The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 18 - Lucy and Viv Put in a Shower - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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to "What's for dessert?"

Lucy, is Chris out
of the bathroom yet?

No.

I want to get dressed.

I've got to take a shower.

Do you think she's
ever coming out of there?



Well, I certainty hope so,

'cause I have to wash off this
beauty mask before it gets hard.

Oh, yeah.

Chris is always
monopolizing the bathroom.

What takes her so long in there?

Oh, you know how teenagers are.

If they're not washing
their hair, they're rolling it up

or taking it down or
trying out a new style.

Yeah.

Or brushing it or spraying
it or washing out the spray.

Yeah.

Or rolling it up again.

You'd think she'd come
out of there once in awhile

just to give her roots a rest.



Well, one good thing:
while she's in the bathroom,

at least she's not
tying up the phone.

Oh, can you imagine
what would happen

if we had a telephone in there?

Good heavens!

I wouldn't see Chris until
she was old enough to vote.

Chri... Oh.

I'd better get
out in the kitchen

and wash this off.

Yeah.

Chris, are you ever
coming out of there?!

Well, what are you two doing?

Is that you, Aunt Lucy?

Yes, it's me... Aunt Lucy.

This is a facial mask I'm
wearing to make me look pretty.

Gee, Mom, I thought you
looked prettier without it.

Well, thank you, honey.

W-What's come over you two...

Washing in the
middle of the day?

We're going to the Y.

So?

They frown on filth.

Well, I see somebody
beat you to the annex.

Yeah, afraid so.

Lucy, do you think
it would do any good

if I called Chris's boyfriend
and had him call her,

and while they're
talking on the telephone,

I could rush into the
bathroom and stake out a claim

in the name of the
great unwashed?

No, I'm afraid not.

Mom, we're going to
the Y to play basketball.

Okay, darling.

Okay, Jerry, here you are.

Now, remember, be sure and take
a shower before you come home.

Do we have to?

Yes, you have to.

We, too, frown on filth.

Bye. Bye.

Take a shower for me!

You know, Viv, one bathroom
is just not enough for five people.

Of course it isn't.

It never has been.

I'm just gonna have to
install a second bathroom.

Oh, now, Lucy, we've
been over all of that before.

You just can't afford it.

Well, there's just one thing
that we're gonna have to do.

You and the boys and I
are gonna have to come out

every morning, jump in
the car, put the top down,

ride into Danfield and
go through the car wash.

That's a thought.

Hey, you know, I could
just put in a shower

instead of a whole bathroom.

That way, it wouldn't
cost so much.

Yeah, but Paisley the plumber

would still charge
you plenty for the labor.

Well, I'm gonna call him.

Maybe he's having a sale.

Maybe so.

You know, we wouldn't
even have to tear down a wall.

We could put the shower in
that closet in the boys' room.

Hey, you'd better wash
off that facial mask.

Why?

'Cause in just a few minutes,

you're gonna be ready
for Mount Rushmore.

Okay.

Now, don't use
all the hot water.

No, I won't.

What?!

That much to install a shower?

Mr. Paisley, if you
don't lower your prices,

you're liable to bring
on socialized plumbing.

Well, good day to
you, too, Mr. Paisley.

What'd he say?

Just what you said he would say.

Boy, these prices!

Apparently, the only way to
get clean is to be filthy rich.

Hey.

You know, if I
bought the equipment

and had a friend
install the shower,

it wouldn't cost half as much.

If the friend you have in
mind is who I think it is,

that friend thinks
you're out of your mind.

Viv, I wouldn't ask you
to do a thing like that.

Thanks.

You don't know
anything about plumbing.

Who did you have in mind?

Good old Harry next door.

Oh, now, Lucy,
we can't ask Harry

to do anything else for us.

We're always imposing on him.

That's not imposing.

Harry enjoys
doing things for us.

It feeds his ego.

It seems to me that, by now,

his ego would be
as fat as a horse.

Well...

Where you going?
Over to Harry's.

The sooner he
starts on the shower,

the sooner we'll have it.

Oh, Harry!

Hi. I'm sorry.

It's all right.

You just dented
my bumper a little.

Where you going in such a rush?

I was going over to see you.

Forget it, I'm not there.

That's funny!

You're funny, Harry.

What'd you want to see me about?

Oh, well, what'd you
come over here for?

To invite you
lovely girls to lunch.

Oh, great!

Come on, Lucy,
let's get dressed.

No, we can't go.

Why not?

Well, don't you remember, Viv?

I was going over to Harry's.

Don't you remember?

I was gonna invite
him over here for lunch.

You were?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, she was.

She was. That's right.

Now, you just sit
down, Harry, relax.

Get nice and comfy,
and I'm gonna make you

your favorite dish:
eggs Benedict.

Hold it!

All right, Lucy, what
do you want me to do?

Whatever do you mean?

I have learned from
bitter experience

that anytime you offer
me anything more than

a peanut butter sandwich,
you have something

you either want
repaired, shoveled, lifted

or taken out of
a trap and buried.

Well, that just shows you
how wrong you can be, Harry.

Oh, Harry, you have
such a suspicious nature.

You mean you just
want me to have lunch?

I don't have to do anything?

Not a thing!

Oh, well, thanks.

Unless, of course, you'd
like to show your appreciation

by installing an
extra shower for me.

Aha!

I knew it!

Install a shower,
that's a big job.

Well, Harry, I don't
mean for you to do it now,

while I'm fixing your lunch.

I mean, do it next weekend.

Couldn't I just have a
peanut butter sandwich?

Aw, Harry, it's a snap.

Come on, Lucy, I'm
no plumbing expert.

Oh, you're so modest.

You know, you're a whiz
at fixing stopped-up sinks.

Well, that's a lot different

than installing a whole shower.

I can't do that by myself.

Oh, well, you'll have help.

Yeah, who? Well, uh...

Come in.

Uh...

Hi, Tootsie!

Hi, Eddie!

Eddie! Hi, Lucy!

Hey, we were just
talking about you.

You were? Yeah.

How would you like
some eggs Benedict?

Yeah.

How would you like
some eggs Benedict?

Oh, that'd be wonderful!

Just marvelous!

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Hi, Harry! Hi, Ed.

Want you to meet Joe
Melvin. This is Harry Connors.

How are you? Nice
to see you. Hello, Joe.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I just discovered I don't know
a snake from a plumber's friend.

Wait a minute.

Hey, where are the girls?

They're out shopping. Why?

My boy, how would
you like to get out

of this whole ugly mess?

Great! But how?

I've got a plan.

You see, Joe here is a
plumber from Ridgeberry.

Buddy!

Now, would you be willing
to put out a little money

to get out of
installing that shower?

Is it under a million dollars?

I'll give you my
rock-bottom price.

You've got a deal.

All right, my boy.

I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.

We're gonna tell the
girls that, uh, Joe here

is an old friend of ours
who'll do the job for nothing.

Then we split the bill,
take the weekend off,

and the girls don't
know the difference.

Is that good?

Good? It's inspired!

Uh, do you mind
if I ask a question?

No, go ahead.

Why don't you tell the
two ladies the truth?

Because they'd never go for it.

No. They don't mind us

giving up our weekends
or breaking our back,

but they'd never
allow us to pay you.

After all, they've
got their pride.

Oh.

Well, look, I've
gotta get to work.

You guys started paying me

the minute I walked
through that door.

I'll show you where
the shower goes. Yeah.

It's in the closet
in the boys' room.

Now, Harry, remember,
we tell the girls

that we meant to
do the job with Joe,

but, suddenly, you have
to take a flight to Honolulu,

and I've got a client
in town from L.A.

And then we stay

out of their way for
the entire weekend.

You got it?

I gotta hand it to you, Eddie.

I always knew you were clever,

but you turned out
to be positively crafty!

Come on to work, boys! To work!

Well, how's it going, Joe?

Well, it ought to be
finished in an hour or two.

Good.

Gee, you must be a good
friend of Eddie and Harry's

to let them take
advantage of you like this.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Do you know how much a real
plumber would charge for this?

How much?

Oh, I'd hate to tell you.

You know what
robbers they all are.

Now, just a minute.

Some of my best
friends are plumbers.

Oh, well, of course, there
are good ones and bad ones.

Yeah.

What do you do
for a living, Joe?

Well, I'm a...

Well, what do you think I do?

Well, from the looks
of your sensitive hands,

I'd say you were a doctor.

You guessed it.

I can always tell.

Yeah.

Mom, can we watch Joe?

Well, you can if you
don't bother the man.

We won't.

All right, sit down
there and be quiet now.

He's very, very
busy, so be quiet.

Well, there it is, Jerry,

a shower right in our room.

We won't have any excuse
for not washing again.

That's one of the
most depressing sights

I have ever seen.

Hey, Joe, where's the bathtub?

Well, this is a stall shower.

There's no tub.

This is different from
our other shower.

Then I can get out of using
this one on a technicality.

How come?

There's no place
to sail my boat!

Joe, where does
the water go out?

Oh, right there.

How come it's covered up?

Well, you see,
this is a test plug.

It has to stay screwed
on over the drain

until the inspector okays it.

Oh.

What's an inspector?

Now, now, now, I told
you not to bother the man.

Come on, downstairs.

Why don't you go out
and play or something?

Well, how's it going, Joe?

Well, it would go a lot
faster if you wouldn't keep

coming in here every few minutes
asking, "How's it going, Joe?"

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.

Joe, isn't that
showerhead a little low?

It's the standard height.

Well, it looks a
little low to my eye.

I think it should be
about five inches higher.

Look, it's too late to do
anything about it now.

It's already in.

Yeah, and the way it's in, Joe.

That's a pretty
sloppy caulking job.

I'm not finished with it yet.

Well, I suppose I
shouldn't complain.

After all, you are an amateur.

Oh, nothing personal, Joe.

Say... Hmm?

Should you be using
that wrench on that?

Just what do you suggest I use?

Well, I think you should use
that doohickey right there.

You're liable to mar that
hardware with that wrench.

How would you like
to do this yourself?

Well, now, let's not get huffy.

I'm not getting huffy.

Well, now, for a doctor,

you have very nasty
bedside manners.

What would you say...

if I told you I was a plumber?

Well, if you are,

you could sure fool the
panel on What's My Line?

Well, it just so
happens I am a plumber.

You are not.

You're a doctor friend
of Eddie's and Harry's.

I never saw them
before in my life,

and the only operation
I ever performed

was removing a spoon
from a garbage disposal.

If you're not a friend,
why are you doing this?

Because they're paying me!

They're paying you?!

Where are you going?

I'm quitting.

If they're paying
you, you can't quit.

Lady, there isn't enough
money in the world

to get me to finish
this job... here.

Wait a minute!

What do you want
me to do with this?

Finish it yourself,
with a doohickey.

What's he mumbling about?

He just walked out on the job.

Well, that's a fine thing

for a friend of Eddie
and Harry's to do.

Friend? He isn't even a doctor.

Who isn't even a
friend or a doctor?

I'll bet he isn't
even a plumber.

Who isn't even a friend
or a doctor or a plumber?

Boy, wait'll I get my
hands on those two sneaks.

What two sneaks?!

Lucy, will you please tell
me what you're talking about?

I'll tell you later, while
we're finishing the shower.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean while
"we" are finishing the shower?

Oh, it won't be hard.

There's nothing much to do

but hang the door and
put in the faucet handles.

He was almost finished.

Who was almost finished...

The friend, the
doctor, the plumber,

or one of the two sneaks?

Go get on your working
clothes and I'll tell you.

Now, Lucy, I've helped
you do a lot of things,

but I draw the line at plumbing.

Now, Viv, do you
want to hear the story

about the friend, the
doctor, the plumber

and the two
sneaks, or don't you?

Oh, the things I do to bring
a little drama into my life.

Go get dressed and hurry back.

There... now, that
wasn't bad, was it?

No, as a matter of fact,
that was pretty simple.

You know, I don't know
why those two sneaks

didn't do this themselves,

instead of throwing all that
money away on that plumber.

Well, I don't know why
they didn't do it either,

but I don't know why
you're so mad at them

for being willing to pay for it.

You were willing to
have 'em do it for free.

Well, that's different... one is
charity, and one is friendship.

Besides, do you realize

if they hadn't spent
all that money on Joe,

they could have spent it on us?

You're right. They
are a couple of sneaks.

Yeah.

Hey, you go down and
turn on the water main.

We'll see how this
works, huh? Yes, sir.

Wait a minute,
you better take this.

I think it's going to
be a little hard to turn.

Oh, okay.

Hurry up now.

Viv, turn it off!

Turn off the water,
Viv! Turn it off!

We're leaking!

Turn it off, Viv!

What are you yelling about?

Turn off the water.
We're leaking.

I can't turn it off.

This handle broke
off when I turned it on.

Oh, swell.

How come the faucets
are leaking anyhow?

Don't ask me.

Are you sure you
used the right washers?

Washer?

Yeah, those little round things.

So that's what they were.

Oh, dear.

Come on in here and
help me turn off this water.

Okay. What'll I do?

Well, come on in here and
get a hold of this one over here.

Turn it off?! We
can't turn it off.

Well, tighten 'em up. Tighten
'em up. Tighten these things?

Okay, let go. I got...

Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, Lucy, come on now.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear heaven... Oh... ugh!

You turned it the wrong way!

I turned it the wrong
way? Yes, you did.

Oh, come on now, do something,
Lucy! For heaven's sake.

Oh, wait a minute. Okay...

Oh, Viv, you're getting
water all over out here.

I'm getting water
all over everything?

What'll we do now?

Find that faucet
handle and get it on.

Oh, okay.

Oh... yeah, oh, yep...

Yeah. Oh, oh, oh...!

Lucy, I found it.

Well, just don't stand there
like the Statue of Liberty.

Get it on! Oh, yeah, get it on.

Get it on.

Come on now.

I can't get it on, Lucy,
there's too much pressure.

Oh, you're not
doing it the right way.

Oh, I'm not?

Oh!

What's the trouble?

You're right, there's
too much pressure.

Oh, dear.

What'll we do now?

Don't ask me, I'm no plumber.

You bet your
sweet life you're not.

Well, let's not get nasty.

Hey, this water's
getting awful high.

You must be standing
on the plug, Lucy.

I'm not standing on it.

Come on now. It
must be stuffed up.

Well, un-stuff it.

Come on now.

Look at the water.

Put your hand
over that a minute.

Are you gonna un-stuff it?

Oh!

Have you got it?

It's got a metal thing
over the top of it.

Well, take it off.

It's screwed on.
It's screwed on?

Call a plumber.

I can't afford to
call a plumber.

Lucy!

Oh, all right.

Come on, get out and call the...

What's the matter?

What's the trouble?

The door won't open. Why not?

I guess there's too
much water in here. Oh.

Here, help me. I'll help you.

Come on.

Oh, Lucy!

Oh, dear.

You know, this is the first time

I ever saw a shower
door that opens in.

What dumb bunny ever...?

Viv!

You put this door on backwards.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're sorry? Yes.

I guess I just have to
watch you every minute.

You can't.

You're too busy forgetting
to put washers on faucets.

You know, that
wouldn't have mattered

if you hadn't been so clumsy
and gummed up that water main.

Well, I wouldn't have
broken the water main

if you hadn't been too
cheap to hire a plumber

to come in here
and finish this job.

All right, all right, there's
no sense in fighting.

We've gotta get some help.

Where?

Well, maybe somebody will
come by the house and save us.

Who, some door-to-door frogman?

What'll we do?

Start treading. Start treading.

Oh! Oh!

Uh... hey.

Whoa-oh! Oh, Lucy, Lucy!

Oh, you know what?

No, I just... I just now
thought of something.

What?

Did you pay this
month's water bill?

Sure I did.

That was a dumb thing to do.

How would I know this
was going to happen?

Oh, well...

Aah! Hey, wait!

I didn't know this
water was so high.

You know what we're
going to have to do? What?

We're going to have
to kick this door in.

We're going to have
to break the glass.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Okay, go ahead, kick it.

Oh, no you don't.

That's too dangerous.

Not that I'm afraid
of cutting myself,

but the blood might draw sharks.

Viv? Huh?

Do you think we could
squeeze out through the top?

We might... we
might not have to.

In a few minutes we'll
be able to float out.

Oh, Lucy.

Hey, girl. What?

Didn't you say that that cover
was held on by screws? Yeah.

Well, we're gonna
have to unscrew it.

We're gonna have
to unscrew it? Yeah.

We can't.

We haven't got a screwdriver.

I have.

You have? Yeah.

Well, now you tell me.

Oh, boy.

You know, you'd think that the
people who designed this thing

would prepare for
the emergency exit.

I doubt it if an emergency
like this crops up very often.

Are you going to go down
there and get it out, Lucy? Yes.

Come on, you'll get
all shriveled if you don't.

Shriveled? Yeah.

I don't know about you,
but I'm not pre-shrunk.

Come on, get the top
off. Get the top off. Okay.

Are you going? Yeah.

Okay, here you go.

Hang on to me. Hang on to me.

You want to hang on to me?

That's it, go... we're saved!

Oh!

Pulled that plug!

Oh, Lucy, you're
great. You're great.

Oh! Oh! Oh...!

Oh, boy, where is Lloyd
Bridges when you need him?

Get the cover?

Yeah. Get the cover?

And go... right there, hang on!

Hang on, Lucy, hang on.

There you go.

Are you getting it, Lucy? Huh?

Oh, Lucy, we're saved.

We're saved!

Want a cup of coffee, Viv?

In a minute.

Lucy, what kind
of a house is this?

An hour ago we were awash,

and now when I
want a drink of water

and I've tried every
faucet in the place.

Well, I forgot to tell you

the plumber had
to turn the water off

while he's fixing the broken
handle on the water main.

Oh, swell.

How can you even talk
about a drink of water

after all we swallowed
in that shower?

Well, I can't help it.

Apparently, drinking
water makes me thirsty.

I'm so sick of that shower,
I may never wash again.

I'm going to have to learn
to lick my paws like a cat.

What plumber did
you get... Paisley?

No, Joe.

Joe?!

How did you ever get him to
come back after all he said?

It took all my
diplomacy, all my tact,

and all my spending money
for the next six months.

I'd feel sorry for you if I
weren't so waterlogged.

I guess I shouldn't complain.

You know, all that water could
have seeped through the plaster

and I would really
have had some expense.

So, actually, I came out ahead.

Lucy, I want to
tell you something:

This is absolutely the last
time I slip into my coveralls

to be an apprentice on one
of your dreadful little projects.

Oh, nah, these are the things

we're going to look back
on and laugh at one day,

when we're old and gray.

And from the way things are
going, that may be next week.

Well, you'll have to...

Oh! I spoke too soon!

I'll bet we're going to have
to plaster the whole ceiling.

We?! Lucy, absolutely not. No.

Now, Viv, listen, you have
never learned how to plaster

and it's all you need
to round you out

and you'll be a
perfect Mrs. Fix-it.

Boys, I want you to help
me with an experiment.

I want you to eat some
of this lemon delight pie.

That's the kind of
experiment I like.

Harry and Eddie are
coming over in a few minutes,

and I'm going to serve them

some of this Jell-O
lemon delight pie,

and then I'm going to ask
them to paint the bathroom.

This tastes swell,
and it's got two layers.

And it's a snap to make.

All you need is
Jell-O lemon pie filling,

Dream Whip dessert
topping and a pie shell.

It's a snap to make
with two layers?

Sure. This bottom layer is
made with half a package

of Jell-O lemon pie filling.

That's where
that wonderful tart,

sweet lemon flavor comes from.

What do you do with
the rest of the pie filling?

That's how I make the top layer.

The rest of the
pie filling mixed

with half a package
of Dream Whip.

What do you do with the
rest of the Dream Whip?

I use it to make
the dessert topping,

with the freshest
flavor ever whipped.

You can see why they
call it "lemon delight pie."

Do you think Eddie
and Harry'll go for it?

You can't miss.

Once they taste this,

they'll paint the whole house.

The Lucy Show
was brought to you by

Jell-O Pudding & Pie Filling,

the creamy, easy answer
to "What's for dessert?"

Another fine product
of General Foods.

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