The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 4, Episode 12 - Frugal Pair, The/Doc's Dismissal/The Girl Next Door - full transcript
[THEME TUNE STARTS]
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
Whew!
Quite a boatload of beauties.
My travel agent
promised a scenic cruise,
but we haven't even
left the dock yet.
[LAUGHING]
- Hi, I'm Hank Welker.
- Hi, Adam Bricker, ship's doctor.
Well, hello there!
And I only charge ten dollars to
put your eyes back in your head.
[LAUGHING] What a
great place for a single guy.
You could do a lot worse.
Hey, Sally.
My wife.
- You're married?
- I'm married, but I'm not dead. [LAUGHS]
Sally, this is Doctor
Bricker, Doc, my wife, Sally.
- Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Welker.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- I hope you have a pleasant cruise.
Thanks. We're gonna try.
Your cabin is right through
those doors and to the left.
Thanks.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm telling you, Sal,
if we ever split up,
I'm coming here to
celebrate the divorce.
How's it going?
Try to figure some guys.
A very attractive wife and all
he talks about is other women.
Gee, that must drive her crazy.
Remember, we supply food,
lodging and entertainment.
Marriage counseling
is not in our brochure.
This ship is sailing
soon. We'd better get off.
Not yet. Would you believe
your girlfriend if she said
she was going on a
cruise with her brother?
I think she's cheating
on me, Bobby.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, Rudy, did you remember
to bring the travelers cheques?
- I've got them right here.
- Good.
I look more like her
brother than he does.
Come on, Charley,
you've had your look.
No, you go. I'm not leaving till I
find out who that clown is for sure.
Okay pal. Bon voyage.
Okay you're on the
Fiesta Deck, Cabin 219.
Go right through those
doors and turn left.
- Enjoy yourselves.
- We will.
Don't you worry.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, I'm Pam Madison.
- You're on the Fiesta Deck, cabin 217.
Just follow that couple right
there. You're right next to them.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
Pam, darling! Surprised? I
was able to get away after all.
But... I'm her husband,
I'll pay you later.
Cruise now, pay later...?
What is going on here?
Who do you think you are?
Uh, Charley Cole, CIA.
- CIA?
- Shhh!
There are two
foreign agents staying
- in the cabin next door to you.
- Foreign agents?
Shhh! I'll have to stay in
your cabin to spy on them.
- You? In my cabin?
- Yes.
Oh... For how long?
As long as it takes.
Maybe the entire trip.
I... I don't even know you.
Ma'am, the security of
an entire nation is at stake.
Now, come on, just
try to look natural,
because there might be
other foreign agents watching.
Others? What is
it, a convention?
STUBING: Enjoy the cruise.
Excuse me. We're
Mr. and Mrs. Hooper.
I'm Violet and he's Carl.
I'm Captain Stubing. It's a
pleasure to have you aboard.
Thank you. We're here
for our 40th anniversary.
Our son is treating.
It's sort of a
double celebration.
I'm retiring after 40
years as a mailman.
Oh, I bet I know what
you're gonna do this cruise.
Sit around and soak your feet.
[CHUCKLING]
You know how many one-cent
stamps in a dozen when I started?
How many?
Twelve. Always
twelve in a dozen.
[LAUGHTER]
- Caught you that time.
- Yeah.
Carl was the best letter
carrier they ever had.
"Had" is right. Past tense.
Now all we have is my
pension and I hope we make it.
We'll manage.
Mr. and Mrs. Hooper, in
honor of your anniversary,
you must have dinner with me.
At the Captain's table?
That's the only
place they let me eat.
- [LAUGHING]
- Thank you, Captain.
That's almost as good as eating
with the Postmaster General.
Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Hooper,
your room is just around the
corner and down the stairs.
Oh, here, let me
help you with this.
- Thank you, young man.
- You bet.
Carl, put that away.
- But, bluebell...
- You'll only embarrass the young man.
Here. You'll never get a
nickel out of the missus.
It's a nickel.
[HORN BLOWING]
[CHEERING]
I don't believe any of this.
How do I know you're
really with the CIA?
I showed you my identification.
All that said was "Charley
Cole," it didn't say CIA.
It never does.
That way if we're ever
picked up in a foreign country,
they don't know who
we're working for.
I come for a vacation and I end
up in the middle of the Cold War.
I can't hear a thing. He's
probably kissing her right now.
Did you say "kissing her"?
No.
I said "Kissinger."
He's a master of disguise.
Look, look. Look at the...
The blonde with legs
clear up to her throat.
I tell you, I think they're on
this ship just to drive me crazy.
Good afternoon.
Oh, hi.
Oh, if I weren't
a married man...
Doc, pipe that. I
mean what a shape!
When she jumped into
that suit, she almost missed.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Sal, don't you wish
you had a figure like that, huh?
She probably hasn't
had two children.
I have two children and
look at me, how trim I am.
[LAUGHS]
Are you feeling all right?
Just a slight headache.
I'll be in my office if
you need anything.
Thanks, I may see you there.
I'd better close my eyes,
I'm starting to get palpitations.
Couldn't you come up
with a better disguise?
I expected something a
little more professional.
That's the best the
gift shop could do, Pam.
And anyway in the spy
game, the key is subtlety...
[EXCLAIMS]
- Hey!
- Excuse me, I'm sorry. It's my fault.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Whew! That was a close call.
- Why? Who are they?
- They're the ones I'm following.
Those two? They
look so harmless.
Harmless? Boris and
Natasha Korinsky?
They're Russia's top
brother and sister spy team.
Really? They don't look
like brother and sister.
You can say that again.
Listen, Pam, I
want you to help me.
I want you to go over and
eavesdrop on their conversation.
Listen for words like "darling,"
"honey," "lover."
I don't understand.
Uh... they're code words.
The nicer the words,
the greater trouble I'm in.
You?
When I say "I'm,"
I mean the USA.
Oh, okay.
Mmm. This is living.
Oh, think I need some
suntan lotion, sweet pea.
Squeeze it from the bottom, dear.
We can get another vacation out of it.
Here you go folks, would
you like some goodies?
- They're on the house.
- May I have some peanuts?
- As many as you want.
- Oh, thank you!
Save some for the other people.
He said I could have all I want,
and all my life, I
wanted a lot of peanuts.
Come in.
Oh, hi.
I decided to take
you up on your offer.
I could really use
something for my headache.
Come in. Sit down. Let
me take a look at you.
- I'm fine. It's just a headache.
- Uh-huh.
- Your eyes okay?
- Yeah.
- No problem with your ears, huh?
- Mm-mm.
- What about your throat?
- Fine.
Scratchy? Not at all scratchy?
- No? No?
- Just...
[CHUCKLES] I guess you're right.
Probably nothing more
than a mild tension headache.
Two of these ought to do it,
and two more in four hours
if you feel you need it, but
no more than eight a day.
Here we go.
Good.
Thanks a lot, Dr. Bricker.
I really didn't do that
much, Mrs. Welker.
You're very kind.
I appreciate it.
Few aspirins, hardly
worth your eternal gratitude.
But if you're not feeling any
better, come back and see me.
- I will.
- Good.
- I'm sure the cruise will relax you.
- I hope so.
You seem to be on your
way to a beautiful tan.
I guess everybody
looks better with a tan.
Oh, it looks
especially good on you.
Thanks.
Wish my husband were
as observant as you.
Ah, can I help you?
Yeah, send those two
lovebirds over there
a couple of arsenic cocktails.
Coming up.
What'd they say?
Well, I got five "sugars," three
"darlings," and a "honeybunch."
What does that give you?
An ulcer.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- How's your headache?
- Gone. Your aspirin did the trick.
Well, I guess all those years
at medical school finally paid off.
Aspirin was my major.
- Hiya, Doc.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Just fine, thank you.
Hank, where have you been?
I've been waiting for 20 minutes.
Just checking out the scenery.
Say, Doc, with all these
beautiful lady passengers,
you couldn't use a volunteer male nurse
for the rest of the cruise, could you?
Afraid not, but
thanks for the offer.
Good evening.
Hank, you
embarrassed Dr. Bricker.
Why? What did I say?
[SIGHS] Nothing.
- You all right?
- I think my headache's coming back.
I'm gonna go to the cabin
and get some aspirin.
Okay. I'll stay here
and hold the fort.
- You do that!
- Huh?
You look nice, Charley.
You're lucky they could
round up some clothes for you.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I'm worried about you.
I don't think you should
be doing this all alone.
Why didn't they send
more than one agent?
They did.
See that guy over there?
He's one of our top men.
Even though he doesn't look
it. He's an expert in martial arts.
You're right, he
doesn't look it.
Here they come!
- GOPHER: Good evening.
- Good evening.
I've got an idea.
While they're in here, let's
sneak down and search their room.
- Is that legal?
- Of course.
That's right, all's
fair in love and war.
It makes me feel good just
knowing you're in the room.
And I wasn't even trying, man.
You'll find we have wonderful
food on board, Mr. and Mrs. Hooper.
Boy, it all sure looks good.
But it looks so expensive.
Meals are included in the
price of the cruise, sweetheart.
Oh, in that case, order
anything you like, dear.
Maybe we'll even have dessert.
Oh, you should. This is
a very special occasion.
That's right. Without
that weekly paycheck,
we might not have a
chance to eat this good again.
Well, now you can eat
to your heart's content.
Thank you, Captain.
Little Rosebud here never
was known for fixing fancy vittles.
But then, how could she
on a postman's salary?
Our marriage was
rich in other ways, dear.
Oh, that's true, buttercup.
But she kept
me a little bit thin.
Ah, champagne.
Compliments of the captain.
- Shall I open it?
- No!
- No?
- We're not drinkers.
Do you think we could
have the money instead?
Uh-huh. A double bed.
- What does that mean?
- It means I'm gonna kill her.
A red bulb? That figures.
Yeah, you were right.
They must be communists.
WOMAN: You really said
that? And then what happened?
- [WHISPERS] They're back!
- They're fast eaters!
Well, then I said
to the director,
"But my right side is even
handsomer. Let the people see it."
Rudy, you were in a crowd scene
with 500 dead Civil War soldiers.
Everyone has to start somewhere.
I want you to know
that whatever happens,
- I'm very happy I met you.
- Shh!
- Rudy!
- Come here, baby.
[LAUGHS] Rudy!
When you hold me like this,
you make me feel like
your cuddly, little kitten.
That does it! You
lied to me, Heather!
Charley! What are
you doing here?
Finding out what a
two-timer my girlfriend is!
Your brother, huh?
You've got a lot of nerve
spying on me like this!
Get out of here, this instant!
Don't worry, I'm going!
Just stay out of my life!
And stay out of my cabin!
Hi.
Hi.
Where have you been all night?
Oh, I dropped into the Pirate's
Cove for a couple nightcaps.
I thought you were just
going for some aspirin.
You never came back for dinner.
And you never came back
to see why I didn't come back.
Well, you were the one who left.
Too bad you didn't come find me.
I would've tried to squeeze
you in on my dance card.
[LAUGHS]
Who did you dance with?
Oh, I gave 'em all a break.
You know, you'd think a wedding
ring would drive them away.
But, instead, it
draws them like flies.
By the way, how
is your headache?
Much better.
Maybe I won't wear
the ring tomorrow.
Maybe that way they'll
leave me alone, huh?
[LAUGHS]
You know, Sal, you been
getting these headaches a lot.
When we get home, I think you
ought to have a real thorough check up.
Well, as a matter of fact, Dr. Bricker
did look me over quite thoroughly.
Oh, he's a ship's doctor,
what would he know?
He knew enough to
find me very attractive.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing, he just told me he
thought I had a sensational tan.
And?
And he led me to believe
he'd like to see more of it.
What else did he say
during your examination?
Forget it, it's not important.
Well, did... did he say anything
else about what he would like to see?
Did... did he touch you?
A doctor always
has to touch you.
You know what I'm talking about.
Well, he did ask me to come
back and see him, anytime.
Oh, he did, did he?
Well, we'll just see about that!
Hank, where are you going?
Come to bed,
darling. It's getting late.
In a minute, blossom.
We don't want to miss breakfast.
All the bacon and eggs you can eat,
and cereal... maybe
even some pancakes.
Boing!
Exactly midnight.
Happy anniversary!
[LAUGHING] Oh!
Here you go,
honeysuckle. A little present.
You shouldn't have.
Oh, Carl!
- Our wedding picture.
- It's a new frame.
Sure was a beautiful dress.
Still is. Oh, thank
you, darling.
I hope you got
the frame on sale.
I have a surprise for you, too.
[CHUCKLES] What is this? It looks
like a court summons or something.
Ah, let's see.
Well, 500 shares General Motors,
500 shares AT&T,
500 shares of Xerox. 500...
- What is this?
- A stock portfolio.
- Whose?
- Ours.
Ours? [CHUCKLES]
Why, this would
be worth a fortune.
200 thousand, 538
dollars and 19 cents.
200,538 dollars?
And 19 cents.
Happy anniversary, dear.
But... how... where? I don't...
You know how you
always call me pet names,
like, um, rosebud and sweet pea?
Well, ever since
we've been married,
I'd take some of the food
money you gave me each week
and buy stocks that
started with the same letter.
You'd call me "petunia"
and I'd buy Polaroid.
You call me "gladiola" and
I bought General Motors.
And you called me your "little
zinnia" and I bought Xerox.
Xerox starts with an X.
Oh, I'm glad I
didn't know that...
That's been one of the biggies.
Now, just a minute.
Let's see if I understand.
We're... rich?
I like to think, "well off."
You mean for the last 20 years I've
been lugging that heavy sack around,
breaking my back, getting
my leg bit and we were well off?
And all those years of eating
day-old bread and leftover Helper,
we had stock in Exxon
and Standard Oil?
Surprised?
Well, why didn't you tell
me about this years ago?
I could have lived out my dream,
opened up that little
knife-sharpening business.
I wanted to tell you some
years back and then I thought,
"If Carl will be
happy with 20,000,
he'll be twice as
happy with 40."
And then when we got
to 50,000, I thought...
I'll tell you what you thought.
You thought if I found out about it,
I might want to
spend some of it.
That's the way it's been
ever since we married,
cut corners and pinch pennies.
I was just saving
for a rainy day.
A rainy day?
It's been pouring cats
and dogs all our lives,
and we had a $200,000 umbrella
that you were too
cheap to open up!
[SPLUTTERING]
You... you Jezebel!
[GASPS]
[PHONE RINGING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[SIGHS]
Captain Stubing.
Captain, this is Hank Welker.
- Hank, please.
- Be quiet.
Captain, I just learned that
this afternoon, Dr. Bricker,
during a medical examination,
made indecent advances to my wife.
Those are serious charges
you're making, Mr. Welker.
Those are not charges,
Captain. Those are facts!
And I want you to
do something about it.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
Pam!
Don't talk to me.
Oh, please, please...
I just want to apologize.
I never should have lied,
especially to someone as nice as you.
And I don't blame you
for never forgiving me.
You did make
me feel like a fool.
Yeah, I know, and I feel awful.
You don't look too hot, either.
Yeah, I guess not.
But what's the difference?
Without Heather, my life's over.
Charley, I don't understand.
Why would you want her back
after the way she's treated you?
Haven't you ever been in love?
Yeah, just recently.
It makes you a little
more forgiving, I guess.
I wish Heather were as
understanding as you.
Does she really mean
that much to you?
I would do anything
to get her back.
But it's hopeless with Joe
Stallion hanging around.
I don't know.
Maybe he just needs
the right carrot
dangled in front of him.
Now, that's ridiculous!
I never touched Mrs. Welker!
That's not the point.
They say you did.
And they can make a lot of
trouble for you with the company.
Merrill, I gave the woman
some aspirin, that's it.
[SIGHS] Who is she?
Oh, you remember, the lady
who boarded with her husband
who leers at every woman.
Oh, yes.
The one you went over
to see at dinner last night?
- Yeah.
- The one you said was attractive.
Merrill, you don't think
I'm gonna jeopardize...
Of course not, Adam.
But why would she say
you made a pass at her?
I don't know!
- But I'm gonna find out.
- No, Adam!
You'd better let
me talk to them.
I don't want you to
be alone with her.
Captain Stubing...
Don't you trust me?
[LIGHT CHUCKLE]
Without question.
We've already had
one misunderstanding.
Let's not make it two.
[DOOR SHUTS]
- Morning, Mr. Hooper.
- Morning.
Hi. How's Mrs.
Hooper this morning?
I don't know, and I don't care.
Good morning, Mrs. Hooper.
I'll take the stairs.
Good morning, Mr. Welker.
I'd like to talk to
you and your wife.
She's resting. She
has a headache.
Well, did you
talk to the doctor?
Yes, yes, I did.
And he says nothing unusual
happened between him and Mrs. Welker.
You mean that's what he
usually does with his lady patients?
No, Mr. Welker,
that's not what I meant.
Now look, in all the years
Dr. Bricker has been with us,
there's been no
complaint filed against him.
Are you sure this isn't some
sort of misunderstanding?
Captain, if you're not gonna
do anything about this, I will.
I'll go to the president
of the cruise line myself
and see that the man is fired.
[SIGHS]
I've got to go now, Rudy.
Time for exercise class.
Later, babe.
Excuse me, have you
seen my script around here?
Script? Are you an actress?
No, I'm a casting director.
- Casting director?
- Yes...
In fact, too bad you're not an actor.
I could use someone just like you
- in a picture I'm casting.
- But I am an actor.
- No.
- Yes!
- You're kidding me.
- I'm not.
Let me go get my portfolio.
Oh, no, no, wait.
Pictures are so impersonal.
I like to know my actors.
- Maybe we could have dinner tonight.
- Well, I...
Unless, of course,
you're already attached.
Me, attached? [CHUCKLES]
Baby, I'm the most eligible
man aboard this ship...
Good.
When I was in high
school, I played a cactus.
Really, Mr. Hooper, you can't just
throw away 40 years of marriage.
40 years of slavery, you mean.
Tote that bag, lift that mail...
You don't understand.
I could have been somebody
with the money she stole from me.
I could have opened my own
knife-sharpening business.
Well, I'll tell
you, I've had it!
Couldn't you give her
just one more chance?
I mean, after all,
she is your wife.
Not for long. As
a retired mailman,
I've already gotten
rid of one bag.
He's an ungrateful old geezer!
Now, now, I'm sure
it's just a lover's spat.
Oh no, it isn't.
You know, Mrs. Hooper,
sometimes the two hardest words
in the English language
to say are, "I'm sorry."
What do I have to apologize for?
I made that man
what he is today.
Are you sure this is all you want,
Mrs. Hooper, is a cup of hot water?
Yes, Isaac. Thank you.
I'll never forgive Carl
for what he said to me.
Imagine, calling me a
cheap penny-pincher.
Charley!
Don't worry, I'm not
mad at you anymore.
- You're not?
- No.
In fact, I never was.
But you told me to
stay out of your life.
But I never said
anything about my cabin.
Why don't you drop by
tonight, for a cozy, little dinner.
Just you and me, Charley.
Yeah, I'd love to.
But what about that bronzed
Adonis you came on board with?
Rudy? I was only with
him to make you jealous.
Silly.
I don't believe it, the
Hoopers are breaking up?
- She's very definite about it.
- So is he.
Ah, the poor man must be
scared. He's worked hard all his life,
and all he's got to show
for it is a small pension.
We've got to find a way to
get them back together again.
Why don't I throw them a
little anniversary party tonight.
And that way they'll be
sure to come together.
- Don't count on it.
- Well, it's worth a try.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Doc.
- Hi, guys.
- Adam.
Uh, you spoke to the Welkers?
Yes. Yes, I did.
But wouldn't you like to
discuss this in private?
No, that's all right.
We're all family.
- What did they say?
- Well, Mrs. Welker wasn't there.
She has a headache.
But her husband said the
same thing he said last night.
That you made
advances toward his wife
- while she was your patient.
- Doc wouldn't do that.
- Really?
- That's ridiculous.
- Did he say anything else?
- Yes.
He said he's gonna do
everything he can to have you fired.
Well, not before I
speak to Mrs. Welker.
Adam...
Merrill, she's using me.
- Be careful.
- So long, guys.
- Bye, Doc.
- So long, Doc.
Mrs. Welker, I've
been looking for you.
I think it's time
we had a little talk.
Please, I can't.
I have a splitting
headache, I have to lie down.
Oh, but my reputation,
my career, is at stake.
We have to talk.
She doesn't "have"
to do anything, Doctor.
And if you don't leave her alone,
you're gonna be your next patient.
Come on, sweetheart.
I'm only doing this for
the Captain and the others.
Well, I'm doing it so
our son won't think
this was a total waste
of his good money.
They went to a great deal of trouble
to arrange this anniversary party.
- Our last anniversary.
- That's fine with me.
Good, glad we
agree on something.
Knowing the Captain, I'm sure this
is going to be a very elegant party.
Yeah. Maybe you should
break out a new tea bag.
CHARLEY: Pam!
Guess what? A miracle happened.
Heather wants me back.
That's very nice, Charley.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks. Boy, you
look beautiful tonight.
You must have something
special planned, huh?
Yeah, in a way. I'm
doing a favor for a friend.
Have a wonderful
evening, Charley.
Captain, I don't understand
why you've asked us here.
Well, this is a
very serious matter.
And I wanted to treat
it as fairly as possible.
Now, before I tell
you what I've decided,
I want to ask you
again Mrs. Welker,
are you certain of the
accusation you're making?
What is that? Of
course she's certain.
Stop browbeating her.
Don't be afraid, sweetheart.
All right.
This is the cable I'm sending
to the president of our line.
"On completion of this cruise,
I hereby suspend
Dr. Adam Bricker from duty,
pending an investigation
of charges of improprieties
made by Mrs. Sally Welker.
If such charges and
allegations prove to be true,
I recommend that Dr. Adam Bricker
be dismissed from service permanently."
Any questions?
I'm sorry Adam, I had no choice.
- Captain?
- Yes?
What will happen to Dr. Bricker?
- Who cares?
- I care.
To put it simply, he'll be
fired from his position here.
Does this mean he will have to
practice medicine somewhere else?
That's not up to me.
That's up to the
medical review board.
Captain, can we
get on with this?
All right, that's it.
I don't want to take up
any more of your time.
No, wait!
I can't let you do this.
Now Sal, don't feel sorry for
him after what he did to you.
He didn't do anything to me.
I made up the whole story.
Dr. Bricker was never
anything but a perfect gentleman.
What are you saying?
I'm sorry, Hank.
It was the only way I could get
you to pay some attention to me.
You're always looking at other
women, saying how pretty they are.
Talking about them
like I wasn't even there.
But Sal, that's just talk.
- You know me.
- [SOBS] It hurts.
Oh, Sal, I...
I had no idea I was hurting you.
I know I look at
other women, but I...
I don't know, maybe I'm just
a big dumb kid or something,
but I can promise you this, Sal.
Ever since the first
time I looked at you,
I never even thought
about loving anyone else.
I know an apology
couldn't possibly make up
for what I've put you through...
but I'm really sorry.
Apology accepted.
No, I'm the one who
should apologize.
To you, Doctor.
And to you, Sal.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[DOOR SHUTS]
There was never any
question in my mind, Adam.
You were right.
She was using you.
Tell me...
if Mrs. Welker
hadn't backed down...
would you have sent that cable?
Yes.
But I don't think anything
would've come of it.
So Betty and Pete and Barbara and
Ken were actually seeing each other
before they knew they
were getting a divorce.
Anyway, that's what my hair
dresser Maurice told my manicurist.
- Isn't that hilarious?
- A scream.
Oh, Charley, isn't it
wonderful to be together again?
[GROANING] Yeah, swell.
Taking me back to
your cabin early, huh?
Must have read my mind.
I can't read anything that
small without my glasses.
Good night, Rudy.
Wait a minute.
The night is still young.
Oh, Charley-bear, you make me
feel like your cuddly, little kitten.
- [DOOR OPENS NEXT DOOR]
- She's back!
Rudy...
I dig a chick who
plays hard to get.
- I am not playing hard to get.
- Good.
[GRUNTS]
She's with that Adonis creep.
Who cares?
All he thinks about
is sex, sex, sex.
Let me go!
Don't fight it, baby. It's
bigger than both of us.
Hey, leave her alone.
Do you do this for a living?
Pam, I'm sorry I broke in on
you like this, but I can't help it!
I've been thinking
about you all night.
You have?
I know you must think I'm some
kind of a nut, but I'm crazy about you.
I just never
realized it until now.
- Hey, what is this?
- Your exit cue. Bye, Rudy.
You know, you're
starting to bug me.
- Oh, yeah?
- A little.
Some spy I turned
out to be, huh?
I was looking for the
wrong girl all along.
Maybe I should have
just given you better clues.
[UP-TEMPO JAZZ PLAYING]
- Do you think this is gonna work?
- Don't worry.
A little romantic music,
soft lights, close dancing.
Can't miss.
- Here they come.
- Oh!
Well, Happy
Anniversary, you two!
- Where would you like to sit?
- At separate tables.
Now, now.
Drumroll.
[PLAYING DRUMROLL]
Ladies and gentlemen,
every once in a while,
we meet passengers
who are special.
Well, actually all our
passengers are special,
but these people are...
extra special.
Married 40 years ago today,
won't you join me
in congratulating...
Violet and Carl Hooper.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Happy anniversary.
Everybody's looking at us.
They're looking at you.
I think they all come here
to watch you pinch a penny.
Mr. and Mrs. Hooper,
since this is your anniversary,
would you like to
begin the dancing?
They certainly spent a
bundle to get us back together.
Waste of good money.
At least I'll get a little more
use out of this rented suit.
And my new dresses.
[BAND PLAYING DOWNTEMPO WALTZ]
Hey. That's the
"Anniversary Waltz."
Remember the first
time we heard that?
How could I forget?
It was our first date.
We borrowed your father's DeSoto
and took a drive up to the lake.
Yeah, and every time
we went down a hill
you made me turn off
the motor to save gas.
Maybe I have been a
little tight with the money.
No, Violet, no.
You were right to be that way.
If it weren't for you, we'd
have nothing to retire on.
Rosebud...
believe me, I'm sorry I
said all those mean things.
It's all right. You were angry.
The only thing I don't understand
is why you called me Jezebel.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, I didn't mean
to call you that.
I meant to call you Scrooge.
Then you don't feel like
you've wasted your life?
How could I have wasted
my life, if I've lived it with you?
Oh, Carl.
Captain, you've done it again.
I haven't lost a couple yet.
HEATHER: Come on, Rudy.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Will you hurry up?
Perfect match. They can
both marry beneath themselves.
You know, I've been thinking, I bet
you would make a good CIA agent.
Me? Are you kidding?
No, last night you proved you're
a pretty good undercover man.
Thanks again for everything.
And I do mean everything.
Me, too, Doc.
And I don't think Sally'll be having
any more of those tension headaches.
As the man said, "All's
well that ends well."
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
You know, Doc, it's funny.
The first woman who ever
accused you of making a pass at her
is the only one you didn't.
Well, guess it's
time to say goodbye.
It was a pleasure to
have both of you with us.
- That goes for me, too.
- That goes for all of us.
You've been so nice, we've
decided to give you all a raise.
A raise?
We're shareholders
in the line, you know.
You own stock in the line?
One of our smaller holdings.
CARL: I just found out about it.
She's been investing our
grocery money for 40 years.
Which maybe explains why the
meat was always a little tough.
Oh, Mr. Hooper, let
me help you with this.
Oh, that's all right.
Thanks anyway, Gopher.
Oh here, here.
A quarter for you.
[GOPHER CHUCKLES]
And keep the change.
♪ Love
♪ Exciting and new
♪ Come aboard
♪ We're expecting you ♪ And love
♪ Life's sweetest reward
♪ Let it flow
♪ It floats back to
you ♪ The Love Boat
♪ Soon will be
making another run
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises
something for everyone
♪ Set a course for adventure
♪ Your mind on a new romance
♪ And love
♪ Won't hurt anymore
♪ It's an open smile
♪ On a friendly
shore ♪ It's love
♪ Welcome aboard ♪ It's love ♪
Whew!
Quite a boatload of beauties.
My travel agent
promised a scenic cruise,
but we haven't even
left the dock yet.
[LAUGHING]
- Hi, I'm Hank Welker.
- Hi, Adam Bricker, ship's doctor.
Well, hello there!
And I only charge ten dollars to
put your eyes back in your head.
[LAUGHING] What a
great place for a single guy.
You could do a lot worse.
Hey, Sally.
My wife.
- You're married?
- I'm married, but I'm not dead. [LAUGHS]
Sally, this is Doctor
Bricker, Doc, my wife, Sally.
- Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Welker.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- I hope you have a pleasant cruise.
Thanks. We're gonna try.
Your cabin is right through
those doors and to the left.
Thanks.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm telling you, Sal,
if we ever split up,
I'm coming here to
celebrate the divorce.
How's it going?
Try to figure some guys.
A very attractive wife and all
he talks about is other women.
Gee, that must drive her crazy.
Remember, we supply food,
lodging and entertainment.
Marriage counseling
is not in our brochure.
This ship is sailing
soon. We'd better get off.
Not yet. Would you believe
your girlfriend if she said
she was going on a
cruise with her brother?
I think she's cheating
on me, Bobby.
Hey, there she is.
Oh, Rudy, did you remember
to bring the travelers cheques?
- I've got them right here.
- Good.
I look more like her
brother than he does.
Come on, Charley,
you've had your look.
No, you go. I'm not leaving till I
find out who that clown is for sure.
Okay pal. Bon voyage.
Okay you're on the
Fiesta Deck, Cabin 219.
Go right through those
doors and turn left.
- Enjoy yourselves.
- We will.
Don't you worry.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi, I'm Pam Madison.
- You're on the Fiesta Deck, cabin 217.
Just follow that couple right
there. You're right next to them.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
Pam, darling! Surprised? I
was able to get away after all.
But... I'm her husband,
I'll pay you later.
Cruise now, pay later...?
What is going on here?
Who do you think you are?
Uh, Charley Cole, CIA.
- CIA?
- Shhh!
There are two
foreign agents staying
- in the cabin next door to you.
- Foreign agents?
Shhh! I'll have to stay in
your cabin to spy on them.
- You? In my cabin?
- Yes.
Oh... For how long?
As long as it takes.
Maybe the entire trip.
I... I don't even know you.
Ma'am, the security of
an entire nation is at stake.
Now, come on, just
try to look natural,
because there might be
other foreign agents watching.
Others? What is
it, a convention?
STUBING: Enjoy the cruise.
Excuse me. We're
Mr. and Mrs. Hooper.
I'm Violet and he's Carl.
I'm Captain Stubing. It's a
pleasure to have you aboard.
Thank you. We're here
for our 40th anniversary.
Our son is treating.
It's sort of a
double celebration.
I'm retiring after 40
years as a mailman.
Oh, I bet I know what
you're gonna do this cruise.
Sit around and soak your feet.
[CHUCKLING]
You know how many one-cent
stamps in a dozen when I started?
How many?
Twelve. Always
twelve in a dozen.
[LAUGHTER]
- Caught you that time.
- Yeah.
Carl was the best letter
carrier they ever had.
"Had" is right. Past tense.
Now all we have is my
pension and I hope we make it.
We'll manage.
Mr. and Mrs. Hooper, in
honor of your anniversary,
you must have dinner with me.
At the Captain's table?
That's the only
place they let me eat.
- [LAUGHING]
- Thank you, Captain.
That's almost as good as eating
with the Postmaster General.
Okay, Mr. and Mrs. Hooper,
your room is just around the
corner and down the stairs.
Oh, here, let me
help you with this.
- Thank you, young man.
- You bet.
Carl, put that away.
- But, bluebell...
- You'll only embarrass the young man.
Here. You'll never get a
nickel out of the missus.
It's a nickel.
[HORN BLOWING]
[CHEERING]
I don't believe any of this.
How do I know you're
really with the CIA?
I showed you my identification.
All that said was "Charley
Cole," it didn't say CIA.
It never does.
That way if we're ever
picked up in a foreign country,
they don't know who
we're working for.
I come for a vacation and I end
up in the middle of the Cold War.
I can't hear a thing. He's
probably kissing her right now.
Did you say "kissing her"?
No.
I said "Kissinger."
He's a master of disguise.
Look, look. Look at the...
The blonde with legs
clear up to her throat.
I tell you, I think they're on
this ship just to drive me crazy.
Good afternoon.
Oh, hi.
Oh, if I weren't
a married man...
Doc, pipe that. I
mean what a shape!
When she jumped into
that suit, she almost missed.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Sal, don't you wish
you had a figure like that, huh?
She probably hasn't
had two children.
I have two children and
look at me, how trim I am.
[LAUGHS]
Are you feeling all right?
Just a slight headache.
I'll be in my office if
you need anything.
Thanks, I may see you there.
I'd better close my eyes,
I'm starting to get palpitations.
Couldn't you come up
with a better disguise?
I expected something a
little more professional.
That's the best the
gift shop could do, Pam.
And anyway in the spy
game, the key is subtlety...
[EXCLAIMS]
- Hey!
- Excuse me, I'm sorry. It's my fault.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Whew! That was a close call.
- Why? Who are they?
- They're the ones I'm following.
Those two? They
look so harmless.
Harmless? Boris and
Natasha Korinsky?
They're Russia's top
brother and sister spy team.
Really? They don't look
like brother and sister.
You can say that again.
Listen, Pam, I
want you to help me.
I want you to go over and
eavesdrop on their conversation.
Listen for words like "darling,"
"honey," "lover."
I don't understand.
Uh... they're code words.
The nicer the words,
the greater trouble I'm in.
You?
When I say "I'm,"
I mean the USA.
Oh, okay.
Mmm. This is living.
Oh, think I need some
suntan lotion, sweet pea.
Squeeze it from the bottom, dear.
We can get another vacation out of it.
Here you go folks, would
you like some goodies?
- They're on the house.
- May I have some peanuts?
- As many as you want.
- Oh, thank you!
Save some for the other people.
He said I could have all I want,
and all my life, I
wanted a lot of peanuts.
Come in.
Oh, hi.
I decided to take
you up on your offer.
I could really use
something for my headache.
Come in. Sit down. Let
me take a look at you.
- I'm fine. It's just a headache.
- Uh-huh.
- Your eyes okay?
- Yeah.
- No problem with your ears, huh?
- Mm-mm.
- What about your throat?
- Fine.
Scratchy? Not at all scratchy?
- No? No?
- Just...
[CHUCKLES] I guess you're right.
Probably nothing more
than a mild tension headache.
Two of these ought to do it,
and two more in four hours
if you feel you need it, but
no more than eight a day.
Here we go.
Good.
Thanks a lot, Dr. Bricker.
I really didn't do that
much, Mrs. Welker.
You're very kind.
I appreciate it.
Few aspirins, hardly
worth your eternal gratitude.
But if you're not feeling any
better, come back and see me.
- I will.
- Good.
- I'm sure the cruise will relax you.
- I hope so.
You seem to be on your
way to a beautiful tan.
I guess everybody
looks better with a tan.
Oh, it looks
especially good on you.
Thanks.
Wish my husband were
as observant as you.
Ah, can I help you?
Yeah, send those two
lovebirds over there
a couple of arsenic cocktails.
Coming up.
What'd they say?
Well, I got five "sugars," three
"darlings," and a "honeybunch."
What does that give you?
An ulcer.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- How's your headache?
- Gone. Your aspirin did the trick.
Well, I guess all those years
at medical school finally paid off.
Aspirin was my major.
- Hiya, Doc.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Just fine, thank you.
Hank, where have you been?
I've been waiting for 20 minutes.
Just checking out the scenery.
Say, Doc, with all these
beautiful lady passengers,
you couldn't use a volunteer male nurse
for the rest of the cruise, could you?
Afraid not, but
thanks for the offer.
Good evening.
Hank, you
embarrassed Dr. Bricker.
Why? What did I say?
[SIGHS] Nothing.
- You all right?
- I think my headache's coming back.
I'm gonna go to the cabin
and get some aspirin.
Okay. I'll stay here
and hold the fort.
- You do that!
- Huh?
You look nice, Charley.
You're lucky they could
round up some clothes for you.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I'm worried about you.
I don't think you should
be doing this all alone.
Why didn't they send
more than one agent?
They did.
See that guy over there?
He's one of our top men.
Even though he doesn't look
it. He's an expert in martial arts.
You're right, he
doesn't look it.
Here they come!
- GOPHER: Good evening.
- Good evening.
I've got an idea.
While they're in here, let's
sneak down and search their room.
- Is that legal?
- Of course.
That's right, all's
fair in love and war.
It makes me feel good just
knowing you're in the room.
And I wasn't even trying, man.
You'll find we have wonderful
food on board, Mr. and Mrs. Hooper.
Boy, it all sure looks good.
But it looks so expensive.
Meals are included in the
price of the cruise, sweetheart.
Oh, in that case, order
anything you like, dear.
Maybe we'll even have dessert.
Oh, you should. This is
a very special occasion.
That's right. Without
that weekly paycheck,
we might not have a
chance to eat this good again.
Well, now you can eat
to your heart's content.
Thank you, Captain.
Little Rosebud here never
was known for fixing fancy vittles.
But then, how could she
on a postman's salary?
Our marriage was
rich in other ways, dear.
Oh, that's true, buttercup.
But she kept
me a little bit thin.
Ah, champagne.
Compliments of the captain.
- Shall I open it?
- No!
- No?
- We're not drinkers.
Do you think we could
have the money instead?
Uh-huh. A double bed.
- What does that mean?
- It means I'm gonna kill her.
A red bulb? That figures.
Yeah, you were right.
They must be communists.
WOMAN: You really said
that? And then what happened?
- [WHISPERS] They're back!
- They're fast eaters!
Well, then I said
to the director,
"But my right side is even
handsomer. Let the people see it."
Rudy, you were in a crowd scene
with 500 dead Civil War soldiers.
Everyone has to start somewhere.
I want you to know
that whatever happens,
- I'm very happy I met you.
- Shh!
- Rudy!
- Come here, baby.
[LAUGHS] Rudy!
When you hold me like this,
you make me feel like
your cuddly, little kitten.
That does it! You
lied to me, Heather!
Charley! What are
you doing here?
Finding out what a
two-timer my girlfriend is!
Your brother, huh?
You've got a lot of nerve
spying on me like this!
Get out of here, this instant!
Don't worry, I'm going!
Just stay out of my life!
And stay out of my cabin!
Hi.
Hi.
Where have you been all night?
Oh, I dropped into the Pirate's
Cove for a couple nightcaps.
I thought you were just
going for some aspirin.
You never came back for dinner.
And you never came back
to see why I didn't come back.
Well, you were the one who left.
Too bad you didn't come find me.
I would've tried to squeeze
you in on my dance card.
[LAUGHS]
Who did you dance with?
Oh, I gave 'em all a break.
You know, you'd think a wedding
ring would drive them away.
But, instead, it
draws them like flies.
By the way, how
is your headache?
Much better.
Maybe I won't wear
the ring tomorrow.
Maybe that way they'll
leave me alone, huh?
[LAUGHS]
You know, Sal, you been
getting these headaches a lot.
When we get home, I think you
ought to have a real thorough check up.
Well, as a matter of fact, Dr. Bricker
did look me over quite thoroughly.
Oh, he's a ship's doctor,
what would he know?
He knew enough to
find me very attractive.
What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing, he just told me he
thought I had a sensational tan.
And?
And he led me to believe
he'd like to see more of it.
What else did he say
during your examination?
Forget it, it's not important.
Well, did... did he say anything
else about what he would like to see?
Did... did he touch you?
A doctor always
has to touch you.
You know what I'm talking about.
Well, he did ask me to come
back and see him, anytime.
Oh, he did, did he?
Well, we'll just see about that!
Hank, where are you going?
Come to bed,
darling. It's getting late.
In a minute, blossom.
We don't want to miss breakfast.
All the bacon and eggs you can eat,
and cereal... maybe
even some pancakes.
Boing!
Exactly midnight.
Happy anniversary!
[LAUGHING] Oh!
Here you go,
honeysuckle. A little present.
You shouldn't have.
Oh, Carl!
- Our wedding picture.
- It's a new frame.
Sure was a beautiful dress.
Still is. Oh, thank
you, darling.
I hope you got
the frame on sale.
I have a surprise for you, too.
[CHUCKLES] What is this? It looks
like a court summons or something.
Ah, let's see.
Well, 500 shares General Motors,
500 shares AT&T,
500 shares of Xerox. 500...
- What is this?
- A stock portfolio.
- Whose?
- Ours.
Ours? [CHUCKLES]
Why, this would
be worth a fortune.
200 thousand, 538
dollars and 19 cents.
200,538 dollars?
And 19 cents.
Happy anniversary, dear.
But... how... where? I don't...
You know how you
always call me pet names,
like, um, rosebud and sweet pea?
Well, ever since
we've been married,
I'd take some of the food
money you gave me each week
and buy stocks that
started with the same letter.
You'd call me "petunia"
and I'd buy Polaroid.
You call me "gladiola" and
I bought General Motors.
And you called me your "little
zinnia" and I bought Xerox.
Xerox starts with an X.
Oh, I'm glad I
didn't know that...
That's been one of the biggies.
Now, just a minute.
Let's see if I understand.
We're... rich?
I like to think, "well off."
You mean for the last 20 years I've
been lugging that heavy sack around,
breaking my back, getting
my leg bit and we were well off?
And all those years of eating
day-old bread and leftover Helper,
we had stock in Exxon
and Standard Oil?
Surprised?
Well, why didn't you tell
me about this years ago?
I could have lived out my dream,
opened up that little
knife-sharpening business.
I wanted to tell you some
years back and then I thought,
"If Carl will be
happy with 20,000,
he'll be twice as
happy with 40."
And then when we got
to 50,000, I thought...
I'll tell you what you thought.
You thought if I found out about it,
I might want to
spend some of it.
That's the way it's been
ever since we married,
cut corners and pinch pennies.
I was just saving
for a rainy day.
A rainy day?
It's been pouring cats
and dogs all our lives,
and we had a $200,000 umbrella
that you were too
cheap to open up!
[SPLUTTERING]
You... you Jezebel!
[GASPS]
[PHONE RINGING]
[DOOR OPENS]
[SIGHS]
Captain Stubing.
Captain, this is Hank Welker.
- Hank, please.
- Be quiet.
Captain, I just learned that
this afternoon, Dr. Bricker,
during a medical examination,
made indecent advances to my wife.
Those are serious charges
you're making, Mr. Welker.
Those are not charges,
Captain. Those are facts!
And I want you to
do something about it.
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
Pam!
Don't talk to me.
Oh, please, please...
I just want to apologize.
I never should have lied,
especially to someone as nice as you.
And I don't blame you
for never forgiving me.
You did make
me feel like a fool.
Yeah, I know, and I feel awful.
You don't look too hot, either.
Yeah, I guess not.
But what's the difference?
Without Heather, my life's over.
Charley, I don't understand.
Why would you want her back
after the way she's treated you?
Haven't you ever been in love?
Yeah, just recently.
It makes you a little
more forgiving, I guess.
I wish Heather were as
understanding as you.
Does she really mean
that much to you?
I would do anything
to get her back.
But it's hopeless with Joe
Stallion hanging around.
I don't know.
Maybe he just needs
the right carrot
dangled in front of him.
Now, that's ridiculous!
I never touched Mrs. Welker!
That's not the point.
They say you did.
And they can make a lot of
trouble for you with the company.
Merrill, I gave the woman
some aspirin, that's it.
[SIGHS] Who is she?
Oh, you remember, the lady
who boarded with her husband
who leers at every woman.
Oh, yes.
The one you went over
to see at dinner last night?
- Yeah.
- The one you said was attractive.
Merrill, you don't think
I'm gonna jeopardize...
Of course not, Adam.
But why would she say
you made a pass at her?
I don't know!
- But I'm gonna find out.
- No, Adam!
You'd better let
me talk to them.
I don't want you to
be alone with her.
Captain Stubing...
Don't you trust me?
[LIGHT CHUCKLE]
Without question.
We've already had
one misunderstanding.
Let's not make it two.
[DOOR SHUTS]
- Morning, Mr. Hooper.
- Morning.
Hi. How's Mrs.
Hooper this morning?
I don't know, and I don't care.
Good morning, Mrs. Hooper.
I'll take the stairs.
Good morning, Mr. Welker.
I'd like to talk to
you and your wife.
She's resting. She
has a headache.
Well, did you
talk to the doctor?
Yes, yes, I did.
And he says nothing unusual
happened between him and Mrs. Welker.
You mean that's what he
usually does with his lady patients?
No, Mr. Welker,
that's not what I meant.
Now look, in all the years
Dr. Bricker has been with us,
there's been no
complaint filed against him.
Are you sure this isn't some
sort of misunderstanding?
Captain, if you're not gonna
do anything about this, I will.
I'll go to the president
of the cruise line myself
and see that the man is fired.
[SIGHS]
I've got to go now, Rudy.
Time for exercise class.
Later, babe.
Excuse me, have you
seen my script around here?
Script? Are you an actress?
No, I'm a casting director.
- Casting director?
- Yes...
In fact, too bad you're not an actor.
I could use someone just like you
- in a picture I'm casting.
- But I am an actor.
- No.
- Yes!
- You're kidding me.
- I'm not.
Let me go get my portfolio.
Oh, no, no, wait.
Pictures are so impersonal.
I like to know my actors.
- Maybe we could have dinner tonight.
- Well, I...
Unless, of course,
you're already attached.
Me, attached? [CHUCKLES]
Baby, I'm the most eligible
man aboard this ship...
Good.
When I was in high
school, I played a cactus.
Really, Mr. Hooper, you can't just
throw away 40 years of marriage.
40 years of slavery, you mean.
Tote that bag, lift that mail...
You don't understand.
I could have been somebody
with the money she stole from me.
I could have opened my own
knife-sharpening business.
Well, I'll tell
you, I've had it!
Couldn't you give her
just one more chance?
I mean, after all,
she is your wife.
Not for long. As
a retired mailman,
I've already gotten
rid of one bag.
He's an ungrateful old geezer!
Now, now, I'm sure
it's just a lover's spat.
Oh no, it isn't.
You know, Mrs. Hooper,
sometimes the two hardest words
in the English language
to say are, "I'm sorry."
What do I have to apologize for?
I made that man
what he is today.
Are you sure this is all you want,
Mrs. Hooper, is a cup of hot water?
Yes, Isaac. Thank you.
I'll never forgive Carl
for what he said to me.
Imagine, calling me a
cheap penny-pincher.
Charley!
Don't worry, I'm not
mad at you anymore.
- You're not?
- No.
In fact, I never was.
But you told me to
stay out of your life.
But I never said
anything about my cabin.
Why don't you drop by
tonight, for a cozy, little dinner.
Just you and me, Charley.
Yeah, I'd love to.
But what about that bronzed
Adonis you came on board with?
Rudy? I was only with
him to make you jealous.
Silly.
I don't believe it, the
Hoopers are breaking up?
- She's very definite about it.
- So is he.
Ah, the poor man must be
scared. He's worked hard all his life,
and all he's got to show
for it is a small pension.
We've got to find a way to
get them back together again.
Why don't I throw them a
little anniversary party tonight.
And that way they'll be
sure to come together.
- Don't count on it.
- Well, it's worth a try.
- Yeah.
- Hi, Doc.
- Hi, guys.
- Adam.
Uh, you spoke to the Welkers?
Yes. Yes, I did.
But wouldn't you like to
discuss this in private?
No, that's all right.
We're all family.
- What did they say?
- Well, Mrs. Welker wasn't there.
She has a headache.
But her husband said the
same thing he said last night.
That you made
advances toward his wife
- while she was your patient.
- Doc wouldn't do that.
- Really?
- That's ridiculous.
- Did he say anything else?
- Yes.
He said he's gonna do
everything he can to have you fired.
Well, not before I
speak to Mrs. Welker.
Adam...
Merrill, she's using me.
- Be careful.
- So long, guys.
- Bye, Doc.
- So long, Doc.
Mrs. Welker, I've
been looking for you.
I think it's time
we had a little talk.
Please, I can't.
I have a splitting
headache, I have to lie down.
Oh, but my reputation,
my career, is at stake.
We have to talk.
She doesn't "have"
to do anything, Doctor.
And if you don't leave her alone,
you're gonna be your next patient.
Come on, sweetheart.
I'm only doing this for
the Captain and the others.
Well, I'm doing it so
our son won't think
this was a total waste
of his good money.
They went to a great deal of trouble
to arrange this anniversary party.
- Our last anniversary.
- That's fine with me.
Good, glad we
agree on something.
Knowing the Captain, I'm sure this
is going to be a very elegant party.
Yeah. Maybe you should
break out a new tea bag.
CHARLEY: Pam!
Guess what? A miracle happened.
Heather wants me back.
That's very nice, Charley.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks. Boy, you
look beautiful tonight.
You must have something
special planned, huh?
Yeah, in a way. I'm
doing a favor for a friend.
Have a wonderful
evening, Charley.
Captain, I don't understand
why you've asked us here.
Well, this is a
very serious matter.
And I wanted to treat
it as fairly as possible.
Now, before I tell
you what I've decided,
I want to ask you
again Mrs. Welker,
are you certain of the
accusation you're making?
What is that? Of
course she's certain.
Stop browbeating her.
Don't be afraid, sweetheart.
All right.
This is the cable I'm sending
to the president of our line.
"On completion of this cruise,
I hereby suspend
Dr. Adam Bricker from duty,
pending an investigation
of charges of improprieties
made by Mrs. Sally Welker.
If such charges and
allegations prove to be true,
I recommend that Dr. Adam Bricker
be dismissed from service permanently."
Any questions?
I'm sorry Adam, I had no choice.
- Captain?
- Yes?
What will happen to Dr. Bricker?
- Who cares?
- I care.
To put it simply, he'll be
fired from his position here.
Does this mean he will have to
practice medicine somewhere else?
That's not up to me.
That's up to the
medical review board.
Captain, can we
get on with this?
All right, that's it.
I don't want to take up
any more of your time.
No, wait!
I can't let you do this.
Now Sal, don't feel sorry for
him after what he did to you.
He didn't do anything to me.
I made up the whole story.
Dr. Bricker was never
anything but a perfect gentleman.
What are you saying?
I'm sorry, Hank.
It was the only way I could get
you to pay some attention to me.
You're always looking at other
women, saying how pretty they are.
Talking about them
like I wasn't even there.
But Sal, that's just talk.
- You know me.
- [SOBS] It hurts.
Oh, Sal, I...
I had no idea I was hurting you.
I know I look at
other women, but I...
I don't know, maybe I'm just
a big dumb kid or something,
but I can promise you this, Sal.
Ever since the first
time I looked at you,
I never even thought
about loving anyone else.
I know an apology
couldn't possibly make up
for what I've put you through...
but I'm really sorry.
Apology accepted.
No, I'm the one who
should apologize.
To you, Doctor.
And to you, Sal.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
[DOOR SHUTS]
There was never any
question in my mind, Adam.
You were right.
She was using you.
Tell me...
if Mrs. Welker
hadn't backed down...
would you have sent that cable?
Yes.
But I don't think anything
would've come of it.
So Betty and Pete and Barbara and
Ken were actually seeing each other
before they knew they
were getting a divorce.
Anyway, that's what my hair
dresser Maurice told my manicurist.
- Isn't that hilarious?
- A scream.
Oh, Charley, isn't it
wonderful to be together again?
[GROANING] Yeah, swell.
Taking me back to
your cabin early, huh?
Must have read my mind.
I can't read anything that
small without my glasses.
Good night, Rudy.
Wait a minute.
The night is still young.
Oh, Charley-bear, you make me
feel like your cuddly, little kitten.
- [DOOR OPENS NEXT DOOR]
- She's back!
Rudy...
I dig a chick who
plays hard to get.
- I am not playing hard to get.
- Good.
[GRUNTS]
She's with that Adonis creep.
Who cares?
All he thinks about
is sex, sex, sex.
Let me go!
Don't fight it, baby. It's
bigger than both of us.
Hey, leave her alone.
Do you do this for a living?
Pam, I'm sorry I broke in on
you like this, but I can't help it!
I've been thinking
about you all night.
You have?
I know you must think I'm some
kind of a nut, but I'm crazy about you.
I just never
realized it until now.
- Hey, what is this?
- Your exit cue. Bye, Rudy.
You know, you're
starting to bug me.
- Oh, yeah?
- A little.
Some spy I turned
out to be, huh?
I was looking for the
wrong girl all along.
Maybe I should have
just given you better clues.
[UP-TEMPO JAZZ PLAYING]
- Do you think this is gonna work?
- Don't worry.
A little romantic music,
soft lights, close dancing.
Can't miss.
- Here they come.
- Oh!
Well, Happy
Anniversary, you two!
- Where would you like to sit?
- At separate tables.
Now, now.
Drumroll.
[PLAYING DRUMROLL]
Ladies and gentlemen,
every once in a while,
we meet passengers
who are special.
Well, actually all our
passengers are special,
but these people are...
extra special.
Married 40 years ago today,
won't you join me
in congratulating...
Violet and Carl Hooper.
- [APPLAUSE]
- Happy anniversary.
Everybody's looking at us.
They're looking at you.
I think they all come here
to watch you pinch a penny.
Mr. and Mrs. Hooper,
since this is your anniversary,
would you like to
begin the dancing?
They certainly spent a
bundle to get us back together.
Waste of good money.
At least I'll get a little more
use out of this rented suit.
And my new dresses.
[BAND PLAYING DOWNTEMPO WALTZ]
Hey. That's the
"Anniversary Waltz."
Remember the first
time we heard that?
How could I forget?
It was our first date.
We borrowed your father's DeSoto
and took a drive up to the lake.
Yeah, and every time
we went down a hill
you made me turn off
the motor to save gas.
Maybe I have been a
little tight with the money.
No, Violet, no.
You were right to be that way.
If it weren't for you, we'd
have nothing to retire on.
Rosebud...
believe me, I'm sorry I
said all those mean things.
It's all right. You were angry.
The only thing I don't understand
is why you called me Jezebel.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, I didn't mean
to call you that.
I meant to call you Scrooge.
Then you don't feel like
you've wasted your life?
How could I have wasted
my life, if I've lived it with you?
Oh, Carl.
Captain, you've done it again.
I haven't lost a couple yet.
HEATHER: Come on, Rudy.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Will you hurry up?
Perfect match. They can
both marry beneath themselves.
You know, I've been thinking, I bet
you would make a good CIA agent.
Me? Are you kidding?
No, last night you proved you're
a pretty good undercover man.
Thanks again for everything.
And I do mean everything.
Me, too, Doc.
And I don't think Sally'll be having
any more of those tension headaches.
As the man said, "All's
well that ends well."
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
You know, Doc, it's funny.
The first woman who ever
accused you of making a pass at her
is the only one you didn't.
Well, guess it's
time to say goodbye.
It was a pleasure to
have both of you with us.
- That goes for me, too.
- That goes for all of us.
You've been so nice, we've
decided to give you all a raise.
A raise?
We're shareholders
in the line, you know.
You own stock in the line?
One of our smaller holdings.
CARL: I just found out about it.
She's been investing our
grocery money for 40 years.
Which maybe explains why the
meat was always a little tough.
Oh, Mr. Hooper, let
me help you with this.
Oh, that's all right.
Thanks anyway, Gopher.
Oh here, here.
A quarter for you.
[GOPHER CHUCKLES]
And keep the change.