The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 17 - Lucy Becomes a Reporter - full transcript

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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The Lucy Show is
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new formula Wisk.

Wisk puts its strength
where the dirt is.

Wisk.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm just in such a hurry

I've got to find
a part-time job.

Oh, don't tell me your
financial position is shaky again.



Well, If I was a company
you had stock in,

I'd advise you to
dump your shares.

Oh, dear.

Hey, my old
boyfriend is in town!

Who?

Listen to this item in Betty
Gillis's society column.

"Argyle Nelson,
mystery-man financier,

"has checked into
the Danfield Hotel.

"Could it be another

of his hush-hush million
dollar business deals?"

Was he really an old
boyfriend of yours?

Yes, he was.

He had the seat right
behind me in school.

Just think... one of the
richest men in America



sat right behind one of the
poorest women in America.

What a shame.

You missed being a
millionaire by one seat.

Oh, he was the handsomest
man, Lucy. He was?

I've got a picture of
him in my yearbook.

Uh, where...?

Didn't I ever show you a
picture of Argyle Nelson?

No, you never mentioned him.

Oh, wait a minute...

There he is.

Isn't he handsome?

Oh, boy.

He was the first
boy ever to kiss me.

Really? Yeah.

We were at the movies.

That kiss lasted all the
way through the feature

and the coming attractions.

Wow. That was some kiss.

Not really.

Our braces were locked together.

Well, maybe you could
rekindle the old fire.

Why don't you call him?

Oh, no.

He wouldn't remember me.

Besides, I hear he's gotten to
be some sort of an eccentric.

Oh? Yeah, he doesn't want
to see newspaper people.

He won't give out interviews
or talk to reporters or anything.

Sounds like a weirdo.

Well, money does that sometimes.

Boy, you could starve trying
to find a job here in Danfield.

Nothing listed, huh?

Well, there's one.

I could go to work tomorrow if
I wanted to move to Morocco,

had a thorough knowledge
of thermodynamics

and was a single man under 25.

Hey, here's a job.

Too bad you're not qualified.

I am so qualified.

What is it?

Betty Gillis says that she can't
take her two-weeks vacation

because she can't find anybody

to run her society
column for her.

That's perfect.

Betty can take her vacation

and I can use her two weeks'
salary to clear up all my bills.

Oh, before you
clear up all your bills,

you better clear up your head.

What do you mean by that?

The only thing you
know about a newspaper

is how to fold it for the
bottom of the garbage can.

Oh, pooh.

If a nitwit like Betty Gillis
can run a column, anybody...

Oh, hello, Betty darling.

Yeah, this is Lucy Carmichael.

Betty, you can start
packing for that vacation.

Me!

No, Betty, I'm not joking.

Of course I'm qualified.

I was the star reporter
on my school paper.

Uh-huh.

I'm sure I could handle it.

Oh, wonderful.

Thanks, Betty.

Bye-bye. I mean, that's 30.

She gave me the job.

I'm going to be a big
newspaper woman again.

Lucy? What?

Were you really the star
reporter on your school paper?

I certainly was.

They called me
"Clare Boothe Lucy."

Mr. Foley?

Yes, Calvin?

Here's the proof on page four.

Oh, good. I'll look it over.

Thank you.

Good morning, chief.

I'm Lucy Carmichael,
your new society editor.

You are the chief, aren't you?

Chief what?

Well, we in the newspaper
game call the editor "chief."

Well, we play that
game a little different.

Here, we call the
editor "Mr. Foley."

Oh, one of those, huh?

Ha-ha. Where is he?

I'm Mr. Foley.

Oh, sorry.

And this is Calvin.

Oh, how do you do,
Calvin? Happy to meet you.

Have your copy in by Monday.

Be sure it's double-spaced,

and look out for the
spelling of all names.

Yes, sir.

Uh, Mr. Foley? Yes?

I'm going to need a desk,
a telephone, a typewriter,

a pencil and some
nice clean paper.

For what?

Betty Gillis did all
her work at home.

Well, I don't want
to work at home.

I'd like very much to work here

in case someone calls
in a hot news flash.

A hot news flash for
the society column?

Well, you never can tell.

All right, you can work here
as long as you don't bother me.

Sit at that desk over there.

Thanks, chief.

I mean, Mr. Foley.

Calvin?

Yes, sir.

Page four is okay.

You can put it to bed. Yes, sir.

Stop the presses!

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

Mrs. Carmichael... Yes?

Just what do you
think you're doing?

Well, I wanted to
stop the presses.

I have a hot item here.

If you will notice, it wasn't
necessary to stop the press,

since it hasn't started.

I'm sorry.

Just what was the hot item
that made you stop the presses?

This, sir.

This here? Yes, sir.

"Lucy Carmichael takes
over post of society editor.

"Lucille Carmichael,
veteran newshen,

"has joined the illustrious
staff of the Danfield Tribune,

subbing for two weeks for
Betty Gillis as society ed..."

This is your idea
of a big story?

Well, it is to my friends,
and I have a lot of friends.

I assume that you have.

Get busy.

Yes, sir.

Scoop Carmichael speaking.

Oh, hi, Viv.

She's one of my legmen.

She has a hot item for me.

What's that, Viv?

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Of course, I know
how to spell Bagley.

B-A-G-L-E-Y.

Yeah.

Okay, thanks, Viv.

Mr. Foley. Yes?

I'll give you a
proof on page two

while I'm resetting page four.

Fine, Calvin.

Copy boy!

Sorry.

Another hot item,
Mrs. Carmichael?

Well, not exactly, sir,

but it is the first time that
Vivian Bagley has been invited

to play bridge at
Audrey Simmons'.

Well, anyway, sir,
nobody else will have this.

We scooped every
other paper in town.

There are no other
papers in town.

Oh.

Well, if there were, we
would have scooped 'em.

Mrs. Carmichael. Yes, sir?

I've got an assignment for you.

Oh, yes sir! Shoot!

I want you to go to Oak
Street and Longridge Road.

Oak Street and Longridge
Road. That's right.

I got it. What is it?

An accident or a bank
holdup or something?

No. No?

I want you to go
to the drugstore

and get a couple of sandwiches.

Oh, that's an assignment?

Yes, it is.

Two ham sandwiches
on whole wheat,

and two coffees, black.

Two ham sandwiches, whole
wheat, two black coffees.

Yes, sir.

And hurry up, please. Yes, sir.

You cover for me,
chief, while I'm away.

All righ...

Oh, do you want...?

I just wanted to know if you
wanted mustard or mayonnaise.

Well, I'll get a
little dab of both.

Well, where's the, uh, the
big society editor this morning?

Don't ask.

Just be grateful.

We've had the whole morning
to ourselves without Brenda Starr.

You're right.

Hi, Mr. Foley.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I hope I didn't leave
you shorthanded.

Oh, we managed to get along.

Good, good. I'm
going to get writing

on my next week's column.

But already?

I-I-I-I mean...

why don't you spend a
couple of days at home?

Don't you think
you've earned a rest?

Does Hedda Hopper take a rest?

Uh, Mr. Foley, uh, could
I see you for a minute?

What do you know
about Hedda Hopper?

Hedda who? Hopper.

Hopper?!

Society editor. Shoot.

Oh, Hi, Audrey.

How did you like the item in my
column about your dinner party?

Well, I thought
it was kind of...

Oh?

You spell Simmons with
two m's instead of one?

Well, I can't imagine
how that happened.

What?

I'm sorry.

I can't hear a word
you're saying, Audrey.

The press is making
such a racket.

Can you speak up?

Hold on a minute,
wait'll I shut this thing off.

Oh, no...

Oh, no!

Mrs. Carmichael, I've spent
three long days with you,

and I have just

one thing to say. What's that?

You're fired.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Foley.

Please don't fire
me. I need the job.

I need the money
to pay all my bills.

I owe the milkman,
the grocer, the butcher.

If you fire me now
you're going to bring on

the biggest depression
this town has ever known.

I'm sorry.

Please, Mr. Foley, please
give me another chance.

I know I'll do better.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Carmichael.

Audrey, I'll call you later.

Danfield Tribune.

Oh?

Oh.

Uh, not a chance, huh?

Oh, okay. Well, thanks
so much for trying, anyway.

Uh, yes, I'll tell Mr. Foley.

Good-bye.

Uh, that was Argyle
Nelson's secretary

and she says that he won't
see you or any other reporter.

Well, that takes care of that.

Mr. Foley?

Now what?

Mr. Foley, if I get an
interview with Argyle Nelson,

will you give me my job back?

Nobody gets an
interview with him.

I got a connection.

Who is it?

Reporters never
reveal their source.

All right, Mrs. Carmichael,
you get that interview

and you're back on the paper.

Oh, wonderful!

Now, find out what
he's doing in town. Yeah.

See if he's been into
any big financial things...

Yeah, yeah, any big
business, any big mergers,

That's right; that's right.
Or anything like that.

Oh, Mr. Foley, I
could kiss you for this.

Please!

A good editor never
kisses his reporters.

Oh, hi, girl!

Hi, Louella.

I just saw your first column.

It was nice of you to say

that at Audrey
Simmon's dinner party,

I was radiant in red chiffon.

Thanks a lot. You're welcome.

Viv, you want to do me a favor?

Anything you say, Scoop.

Call Argyle Nelson and
arrange an interview for me.

Anything you say,
Scoop, except that!

Oh, Viv, please.

Please, it's very
important to me.

I promised Mr. Foley I
could get an interview.

My job depends on it.

Lucy, I can't call Argy
and ask him a favor.

Why not?

We haven't even seen each other

since the orthodontist
pried us apart.

Well, tell him I'm a friend

and I just want an
off the record chat.

Lucy, if you think he'd
talk to you off the record,

you're off your rocker.

Oh, please, Viv...

I hate to refuse,
but I couldn't do that.

It's very important to me!
I just couldn't do it, Lucy.

Oh, Viv... I'm sorry.

Mr. Argyle Nelson's
room, please.

Oh! The whole floor?

Well... yes, I'll speak
to his secretary.

Mr. Nelson? Yes?

Are you expecting
a Vivian Tuttle?

Uh, yes, I am.

Will you show her in, please?

Yeah, surely. Thank you.

Come right in.

Argy...?

Hello, Vivian! Hello!

How wonderful to see you.

Oh, it's nice to see you.

I'm sorry to be
so difficult to see,

but you have no idea how
I've been hounded by the press.

Oh, really? Must be terrible.

Oh, it is. I once had a nosy
reporter use a phony name

and a disguise to get to me. No!

Yes, and they all ask
the same questions.

What kind of questions?

Oh, you know,
all about business.

Oh, you'd be bored to tears.

No, I wouldn't be bored.

Well, I don't want to
talk about business.

Please sit down. Oh.

I want to talk about old times.

Oh, yes.

Yes, the good old times. Yes.

Uh, well, uh, you
haven't changed a bit.

You have.

Oh?

Yeah, well, I...

For the better. Oh.

Gee, your teeth
turned out just swell.

Oh, thank you. So did yours.

Oh, thank you.

Say, how's your overbite?

Oh, fine.

How's yours?

Oh, great.

Oh, we sure did have fun
in high school, didn't we?

Oh, yeah... good
old Shortbridge High.

No, no, no. Shortridge.

That's what I said. Shortridge.

Shortridge High
School, named after

George P. Shortridge,
well-known educator.

The principal was Mr. Hadley.
The colors were blue and white.

Hey, you have a
better memory than I do.

Trucky.

Huh...?

Well, don't tell me
you've forgotten

what we used to
call you: Trucky.

Oh, no.

Sure, why, Trucky, yes!

I remember the night
we called you that.

We were all doing the Big Apple,

and you were so great
at trucking, you know?

Oh, yeah, that was
me. Trucky Tuttle.

Yeah. Trucking on down.

Remember what you called me?

Oh, how could I forget it?

Wasn't that the silliest name?

Yeah, the silliest.

Nobody but you could
give such a funny name.

No, nobody but me.

Imagine, just because
my name was "Argyle,"

you called me "Socks."

Socks! Socks! Socks!

Argyle "Socks"!

Argyle "Socks" Nelson!

Argyle "Socks" Nelson!

Oh, boy!

I sure was good with
those funny names.

Yeah.

Well, so much for the old times.

Now, what about the new times?

No, wait a minute,
wait a minute,

do you remember when we
were cheerleaders together?

Oh, sure, sure...

we were out there
every... Saturday afternoon

just cheering on those
fearless, fighting...

Blue Devils.

Blue Devils.

Yeah, the Fighting
Blue Devils... yeah.

Hey, do you remember the
old Shortridge locomotive?

Did that go through town?

Boy, you're funny.

Come on, let's do it together.

Come on.

Chicka lacka.

Chicka lacka.

Chow, chow, chow. Aah!

Boom alacka, boom alacka,

Bow wow wow. Bow wow wow.

Yay! Yay!

Shortridge! Shortridge!

Oh, boy, do I remember that!

Oh, boy.

Well, that's enough
of the old times.

Now, let's talk
about the new times.

What brings you to Danfield?

Well, Vivy, I don't
mind telling you,

because I know it
won't go any further.

No, sir.

But one of my
corporations is interested

in putting in a new shopping
center here in Danfield.

Hooray!

I mean, by George,

we do need a shopping
center here in Danfield.

Well, we made a
few surveys here...

You made a survey? Yes.

How many surveys?
Excuse me, Mr. Nelson.

Well... Two or three surveys?

Excuse me, Mr. Nelson. Did
you look over the entire town?

Excuse me. Is there
any part of town

you're particularly interested
in? Vivy, excuse me.

Vivy, she wants to tell
me something. Excuse me.

May I talk with you
a moment privately?

Oh, of course.

Vivy, would you mind
waiting in here for a moment?

It won't take very
long, I'm sure.

Oh, that's all right.

Thank you.

Yes?

Oh, I'm sorry to
bother you, Mr. Nelson.

Isn't that Vivian Tuttle?

Why, yes it is.

Well, there's a woman outside
who claims she's Vivian Tuttle.

Oh, no!

It's probably a reporter
trying to pull a fast one.

Boy, they'll try anything.

I'll get rid of her.

No, no, no, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

Just for a change, I'd like
to put a reporter on the spot.

Send her in and I'll introduce
her to the real Vivian Tuttle.

Yes, sir.

Come right in.

Thank you.

Hi, Argy.

Hello, Vivy.

It's nice to see you
after all these years.

Nice to see you, too.

I'm afraid I've come
to ask you a favor.

It's for a friend.

I didn't want to do it at first,
but I felt like such a heel.

It's so important to her.

You know, that's a
very interesting disguise.

You look more like Vivian
Tuttle than the real Vivian Tuttle.

Huh?

Oh, now, come on, I
know you're a reporter.

A reporter?!

Oh, no, I'm not, Argy.

I'm Vivian Tuttle.

Ha. Yes, I am. I can prove it.

Look, look.

I've got something
right here in my purse.

Look at that.

A class pin from
Shortridge High?

I found it at the bottom
of my jewelry case.

So, what does that prove?

Look at the back of it.

My initials. Where
did you get this?

You pinned it on me
at the Senior Prom.

If you're really Vivian Tuttle,

tell me the one word you
said when I pinned this on you.

"Ouch!"

Trucky!

Oh, Socks!

You didn't think it was me.

Hey, wait a minute... I wonder
who that other woman is.

What other woman?

The one in there who
claims she's Vivian Tuttle.

Oh, good grief!

You know?

I have an awful feeling it's the
friend I'm asking the favor for.

She works on a local newspaper

and she was just
desperate for an interview.

Then she's a
reporter. Well, uh...

Look, Trucky, do you mind

if I teach your
friend a little lesson?

Do I mind?!

She's got it coming.

Good. Trucky, do
you mind waiting

out in the reception room?
What are you going to do, huh?

What are you going to do to her?

Well, you just keep your
ear glued to this door.

You let her have it.

Let her have it
good, huh? I sure will.

Oh, Vivy?

I'm sorry about
the interruption.

Oh, that's all right. I suppose
it was all about big business

and some merger or
something. Oh, no, no,

it was one of those reporters
I was telling you about.

Oh? I caught one
trying to sneak in here

to see me, so I had him
thrown out of the hotel.

You had him thrown out?

Well, he ought to be glad
he didn't get in to see me.

Why?

Well, something comes over me

when I'm in a room
with a reporter.

Really? Yeah, I just
lose control completely.

You do?

Oh, it's a terrible thing
to see. What happens?

Well, I remember the last one.

He got into the room
dressed as a waiter.

And then he started to ask
some suspicious questions,

and that's when I
started getting suspicious

as to who he really was.

Oh, really? So I
grabbed him by the throat

Yeah... and I started to
choke the truth out of him.

Did you really?

Yes, and then
everything went black.

And then I choked
him, and choked him

and threw him against the wall.

You didn't! Yes!

And then I threw him on
the floor and stomped on him!

I grabbed him by the collar, and
I dragged him across the floor.

And I picked him up and...

Out the window?

Well, fortunately, he landed
on some other reporters.

So I got five of
them at one time.

Oh.

Well, I've got to go, Argy.

Oh, no, no, don't go.

I never get a chance to talk
about old times. You don't?

I don't think I ever told you

what you meant to
me in the old days.

When I was on the
school baseball team,

why, you never missed a game.

I didn't? No.

I remember I'd be
out there pitching

and I'd look up and I'd
see you in the stands

and I'd wave to you.

Yeah? Did I wave back?

Oh, you sure did.

Oh. I was a loyal
little rooter, wasn't I?

Well, I gotta go. Aha!

Aha, what?

You're an imposter!

Oh, no, I-I-I-I-I'm
not an imposter.

Yes, you are. I'm
the real Vivian Tuttle.

Shortridge never
had a baseball team!

They didn't?! No!

You mean I did... I did
all that rooting for nothing?

You're a reporter!

No, I'm Vivian Tuttle!

Oh, no you're not!

Yes, I am! Cross my
heart and hope to di...

Oh...

I can't stand reporters!

But listen, listen,
I'm not a reporter.

I'm Vivian Tuttle. Honest, I am!

Don't you remember? I'm the
one that-that named you "Socks"?

Argyle "Socks." Argyle
"Socks" Nelson. Remember?

Blue and white colors!

Uh... Boom alacka!

Boom alacka! Bow wow wow!

Chicka lacka, Chicka lacka,
Chow, chow, chow. Yay!

Shortridge!

What are you doing here?

I came up here to get an
interview for you from him,

but you sort of beat me to it.

Boy, I haven't had
such a laugh in ages!

Well, I'm glad you're laughing.

You scared me to death.

Well, you had it coming
after that stunt you pulled.

I was only trying
to keep my job.

Don't worry, I'll give
you the interview.

What? I'll give
you the interview.

You will? Yeah.

Oh, wonderful! Oh, wonderful!

But remember, it's only because

you're such a good
friend of Trucky's.

Oh, thank you, Socks.

Oh, I sure appreciate
it. I sure appreciate it.

Hello. Mr. Foley?

Stop the presses!
Hold the front page!

I got that interview you wanted.

Here it is:

Lucille Carmichael, veteran
newshen, who recently joined...

Aunt Viv? Uh-huh?

Do you suppose

I could be a reporter like Mom?

Sure, dear. What would
you like to write about?

Well, I don't know.

There's a story
for you right here.

What?

Swan. See the suds?

Hey, that's a great story.

Wait a minute.

Good reporters
check their stories.

You mean...?

You bet I do.

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There, you got your story.

Those suds... Swan
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You were right, Aunt Viv.

Good reporters
check their stories.

All you have to do is write it

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