The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 4, Episode 24 - Vicki and the Gambler/Love with a Skinny Stranger/That Old Gang of Mine - full transcript
[THEME TUNE STARTS]
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
Excuse me. Has a Mr. Phil
Manning checked in yet?
I'll see, Phil Manning...
I don't think so.
Oh, you'd remember Phil if you'd seen
him. They call him Philadelphia Fats.
He's six feet tall and
twice as wide, but lovable.
I can't wait to see him. He's been
away on a business trip for two months.
- I'm meeting him here.
- We'll keep an eye out for you.
Thank you.
Boy, I've got to start
eating more junk food.
These roly-poly guys
are getting all the girls!
- Hello, welcome aboard.
- Hi, thank you.
My name is Phil Manning. I'm
looking for a Miss Patti Billet.
You're Philadelphia Fats?
Well, I used to be, but I've been on a
diet. I guess you've already met Patti.
Hi, honey.
- Get away from me! Who do you think...?
- Hey, Patti. It's me, it's Phil. Honest.
I didn't go on a business trip. I went
to a fat farm. I'm a half a ton lighter!
Wow, what a difference!
It's a whole new
me. You like it?
Do I? I love it!
What a turn on! This is like starting
all over again with a total stranger.
You'll like Wade Hubbard,
Vicki. He's a very special man.
I've known him for 20 years.
If you're so close, seems
you'd be in touch more often.
Well, he's a professional gambler.
He has to go where the action is.
You know, Las
Vegas, Monte Carlo.
There he is!
Merrill!
Wade! Ha-ha! Welcome aboard!
Thank you Captain Merrill
Stubing and this has got to be Vicki.
- Hi.
- Hi, Vicki. Will you marry me?
- I'm her father, shouldn't you ask me?
- I don't want to marry you.
- Wade, it's been a long time.
- Yes, it has, too long.
Oh, I brought you
something, Vicki.
- For me?
- Yeah.
- They're gorgeous!
- Wade, aren't you overdoing it?
Relax, Merrill. I
didn't pay for them.
A long shot at Santa
Anita picked up the tab.
I don't know what you
mean by a long shot,
but I'd sure like to
know more about it!
Voilà!
Excuse me.
How do I find Aloha
Deck, cabin 350?
Right through those doors,
turn left and it's one deck down.
Aloha 350. That's a
single cabin, isn't it?
Uh-uh, but let's hope it's
not a permanent condition.
Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe it, boss.
Out of prison one day and here I
am, all new duds, off on a luxury liner!
Nothing's too good for a
pal from the old Arona Gang.
You're the best safecracker
in the business, Fingers.
Not really, but you were
the best pickpocket, Babe.
And Harry, nobody could
run a holdup any slicker.
Let's keep that all quiet, huh?
As a matter of fact, I think we
ought to check in separately.
Why don't you go first? Go.
- Welcome aboard. You are...?
- 4379285.
- I mean Berski. I'm Matson Berski.
- Mr. Berski.
Ah, yes, you are on
Fiesta Deck, cabin 130.
That's just around to
your left. Enjoy your cruise.
I will. It's so great being out!
- You mean "out to sea"?
- No, just out.
Fingers?
The guards are very nice here.
Why don't you go
up and get unpacked?
- We'll meet you up on deck later.
- Yeah.
- When are you going to tell him, Harry?
- Fingers ain't gonna be no problem.
Especially when he knows we're gonna
be splitting up a half a million bucks.
Are you sure the ship
carries that much dough?
I got the straight word. They bring that
much on board for the gambling casino.
It's all in the ship's safe, but
it's all going to go home with us.
Oh, I'm crazy about
you, you big lug.
[HORN BLASTS]
So, what gave you the
idea to go to a fat farm?
Well, you did, for one thing.
I got tired of everybody always
teasing me about my weight.
I finally decided to
do something about it.
I've still got some pounds to
go, but I'm well on the way, right?
Well, I can't believe it!
Under my chubby little Phil, you
were hiding Burt Reynolds. Ooh!
If I'd known this was going to be your
reaction I would have done it years ago.
- I'll go get us some drinks, huh?
- Hurry back.
Hi, there.
Me?
Hi.
- Please say he's not married.
- Huh? Who?
- That guy you were just talking to.
- Oh, no, he's not married.
Great.
What does that mean, "great"?
Gives me someone to point for.
Well, point it somewhere
else. He's already taken.
Yours?
We've been going
together for three years now.
He's awfully cute. Better
keep an eye on him.
- Saving up for a rainy day, huh?
- Yeah.
I want to buy a present for my
dad. Tonight's our anniversary.
Oh, anniversary, huh?
Two years ago, he adopted me
officially. You won't tell him, will you?
About the present, I mean.
I want it to be a surprise.
- Which one do you like?
- This one.
Oh, that's a very pretty one.
But there's no way I'm
going to be able to afford it.
I guess I'll just have
to settle for a tie.
I'll tell you what... have
the lady hold it for you.
- You're going to buy it.
- But how? I don't have enough money.
- I can't...
- A nice horse is going to help us out.
I'll meet you on the
Starlight Deck in half an hour.
I'll be there!
- This is the Fiesta Deck.
- Well, maybe he got lost somewhere.
Oh, here. Fingers?
- FINGERS: Present.
- Present?
Why didn't you meet us on deck?
I was waiting for them to
come and unlock the door.
Oh, how stupid I am! I can't seem
to realize I'm not locked in anymore.
Ssh!
I asked you to be
quiet about that, didn't I?
But now I can open the door
and go out anytime I want, can't I?
- Sure you can.
- I've got great news.
- Will you listen a minute?
- Let me turn up the volume.
The prison metal shop was
awful noisy. My ears are kinda shot.
Testing, testing.
Say something, Harry.
Does that mean you can't
open safes anymore? Does it?
Oh, I'm sure I can still open
'em. This hearing aid is great.
- But about safes, Harry.
- What about them?
You don't have to worry about
me. I'll never break the law again.
- What are you talking about?
- After all, you two went straight.
I guess I can, too.
Believe me, boss, you can
trust me. I won't let you down,
I'll never touch
another safe, I promise.
- So the heist is off?
- No. Now, don't worry. It's still on.
Somehow, I'm gonna get him to
use his brain again, if I can find it!
OK, here I am.
Give me a few more minutes,
Vicki. I have some homework to finish.
- Homework? Come on!
- No, I'm being serious.
Figuring out which horse is going
to run faster than the others in a race
is one of the ways I earn a living,
and it takes a lot of homework.
"Boogaloo Baby. Ch, G, 6F."
- Is that English?
- Almost.
It means the horse is a chestnut
gelding and the race is six furlongs.
Oh, look at that
one! Merry Mermaid.
- Now, that's a pretty name!
- It sure is.
The problem is that horse
couldn't win a horse race
even if all the other
jockeys rode backwards.
I think she's gonna
win. I like the name.
You do, huh?
Well, as long as you're
being scientific about it,
I don't see how we can not
put a bet on Merry Mermaid.
Good.
Now, if you can show me
where the ship-to-shore phone is,
- I shall call Las Vegas.
- Yes, sir.
- Ten bucks.
- You betcha.
Hey, honey, how about this
to go with your tux tonight?
It's a little flashy, isn't it?
- Yeah, it goes with your new body.
- I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
Don't you just love this?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Take the silk job, it's you.
- You really think so?
- Definitely.
- Save me a dance at the party tonight.
- Well, he's not really...
That's OK. I'll do that.
I just love silk. Can't
keep my hands off of it.
See you later.
I think maybe you're right. This
is probably a little bit too flashy.
- How about this?
- With a tux?
I think I will go
with the silk job.
Like you said, it does go
with the new body, and...
when you've got
it, flaunt it, right?
Right. Flaunt it.
It's kind of small but
I'm sure it's a nice place.
It's been very
nice talking to you.
Hey, come on, I'll buy you a drink, a
nice strong drink, and then we'll talk.
You know I don't drink, but you
know what I would like? Seltzer water.
- A little two cents plain.
- [LAUGHS] Are you kidding?
Do you know what a two cent
plain's going for nowadays?
- It can't cost more than two cents.
- Oh, really?
Isaac, what are you getting
for bubble water, today?
- Imported, a dollar and a quarter.
- A dollar and a quarter? Forget it!
Excuse us.
Listen, you're coming out
into a whole different world, pal.
You're going to need a lot of money
just to even get by, maybe. A lot of money!
What did we pay for gas in
the old days for the getaway car?
19 cents a gallon.
- Ha-ha!
- Ha-ha! What?
You ready? $1.34 today.
- Oh, come on!
- You don't believe it? Ask him.
$1.34!
How much is gasoline?
- Gasoline?
- Yeah.
Oh, we don't serve much of that here. I
suggest you stick with the bubbly water.
No, no, for the car! What
do you pay for gas today?
Oh, anywhere from a
dollar and a quarter up.
Gee, I was hoping to
open a little fix-it shop,
but if everything's
at these prices...
Excuse us.
- There might be a way.
- What do you mean?
I understand there's a half a
million in cash in the ship's safe.
Well, you want to
go straight, don't you?
You're gonna need some
money to get started, won't you?
Right.
We'll knock off the ship's safe
so that we can keep you from
sliding back into a life of crime.
- You know what I mean?
- I guess so.
Boy, Harry! You know, going straight
is more confusing than I thought.
It's an easy job. It's
like rolling out of bed.
The last time I had a job easy as rolling
out of bed, I rolled right into prison.
All set, honey?
Ta-da!
- Wow, you look gorgeous.
- So do you.
Yeah, that what's-her-name,
Sheena, was right.
This shirt really
does feel good. Try it.
Nice!
Phil, I have a better idea.
Since it's been such a long day,
why don't we just skip the festivities,
have an early meal in the cabin,
and we can watch a little television?
Sweetheart, there's
no television on a ship.
Well, I'll just have to some
other way to keep you occupied.
First, we're going to have
a chance to do something
you never got a chance to do
with the old Philadelphia Fats.
- We're going to dance up a storm!
- But honey, it's gonna be so crowded.
So what? That'll give me a chance
to show off my lady. Come on.
What do you say?
OK, but I want you to know that
nobody else is going to get a chance
- to see how nice that shirt feels.
- Mm-hm.
No winners. Thank
you very much...
ISAAC: [WHISTLES] Hey!
You sure look beautiful, Beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Feel like joining us for dinner tonight?
Sorry, fellas.
- She's dining with me tonight.
- [GAMBLERS CHEER]
I've got something for you.
$200? I don't understand.
Merry Mermaid won!
She won? She really did?
By six lengths, going
away. She paid 20 to one!
- But this money isn't really mine.
- It certainly is.
If we'd lost, I'd have taken your
money. After all, you picked the horse.
- Vicki did?
- She sure did.
- Then it's really mine?
- Every dime, baby.
What are you gonna
do with all that loot, Vic?
You'll find out later.
Here. Here! Give this to the
guy and tell him to lock it up.
That way you'll have a chance
to find out what the safe looks like.
- What's in it?
- Blank paper, nothing.
But he won't lock up an
envelope with nothing in it.
He don't know there's
nothing in it, dummy.
You are smart, Harry. That's
why you were always boss.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Would you lock this
up in the safe for me?
Certainly. Be glad to
do it. Just come this way.
- Thank you.
- It's nothing.
How do you know that?
Would you lock it up, anyway?
I'm sure it'll be very
safe in your safe.
You probably have
a very safe safe.
FINGERS: A safe... place, ha-ha.
Besides, nobody would ever try to
knock off a safe way out here in the ocean.
Never!
Now, we'll put your
valuables in a safe deposit box.
We really just use the
safe for ship's business.
It's all the same to me.
I don't know the slightest thing
about safes, one's just like another.
I see you've got a
Burgess-Stillwell 210 series,
triple-bolted, with a concentric
multi-cam cylinder intrusions.
Just a wild guess.
Here's your key. It takes
two keys to open these boxes.
Your valuables will be as safe
in here as they would be in there.
Safer.
Sorry I was late. I had
some last-minute things to do.
Hey.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
It's a token of my love,
and to thank you for two
of the best years of my life.
- I love it, Daddy! And I love you, too!
- Thank you.
Here, let me put it on for you.
OK.
How does it look?
I think it's perfect on
you, don't you think so?
Yes, it's fine,
honey. It's just fine.
Open it now.
- Oh!
- What a beautiful watch!
Vicki, how could you ever...?
I bought it! Mr. Hubbard
made a bet and I won!
It's true, Merrill.
She picked the horse.
Way to go! Next
time, pick one for me!
But Vicki, you still shouldn't
have spent so much money.
Oh, that's OK, Daddy. Mr. Hubbard
says I'm going to win a lot more.
She's a natural, Merrill. She's got
the instincts, and she's beautiful.
When you grow up, honey, you're gonna
be one lady who can beat the system.
[BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC]
Boy, the guys in the old
cell block should see me now!
Ooh! Gee, where'd you
learn all these fancy steps?
At the fat farm.
One of the exercises.
We had dance class three
times a day. Nothing to it.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[APPLAUSE]
Honey, I can't believe it. Women
wanting to dance with me. Did you see it?
- [MUSIC STARTS]
- I saw.
Listen, sweetie, why don't we call
it a night? You must be exhausted.
Patti, this is a vacation. We don't
have to get up early. I'm raring to go!
Oh, well, I'll tell you what.
Sweetie, I'm bushed. Why don't I...?
- Come on, Philsy.
- Never mind. Let's dance.
So, you two have been
laying low all these years?
We even changed our name.
Big Harry Arona and Babe are
now Mr. and Mrs. Harold Handley.
Harry manages a car wash. I
work at the hospital as a receptionist.
We have the cutest
little house in the valley.
He raises begonias,
the greatest!
Yeah, but that dull
life is all finished.
Listen, we'd better get started.
- We're not gonna do it tonight, are we?
- Why not?
I met a nice lady this afternoon
and I invited her to go dancing.
That's OK. Go for it. We can
always pull the job tomorrow night.
Ah, thanks.
Oh, there she is. See you later.
Thanks.
Honey, he's entitled to one night
of fun after being away so long.
Relax, honey. A little
dancing won't hurt him.
Besides, he'll be in better
shape to do the job for us.
I'm not so sure. That clown is
liable stepping on his own fingers.
You know...
Boy, I really hated to leave. They're
going to be dancing up there for hours.
Honey, are you sure
you don't want to go back?
Positive. I have been dying
to get out of there all night.
Oh, of course you
wanted to leave.
You never wanted to go!
What's the matter with me?
Here we are, two lovers,
separated for months.
A romantic night,
and I'm making like John Travolta,
while you're in the mood for love.
Oh, honey, are you
sure you're not tired?
The old tubby me would have been,
but now I got the energy of a teenager.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Yeah, it's me.
Uh, hang on a minute, I'll ask.
The gang wants us to
come back to the dance.
No, Patti's not in the mood.
No, I'd better not. I'll see
you tomorrow. Bye, bye.
Honey, I've got an
idea. Why not...?
Patti.
Patti.
[SIGHS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come on, Phil, the
dance is still going.
JULIE: [OVER PA] Good
morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Shore launches for Cabo San
Lucas are now boarding passengers.
Why don't you come ashore with
us, Merrill? We'll have some fun.
- Oh, please, Daddy?
- I'm sorry.
- I have too much to do on board.
- Mr. Hubbard! Vicki!
Oh, good, we
thought we'd miss you!
Listen, if you find any action
ashore, we want part of it.
Yeah. Whatever Vicki bets
on, put us down for ten bucks.
- Apiece.
- OK, you've got it. Wish us luck.
STUBING: I'm afraid
you're out of luck.
I don't think you'll find any
gambling in Cabo San Lucas.
Come on, Merrill, there's
no place in the world
a man can't find a little action,
if he knows where to look.
[SHIP HORN BLOWS]
The launch is getting ready to
go. You guys had better leave.
OK, princess.
- Let's find ourselves a car and driver.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye!
- Bye.
- Bye, honey.
- Did you hear that man?
- "Car and driver."
- Hey, man.
He's teaching Vicki
all the smooth moves.
- Are you OK?
- Never better.
You know, the least you could've
done last night was to wake me up.
You were exhausted. The girls
said I shouldn't wake you up.
That was thoughtful of them.
Hi, looking for a running mate?
- PHIL: You bet!
- I'll go with you.
- That's OK. You rest for a while.
- No, no. I'm coming.
Here I come now. OK,
up, Donner! Up, Blitzen!
Patti, forget it.
You're out of shape.
Don't worry, I'll take
good care of him.
- Patti?
- [WHIMPERS]
- You all right?
- Fine.
It's just that I find having
Clark Kent turn into Superman
wasn't quite as thrilling
as I thought it would be.
You're not worried
about the competition?
Oh, no. The competition
doesn't bother me.
It's just that I'm beginning to think
that the fat that came off of his body
all may have gone to his head.
Hey, sleeping beauty!
What? You gonna sleep all day?
I didn't get much
rest last night.
Worrying about my old buddies
in the safe cracking business.
Gasoline's so expensive, how can
they afford to use that blow torch?
JULIE: [OVER PA] We hope you
enjoyed your visit to Cabo San Lucas.
Next stop, our home
port of Los Angeles.
OK, keep both feet together
like that, nice and loose.
Or alternate feet, if you like.
Or you might
want to try this one.
Uh, I think I'll wait till
the next cruise, Doc.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, sweetheart.
I was just showing him
some rope skipping routines.
- You keep that up, you'll stay slim.
- Thanks, Doc.
I thought you might
be ready for lunch.
Oh, didn't I tell you?
Those two girls, you
know, they keep...
They've been bugging me to have
lunch with them. I couldn't keep saying no.
You don't mind
sweetheart, do you?
You know something,
Phil? I really don't.
Oh, I knew you wouldn't.
You can join us later, if
you want. It would be OK.
Goodbye, Phil.
Oh, Daddy, I had
such a wonderful time!
Oh, good.
Look at the doll Mr. Hubbard bought
me! It's handmade, one of a kind!
- And it didn't cost anything!
- It didn't?
Uh-uh, we made a bet
and we won lots of money.
Mr. Hubbard is fantastic!
Vicki, I'm glad you like
Wade. I like him too, a lot.
I want to be just like
him when I grow up.
I'm gonna live in all those foreign
places and have the best of everything.
- But that isn't always possible.
- Well, I know.
Sometimes, when you don't have the
money for a taxi, you have to take the bus.
But then you bet again and you
win some more money. It's easy.
It's not that easy.
Vicki, life is more than just a
choice between a bus and a taxi.
The work you do, the way you make
money is as important as the money itself.
But Mr. Hubbard makes
money without working.
That's just the trap I don't want
you to fall into, that philosophy.
Vicki, there's a
reward in doing a job
that "something-for-nothing"
can never equal.
- There is?
- I know it doesn't sound glamorous.
But promise me you'll think
about it. It's important to me.
All right, Daddy. I'll
think about it, I promise.
First, I've got to go show this doll to
Julie. She'll never believe it was free!
Honey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I'll get dressed in two shakes.
Patti?
Julie, have you seen Patti?
Uh-huh. She moved to Fiesta 136.
There.
[WHISPERS] Now,
this is gonna be very...
- Huh?
- [LOUDLY] I said...
That sailor has the door key to the
back room in his pocket, and we need it.
A sailor? Nothing to it.
- Hi, big boy.
- Hi.
Sure is a nice night
for a little walk on deck.
Sure is.
Babe always could get
guys to take her anywhere.
I remember.
Hey! Hey! I want...
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Are you all right, madam?
- Yes.
- Good night, then.
Good girl. You're
wonderful, honey.
Listen, we'll see
you later, all right?
What's the matter?
He called me madam.
Here, hold this.
Get started.
[DIAL CLICKING]
[DIAL CLICKING]
- It's not making any clicks.
- What do you mean?
- Did you say something?
- Yeah.
That explains it.
Nothing wrong with the
safe. It's my hearing aid.
- My battery's dead.
- Your battery's dead?
Did you say something?
My battery's dead.
So are we.
Know what? Maybe
you can listen for me.
Tell me when it clicks,
and when it clacks.
[DIAL CLICKING]
- Click.
- You say something?
- Click.
- Sure it wasn't a clack?
- [DIAL CLICKING]
- Clack.
- Clack?
- Maybe halfway. A clickety clack.
A clickety clack?
Or a clackity click?
What's going on? What
are you doing here?
- I'm breaking our engagement, Phil.
- What?
Oh, come on, Patti, you can't be
jealous just because a couple of women...
- No, I'm not jealous. Honestly.
- If you're not jealous, then what?
Phil, I don't know
who you are anymore.
And I don't know what
you're talking about.
You are not the same man that I
knew, and loved, two months ago.
No, I'm not. I left half of that
man back on a fat farm in Texas.
- Maybe the wrong half.
- Oh, Patti, come on, honey.
Look, what's inside hasn't
changed. What do you really want?
What I really want is my
old Phil Manning back.
But if I can't have that, I guess
I'll have to settle for dinner instead.
Excuse me, Phil.
Hi, Merrill. You
wanted to see me?
You look like you just found
some termites in the hull.
- Why the long face?
- It's Vicki.
- Vicki? What's the problem?
- You.
Me? What are you...?
What are you talking about?
I'm worried about
your influence over her.
All those expensive gifts.
This watch, for instance.
Where does a child her age
come off buying something like this?
Come on, you're talking
about a couple of trinkets.
Wade, you're
destroying her values!
Because I believe
in going first class?
Living for the moment? It's my
lifestyle, what's wrong with that?
Nothing, for you, but you
made that decision as an adult.
Vicki is too young to make a judgment
of that kind. She needs more time.
OK.
Let's say you're right.
What's the big deal? I'll be gone
tomorrow and so will your problem.
Wrong.
To her, you're a
glamorous, exciting figure.
She's blinded by your glitter.
It's going to take a lot of painful
work to undo that impression,
if it can be done at all.
- It'll never work!
- Huh?
It's getting were I can't tell
the clicks from the clacks!
I got fresh batteries
in my cabin.
Well, then let's get out of
here and fix your ear plug.
You go first, make
sure the coast is clear.
Here you go. I got it.
Fingers, where are you?
Who you looking for?
Don't do that!
That was a real
high-stakes game.
- The Sheik won a golf club.
- Just a golf club?
All 36 holes and a club house.
- Hi, Isaac. Hi.
- Hello, Vicki.
I thought you'd be
in the casino by now.
Pretty soon.
I wish I could go with you.
I bet we'd clean 'em out.
I don't think that would
be a very good idea.
I know, the captain would
probably skin me alive!
If I could only convince
him how lucky we always are.
Yeah.
You certainly were lucky for
Gopher and me this afternoon.
Winning sure beats working.
Well, I got to go. I promised Julie I'd
help her with the ping-pong tournament.
Hold on a minute, Vicki.
I noticed this afternoon that
the clasp was a little loose.
Yeah, it sure is.
Why don't I have
them fix it for you, or
you'll have pearls
running all over the deck?
Thanks.
I'll be at the casino later.
You can pick them up there.
OK. Good luck.
I'm glad Babe made us have dinner
first. I always do better after a meal.
It raises the blood
sugar count in my fingers.
All right, get at it.
You want your envelope
back? I got the key for it.
The safe, the safe. Come on!
[DIAL CLICKING]
- Beautiful! Just like music!
- Can you hear all right?
- [CLUNK]
- You can't do it.
I did it. It's open.
You did it! You did it!
Hi.
Oh, hi, Julie.
Beautiful night, isn't it?
Oh, it sure is. Too
beautiful to spend alone.
My sentiments exactly.
Then maybe you'd like
to meet a friend of mine.
Oh, thanks, Julie, but I
don't think so, not right now.
Well, you might like
him. He's pretty special.
Miss Billet, may I introduce
Mr. Philadelphia Fats?
I think we've met.
Oh, well, in that case,
if you'll excuse me.
What are you doing
in that silly suit?
Oh, I plan to fill it out,
with real blubber, of course.
Why? You look sensational.
Your new body's a smash.
I know.
But if it means losing
you, it's not worth it.
Do you really think
how much you weigh
could actually affect
how much I loved you?
Maybe not, but it affected
how much I loved me.
Old Philadelphia Fats
never got any attention.
Now, with the new body,
I got too much attention.
I guess I just
couldn't handle it.
- Couldn't? Past tense?
- Very past tense.
Thinking about spending the rest of
my life without you, there's just no way.
I want to come home, Patti.
Fat or skinny, can I come home?
Oh, Phil!
Fat or skinny, you are home.
MAN: We have 27 red.
We have no winners!
No winners, except on
odds. Excuse me, sir.
[GAMBLERS CHEERING ELSEWHERE]
- Place your bets, place your bets.
- Are you winning?
- I'm afraid not.
- Well, you will. Did you fix my pearls?
Oh, about those, um...
I was starting on a hot streak
and I figured you'd want in on it.
And this other player
offered me cash for them, so...
You mean you sold my pearls?
Well, he gave me $250 for
them. That's pretty good, isn't it?
But you gave them to me.
But they didn't cost you
anything, so stop whining.
The bottom line
is, I blew the 250.
Then... they're gone?
Yeah, but if I'd have won, you
would have had four strings of pearls.
But those are the breaks.
I wish you'd have asked me first.
I'd have never sold your present.
Why don't you stop acting like a cry
baby and learn to take your lumps?
And shape up.
MAN: On we go again.
No more. Two, black.
[CORK POPS]
Oh, happy days are here again!
- Ha-ha! Here.
- I never touch the stuff.
Here, honey.
Ah, we did it, we did it!
- You know what this means?
- Yep.
It means we're on the lam again.
Yeah, you'll sure never go
back to that little house no more.
I hope somebody
waters your begonias.
Well, if nobody's going to
say it, I will. It ain't worth it.
- Come on, Babe.
- No, I mean it!
We've been kidding ourselves.
All these years we've been
waiting to make that one big score
to make us happy, and
you know something?
We already were happy.
We don't need this.
Well, maybe we
don't, but Fingers does.
Not really.
Hildegard, she's my lady friend,
she's got a nice little
"mom and pop" store.
Only, now she's a
widow, it's just a mom store
and she's kinda shopping
around for a new pop.
HARRY: Oh, boy!
I was hoping that the old Arona
gang would finish up in a blaze of glory.
It will, Harry.
It is going to finish
in a blaze of glory.
We're going to do something
that no other gang ever did.
Like what?
- Like putting all the loot back.
- Oh...
It's OK by me. I just
won't buy gasoline.
One thing, Babe, are
you really trying to say
we shouldn't go through
with this because...
we've grown too old?
No, Harry. Because
we've grown too wise.
[ZIPPER RUNS]
- Oh, Philsy.
- Hi.
We missed you last night, and
you missed the time of your life.
I don't think I did.
Hey, Phil, Patti! I hope
you enjoyed your cruise.
- Oh, we certainly did.
- Listen, you're really something else!
No desserts, no goodies, I
mean you really have willpower!
I bet you can resist anything.
Not quite, Isaac. Not quite.
All right! So long!
Come and see us again.
Merrill.
Ooh, I hear you had a
run of bad luck last night.
- It happens. Occupational hazard.
- Lose much?
More than I've ever lost before.
Did Vicki tell you about
my selling her pearls?
Yes, and I believe that about as
much as I believe in the tooth fairy.
- I'm going to tell her the truth.
- No, no.
You don't know how
much that tempts me.
We've got to play out the hand
or this whole lesson will be wasted.
- Let her hate me a little longer.
- Oh, I don't think she hates you.
Well, someday, when she's
old enough to see things straight,
you give her back her pearls, and tell
her that old Mr. Lucky really did care.
Wade.
You didn't lose last night.
You've never been a
bigger winner in your life.
Well, I hope you folks
enjoyed your cruise.
Oh, we sure did. I wouldn't
trade it for a million bucks!
Or a half a million, anyway.
There are people waiting to get their
things out of the safe deposit boxes.
Doc, I know, I lost my key.
I sent for the Chief Purser.
Oh! Well, I'll say goodbye.
- OK. Bye, bye.
- Bye, bye.
I don't understand it, I
always keep it right in this...
And if you can't remember
the combination, sonny,
it's 38, 11 and 22.
- Uh...
- What's the matter?
That's it!
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
Excuse me. Has a Mr. Phil
Manning checked in yet?
I'll see, Phil Manning...
I don't think so.
Oh, you'd remember Phil if you'd seen
him. They call him Philadelphia Fats.
He's six feet tall and
twice as wide, but lovable.
I can't wait to see him. He's been
away on a business trip for two months.
- I'm meeting him here.
- We'll keep an eye out for you.
Thank you.
Boy, I've got to start
eating more junk food.
These roly-poly guys
are getting all the girls!
- Hello, welcome aboard.
- Hi, thank you.
My name is Phil Manning. I'm
looking for a Miss Patti Billet.
You're Philadelphia Fats?
Well, I used to be, but I've been on a
diet. I guess you've already met Patti.
Hi, honey.
- Get away from me! Who do you think...?
- Hey, Patti. It's me, it's Phil. Honest.
I didn't go on a business trip. I went
to a fat farm. I'm a half a ton lighter!
Wow, what a difference!
It's a whole new
me. You like it?
Do I? I love it!
What a turn on! This is like starting
all over again with a total stranger.
You'll like Wade Hubbard,
Vicki. He's a very special man.
I've known him for 20 years.
If you're so close, seems
you'd be in touch more often.
Well, he's a professional gambler.
He has to go where the action is.
You know, Las
Vegas, Monte Carlo.
There he is!
Merrill!
Wade! Ha-ha! Welcome aboard!
Thank you Captain Merrill
Stubing and this has got to be Vicki.
- Hi.
- Hi, Vicki. Will you marry me?
- I'm her father, shouldn't you ask me?
- I don't want to marry you.
- Wade, it's been a long time.
- Yes, it has, too long.
Oh, I brought you
something, Vicki.
- For me?
- Yeah.
- They're gorgeous!
- Wade, aren't you overdoing it?
Relax, Merrill. I
didn't pay for them.
A long shot at Santa
Anita picked up the tab.
I don't know what you
mean by a long shot,
but I'd sure like to
know more about it!
Voilà!
Excuse me.
How do I find Aloha
Deck, cabin 350?
Right through those doors,
turn left and it's one deck down.
Aloha 350. That's a
single cabin, isn't it?
Uh-uh, but let's hope it's
not a permanent condition.
Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe it, boss.
Out of prison one day and here I
am, all new duds, off on a luxury liner!
Nothing's too good for a
pal from the old Arona Gang.
You're the best safecracker
in the business, Fingers.
Not really, but you were
the best pickpocket, Babe.
And Harry, nobody could
run a holdup any slicker.
Let's keep that all quiet, huh?
As a matter of fact, I think we
ought to check in separately.
Why don't you go first? Go.
- Welcome aboard. You are...?
- 4379285.
- I mean Berski. I'm Matson Berski.
- Mr. Berski.
Ah, yes, you are on
Fiesta Deck, cabin 130.
That's just around to
your left. Enjoy your cruise.
I will. It's so great being out!
- You mean "out to sea"?
- No, just out.
Fingers?
The guards are very nice here.
Why don't you go
up and get unpacked?
- We'll meet you up on deck later.
- Yeah.
- When are you going to tell him, Harry?
- Fingers ain't gonna be no problem.
Especially when he knows we're gonna
be splitting up a half a million bucks.
Are you sure the ship
carries that much dough?
I got the straight word. They bring that
much on board for the gambling casino.
It's all in the ship's safe, but
it's all going to go home with us.
Oh, I'm crazy about
you, you big lug.
[HORN BLASTS]
So, what gave you the
idea to go to a fat farm?
Well, you did, for one thing.
I got tired of everybody always
teasing me about my weight.
I finally decided to
do something about it.
I've still got some pounds to
go, but I'm well on the way, right?
Well, I can't believe it!
Under my chubby little Phil, you
were hiding Burt Reynolds. Ooh!
If I'd known this was going to be your
reaction I would have done it years ago.
- I'll go get us some drinks, huh?
- Hurry back.
Hi, there.
Me?
Hi.
- Please say he's not married.
- Huh? Who?
- That guy you were just talking to.
- Oh, no, he's not married.
Great.
What does that mean, "great"?
Gives me someone to point for.
Well, point it somewhere
else. He's already taken.
Yours?
We've been going
together for three years now.
He's awfully cute. Better
keep an eye on him.
- Saving up for a rainy day, huh?
- Yeah.
I want to buy a present for my
dad. Tonight's our anniversary.
Oh, anniversary, huh?
Two years ago, he adopted me
officially. You won't tell him, will you?
About the present, I mean.
I want it to be a surprise.
- Which one do you like?
- This one.
Oh, that's a very pretty one.
But there's no way I'm
going to be able to afford it.
I guess I'll just have
to settle for a tie.
I'll tell you what... have
the lady hold it for you.
- You're going to buy it.
- But how? I don't have enough money.
- I can't...
- A nice horse is going to help us out.
I'll meet you on the
Starlight Deck in half an hour.
I'll be there!
- This is the Fiesta Deck.
- Well, maybe he got lost somewhere.
Oh, here. Fingers?
- FINGERS: Present.
- Present?
Why didn't you meet us on deck?
I was waiting for them to
come and unlock the door.
Oh, how stupid I am! I can't seem
to realize I'm not locked in anymore.
Ssh!
I asked you to be
quiet about that, didn't I?
But now I can open the door
and go out anytime I want, can't I?
- Sure you can.
- I've got great news.
- Will you listen a minute?
- Let me turn up the volume.
The prison metal shop was
awful noisy. My ears are kinda shot.
Testing, testing.
Say something, Harry.
Does that mean you can't
open safes anymore? Does it?
Oh, I'm sure I can still open
'em. This hearing aid is great.
- But about safes, Harry.
- What about them?
You don't have to worry about
me. I'll never break the law again.
- What are you talking about?
- After all, you two went straight.
I guess I can, too.
Believe me, boss, you can
trust me. I won't let you down,
I'll never touch
another safe, I promise.
- So the heist is off?
- No. Now, don't worry. It's still on.
Somehow, I'm gonna get him to
use his brain again, if I can find it!
OK, here I am.
Give me a few more minutes,
Vicki. I have some homework to finish.
- Homework? Come on!
- No, I'm being serious.
Figuring out which horse is going
to run faster than the others in a race
is one of the ways I earn a living,
and it takes a lot of homework.
"Boogaloo Baby. Ch, G, 6F."
- Is that English?
- Almost.
It means the horse is a chestnut
gelding and the race is six furlongs.
Oh, look at that
one! Merry Mermaid.
- Now, that's a pretty name!
- It sure is.
The problem is that horse
couldn't win a horse race
even if all the other
jockeys rode backwards.
I think she's gonna
win. I like the name.
You do, huh?
Well, as long as you're
being scientific about it,
I don't see how we can not
put a bet on Merry Mermaid.
Good.
Now, if you can show me
where the ship-to-shore phone is,
- I shall call Las Vegas.
- Yes, sir.
- Ten bucks.
- You betcha.
Hey, honey, how about this
to go with your tux tonight?
It's a little flashy, isn't it?
- Yeah, it goes with your new body.
- I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
Don't you just love this?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Take the silk job, it's you.
- You really think so?
- Definitely.
- Save me a dance at the party tonight.
- Well, he's not really...
That's OK. I'll do that.
I just love silk. Can't
keep my hands off of it.
See you later.
I think maybe you're right. This
is probably a little bit too flashy.
- How about this?
- With a tux?
I think I will go
with the silk job.
Like you said, it does go
with the new body, and...
when you've got
it, flaunt it, right?
Right. Flaunt it.
It's kind of small but
I'm sure it's a nice place.
It's been very
nice talking to you.
Hey, come on, I'll buy you a drink, a
nice strong drink, and then we'll talk.
You know I don't drink, but you
know what I would like? Seltzer water.
- A little two cents plain.
- [LAUGHS] Are you kidding?
Do you know what a two cent
plain's going for nowadays?
- It can't cost more than two cents.
- Oh, really?
Isaac, what are you getting
for bubble water, today?
- Imported, a dollar and a quarter.
- A dollar and a quarter? Forget it!
Excuse us.
Listen, you're coming out
into a whole different world, pal.
You're going to need a lot of money
just to even get by, maybe. A lot of money!
What did we pay for gas in
the old days for the getaway car?
19 cents a gallon.
- Ha-ha!
- Ha-ha! What?
You ready? $1.34 today.
- Oh, come on!
- You don't believe it? Ask him.
$1.34!
How much is gasoline?
- Gasoline?
- Yeah.
Oh, we don't serve much of that here. I
suggest you stick with the bubbly water.
No, no, for the car! What
do you pay for gas today?
Oh, anywhere from a
dollar and a quarter up.
Gee, I was hoping to
open a little fix-it shop,
but if everything's
at these prices...
Excuse us.
- There might be a way.
- What do you mean?
I understand there's a half a
million in cash in the ship's safe.
Well, you want to
go straight, don't you?
You're gonna need some
money to get started, won't you?
Right.
We'll knock off the ship's safe
so that we can keep you from
sliding back into a life of crime.
- You know what I mean?
- I guess so.
Boy, Harry! You know, going straight
is more confusing than I thought.
It's an easy job. It's
like rolling out of bed.
The last time I had a job easy as rolling
out of bed, I rolled right into prison.
All set, honey?
Ta-da!
- Wow, you look gorgeous.
- So do you.
Yeah, that what's-her-name,
Sheena, was right.
This shirt really
does feel good. Try it.
Nice!
Phil, I have a better idea.
Since it's been such a long day,
why don't we just skip the festivities,
have an early meal in the cabin,
and we can watch a little television?
Sweetheart, there's
no television on a ship.
Well, I'll just have to some
other way to keep you occupied.
First, we're going to have
a chance to do something
you never got a chance to do
with the old Philadelphia Fats.
- We're going to dance up a storm!
- But honey, it's gonna be so crowded.
So what? That'll give me a chance
to show off my lady. Come on.
What do you say?
OK, but I want you to know that
nobody else is going to get a chance
- to see how nice that shirt feels.
- Mm-hm.
No winners. Thank
you very much...
ISAAC: [WHISTLES] Hey!
You sure look beautiful, Beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Feel like joining us for dinner tonight?
Sorry, fellas.
- She's dining with me tonight.
- [GAMBLERS CHEER]
I've got something for you.
$200? I don't understand.
Merry Mermaid won!
She won? She really did?
By six lengths, going
away. She paid 20 to one!
- But this money isn't really mine.
- It certainly is.
If we'd lost, I'd have taken your
money. After all, you picked the horse.
- Vicki did?
- She sure did.
- Then it's really mine?
- Every dime, baby.
What are you gonna
do with all that loot, Vic?
You'll find out later.
Here. Here! Give this to the
guy and tell him to lock it up.
That way you'll have a chance
to find out what the safe looks like.
- What's in it?
- Blank paper, nothing.
But he won't lock up an
envelope with nothing in it.
He don't know there's
nothing in it, dummy.
You are smart, Harry. That's
why you were always boss.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Would you lock this
up in the safe for me?
Certainly. Be glad to
do it. Just come this way.
- Thank you.
- It's nothing.
How do you know that?
Would you lock it up, anyway?
I'm sure it'll be very
safe in your safe.
You probably have
a very safe safe.
FINGERS: A safe... place, ha-ha.
Besides, nobody would ever try to
knock off a safe way out here in the ocean.
Never!
Now, we'll put your
valuables in a safe deposit box.
We really just use the
safe for ship's business.
It's all the same to me.
I don't know the slightest thing
about safes, one's just like another.
I see you've got a
Burgess-Stillwell 210 series,
triple-bolted, with a concentric
multi-cam cylinder intrusions.
Just a wild guess.
Here's your key. It takes
two keys to open these boxes.
Your valuables will be as safe
in here as they would be in there.
Safer.
Sorry I was late. I had
some last-minute things to do.
Hey.
Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
It's a token of my love,
and to thank you for two
of the best years of my life.
- I love it, Daddy! And I love you, too!
- Thank you.
Here, let me put it on for you.
OK.
How does it look?
I think it's perfect on
you, don't you think so?
Yes, it's fine,
honey. It's just fine.
Open it now.
- Oh!
- What a beautiful watch!
Vicki, how could you ever...?
I bought it! Mr. Hubbard
made a bet and I won!
It's true, Merrill.
She picked the horse.
Way to go! Next
time, pick one for me!
But Vicki, you still shouldn't
have spent so much money.
Oh, that's OK, Daddy. Mr. Hubbard
says I'm going to win a lot more.
She's a natural, Merrill. She's got
the instincts, and she's beautiful.
When you grow up, honey, you're gonna
be one lady who can beat the system.
[BAND PLAYING DISCO MUSIC]
Boy, the guys in the old
cell block should see me now!
Ooh! Gee, where'd you
learn all these fancy steps?
At the fat farm.
One of the exercises.
We had dance class three
times a day. Nothing to it.
[MUSIC STOPS]
[APPLAUSE]
Honey, I can't believe it. Women
wanting to dance with me. Did you see it?
- [MUSIC STARTS]
- I saw.
Listen, sweetie, why don't we call
it a night? You must be exhausted.
Patti, this is a vacation. We don't
have to get up early. I'm raring to go!
Oh, well, I'll tell you what.
Sweetie, I'm bushed. Why don't I...?
- Come on, Philsy.
- Never mind. Let's dance.
So, you two have been
laying low all these years?
We even changed our name.
Big Harry Arona and Babe are
now Mr. and Mrs. Harold Handley.
Harry manages a car wash. I
work at the hospital as a receptionist.
We have the cutest
little house in the valley.
He raises begonias,
the greatest!
Yeah, but that dull
life is all finished.
Listen, we'd better get started.
- We're not gonna do it tonight, are we?
- Why not?
I met a nice lady this afternoon
and I invited her to go dancing.
That's OK. Go for it. We can
always pull the job tomorrow night.
Ah, thanks.
Oh, there she is. See you later.
Thanks.
Honey, he's entitled to one night
of fun after being away so long.
Relax, honey. A little
dancing won't hurt him.
Besides, he'll be in better
shape to do the job for us.
I'm not so sure. That clown is
liable stepping on his own fingers.
You know...
Boy, I really hated to leave. They're
going to be dancing up there for hours.
Honey, are you sure
you don't want to go back?
Positive. I have been dying
to get out of there all night.
Oh, of course you
wanted to leave.
You never wanted to go!
What's the matter with me?
Here we are, two lovers,
separated for months.
A romantic night,
and I'm making like John Travolta,
while you're in the mood for love.
Oh, honey, are you
sure you're not tired?
The old tubby me would have been,
but now I got the energy of a teenager.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Yeah, it's me.
Uh, hang on a minute, I'll ask.
The gang wants us to
come back to the dance.
No, Patti's not in the mood.
No, I'd better not. I'll see
you tomorrow. Bye, bye.
Honey, I've got an
idea. Why not...?
Patti.
Patti.
[SIGHS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Come on, Phil, the
dance is still going.
JULIE: [OVER PA] Good
morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Shore launches for Cabo San
Lucas are now boarding passengers.
Why don't you come ashore with
us, Merrill? We'll have some fun.
- Oh, please, Daddy?
- I'm sorry.
- I have too much to do on board.
- Mr. Hubbard! Vicki!
Oh, good, we
thought we'd miss you!
Listen, if you find any action
ashore, we want part of it.
Yeah. Whatever Vicki bets
on, put us down for ten bucks.
- Apiece.
- OK, you've got it. Wish us luck.
STUBING: I'm afraid
you're out of luck.
I don't think you'll find any
gambling in Cabo San Lucas.
Come on, Merrill, there's
no place in the world
a man can't find a little action,
if he knows where to look.
[SHIP HORN BLOWS]
The launch is getting ready to
go. You guys had better leave.
OK, princess.
- Let's find ourselves a car and driver.
- Bye, Daddy.
- Bye!
- Bye.
- Bye, honey.
- Did you hear that man?
- "Car and driver."
- Hey, man.
He's teaching Vicki
all the smooth moves.
- Are you OK?
- Never better.
You know, the least you could've
done last night was to wake me up.
You were exhausted. The girls
said I shouldn't wake you up.
That was thoughtful of them.
Hi, looking for a running mate?
- PHIL: You bet!
- I'll go with you.
- That's OK. You rest for a while.
- No, no. I'm coming.
Here I come now. OK,
up, Donner! Up, Blitzen!
Patti, forget it.
You're out of shape.
Don't worry, I'll take
good care of him.
- Patti?
- [WHIMPERS]
- You all right?
- Fine.
It's just that I find having
Clark Kent turn into Superman
wasn't quite as thrilling
as I thought it would be.
You're not worried
about the competition?
Oh, no. The competition
doesn't bother me.
It's just that I'm beginning to think
that the fat that came off of his body
all may have gone to his head.
Hey, sleeping beauty!
What? You gonna sleep all day?
I didn't get much
rest last night.
Worrying about my old buddies
in the safe cracking business.
Gasoline's so expensive, how can
they afford to use that blow torch?
JULIE: [OVER PA] We hope you
enjoyed your visit to Cabo San Lucas.
Next stop, our home
port of Los Angeles.
OK, keep both feet together
like that, nice and loose.
Or alternate feet, if you like.
Or you might
want to try this one.
Uh, I think I'll wait till
the next cruise, Doc.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, sweetheart.
I was just showing him
some rope skipping routines.
- You keep that up, you'll stay slim.
- Thanks, Doc.
I thought you might
be ready for lunch.
Oh, didn't I tell you?
Those two girls, you
know, they keep...
They've been bugging me to have
lunch with them. I couldn't keep saying no.
You don't mind
sweetheart, do you?
You know something,
Phil? I really don't.
Oh, I knew you wouldn't.
You can join us later, if
you want. It would be OK.
Goodbye, Phil.
Oh, Daddy, I had
such a wonderful time!
Oh, good.
Look at the doll Mr. Hubbard bought
me! It's handmade, one of a kind!
- And it didn't cost anything!
- It didn't?
Uh-uh, we made a bet
and we won lots of money.
Mr. Hubbard is fantastic!
Vicki, I'm glad you like
Wade. I like him too, a lot.
I want to be just like
him when I grow up.
I'm gonna live in all those foreign
places and have the best of everything.
- But that isn't always possible.
- Well, I know.
Sometimes, when you don't have the
money for a taxi, you have to take the bus.
But then you bet again and you
win some more money. It's easy.
It's not that easy.
Vicki, life is more than just a
choice between a bus and a taxi.
The work you do, the way you make
money is as important as the money itself.
But Mr. Hubbard makes
money without working.
That's just the trap I don't want
you to fall into, that philosophy.
Vicki, there's a
reward in doing a job
that "something-for-nothing"
can never equal.
- There is?
- I know it doesn't sound glamorous.
But promise me you'll think
about it. It's important to me.
All right, Daddy. I'll
think about it, I promise.
First, I've got to go show this doll to
Julie. She'll never believe it was free!
Honey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I'll get dressed in two shakes.
Patti?
Julie, have you seen Patti?
Uh-huh. She moved to Fiesta 136.
There.
[WHISPERS] Now,
this is gonna be very...
- Huh?
- [LOUDLY] I said...
That sailor has the door key to the
back room in his pocket, and we need it.
A sailor? Nothing to it.
- Hi, big boy.
- Hi.
Sure is a nice night
for a little walk on deck.
Sure is.
Babe always could get
guys to take her anywhere.
I remember.
Hey! Hey! I want...
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Are you all right, madam?
- Yes.
- Good night, then.
Good girl. You're
wonderful, honey.
Listen, we'll see
you later, all right?
What's the matter?
He called me madam.
Here, hold this.
Get started.
[DIAL CLICKING]
[DIAL CLICKING]
- It's not making any clicks.
- What do you mean?
- Did you say something?
- Yeah.
That explains it.
Nothing wrong with the
safe. It's my hearing aid.
- My battery's dead.
- Your battery's dead?
Did you say something?
My battery's dead.
So are we.
Know what? Maybe
you can listen for me.
Tell me when it clicks,
and when it clacks.
[DIAL CLICKING]
- Click.
- You say something?
- Click.
- Sure it wasn't a clack?
- [DIAL CLICKING]
- Clack.
- Clack?
- Maybe halfway. A clickety clack.
A clickety clack?
Or a clackity click?
What's going on? What
are you doing here?
- I'm breaking our engagement, Phil.
- What?
Oh, come on, Patti, you can't be
jealous just because a couple of women...
- No, I'm not jealous. Honestly.
- If you're not jealous, then what?
Phil, I don't know
who you are anymore.
And I don't know what
you're talking about.
You are not the same man that I
knew, and loved, two months ago.
No, I'm not. I left half of that
man back on a fat farm in Texas.
- Maybe the wrong half.
- Oh, Patti, come on, honey.
Look, what's inside hasn't
changed. What do you really want?
What I really want is my
old Phil Manning back.
But if I can't have that, I guess
I'll have to settle for dinner instead.
Excuse me, Phil.
Hi, Merrill. You
wanted to see me?
You look like you just found
some termites in the hull.
- Why the long face?
- It's Vicki.
- Vicki? What's the problem?
- You.
Me? What are you...?
What are you talking about?
I'm worried about
your influence over her.
All those expensive gifts.
This watch, for instance.
Where does a child her age
come off buying something like this?
Come on, you're talking
about a couple of trinkets.
Wade, you're
destroying her values!
Because I believe
in going first class?
Living for the moment? It's my
lifestyle, what's wrong with that?
Nothing, for you, but you
made that decision as an adult.
Vicki is too young to make a judgment
of that kind. She needs more time.
OK.
Let's say you're right.
What's the big deal? I'll be gone
tomorrow and so will your problem.
Wrong.
To her, you're a
glamorous, exciting figure.
She's blinded by your glitter.
It's going to take a lot of painful
work to undo that impression,
if it can be done at all.
- It'll never work!
- Huh?
It's getting were I can't tell
the clicks from the clacks!
I got fresh batteries
in my cabin.
Well, then let's get out of
here and fix your ear plug.
You go first, make
sure the coast is clear.
Here you go. I got it.
Fingers, where are you?
Who you looking for?
Don't do that!
That was a real
high-stakes game.
- The Sheik won a golf club.
- Just a golf club?
All 36 holes and a club house.
- Hi, Isaac. Hi.
- Hello, Vicki.
I thought you'd be
in the casino by now.
Pretty soon.
I wish I could go with you.
I bet we'd clean 'em out.
I don't think that would
be a very good idea.
I know, the captain would
probably skin me alive!
If I could only convince
him how lucky we always are.
Yeah.
You certainly were lucky for
Gopher and me this afternoon.
Winning sure beats working.
Well, I got to go. I promised Julie I'd
help her with the ping-pong tournament.
Hold on a minute, Vicki.
I noticed this afternoon that
the clasp was a little loose.
Yeah, it sure is.
Why don't I have
them fix it for you, or
you'll have pearls
running all over the deck?
Thanks.
I'll be at the casino later.
You can pick them up there.
OK. Good luck.
I'm glad Babe made us have dinner
first. I always do better after a meal.
It raises the blood
sugar count in my fingers.
All right, get at it.
You want your envelope
back? I got the key for it.
The safe, the safe. Come on!
[DIAL CLICKING]
- Beautiful! Just like music!
- Can you hear all right?
- [CLUNK]
- You can't do it.
I did it. It's open.
You did it! You did it!
Hi.
Oh, hi, Julie.
Beautiful night, isn't it?
Oh, it sure is. Too
beautiful to spend alone.
My sentiments exactly.
Then maybe you'd like
to meet a friend of mine.
Oh, thanks, Julie, but I
don't think so, not right now.
Well, you might like
him. He's pretty special.
Miss Billet, may I introduce
Mr. Philadelphia Fats?
I think we've met.
Oh, well, in that case,
if you'll excuse me.
What are you doing
in that silly suit?
Oh, I plan to fill it out,
with real blubber, of course.
Why? You look sensational.
Your new body's a smash.
I know.
But if it means losing
you, it's not worth it.
Do you really think
how much you weigh
could actually affect
how much I loved you?
Maybe not, but it affected
how much I loved me.
Old Philadelphia Fats
never got any attention.
Now, with the new body,
I got too much attention.
I guess I just
couldn't handle it.
- Couldn't? Past tense?
- Very past tense.
Thinking about spending the rest of
my life without you, there's just no way.
I want to come home, Patti.
Fat or skinny, can I come home?
Oh, Phil!
Fat or skinny, you are home.
MAN: We have 27 red.
We have no winners!
No winners, except on
odds. Excuse me, sir.
[GAMBLERS CHEERING ELSEWHERE]
- Place your bets, place your bets.
- Are you winning?
- I'm afraid not.
- Well, you will. Did you fix my pearls?
Oh, about those, um...
I was starting on a hot streak
and I figured you'd want in on it.
And this other player
offered me cash for them, so...
You mean you sold my pearls?
Well, he gave me $250 for
them. That's pretty good, isn't it?
But you gave them to me.
But they didn't cost you
anything, so stop whining.
The bottom line
is, I blew the 250.
Then... they're gone?
Yeah, but if I'd have won, you
would have had four strings of pearls.
But those are the breaks.
I wish you'd have asked me first.
I'd have never sold your present.
Why don't you stop acting like a cry
baby and learn to take your lumps?
And shape up.
MAN: On we go again.
No more. Two, black.
[CORK POPS]
Oh, happy days are here again!
- Ha-ha! Here.
- I never touch the stuff.
Here, honey.
Ah, we did it, we did it!
- You know what this means?
- Yep.
It means we're on the lam again.
Yeah, you'll sure never go
back to that little house no more.
I hope somebody
waters your begonias.
Well, if nobody's going to
say it, I will. It ain't worth it.
- Come on, Babe.
- No, I mean it!
We've been kidding ourselves.
All these years we've been
waiting to make that one big score
to make us happy, and
you know something?
We already were happy.
We don't need this.
Well, maybe we
don't, but Fingers does.
Not really.
Hildegard, she's my lady friend,
she's got a nice little
"mom and pop" store.
Only, now she's a
widow, it's just a mom store
and she's kinda shopping
around for a new pop.
HARRY: Oh, boy!
I was hoping that the old Arona
gang would finish up in a blaze of glory.
It will, Harry.
It is going to finish
in a blaze of glory.
We're going to do something
that no other gang ever did.
Like what?
- Like putting all the loot back.
- Oh...
It's OK by me. I just
won't buy gasoline.
One thing, Babe, are
you really trying to say
we shouldn't go through
with this because...
we've grown too old?
No, Harry. Because
we've grown too wise.
[ZIPPER RUNS]
- Oh, Philsy.
- Hi.
We missed you last night, and
you missed the time of your life.
I don't think I did.
Hey, Phil, Patti! I hope
you enjoyed your cruise.
- Oh, we certainly did.
- Listen, you're really something else!
No desserts, no goodies, I
mean you really have willpower!
I bet you can resist anything.
Not quite, Isaac. Not quite.
All right! So long!
Come and see us again.
Merrill.
Ooh, I hear you had a
run of bad luck last night.
- It happens. Occupational hazard.
- Lose much?
More than I've ever lost before.
Did Vicki tell you about
my selling her pearls?
Yes, and I believe that about as
much as I believe in the tooth fairy.
- I'm going to tell her the truth.
- No, no.
You don't know how
much that tempts me.
We've got to play out the hand
or this whole lesson will be wasted.
- Let her hate me a little longer.
- Oh, I don't think she hates you.
Well, someday, when she's
old enough to see things straight,
you give her back her pearls, and tell
her that old Mr. Lucky really did care.
Wade.
You didn't lose last night.
You've never been a
bigger winner in your life.
Well, I hope you folks
enjoyed your cruise.
Oh, we sure did. I wouldn't
trade it for a million bucks!
Or a half a million, anyway.
There are people waiting to get their
things out of the safe deposit boxes.
Doc, I know, I lost my key.
I sent for the Chief Purser.
Oh! Well, I'll say goodbye.
- OK. Bye, bye.
- Bye, bye.
I don't understand it, I
always keep it right in this...
And if you can't remember
the combination, sonny,
it's 38, 11 and 22.
- Uh...
- What's the matter?
That's it!