he could say?

I'll have to ask my wife.

Yeah, that's right.

For all I know, he may
have a wife and six kids.

He might.

He looks single.

That doesn't mean a thing.

Ralph looked single the
entire time we were married.

Hey, did he have
on a wedding ring?

I didn't notice.
That's a good idea.

Now then, Mr. Taylor,
where were we?

Well, we were talking

about Jerry's arithmetic grades.

Oh, yeah. There does seem

to be a problem, doesn't there?

Oh, I don't think there's
any cause for alarm.

I just think that he
has to apply himself.

And we are going
to disallow that "D"

that he received.

You see, I've only been
here a couple of weeks

from San Francisco,

and I've been trying to
find out exactly how far

Mrs. Lucas got with the class.

Is, uh, is anything the
matter, Mrs. Carmichael?

No, no, nothing's the matter,

it's just that when my son
has problems, I-I get nervous.

Well, I don't think you have
a single thing to worry about.

Good.

Catch!

You see, I always test my-my
son's arithmetic teachers.

I test their reflexes.

Uh-huh. I see.

Well, perhaps I'd better be
running along, Mrs. Carmichael.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Taylor.

There's something
I want to ask you.

What is it?

Mr. Taylor, are you...

maybe interested in coffee?

Well, that would be very nice

if it isn't too much trouble.

No. No trouble at all.

He isn't wearing a wedding ring!

Did you ask him
to go to the dance?

No, not yet. Do you
have some coffee?

Sure.

Lucy? What?

I just happened to think.

If a man is wearing
a wedding ring,

it means he's married,

but if he isn't wearing one,
it doesn't mean he's single.

Well, thanks a lot.
What do I do now?

Oh, there must be some way
to find out if a man's married.

His driver's license,
that would tell!

If I could just get my
hands on his billfold.

Oh, fine.

While you're finding
out if he's single,

he's finding out that
you're a pickpocket.

Well now, look,

I'll find some way
to get his coat off.

Okay.

And while I'm
hanging it in the closet,

I'll look through his billfold,

and you keep talking to
him about arithmetic. Okay.

Okay, come on.

You got it? Yep.

Here we are.

Uh, Mr. Taylor,
this is Mrs. Bagley.

How do you do, Mrs. Bagley?

How do you do?

I flunked arithmetic.

Have you ever thought of
giving any sort of private lessons

to people who weren't
so bright? Viv, Viv.

Oh, I'm sorry.

There now. Viv, would
you turn the heat down?

It's sweltering in here.

It feels fine to me.

Oh! Oh, now that you
mention it, it's beastly.

Oh, it's beastly in here.

You look like you're burning up.

Wouldn't you like
to take off your coat?

Oh, no, thanks.
I feel just fine.

Oh.

I, uh, I will have some
of that coffee, though.

Oh, yes, yes. Here you are.

Thank you.

Um... oh, uh, cream?

Please, please.

Say when.

When.

Oh! Oh, I'm terribly sorry!

Oh, it's nothing.
Pay it no mind at all.

Oh, here, take your coat off.

And I'll take it
out in the kitchen.

I'll put some cold water on it,

you'll never know it
happened. Come along, Viv.

Viv!

Oh.

Would you excuse me, please?

Certainly.

Come on!

Get me a cloth.

Okay.

It's on the right sleeve.

All right.

Here's his driver's license.

He's single!

Yeah. He's born in December.

Let's see, that's...
Sagittarius.

I wonder how they
get along with Leos.

Why don't you go
in there and find out?

Come on. Get ready.

You can ask him
to the dance now.

Okay. Put that back in.

That was good work! Here we go!

Here we are, Mr. Taylor.

Just as good as new.

Thank you. As soon as it dries,

you won't ever know
it happened. All right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right.

There we are now.

There.

I...!

Uh, I, uh...

I find myself with,
uh, two tickets

to the Starlighter's

charity dance Saturday
night, Mr. Taylor, and I,

I-I was wondering if
you'd like to be my escort.

Well, I'd be delighted.

Good!

I'm surprised that,
uh, that you're free

on such short notice.

What with teaching school
all day and living at the YMCA,

my social life
is rather limited.

Oh, you live at the new Y?

Mm-hmm.

We were going to have
Jerry and Sherman join.

Well, that's a great idea.

You know, it's a
wonderful place.

They have a nice all-around
program for building men.

They do?

Mm-hmm.

Well,

I'm afraid I have
to be running along.

I have some papers to grade.

Well, thanks very much
for dropping by, Mr. Taylor.

It was a pleasure
meeting both you ladies.

You'll probably be seeing me
at the dance Saturday night.

You can pick me up
at 8:00. TAYLOR: Fine.

And please don't
worry, Mrs. Carmichael,

Jerry will be just fine.

Jerry?

Oh! Oh.

Oh. Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Wow, I got a date!
Wow, you got a date!

Right here in your
own after all those...

Isn't he cute? Oh,
that is a real doll.

They're making teachers
a lot better, aren't they?

Oh, I tell you.

You know something,
maybe we should have

loitered in the
lobby of the YMCA.

Oh, get out of here.

Lucy.

Yeah?

There's just one thing.

How are you two going to
live on a teacher's salary?

Fine thing.

We haven't even had a date,
and you're already throwing rice.

Hi! Hi, Sherman! Hi!

Was that Old Man Taylor I saw

coming out of our house?

Yeah!

I mean, yes.

He came over to
discuss Jerry's arithmetic.

Sherman, are you by any chance

having any trouble
with your arithmetic?

Gosh, no, Mom.

How about history?

I got an "A" on my last test.

English?

I'm doing fine in everything.

Good, sonny.

Wouldn't you know
it, I'd have a bright kid.

Oh, Viv.

What?

His driver's license!

I didn't get it back
into his billfold.

Well, don't get nervous.

All you have to do
is return it to him.

If he knows I have it,
he'll know I was snooping.

Oh, that's right.
How can I get it back

to him without his knowing it?

Oh, that shouldn't
be too difficult.

All you have to do is
to get into the YMCA,

go into a man's room,
put his driver's license

back in his billfold
and put it in his coat,

and get out without being
caught and shot as a spy.

Well, that is something of
a challenge for us, isn't it?

Well, it's the biggest ch...

For us?!

Yes.

I need help.

Count me out.

Now, look, Viv, I
cannot do this alone,

and if I don't do it,
Mr. Taylor will not take me

to the dance Saturday night,
and I'll be sitting home alone.

And you'll go to the
dance with Eddie,

and you'll have
a wonderful time.

Can you imagine the
mood I'll be in all next week?

Count me in.

Now, look, here's the plan.

First, we have to get
him out of his room.

Get him out of his room.

Get him down to the lobby...

Hello.

Oh.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Bagley.

No, no, not at all.

No, that's quite all right.

I'll-I'll be, I'll
be right down.

♪ ♪

Taylor?

Taylor?

Tom Bennett from down the hall.

Can I use your typewriter?

Thanks.

I only have to
write a few letters.

Shouldn't take me
more than an hour.

♪ ♪

Oh.

Then the way I understand it,

long division is just like
short division, only longer.

I guess you could
put it that way.

Oh, the way you
explain fractions.

You just make them sing.

If I may say so, Mr. Taylor,

there's nothing common
about your denominator.

Thank you, Mrs. Bagley.

Now, I really must
be running along.

I have a fencing lesson
in just a few moments.

Oh, oh, no. Now,
Mr. Taylor, please, please,

now before you
go, would you mind

writing all of that down for me?

Just write it all down.

When I explain it
to my son Sherman,

I want to be sure I
get everything right.

Just write it right there.

I hear you're going to the dance

tomorrow night with some
good-looking redhead.

Yeah.

Hey, ask her if she's got

a friend for me, will ya? Yeah.

You are early for
your lesson, Taylor,

but nevertheless, we
can start right away.

Pick up your point, Taylor.

All right, in your position.

Here, Taylor, here!

Here, here!

Yes, right here.

Very good.

Attention!

Straight, eh?

Salute!

No, no, no, no, Taylor!

Salute!

Pick up your point.

One, salute, hup, ho!

Come, Taylor.

Here, here, here, here, Taylor!

Here, Taylor!

Right there.

Salute!

Do it once more.

Hyah! Very good.

Now, face the north wall.

Face the north wall.

Very good.

Now, we commence.

En garde!

Taylor, here, here,
Taylor, here, here!

Very good.

North wall!

Very good.

En garde!

Now, what we do...

No, no, no, that hand
up, up, up, up, up.

Up in the back, in the back.

No, you are too tense, Taylor!

Relax, relax, relax.

Relax. Very good.

That's too relaxed!

Control your body, eh?

Relax.

Very good, very good, eh?

Now, uh, relax.

No, no, your hand is clutched.

Do not clutch.

Like this, like this, yes.

No, do not wave at me!

No!

Let's start.

Elbow in.

That's right.

The shoulders back.

Your knee in.

That...

Now we will do Ballestra!

You will recognize
the routine, eh?

Ballestra.

En garde!

Up, up, up, up.

Relax, relax.

Very good, all right.

Ballestra!

That's not it!

You are impossible!

I cannot understand, Taylor!

I cannot understand at all!

You were doing so
good yesterday, so good!

What is your
explanation, Taylor?!

Taylor!

Hey, Vito.

Some character has
swiped my fencing outfit.

Just one minute, Taylor.

I'm talking to Tay...

Wait a minute!
Hey, that's my outfit!

Who are you?! Who
are you anyway?!

Oh!

Put that down!
Put that point down!

Put that point down!

What's going on here?!

Help! Help!

Oh, I sure am lucky to find

such an attractive girl as
you free on Saturday night.

It's fate.

Would you believe it?

This is the first
Saturday night in weeks

that I haven't had a date.

You know, she's not only
attractive, she is brave.

You mean for going out with me?

No, I mean about
all that business

with that kooky
character yesterday.

Oh, dear.

Did they ever find
out who that was?

Not a clue.

I'll get it.

Pardon me just a moment.

Eddie Collins!

Hiya, honey!

What are you doing here?

Well, I just got to thinking.

I'm not gonna put
business before you,

so I told my client I had
a very important date.

And I brought
Charley along for Lucy.

Charley Graham,
Lucy Carmichael...

Oh. And Vivian Bagley.

How do you do? How do you do?

Oh, hello. Well...

Charley Graham,

I'd like you to
know Henry Taylor.

Mr. Taylor. How
are you, Charley?

Good to see you.

Well...

Harry!

Ready for the dance?

Oh, I thought you
were going on a flight.

Well, I was, but
I got to thinking,

I can't stand you up.

Boy...

I tell you.

So I had someone
else take the flight,

and I brought along
Stan Williams for Viv.

Hey, Stan!

Oh, for heavens sake!

Well, hello. Any problems?

Well, I just don't know

who's gonna have
the first dance.

Well, how do you do, Stan?

How do you do?

Stan Williams, I'd like
you to know Tom Bennett.

Tom, how are you?

Tom Bennett, Stan Williams.

Uh, Stan Williams, Henry Taylor.

How do you do?

Henry Taylor, uh, Ed Collins.

Stan Williams...

Harry Collins.

Harry, nice to meet you.

Harry Collins, Henry Taylor.

I'm Lucy Carmichael.

I'm Vivian Bagley.

Yes.

Jerry, Mom asked me to
help you with your arithmetic.

Please, not while I'm eating.

Now, if you had 12
dishes of Jell-O pudding

and you gave seven
of them to Sherman,

how many would you have left?

What flavor?

Well, I don't know.

Chocolate?

Okay. If you had 12 dishes of

Jell-O chocolate flavor pudding
and gave seven to Sherman,

how many would you have left?

Twelve.

You don't know how to subtract.

You don't know how much I
like Jell-O chocolate pudding.

Now, here's a package of
Jell-O pudding and pie filling

with one recipe on this
side and one on this side.

How many recipes
are there altogether?

Well, what's the answer?

Jell-O chocolate pudding

is the answer to
"What's for dessert?"

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