The Lucy Show (1962–1968): Season 1, Episode 1 - Lucy Waits Up for Chris - full transcript

ANNOUNCER:
Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Vivian Vance.

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(sighs)

Great dinner, Mom.

Thank you, Chris.

(barking)



Mom, can we give
that bone to Tiger?

Oh, I suppose so.

Is that beast here again?

Hey, there's a lot of meat

left on that bone.

Oh, for Heaven's sake, Viv.

Why doesn't Harry
Connors feed his own dog?

Why should he, when it
eats so well over here?

The only time Harry
ever sees Tiger

is when that poor
dog staggers home

for a bicarbonate of soda.

If he doesn't watch
it, he's going to be

the only dog in the
neighborhood with gout.

Come on, kids... let's hurry up



and all pitch in
and do the dishes

so we can see The
Early Show on television.

What's on?

Greta Garbo in Camille.

Who's Greta Garbo?

I don't know.

She's before my time.

Mom, who's... She's
before my time, too.

Oh, come now.

I'd rather watch a
Western. Me, too.

Well, we're going
to see Camille.

I feel like a good cry.

That's two against two.

Chris, your vote decides.

I don't think I should vote.

Why not?

Because I won't be home.

I'm going out.

Oh... where you going?

Over to Cynthia's?

No... I have sort of a date.

A date?

Jerry, would you and Sherman

please take these
out to the kitchen?

JERRY AND SHERMAN:
Chris has got a boyfriend!

Oh. Chris has got a boyfriend!

I wish you had warned me, honey.

Now I have to get
all dressed up again

so I can drive you and your
date wherever you're going.

Don't bother... I'll drive them.

Well, actually,

neither one of you
will have to drive us.

Well, you certainly can't walk.

Mother,

I have a date with a boy
who drives his own car.

A boy who drives?

Yes.

He isn't old enough to drive.

How old is he?

Sixteen.

I'll bet he's just barely 16.

I don't know, Chris.

There's something about you

and a boy in a car I don't like.

What is it?

The whole idea.

Is this a new boyfriend,
Chris? Uh-huh.

His name is Alan
Harper, and he goes

to prep school in Connecticut.

I'm so thrilled.

Well, I'm not.

Lucy, may I put in my two cents?

I would be a wealthy
woman if I had a nickel

for every time you
put in your two cents.

I think you ought to let her go.

LUCY: At her age?

Oh, now, when we were her age,

we had dates with boys
who had their own cars.

Well, that's true.

And our mothers didn't think

we were grown up, either.

That's true, too.

Well, all right, Chris.

Oh, gee, thanks, Mom.

Oh, you're a doll!

You, too, Aunt Viv.

I better get dressed.

Thanks, Viv.

You did me a favor.

I guess I'd forgotten
what it was like to be 14.

Do you remember your first date

with a fellow that
had his own car?

Yes. I remember it.

His name was Vinnie Meyers,

and he had a Model T.

(both laughing)

Oh, boy, we thought
we were really living.

We went to a dance, and
then we had a hamburger.

Yeah...

And then, we drove
out to the lake and...

Chris, you're not going!

CHRIS: Did you call me, Mother?

Yes. (buzzing)

CHRIS: Oh, there's
Alan... would you get it?

I'll be ready in a
few minutes. Oh, Viv,

I really don't think I ought
to let her go. (buzzing)

Now, you've already
given her your permission.

Well, why can't they stay
here and watch television?

That's a lot of fun.

Oh, that's every teenager's idea

of a big evening.

Camille coughing
and you sobbing.

Oh, well, I'd feel a
lot better (buzzing)

if they'd just stay
around the house.

Hello there.

Hello... Mrs. Carmichael?

Yes. I'm Alan Harper.

Yes, won't you come in, Alan?

Thank you. Good to know you.

This is Mrs. Bagley.

Hi, Alan. How do you do?

Uh, Chris will be right down.

Fine.

Uh, where are you
two going tonight?

Oh, we were thinking
of going to a movie.

Have you seen Camille?

You mean Camille
Metcalf, Chris's friend?

No.

Surely, you've
heard of Greta Garbo.

I don't think so.

Is she a friend of
Camille Metcalf's?

No, I mean the
old movie, Camille,

starring Greta Garbo.

Oh, where is it playing?

Right here on television.

Come on, sit down.

Make yourself comfortable.

There you are...
Put your feet up.

But... Here, I'll take your hat.

There we are. But...

but we-we were going
to the picture at the Ritz.

Oh, I hear it's great.

That thing? It's dreadful.

Well, I... I don't know.

I think Chris was counting
on going to the Ritz.

(laughs) Well, then,
you just don't know Chris.

She's a real homebody.

Just loves to stick
around the house.

Yeah.

Viv, why don't you go out

and fix some snacks,
so we can all spend

a nice, cozy evening
in front of the set.

Go on.

Hi, Alan.

Oh, hi!

Um...

Chris, guess what.

Alan hasn't seen Camille.

Uh, wouldn't it be
wonderful if we all

watched television
right here together?

Oh, but, Alan, I told the kids

we'd meet them at the movie.

Oh, it doesn't make any

difference to me. Come on, then.

Let's go. ALAN: Okay.

Well... uh...

uh, well, have a good time,

but if the movie is boring,

you just feel free
to come on home,

and we'll take up
the rugs and dance

or play Ping-Pong or...

We'll find something
that's a lot more fun

than just driving
around in that old car.

Okay... thanks, Mrs. Carmichael.

I'll be home by 11:00.

Well, okay.

Have a good time.
CHRIS: Thank you.

ALAN: Bye. Uh, don't forget.

This is your home.

To enjoy... whenever.

You can take that back.

They're not staying.

I knew they wouldn't.
This is for us.

Well, time for Camille.

(crying softly)

What are you crying for?

I haven't even turned it on.

I've lost my baby!

(door opening)

I sure wish you hadn't let
the boys give Tiger that bone.

I'm hungry.

(sniffles)

Good night.

Aren't you coming to bed?

Oh, Viv, I...

I thought I'd wait up for Chris.

Why?

You left the front
door unlocked.

She can open it by herself.

Well, frankly,
Vivian, I'm worried.

What about?

Do you know what time it is?

She said she'd be home by 11:00.

It's a quarter of 11:00.

Yeah, your watch must be slow.

What time have you got?

14 of.

What a worrywart.

Where can they b...?

Wait a minute!

I think I hear a car.

There's a car
pulling up in front.

Aha! I knew it!

They're parking in
front of the house.

How do you like that?!

The car hasn't even stopped yet.

Now, it's stopped.

How about that?

Well, how else do you
expect Alan to let Chris out?

Go whizzing by and toss her
onto the lawn like a newspaper?

Well, just as I thought!

Those two children
are smooching. Look!

I will not look.

If those two children
are smooching,

I for one, think it's
none of my business.

Well, I for one, think
it is my business.

Where are you going? I'm
going out and put a stop to this.

I'll never forgive Henry Ford!

Where's Chris?

I don't know where Chris is,

but I sure know where
Flo the manicurist is.

She's out in that car, necking.

Who with? I don't know.

She didn't introduce me.

Was she angry?

Yeah, sort of.

What do you mean "sort of"?

Well, she rolled the
window up in my face,

and said from now on I
could do my own nails.

(laughs loudly)

Don't laugh.

She said that went
for my nosy friend

peeking through
the curtains, too.

Boy, was I embarrassed.

Oh, where can they be?

Oh, Lucy, are you going to stand

by that window all night?

You're acting like a mother hen.

Well, I don't care.

Here comes another car!

It's them!

You get in here, young lady!

You didn't even give me time

to thank Alan for
the lovely evening.

You had plenty of
time to thank him

on the way home from the movie.

I don't like the idea
of you sitting out

in front of the house in
a parked car, smooching.

"Smooching"?

Sparking.

Necking.

Kissing, you know.

Oh, you mean "making out."

Yeah, well,
whatever you call it.

Mother, Alan and I could
hardly have been doing that.

Didn't you see who
was in the backseat?

Another couple. What's
that got to do with it?

That couple were
Alan's mother and father.

Oh!

We ran into them at the movie.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, I've never been so
humiliated in all my life!

Oh, honey, I-I was only...

(crying) Now, I'll
never see Alan again!

Oh, dear!

Now, I've really done it.

Oh, don't feel badly, honey.

I guess, if you're a mother hen,

you can't help laying
an egg once in a while.

Any word from
Chris this morning?

Nope.

I knocked on her door and
she won't even talk to me.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Vivian, what
am I going to do?

Well, the first thing
you'd better do

is stop biting your nails until
you find a new manicurist.

Oh, stop making, jokes.

I'm really serious.

And I'm worried.

She won't even talk to me.

Hi, Mom! Hi, Mom! Hi!

(Lucy and Vivian groan)

Where have you two been?

Playing on the trampoline.

Don't tell me you got that dirty

playing on the trampoline.

No, but it was on
account of the trampoline.

We wrestled in the mud
to see who got to jump first.

Yeah, it looks
like you both lost.

Go on, get yourselves washed up.

Mom, can we have some cookies?

All right, but you
got to wash first.

Do we have to? Yes, you have to.

I told you we should have

come in the back
way. (Lucy groans)

Chris, darling, I'm
sorry about last night.

I apologize, and I promise
it'll never happen again.

Good morning, Aunt Viv.

Chris, baby, talk to me.

Say something. Anything.

Mother, you have ruined my life.

Attagirl!

Well, it's a start.

(phone ringing)

Hello? Alan?

Yes, she's here. Just a moment.

Chris it's... it's Alan Harper.

Really? (gasps)

Hello? Oh, hi there, Alan.

Tonight?

Oh, sure I can go.

Oh, what do you
mean, you're surprised?

My mother's the
sweetest, kindest,

most understanding
mother in the whole world.

Okay, Alan, I'll see
you around 8:00.

Bye.

Gee, Mom.

You really are a
doll. Thank you.

Oh, Mother?

Yes? Will you do me a favor?

Yeah, what?

Well, if I promise
to be home on time,

will you promise
not to wait up for me?

I'll do even better than that.

Just to show you how much
confidence I have in you,

I'm going to give you
my door key tonight.

Honest?! Yeah.

When I get home,
I'll wake you up

and I'll tell you
all about my date.

Oh, thank you!

Oh...

How about that?

Five minutes ago,
her life was ruined.

A man calls, and
everything's all right again.

Ha-ha, that's youth!

"Youth"? It works
pretty well for "oldth," too.

Gin! Ha-ha!

Oh, no, not again.

You owe me three
dollars and forty cents.

I'll take it off your rent.

Okay, but don't go
blabbing it around town.

What do you mean by that?

Well, if it ever gets back

to that cheapskate
ex-husband of mine,

he'll deduct the three dollars
and forty cents from my alimony.

(laughs)

Oh, it's 10:30.

I guess I'll turn in.

Good night.

Aren't you going to bed?

Well, I thought I'd
pick up a magazine

to read in bed. Lucy.

You're not thinking
of staying down here

and waiting up for
Chris now, are you?

No. Believe me, Viv, I
wouldn't be caught dead

down here after what
happened last night.

I just want to get a magazine
to read in bed, that's all.

Okay, good night.

Good night, dear.

CHRIS: I had a
wonderful time, Alan.

Gee, I hated to bring
you home so early,

but, well, I've got
to catch a train

back to school in the
morning. Oh, that's all right.

I told you Mom wasn't
going to wait up for me.

She kept her word.
Yep, she sure did.

She's probably
sound asleep by now.

I promised to wake her up

and tell her about our date.

Oh, gee, it'd be a
shame to wake her

just to tell her that.

Oh, but I promised.

Well, couldn't you
wait till the morning?

Well, I could.

But a promise is a promise.

Gee, Chris, you sure are pretty.

I guess you take after your Mom.

I guess so.

I'm sure glad I came home

from school this weekend.

I'm glad you came home, too.

(clears throat)

Well, uh... Would you
like some hot chocolate?

Oh, no, it'd be too much bother.

Oh, no it isn't. Come
out in the kitchen. Okay.

It'll be ready in
a minute. Okay.

Hey, your back door's open.

Oh, would you mind closing it?

My silly, little brother
probably left it open.

You know how kids are.

(softly): Viv? Viv?

Viv?

Vivian?

Hey, Viv?

Shh... it's cold.

Hey, Viv? (rocks
knocking against window)

Viv? (Tiger barks)

Ah! Oh!

Tiger, what are you doing here?

Don't you ever
sleep? Go on home.

It's just me. Go on home.

Hey, Viv? (rocks
knocking against window)

Vi... Tiger.

Will you get out of
here? It's me, remember?

Remember that leg
of lamb last night?

It's me, the horn of plenty.

Go on home and do some push-ups.

Hey, Viv?

Hey, Viv?

Viv?

Viv? Hey, Viv?

Viv?

Vivian? (Lucy
continues bouncing)

Lucy?

Out here. Viv.

Hi! (yawning): Hi.

Lucy!

What are you doing out there?!

Shh!

Open the front door!

Why? I have to sneak in.

Why? 'Cause the
kids are in the kitchen.

How'd you get out
there in the first place?

Don't ask questions!

Just do it!

Don't let them see you!

Go on!

Get going!

CHRIS: Come on, Alan.

We can have it in here.

Fine with me.

(softly): Viv? Viv?

Viv!

Oh, Viv!

Oh, no, not again.

I can't get in.

What about the front door?

Too late. Grab me.

Grab you?!

Are you crazy? Try it.

No, Lucy, it won't work.

It's got to work.
Well, it won't.

There you go
with that negative...

thinking.

I've got to get in.

What'll I do?

I don't know.

What'll I do, Lucy?

Stand back!

Oh, Lucy! Oh!

Here, let me get this leg.

Ah! Oh! Let me give you a hand.

How about that, huh?
Oh, how about what?

This one, huh? Are
you all right now?

(groans) Huh, can you make it?

Huh? Yeah, get my other leg.

Where is it? "Where is it?"

Oh!

Oww!

Can you get in?

Sit up, Lucy. Sit up.

That's it. Now,
I'll get this one.

(sighs)

(grunts) You all right?

You're breaking it!

Oh...

Will you kindly tell me
what this is all about?

Later.

I've got to go to my
room and go to sleep,

so Chris can wake me up
and tell me about her date.

What's the matter?

Trampoline legs.

(knocking at door)

Uh, uh, uh... who is it?

CHRIS: Aunt Viv?

(stammering): Yes, Chris?

May I come in?
Yes, you can come in.

Yes, Chris. Yes,
yes, come right on in.

Mother's not in her room.

She's not? Do you know

where she is? Oh, uh, uh, um...

She went out for the evening.

Oh, gee, I wanted to
ask her something. What?

Well, Alan wants to invite me
up to his school next Saturday

for the big homecoming game.

I wanted to ask
Mom if I could go.

He has to know tonight.

Uh, uh... oh, she ought to
be back any minute now, dear.

You go down to the drugstore
and get yourself a hot chocolate.

By that time, I'm
sure she'll be back.

We just had some. Oh.

We'll wait for her
downstairs. Okay.

Boy, are you a dumb bunny.

Why'd you have to
tell her I went out?

Don't snap at me. How did I know

she was going
to wait up for you?

Well, couldn't you think
of a better story than that?

No, I couldn't.

I didn't have much
time to work on the plot.

I was too busy helping
an ungrateful friend of mine

break in her trampoline act.

Well, I'm sorry, Viv.

I'm sorry I snapped at you.

It's just that now,
thanks to you,

I've got another
problem. What's that?

I'm supposed to be
out for the evening.

If I go down the stairs,
the kids will see me.

How do I get out of the house?

Well, back to the old
trampoline. Oh, no!

Come on.

Oh, Viv.

Oh, now, wait a minute...
What about clothes?

You're a little past the
slumber party stage.

Well, I haven't got
time to go get dressed.

Give me one of your coats. Okay.

Here you are.

Oh, not that one, Viv.

That's not a good color for me.

Oh, come now.

What's the difference?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Viv,

I never liked that
color on you either.

Will you put this coat on?

Bouncing beggars
can't be choosers.

There you go.

That's fine.

Oh, Viv, I can't.

You've got to. I can't.

It's got to be done
one way or another.

What other way is there?

This!

Lucy, are you all right?

I forgot shoes.

I'll throw you down a pair.

Be sure they don't
clash with the coat.

Okay, throw them!

Oh, boy, some throw.

Tiger, give me that shoe!

Tiger!

Let go!

Tiger, please!

It's me, Tiger, it's me.

I gave you the big bone.

I gave you a big bone, Tiger!

Oh, she'll kill me.

Tiger, please!

Tiger! Nice Tiger.

Nice Tiger!

Hi, everybody!

I've had a perfectly
marvelous evening.

Relax.

Alan left ages ago

and Chris is in bed.

Oh, swell. Where have
you been for the last hour?

Oh, chasing Tiger all
over the neighborhood

trying to get your shoe.

Did you get it?

Yeah. Yeah, I got it.

Oh, Lucy!

Lucy, is there any more Vim?

The box is empty and I...

Never mind.

What are you doing with these?

We can't find the checkers.

I need that to jump
one of Jerry's men.

Well, I need those to wash
these dirty sweatshirts of yours.

Can't you use something else?

No, I can't.

Vim washes clothes whiter

than anything I've ever
used in my washing machine.

With these checkers, there's
no spill, no mess and no sneezes.

Hey, what are you doing?

I need these to wash
your clothes white.

Thanks a lot.

The Lucy Show
was brought to you by

Vim laundry detergent.

Powerful cleaning and
whitening ingredients

are scientifically premeasured
in every blue Vim tablet.

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