The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 13 - Together for Christmas - full transcript

Lucy, Viv and the kids are spending their first Christmas together and Lucy and Viv do nothing but argue over their family's special traditions. But, the kids show Lucy and Viv the true meaning of Christmas.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

Who are the real-world Illuminati ?
Find out @ saveanilluminati.com

The Lucy Show is
brought to you by

Vim laundry detergent.

Powerful cleaning and
whitening ingredients

are scientifically premeasured
in every blue Vim tablet.

Merry Christmas, Ernie.

Oh, merry Christmas
to you, Mrs. Carmichael.

What can I do for you? Have
you got a nice turkey, Ernie?

Mrs. Carmichael, would I
have a turkey that wasn't nice?



I mean, especially nice.

I've got a real
honey of a one here.

Been saving it for
a special customer.

Well...

I don't know.

Have you got another one?

Oh, Mrs. Carmichael...

you won't find a
better one than this.

Born and bred on the
finest farm in Vermont.

Ernie, we don't want to
adopt him, we want to eat him.

Besides, he feels kind of tough.

I wonder what made him nervous.

He feels like he
did a lot of pacing.

Mrs. Carmichael,
please don't pinch the leg.



He's so tender, I'm
afraid he'll bruise.

Believe me, this is
the best one I've got.

Okay, okay, wrap it up.

Be careful of it now,
it's for Christmas dinner.

Oh, so you're not
going to your mother's

in Jamestown for
Christmas this year.

No, not this year. Oh.

Mrs. Bagley going to her
uncle's in Philadelphia as usual?

No. We all decided
it would be wonderful

if our two little families
stayed right here

and spent Christmas
together for a change.

Isn't it marvelous?

This is the first
time the five of us

have ever spent
Christmas together.

Yeah. I'm sure glad we're
not going to Grandma's.

Oh, honey, I thought you liked

to go to Grandma's;
you always have

so much fun. Yeah, but it's
hardly worth all that kissing.

Now, that isn't a
very nice thing to say.

You love your grandma.

I love Grandma,
but I hate her lipstick.

Oh!

He's too much. Merry
Christmas, Ernie.

Oh, Merry Christmas
to you, Mrs. Bagley.

Hey, where's Sherman?

He's next door waiting for
the Christmas tree I just bought.

Oh, maybe we can
help him carry it.

Okay. Go on. Come on, Jerry.

Yeah, run along. Okay.

Look at the beautiful
turkey I got, Viv.

Turkey?

Yeah, for Christmas dinner.

My family always has roast goose

for Christmas.

Goose? Yeah.

Oh, no.

We always have
turkey. It's tradition.

Thanksgiving is turkey.

Christmas is goose.

That's tradition!

Oh, my family's had a
roast goose Christmas dinner

every year for a
hundred and fifty years.

Well, it's time you got
out of that Yuletide rut.

I happen to like
that Yuletide rut.

Ernie, what does your
family eat for Christmas?

Whatever I'm stuck with.

Last year it was ox tails.

Look, Viv, as long as I've
already bought the turkey,

let's have turkey, huh?

Okay. All right.

I guess turkey will be all
right as long as it's stuffed

with plenty of good
old oyster dressing.

Oyster dressing?

Yeah. Oyster dressing, sure.

We always have
chestnut dressing.

Chestnut dressing?

Oh, yeah, I can't stand oyster
dressing. Oh, I can't stand chestnut...

Say, how about stuffing
the turkey with a goose?

I got a lovely goose here.

Ernie, never mind.

Look, Viv, we'll compromise.

We'll have my
turkey with your...

oyster dressing.

I accept your gracious offer.

Thank you. The
important thing is, we're all

going to be together
for Christmas, huh?

That's the important
thing, believe me.

Here it is! Look
at the tree, Mom!

Oh, here it is!

Oh, look! Look! Look, Lucy.

What? Isn't that beautiful?

A white tree?

Yes. Isn't that gorgeous?

Well, yeah, if you
like white trees.

What do you mean?

We always have a white tree.

Well, we always
have a green tree.

A green tree?

Oh, yeah, a green tree.

Oh, Lucy, let's not squabble

over every little
detail this Christmas.

You'll love this white tree
when you see it all trimmed

with the beautiful,
new gold ornaments

I just bought.

New gold ornaments?

Yes. Well, I suppose if a
person would have a white tree,

they would have
new gold ornaments.

I suppose it'd go very
nice with your neon lights.

Lucy, don't tell me that you're
from "the dreadful little strings

of gray popcorn and
the sticky candy cane"

school of tree trimming.

They're not gray,
and they're not sticky!

I knew it! I knew it!

I can see the moth-eaten Santa

and the chipped
glass birds right now.

Now, listen to me.

We're going to have to argue
about what... Please, Mom!

Do you have to argue in public?

It's so embarrassing.

There's no argument.

I bought a white tree, and
we're going to have a white tree.

We're going to
have a green tree.

A white tree. A green tree!

White. Green.

White! Green!

White! Green!

White! JERRY: Hey!

What ever happened to
'tis the season to be jolly?

That's right, Tommy.

If you don't believe me,
come see for yourself.

I bet we're the only
people in the world

with two Christmas trees.

One is green, and one is...

If you'll pardon the
expression... white.

Jerry, remember the
Christmas spirit, dear.

So long, Tommy.

Come on, Jerry.

Let's go Christmas
shopping. Okay.

Jerry, did you take your money

out of your piggy
bank? Yes, Mom.

How many presents
do you have to buy?

Well, there's you, and
Chris, and Aunt Viv,

and Sherman, and
Harry next door,

and my teacher, and
Tommy, and Amy Shaffer.

And you have money enough

to buy presents for
all of those people?

Sure, I've got a whole
dollar and ten cents.

Oh, well, then.

Go ahead. Bye-bye.

Come on, Sherman. Okay.

Say, Mom? Yes, dear?

Could I ask you
something? Of course.

Well, if you were going
to buy a pair of gloves

for a lady, who's a
mother and a blonde,

and about as big as you are,

what size and what
color would you buy?

Well, I'd buy black in
size six-and-a-quarter.

Black, six-and-a-quarter.
Uh-huh.

Thanks. Oh, Mom,

after we go Christmas
shopping we're going to the Y.

All right, have a lot
of fun. Bye, Mom.

Bye-bye, kids. Bye!

How do you like that?

Oh, dear.

Lucy? Yeah?

Do you think I've got enough
mistletoe hung around?

Plenty.

The only way a man
could get in this house

without being kissed is
through the coal chute.

You're so right. CHRIS: Mom?

Yeah? Could I ask your advice?

About what?

Do you think if I
get Alan Harper

a bottle of after shave
lotion for Christmas,

it would be too personal?

Well, no, dear, I don't think
it would be too personal,

but I just don't think it
would be appropriate.

Alan wouldn't have any
use for after shave lotion,

because he doesn't
have any whiskers.

Oh, yes he does.

Oh, well, then...

How do you know?

Uh... oh, he told me so.

Well, I've got to
go. I'll see you later.

Chris must have
gotten her mistletoe up

earlier than I did.

Apparently.

Gee, you know, Viv,
I was just thinking.

I'm kind of glad
we had that little

difference of opinion
over the two trees.

It makes everything
twice as festive

and twice as Christmassy.

And twice as many pine
needless to sweep up.

Oh, who cares? Nobody.

Get the door.

Parcel post! Parcel post!

More presents!

More presents, huh!

Here you are, Mrs. Bagley.

Oh! Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to you,
Johnny. Merry Christmas.

Oh, here we are!

Yep, there's one for me.

One for me!

Oh, no, you don't.

Now, Lucy, let me open that.

You've hidden every present
that's come into this house.

Come on. Viv, don't you want
to be surprised for Christmas?

Now, look at that box.

It's so flat, it's
handkerchiefs.

That wouldn't surprise me.

I know it's handkerchiefs.

Now, look, Viv, we've
been all over this before.

Now, my family always brings

all the presents that
come into the house,

puts them all
together, we open them

all at the same time.

Well, my family thinks that
that's too many presents

to open at once,
so we always open

all the out-of-town
presents when they arrive.

Give me that box.

Well, I might have known
anyone who'd have a white tree

would be a goose-eating
package peeker.

Lucy, that's not a
very nice thing to say.

Well, all right, I take it back.

Well, fine.

I guess it won't hurt me to wait

till Christmas Eve to
open my packages.

Well, now, that's a good girl.

You'll enjoy it more.

You open your
packages Christmas Eve?

Sure. We always have.

Well, we open ours
Christmas morning.

Christmas morning?!

That's the proper time, yes.

Well, that figures.

That figures.

What else would you expect

from an evergreen-loving
chestnut stuffer.

Now, just a minute!

Before we continue
with this jolly holiday,

I think there's a few things
we'd better get straight.

All righty!

Tell me, when does your family

usually have Christmas dinner?

1:00 Christmas Day.

When does your family
have its Christmas dinner?

At 6:00 in the evening.

Who hands out the presents?

The littlest child, who else?

Everyone takes
turns, that's who else.

Oh, boy!

We usually...

hang our stockings
on the mantle.

We usually hang ours
on the foot of the bed.

We open our stockings first.

We open our stockings last.

My father always read us
Dickens' Christmas Carol.

Well, my father always read
us The Night Before Christmas.

I'll bet my father could
read better than your father!

Is that so?!

Yes, that's so, and I'll
tell you another thing!

I can't stand having that
gaudy white tree in my house!

Well, you won't have to,

because I'm going to
Philadelphia for Christmas!

Well, that's all right with me,
'cause I'm going to Jamestown.

I'm all packed, except
for the Christmas presents.

So am I.

I just left a note
for the milkman.

Are the children home yet?

No, not yet.

I have to call the station

and make my reservations
for Philadelphia.

I already made them.

I made them at the same time
I made ours for Jamestown.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Viv? Yes?

How are we going
to tell the children

that, uh, we're not
spending Christmas here?

Well, we'll just tell them

that plans changed, that's all.

They've sort of been
counting on staying here.

Yes, I know they have,

but, uh, you know
how children are.

They'll be
disappointed, and then

in a couple of minutes,
it won't mean a thing.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

It probably won't
bother them at all.

So when they come in, you
just go right ahead and tell them.

Why me?

Well, there's no point
in both of us telling them

the same thing at the same time.

Well, if we're going to choose

which one of us tells
them, I choose you.

Why me?

Because you have twice
as many children as I have.

Nothing doing. You tell them.

Oh, no, you don't.

You tell them.

All right, I will.

Hi, Mom! Hi!

Look at all the presents we got!

Oh, yeah, and everyone's
so nice down there...

Children, I... I have
something I want to tell you.

What is it, Mom?

Well...

I-I want to tell you that...

Aunt Viv has
something to tell you.

Yeah, Mom?

Well... I want to tell you that

Aunt Lucy has
something to tell you.

Well, while you're deciding
who's going to tell us,

I've got big news.

What is it, dear? Alan Harper
just invited me to the big

junior dance at the country
club Christmas afternoon. Really?

Isn't it wild? Wonderful!

And guess what, Mom? What?

Mr. Ewards at the Y
invited Jerry and me

to go caroling on Christmas Eve.

He did?

At first he said
Jerry couldn't go

because he was too little.

Yeah. I sang "White Christmas,"

and there wasn't a
dry eye in the house.

Well, this all sounds
pretty exciting:

a dance at the country club

and caroling on Christmas Eve...

Sounds great, doesn't it, Viv?

It sounds fine to me.

Well, uh, while
you're out caroling,

we'll be trimming our trees.

Yes, we'll be
trimming our trees.

Mom? Yeah?

What'd you want to tell us?

Oh, what, uh, what
did I want to tell them?

Uh, uh... What
was that we had...?

We were going to tell
them something. Oh, yeah!

What was it? I heard
great news on the radio.

The weatherman said it's going to snow!
- Snow?!

Yeah, we're all going to be
together for a white Christmas!

Is this enough bread
for the dressing?

Yeah, plenty.

Hey!

Lucy, now, what are
these chestnuts doing here?

You know perfectly well that
we agreed on oyster dressing.

I know and I'm just sick

we're not going to
be able to have it.

And why not?

Well, I just remembered you're
only supposed to eat oysters

in the months that don't
have an "R" in them,

and December has
an "R" in it, so, uh...

I guess we're stuck with
the chestnut dressing.

Oh, gee, it's a good
thing you remembered.

It's very bad to...

Hey, wait a minute.

You're supposed to eat oysters

in the months that
do have "R" in them.

By George, you're right.

I never can get that straight.

Nice try.

We're all ready to go caroling.

Well, honey, do you know

the words to all the carols?

All but "Good King Wenceslas."

If they sing that, I'll
just have to fake it.

Okay.

I didn't know you
were going, Chris.

Well, since this is
the first Christmas Eve

we've all been together, I
thought I ought to go caroling

with my two best buddies.

Oh...

I think that's sweet.

"Sweet," nothing.

She just found out that
Alan Harper is going along

as one of the counselors.

Aww. Sing pretty.

Bye, Mom! Bye,
Aunt Lucy! Bye, kids.

So long. Have fun.

Aren't those oysters gorgeous?

Mmm...

You are not going to eat that?

You bet your life I am.

I think I'm going
to trim my tree.

Oh, there's just nothing
as good as a raw oyster!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to... ♪

Oh!

What'd you do?

I sat on something.

Oh, Lucy, that's my
favorite ornament!

I paid a dollar
and a half for that!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't think I
broke it very much.

Oh, sure.

It's not broken very much.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, Viv.

Uh, uh, it was an accident.

I'll buy you another one.

Well, all right.

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the
way Oh, what fun ♪

♪ It is to ride... ♪
Did you see this?

I've had this since
I was a little girl.

Sweet, sweet...

Now then, I guess I'll
plug in my light, huh?

Isn't that gorgeous?

Yeah...

Oh, my goodness gracious...

Now then, let's see.

One more, maybe one more...

Where would I
put just one more...

Oh!

Oh, no, you stepped on my Santa!

Oh, I'm so... I'm sorry, Lucy.

I didn't see him there. I didn't
know he was there. Oh, no!

Oh, Lucy, I didn't know
he was on the floor.

Oh! From now on, you'll
have to call him "Kris Krinkled."

That's not funny!

Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy.

That's been on
every Christmas tree

since I was a little girl.

I'm sorry.

I'm never going to
be able to replace it.

Well, I'll try.

Even if you did, it
wouldn't be the same.

Well, now then,
let's not spoil the...

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the
way Oh, what fun ♪

♪ It is to ride in a
one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells... ♪

♪ Jingle bells... ♪

You know something? What?

I think that branch
is a little too long

for the rest of the
tree. Well, it certainty is.

I've been looking
at it this whole time.

Lucy! What?

You cut my lights!

You made my lights
go with the shears...

I cut it? Yes, you did!

Well, I didn't mean to cut it.

You did it on purpose. I
did not do it on purpose!

You did, too, do it on purpose!

Just because I stepped
on your old, sad Santa.

Aha!

Then you stepped on
him deliberately, huh?

And you cut my
lights deliberately.

I did not do it deliberately!

You did, too! Look, Viv, if
I wanted to ruin your tree,

I could ruin it if I wanted to!

Shear it, ruin it, I don't
have to cut your lights.

Timber!

The carolers! The kids!

Oh, Lucy! Oh, Viv,
what've we done!

Oh, Lucy, we've been making
darned fools out of ourselves,

that's what we've
done! You bet we have!

Lucy, what's the matter with us?

I don't know!

Oh, dear!

They're down at the
house on the corner.

We've got a few
minutes! To do what?

To try to save Christmas Eve!

How are we going to
do that? I don't know!

Do you suppose
maybe they'll believe that

Santa Claus drove his reindeer
here through by mistake?

I don't think so.

Come on, hurry up. Let's
pick it up! What'll we do?

Do the best we can. We'll
think of something. Pick it up?

Yeah. Sure we can
think of something, Lucy?

Yeah...

Give it here. Get
that on the top.

Here it is. Here it is.
Now, put it down there.

Hurry! Hurry!
Right up next to it.

There it is. Got it? Got it?

Hurry. Hurry. Yeah.

I got it. I got it.

Got it? We made it!

We made it! Yeah!

Oh! Oh, is it going
to look all right?

There they are!

They're coming! They're coming!

Oh, hurry up!

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la, la, la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa-la-la,
fa-la-la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Join the ancient
yuletide carol ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la, la, la ♪

♪ See the blazing
Yule before us ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la, la, la ♪

♪ Strike the harp
and join the chorus ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la, la, la ♪

♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪

♪ Fa-la-la,
fa-la-la, la, la, la ♪

♪ While I tell of
yuletide treasure ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la, la, la. ♪

♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ O come, ye ♪

♪ O come, ye, to Bethlehem ♪

♪ Come and behold Him ♪

♪ Born the king of angels ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord ♪

♪ Sing choirs of angels ♪

♪ Sing in exaltation ♪

♪ Sing all ye citizens ♪

♪ Of Heaven above ♪

♪ Glory to God ♪

♪ In the highest glory ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ O come let us adore Him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord. ♪

Merry Christmas, Lucy.

Merry Christmas, Viv.

What you doing, Chris?

I'm sorry, Aunt Viv,

but I'm afraid I'm going
to have to exchange this

for a darker color.

Why? You look
adorable in the white one.

But white is so hard
to keep looking white.

Have you forgotten Vim?

Just drop four Vim tablets
in the automatic washer

and you'll have the whitest
robe you've ever seen.

It's as simple as that.

Here, dear, merry Christmas.

Another gift?

Oh, gee, thanks, Aunt Viv.

You sure think of everything.

Well, I don't know about that.

But I certainly think of Vim.

The Lucy Show
was brought to you by

Vim laundry detergent.

Powerful cleaning and
whitening ingredients

are scientifically premeasured
in every blue Vim tablet.

Help other users to choose the best subtitles