The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 4, Episode 14 - Trigamist, The/Jealousy/From Here to Maternity - full transcript
[THEME TUNE STARTS]
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
Ah, fellas, wait
till you see her.
- This girl is really something.
- She must be.
- I've never seen you so turned on, Doc.
- I've never seen him turned off.
Hi, Doc.
Mona, honey!
You just don't know how I've
been looking forward to this.
Oh, you're playing my song.
I tell you what, why don't we go up to
my cabin and you can help me unpack?
Or we can go to my cabin.
- But you don't have to unpack.
- Right. It'll save us time.
"Mona, honey."
Excuse me. Could we go ahead
of you, sir? My wife is expecting.
We're Mr. and Mrs.
Arthur Talmadge.
- Well, hello.
- Yes.
Yes, you're on this
deck, Promenade 340.
How far is that from
the doctor's office?
- Oh, Arthur!
- Let's see.
Your cabin is toward the stern, and the
Doctor's midship, about four decks down.
Now, that isn't good enough. Could
we get a cabin a little bit closer, please?
Arthur, for heaven's sake.
I'm not due for over two months.
Two months? I think
your cabin's close enough.
See that girl? She wants me.
Who? That lady
didn't even look at you.
- You noticed, huh?
- Yeah
They all use that old ignoring trick.
You'd think they'd try something new.
There's a Miss Bradley coming aboard.
I'm told she's an important designer.
- Show her the usual courtesies.
- One fruit basket coming up, Captain.
And arrange a suitable
dinner companion.
- Yes, sir.
- Excuse me. I'm Linda Bradley.
You're Linda Bradley?
Welcome aboard.
You're in Promenade 101.
Oh, thank you.
I'm Captain Merrill Stubing.
Uh... The passageways
can be confusing.
May I escort you?
Why, that's very kind,
but you must be so busy.
No.
No.
Sir, before you go, if
you've got a minute...
- Is the ship sinking?
- No.
Then I don't have a minute.
Hello! [CHUCKLES]
Your name, please?
Uh... Harper, Harrison Harper.
OK. Yes, you're in cabin
F131 on the Fiesta Deck.
Oh, see I was kind of hoping to
keep away from people this cruise.
Fiesta Deck sounds like it might
be a little too loud and festive for me.
Would you have anything
called the Peace and Quiet deck?
Well, maybe we can move
you later. [CHUCKLES]
- Enjoy your cruise, Mr. Harper.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello. I'm Judge Joanna Atkinson.
- Welcome aboard, Your Honor.
- Thank you.
Uh... Excuse me, did that
gentleman say his name was Harper?
Yes, Harrison Harper.
Do you know him?
Yes, I do, and I'm gonna keep
remembering him for two more years,
because that's the amount of
time I've put him on probation.
- Oh?
- Oh, not that kind of probation.
No, Mr. Harper was
brought into my court
for marrying too many women,
more than the law allows.
That nice, nervous little
man was a bigamist?
No, that nice nervous
little man was a trigamist.
[HORN BLASTS]
Great!
Are you a professional
artist, too, Miss Bradley?
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
No. I'm a designer by
trade and an artist for kicks,
and a golfer just
to keep me humble.
Hm. Take notes, Vicki. I think I've
just met an almost perfect woman.
- Yes, sir!
- Here you are.
Oh!
- Almost?
- Well, perfection includes cooking.
- And I don't think you...
- Correction!
- I just happen to be a gourmet cook.
- I don't believe it.
Now, would I lie
about a thing like that?
- Can you make a baked Alaska?
- Kid's stuff.
- One arm tied behind my back.
- Wow!
I'm impressed. Vicki, I think
maybe your father's falling in love.
Uh-uh! Careful, Captain. You know
how women are about men in uniform.
[STUBING CHUCKLES]
- What do you think?
- Oh, I like it. Uh... Dad!
- Hm?
- It's time for my navigation lesson.
Oh, er, Vicki... Can
we do that later?
Right now, I'd like to challenge
Miss Bradley to some ping-pong.
- There must be something she can't do.
- I'll play the winner!
Vicki, now don't ruin that sketch.
Find Gopher and get a frame for it.
Come on, let's see how you
can handle a real challenge.
You got a deal.
We shouldn't have come.
Oh Arthur, I wanted
to come on this cruise.
After the baby's born,
we won't have the time.
Believe me, I'm fine. So please
let's just relax and enjoy the trip.
How can I relax when I know
you're going to give birth any minute?
Arthur!
You know in my family all
the babies are premature.
I was born on an airplane,
my brother was born in Dodger Stadium
and my sister was born in a restaurant,
between the salad
and the lamb chops.
I'll be right back.
- Excuse me. Could you call the doctor?
- Certainly.
- Is there some sort of emergency?
- Yes, my wife is having a baby.
Oh, my!
Dr. Bricker, please.
This is an emergency!
Thank you. He's in his cabin.
They're connecting me now.
Thank you.
Mona... [SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Dr. Bricker.
Now?
I'll be right back.
Mind my place.
- Mr. Harper?
- Yes.
Mr. Harper, I'm Judge Atkinson,
the judge who sentenced you.
Oh! I'm glad to see you.
Most of these tours
seem to feature churches.
- Would you maybe go with me?
- Go with you?
For protection, of course.
See, every time I've ever gone
into a church, I come out married.
- Except once.
- And what happened that time?
It was a funeral.
But then, I went up to the widow and
I said I was sorry about her husband.
Next thing you know, I was him.
Mr. Harper, you said
you were glad to see me.
Why would you be glad to see
the judge who sentenced you?
Well, I broke the law and you, as a
judge, were sworn to enforce that law.
You can't have people
running around breaking the law.
If you have such
respect for the law,
why did you break the law by
marrying three women at once?
I didn't mean to break the law.
I didn't even want to get
married once, but I had to.
Had to?
Well, you see, they all asked
me and I couldn't say no.
I didn't want to
hurt their feelings.
So what you're saying
is you weren't guilty?
Oh, I was guilty, guilty of wanting
three women to have a husband,
if they wanted one
and needed one.
Like, see, it just so happens
that my wanting three women
not to be lonely was against the law.
I... Er... That's not...
If judging other people were against
the law, you'd be in a terrible fix.
That's not the
same thing at all!
Mr. Harper, I'm warning you. I'm
going to be watching you very closely.
Most women do.
- Look, Doc, I...
- In a minute, Julie.
Take it easy, Mrs. Talmadge.
Have you started labor yet?
No, and I don't plan
to for two months.
Well, it certainly took you
long enough to get here.
Oh, Arthur! Doctor,
I am terribly sorry.
I'm having the baby, and
he's having the labor pains.
- You mean, there's no emergency?
- No, Doc.
You see, Mr. Talmadge
gave me a false alarm.
Excuse me.
But if this had
been the real thing,
you would have had to
have made much better time.
I was making very
good time where I was.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Forgive me, Doctor, but
are you an accredited doctor?
I mean, did you go to a real
medical school and graduate?
Arthur!
It's all right. I actually
have a diploma in my office.
I could Xerox a copy
for you, if you like.
Have you ever
delivered any babies?
Quite a few. The mothers
and children all did well.
And even most of
the fathers survived.
Dr. Bricker,
in case of emergency, I want to
know where you are at all times.
Excuse me.
- When did you say the baby's due?
- My doctor figures about nine weeks.
- Nine weeks?
- Mm-hm.
In nine weeks, I'll be
vacationing in Rio de Janeiro.
But you'll be able to get
me. I'll be wearing a beeper.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Harper.
- Oh, good afternoon.
I hope you're not planning
to marry that woman.
I never plan on marrying
any of them. It just happens.
You know, I sit down, I drop my
book, she picks it up, I say thank you.
She offers to buy me a drink,
and the next thing you know,
I'm down at the City Hall,
standing there swearing to love
and honor for the rest of my life
this lady who just
picked up my book.
- Do you know what I wish?
- What?
I wish sometimes they'd let me pick
up my own book, that's what I wish.
- Hey, you could do me a favor.
- What?
Wait here a little while and
when that lady comes back,
tell her please don't
make me marry her.
Oh, Mr. Harper, no woman can make
you marry her. Besides, she just met you.
That's always the first step.
Well, I think you can defend
yourself. And you'd better.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
You play a mean game of
ping-pong, Captain. You fooled me.
I thought sailors only
drank and chased women.
Well, here's one
who does neither!
I'm a whizz at card tricks
and do a great Cary Grant.
Oh! You do?
- The complete Renaissance man!
- Mm.
I hope your wife
appreciates all those talents.
- I don't have one of those.
- Uh-oh.
Old foot-in-the-mouth
did it again, huh?
Of course not.
I, uh... I wasn't
just being nosy.
I know you weren't.
You do know, don't you.
I don't think there's anything you
could ask me that I'd mind answering.
No, at the moment,
there's nobody in my life.
Vicki's mother
died some time ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And it still hurts?
Not as much as it did.
I don't think I'll ever really
forget her, but the big hurt is over.
And of course, you have Vicki.
- She's a darling.
- [CHUCKLING] Oh, yes. I have Vicki.
She makes everything
worthwhile to me.
I'm very glad to
meet you, Captain.
The pleasure is mine, all mine.
- Will you have dinner with me tonight?
- I'd love to.
- Eight o'clock?
- Sounds great.
- Hi, have you seen my dad?
- Oh, let's see.
The last I saw him, yeah, he
and Linda were playing ping-pong.
But, that was hours ago!
Nobody knows where they are!
Oh, well, I wouldn't worry about them.
I'm sure they're around someplace.
- Julie!
- Yes, sir.
Hello, honey.
Julie, would you tell
Gopher to arrange for Linda
to be seated at my table
for all meals, please?
I'd love to, sir, but there are
no vacancies at your table.
You're all filled up.
Oh, well, then tell him to
move one of our crew members.
Dad, you're still going to
take me ashore in Mazatlán?
You bet! It's gonna be you and
me together. We'll have a ball.
Well, I gotta go.
Linda's waiting for me.
Hm.
I think I see stars in
the old Captain's eyes.
- You think he's hooked?
- Like Charlie the Tuna.
[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]
It was a nice coincidence to have
them sitting both of us at the same table.
Oh, it wasn't a coincidence.
I asked to sit with you.
I want to see what this charm is
that you have for other women,
which totally escapes me.
Well, if you get it figured
out, I wish you'd tell me.
And I can just turn it off and I won't
have to keep getting married all the time.
Well, you'll be the first to know
if I find even an ounce of charm.
You know, there is one thing about
me that might appeal to a lot of women.
Oh?
Uh... They seem
to think I'm helpless.
Oh, well, helplessness is the
last thing that would appeal to me.
Oh.
Where's our waiter?
Where is that waiter?
Is that part of your
helplessness act?
Because if it is, it's
not going over with me.
Oh.
- Would you like some more wine?
- Thank you.
You know, some women
think you should mother a man,
but I think a man
should act like a man.
You have a little something
down the side of your mouth.
Linda, I want to thank you for
the best day I've had in a long time.
Thank you for one of the
best days I've ever had.
- Are you wearing lipstick, Linda?
- Huh? Oh, yes. I am.
Um... I think it's called Night Flame. It
comes with matching nail polish, too.
Oh, my father doesn't like
women who wear make-up.
Hold it, Vicki. You're
putting words in my mouth.
I said it depends on who is wearing
the make-up and how it's applied.
In this case, both
are perfection.
Incidentally, I'm taking
Vicki on a personal,
Merrill Stubing guided
tour of Mazatlán tomorrow.
How about joining us?
Oh, I'd love to! If
Vicki doesn't mind.
Of course she wouldn't
mind. Would you, honey?
Of course not.
There, you see? It's
all set. We'll have a ball.
Yeah.
[BAND PLAYING SOFT JAZZ]
Why didn't you wait for me?
I was only gone ten minutes.
I figured you'd be gone much
longer, so I went out and got some sun.
Besides, we were going
much too fast anyway.
Mona, we've got a lot of time to make
up for, so why don't we just cut out and...
Adam.
- Adam, you're not listening.
- What?
A woman likes to be charmed.
She likes to hear some tender
words of love before she's dragged off.
- Don't you understand?
- Well, sure. Of course.
Your eyes are like limpid pools.
Your lips are ruby red. Let's go!
Ply me with champagne.
OK.
Dr. Bricker, I
can't believe this!
My wife and baby in your
hands and you're out carousing!
What kind of a doctor
are you? Boozing?
My wife could be giving
birth at any moment.
I'm glad I found you before
you wound up under the table!
- What are you doing?
- Excuse me.
No more drinks for this table!
Young lady, if you want to do your good
deed for the day, take this man to bed!
Now, you're making sense!
Adam, I didn't know you
were supposed to be on duty.
I'm not. This guy
is just nervous.
- His wife isn't due for months.
- But you have responsibilities.
- I don't want to get in the way.
- Mona, your hair is silky.
- Your skin is like snow.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just wouldn't feel right taking up your
time when you're needed somewhere else.
But I'm not, and even if I
were, she's just having a baby.
- It's not as though she's dying!
- "Just having a baby?"
No, no.
The biggest moment in a woman's
life and you're dismissing it?
- No, no.
- You want to know something?
I think that man is
right to be worried.
Mona! I didn't mean it that
way. Honey, wait. I'll go with you.
Don't bother!
Good night, Dr. Bricker.
Mona, sweetheart!
It doesn't seem
right for a judge
to be dancing with a
man she put on probation.
It's not against the law, is it?
- No, it's not against the law.
- Why not just relax and enjoy it?
Well, it doesn't seem proper.
Well, why don't you
look at it this way?
You're just helping a
criminal to rehabilitate himself.
How's that?
Well, if I'm here dancing
with the presiding judge
I can't very well be out there
committing acts of crime.
Uh-huh? Well, let's just
make sure of that, huh?
There are two ladies who
are trying to get your attention.
- Which two ladies?
- Over there and over there.
I want you to know I did absolutely
nothing to encourage either one of them.
I didn't say you were pursuing
them. I said they were pursuing you.
- Oh.
- Though I can't figure out why.
Arthur, please come to bed.
If you do all your pacing now,
you're going to be too tired to
pace when you're really supposed to.
Betty, I've made a decision. I don't
want to go through with it. Call it off.
- Let's not have the baby.
- Oh, fine!
Phone the stork and tell
him we changed our mind.
You don't know what
it is to have a baby.
That's it! That's it, Arthur!
Arthur, I haven't had a
decent night's sleep in ages.
Now, if you don't control yourself,
I'm going to have to leave you.
- Leave me?
- Yes.
First, I'm going
to change cabins.
Then when we get home, I'm going to
stay with my sister until the baby is born.
- You wouldn't!
- Arthur, I am very serious about this.
Now, you either promise to
control yourself or I'm going to do it.
Honey, honey. Hey.
Don't you know I'm acting
like this because I love you
and I care about
you and the baby.
Oh. I love you, too,
but if you really care about me,
you'll relax and let me enjoy this trip.
Believe me, the baby will
be here in its own due time.
- Babies can't tell time. Betty, I...
- Arthur.
Promise me, or I'll do it.
- [MUFFLED] I promise.
- What?
- I promise.
- And you'll live up to it?
Even if it kills me.
- What a wonderful evening!
- Well, I had fun, too.
Well, I'll say good night now.
I'll see you in the morning.
Wouldn't you like to
come in for a night cap?
It's really getting kind of
late, I'd better be going.
- It's not even midnight yet.
- I know, but we've had a long day.
We really should be in bed.
One drink. What harm can it do?
I know. No. I was
married, but not anymore.
My husband decided that 22 is a
much more exciting age than 38.
Oh.
If you don't mind my saying so, I
think you were married to a fool.
I don't mind you
saying so at all.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're very exciting at any age.
Thank you.
I needed that. And if there's
anything I can do for you, Captain...
There is.
Stop calling me Captain.
My name is Merrill, and I
expect to be hearing it a lot.
The feeling, Merrill,
is very mutual.
Sorry, honey.
Excuse me. I'll
be right back, dear.
Doc?
Can I talk to you,
just for a minute?
Would you stop
bouncing and settle?
Look, I know I've been a
pain, but I need your help.
You see, I told my wife
that I would control myself,
that I would stop bothering
her and everybody else.
Really? How can I help?
Well, I was wondering if you
could give me a pill or something
that could take my mind
off the baby and everything.
Arthur, you don't need a pill.
You just need something
to occupy your time.
Look, whenever you feel
troubled, just try jogging.
Put your energy into
that. It's great therapy.
- Jogging, huh?
- Jogging! Yeah, jogging.
- You know, I think I'll do that.
- OK.
- Thanks, Doc.
- My pleasure.
Pleasure?
Hi. Would you try
Mona Foresite please?
What a way to live!
The sea, the sun! How
do you manage to work?
- Or do you?
- Even fairyland doesn't run by itself.
Let me show you where
our little elves do their thing.
He must really like you. Even
I'm not allowed up here very often.
STUBING: This is where playtime
ends and the real world begins.
In my mind, I always
picture that part out there
is the sexy, glamorous body,
and this part up
here is the brain.
You know, I never thought
about it that way, but it's true.
I have a feeling you know
something about ships.
Oh, maybe enough to recognize
that gizmo over there is a compass.
And that's a radar screen.
And a fathometer is...
- You're not only beautiful, you're smart.
- [CHUCKLES]
Maybe we should keep
her here with us for a while.
I'll let you in on a secret, it wouldn't
take long to get used to liking this.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Here...
- Oh.
- More comfortable now?
- Yes, I am, thank you.
Are you sure you wouldn't
like to go on a sightseeing trip?
No, I don't think I want to.
I've seen Mazatlán before.
- Oh.
- Many times. Many, many times.
I spent most of my
honeymoons there.
- Oh, unhappy memories, huh?
- Right, right.
- Well, that's all passed.
- Right, yeah.
- It's getting a little warm, isn't it?
- Yeah, sure is.
- Where are you going?
- I'm just going back to my room.
- Back to my cabin.
- I'll go with you, OK?
I'm just going to change
into my bathing suit.
- Oh, well, hurry right back, will you?
- Oh, I'll be back on a dead run.
OK.
Hey, Julie, I got something
to tell you. You won't believe it!
I don't believe it! Mr. Harper
and I are engaged!
Don't you understand?
We're engaged to be married.
Congratulations?
What does that mean?
Well, excuse me for not being
too enthusiastic, Your Honor,
but I just spoke with a
woman a few minutes ago
and she told me that she was
engaged to marry Mr. Harper.
I'd better have a
few words with him.
Don't you think you ought
to cool off a little first?
Darling, I am a member of
the American judicial system.
I will give Mr. Harper every
chance to explain himself,
before I kill him.
JULIE: Ladies and gentlemen, we will
be docking in Mazatlán in 20 minutes.
Tour buses will be
waiting at the dock.
Well, I was just
thinking about you.
Oh, I bet you say that
to all your fiancées.
No. Only you. I really love you.
Now, now, Harrison.
- Do you really?
- Of course I do.
Did you get engaged to
the chambermaid, too?
Well, see, she did wash
out a lot of my socks,
which she really
didn't have to do.
And then one thing
led to another...
Well, she wouldn't take a tip!
[♪ "BOLERO" PLAYING]
I'm glad you apologized.
So am I. I will never say a
woman is "just pregnant" again.
Are you sure that little man
won't interrupt us this time?
Mm-hm.
There won't be any
more calls about babies.
I'm all yours.
Mona.
Adam.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Dr. Bricker.
- JULIE: Hello, Doc. It's an emergency.
- It's the Talmadges.
- She's giving birth?
- No, not her. It's him.
- Him?
He was jogging and tripped.
I think he broke his leg.
My mother was right. I
should have been a dentist.
[CHATTER]
Captain, I will never doubt your word
again. You really are a fantastic guide!
From now on, you
get all my business.
You're a witness, Vicki.
We're gonna hold her to that.
It's time for me to get to work.
Please excuse me, ladies.
- See you for cocktails?
- Sounds great!
- Your dad's quite a guy.
- Hm. That's what all the ladies say.
- They do?
- Oh, sure.
I guess it's the uniform.
Women are always chasing him.
He has a new one
just about every cruise.
Is that right?
Oh, well, you know the
Captain. He's so considerate.
He just can't say
no to any of them.
I hope you're not
the jealous type.
Vicki, how about you and
me leveling with each other?
What do you mean?
I mean, we can have a straight-out
air-clearing, heart-to-heart talk.
- OK?
- Woman to woman?
- Just between us?
- Mm-hm. You got it.
It stops right here.
OK.
Up until about a year ago, I
never even knew my father.
When my mother died,
I came to live with him.
And we love each other.
I was just really
getting to know him.
Or I was, until you came along.
Before that, it was
just the two of us.
- Vicki, I don't...
- You're so pretty and you're so smart.
He just doesn't have
time for me anymore.
That's not true.
It is true!
I love him and I don't want to
share him, but if you're around...
Vicki?
Oh, Vicki.
You were right, Doc. You said that
jogging would take my mind off the baby.
- It certainly did.
- You didn't break it. You were lucky.
The X-ray shows it's just a nasty
sprain, so give it plenty of rest.
Oh, but this is our last night.
I was hoping to do a little
dancing. Probably the last chance
- I'll get to boogie for a while...
- No, please!
I recommend plenty
of rest for you, too.
A nice quiet evening
is what you both need.
- You think that's best, huh?
- Yeah, for all of us.
Then I guess we'll just
get a good night's sleep.
Wait, wait, we both
can't go to sleep.
What happens if the baby
comes? We won't know.
- I'll know.
- You'll wake me?
- I promise.
- Well, good night.
- I'll see that he gets to bed.
- Yes, I think I'll get to bed, too.
[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]
Thank you.
To be taken in by that
pipsqueak bluebeard!
He's not handsome, he
has no charm, nothing.
- Well, at least now you're cured.
- There's something so appealing.
- Well, maybe you're not cured.
- Nonsense, I'm cured.
OK. Well, now's your chance
to find out for sure. Good luck.
I've been looking for you.
All over.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I get engaged to two ladies because
I didn't want to hurt their feelings,
and I want to make
them feel desirable,
and then I hurt the one
that I least wanted to hurt.
Look, if you won't talk to me as a
woman, will you talk to me as a judge?
What do you want to talk about?
As a judge, I am only concerned
with you marrying more than the limit.
The legal limit.
As a woman, as
far as I'm concerned,
you can become engaged
to every woman in Pittsburgh.
Well, as the judge who
put me on probation,
I think you should
help me decide
between the two women
that I am now engaged to.
- Two?
- Well, that includes the chambermaid.
- Will you help me?
- Not on your life!
Look, if you don't help me
decide which one to marry,
I think you're encouraging
me to violate my probation.
Are you sure there are only two?
Well, I say two, but
actually there's three.
- Three?
- No, I was kidding!
[CHUCKLES] But it is funny
how two seemed so little
after just a few seconds ago you
thought there were three, right?
Will you help me?
Well, you are my responsibility.
Thank you.
Hi! Here's your date for the...
I... I didn't want you to
go to any trouble for me,
but isn't that a little
casual for a dance?
I'm not going to
the dance, Merrill.
Oh?
Would you like to tell me why?
Well, there's really nothing to tell.
I... just changed my mind, that's all.
It's supposed to be a
woman's prerogative, isn't it?
Uh... It's a little awkward standing
out here in the passageway.
- May I come in for a minute?
- I don't think that'd be a good idea.
- Afraid I'll change your mind?
- Please don't try.
Linda, I don't understand.
Oh, I'm sorry. I...
I realized that I... I'm just
not cut out to be a sailor's girl.
And I think we ought to end
it before somebody gets hurt.
I'm sorry, Merrill.
Good night.
[♪ "BOLERO" PLAYING]
- Adam?
- I can't.
- [SIGHS] What's wrong?
- Why hasn't he called?
- Well, you said he was asleep.
- He's setting me up. I feel it.
If I'd known you were going to behave
like this, I'd have gone to the dance.
I can't help it. I know
him. He's out there.
I can see him, just waiting
for the right moment.
Do you hear anything?
There you go.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Come in.
Dad?
- Hi, honey.
- Aren't you coming to the dance?
Maybe later. I'm not
feeling up to it right now.
Please? Just one dance?
Not tonight, sweetheart.
I've got a lot of thinking to do.
You run along, have fun.
[SIGHS]
Well, now you know as much as I
do about the girls I'm engaged to.
Now, which one do you think
would be the best wife for me?
Are you certain you want me
to help pick out a lady for you?
I sure am.
Are you sure you want
to get married at all?
Oh, I have to get married to some
nice woman who'll settle me down
and keep me from getting
married to all them others out there.
If you're serious, I'll be serious.
I think the chambermaid is out.
That's an awfully high
price to pay for clean socks.
How about the lady that
owns a home in Florida?
Well, I don't think
Florida's any good.
I mean, you have very fair
skin, and you'd freckle and burn...
Yeah, I don't want to marry some
woman who's gonna make me freckle.
Hey, do you know why I didn't recognize
you the first day I saw you on the ship?
Why?
Because the last time
I saw you was in court.
You were way up on that bench
above me, you know, looking down at me.
Hey, would you
promise to marry me
if I promised you
that right this minute,
I'd go to my cabin and lock myself
in till the ship gets back to shore?
You wouldn't have to
do that. I'll lock you in.
From the inside.
It's after midnight. You were
right, honey. He must be asleep.
[♪ "BOLERO" PLAYING]
Yeah. He's asleep.
OK!
I'm all yours!
Oh, Mona.
Mona?
- [GENTLE SNORE]
- Mona.
Mona!
Mona?!
Hi, honey. What are
you doing up so late?
I couldn't sleep.
- It's all my fault, Daddy.
- All right.
- Thirty days in the brig. [CHUCKLES]
- I'm serious.
I'm sorry. What's it all about?
I'm the one who spoiled
it between you and Linda.
I think we'd
better talk about it.
I told her to go away,
to leave you alone.
Why, Vicki?
[VOICE BREAKING]
Because I was afraid.
Afraid?
Of what?
I was so afraid of losing you!
Honey! You're not
going to lose me.
- Honest?
- Of course.
How could you
ever think like that?
Well, I haven't been your
daughter for very long,
and I thought that, maybe if you
loved Linda more than you love me,
that maybe you wouldn't
want me around anymore.
- And maybe you...
- Vicki.
You're my daughter
and I love you.
You're part of me.
I'll always love you, no
matter what happens.
- But if you love Linda, then...
- Sweetheart...
Love isn't something
we run out of.
We have an endless supply.
And the wonderful thing is,
no matter how much we give...
it never diminishes.
My love for you will just
continue to grow and grow.
Vicki...
No one will ever
come between us.
Thank you, Daddy.
- Julie?
- Yes?
Julie, I know I've said this
before, but this time it's decided.
Mr. Harper and I are
going to be married.
Congratulations! Oh, but
what about the other...?
Oh, but everything's perfect.
Yes, I am Mr. Harper's
one and only fiancée.
Well, that's great.
- Well, not quite, dear.
- You swore!
I know, I swore that I was not
engaged to anybody on the ship.
But when we get to my apartment
you're going to find two ladies,
one in 1011 and one in 706,
that you're going to have
to have a little talk with.
I'm really sorry
about last night.
Well, I understand.
These things happen.
Well, look, you really don't have
to see me home. It's quite all right.
But I insist. It'll
be my pleasure.
And best of all, we won't have
to worry about Betty and Arthur.
Honey, you were right. I
worried for no reason at all.
I told you. The only thing I'm sorry
about is that I didn't get to boogie.
Oh! Oh!
The baby! I think it's starting.
ARTHUR: Is there a
doctor here? Get the doctor!
Doc, Doc, it's Mrs. Talmadge.
This time, it's the real thing.
Mona...
I know. Goodbye.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
LINDA: Merrill?
I found her, Dad.
And we had a long talk.
- Everything straight?
- Everything's straight.
It's a pity this didn't happen last
night. You still owe me that dance.
Then I'll just have to
come back, won't I?
VICKI: Um...
I think Julie's looking for me.
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
Ah, fellas, wait
till you see her.
- This girl is really something.
- She must be.
- I've never seen you so turned on, Doc.
- I've never seen him turned off.
Hi, Doc.
Mona, honey!
You just don't know how I've
been looking forward to this.
Oh, you're playing my song.
I tell you what, why don't we go up to
my cabin and you can help me unpack?
Or we can go to my cabin.
- But you don't have to unpack.
- Right. It'll save us time.
"Mona, honey."
Excuse me. Could we go ahead
of you, sir? My wife is expecting.
We're Mr. and Mrs.
Arthur Talmadge.
- Well, hello.
- Yes.
Yes, you're on this
deck, Promenade 340.
How far is that from
the doctor's office?
- Oh, Arthur!
- Let's see.
Your cabin is toward the stern, and the
Doctor's midship, about four decks down.
Now, that isn't good enough. Could
we get a cabin a little bit closer, please?
Arthur, for heaven's sake.
I'm not due for over two months.
Two months? I think
your cabin's close enough.
See that girl? She wants me.
Who? That lady
didn't even look at you.
- You noticed, huh?
- Yeah
They all use that old ignoring trick.
You'd think they'd try something new.
There's a Miss Bradley coming aboard.
I'm told she's an important designer.
- Show her the usual courtesies.
- One fruit basket coming up, Captain.
And arrange a suitable
dinner companion.
- Yes, sir.
- Excuse me. I'm Linda Bradley.
You're Linda Bradley?
Welcome aboard.
You're in Promenade 101.
Oh, thank you.
I'm Captain Merrill Stubing.
Uh... The passageways
can be confusing.
May I escort you?
Why, that's very kind,
but you must be so busy.
No.
No.
Sir, before you go, if
you've got a minute...
- Is the ship sinking?
- No.
Then I don't have a minute.
Hello! [CHUCKLES]
Your name, please?
Uh... Harper, Harrison Harper.
OK. Yes, you're in cabin
F131 on the Fiesta Deck.
Oh, see I was kind of hoping to
keep away from people this cruise.
Fiesta Deck sounds like it might
be a little too loud and festive for me.
Would you have anything
called the Peace and Quiet deck?
Well, maybe we can move
you later. [CHUCKLES]
- Enjoy your cruise, Mr. Harper.
- Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hello. I'm Judge Joanna Atkinson.
- Welcome aboard, Your Honor.
- Thank you.
Uh... Excuse me, did that
gentleman say his name was Harper?
Yes, Harrison Harper.
Do you know him?
Yes, I do, and I'm gonna keep
remembering him for two more years,
because that's the amount of
time I've put him on probation.
- Oh?
- Oh, not that kind of probation.
No, Mr. Harper was
brought into my court
for marrying too many women,
more than the law allows.
That nice, nervous little
man was a bigamist?
No, that nice nervous
little man was a trigamist.
[HORN BLASTS]
Great!
Are you a professional
artist, too, Miss Bradley?
- Oh, hello.
- Hi.
No. I'm a designer by
trade and an artist for kicks,
and a golfer just
to keep me humble.
Hm. Take notes, Vicki. I think I've
just met an almost perfect woman.
- Yes, sir!
- Here you are.
Oh!
- Almost?
- Well, perfection includes cooking.
- And I don't think you...
- Correction!
- I just happen to be a gourmet cook.
- I don't believe it.
Now, would I lie
about a thing like that?
- Can you make a baked Alaska?
- Kid's stuff.
- One arm tied behind my back.
- Wow!
I'm impressed. Vicki, I think
maybe your father's falling in love.
Uh-uh! Careful, Captain. You know
how women are about men in uniform.
[STUBING CHUCKLES]
- What do you think?
- Oh, I like it. Uh... Dad!
- Hm?
- It's time for my navigation lesson.
Oh, er, Vicki... Can
we do that later?
Right now, I'd like to challenge
Miss Bradley to some ping-pong.
- There must be something she can't do.
- I'll play the winner!
Vicki, now don't ruin that sketch.
Find Gopher and get a frame for it.
Come on, let's see how you
can handle a real challenge.
You got a deal.
We shouldn't have come.
Oh Arthur, I wanted
to come on this cruise.
After the baby's born,
we won't have the time.
Believe me, I'm fine. So please
let's just relax and enjoy the trip.
How can I relax when I know
you're going to give birth any minute?
Arthur!
You know in my family all
the babies are premature.
I was born on an airplane,
my brother was born in Dodger Stadium
and my sister was born in a restaurant,
between the salad
and the lamb chops.
I'll be right back.
- Excuse me. Could you call the doctor?
- Certainly.
- Is there some sort of emergency?
- Yes, my wife is having a baby.
Oh, my!
Dr. Bricker, please.
This is an emergency!
Thank you. He's in his cabin.
They're connecting me now.
Thank you.
Mona... [SIGHS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Dr. Bricker.
Now?
I'll be right back.
Mind my place.
- Mr. Harper?
- Yes.
Mr. Harper, I'm Judge Atkinson,
the judge who sentenced you.
Oh! I'm glad to see you.
Most of these tours
seem to feature churches.
- Would you maybe go with me?
- Go with you?
For protection, of course.
See, every time I've ever gone
into a church, I come out married.
- Except once.
- And what happened that time?
It was a funeral.
But then, I went up to the widow and
I said I was sorry about her husband.
Next thing you know, I was him.
Mr. Harper, you said
you were glad to see me.
Why would you be glad to see
the judge who sentenced you?
Well, I broke the law and you, as a
judge, were sworn to enforce that law.
You can't have people
running around breaking the law.
If you have such
respect for the law,
why did you break the law by
marrying three women at once?
I didn't mean to break the law.
I didn't even want to get
married once, but I had to.
Had to?
Well, you see, they all asked
me and I couldn't say no.
I didn't want to
hurt their feelings.
So what you're saying
is you weren't guilty?
Oh, I was guilty, guilty of wanting
three women to have a husband,
if they wanted one
and needed one.
Like, see, it just so happens
that my wanting three women
not to be lonely was against the law.
I... Er... That's not...
If judging other people were against
the law, you'd be in a terrible fix.
That's not the
same thing at all!
Mr. Harper, I'm warning you. I'm
going to be watching you very closely.
Most women do.
- Look, Doc, I...
- In a minute, Julie.
Take it easy, Mrs. Talmadge.
Have you started labor yet?
No, and I don't plan
to for two months.
Well, it certainly took you
long enough to get here.
Oh, Arthur! Doctor,
I am terribly sorry.
I'm having the baby, and
he's having the labor pains.
- You mean, there's no emergency?
- No, Doc.
You see, Mr. Talmadge
gave me a false alarm.
Excuse me.
But if this had
been the real thing,
you would have had to
have made much better time.
I was making very
good time where I was.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Forgive me, Doctor, but
are you an accredited doctor?
I mean, did you go to a real
medical school and graduate?
Arthur!
It's all right. I actually
have a diploma in my office.
I could Xerox a copy
for you, if you like.
Have you ever
delivered any babies?
Quite a few. The mothers
and children all did well.
And even most of
the fathers survived.
Dr. Bricker,
in case of emergency, I want to
know where you are at all times.
Excuse me.
- When did you say the baby's due?
- My doctor figures about nine weeks.
- Nine weeks?
- Mm-hm.
In nine weeks, I'll be
vacationing in Rio de Janeiro.
But you'll be able to get
me. I'll be wearing a beeper.
- Good afternoon, Mr. Harper.
- Oh, good afternoon.
I hope you're not planning
to marry that woman.
I never plan on marrying
any of them. It just happens.
You know, I sit down, I drop my
book, she picks it up, I say thank you.
She offers to buy me a drink,
and the next thing you know,
I'm down at the City Hall,
standing there swearing to love
and honor for the rest of my life
this lady who just
picked up my book.
- Do you know what I wish?
- What?
I wish sometimes they'd let me pick
up my own book, that's what I wish.
- Hey, you could do me a favor.
- What?
Wait here a little while and
when that lady comes back,
tell her please don't
make me marry her.
Oh, Mr. Harper, no woman can make
you marry her. Besides, she just met you.
That's always the first step.
Well, I think you can defend
yourself. And you'd better.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
You play a mean game of
ping-pong, Captain. You fooled me.
I thought sailors only
drank and chased women.
Well, here's one
who does neither!
I'm a whizz at card tricks
and do a great Cary Grant.
Oh! You do?
- The complete Renaissance man!
- Mm.
I hope your wife
appreciates all those talents.
- I don't have one of those.
- Uh-oh.
Old foot-in-the-mouth
did it again, huh?
Of course not.
I, uh... I wasn't
just being nosy.
I know you weren't.
You do know, don't you.
I don't think there's anything you
could ask me that I'd mind answering.
No, at the moment,
there's nobody in my life.
Vicki's mother
died some time ago.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And it still hurts?
Not as much as it did.
I don't think I'll ever really
forget her, but the big hurt is over.
And of course, you have Vicki.
- She's a darling.
- [CHUCKLING] Oh, yes. I have Vicki.
She makes everything
worthwhile to me.
I'm very glad to
meet you, Captain.
The pleasure is mine, all mine.
- Will you have dinner with me tonight?
- I'd love to.
- Eight o'clock?
- Sounds great.
- Hi, have you seen my dad?
- Oh, let's see.
The last I saw him, yeah, he
and Linda were playing ping-pong.
But, that was hours ago!
Nobody knows where they are!
Oh, well, I wouldn't worry about them.
I'm sure they're around someplace.
- Julie!
- Yes, sir.
Hello, honey.
Julie, would you tell
Gopher to arrange for Linda
to be seated at my table
for all meals, please?
I'd love to, sir, but there are
no vacancies at your table.
You're all filled up.
Oh, well, then tell him to
move one of our crew members.
Dad, you're still going to
take me ashore in Mazatlán?
You bet! It's gonna be you and
me together. We'll have a ball.
Well, I gotta go.
Linda's waiting for me.
Hm.
I think I see stars in
the old Captain's eyes.
- You think he's hooked?
- Like Charlie the Tuna.
[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]
It was a nice coincidence to have
them sitting both of us at the same table.
Oh, it wasn't a coincidence.
I asked to sit with you.
I want to see what this charm is
that you have for other women,
which totally escapes me.
Well, if you get it figured
out, I wish you'd tell me.
And I can just turn it off and I won't
have to keep getting married all the time.
Well, you'll be the first to know
if I find even an ounce of charm.
You know, there is one thing about
me that might appeal to a lot of women.
Oh?
Uh... They seem
to think I'm helpless.
Oh, well, helplessness is the
last thing that would appeal to me.
Oh.
Where's our waiter?
Where is that waiter?
Is that part of your
helplessness act?
Because if it is, it's
not going over with me.
Oh.
- Would you like some more wine?
- Thank you.
You know, some women
think you should mother a man,
but I think a man
should act like a man.
You have a little something
down the side of your mouth.
Linda, I want to thank you for
the best day I've had in a long time.
Thank you for one of the
best days I've ever had.
- Are you wearing lipstick, Linda?
- Huh? Oh, yes. I am.
Um... I think it's called Night Flame. It
comes with matching nail polish, too.
Oh, my father doesn't like
women who wear make-up.
Hold it, Vicki. You're
putting words in my mouth.
I said it depends on who is wearing
the make-up and how it's applied.
In this case, both
are perfection.
Incidentally, I'm taking
Vicki on a personal,
Merrill Stubing guided
tour of Mazatlán tomorrow.
How about joining us?
Oh, I'd love to! If
Vicki doesn't mind.
Of course she wouldn't
mind. Would you, honey?
Of course not.
There, you see? It's
all set. We'll have a ball.
Yeah.
[BAND PLAYING SOFT JAZZ]
Why didn't you wait for me?
I was only gone ten minutes.
I figured you'd be gone much
longer, so I went out and got some sun.
Besides, we were going
much too fast anyway.
Mona, we've got a lot of time to make
up for, so why don't we just cut out and...
Adam.
- Adam, you're not listening.
- What?
A woman likes to be charmed.
She likes to hear some tender
words of love before she's dragged off.
- Don't you understand?
- Well, sure. Of course.
Your eyes are like limpid pools.
Your lips are ruby red. Let's go!
Ply me with champagne.
OK.
Dr. Bricker, I
can't believe this!
My wife and baby in your
hands and you're out carousing!
What kind of a doctor
are you? Boozing?
My wife could be giving
birth at any moment.
I'm glad I found you before
you wound up under the table!
- What are you doing?
- Excuse me.
No more drinks for this table!
Young lady, if you want to do your good
deed for the day, take this man to bed!
Now, you're making sense!
Adam, I didn't know you
were supposed to be on duty.
I'm not. This guy
is just nervous.
- His wife isn't due for months.
- But you have responsibilities.
- I don't want to get in the way.
- Mona, your hair is silky.
- Your skin is like snow.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I just wouldn't feel right taking up your
time when you're needed somewhere else.
But I'm not, and even if I
were, she's just having a baby.
- It's not as though she's dying!
- "Just having a baby?"
No, no.
The biggest moment in a woman's
life and you're dismissing it?
- No, no.
- You want to know something?
I think that man is
right to be worried.
Mona! I didn't mean it that
way. Honey, wait. I'll go with you.
Don't bother!
Good night, Dr. Bricker.
Mona, sweetheart!
It doesn't seem
right for a judge
to be dancing with a
man she put on probation.
It's not against the law, is it?
- No, it's not against the law.
- Why not just relax and enjoy it?
Well, it doesn't seem proper.
Well, why don't you
look at it this way?
You're just helping a
criminal to rehabilitate himself.
How's that?
Well, if I'm here dancing
with the presiding judge
I can't very well be out there
committing acts of crime.
Uh-huh? Well, let's just
make sure of that, huh?
There are two ladies who
are trying to get your attention.
- Which two ladies?
- Over there and over there.
I want you to know I did absolutely
nothing to encourage either one of them.
I didn't say you were pursuing
them. I said they were pursuing you.
- Oh.
- Though I can't figure out why.
Arthur, please come to bed.
If you do all your pacing now,
you're going to be too tired to
pace when you're really supposed to.
Betty, I've made a decision. I don't
want to go through with it. Call it off.
- Let's not have the baby.
- Oh, fine!
Phone the stork and tell
him we changed our mind.
You don't know what
it is to have a baby.
That's it! That's it, Arthur!
Arthur, I haven't had a
decent night's sleep in ages.
Now, if you don't control yourself,
I'm going to have to leave you.
- Leave me?
- Yes.
First, I'm going
to change cabins.
Then when we get home, I'm going to
stay with my sister until the baby is born.
- You wouldn't!
- Arthur, I am very serious about this.
Now, you either promise to
control yourself or I'm going to do it.
Honey, honey. Hey.
Don't you know I'm acting
like this because I love you
and I care about
you and the baby.
Oh. I love you, too,
but if you really care about me,
you'll relax and let me enjoy this trip.
Believe me, the baby will
be here in its own due time.
- Babies can't tell time. Betty, I...
- Arthur.
Promise me, or I'll do it.
- [MUFFLED] I promise.
- What?
- I promise.
- And you'll live up to it?
Even if it kills me.
- What a wonderful evening!
- Well, I had fun, too.
Well, I'll say good night now.
I'll see you in the morning.
Wouldn't you like to
come in for a night cap?
It's really getting kind of
late, I'd better be going.
- It's not even midnight yet.
- I know, but we've had a long day.
We really should be in bed.
One drink. What harm can it do?
I know. No. I was
married, but not anymore.
My husband decided that 22 is a
much more exciting age than 38.
Oh.
If you don't mind my saying so, I
think you were married to a fool.
I don't mind you
saying so at all.
As far as I'm concerned,
you're very exciting at any age.
Thank you.
I needed that. And if there's
anything I can do for you, Captain...
There is.
Stop calling me Captain.
My name is Merrill, and I
expect to be hearing it a lot.
The feeling, Merrill,
is very mutual.
Sorry, honey.
Excuse me. I'll
be right back, dear.
Doc?
Can I talk to you,
just for a minute?
Would you stop
bouncing and settle?
Look, I know I've been a
pain, but I need your help.
You see, I told my wife
that I would control myself,
that I would stop bothering
her and everybody else.
Really? How can I help?
Well, I was wondering if you
could give me a pill or something
that could take my mind
off the baby and everything.
Arthur, you don't need a pill.
You just need something
to occupy your time.
Look, whenever you feel
troubled, just try jogging.
Put your energy into
that. It's great therapy.
- Jogging, huh?
- Jogging! Yeah, jogging.
- You know, I think I'll do that.
- OK.
- Thanks, Doc.
- My pleasure.
Pleasure?
Hi. Would you try
Mona Foresite please?
What a way to live!
The sea, the sun! How
do you manage to work?
- Or do you?
- Even fairyland doesn't run by itself.
Let me show you where
our little elves do their thing.
He must really like you. Even
I'm not allowed up here very often.
STUBING: This is where playtime
ends and the real world begins.
In my mind, I always
picture that part out there
is the sexy, glamorous body,
and this part up
here is the brain.
You know, I never thought
about it that way, but it's true.
I have a feeling you know
something about ships.
Oh, maybe enough to recognize
that gizmo over there is a compass.
And that's a radar screen.
And a fathometer is...
- You're not only beautiful, you're smart.
- [CHUCKLES]
Maybe we should keep
her here with us for a while.
I'll let you in on a secret, it wouldn't
take long to get used to liking this.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Here...
- Oh.
- More comfortable now?
- Yes, I am, thank you.
Are you sure you wouldn't
like to go on a sightseeing trip?
No, I don't think I want to.
I've seen Mazatlán before.
- Oh.
- Many times. Many, many times.
I spent most of my
honeymoons there.
- Oh, unhappy memories, huh?
- Right, right.
- Well, that's all passed.
- Right, yeah.
- It's getting a little warm, isn't it?
- Yeah, sure is.
- Where are you going?
- I'm just going back to my room.
- Back to my cabin.
- I'll go with you, OK?
I'm just going to change
into my bathing suit.
- Oh, well, hurry right back, will you?
- Oh, I'll be back on a dead run.
OK.
Hey, Julie, I got something
to tell you. You won't believe it!
I don't believe it! Mr. Harper
and I are engaged!
Don't you understand?
We're engaged to be married.
Congratulations?
What does that mean?
Well, excuse me for not being
too enthusiastic, Your Honor,
but I just spoke with a
woman a few minutes ago
and she told me that she was
engaged to marry Mr. Harper.
I'd better have a
few words with him.
Don't you think you ought
to cool off a little first?
Darling, I am a member of
the American judicial system.
I will give Mr. Harper every
chance to explain himself,
before I kill him.
JULIE: Ladies and gentlemen, we will
be docking in Mazatlán in 20 minutes.
Tour buses will be
waiting at the dock.
Well, I was just
thinking about you.
Oh, I bet you say that
to all your fiancées.
No. Only you. I really love you.
Now, now, Harrison.
- Do you really?
- Of course I do.
Did you get engaged to
the chambermaid, too?
Well, see, she did wash
out a lot of my socks,
which she really
didn't have to do.
And then one thing
led to another...
Well, she wouldn't take a tip!
[♪ "BOLERO" PLAYING]
I'm glad you apologized.
So am I. I will never say a
woman is "just pregnant" again.
Are you sure that little man
won't interrupt us this time?
Mm-hm.
There won't be any
more calls about babies.
I'm all yours.
Mona.
Adam.
[PHONE RINGS]
- Dr. Bricker.
- JULIE: Hello, Doc. It's an emergency.
- It's the Talmadges.
- She's giving birth?
- No, not her. It's him.
- Him?
He was jogging and tripped.
I think he broke his leg.
My mother was right. I
should have been a dentist.
[CHATTER]
Captain, I will never doubt your word
again. You really are a fantastic guide!
From now on, you
get all my business.
You're a witness, Vicki.
We're gonna hold her to that.
It's time for me to get to work.
Please excuse me, ladies.
- See you for cocktails?
- Sounds great!
- Your dad's quite a guy.
- Hm. That's what all the ladies say.
- They do?
- Oh, sure.
I guess it's the uniform.
Women are always chasing him.
He has a new one
just about every cruise.
Is that right?
Oh, well, you know the
Captain. He's so considerate.
He just can't say
no to any of them.
I hope you're not
the jealous type.
Vicki, how about you and
me leveling with each other?
What do you mean?
I mean, we can have a straight-out
air-clearing, heart-to-heart talk.
- OK?
- Woman to woman?
- Just between us?
- Mm-hm. You got it.
It stops right here.
OK.
Up until about a year ago, I
never even knew my father.
When my mother died,
I came to live with him.
And we love each other.
I was just really
getting to know him.
Or I was, until you came along.
Before that, it was
just the two of us.
- Vicki, I don't...
- You're so pretty and you're so smart.
He just doesn't have
time for me anymore.
That's not true.
It is true!
I love him and I don't want to
share him, but if you're around...
Vicki?
Oh, Vicki.
You were right, Doc. You said that
jogging would take my mind off the baby.
- It certainly did.
- You didn't break it. You were lucky.
The X-ray shows it's just a nasty
sprain, so give it plenty of rest.
Oh, but this is our last night.
I was hoping to do a little
dancing. Probably the last chance
- I'll get to boogie for a while...
- No, please!
I recommend plenty
of rest for you, too.
A nice quiet evening
is what you both need.
- You think that's best, huh?
- Yeah, for all of us.
Then I guess we'll just
get a good night's sleep.
Wait, wait, we both
can't go to sleep.
What happens if the baby
comes? We won't know.
- I'll know.
- You'll wake me?
- I promise.
- Well, good night.
- I'll see that he gets to bed.
- Yes, I think I'll get to bed, too.
[PIANO PLAYING SOFTLY]
Thank you.
To be taken in by that
pipsqueak bluebeard!
He's not handsome, he
has no charm, nothing.
- Well, at least now you're cured.
- There's something so appealing.
- Well, maybe you're not cured.
- Nonsense, I'm cured.
OK. Well, now's your chance
to find out for sure. Good luck.
I've been looking for you.
All over.
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I get engaged to two ladies because
I didn't want to hurt their feelings,
and I want to make
them feel desirable,
and then I hurt the one
that I least wanted to hurt.
Look, if you won't talk to me as a
woman, will you talk to me as a judge?
What do you want to talk about?
As a judge, I am only concerned
with you marrying more than the limit.
The legal limit.
As a woman, as
far as I'm concerned,
you can become engaged
to every woman in Pittsburgh.
Well, as the judge who
put me on probation,
I think you should
help me decide
between the two women
that I am now engaged to.
- Two?
- Well, that includes the chambermaid.
- Will you help me?
- Not on your life!
Look, if you don't help me
decide which one to marry,
I think you're encouraging
me to violate my probation.
Are you sure there are only two?
Well, I say two, but
actually there's three.
- Three?
- No, I was kidding!
[CHUCKLES] But it is funny
how two seemed so little
after just a few seconds ago you
thought there were three, right?
Will you help me?
Well, you are my responsibility.
Thank you.
Hi! Here's your date for the...
I... I didn't want you to
go to any trouble for me,
but isn't that a little
casual for a dance?
I'm not going to
the dance, Merrill.
Oh?
Would you like to tell me why?
Well, there's really nothing to tell.
I... just changed my mind, that's all.
It's supposed to be a
woman's prerogative, isn't it?
Uh... It's a little awkward standing
out here in the passageway.
- May I come in for a minute?
- I don't think that'd be a good idea.
- Afraid I'll change your mind?
- Please don't try.
Linda, I don't understand.
Oh, I'm sorry. I...
I realized that I... I'm just
not cut out to be a sailor's girl.
And I think we ought to end
it before somebody gets hurt.
I'm sorry, Merrill.
Good night.
[♪ "BOLERO" PLAYING]
- Adam?
- I can't.
- [SIGHS] What's wrong?
- Why hasn't he called?
- Well, you said he was asleep.
- He's setting me up. I feel it.
If I'd known you were going to behave
like this, I'd have gone to the dance.
I can't help it. I know
him. He's out there.
I can see him, just waiting
for the right moment.
Do you hear anything?
There you go.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Come in.
Dad?
- Hi, honey.
- Aren't you coming to the dance?
Maybe later. I'm not
feeling up to it right now.
Please? Just one dance?
Not tonight, sweetheart.
I've got a lot of thinking to do.
You run along, have fun.
[SIGHS]
Well, now you know as much as I
do about the girls I'm engaged to.
Now, which one do you think
would be the best wife for me?
Are you certain you want me
to help pick out a lady for you?
I sure am.
Are you sure you want
to get married at all?
Oh, I have to get married to some
nice woman who'll settle me down
and keep me from getting
married to all them others out there.
If you're serious, I'll be serious.
I think the chambermaid is out.
That's an awfully high
price to pay for clean socks.
How about the lady that
owns a home in Florida?
Well, I don't think
Florida's any good.
I mean, you have very fair
skin, and you'd freckle and burn...
Yeah, I don't want to marry some
woman who's gonna make me freckle.
Hey, do you know why I didn't recognize
you the first day I saw you on the ship?
Why?
Because the last time
I saw you was in court.
You were way up on that bench
above me, you know, looking down at me.
Hey, would you
promise to marry me
if I promised you
that right this minute,
I'd go to my cabin and lock myself
in till the ship gets back to shore?
You wouldn't have to
do that. I'll lock you in.
From the inside.
It's after midnight. You were
right, honey. He must be asleep.
[♪ "BOLERO" PLAYING]
Yeah. He's asleep.
OK!
I'm all yours!
Oh, Mona.
Mona?
- [GENTLE SNORE]
- Mona.
Mona!
Mona?!
Hi, honey. What are
you doing up so late?
I couldn't sleep.
- It's all my fault, Daddy.
- All right.
- Thirty days in the brig. [CHUCKLES]
- I'm serious.
I'm sorry. What's it all about?
I'm the one who spoiled
it between you and Linda.
I think we'd
better talk about it.
I told her to go away,
to leave you alone.
Why, Vicki?
[VOICE BREAKING]
Because I was afraid.
Afraid?
Of what?
I was so afraid of losing you!
Honey! You're not
going to lose me.
- Honest?
- Of course.
How could you
ever think like that?
Well, I haven't been your
daughter for very long,
and I thought that, maybe if you
loved Linda more than you love me,
that maybe you wouldn't
want me around anymore.
- And maybe you...
- Vicki.
You're my daughter
and I love you.
You're part of me.
I'll always love you, no
matter what happens.
- But if you love Linda, then...
- Sweetheart...
Love isn't something
we run out of.
We have an endless supply.
And the wonderful thing is,
no matter how much we give...
it never diminishes.
My love for you will just
continue to grow and grow.
Vicki...
No one will ever
come between us.
Thank you, Daddy.
- Julie?
- Yes?
Julie, I know I've said this
before, but this time it's decided.
Mr. Harper and I are
going to be married.
Congratulations! Oh, but
what about the other...?
Oh, but everything's perfect.
Yes, I am Mr. Harper's
one and only fiancée.
Well, that's great.
- Well, not quite, dear.
- You swore!
I know, I swore that I was not
engaged to anybody on the ship.
But when we get to my apartment
you're going to find two ladies,
one in 1011 and one in 706,
that you're going to have
to have a little talk with.
I'm really sorry
about last night.
Well, I understand.
These things happen.
Well, look, you really don't have
to see me home. It's quite all right.
But I insist. It'll
be my pleasure.
And best of all, we won't have
to worry about Betty and Arthur.
Honey, you were right. I
worried for no reason at all.
I told you. The only thing I'm sorry
about is that I didn't get to boogie.
Oh! Oh!
The baby! I think it's starting.
ARTHUR: Is there a
doctor here? Get the doctor!
Doc, Doc, it's Mrs. Talmadge.
This time, it's the real thing.
Mona...
I know. Goodbye.
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
LINDA: Merrill?
I found her, Dad.
And we had a long talk.
- Everything straight?
- Everything's straight.
It's a pity this didn't happen last
night. You still owe me that dance.
Then I'll just have to
come back, won't I?
VICKI: Um...
I think Julie's looking for me.