The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 8 - Cindy/Play by Play/What's a Brother For? - full transcript
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
Making another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard, it's love ♪
(theme music playing)
Wow. Travel brochures don't lie.
I knew you'd like it, Matt.
We're going to have
the time of our lives.
Sure.
If things get dull, I can
always go tight rope walking.
(laughing)
Ms. Haley, your cabin is right
up those stairs and to the left.
- Enjoy your cruise.
- Thank you.
Did you bring your chess set?
And a cribbage board,
two new decks of cards,
Monopoly and Scrabble.
Tom, every day I thank my lucky
stars I have a brother like you.
Someone I can whip in any game.
(laughing)
Hmm. Some cutie.
Why, thank you.
(soft music playing)
Hello. May I help you?
Uh, I'll take care
of Ms. Rossmore.
Hi. I'm a big football fan.
Why, thank you. I'm
surprised you recognized me.
I haven't been around that long.
Football? Now I know
I'm not up on the game,
but don't tell me you're
the new Ram quarterback?
- No.
- Ms. Rossmore is a sportscaster.
She covers all the
major events for TV
Yes. And my name is Peggy.
- Um, Peggy, Julie McCoy.
- How do you do, Peggy?
I'm Adam Bricker.
How do you do?
I'm very impressed. There
aren't many women in your field.
No. There aren't.
Thanks to my father
and my brothers,
I was brought up on sports.
So my only problem was
getting a network to notice me.
Oh boy. When I was 14, I
would have given anything
to be a radio sportscaster.
How did you get started?
On some tiny local station?
No. I won a national
beauty contest.
I was going to try that,
but I couldn't find
a bikini in my size.
- Doc!
- (laughing)
Of course I catch
you on television
when I'm in port, Bud,
but boy it's been years.
Oh no.
Yeah, but how long has it been
since I seen you in the flesh?
Are you making
fun of my hairline?
Isn't that Bud Pomeroy?
- Uh-huh.
- That's one sportscaster
even I've heard of.
And heard, and heard, and heard.
(Julie laughing)
You should try
sitting next to him
in a broadcast booth sometime.
(theme music playing)
Uh, Julie, Doc.
I want you to meet an old
friend of mine. Bud Pomeroy.
Hello. How do you do?
Don't... don't tell me that...
That blonde in the white dress?
You mean, Peggy Rossmore?
Ah, how gruesomely appropriate.
A Halloween cruise, and I
get my own personal witch.
(soft music playing)
Hey, Preston Maddox.
- Hey.
- Isaac Washington.
Hey, Isaac Washington.
What a trip. The Prince of
Pop playing in Acapulco Lounge.
I want to see you
say that five times fast.
- What a...
- Isaac!
I can't figure out any
of these reservations.
What is this? RSBS.
RS. Rhythm section.
BS, brass section.
I figure guys that play
together should stay together.
You there.
Yes, you in the sailor suits.
There's absolutely
no one in charge here.
Uh...
Uh, Gopher, why don't
you take care of the lady.
Mr. Maddox, please,
come on. Follow me, please.
Oh, yes ma'am.
Assistant Purser, Burl
Smith, at your service.
How may I help you?
I'm Margaret Edith Jerome.
These are my two
lovely single daughters,
Dee-Dee and Sue-Sue.
Hi hi.
Um, ma'am, uh, it's
three daughters, isn't it?
Oh yes.
The other person
on your manifest
is my stepdaughter, Cindy.
(singing)
Cindy. Would you
please get a move on?
(singing)
And for heaven's sakes!
Stop that caterwauling.
Come dears.
And don't drop that red bag!
It's got all my makeup in it!
Uh, say, listen.
Why don't you let
me help you with this.
We have to be
very careful with this.
I don't think the world is ready
yet for Sue-Sue without makeup.
(horn blowing)
(theme music playing)
Excuse me, uh, is there
anyone sitting here?
Well, if there is,
he's real small.
Also going to be real flat.
I'm Chris. Chris Haley.
- Haley as in...
- The comet.
I'm Tom Benton as in
Bent-on having a good time.
You know, you look almost
exactly like Floyd Fosdick.
No kidding? Do
you really think so?
Oh, absolutely.
Wow.
Who's Floyd Fosdick?
A boy I had a crush
on in the fifth grade.
He was one of the world's
great 11-year-old romantics.
Don't tell me.
Proclaimed his
undying love for you
by putting a frog
in your lunchbox?
Close. It was a
salamander in my thermos.
All great fifth grade
minds think alike.
Jackpot bingo
begins in five minutes.
Jackpot bingo's going
to start up in the lounge
in five minutes, okay?
HALEY: I haven't played Bingo
in years. What do you think?
Sounds great.
You know, I have a hunch
you're going to be lucky for me.
TOM: I was just thinking
the same thing about you.
I'm really worried about
the salt air around here.
It's tough to boogie
on rusted hinges.
Chris Haley, my brother, Matt.
Oh, hi. How are you?
Uh, you want to
play Bingo, Matt?
No. I'm afraid I
can't right now.
Got to beat Tom at chess.
Oh.
So, what do you
want to lose with?
White or black?
Well, huh, see you
around Fosdick.
Fosdick.
I remind her of an
11-year-old salamander freak
named Floyd Fosdick.
Guppies maybe.
But not salamanders.
(soft music playing)
Vince Lombardi was the
best coach football ever had.
Anywhere, anytime
against all opposition.
Don't hold back, Bud.
Give us your opinion.
Peggy, if I knew you
were going to be here,
I'd have read up on something
that you could talk about,
like flavored lip gloss or
bust development exercise.
How considerate.
I watch the two
of you all the time.
You make a great team.
Of course we do, Doc.
We're, uh, a
perfect combination.
Brains and beauty.
Bud, I hate to disillusion you,
but you're really
not all that beautiful.
(whistle)
- Hello.
- How are you today?
Just fine.
Girls, there goes
the catch of a lifetime.
I wonder why they call
him the Prince of Pop?
I don't know. Maybe he's like
that other guy, Prince of Wales.
I think the Prince of Wales
has to stay at Sea World
all the time so we can feed 'em.
Don't think, you might
strain yourselves.
Just do what Mama tells...
I mean, just do
what mother tells you.
Cindy. Hey.
How would you like to
have dinner with me tonight?
- Aw, I...
- Cindy.
I have to go. My stepmother
wants her Mai Tai.
Uh, yeah, but how about
dinner? Is that a yes?
Cindy!
Probably not.
Definitely a probably not.
That's what I like.
Forceful indecision.
(theme music playing)
Smile, girls, and wave.
That's enough. That's enough.
We don't want him
to think you're easy.
But we are easy.
I know.
I'm not saying he was stupid,
but the first game he pitched,
he walked the
first five batters,
and when the manager
took him out of the game,
he yelled at him, "How
can you do this to me now?
I got a no-hitter going."
I'm sorry we're late.
Welcome. Welcome.
Thank you, Captain.
Oh, Bud, go on with your story.
You were talking about
Murray Lee, weren't you?
Correct. Two points.
Is this a contest?
Because if it is...
Would, uh, any of you care
for a nice, uh, seafood salad?
I'm getting a little
tired of your put downs.
When I was a kid, I
competed against my brothers.
They were a lot better
athletes than you are,
and they were in
a lot better shape.
And what was your event?
The 100-meter sewing bee?
Perhaps an
artichoke vinaigrette.
You name a game,
buster, and I'll put you away.
Now, wait a minute.
You're saying you'll
compete against me?
In sports?
Maybe some soup?
Any game, any time.
And what do you have to
back up this braggadocio?
You name it. What do you want?
The vichyssoise is very nice.
What I desire from you,
honey, is your absence.
Or the lentil.
You got it.
I'll put up my
job against yours.
Now wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
You want to bet our jobs?
Right.
The loser quits,
and either way we'll never
have to work together again.
Well, how do we make
arrangements for this contest?
Two sports out of three.
You pick one, I pick one.
And if we need another one,
we can pick it out of a hat.
How does that sound?
The prime rib is very nice.
Lady, I hear that the lines
down at the unemployment office
at this time of year
are extremely long.
Doc, let's blow off some
steam on the dance floor.
I think you have enough
steam for both of us.
I've always found the
lamb chops a delight.
Ah.
Hi, fellas.
Hi.
How went the Bingo?
Well, uh, not too good.
My lucky charm wasn't with me.
Come on. Sit down.
Well, I'd loan you
my four leaf clover,
but I think I just ate it
with the Russian dressing.
Are you playing
tonight, Mr. Maddox?
Oh, I'd love to, honey,
but unfortunately
I got a show to do
in about five minutes.
Maybe we can play later then.
Well, how about it, guys?
You want to catch the show?
- Sounds great.
- No, thanks.
Boy, you guys are
worse than the Senate.
How do you ever get
a majority around here?
Come on, Matt. You don't
want to miss the Prince of Pop.
Pop is exactly what my
ears do when I listen to him.
You go ahead. Don't
let me get in your way.
Well, look. Why don't you go.
Oh, come on.
How often do you get
to see Preston Maddox
on anything other
than a record jacket?
- You're right.
- Yeah.
Okay with you Matt?
I said it was okay, didn't I?
Hold the saxophones,
Preston. Here we come.
(theme music playing)
♪ And ♪
♪ But somehow Once upon a time ♪
♪ Ever comes again ♪
♪ Yes, once upon a time ♪
♪ Ever comes again ♪
(applause)
(lounge music playing)
Be sure and go up
there and tell him
how much you enjoyed his music.
Oh, I like him.
But I don't like his music.
Haven't I taught you anything?
Lie.
Look, why waste time?
Why don't we get
the show on the road?
Well, that suits me.
I'd rather tango with a
man who has three martinis
to his credit than
one who's sober.
Are you sure you
won't reconsider this?
You said I get to pick
the first contest, right?
Right.
Good. I pick arm
wrestling. Here and now.
This isn't the sort of
thing we generally do
in the Acapulco Lounge.
Have you, uh, watched some
of the newer dances, Captain?
Captain, you say go.
Go.
(grunts)
Oh.
Hey!
Oh!
One down, one to go.
It's all right. There's
always tomorrow.
And I pick the next one.
(Cindy singing)
Encore! Encore!
Ah, Gopher, you weren't
supposed to hear that.
You sing great!
Nah.
- Yes, you do.
- Nah.
- You look great, too.
- Nah.
I brought you a sandwich.
Nah.
I mean, thanks.
Hey, wait a minute.
Aren't you going to eat?
Somebody's got to
get my stepsisters ready
for the Halloween
ball tomorrow night.
What are you going as?
Me? Oh, I'm not going to go.
My stepmother
wouldn't stand for it.
Oh, Cindy. Why don't you
get away from that woman?
How? My father left
all the money to her.
I haven't even finished college.
What kind of a job could I get?
Unless some handsome prince
came to take me
away from all this.
Wait a minute.
Prince. That's it.
That's what?
Preston Maddox,
the Prince of Pop.
Gopher, I don't understand.
The way you sing, I bet you
that he'd hire you in a minute.
Now wait a minute, Gopher.
I... I couldn't sing in
front of an audience.
Well, try.
Here, wait a minute.
Excuse me while I
simulate the Hollywood bowl.
Okay, now... that.
Perfect.
Beautiful.
- Gopher.
- And now,
the one, the only, Cindy Jerome!
Cindy! Cindy! Cindy!
Come on! You can do it.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither stare ♪
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
Ah.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither stare ♪
♪ That strips My
conscience bare ♪
♪ It's witchcraft ♪
♪ And I've got no defense ♪
(theme music playing)
Who are you looking for?
I was kind of hoping Matt
had changed his mind.
You know, it's great you
feel concern for your brother,
but you deserve
a little R and R too.
I'm the only family he's got.
I brought him on this
trip to keep his spirits up.
Well, you taking him
on this trip was nice,
but the guilt trip he's
laying on you is not so nice.
What do you mean?
Well, Tom, people
with disabilities
are doing spectacular things
for themselves nowadays.
If it wasn't for fate, I'd be the
one with braces on my legs.
So any damn thing I can
do for Matt, I'm going to do.
Uh, hey, uh, look.
I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't
have opened my mouth.
You... you don't know me.
We've hardly even said hello.
Well, we could remedy that.
Hello, Chris.
Hi, Tom.
Want to dance?
Yeah.
That's it. These
shoes are so shiny,
your stepsisters could use
them to signal passing ships.
You're the best. Thanks.
Well, I'm going to shove off
before the blue meanies turn up.
Remember, tomorrow
you are singing
for Preston Maddox
and his orchestra.
I'd be too nervous.
I'd have to sing with
a bag over my head.
How about with a
mask over your face?
Huh?
The Halloween ball tomorrow.
You wear a costume,
you sing for Preston Maddox,
and nobody knows who you are.
Oh, Gopher, it's perfect.
Uh-huh.
- You're perfect.
- Uh-huh.
Good night.
- Gopher?
- Huh?
I don't have a costume.
Hey, you need a costume?
You got a costume.
You leave it to Burl
Smith. I'm Mr. Costume.
You come on down
to Costume City.
We got big costumes.
We got little costumes.
We got costume jewelry.
You take the San Diego
freeway, get off at...
Hi.
How was your night?
Terrific.
Do you know this cabin
measures exactly 14.5 feet by 12?
And there are 247 tiles
in the bathroom floor.
That bad, huh?
Eh, it could have been worse.
Could have been
a bigger bathroom.
So how was your night?
Oh, about like you said.
Preston was a little too loud.
Dance floor was crowded.
That's funny. You sure looked
chipper when you came in here.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, Matt.
I'm sorry I ran
out on you tonight.
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Well, I could use
a nice, cold beer.
All right. I'll call
room service.
No, never mind.
That'll take too long.
Oh, I'll get it myself.
- You don't have to do that.
- I want to.
Uh, hey. As long
as you're going,
see if you can get
me some onion rings.
- Sure.
- And hurry back.
The best floating
permanent chess game
in the Pacific awaits us.
(soft music playing)
(theme music playing)
My compliments
to the chef, Captain.
Delicious. Delicious.
Thank you, Bud. Thank you.
The last time a man
had a breakfast that size
was on Death Row.
Are you sure you wouldn't
like another muffin?
Seems a shame to have the
waiter carry back the last one.
Oh, why not? Thank you.
Uh, you're not being nice to me
in hopes of calling
off the bet, are you?
You know me better than that.
Have you been thinking
about our second event?
It could be your last, you know.
But it's your turn to choose.
Yes. I've decided on a race.
You can run, can't you?
Of course.
Five miles.
That's 27 times around the ship.
Are you ready?
Now?
Now.
Captain, will you start us?
Well, certainly.
(Bud coughs)
Yes. Thanks for suggesting
the, uh, pancakes,
eggs Benedict, Danish pastry,
not to mention that muffin.
It was my pleasure.
On your mark, get set.
False start!
Let him go, Captain.
By the time he
rounds that first turn,
that muffin's going to be
coming right out his ears.
(theme music playing)
Hi. May I come in?
Sure. There's nobody here.
Look what I got for the
Halloween ball, hmm.
Gee, I thought you'd love it.
Oh, I... I do.
What kind of shoes are
you going to wear with it?
This is not for me.
It's for you.
I'm going as a clown.
Aw.
Here.
Oh, Gopher. Thank you.
Well, it was either
that or an egg costume.
That's all they had left.
Ah yes. You'll be the
belle of the ball in this thing,
and I would be
honored to be with you.
Ah.
Well, I guess it must
be the company.
Excuse me. I played
chess with Matt for two hours
after we got back to
the cabin last night.
Poor guy, all cooped
up in that room all night.
Tom. The only one keeping Matt
cooped up in that
cabin last night was Matt.
Oh.
Isn't that sun gorgeous?
It's yellow, just like
the one in the brochure.
Ah, great.
I forgot my sunglasses.
Tom, can you do me a favor?
I think they're on the bureau.
Oh, sure. Just let
me finish my coffee.
On the bureau, right?
Yeah.
- Hi, Doc.
- Hi.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Hi. Good morning.
Hey, Doc, do you know where
I can get some suntan lotion?
Oh yeah. I usually keep some
by the showers on the Lido Deck.
Help yourself.
Lido Deck? And how far
is that as the crow hobbles?
Oh, it's right
around the corner.
Oh.
Why don't I get some for you?
- Hey, thanks.
- You're welcome.
Well, I guess I'll be going too.
Is there anything
that I could get you?
Not a thing.
I was thinking perhaps
you'd like a mirror
so you could get a good
long look at yourself.
(soft music playing)
What's this? Entertaining
men in the cabin?
Ah, ma'am. Absolutely not.
I just came by to bring Cindy
her costume for
the Halloween ball.
Cindy at the ball?
Don't make me laugh.
Give me that. Goodbye.
I thought you had
some ironing to do.
Well, actually, I do have
some shorts I should rinse out.
I'm going.
(lounge music playing)
(applause)
Come on, Bud. Over here!
Nice race, pal. I just beat you.
Hey, you okay?
I'm fine.
How about another muffin?
It's going to be
a terrific party.
Wait until you see my costume.
I'm going as Cinderella
with a pink mask
and glass slippers,
the whole thing.
You're the only one I'm
telling because I don't want you
to have any trouble finding me.
Well, I won't, but uh,
just do me one
little favor, will you?
When midnight comes
around, don't run out on me.
Oh, not this Cinderella.
Well, see you at
the ball, beautiful.
Later, Prince.
Hey, guys. What's going on?
- Hey, Preston.
- All right, Preston.
Good to see you. Right.
Yeah, but I still
don't get it, man.
How come Cindy's stepmother
won't let her go
to the ball, man?
She probably figures that Cindy
would make her dopey
daughters look bad.
But I'm not giving up.
I'm just going to find
another costume. That's all.
- Where?
- I don't know where.
(triumphant music playing)
- You couldn't.
- I shouldn't.
- You're gonna.
- I gotta.
Watch the door!
Hurry up!
Ah, I got to find one
that's right for Cindy.
Let's see.
Witch. No.
Adlai Stevenson.
Hey, Cinderella.
Perfect.
Yes. She's already
got the evil stepmother.
- Oh!
- Oh, hey!
Hey, I was just thinking...
Listen, um, want to be
an assistant bartender?
Never mind.
(theme music playing)
In my hat there are ten events.
The one I pick will be
your final competition.
Oh, Captain. Would you mind?
Let the lady pick.
I don't want any
complaints later.
Of course.
(soft music playing)
Well?
Weightlifting.
Do you pick concede now
or should we go
through the formalities?
The exercise room
anytime you want.
(theme music playing)
How's this stack up next to
the bathtub in our apartment?
This fills up faster.
Oh.
Matt, I want you to come
to the Halloween party
with Chris and me tonight.
I won't take no for an answer.
Gee, I was planning
to stay in the cabin
and count the
electrical outlets.
Isn't she terrific?
Everything seems terrific
when you're on vacation.
Skies are bluer, eyes are bluer.
This is more than just
a shipboard romance.
It is? You mean, it
can go into overtime?
I mean, it could
go into lifetime.
I'm really happy for you, Tom.
A wife, someday a family.
I'll be able to hang around
and enjoy life vicariously.
(emotional music playing)
You're the best. Always
there when I need you.
(soft music playing)
Ah, huh.
Ugh.
Sixty.
Now, look. Are you sure
you want to continue?
Captain, please.
It's a family squabble.
Oh, don't worry. There's
probably a lot of other networks
that'd love to have you.
Cute.
Whew.
Huh, huh, huh.
There you are.
- Oh!
- Bud!
My back.
- Where's the pain?
- Oh.
It's, uh, right there.
Bud, why don't we finish this
when you're feeling better?
We'll finish it right now.
I really don't think that's...
We'll finish it now.
Huh, huh.
Oh! Oh!
Bud. Bud, look. I...
You won. Congratulations.
Hip hip hooray. I won.
(theme music playing)
(disco music playing)
Smile, girls, and
try not to drool.
Have you spoken to Bud?
I can't find him.
There was no
answer in his cabin.
You know, it's funny.
Winning can be a very
empty experience too.
Usually when you go in
the winner's dressing room,
they're laughing and
happy, drinking champagne.
Would you settle for an
orange juice on the rocks?
Don't mind if I do.
(disco music playing)
I know you're wondering
who I'm supposed to be.
Perhaps this will
give you a clue.
Marshall Dillon.
Marshall Dillon.
Uh, Gunsmoke, uh,
uh, uh, Chester, right?
No. Kitty.
Uh, who are you supposed to be?
Who else?
Floyd Fosdick.
Oh, yeah! Floyd Fosdick.
Floyd Fosdick.
- Hi, Floyd.
- Hi.
You've owed me a dance
for about 15 years, you know.
I do have to pay my debts.
And wait till you see
the interest has piled up.
(disco music playing)
- Hey, Isaac.
- Yeah?
You seen Cinderella anywhere?
No.
Thank you.
Oh, the steward says
he can't find it anywhere.
Listen, you're better
off not being Cinderella.
I hear those glass slippers
are murder on bunions.
Oh, very funny. But I
don't have anything to wear.
Perfect.
Grab a fig leaf and we'll
go as Adam and Eve.
Okay, let's check
the costume locker.
There's got to
be something left.
All right, but Preston's
expecting me as Cinderella.
- Well, you know what they say.
- What?
If I knew, would I ask you?
(lounge music playing)
I can't dance.
Well, why not? You're
doing fine by me.
I just can't leave Matt sitting
over there like a bump on a log.
Come on. We'll all have a drink.
Uh, I... I don't think
that I want a drink.
Well then, we'll
just sit with him.
Matt doesn't want
me to sit with him.
He wants you to sit with
him for the rest of your life,
and I think that's
what you want too.
Chris.
Now look, Tom, we'd
better just forget it.
I may not have mentioned
this to you before,
but I happen to love you.
And I happen to
love you too, but we...
We just haven't got a chance.
(lounge music playing)
What's going on?
Nothing. Just made
a mistake that's all.
She leave you?
It isn't important.
It's because of me, isn't it?
I said it isn't important.
She just doesn't understand.
She understands
more than you think.
She had me figured
out from the beginning.
Chris offered me a mirror once.
But all I have to do is look
at your face right now to know
that I can't live
with what I see.
I'm sorry I put you
through this, Tom.
Where are you going?
To run an errand for you.
(lounge music playing)
Hey, excuse me, Miss.
But there's a fellow
named Fosdick over there
who's just dying
to dance with you.
Matt.
Well, is it a yes or a no?
It's a no.
I have the rest of my
life to dance with Fosdick.
Right now, I'd rather
dance with you.
Oh.
(lounge music playing)
What do you think?
Beautiful.
This is nothing.
You ought to see
when we have a party.
You look great, Cindy.
Oh no.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, good.
Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Gopher, what's wrong?
Why are you so
nervous all of a sudden?
No reason. No reason.
I just, uh, have this
feeling somebody's going
to turn me into a
pumpkin without benefit
of a magic wand if she finds me.
Come on. Don't worry about it.
No problem.
(disco music playing)
You want to risk a dance
with a guy with two left feet
and no sense of rhythm?
Thanks, but I think I'll go out
and get a breath of fresh air.
Okay.
(disco music playing)
Excuse me. Do you
know Witchcraft?
Witchcraft in C, fellas.
Okay.
They're playing your song.
Go ahead, come on.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That's sly come hither stare ♪
♪ That strips My
conscience bare ♪
♪ It's witchcraft ♪
♪ And I've got
No defense for it ♪
♪ The heat is... ♪
Gopher, you didn't
tell me Julie could sing.
She can't.
♪ What good would
Common sense for it do ♪
(soft music playing)
Hi.
Hi.
No Halloween ball for you?
Well, I was thinking of
coming as a sore loser,
but I couldn't find
the right costume.
Bud, look. I... I hate
what's happened.
I don't know how it got to this.
You won, that's
the way it got to this.
And I respect you for it.
Look, what I came out here for
was to suggest that you stay on.
I'll, uh, bow out.
I can get a job anywhere.
Oh, and I can't?
Ah, that's not what I meant.
You're probably right.
All you have to do is show,
uh, a little cleavage and uh,
you're in like Flynn.
I'm never going to
get through you, am I?
I just competed with
you on your own terms.
And you're still
being a chauvinist.
Oh, hell! I don't
know why I bother.
It's always going
to be the same.
Hey, uh, I thought
you're a fighter.
I am a fighter!
I fought my way
through beauty contests
and network brass.
And I finally got what I wanted.
But guess what?
I never wanted to do
this show without you.
(sentimental music playing)
Here.
You're the man with the facts.
You got all the information.
You got a mind like a computer.
You can pull the
information out faster.
And louder.
Yeah, and louder.
Me, I'm into people.
I like to know what
makes them tick.
How they got started in
sports in the first place.
Don't you see?
One without the other,
well, it doesn't work.
What about our bet?
Oh well, we can make a new bet.
Oh?
Yeah.
I'll bet you that you and I
could be the first
man-woman team to do
the play by plays
at the Super Bowl.
You know, I bet we can.
No, but wait a minute.
That's not much of a bet.
I mean, we're both
betting on the same side.
Right. That's what makes
us odds-on favorites.
Oh.
(romantic music playing)
♪ When you arouse
The need in me ♪
♪ My heart says
Yes indeed in me ♪
♪ Proceed with what
You're leading me to ♪
♪ It's such an ancient pitch ♪
♪ But one I never switch ♪
♪ 'Cause there's no
nicer Witch than you ♪
(applause)
I'm not going in there.
I look like I'm about to hatch.
Relax. I'll find you
somebody dressed as bacon.
(crowing)
That's my costume!
GOPHER: Pumpkin
time. Thank you very much.
- Gopher!
- Don't ask.
Hey, Julie, wait.
Wait, Julie!
Julie, wait! Julie!
Gopher, I'm going
to scramble you!
Julie, I thought
you were Cinderella.
Uh, uh, I... I was,
until there was
a substitution by the
late Gopher Smith.
And who's that girl there?
I don't know.
Well, look. I got to find
her, and can I have that?
I got to find the girl that
fits this slipper, all right?
Sure.
Thanks, Julie.
You're a good egg.
Well?
Nothing. I just had
this incredible craving
for a mushroom omelet.
(theme music playing)
Hey! Well, so long, guys.
I hope you enjoyed your cruise.
Oh, we certainly did.
Hey, what's this I
hear about you two?
What you hear, doctor,
are wedding bells.
Oh, hey, Doc has
been married so often,
his ears are still ringing.
Come and see us again.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. So long.
Oh no. Now don't
tell me you two...
Oh, we figured why break up
the second
man-woman play by play.
Second?
Yes. Didn't you hear?
Howard Cosell has a
new girl working with him.
- Who?
- Who?
Fran Tarkenton.
Goodbye you two. Good luck.
Thank you. See
you later, Captain.
Try it on. Try it on.
I seem to remember seeing a
Disney cartoon like this once.
I got to find that girl.
She sings like a dream.
Why don't you just
ask Gopher who she is?
Well, actually it was a
lot more fun this way.
It didn't fit me,
and your foot's
two sizes bigger than mine.
Ladies... ladies,
is there anyone
who hasn't tried
the slipper yet?
Okay, go on, come on.
Are you kidding? My
stepmother would kill me.
Well then sing. You
still got a chance.
Sing Witchcraft.
Gopher...
- I can't.
- You can!
You just... Pretend
you have a mask on.
Go on! Come on. Come on.
Uh, uh.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither... ♪
Take it.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither stare ♪
That's her. That's the girl.
Excuse me, Miss.
How would you like
to be a showbiz biggie?
Cindy?
Why, she sings
like a nightingale.
She looks like a little angel.
She'd be perfect for my band.
Oh, I'd love to be
showbiz biggie.
She's going to be
a showbiz biggie.
Who will iron our clothes?
Never mind, Dee-Dee.
The wrinkle look is in.
Cindy.
You're going to need
some new clothes.
You may have Susan's allowance.
Now, I have this wonderful
idea for her opening song.
Told you.
Oh, Gopher. It's been
just like a fairytale.
And you made it happen.
Please, my child.
Don't you realize
how difficult it is
for we fairy godmothers
to get the creases out
of our magic wand?
Aw, Julie. I'm sorry
for taking your costume.
It's okay. I didn't
mind being an egg.
And it wasn't your fault.
Julie.
Julie, listen, uh,
before you kill me,
there's somebody here
that I really want you to meet.
Someone with whom
you have a lot in common.
Who? Who?
Well, his friends
call him Humpty.
(theme music playing)
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
Making another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard, it's love ♪
(theme music playing)
Wow. Travel brochures don't lie.
I knew you'd like it, Matt.
We're going to have
the time of our lives.
Sure.
If things get dull, I can
always go tight rope walking.
(laughing)
Ms. Haley, your cabin is right
up those stairs and to the left.
- Enjoy your cruise.
- Thank you.
Did you bring your chess set?
And a cribbage board,
two new decks of cards,
Monopoly and Scrabble.
Tom, every day I thank my lucky
stars I have a brother like you.
Someone I can whip in any game.
(laughing)
Hmm. Some cutie.
Why, thank you.
(soft music playing)
Hello. May I help you?
Uh, I'll take care
of Ms. Rossmore.
Hi. I'm a big football fan.
Why, thank you. I'm
surprised you recognized me.
I haven't been around that long.
Football? Now I know
I'm not up on the game,
but don't tell me you're
the new Ram quarterback?
- No.
- Ms. Rossmore is a sportscaster.
She covers all the
major events for TV
Yes. And my name is Peggy.
- Um, Peggy, Julie McCoy.
- How do you do, Peggy?
I'm Adam Bricker.
How do you do?
I'm very impressed. There
aren't many women in your field.
No. There aren't.
Thanks to my father
and my brothers,
I was brought up on sports.
So my only problem was
getting a network to notice me.
Oh boy. When I was 14, I
would have given anything
to be a radio sportscaster.
How did you get started?
On some tiny local station?
No. I won a national
beauty contest.
I was going to try that,
but I couldn't find
a bikini in my size.
- Doc!
- (laughing)
Of course I catch
you on television
when I'm in port, Bud,
but boy it's been years.
Oh no.
Yeah, but how long has it been
since I seen you in the flesh?
Are you making
fun of my hairline?
Isn't that Bud Pomeroy?
- Uh-huh.
- That's one sportscaster
even I've heard of.
And heard, and heard, and heard.
(Julie laughing)
You should try
sitting next to him
in a broadcast booth sometime.
(theme music playing)
Uh, Julie, Doc.
I want you to meet an old
friend of mine. Bud Pomeroy.
Hello. How do you do?
Don't... don't tell me that...
That blonde in the white dress?
You mean, Peggy Rossmore?
Ah, how gruesomely appropriate.
A Halloween cruise, and I
get my own personal witch.
(soft music playing)
Hey, Preston Maddox.
- Hey.
- Isaac Washington.
Hey, Isaac Washington.
What a trip. The Prince of
Pop playing in Acapulco Lounge.
I want to see you
say that five times fast.
- What a...
- Isaac!
I can't figure out any
of these reservations.
What is this? RSBS.
RS. Rhythm section.
BS, brass section.
I figure guys that play
together should stay together.
You there.
Yes, you in the sailor suits.
There's absolutely
no one in charge here.
Uh...
Uh, Gopher, why don't
you take care of the lady.
Mr. Maddox, please,
come on. Follow me, please.
Oh, yes ma'am.
Assistant Purser, Burl
Smith, at your service.
How may I help you?
I'm Margaret Edith Jerome.
These are my two
lovely single daughters,
Dee-Dee and Sue-Sue.
Hi hi.
Um, ma'am, uh, it's
three daughters, isn't it?
Oh yes.
The other person
on your manifest
is my stepdaughter, Cindy.
(singing)
Cindy. Would you
please get a move on?
(singing)
And for heaven's sakes!
Stop that caterwauling.
Come dears.
And don't drop that red bag!
It's got all my makeup in it!
Uh, say, listen.
Why don't you let
me help you with this.
We have to be
very careful with this.
I don't think the world is ready
yet for Sue-Sue without makeup.
(horn blowing)
(theme music playing)
Excuse me, uh, is there
anyone sitting here?
Well, if there is,
he's real small.
Also going to be real flat.
I'm Chris. Chris Haley.
- Haley as in...
- The comet.
I'm Tom Benton as in
Bent-on having a good time.
You know, you look almost
exactly like Floyd Fosdick.
No kidding? Do
you really think so?
Oh, absolutely.
Wow.
Who's Floyd Fosdick?
A boy I had a crush
on in the fifth grade.
He was one of the world's
great 11-year-old romantics.
Don't tell me.
Proclaimed his
undying love for you
by putting a frog
in your lunchbox?
Close. It was a
salamander in my thermos.
All great fifth grade
minds think alike.
Jackpot bingo
begins in five minutes.
Jackpot bingo's going
to start up in the lounge
in five minutes, okay?
HALEY: I haven't played Bingo
in years. What do you think?
Sounds great.
You know, I have a hunch
you're going to be lucky for me.
TOM: I was just thinking
the same thing about you.
I'm really worried about
the salt air around here.
It's tough to boogie
on rusted hinges.
Chris Haley, my brother, Matt.
Oh, hi. How are you?
Uh, you want to
play Bingo, Matt?
No. I'm afraid I
can't right now.
Got to beat Tom at chess.
Oh.
So, what do you
want to lose with?
White or black?
Well, huh, see you
around Fosdick.
Fosdick.
I remind her of an
11-year-old salamander freak
named Floyd Fosdick.
Guppies maybe.
But not salamanders.
(soft music playing)
Vince Lombardi was the
best coach football ever had.
Anywhere, anytime
against all opposition.
Don't hold back, Bud.
Give us your opinion.
Peggy, if I knew you
were going to be here,
I'd have read up on something
that you could talk about,
like flavored lip gloss or
bust development exercise.
How considerate.
I watch the two
of you all the time.
You make a great team.
Of course we do, Doc.
We're, uh, a
perfect combination.
Brains and beauty.
Bud, I hate to disillusion you,
but you're really
not all that beautiful.
(whistle)
- Hello.
- How are you today?
Just fine.
Girls, there goes
the catch of a lifetime.
I wonder why they call
him the Prince of Pop?
I don't know. Maybe he's like
that other guy, Prince of Wales.
I think the Prince of Wales
has to stay at Sea World
all the time so we can feed 'em.
Don't think, you might
strain yourselves.
Just do what Mama tells...
I mean, just do
what mother tells you.
Cindy. Hey.
How would you like to
have dinner with me tonight?
- Aw, I...
- Cindy.
I have to go. My stepmother
wants her Mai Tai.
Uh, yeah, but how about
dinner? Is that a yes?
Cindy!
Probably not.
Definitely a probably not.
That's what I like.
Forceful indecision.
(theme music playing)
Smile, girls, and wave.
That's enough. That's enough.
We don't want him
to think you're easy.
But we are easy.
I know.
I'm not saying he was stupid,
but the first game he pitched,
he walked the
first five batters,
and when the manager
took him out of the game,
he yelled at him, "How
can you do this to me now?
I got a no-hitter going."
I'm sorry we're late.
Welcome. Welcome.
Thank you, Captain.
Oh, Bud, go on with your story.
You were talking about
Murray Lee, weren't you?
Correct. Two points.
Is this a contest?
Because if it is...
Would, uh, any of you care
for a nice, uh, seafood salad?
I'm getting a little
tired of your put downs.
When I was a kid, I
competed against my brothers.
They were a lot better
athletes than you are,
and they were in
a lot better shape.
And what was your event?
The 100-meter sewing bee?
Perhaps an
artichoke vinaigrette.
You name a game,
buster, and I'll put you away.
Now, wait a minute.
You're saying you'll
compete against me?
In sports?
Maybe some soup?
Any game, any time.
And what do you have to
back up this braggadocio?
You name it. What do you want?
The vichyssoise is very nice.
What I desire from you,
honey, is your absence.
Or the lentil.
You got it.
I'll put up my
job against yours.
Now wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
You want to bet our jobs?
Right.
The loser quits,
and either way we'll never
have to work together again.
Well, how do we make
arrangements for this contest?
Two sports out of three.
You pick one, I pick one.
And if we need another one,
we can pick it out of a hat.
How does that sound?
The prime rib is very nice.
Lady, I hear that the lines
down at the unemployment office
at this time of year
are extremely long.
Doc, let's blow off some
steam on the dance floor.
I think you have enough
steam for both of us.
I've always found the
lamb chops a delight.
Ah.
Hi, fellas.
Hi.
How went the Bingo?
Well, uh, not too good.
My lucky charm wasn't with me.
Come on. Sit down.
Well, I'd loan you
my four leaf clover,
but I think I just ate it
with the Russian dressing.
Are you playing
tonight, Mr. Maddox?
Oh, I'd love to, honey,
but unfortunately
I got a show to do
in about five minutes.
Maybe we can play later then.
Well, how about it, guys?
You want to catch the show?
- Sounds great.
- No, thanks.
Boy, you guys are
worse than the Senate.
How do you ever get
a majority around here?
Come on, Matt. You don't
want to miss the Prince of Pop.
Pop is exactly what my
ears do when I listen to him.
You go ahead. Don't
let me get in your way.
Well, look. Why don't you go.
Oh, come on.
How often do you get
to see Preston Maddox
on anything other
than a record jacket?
- You're right.
- Yeah.
Okay with you Matt?
I said it was okay, didn't I?
Hold the saxophones,
Preston. Here we come.
(theme music playing)
♪ And ♪
♪ But somehow Once upon a time ♪
♪ Ever comes again ♪
♪ Yes, once upon a time ♪
♪ Ever comes again ♪
(applause)
(lounge music playing)
Be sure and go up
there and tell him
how much you enjoyed his music.
Oh, I like him.
But I don't like his music.
Haven't I taught you anything?
Lie.
Look, why waste time?
Why don't we get
the show on the road?
Well, that suits me.
I'd rather tango with a
man who has three martinis
to his credit than
one who's sober.
Are you sure you
won't reconsider this?
You said I get to pick
the first contest, right?
Right.
Good. I pick arm
wrestling. Here and now.
This isn't the sort of
thing we generally do
in the Acapulco Lounge.
Have you, uh, watched some
of the newer dances, Captain?
Captain, you say go.
Go.
(grunts)
Oh.
Hey!
Oh!
One down, one to go.
It's all right. There's
always tomorrow.
And I pick the next one.
(Cindy singing)
Encore! Encore!
Ah, Gopher, you weren't
supposed to hear that.
You sing great!
Nah.
- Yes, you do.
- Nah.
- You look great, too.
- Nah.
I brought you a sandwich.
Nah.
I mean, thanks.
Hey, wait a minute.
Aren't you going to eat?
Somebody's got to
get my stepsisters ready
for the Halloween
ball tomorrow night.
What are you going as?
Me? Oh, I'm not going to go.
My stepmother
wouldn't stand for it.
Oh, Cindy. Why don't you
get away from that woman?
How? My father left
all the money to her.
I haven't even finished college.
What kind of a job could I get?
Unless some handsome prince
came to take me
away from all this.
Wait a minute.
Prince. That's it.
That's what?
Preston Maddox,
the Prince of Pop.
Gopher, I don't understand.
The way you sing, I bet you
that he'd hire you in a minute.
Now wait a minute, Gopher.
I... I couldn't sing in
front of an audience.
Well, try.
Here, wait a minute.
Excuse me while I
simulate the Hollywood bowl.
Okay, now... that.
Perfect.
Beautiful.
- Gopher.
- And now,
the one, the only, Cindy Jerome!
Cindy! Cindy! Cindy!
Come on! You can do it.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither stare ♪
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
Ah.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither stare ♪
♪ That strips My
conscience bare ♪
♪ It's witchcraft ♪
♪ And I've got no defense ♪
(theme music playing)
Who are you looking for?
I was kind of hoping Matt
had changed his mind.
You know, it's great you
feel concern for your brother,
but you deserve
a little R and R too.
I'm the only family he's got.
I brought him on this
trip to keep his spirits up.
Well, you taking him
on this trip was nice,
but the guilt trip he's
laying on you is not so nice.
What do you mean?
Well, Tom, people
with disabilities
are doing spectacular things
for themselves nowadays.
If it wasn't for fate, I'd be the
one with braces on my legs.
So any damn thing I can
do for Matt, I'm going to do.
Uh, hey, uh, look.
I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't
have opened my mouth.
You... you don't know me.
We've hardly even said hello.
Well, we could remedy that.
Hello, Chris.
Hi, Tom.
Want to dance?
Yeah.
That's it. These
shoes are so shiny,
your stepsisters could use
them to signal passing ships.
You're the best. Thanks.
Well, I'm going to shove off
before the blue meanies turn up.
Remember, tomorrow
you are singing
for Preston Maddox
and his orchestra.
I'd be too nervous.
I'd have to sing with
a bag over my head.
How about with a
mask over your face?
Huh?
The Halloween ball tomorrow.
You wear a costume,
you sing for Preston Maddox,
and nobody knows who you are.
Oh, Gopher, it's perfect.
Uh-huh.
- You're perfect.
- Uh-huh.
Good night.
- Gopher?
- Huh?
I don't have a costume.
Hey, you need a costume?
You got a costume.
You leave it to Burl
Smith. I'm Mr. Costume.
You come on down
to Costume City.
We got big costumes.
We got little costumes.
We got costume jewelry.
You take the San Diego
freeway, get off at...
Hi.
How was your night?
Terrific.
Do you know this cabin
measures exactly 14.5 feet by 12?
And there are 247 tiles
in the bathroom floor.
That bad, huh?
Eh, it could have been worse.
Could have been
a bigger bathroom.
So how was your night?
Oh, about like you said.
Preston was a little too loud.
Dance floor was crowded.
That's funny. You sure looked
chipper when you came in here.
Yeah, yeah.
Look, Matt.
I'm sorry I ran
out on you tonight.
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Well, I could use
a nice, cold beer.
All right. I'll call
room service.
No, never mind.
That'll take too long.
Oh, I'll get it myself.
- You don't have to do that.
- I want to.
Uh, hey. As long
as you're going,
see if you can get
me some onion rings.
- Sure.
- And hurry back.
The best floating
permanent chess game
in the Pacific awaits us.
(soft music playing)
(theme music playing)
My compliments
to the chef, Captain.
Delicious. Delicious.
Thank you, Bud. Thank you.
The last time a man
had a breakfast that size
was on Death Row.
Are you sure you wouldn't
like another muffin?
Seems a shame to have the
waiter carry back the last one.
Oh, why not? Thank you.
Uh, you're not being nice to me
in hopes of calling
off the bet, are you?
You know me better than that.
Have you been thinking
about our second event?
It could be your last, you know.
But it's your turn to choose.
Yes. I've decided on a race.
You can run, can't you?
Of course.
Five miles.
That's 27 times around the ship.
Are you ready?
Now?
Now.
Captain, will you start us?
Well, certainly.
(Bud coughs)
Yes. Thanks for suggesting
the, uh, pancakes,
eggs Benedict, Danish pastry,
not to mention that muffin.
It was my pleasure.
On your mark, get set.
False start!
Let him go, Captain.
By the time he
rounds that first turn,
that muffin's going to be
coming right out his ears.
(theme music playing)
Hi. May I come in?
Sure. There's nobody here.
Look what I got for the
Halloween ball, hmm.
Gee, I thought you'd love it.
Oh, I... I do.
What kind of shoes are
you going to wear with it?
This is not for me.
It's for you.
I'm going as a clown.
Aw.
Here.
Oh, Gopher. Thank you.
Well, it was either
that or an egg costume.
That's all they had left.
Ah yes. You'll be the
belle of the ball in this thing,
and I would be
honored to be with you.
Ah.
Well, I guess it must
be the company.
Excuse me. I played
chess with Matt for two hours
after we got back to
the cabin last night.
Poor guy, all cooped
up in that room all night.
Tom. The only one keeping Matt
cooped up in that
cabin last night was Matt.
Oh.
Isn't that sun gorgeous?
It's yellow, just like
the one in the brochure.
Ah, great.
I forgot my sunglasses.
Tom, can you do me a favor?
I think they're on the bureau.
Oh, sure. Just let
me finish my coffee.
On the bureau, right?
Yeah.
- Hi, Doc.
- Hi.
- Morning.
- Good morning.
Hi. Good morning.
Hey, Doc, do you know where
I can get some suntan lotion?
Oh yeah. I usually keep some
by the showers on the Lido Deck.
Help yourself.
Lido Deck? And how far
is that as the crow hobbles?
Oh, it's right
around the corner.
Oh.
Why don't I get some for you?
- Hey, thanks.
- You're welcome.
Well, I guess I'll be going too.
Is there anything
that I could get you?
Not a thing.
I was thinking perhaps
you'd like a mirror
so you could get a good
long look at yourself.
(soft music playing)
What's this? Entertaining
men in the cabin?
Ah, ma'am. Absolutely not.
I just came by to bring Cindy
her costume for
the Halloween ball.
Cindy at the ball?
Don't make me laugh.
Give me that. Goodbye.
I thought you had
some ironing to do.
Well, actually, I do have
some shorts I should rinse out.
I'm going.
(lounge music playing)
(applause)
Come on, Bud. Over here!
Nice race, pal. I just beat you.
Hey, you okay?
I'm fine.
How about another muffin?
It's going to be
a terrific party.
Wait until you see my costume.
I'm going as Cinderella
with a pink mask
and glass slippers,
the whole thing.
You're the only one I'm
telling because I don't want you
to have any trouble finding me.
Well, I won't, but uh,
just do me one
little favor, will you?
When midnight comes
around, don't run out on me.
Oh, not this Cinderella.
Well, see you at
the ball, beautiful.
Later, Prince.
Hey, guys. What's going on?
- Hey, Preston.
- All right, Preston.
Good to see you. Right.
Yeah, but I still
don't get it, man.
How come Cindy's stepmother
won't let her go
to the ball, man?
She probably figures that Cindy
would make her dopey
daughters look bad.
But I'm not giving up.
I'm just going to find
another costume. That's all.
- Where?
- I don't know where.
(triumphant music playing)
- You couldn't.
- I shouldn't.
- You're gonna.
- I gotta.
Watch the door!
Hurry up!
Ah, I got to find one
that's right for Cindy.
Let's see.
Witch. No.
Adlai Stevenson.
Hey, Cinderella.
Perfect.
Yes. She's already
got the evil stepmother.
- Oh!
- Oh, hey!
Hey, I was just thinking...
Listen, um, want to be
an assistant bartender?
Never mind.
(theme music playing)
In my hat there are ten events.
The one I pick will be
your final competition.
Oh, Captain. Would you mind?
Let the lady pick.
I don't want any
complaints later.
Of course.
(soft music playing)
Well?
Weightlifting.
Do you pick concede now
or should we go
through the formalities?
The exercise room
anytime you want.
(theme music playing)
How's this stack up next to
the bathtub in our apartment?
This fills up faster.
Oh.
Matt, I want you to come
to the Halloween party
with Chris and me tonight.
I won't take no for an answer.
Gee, I was planning
to stay in the cabin
and count the
electrical outlets.
Isn't she terrific?
Everything seems terrific
when you're on vacation.
Skies are bluer, eyes are bluer.
This is more than just
a shipboard romance.
It is? You mean, it
can go into overtime?
I mean, it could
go into lifetime.
I'm really happy for you, Tom.
A wife, someday a family.
I'll be able to hang around
and enjoy life vicariously.
(emotional music playing)
You're the best. Always
there when I need you.
(soft music playing)
Ah, huh.
Ugh.
Sixty.
Now, look. Are you sure
you want to continue?
Captain, please.
It's a family squabble.
Oh, don't worry. There's
probably a lot of other networks
that'd love to have you.
Cute.
Whew.
Huh, huh, huh.
There you are.
- Oh!
- Bud!
My back.
- Where's the pain?
- Oh.
It's, uh, right there.
Bud, why don't we finish this
when you're feeling better?
We'll finish it right now.
I really don't think that's...
We'll finish it now.
Huh, huh.
Oh! Oh!
Bud. Bud, look. I...
You won. Congratulations.
Hip hip hooray. I won.
(theme music playing)
(disco music playing)
Smile, girls, and
try not to drool.
Have you spoken to Bud?
I can't find him.
There was no
answer in his cabin.
You know, it's funny.
Winning can be a very
empty experience too.
Usually when you go in
the winner's dressing room,
they're laughing and
happy, drinking champagne.
Would you settle for an
orange juice on the rocks?
Don't mind if I do.
(disco music playing)
I know you're wondering
who I'm supposed to be.
Perhaps this will
give you a clue.
Marshall Dillon.
Marshall Dillon.
Uh, Gunsmoke, uh,
uh, uh, Chester, right?
No. Kitty.
Uh, who are you supposed to be?
Who else?
Floyd Fosdick.
Oh, yeah! Floyd Fosdick.
Floyd Fosdick.
- Hi, Floyd.
- Hi.
You've owed me a dance
for about 15 years, you know.
I do have to pay my debts.
And wait till you see
the interest has piled up.
(disco music playing)
- Hey, Isaac.
- Yeah?
You seen Cinderella anywhere?
No.
Thank you.
Oh, the steward says
he can't find it anywhere.
Listen, you're better
off not being Cinderella.
I hear those glass slippers
are murder on bunions.
Oh, very funny. But I
don't have anything to wear.
Perfect.
Grab a fig leaf and we'll
go as Adam and Eve.
Okay, let's check
the costume locker.
There's got to
be something left.
All right, but Preston's
expecting me as Cinderella.
- Well, you know what they say.
- What?
If I knew, would I ask you?
(lounge music playing)
I can't dance.
Well, why not? You're
doing fine by me.
I just can't leave Matt sitting
over there like a bump on a log.
Come on. We'll all have a drink.
Uh, I... I don't think
that I want a drink.
Well then, we'll
just sit with him.
Matt doesn't want
me to sit with him.
He wants you to sit with
him for the rest of your life,
and I think that's
what you want too.
Chris.
Now look, Tom, we'd
better just forget it.
I may not have mentioned
this to you before,
but I happen to love you.
And I happen to
love you too, but we...
We just haven't got a chance.
(lounge music playing)
What's going on?
Nothing. Just made
a mistake that's all.
She leave you?
It isn't important.
It's because of me, isn't it?
I said it isn't important.
She just doesn't understand.
She understands
more than you think.
She had me figured
out from the beginning.
Chris offered me a mirror once.
But all I have to do is look
at your face right now to know
that I can't live
with what I see.
I'm sorry I put you
through this, Tom.
Where are you going?
To run an errand for you.
(lounge music playing)
Hey, excuse me, Miss.
But there's a fellow
named Fosdick over there
who's just dying
to dance with you.
Matt.
Well, is it a yes or a no?
It's a no.
I have the rest of my
life to dance with Fosdick.
Right now, I'd rather
dance with you.
Oh.
(lounge music playing)
What do you think?
Beautiful.
This is nothing.
You ought to see
when we have a party.
You look great, Cindy.
Oh no.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, good.
Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Gopher, what's wrong?
Why are you so
nervous all of a sudden?
No reason. No reason.
I just, uh, have this
feeling somebody's going
to turn me into a
pumpkin without benefit
of a magic wand if she finds me.
Come on. Don't worry about it.
No problem.
(disco music playing)
You want to risk a dance
with a guy with two left feet
and no sense of rhythm?
Thanks, but I think I'll go out
and get a breath of fresh air.
Okay.
(disco music playing)
Excuse me. Do you
know Witchcraft?
Witchcraft in C, fellas.
Okay.
They're playing your song.
Go ahead, come on.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That's sly come hither stare ♪
♪ That strips My
conscience bare ♪
♪ It's witchcraft ♪
♪ And I've got
No defense for it ♪
♪ The heat is... ♪
Gopher, you didn't
tell me Julie could sing.
She can't.
♪ What good would
Common sense for it do ♪
(soft music playing)
Hi.
Hi.
No Halloween ball for you?
Well, I was thinking of
coming as a sore loser,
but I couldn't find
the right costume.
Bud, look. I... I hate
what's happened.
I don't know how it got to this.
You won, that's
the way it got to this.
And I respect you for it.
Look, what I came out here for
was to suggest that you stay on.
I'll, uh, bow out.
I can get a job anywhere.
Oh, and I can't?
Ah, that's not what I meant.
You're probably right.
All you have to do is show,
uh, a little cleavage and uh,
you're in like Flynn.
I'm never going to
get through you, am I?
I just competed with
you on your own terms.
And you're still
being a chauvinist.
Oh, hell! I don't
know why I bother.
It's always going
to be the same.
Hey, uh, I thought
you're a fighter.
I am a fighter!
I fought my way
through beauty contests
and network brass.
And I finally got what I wanted.
But guess what?
I never wanted to do
this show without you.
(sentimental music playing)
Here.
You're the man with the facts.
You got all the information.
You got a mind like a computer.
You can pull the
information out faster.
And louder.
Yeah, and louder.
Me, I'm into people.
I like to know what
makes them tick.
How they got started in
sports in the first place.
Don't you see?
One without the other,
well, it doesn't work.
What about our bet?
Oh well, we can make a new bet.
Oh?
Yeah.
I'll bet you that you and I
could be the first
man-woman team to do
the play by plays
at the Super Bowl.
You know, I bet we can.
No, but wait a minute.
That's not much of a bet.
I mean, we're both
betting on the same side.
Right. That's what makes
us odds-on favorites.
Oh.
(romantic music playing)
♪ When you arouse
The need in me ♪
♪ My heart says
Yes indeed in me ♪
♪ Proceed with what
You're leading me to ♪
♪ It's such an ancient pitch ♪
♪ But one I never switch ♪
♪ 'Cause there's no
nicer Witch than you ♪
(applause)
I'm not going in there.
I look like I'm about to hatch.
Relax. I'll find you
somebody dressed as bacon.
(crowing)
That's my costume!
GOPHER: Pumpkin
time. Thank you very much.
- Gopher!
- Don't ask.
Hey, Julie, wait.
Wait, Julie!
Julie, wait! Julie!
Gopher, I'm going
to scramble you!
Julie, I thought
you were Cinderella.
Uh, uh, I... I was,
until there was
a substitution by the
late Gopher Smith.
And who's that girl there?
I don't know.
Well, look. I got to find
her, and can I have that?
I got to find the girl that
fits this slipper, all right?
Sure.
Thanks, Julie.
You're a good egg.
Well?
Nothing. I just had
this incredible craving
for a mushroom omelet.
(theme music playing)
Hey! Well, so long, guys.
I hope you enjoyed your cruise.
Oh, we certainly did.
Hey, what's this I
hear about you two?
What you hear, doctor,
are wedding bells.
Oh, hey, Doc has
been married so often,
his ears are still ringing.
Come and see us again.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye. So long.
Oh no. Now don't
tell me you two...
Oh, we figured why break up
the second
man-woman play by play.
Second?
Yes. Didn't you hear?
Howard Cosell has a
new girl working with him.
- Who?
- Who?
Fran Tarkenton.
Goodbye you two. Good luck.
Thank you. See
you later, Captain.
Try it on. Try it on.
I seem to remember seeing a
Disney cartoon like this once.
I got to find that girl.
She sings like a dream.
Why don't you just
ask Gopher who she is?
Well, actually it was a
lot more fun this way.
It didn't fit me,
and your foot's
two sizes bigger than mine.
Ladies... ladies,
is there anyone
who hasn't tried
the slipper yet?
Okay, go on, come on.
Are you kidding? My
stepmother would kill me.
Well then sing. You
still got a chance.
Sing Witchcraft.
Gopher...
- I can't.
- You can!
You just... Pretend
you have a mask on.
Go on! Come on. Come on.
Uh, uh.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither... ♪
Take it.
♪ Those fingers in my hair ♪
♪ That sly come hither stare ♪
That's her. That's the girl.
Excuse me, Miss.
How would you like
to be a showbiz biggie?
Cindy?
Why, she sings
like a nightingale.
She looks like a little angel.
She'd be perfect for my band.
Oh, I'd love to be
showbiz biggie.
She's going to be
a showbiz biggie.
Who will iron our clothes?
Never mind, Dee-Dee.
The wrinkle look is in.
Cindy.
You're going to need
some new clothes.
You may have Susan's allowance.
Now, I have this wonderful
idea for her opening song.
Told you.
Oh, Gopher. It's been
just like a fairytale.
And you made it happen.
Please, my child.
Don't you realize
how difficult it is
for we fairy godmothers
to get the creases out
of our magic wand?
Aw, Julie. I'm sorry
for taking your costume.
It's okay. I didn't
mind being an egg.
And it wasn't your fault.
Julie.
Julie, listen, uh,
before you kill me,
there's somebody here
that I really want you to meet.
Someone with whom
you have a lot in common.
Who? Who?
Well, his friends
call him Humpty.
(theme music playing)
(theme music playing)