The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 6 - Gopher's Greatest Hits/The Vacation/One Rose a Day - full transcript
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪
(theme music playing)
Isaac!
Mrs. Binkley!
Hey, how you doing?
Fine. How are you?
So you're trying us again, huh?
Things are looking up.
I thought I heard
a familiar voice.
Familiar and loud, right?
Will your sister be
back this year, too?
The dynamic duo lives.
Do we have our same state room?
First cabin, Promenade deck.
Just follow the martini glasses.
Uh, yes and no.
Well, that's pretty definite.
Didn't your sister tell you?
Tell me what?
Olivia!
You old bag of doorknobs.
Ah, Sis! How are you!
Okay. Enough small
talk. Let's raise hell.
Things are going to be
a little different this year.
Why? I'm still
young and desirable.
Well, um, because
Byron's coming with us.
You brought your husband?
Well, yes. But,
we'll still have fun.
Sure. We'll lock
him in the closet.
What's so funny?
Nothing, darling.
I can't believe it.
Those two married
women were raising hell
on this ship for six years.
Now one brings her husband.
Well, I guess that means
only half the men on board
are going to have a good time.
(music)
Hello.
Welcome aboard. I'm Gopher
Smith, the assistant purser.
Hello. I'm Janet Latham.
- Ah...
- Oh, Mrs. Latham.
There's a gentleman
looking for you.
- Right.
- For me? Here?
Are you sure?
Yes, ma'am.
He's waiting for
you in the lobby.
This is quite a mystery.
I'll show you.
Oh, that's the gentleman there.
That's my florist.
Oh, that's too bad.
Mrs. Latham.
Mr. Dobson.
Just because you're on vacation,
I didn't want you to
miss out on your roses.
Oh, thank you.
Goodness, you mean to
tell me you came all the way
from San Francisco
just to deliver this?
Oh, no. No, no.
I'm sailing too.
Oh.
Well, that's very nice.
Perhaps we'll run
into each other.
Perhaps, yes.
Well, what a small world.
(music)
Hi.
Thank you.
(music)
Hello.
Oh.
Oh, that figures.
If it's not one
thing, it's another.
What's the problem?
Mumps.
Nothing personal, but will
you mind standing down wind.
I've never had the mumps.
No. Not me. Danny Denzlo.
Danny Denzlo has the mumps?
That's terrible.
That's awful.
Who's Danny Denzlo?
He's the singer I
booked for this cruise.
Oh, now his manager says he
has the mumps, and he can't sing.
Can he hum?
Doc, we're sailing in 15
minutes without a singer.
What am I going
to tell the Captain?
Tell him to learn
"Melancholy Baby" quick.
You know what I love about you?
Not much.
She used to be
such a pleasant girl.
(ships horn blowing)
(passengers cheering)
(music)
Come on, Isaac. Think.
I have to find
some entertainment
for the Acapulco Lounge.
I need to find somebody
to replace that sick singer.
4 got it!
- What?
(singing) ♪ Give my
regards to Broadway ♪
Next!
Well, then, Promenade 343.
That should be you right here.
I'll open it up for you.
Here we are.
Your home away from home.
- Thank you, Gopher.
- Uh, huh.
I, uh, I suppose I
seem like a dunce,
but I've never
traveled alone before.
Oh, well.
You won't be alone for long if
you get out and mix and mingle.
Is that as dreadful
as it sounds?
No.
Besides, it looks to me as if
you already have an admirer.
- Henry Dobson?
- Uh, huh.
Oh, no. He just delivers
me a rose every day.
(music)
Oh, my husband was
a very romantic man.
Every day of our marriage, he
sent a single white rose to me.
And even though he's been
gone now for three years,
the roses keep coming.
Wow.
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
Yes, beautiful.
Well, here you go.
And your key.
- Thanks again, Gopher.
- You're welcome. Bye bye.
Bye bye.
(romantic music)
Gee, I wonder what Julie's
going to do about a singer.
I don't know, but if
she doesn't find one,
she'll have to do
her sewing by hand.
Singer?
Sewing? You get it?
Unfortunately.
Mr. Smith, your
cleaning's ready.
(singing) ♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, The
pipes are calling ♪
♪ So come ye back when
Summer's in the meadow ♪
♪ Or when the valley's
hushed And white with snow ♪
♪ I'll be here in spring
time or in shadow ♪
(theme music)
Honey, I m going to go
across the hall and see Livy.
Let's meet later.
How much later?
I don't know. Go find
something to amuse yourself.
Like what?
Byron, I see my
sister once a year.
I only have one
chance to gossip, giggle
and get caught up.
What's to get caught up on?
You write to each
other every week.
We're off and running.
I don't want to say it's boring
over there, but I've unpacked,
finished my magazines,
read the ship's log
and was about to
start on the Bible.
Come in.
I am in.
I used to live here
in the good old days.
Oh, yes. I've heard
about the good old days,
and I think it's high time
somebody kept an eye on you two.
You were right. Let's
lock him in the closet.
Do it.
BYRON: Hey!
(music) BYRON: Hey come on.
(knocking on door)
We're going to go find
some action, Byron.
Call us if you need anything.
BYRON: Joan, you
come back here right now!
Oh, I guess we've
got to let him out.
Why?
Well, I think we
should just let him out.
He doesn't love this
stuff the way we do.
BYRON: Come back here right now!
Oh, I guess so. They
don't call Byron wet blanket
because he sleeps in the rain.
(Gopher singing) ♪ I'll be
here In sunshine or in shadow ♪
♪ Oh, Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
(cheering)
Gee guys. If I knew
you were coming,
I would have saved
some hot water.
Gopher, you're fantastic!
Ah, thank you.
Well, you know I work out and
avoid between meal treats so...
How'd you like to sing
for the passengers?
Oh, come on, I'm
not a performer.
Oh, you could have fooled us.
(singing) ♪ Oh Danny Boy ♪
I sing in the shower.
You sang for the crew show.
Yeah, but that was different.
There I was hamming
it up with my dad.
I couldn't get up in front
of an audience... alone.
Julie's singer is sick.
Now somebody has got to go on!
Well, get yourself
another somebody
because I am not going to
make a fool out of myself.
Oh, Gopher.
Hey.
Tell her you don't argue
with a man in a wet towel.
He's right.
He might decide
to snap it at you.
Now, if you'll please excuse me.
If you will please excuse me.
Please, excuse me.
An interesting performance
with fine music and lyrics.
The costuming, however,
left much to be desired.
Out!
(music)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, here's one
you might remember.
(singing) ♪ Oh, Danny... ♪
(music)
I'll be right back.
(theme music)
Thank you.
(lounge music playing)
Would you care for a glass
of sherry, Mrs. Latham?
No thank you, Mr. Dobson.
I don't like sherry.
Oh.
They told me to mix and mingle.
They told me the same thing.
Won't you sit down.
(Dobson clears throat)
I'm disturbing you.
Not at all.
It's nice to see
a familiar face.
Well, how long have
we known each other?
Six, seven, eight years?
Eleven,
but who's counting.
But I guess you couldn't
really say we know each other.
No, that's too bad.
It's a shame, isn't it?
We get so caught
up in our big city lives.
I guess it's just a matter
of getting past "hello".
That's right.
Well...
hello, Henry.
Hello.
Now what?
Will you have dinner
with me, Mrs. Latham?
I'd love to have
dinner with you.
Oh. Oh, good.
And it's Janet.
Janet
Now what?
(sentimental music)
(theme music)
Well, how are my two
favorite passengers doing?
No complaints.
Not that many
compliments either.
Allow me.
You look ravishing.
I'd rather look ravished.
Were the drinks okay?
Oh, another round, Isaac.
Oh, certainly.
Joan, I don't need
another round.
Wrong.
There's a sad situation.
A handsome man sitting
in the corner, all alone.
What's sad about that?
The fact that I'm sitting here.
Bye.
What's she doing?
She's a married woman.
Oh, she's just flirting.
I just don't understand
women these days.
Women are no different than men.
They like to let it all hang
out once in a while too.
Three pina coladas.
Uno, uno, uno.
Olivia's gone.
Byron doesn't want his.
So it looks like
I'm all on my own.
There must be some way
to get Gopher to sing tonight.
Well, sure. You could
put a gun to his head,
hold his parents hostage.
Hide his skate key.
Why do I listen to them?
Why don't I learn?
Julie, if he doesn't want
to sing, you can't make him.
I know.
Look...
I'd love to go on
chatting with you,
but I'm about to have
a previous engagement.
I wonder if she can sing.
I don't think that's what
Doc's going to ask her.
You know, the one
way to get somebody
to do something
they don't want to do
is to convince them that
what they don't want to do
is really something
they want to do.
When I get finished,
Gopher will want to.
Run that by me again.
(theme music)
McCoy!
McCoy!
Yes. Is there
something you wanted?
Julie. Look, I clearly stated
that under no circumstances...
Oh, wow!
Wow!
This is you, isn't it?
Well, yeah, it's me.
You're singing here tonight?
Well, actually I'm just...
Oh, I just love singers.
They make me feel so... sexy.
Oh, really?
Oh yeah.
I just can't seem to control
myself when a man sings to me.
Oh, really?
- Smith.
- What?
Did you want to say
something to me?
Yes, Julie, um...
That is, uh...
I got to go rehearse
with the band.
Thank you.
Anytime. Listen, I got to run.
I got to go out to
dinner with my husband.
I didn't know you were married.
Yeah, to an accountant.
Accountants make
me feel so sexy.
(theme music)
(lounge music playing)
This has the color
of a night rose.
You know so much about flowers.
And absolutely
nothing about wine.
Hmm. Tastes terrific, though.
What a wonderful
business you're in.
You make so many people happy.
I'm a lot like you.
Oh?
You make them happy
just to look at you.
And now, I'm the
color of a night rose.
(lounge music)
Where's the watch dog?
At el buffet.
Livvy, I'm really sorry if
he's cramping your style.
Nobody's cramping my style.
I'm just sorry you're
stuck with him.
Byron's not so bad if
he'd just let himself go.
If my husband would let
himself go, I'd help him pack.
Things still lousy at home?
Well, let's put it
this way. Uh-huh.
But, look, let's not
spend the whole evening
crying in our beer.
I came here to live,
love, laugh and be happy
or words to that effect.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See ya.
Hey, guys.
I can't get any of the musicians
to tell me what
Gopher's going to sing.
Every time I ask, they just
look at me and start laughing.
Well, that's not
very encouraging.
What are we worried about, huh?
I mean, we've heard
him sing. He's great.
Nothing to worry about.
CAPTAIN: Julie.
Yes, sir.
I notice that you've
substituted Gopher
for the scheduled entertainment.
I only hope that the
passengers concur
with your artistic judgment.
Now I'm worried. You worried?
- Nah.
- Nah.
Really?
Well, sure.
It wasn't our idea.
What can you do? It's
too late to cancel him.
Man, if he goes up and bombs
after you conned him into it...
He's not going to bomb.
But just the same,
what do you say we
give him a little insurance.
I don't think we have any
applause machines on board.
No, but we do know a lot
of the passengers on board.
Maybe we could tell them
that Gopher's our friend.
And plead for mercy.
No. And ask for them
to encourage him.
What do you say, Doc?
Well, if you think it'll help.
I'll make sure that
everybody gets plenty to drink.
They may not even see him.
(lounge music)
Oh, that was a great dinner.
Hmm?
The dinner. It was great.
You know, I never cared
for Olivia's husband much,
but I sure feel
sorry for him now.
Are we going to waste
a beautiful evening
worrying about Ted?
I am.
Oh, come on, honey.
Have a margarita.
And besides, it's
none of our business.
A toast...
to Joan and Byron.
May they live a thousand years.
She kissed him.
May Joan live a thousand
years when Byron dropped dead.
I don't see how you can
condone that kind of behavior.
Come on, honey.
Stop worrying about Olivia
and concentrate on me.
After all, I am the
more attractive,
younger sexier sister.
Yeah, and you're mine, all mine.
Hey, Joan.
Remember me?
Roger, last year, Senor Frogs.
The conga line.
(singing Ba, da, da, da, da, da.
We got to do that
again sometime.
My wife said she never had
so much fun in her whole life.
(theme music)
Well, I talked to a few people,
and I think we can
safely rule out sniper fire.
Well, let's not get
carried away, huh?
I mean, Gopher's just
going to sing a simple song.
It's no big deal.
(music fanfare)
Oh my.
(music)
(clapping)
I don t believe it.
Madame Frankenstein
meet your monster.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
And good evening.
Or should I say buenos noches.
Okay. I want to
dedicate this first one
to all you guys and
you gals that are in love
because I think you'll
find this song tells it all.
♪ Oh, you know
that The shark has ♪
You know it?
♪ Such sharp teeth ♪
♪ And he shows
Them pearly whites ♪
I guess he uses
dental floss right girls?
Yes, yes, yes.
♪ Has old MacHeath, there ♪
Where are you from originally?
♪ And he keeps it Out
of view, out of sight ♪
♪ Whoops, hey,
When that shark bites ♪
♪ With those teeth, dear ♪
♪ Scarlet billows
Start to spread ♪
Yeah.
♪ Fancy gloves though,
Wears old MacHeath, babe ♪
♪ So there's nevah,
Nevah a trace of crimson ♪
♪ Or scarlet or red ♪
Yeah!
♪ On the sidewalk
On Sunday morning ♪
♪ There's a body Oozing life ♪
♪ Someone sneaking,
Sneaking around that corner ♪
♪ Whoops. Could that
someone be Mack the Knife? ♪
Everybody!
♪ Sukey Tawdry or Jenny Diver ♪
Captain Stubing,
ladies and gentlemen.
♪ And old Lucy Brown ♪
mm, the “he forms
On the right, babe ♪
♪ Now that Mackies ♪
♪ Ha, ho:
♪ Mackies, ha, ho ♪
♪ Mackie is back in this town ♪
(applause and cheering)
How many people did
you talk to about Gopher?
Not that many.
They like him.
What did you
put in their drinks?
That was a great show,
Julie. Congratulations.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You know for a while there,
I didn't even realize
he was putting us on.
Excuse me.
He thinks Gopher was kidding.
Apparently everybody does.
Maybe he was putting us on.
I don't want to ask him.
Do you want to ask him?
- Not me.
- Not me.
I don't want to ask him.
Yes, well, listen,
a guy, a guy has to do
what he has to do, you know?
I appreciate it. I really do.
Mr. Smith, you were
wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
- Well, you're very kind.
- Very impressive work, my boy.
- Very impressive work.
- Thank you. I'll try it.
- Wasn't he good? Wasn't he good?
- Thank you. Thank you.
(theme music)
(lounge music)
(applause)
(dance music)
We... we dance well together.
Well, you dance
well with anybody.
It's like you
invented the waltz.
Oh, I did.
Whoever dances the waltz
must pay me three
dollars in royalties,
which is why I'm a very rich
man today and why I own the ship.
I see. Oh, boy.
I'm very comfortable with you,
and I wasn't sure I would be.
Why?
Am I so forbidding?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I, uh, I was just afraid.
I've never taken a
risk in my whole life.
Neither have I.
Change is so frightening.
So is staying in one place.
(romantic music)
Well, I guess I owe
you three dollars.
You what?
I danced one of your waltzes.
Oh.
Yes, yes.
Will you take a check?
You have any identification?
(romantic music)
I can't believe it.
Gopher's the new
romantic heartthrob
because of his singing,
and we thought it was
going to be heartburn.
Talking about romance, Gopher
just told me about Mrs. Latham.
Her husband gave
her a single white rose
every day they were married.
He died three years ago,
but he made arrangements
for the roses to keep coming.
I had the same kind of
arrangement with my ex-wives.
I send them alimony
checks every day.
It really makes me feel good
to know that if I wasn't here
you'd be off in some
conga line with Roger.
How many times do I have
to tell you Roger's married?
Well, so are you, but it
doesn't seem to slow you down.
Roger, his wife and I had fun.
Remember when
we used to have fun?
Oh, probably not.
It's been such a long time.
I suppose your sister
is having fun too?
Well, that's exactly
what she's having.
She's a very outgoing
person, and she likes people.
Especially men.
Especially men, but it doesn't
mean she sleeps with them!
You needn't shout.
It's awfully hard to yell
at you without shouting.
Boy, this is some cruise.
You can say that again.
I can't say that again.
I'm not speaking to you.
Well...
good night.
Humpf. I certainly
wish it had been.
(sad music)
(theme music)
Oh, good breakfast.
I am stuffed.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, maybe we shouldn't go
swimming. We'll probably sink.
Isn't Roger's wife nice?
Yes, she is.
And so is Roger.
And I'm sorry about last night.
I even take back
everything I said about Olivia.
Isn't that...?
Boy, you must think
I'm some pushover.
What?
Well, if this is the way
you and your sister behave
when you're away from home.
What Olivia's done has
nothing to do with me.
Oh, sure, sure. I know.
You, Roger and his wife
were dancing the conga,
and who else was in that line?
And that was only one night.
And what about all those
other cruises you were on?
(Livvy singing to herself)
Joanie, wait until
I tell you what...
Honey, what's the matter?
Why are you crying?
(sad music)
Byron saw someone coming
out of your cabin just now,
and he thinks... he thinks
all these cruises I'm...
Guilty by association?
Honey, I'm really sorry.
It's not your fault.
Why did I let him come anyway?
You know, I thought
that maybe he'd be...
maybe he'd be different.
Maybe... Oh, what's the use?
Joanie, let's face it.
Byron is Byron.
Come on, honey. Fix your face.
By my count, you've got
five cruises to make up for.
Come on.
(theme music)
Have you guys seen Gopher?
He's meeting his public.
Hey, hey. Saw you last night.
Love you. Thanks for coming in.
All right. Okay. Hey.
I guess he knew what
he was doing last night.
You know, I guess a guy
can sing his brains out,
but if there's nobody
there to listen to him,
you're all by yourself,
you know? Hey.
Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Dedicate one just
for you tonight, okay?
There he is, ladies
and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thank you.
Boy, it really went great
last night, don't you think?
Oh, yeah.
Everybody thought
you were terrific.
Yeah, I know.
I was actually afraid I
was going to get up there
and look stupid last night,
but even made some mistakes
in the beginning
and nobody noticed.
No.
Oh, Julie, by the way,
I'll be talking to you later
about getting some
backup singers.
I think I might really jazz
up the act, you know?
Oh, hi. Hey, listen, saw
you in the audience last night.
Did you enjoy it?
I'll sign that cocktail
napkin for you now.
No, no problem. Here.
Got a pen right here.
Okay.
Young people are beautiful.
Maybe we ought to tell him.
(Julies and Isaac
clear their throats)
On second thought,
why ruin his day?
(theme music)
There's a language for flowers?
I never heard of that.
Oh, sure.
A daisy is for innocence.
A deep red carnation
means "alas my poor heart".
Did you invent this, too?
Am I going to owe you
another three dollars?
A daffodil means "best regards".
A striped carnation
means "I refuse your love."
Do me a favor and don't send
me any striped carnations, okay?
White rose stands for pure love
or "am I worthy of you?"
(romantic music)
Which reminds me,
you didn't get your rose today.
Is something wrong?
Henry, I...
Excuse me.
(soft music)
(theme music)
- Oh, Julie.
- Yeah.
- I want to talk to you.
- Hmm?
I think maybe we
should change this poster.
I want to lose that
Gopher. It's too undignified.
Have you ever heard
of a star named Gopher?
I think maybe just the
song stylings of Burl Smith,
the man and his music.
I think you should bill yourself
as comedian Burl Smith.
Or maybe parodist Burl Smith.
That is what you call someone
who's doing a
take-off, isn't it?
A parodist?
Uh...
Well, anyway, Gopher,
whatever you put on that sign,
you've got the
passengers in stitches.
Keep up the good work.
(somber music)
Well, at least I gave
you all a good laugh.
(somber music continues)
(theme music)
Good afternoon, Mr. Homer.
Captain.
You have some special
wife and sister-in-law there.
We look forward to
seeing them every year.
And you must be
pretty special yourself,
giving your wife all
the freedom you do.
Well, you know, I was
pretty busy the last few years.
You know, some
men are so possessive
they squelch the joy
right out of their marriages.
Pretty soon, they uh, well,
they've lost the one thing
they're trying so
hard to hold onto.
I've seen a lot of couples.
Very few enlightened husbands.
(retrospective music)
(Joan and Olivia laughing)
Joan.
May I speak with you a minute?
Excuse me.
Well, you've had your
minute. Now speak.
I'm trying to find
the right words.
It isn't easy.
Well, maybe I can help
you. It's Olivia, right?
You think because she
spent the night with a man
that it runs in the family.
Well, Byron, let me tell you,
Olivia acts the way
she does on these trips
because Ted doesn't
give her a chance at home.
She's miserable, but she
keeps it all locked up inside.
I don't give a
damn about Olivia.
It's you I care about,
and if I didn't, I wouldn't
feel so jealous all the time.
I'm telling you, Joan, it
drives me just about nuts
every time you go on
one of these cruises.
I imagine all sorts of things.
I just can't help myself.
Are you asking me whether I've
done what Olivia's been doing?
I have to be perfectly
honest with you.
The answer's no.
Honestly, never.
Oh, and there were
plenty of opportunities.
It could have been
dangerous, exciting and fun.
The fact is, I've been waiting
to have an affair with you.
With me?
You're all the
lover I need, Byron.
Only you're not always
there when I need you.
Joanie.
Joanie, I'm sorry.
I love you.
Talk is cheap, Byron.
Let's have a little action.
(romantic music)
Janet
Whatever happened
this morning, I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
I know this is a cruise ship,
and life isn't real here, but...
I thought...
I hoped you were feeling
the same things for me
that I've been feeling for you.
I have been, Henry.
That's the whole trouble.
You know, people say,
just name me one
happy married couple.
Well, Dick and I
were that couple.
He was so thoughtful and kind,
good and the roses he sent me
showed me how much he loved me.
And he's still saying it.
Wouldn't you think that
would be enough for me.
He's still saying it.
Only he's dead.
And I'm alive.
Janet, listen.
I sent them.
What?
After your husband died,
I sent the roses.
At first, I did it
out of compassion
because I knew how
much he meant to you.
I wanted to help you
through your sorrow.
Then I realized
I was sending them for myself.
I couldn't stand the thought
of not seeing you every day
even if it was
just to say hello.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I wish I could take
the roses back.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
(somber music)
(knocking on door)
JULIE: Gopher, we
know you're in there!
May we come in?
Okay, we're in. Gopher,
we have to talk to you.
Yeah, you can't hide
in here forever, man.
Sorry, gang. The show is
over. You can all go home.
Hey, is that any way
to talk to the people
who made you a celebrity?
Yeah, celebrity laughing stock.
Gopher, that's not true.
We're the only ones who know
that you weren't trying
to be funny last night.
Everybody else thought
you were wonderfully witty.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And we still need
somebody to perform tonight.
Oh no. Uh-uh. No, no.
If I tried that again,
I'd really make a
fool out of myself.
Forget it. No way.
Gopher, just sing.
Forget the act and just sing
Danny Boy like we heard it.
- You'|| be great.
- No!
From now on, I sing
where I'm comfortable.
In the shower.
♪ Oh, come ye back when
Summer's in the meadow ♪
♪ Or when the valleys
Hushed and white with snow ♪
♪ I'll be here in
sunshine or in shadow ♪
♪ Oh, Danny Boy, oh, Danny Boy ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
(applause)
(music)
I'll go get us some drinks.
Don't be long.
Well, what's with you two?
You look like Romeo and Juliet.
Oh, Olivia. I'm having my
first shipboard romance.
Oh, I get it, and you're trying
to throw Byron off the track.
Nice going.
Who's the lucky guy?
No.
I'm the lucky one.
I'm having an affair
with my husband.
Byron?
Well, they say truth
is stranger than fiction.
Olivia, I love him.
Do you love your husband?
- Well, sure, but...
- No more excuses.
You can't solve your problems
by playing Susie Swinger
one weekend out of the year.
Wouldn't you rather
be swinging with Ted?
I guess so, but Ted
would never go for this.
How do you know?
Have you ever asked him?
No.
Well, I asked Byron.
And he gave me exactly
the answer that we needed.
Here we are.
Well, where's my drink?
Oh, I'm sorry,
Olivia. I thought...
I know what you thought.
But you're going to be
stuck with the two of us
for the duration of this cruise.
I know. You two are plotting to
throw me into the closet again.
We might.
Well, this time I'm taking
you both in there with me.
Oh.
All right.
(lounge music)
I thought it was time I brought
you some flowers for a change,
and change is the key word.
Daffodils.
Best regards.
Well, it's a start.
That was all they
had on the ship.
Oh, and...
Three dollars?
I was hoping
they'd play a waltz.
(theme music)
(theme music)
Well, Mrs. Horner I hope
you had your usual good time.
Much better than
usual this year.
Must have been the food.
And what do yellow
roses stand for?
A decrease in love.
No yellow roses for me.
The pink ones?
I don't know.
Well then you
just better find out.
A florist's wife should
know those things.
- Here you go.
- Oh, Julie.
You didn't have to do this.
Well, I wanted to thank you.
You really got me
out of a tight spot
by filling in for that singer.
Well... Hey, save the paper.
Is it somebody's birthday?
No, I just wanted to help
boost Gopher's singing career.
Oh.
I love it!
What is it?
It's a rubber tuxedo for
when you and your shower
open in Las Vegas.
Thank you. Thank you.
(upbeat theme music)
(theme music)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪
(theme music playing)
Isaac!
Mrs. Binkley!
Hey, how you doing?
Fine. How are you?
So you're trying us again, huh?
Things are looking up.
I thought I heard
a familiar voice.
Familiar and loud, right?
Will your sister be
back this year, too?
The dynamic duo lives.
Do we have our same state room?
First cabin, Promenade deck.
Just follow the martini glasses.
Uh, yes and no.
Well, that's pretty definite.
Didn't your sister tell you?
Tell me what?
Olivia!
You old bag of doorknobs.
Ah, Sis! How are you!
Okay. Enough small
talk. Let's raise hell.
Things are going to be
a little different this year.
Why? I'm still
young and desirable.
Well, um, because
Byron's coming with us.
You brought your husband?
Well, yes. But,
we'll still have fun.
Sure. We'll lock
him in the closet.
What's so funny?
Nothing, darling.
I can't believe it.
Those two married
women were raising hell
on this ship for six years.
Now one brings her husband.
Well, I guess that means
only half the men on board
are going to have a good time.
(music)
Hello.
Welcome aboard. I'm Gopher
Smith, the assistant purser.
Hello. I'm Janet Latham.
- Ah...
- Oh, Mrs. Latham.
There's a gentleman
looking for you.
- Right.
- For me? Here?
Are you sure?
Yes, ma'am.
He's waiting for
you in the lobby.
This is quite a mystery.
I'll show you.
Oh, that's the gentleman there.
That's my florist.
Oh, that's too bad.
Mrs. Latham.
Mr. Dobson.
Just because you're on vacation,
I didn't want you to
miss out on your roses.
Oh, thank you.
Goodness, you mean to
tell me you came all the way
from San Francisco
just to deliver this?
Oh, no. No, no.
I'm sailing too.
Oh.
Well, that's very nice.
Perhaps we'll run
into each other.
Perhaps, yes.
Well, what a small world.
(music)
Hi.
Thank you.
(music)
Hello.
Oh.
Oh, that figures.
If it's not one
thing, it's another.
What's the problem?
Mumps.
Nothing personal, but will
you mind standing down wind.
I've never had the mumps.
No. Not me. Danny Denzlo.
Danny Denzlo has the mumps?
That's terrible.
That's awful.
Who's Danny Denzlo?
He's the singer I
booked for this cruise.
Oh, now his manager says he
has the mumps, and he can't sing.
Can he hum?
Doc, we're sailing in 15
minutes without a singer.
What am I going
to tell the Captain?
Tell him to learn
"Melancholy Baby" quick.
You know what I love about you?
Not much.
She used to be
such a pleasant girl.
(ships horn blowing)
(passengers cheering)
(music)
Come on, Isaac. Think.
I have to find
some entertainment
for the Acapulco Lounge.
I need to find somebody
to replace that sick singer.
4 got it!
- What?
(singing) ♪ Give my
regards to Broadway ♪
Next!
Well, then, Promenade 343.
That should be you right here.
I'll open it up for you.
Here we are.
Your home away from home.
- Thank you, Gopher.
- Uh, huh.
I, uh, I suppose I
seem like a dunce,
but I've never
traveled alone before.
Oh, well.
You won't be alone for long if
you get out and mix and mingle.
Is that as dreadful
as it sounds?
No.
Besides, it looks to me as if
you already have an admirer.
- Henry Dobson?
- Uh, huh.
Oh, no. He just delivers
me a rose every day.
(music)
Oh, my husband was
a very romantic man.
Every day of our marriage, he
sent a single white rose to me.
And even though he's been
gone now for three years,
the roses keep coming.
Wow.
That's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.
Yes, beautiful.
Well, here you go.
And your key.
- Thanks again, Gopher.
- You're welcome. Bye bye.
Bye bye.
(romantic music)
Gee, I wonder what Julie's
going to do about a singer.
I don't know, but if
she doesn't find one,
she'll have to do
her sewing by hand.
Singer?
Sewing? You get it?
Unfortunately.
Mr. Smith, your
cleaning's ready.
(singing) ♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, The
pipes are calling ♪
♪ So come ye back when
Summer's in the meadow ♪
♪ Or when the valley's
hushed And white with snow ♪
♪ I'll be here in spring
time or in shadow ♪
(theme music)
Honey, I m going to go
across the hall and see Livy.
Let's meet later.
How much later?
I don't know. Go find
something to amuse yourself.
Like what?
Byron, I see my
sister once a year.
I only have one
chance to gossip, giggle
and get caught up.
What's to get caught up on?
You write to each
other every week.
We're off and running.
I don't want to say it's boring
over there, but I've unpacked,
finished my magazines,
read the ship's log
and was about to
start on the Bible.
Come in.
I am in.
I used to live here
in the good old days.
Oh, yes. I've heard
about the good old days,
and I think it's high time
somebody kept an eye on you two.
You were right. Let's
lock him in the closet.
Do it.
BYRON: Hey!
(music) BYRON: Hey come on.
(knocking on door)
We're going to go find
some action, Byron.
Call us if you need anything.
BYRON: Joan, you
come back here right now!
Oh, I guess we've
got to let him out.
Why?
Well, I think we
should just let him out.
He doesn't love this
stuff the way we do.
BYRON: Come back here right now!
Oh, I guess so. They
don't call Byron wet blanket
because he sleeps in the rain.
(Gopher singing) ♪ I'll be
here In sunshine or in shadow ♪
♪ Oh, Danny Boy, Oh Danny Boy ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
(cheering)
Gee guys. If I knew
you were coming,
I would have saved
some hot water.
Gopher, you're fantastic!
Ah, thank you.
Well, you know I work out and
avoid between meal treats so...
How'd you like to sing
for the passengers?
Oh, come on, I'm
not a performer.
Oh, you could have fooled us.
(singing) ♪ Oh Danny Boy ♪
I sing in the shower.
You sang for the crew show.
Yeah, but that was different.
There I was hamming
it up with my dad.
I couldn't get up in front
of an audience... alone.
Julie's singer is sick.
Now somebody has got to go on!
Well, get yourself
another somebody
because I am not going to
make a fool out of myself.
Oh, Gopher.
Hey.
Tell her you don't argue
with a man in a wet towel.
He's right.
He might decide
to snap it at you.
Now, if you'll please excuse me.
If you will please excuse me.
Please, excuse me.
An interesting performance
with fine music and lyrics.
The costuming, however,
left much to be desired.
Out!
(music)
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, here's one
you might remember.
(singing) ♪ Oh, Danny... ♪
(music)
I'll be right back.
(theme music)
Thank you.
(lounge music playing)
Would you care for a glass
of sherry, Mrs. Latham?
No thank you, Mr. Dobson.
I don't like sherry.
Oh.
They told me to mix and mingle.
They told me the same thing.
Won't you sit down.
(Dobson clears throat)
I'm disturbing you.
Not at all.
It's nice to see
a familiar face.
Well, how long have
we known each other?
Six, seven, eight years?
Eleven,
but who's counting.
But I guess you couldn't
really say we know each other.
No, that's too bad.
It's a shame, isn't it?
We get so caught
up in our big city lives.
I guess it's just a matter
of getting past "hello".
That's right.
Well...
hello, Henry.
Hello.
Now what?
Will you have dinner
with me, Mrs. Latham?
I'd love to have
dinner with you.
Oh. Oh, good.
And it's Janet.
Janet
Now what?
(sentimental music)
(theme music)
Well, how are my two
favorite passengers doing?
No complaints.
Not that many
compliments either.
Allow me.
You look ravishing.
I'd rather look ravished.
Were the drinks okay?
Oh, another round, Isaac.
Oh, certainly.
Joan, I don't need
another round.
Wrong.
There's a sad situation.
A handsome man sitting
in the corner, all alone.
What's sad about that?
The fact that I'm sitting here.
Bye.
What's she doing?
She's a married woman.
Oh, she's just flirting.
I just don't understand
women these days.
Women are no different than men.
They like to let it all hang
out once in a while too.
Three pina coladas.
Uno, uno, uno.
Olivia's gone.
Byron doesn't want his.
So it looks like
I'm all on my own.
There must be some way
to get Gopher to sing tonight.
Well, sure. You could
put a gun to his head,
hold his parents hostage.
Hide his skate key.
Why do I listen to them?
Why don't I learn?
Julie, if he doesn't want
to sing, you can't make him.
I know.
Look...
I'd love to go on
chatting with you,
but I'm about to have
a previous engagement.
I wonder if she can sing.
I don't think that's what
Doc's going to ask her.
You know, the one
way to get somebody
to do something
they don't want to do
is to convince them that
what they don't want to do
is really something
they want to do.
When I get finished,
Gopher will want to.
Run that by me again.
(theme music)
McCoy!
McCoy!
Yes. Is there
something you wanted?
Julie. Look, I clearly stated
that under no circumstances...
Oh, wow!
Wow!
This is you, isn't it?
Well, yeah, it's me.
You're singing here tonight?
Well, actually I'm just...
Oh, I just love singers.
They make me feel so... sexy.
Oh, really?
Oh yeah.
I just can't seem to control
myself when a man sings to me.
Oh, really?
- Smith.
- What?
Did you want to say
something to me?
Yes, Julie, um...
That is, uh...
I got to go rehearse
with the band.
Thank you.
Anytime. Listen, I got to run.
I got to go out to
dinner with my husband.
I didn't know you were married.
Yeah, to an accountant.
Accountants make
me feel so sexy.
(theme music)
(lounge music playing)
This has the color
of a night rose.
You know so much about flowers.
And absolutely
nothing about wine.
Hmm. Tastes terrific, though.
What a wonderful
business you're in.
You make so many people happy.
I'm a lot like you.
Oh?
You make them happy
just to look at you.
And now, I'm the
color of a night rose.
(lounge music)
Where's the watch dog?
At el buffet.
Livvy, I'm really sorry if
he's cramping your style.
Nobody's cramping my style.
I'm just sorry you're
stuck with him.
Byron's not so bad if
he'd just let himself go.
If my husband would let
himself go, I'd help him pack.
Things still lousy at home?
Well, let's put it
this way. Uh-huh.
But, look, let's not
spend the whole evening
crying in our beer.
I came here to live,
love, laugh and be happy
or words to that effect.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See ya.
Hey, guys.
I can't get any of the musicians
to tell me what
Gopher's going to sing.
Every time I ask, they just
look at me and start laughing.
Well, that's not
very encouraging.
What are we worried about, huh?
I mean, we've heard
him sing. He's great.
Nothing to worry about.
CAPTAIN: Julie.
Yes, sir.
I notice that you've
substituted Gopher
for the scheduled entertainment.
I only hope that the
passengers concur
with your artistic judgment.
Now I'm worried. You worried?
- Nah.
- Nah.
Really?
Well, sure.
It wasn't our idea.
What can you do? It's
too late to cancel him.
Man, if he goes up and bombs
after you conned him into it...
He's not going to bomb.
But just the same,
what do you say we
give him a little insurance.
I don't think we have any
applause machines on board.
No, but we do know a lot
of the passengers on board.
Maybe we could tell them
that Gopher's our friend.
And plead for mercy.
No. And ask for them
to encourage him.
What do you say, Doc?
Well, if you think it'll help.
I'll make sure that
everybody gets plenty to drink.
They may not even see him.
(lounge music)
Oh, that was a great dinner.
Hmm?
The dinner. It was great.
You know, I never cared
for Olivia's husband much,
but I sure feel
sorry for him now.
Are we going to waste
a beautiful evening
worrying about Ted?
I am.
Oh, come on, honey.
Have a margarita.
And besides, it's
none of our business.
A toast...
to Joan and Byron.
May they live a thousand years.
She kissed him.
May Joan live a thousand
years when Byron dropped dead.
I don't see how you can
condone that kind of behavior.
Come on, honey.
Stop worrying about Olivia
and concentrate on me.
After all, I am the
more attractive,
younger sexier sister.
Yeah, and you're mine, all mine.
Hey, Joan.
Remember me?
Roger, last year, Senor Frogs.
The conga line.
(singing Ba, da, da, da, da, da.
We got to do that
again sometime.
My wife said she never had
so much fun in her whole life.
(theme music)
Well, I talked to a few people,
and I think we can
safely rule out sniper fire.
Well, let's not get
carried away, huh?
I mean, Gopher's just
going to sing a simple song.
It's no big deal.
(music fanfare)
Oh my.
(music)
(clapping)
I don t believe it.
Madame Frankenstein
meet your monster.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
And good evening.
Or should I say buenos noches.
Okay. I want to
dedicate this first one
to all you guys and
you gals that are in love
because I think you'll
find this song tells it all.
♪ Oh, you know
that The shark has ♪
You know it?
♪ Such sharp teeth ♪
♪ And he shows
Them pearly whites ♪
I guess he uses
dental floss right girls?
Yes, yes, yes.
♪ Has old MacHeath, there ♪
Where are you from originally?
♪ And he keeps it Out
of view, out of sight ♪
♪ Whoops, hey,
When that shark bites ♪
♪ With those teeth, dear ♪
♪ Scarlet billows
Start to spread ♪
Yeah.
♪ Fancy gloves though,
Wears old MacHeath, babe ♪
♪ So there's nevah,
Nevah a trace of crimson ♪
♪ Or scarlet or red ♪
Yeah!
♪ On the sidewalk
On Sunday morning ♪
♪ There's a body Oozing life ♪
♪ Someone sneaking,
Sneaking around that corner ♪
♪ Whoops. Could that
someone be Mack the Knife? ♪
Everybody!
♪ Sukey Tawdry or Jenny Diver ♪
Captain Stubing,
ladies and gentlemen.
♪ And old Lucy Brown ♪
mm, the “he forms
On the right, babe ♪
♪ Now that Mackies ♪
♪ Ha, ho:
♪ Mackies, ha, ho ♪
♪ Mackie is back in this town ♪
(applause and cheering)
How many people did
you talk to about Gopher?
Not that many.
They like him.
What did you
put in their drinks?
That was a great show,
Julie. Congratulations.
Oh, thank you, sir.
You know for a while there,
I didn't even realize
he was putting us on.
Excuse me.
He thinks Gopher was kidding.
Apparently everybody does.
Maybe he was putting us on.
I don't want to ask him.
Do you want to ask him?
- Not me.
- Not me.
I don't want to ask him.
Yes, well, listen,
a guy, a guy has to do
what he has to do, you know?
I appreciate it. I really do.
Mr. Smith, you were
wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
- Well, you're very kind.
- Very impressive work, my boy.
- Very impressive work.
- Thank you. I'll try it.
- Wasn't he good? Wasn't he good?
- Thank you. Thank you.
(theme music)
(lounge music)
(applause)
(dance music)
We... we dance well together.
Well, you dance
well with anybody.
It's like you
invented the waltz.
Oh, I did.
Whoever dances the waltz
must pay me three
dollars in royalties,
which is why I'm a very rich
man today and why I own the ship.
I see. Oh, boy.
I'm very comfortable with you,
and I wasn't sure I would be.
Why?
Am I so forbidding?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I, uh, I was just afraid.
I've never taken a
risk in my whole life.
Neither have I.
Change is so frightening.
So is staying in one place.
(romantic music)
Well, I guess I owe
you three dollars.
You what?
I danced one of your waltzes.
Oh.
Yes, yes.
Will you take a check?
You have any identification?
(romantic music)
I can't believe it.
Gopher's the new
romantic heartthrob
because of his singing,
and we thought it was
going to be heartburn.
Talking about romance, Gopher
just told me about Mrs. Latham.
Her husband gave
her a single white rose
every day they were married.
He died three years ago,
but he made arrangements
for the roses to keep coming.
I had the same kind of
arrangement with my ex-wives.
I send them alimony
checks every day.
It really makes me feel good
to know that if I wasn't here
you'd be off in some
conga line with Roger.
How many times do I have
to tell you Roger's married?
Well, so are you, but it
doesn't seem to slow you down.
Roger, his wife and I had fun.
Remember when
we used to have fun?
Oh, probably not.
It's been such a long time.
I suppose your sister
is having fun too?
Well, that's exactly
what she's having.
She's a very outgoing
person, and she likes people.
Especially men.
Especially men, but it doesn't
mean she sleeps with them!
You needn't shout.
It's awfully hard to yell
at you without shouting.
Boy, this is some cruise.
You can say that again.
I can't say that again.
I'm not speaking to you.
Well...
good night.
Humpf. I certainly
wish it had been.
(sad music)
(theme music)
Oh, good breakfast.
I am stuffed.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, maybe we shouldn't go
swimming. We'll probably sink.
Isn't Roger's wife nice?
Yes, she is.
And so is Roger.
And I'm sorry about last night.
I even take back
everything I said about Olivia.
Isn't that...?
Boy, you must think
I'm some pushover.
What?
Well, if this is the way
you and your sister behave
when you're away from home.
What Olivia's done has
nothing to do with me.
Oh, sure, sure. I know.
You, Roger and his wife
were dancing the conga,
and who else was in that line?
And that was only one night.
And what about all those
other cruises you were on?
(Livvy singing to herself)
Joanie, wait until
I tell you what...
Honey, what's the matter?
Why are you crying?
(sad music)
Byron saw someone coming
out of your cabin just now,
and he thinks... he thinks
all these cruises I'm...
Guilty by association?
Honey, I'm really sorry.
It's not your fault.
Why did I let him come anyway?
You know, I thought
that maybe he'd be...
maybe he'd be different.
Maybe... Oh, what's the use?
Joanie, let's face it.
Byron is Byron.
Come on, honey. Fix your face.
By my count, you've got
five cruises to make up for.
Come on.
(theme music)
Have you guys seen Gopher?
He's meeting his public.
Hey, hey. Saw you last night.
Love you. Thanks for coming in.
All right. Okay. Hey.
I guess he knew what
he was doing last night.
You know, I guess a guy
can sing his brains out,
but if there's nobody
there to listen to him,
you're all by yourself,
you know? Hey.
Thanks.
Glad you enjoyed it.
Dedicate one just
for you tonight, okay?
There he is, ladies
and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thank you.
Boy, it really went great
last night, don't you think?
Oh, yeah.
Everybody thought
you were terrific.
Yeah, I know.
I was actually afraid I
was going to get up there
and look stupid last night,
but even made some mistakes
in the beginning
and nobody noticed.
No.
Oh, Julie, by the way,
I'll be talking to you later
about getting some
backup singers.
I think I might really jazz
up the act, you know?
Oh, hi. Hey, listen, saw
you in the audience last night.
Did you enjoy it?
I'll sign that cocktail
napkin for you now.
No, no problem. Here.
Got a pen right here.
Okay.
Young people are beautiful.
Maybe we ought to tell him.
(Julies and Isaac
clear their throats)
On second thought,
why ruin his day?
(theme music)
There's a language for flowers?
I never heard of that.
Oh, sure.
A daisy is for innocence.
A deep red carnation
means "alas my poor heart".
Did you invent this, too?
Am I going to owe you
another three dollars?
A daffodil means "best regards".
A striped carnation
means "I refuse your love."
Do me a favor and don't send
me any striped carnations, okay?
White rose stands for pure love
or "am I worthy of you?"
(romantic music)
Which reminds me,
you didn't get your rose today.
Is something wrong?
Henry, I...
Excuse me.
(soft music)
(theme music)
- Oh, Julie.
- Yeah.
- I want to talk to you.
- Hmm?
I think maybe we
should change this poster.
I want to lose that
Gopher. It's too undignified.
Have you ever heard
of a star named Gopher?
I think maybe just the
song stylings of Burl Smith,
the man and his music.
I think you should bill yourself
as comedian Burl Smith.
Or maybe parodist Burl Smith.
That is what you call someone
who's doing a
take-off, isn't it?
A parodist?
Uh...
Well, anyway, Gopher,
whatever you put on that sign,
you've got the
passengers in stitches.
Keep up the good work.
(somber music)
Well, at least I gave
you all a good laugh.
(somber music continues)
(theme music)
Good afternoon, Mr. Homer.
Captain.
You have some special
wife and sister-in-law there.
We look forward to
seeing them every year.
And you must be
pretty special yourself,
giving your wife all
the freedom you do.
Well, you know, I was
pretty busy the last few years.
You know, some
men are so possessive
they squelch the joy
right out of their marriages.
Pretty soon, they uh, well,
they've lost the one thing
they're trying so
hard to hold onto.
I've seen a lot of couples.
Very few enlightened husbands.
(retrospective music)
(Joan and Olivia laughing)
Joan.
May I speak with you a minute?
Excuse me.
Well, you've had your
minute. Now speak.
I'm trying to find
the right words.
It isn't easy.
Well, maybe I can help
you. It's Olivia, right?
You think because she
spent the night with a man
that it runs in the family.
Well, Byron, let me tell you,
Olivia acts the way
she does on these trips
because Ted doesn't
give her a chance at home.
She's miserable, but she
keeps it all locked up inside.
I don't give a
damn about Olivia.
It's you I care about,
and if I didn't, I wouldn't
feel so jealous all the time.
I'm telling you, Joan, it
drives me just about nuts
every time you go on
one of these cruises.
I imagine all sorts of things.
I just can't help myself.
Are you asking me whether I've
done what Olivia's been doing?
I have to be perfectly
honest with you.
The answer's no.
Honestly, never.
Oh, and there were
plenty of opportunities.
It could have been
dangerous, exciting and fun.
The fact is, I've been waiting
to have an affair with you.
With me?
You're all the
lover I need, Byron.
Only you're not always
there when I need you.
Joanie.
Joanie, I'm sorry.
I love you.
Talk is cheap, Byron.
Let's have a little action.
(romantic music)
Janet
Whatever happened
this morning, I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
I know this is a cruise ship,
and life isn't real here, but...
I thought...
I hoped you were feeling
the same things for me
that I've been feeling for you.
I have been, Henry.
That's the whole trouble.
You know, people say,
just name me one
happy married couple.
Well, Dick and I
were that couple.
He was so thoughtful and kind,
good and the roses he sent me
showed me how much he loved me.
And he's still saying it.
Wouldn't you think that
would be enough for me.
He's still saying it.
Only he's dead.
And I'm alive.
Janet, listen.
I sent them.
What?
After your husband died,
I sent the roses.
At first, I did it
out of compassion
because I knew how
much he meant to you.
I wanted to help you
through your sorrow.
Then I realized
I was sending them for myself.
I couldn't stand the thought
of not seeing you every day
even if it was
just to say hello.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I wish I could take
the roses back.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
(somber music)
(knocking on door)
JULIE: Gopher, we
know you're in there!
May we come in?
Okay, we're in. Gopher,
we have to talk to you.
Yeah, you can't hide
in here forever, man.
Sorry, gang. The show is
over. You can all go home.
Hey, is that any way
to talk to the people
who made you a celebrity?
Yeah, celebrity laughing stock.
Gopher, that's not true.
We're the only ones who know
that you weren't trying
to be funny last night.
Everybody else thought
you were wonderfully witty.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And we still need
somebody to perform tonight.
Oh no. Uh-uh. No, no.
If I tried that again,
I'd really make a
fool out of myself.
Forget it. No way.
Gopher, just sing.
Forget the act and just sing
Danny Boy like we heard it.
- You'|| be great.
- No!
From now on, I sing
where I'm comfortable.
In the shower.
♪ Oh, come ye back when
Summer's in the meadow ♪
♪ Or when the valleys
Hushed and white with snow ♪
♪ I'll be here in
sunshine or in shadow ♪
♪ Oh, Danny Boy, oh, Danny Boy ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
(applause)
(music)
I'll go get us some drinks.
Don't be long.
Well, what's with you two?
You look like Romeo and Juliet.
Oh, Olivia. I'm having my
first shipboard romance.
Oh, I get it, and you're trying
to throw Byron off the track.
Nice going.
Who's the lucky guy?
No.
I'm the lucky one.
I'm having an affair
with my husband.
Byron?
Well, they say truth
is stranger than fiction.
Olivia, I love him.
Do you love your husband?
- Well, sure, but...
- No more excuses.
You can't solve your problems
by playing Susie Swinger
one weekend out of the year.
Wouldn't you rather
be swinging with Ted?
I guess so, but Ted
would never go for this.
How do you know?
Have you ever asked him?
No.
Well, I asked Byron.
And he gave me exactly
the answer that we needed.
Here we are.
Well, where's my drink?
Oh, I'm sorry,
Olivia. I thought...
I know what you thought.
But you're going to be
stuck with the two of us
for the duration of this cruise.
I know. You two are plotting to
throw me into the closet again.
We might.
Well, this time I'm taking
you both in there with me.
Oh.
All right.
(lounge music)
I thought it was time I brought
you some flowers for a change,
and change is the key word.
Daffodils.
Best regards.
Well, it's a start.
That was all they
had on the ship.
Oh, and...
Three dollars?
I was hoping
they'd play a waltz.
(theme music)
(theme music)
Well, Mrs. Horner I hope
you had your usual good time.
Much better than
usual this year.
Must have been the food.
And what do yellow
roses stand for?
A decrease in love.
No yellow roses for me.
The pink ones?
I don't know.
Well then you
just better find out.
A florist's wife should
know those things.
- Here you go.
- Oh, Julie.
You didn't have to do this.
Well, I wanted to thank you.
You really got me
out of a tight spot
by filling in for that singer.
Well... Hey, save the paper.
Is it somebody's birthday?
No, I just wanted to help
boost Gopher's singing career.
Oh.
I love it!
What is it?
It's a rubber tuxedo for
when you and your shower
open in Las Vegas.
Thank you. Thank you.
(upbeat theme music)
(theme music)