The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Scoop/The Audit Couple/My Boyfriend's Back - full transcript
Uptight IRS agent Viola Penny audits Stubing, who tries to get her to loosen up. A tabloid reporter trails a female celebrity because he thinks she's meeting a secret lover. A honeymooner discovers her ex is on the ship and wants her back.
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
- Hey, Gopher.
- Hmm?
Do you have any idea why
the captain's been hold up
in his cabin all day?
IRS.
You are what?
Internal Revenue Service.
Captain is being audited.
(whistle)
You mean they're coming here?
Yeah.
Well, they realize
how difficult it is for him
to get to their office
so they're making
special arrangements
to come on the ship.
How is he taking it?
Have you seen him?
Is he here yet?
Eh, how do I look?
Too flashy.
Maybe I should change
into an older uniform.
I'd say he's
taking it pretty well.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Lighten up, will ya?
This ain't the worst assignment
in the world, you know.
No, but it's close.
Do you believe him?
We get a free cruise
to dig up a story
on the sexiest
lady in television,
and you look like a
winner on Make Me Laugh.
Look, all you have
to do is snap pictures.
I'm the guy who
has to dig up dirt.
Well, that's what the readers
of Star Life Magazine want,
isn't it?
I mean, the dirtier
the dirt, the better.
Does that bother you
that Jackie Lenders
seems to be a
pretty decent person?
According to our tip,
she's traveling incognito
with a mysterious male.
Does that sound decent to you?
Well, let's get on with it.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello.
Is that who I think it is?
(theme music playing)
Well, hi.
I'm Adam Bricker, ship's doctor,
cabin pointer outer
and all around nice guy.
Well, uh, I'm, uh...
Oh yes. You certain“;
are, Ms. Lenders.
Uh, no. The name's Harris.
I'd really appreciate it.
You've got it, Ms. Harris.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Uh, I'm in Promenade 110.
That's this way, isn't it?
Uh, that companion
way will get you there
just as quickly and
a lot more privately.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Well, you have
certainly proven yourself
to be an all-around nice guy,
and a good cabin pointer outer.
Hopefully, I won't
need a doctor.
Where's the flu season
now that I really need it?
Hey... That's her.
No one else fills my
21-inch screen that way.
Where's the mystery man?
You're the big
reporter. You find him.
(theme music playing)
As a cruise director, I
would imagine you have
a certain amount of mingling
to do with the passengers.
Well, there's mingling
and there's mingling.
Is that a yes?
That's not even a maybe. Sorry.
- How cute.
- Oh.
(lounge music playing)
Well, happy
honeymoon, Mrs. Lucas.
Same to you, Mr. Lucas.
Oh, you could call me Dan.
Now do you know
we've been married
exactly three hours?
Oh, and they said
it wouldn't last.
(lounge music playing)
(lounge music continues)
Uh, Trish, let's find our cabin.
It's probably up these stairs.
No it's not. We're on this deck.
Oh, it's, uh, Jay.
Where?
I'm Jay Cavanaugh.
Oh, Mr. Cavanaugh.
Let's see...
Oh, you're on the
promenade deck, cabin 227.
And don't you forget it.
Yeah. That's him all right.
Hon,
I promise he doesn't mean
anything to me anymore.
As far as I'm
concerned, he's dead.
He looks pretty healthy to me.
How come ex-boyfriends are
never dwarfs or hunchbacks?
Let's go find the cabin.
It's probably up these stairs.
Good idea.
(lounge music playing)
(lounge music continues)
Well, how about that?
It's Trish and what's his name.
Friends?
Oh, one of them used to be
hopelessly in love with me.
I have a feeling it
wasn't what's his name.
Why are we talking
about old loves
when we could be
planning new ones?
You're right. I'd
better get started.
(slow music playing)
(slow music continues)
Darling, I'm here.
(theme music playing)
Oh, ma'am. Here, wait, no, no.
Look, let me.
Penny.
Uh, nickel.
Iola Penny, IRS.
Oh! How do you do?
With the IRS, the
question is how do you do
and how much do you owe us?
How much do you need?
Captain Stubing, sir.
Yes?
Sir, this is, uh, Viola Penny.
She's the taxman.
Uh, how do you do?
Don't ask.
Let's get on with
the audit, Captain.
Oh, I'd love to help
you, Ms. Penny,
but uh, unfortunately,
we're just about to sail.
No problem. I have a ticket.
We'll have lots of time.
That's swell.
This is her luggage.
Thank you.
Swell.
(horn blowing)
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
(theme music continues)
(theme music continues)
Oh, sir. How goes the audit?
Well, at this very moment,
that woman is in my cabin
rummaging through every
detail of my personal life.
Oh, relax, sir. You haven't
done anything wrong.
Your books are an
open book, so to speak.
Then why do I feel so guilty?
Well, that happens
to everyone, sir.
It's like when you're
writing a check
and you don't have any ID.
Yeah, or when the sales girl
counts the dresses you
bring out of the dressing room.
Yeah, like when you
go through Customs
with undeclared
salami in your luggage.
- Salami in your luggage?
- Yeah.
You feel guilty, but
at the same time
there's a feeling of
elation, of recklessness.
Not to mention
the aroma of garlic.
This may sound silly,
but I can't help but feel that
Ms. Penny is out to get me.
Well, that's not silly, Captain.
That's paranoid.
Look, sir. She's
already finished.
You can put your fears to rest.
Then again, sir,
you're in a lot of trouble.
(theme music playing)
Meet me on the deck
in 15 minutes, honey.
Ah!
I just spotted two men outside.
I think they're reporters.
They'll find out everything!
(slow music playing)
We'll have two more of the same.
Hmm.
My point is, life is just
a series of challenges.
That's why my life is exciting.
I never back down
from a challenge.
- Really?
- Hmm.
In that case, then I challenge
you to leave me a big tip.
Hey, yeah, Wayne,
what do you want?
Another round for the
honeymooners, Isaac.
Ah!
They're married?
Yeah. Since this morning.
Now, marriage.
That's my idea of a challenge.
Mine, too.
Excuse me.
Trish, baby.
Long time no see.
How you doing, Lenny?
Danny.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, congratulations
on tying the knot.
Thank you.
Got some great
little gal here, Lenny.
Believe me, I know.
You know...
Luigi asked about
you all the time.
Who's Luigi?
It's funny after all this time
he still expects us to show
up every Thursday night.
Really?
Who's Luigi?
We had some great
times. Didn't we, Bunny?
Bunny?
Boy... Seeing you is the best.
I missed you.
Who's Luigi?
How come he called you Bunny?
Luigi's a waiter that we
knew, and he calls me Bunny
because he said
I was like a rabbit.
I like carrots.
How can you even
talk to a guy like that
after what he did to you?
He's not even
worth being rude to.
Besides, it was a long time ago.
Ah, and I was there
to pick up the pieces
when he dumped you, remember?
I know.
You said yourself you were
just another notch on his gun.
I know.
But are you ready for his line?
Seeing you is the best.
- Hmm.
- I've missed you.
- (startled)
- Oh.
I think the coast is clear.
It's only you.
Well, you sure know
how to hurt a guy.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean
that the way it sounded.
It's just that there's
a reporter on board,
snooping around, trying to
dig up some gossip on me.
Something sensational.
You mean like a love affair?
Uh-huh. But there isn't any.
Well, I'd be happy to give
him something to write about.
Hmm?
Well, maybe some other time.
It's me.
Ah.
Come and give me a big kiss.
Oh, hi honey!
Hi.
Listen, mommy's going
to change your clothes
and then you and I are
going to play a game, okay?
Okay.
Okay. See you in a minute.
Hi.
Um, you can't keep him a
secret forever, you know?
Maybe not, Claire,
but I can keep him away
from this particular reporter
on this particular cruise.
Look, we'll just continue to
leave the cabin separately
and make sure we're
not seen together.
- But this is something...
- Look, Claire.
You're a therapist.
You haven't had the kinds
of experiences I've had
with these cheap magazines.
It can ruin Billy's
chance for a normal life.
It can undo all the wonderful
work that you've done
with just one cover photo
and a caption reading
"TV Star's Retarded Son."
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
(theme music playing)
(soft Jazz music playing)
I'd like to propose a toast.
- With water?
- Sure.
And then we can order
wine and do it all over again.
Sounds great.
To you and me and
a lifetime of... wine.
Oh, Danny's, it's
Blanc de Blancs.
It's my favorite. Thank you.
Actually, the
gentleman over there
sent it with his compliments.
Who does he think he is?
He thinks he's Jay Cavanaugh.
Is he wrong?
I'll check on it and
get right back to you.
- Let's give this back.
- Oh.
I don't have to
put up with this.
Hon, why waste a perfectly
good bottle of wine?
Let's enjoy it.
To us.
And then he said,
"I shouldn't be here
on the couch with you."
I once audited a guy
who made $50,000
and only paid $29 in taxes.
Hey, I'd like to meet him.
But I don't know if
he's allowed visitors.
You'd have to check
with the warden.
We found $3000 in his doghouse.
Now he's in the big house
for unreported income.
There's a million
stories in the IRS.
How long have you
been with Uncle Sam?
About 12 years,
but only the last three
with the Internal Revenue.
Well, where were
you before that?
The FBI.
Well, back to the books.
Aren't you going to
finish your dessert?
Gopher, I work for the
people of this great nation,
and they are not paying me
to scarf down black forest cake.
They are paying me
to catch the cheaters
in the warp and
woof of our society.
Poor thing.
Don't you feel sorry for her?
- What?
- What?
She must be lonely.
I can see why.
Captain, she takes
her work this seriously
because she isn't
having any fun.
You know what?
You can remedy that.
Me?
Yes, sir. Well, you're
more her contemporary.
Julie's right.
Little, uh, Mexican moonlight.
Anything to take her
mind off your taxes.
That isn't what I
mean, and you know it.
Well, whatever you
mean, I am not in the mood
to go romancing
lonely bureaucrats.
Excuse me.
Well, look on the
bright side, sir.
At least you'll learn how
to make license plates.
(theme music playing)
Oh my!
More ice cream?
No. Not tonight.
You've already had all of
Claire's and half of mine.
I like ice cream.
It's... it's... it's delicious.
Darling, that's wonderful.
He's worked hard on that one.
Listen, young man.
Claire's going to take
you back up on deck
and show you the ocean again.
Won't that be fun?
Mommy come too.
No, honey.
Mommy can't come.
I'll tell you what.
Meet you back here
later and tuck you in.
I wish Mommy... come.
She's delicious.
Oh.
Oh, honey.
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
(applause)
Ooh.
I need something tall and cool.
How about you?
I just want a soft drink.
Great. I'll meet you
back at the table.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Hi.
They're playing our
song. Let's dance.
Oh, uh, no thanks.
I'm, uh, waiting here for Danny.
Okay.
We'll wait together
on the dance floor.
Uh, I don't think
that's a good idea.
Why not?
Just because.
Oh come on, Trish. I want
to get a least one dance
with the prettiest
girl in the room.
Jay, the answer is no.
Hey, it's only a dance.
What's the matter?
You afraid of me?
No, I'm not.
Good.
Then let's go.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
It's good to hold
you again, Bunny.
Don't call me that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You used to like
the name, Bunny.
You used to like
a lot of things.
Jay, I'm a married woman.
So?
So, I'm not interested in
anything you have to offer.
Hey... You can't fool me, Bunny.
I know you.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Hello, there.
Well, hi, Ms. Penny.
I'll be getting
back to the bridge.
So, have you parked
it in for the night?
No. Just taking a break.
Well, see ya.
Come on.
You know you came
down here to boogie.
Who'd want to boogie with me?
Lots of people I'm sure.
Bye.
I've got to get back too.
Oh, captain,
I'm going over your
charitable deductions.
Boy, you give a lot.
Uh, um, Ms. Penny...
Would you care to dance?
Captain, I'd love to.
(theme music playing)
My... oh sorry.
Uh, Ms. Landers, my name is...
I know who you are.
Uh, but I'll just take
a minute of your time.
No, you won't
take any of my time.
Look, why can't you
just leave me alone?
Because my readers don't
want me to leave you alone.
They love every inch of you.
They want to know what
kind of toothpaste you use,
what you eat for
breakfast, and most of all,
who's there in the
morning to eat it with you?
Look, Mr... Scott.
Okay, Scott.
If it's my love life
you're interested in,
I give you my word
there is nobody in it.
Honestly.
No one?
No one.
I don't believe it.
I mean, uh, you
know what I mean.
Oh.
Look, Scott,
um, you seem like
a pretty nice fellow
and I know that you're
only trying to do your job,
but I really need a rest.
Sure.
So I'll make you a deal.
You lay off for the
rest of this cruise,
and if ever I have a
legitimate romance,
you'll be the first
one to know about it.
Fair enough?
(soft music playing)
Fair enough.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
- Sure.
- Good night.
Good night.
Scott, my boy, you've
got a good heart.
You also have two feet
on the way to the
unemployment line.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Danny... It was only a dance.
It was one dance too many.
Look, I'll say it one more time.
Jay meant something
to me once and it's over.
I want to believe you.
Well, then do.
Ah...
What's wrong with me?
This is our honeymoon.
I was wondering when you
were going to remember that.
How can I be jealous
when I've got all the luck?
I mean, if Jay
wasn't such a moron,
you'd be marry to
him now instead of me.
Right?
Trish?
I'm sorry. I was just thinking.
Uh-huh.
I got a pretty good
idea about who.
Oh, Danny!
(sad music playing)
Damn!
(sad music playing)
(sad music playing)
He'll be fine. Nothing serious.
Give him these pills in case
he has any problems sleeping.
Claire, is something wrong?
Billy?
Nothing wrong. Just
a little tummy ache.
Ice cream bad?
Oh, sweetheart.
Ice cream isn't bad.
It's just that Billy's
had too much of it.
After a good night's sleep,
you'll be raring to
go in the morning.
Did you hear what
Dr. Bricker said?
Let Mommy tuck you in.
There you go.
Oh, honey.
Good night.
Good night, Mommy.
Hey, get some rest.
I'll be here.
Thank you.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
He's a good kid.
Yes, he is.
But that isn't all
you noticed, is it?
No. He's, uh, a little slow.
Oh, doctor. You don't
have to use euphemisms.
Billy's been
retarded since birth.
I've accepted that.
He seems to have made
some pretty good progress.
Uh-huh.
Thanks to Ms. Rice.
She's a wonderful therapist.
I think you'll have to take some
of the credit for that yourself.
There's never been a
substitute for love and faith.
Well, now you understand
why I've been
avoiding that reporter.
I'm not ashamed of Billy.
But I don't want Billy hurt.
You're some kind
of special lady.
Don't worry. He's not going
to hear anything from me.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Wait.
Thank you for everything.
JACKIE: Good night.
DOC: Good night.
(soft music playing)
Rest and relaxation.
What a sucker I am.
(soft music playing)
You know, you were right, Julie.
Viola's okay once
you get to know her.
Oh, so it's Viola now, is it?
So, where is she now?
Well, if Gopher doesn't
have her on the dance floor,
she's probably
downing another one
of Isaac's champagne cocktails.
Oh, Captain, I
think that's swell.
Ms. McCoy!
- Too gushy, huh?
- Uh-huh.
Sorry.
Hi, Merrill.
Viola.
You, uh, came
back to work after all.
No, I didn't come to work.
- I came to play.
- What?
You know, I've never
had a champagne cocktail
in my life before.
They make you feel all silly.
Uh, yeah.
Like you're going
to do something wild.
You could take advantage of me,
and there would be nothing
I could do to stop you.
Viola, I think we
better have a talk.
Uh... Now, what I'm going to say
may hurt my tax position,
but uh, I'm a very honest man
and I just have to say it.
Viola... you and
I... the two of us...
could never have a situation...
involving... se... SEX.
(snoring)
Viola.
Viola.
Viola!
Ah.
(soft music playing)
(theme music playing)
Danny.
Where have you been all night?
I had some thinking to do.
Honey.
You're blowing this thing
way out of proportion.
You're the man I married.
You're the man I want.
But nothing can change the fact
that Jay was one
step ahead of me.
He was the first.
Well, so?
I wanted better for you.
I wanted you to be the last.
I hear what you're
saying, Trish.
I just have a very
hard time feeling it.
Danny.
This is supposed to
be our honeymoon.
Yeah.
(theme music playing)
Captain, you don't look like
you got much sleep last night.
Taxes bothering you?
No. My back.
I slept on Doc's
examining table last night.
Well, that's one way to get
the first appointment of the day.
What seems to be
the problem, sir?
No problem.
Ms. Penny was
sleeping in my bed.
Ooh.
Please, wait. There was
a very simple explanation.
Sir, I wouldn't get involved
with anybody in the IRS.
I've heard they're
tougher on their friends.
There's absolutely nothing
between Ms. Penny and me.
Good morning,
everybody. Good morning.
Good morning.
Well, I guess we'd better go.
No, no, no, no. You...
You just stay right there.
You left early this morning.
Uh, I left last night.
Of course, Merrill.
Whatever you say.
Ooh.
Don't you two have
some place to go?
Uh, Ms. Penny, please.
Viola, you have to believe me.
Nothing happened last night.
I think it's cute of you to be
concerned about my reputation.
I thought chivalry was dead.
Uh, now look, uh,
when I took you
to bed last night...
Let me rephrase that.
Uh, um, it was obvious
that you were ready
for bed, so I just...
Uh, I'm not saying
this right, am I?
You have to believe
me. Nothing happened.
Yes, my darling.
Now, what shall we do today?
You want to show me your ship
and teach me about life at sea?
Or shall we just lounge
around in the tropical sun?
Now, look, uh,
don't you think you should be
spending your time on my audit?
Uh, I can't believe
I just said that.
Right.
We could go over
your records together.
Oh, that would be
conflict of interest.
It sure would.
Now, look. You've got my
keys. Help yourself to my records.
Uh, I have to go and make sure
that the computer knows
the way to New York.
I mean, Los Angeles.
Merrill,
next cruise we should
each have our own keys.
(lounge music playing)
Damn, he's cute.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Oh, it's funny.
Here it is a nice sunny
day, yet I get the snow job.
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
All that baloney about
you being here for rest.
I bought that too.
You're disgusting,
and so is that rag you work for.
It wasn't disgusting
when your publicity people
are wining and dining my editor
to get your face on the cover.
Or can't you remember when
your show wasn't number one?
Well, does it give you
the right to come snooping
into my private life
whenever and
wherever you feel like it?
When you accept the big
cars and the big dressing rooms
and the big bucks, you
give up your private life.
Now, come on. Who's the guy?
I saw him leaving
your cabin last night.
Forget it, Jackie.
They were bound
to find out anyway.
Hey, we were lucky to
keep it a secret this long.
You're right.
If it's out, it's out.
Well, that's more like it.
I'm going to go see
my photographer.
I'll be back in
about 30 minutes.
Don't make me chase
you around the ship.
Thank you, Doc.
Don't thank me.
This will do wonders
for my reputation.
(cheerful music playing)
(cheerful music continues)
Guess who?
The Shah of Iran.
What gave it away? My accent?
Oh, haven't you caused
enough trouble already?
Come on, Trish.
Admit it.
You married that guy
on the rebound from me.
Well, if I did, I sure
bounced in the right direction.
Unfortunately,
I'm having trouble
convincing Danny of that.
When are you
going to face the fact
that the vibes between
us are still there?
Don't fight the feeling.
- Jay!
- What?
You know I mean nothing to you.
Oh.
You're only hitting
on me to make a point!
Please, you got to back off.
My whole life is at stake.
I'm about to lose my husband.
What are you
doing? Well, don't cry.
All right. All right.
I'll fix everything.
You will?
Sure.
I'll take you to my cabin
and kiss all those
little tears away.
No, Jay! No! Let me down!
Oh no.
Jay! I'm having you arrested!
Oh, you are?
Yes! Then I'm going
to have you killed!
- Here, you're still ticklish.
- Stop it!
You are ticklish.
Oh.
Great.
That's it for me.
(sad music playing)
Well, baby.
Looks like it's you and me.
That may be what
it looks like to you.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Um-hmm.
How long have you and
Dr. Bricker been together?
Oh, uh, about eight months.
Isn't that about right, darling?
Yes.
Is there marriage in the future?
Uh, possibly,
but we want to make sure
we're completely compatible first.
Yes.
Um, we're doing
extensive testing.
- Something wrong?
- Oh, no.
Mommy! Mommy!
- Mommy!
- Oh, honey.
Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy?
There's our story.
Make him stop!
All right, Walt. That's enough.
Don't you get it?
This guy's just a front.
It's the kid she's
trying to hide.
Boys, give the lady a break.
I'm sorry. I guess
our decks got crossed.
I write my name.
I write my name... good.
Now you know.
I don't know what to say.
Here, honey.
There you go, baby.
Get that.
Claire, would you take
Billy back to his cabin?
(sad music playing)
(sad music continues)
Okay.
Now you've got
your scoop. Get lost.
I had no way of knowing.
Look, just remember
one thing, okay?
I'm not the victim
here. My son is.
And if you think he can't
be hurt, you're wrong.
He has feelings just
like everybody else.
I'd be very careful
about my next move.
(soft music playing)
Merrill, if the IRS
gave gold stars,
your books would get one.
I'll drink to that.
Now all we need is some hooch.
Aha.
(eerie music playing)
(eerie music continues)
I've heard of cold cash,
but this is ridiculous.
(eerie music playing)
(theme music playing)
(Mexican music playing)
Hey, why don't
you join the party?
They didn't invite me.
How can I even compete
with a guy who looks like that?
Well, Danny,
it's what's inside a
person that's important.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'll bet even his
gallbladder has a great tan.
Well, good luck.
You're not just
going to sit here
when you could be out there
dancing with me, are you?
That was my plan.
No Ms. Penny tonight.
No. She can't be far away.
Look, stick around,
will you, Adam?
Maybe if you're here she
won't try any hanky panky.
Captain Stubing,
it's one thing to toy with a
poor lonely woman's affection
simply to mask your own avarice.
But when you cheat
the American people
by not paying your fair
share, that's unforgivable.
But I'm on to you now, buster.
And you're going to
get what's coming to you.
Well, I guess you
don't have to worry
about hanky panky anymore, huh?
Uh, thanks.
Now you just have to worry about
getting thrown in the Slammer.
Thanks a lot.
Ha.
Hey, have I told you
today how much I love you?
Only about a thousand times.
I have to speak to you.
(Sigh)
Look, you already
have what you came for
complete with pictures.
Ms. Landers, I
would not write a word
that would hurt you or your son.
I'm walking away
from this assignment.
But I do think this is a
story that should be told.
Absolutely not.
I don't mean to
Star Life Magazine,
but there are responsible
magazines and newspapers.
(sighs)
Look, you are the idol
to millions of people.
If they find out
that Jackie Landers
has a child with a problem
and is handling it
the best way she can,
you can be an inspiration
to all the others
with special kids.
Scott, is this
some sort of trick?
Are you just trying
to lull me into security
until I see our pictures
plastered on the front page?
The photographer
won't say a word.
As far as the pictures 90...
I'm sorry if we
ruined your vacation.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Come on, Trish.
All I want to do is put
my arms around you
and hold you one more time.
It's only a dance.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Now, isn't that more like it?
Hmm, do that again, Jay.
That feels so good.
That makes me tingle all over.
That's why they
call me The Tingler.
Oh.
(soft music playing)
You're the best,
Jay. That's all.
The best looking,
the best dancer,
the best lover.
Oh, well let's just
say I'm in the top two.
Why don't we go to my cabin,
and I'll bring you up to date
on what you've been missing?
I want to.
You know I want
to, but I'm afraid.
Come on. I'm crazy about you.
That's what you
said the last time,
before you dumped me for
that Norwegian snake handler.
I really mean it this time.
I will never pet another
python, and that's a promise.
Ah.
Do you love me?
Well, you know I do.
How much?
How much?
As much as there is.
Hmm.
Enough to get up on that stage
and tell everyone in the
place how you feel about me?
You want me to tell everybody?
Everybody.
Oh, you're a nut.
Uh-uh.
Sure.
Why not? What's the big deal?
Hold it a minute, please.
Uh, excuse me. Excuse
me, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, I have a very important
announcement to make.
I want each and every
one of you to know
that I love this woman.
And I would like you all
to know that this man here
does not know the
meaning of the word love.
He has never loved
anyone but himself.
- Now, wait a minute.
- And...
You could take some
lessons on how to love
from that man over
there, Danny Lucas.
(romantic music playing)
Well, folks.
I guess, uh, you win
a few, you lose a few.
Hey, Lenny.
JAY: No hard feelings, huh?
(applause)
This happens every night?
I don't know. I'm
usually in bed by nine.
Oh.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
(knock on door)
Come in.
You sent for me?
Yes.
I've gone over my records
with a fine tooth comb.
There is nothing wrong.
If you've called me
here to play games...
I called you here to show me
what it is you
describe as my crime.
You're impugning my honesty
and I demand to know why.
You're going to play this out
right to the end, aren't you?
(knock on door)
What is it?
Uh, sir. Sorry to
interrupt, but uh,
Stewart Prowler is getting
ready to leave the ship.
Oh.
Yes, uh, Mr. Smith.
Excuse me, please.
Over here, Gopher.
Yes, sir.
Any additional
word on his mother?
Still no change, sir.
But she's scheduled to go
into surgery tomorrow afternoon.
Will 2000 be enough?
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Committee decided
$2000 should cover it.
Well, be sure and tell Fowler
that there's no
hurry paying us back.
I mean, this is
the kind of thing
the crew emergency fund is for.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
(melancholic music playing)
Now. Where were we?
You were standing
right here being furious,
and I was standing
right here misjudging you.
Captain, I owe you an apology.
Oh.
You mean you thought that...
Hmm, well...
I guess that much
money in an ice bucket
would give anybody ideas.
Only someone as
suspicious and stupid as I am.
Can you ever forgive me?
It's forgotten.
Then everything's okay?
Everything's perfect.
Oh, Merrill.
I take that back.
(theme music playing)
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
- Thank you.
- Um-hmm.
Hey, you two.
Good luck.
Oh, come on. You can't blame
a guy for trying now, can you?
Of course not. So long, Ray.
Jay.
(theme music playing)
Ah, bye-bye.
Bye. Thank you very much.
Goodbye. Thank you.
Right on.
Well, uh, I'd like to
thank you all very much.
This has been a wonderful trip.
Why don't you thank
us all individually?
Oh.
By the way,
do you know how I can
get in touch with Scott Allen?
Yes, I know exactly.
Oh, Claire.
Hello.
Hi, uh...
I'll meet you down
in the terminal.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
I'm really glad I
didn't miss you.
I've decided to take
your suggestion.
As a matter of fact, my
manager's already called
and made arrangements
for me to tell Billy's story
to a leading news syndicate.
Eh, I'm proud of
you, Ms. Lenders.
Oh, yeah, um,
you're going to have
to start calling me Jackie
if we're going to
be working together.
Together?
Well, I couldn't just let anyone
write an important
story like this.
It needs somebody with heart.
Will you come and
say hello to my son?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Billy.
Billy, this is Scott.
Hi, Billy. How you doing?
- Hi.
- You ready? Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- So long.
- Bye, Billy.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Billy.
Well, Doc. You
almost made the news.
In this case, almost
was close enough.
Hey, guys. Anybody
seen the captain?
Oh yes. He's right over there
saying goodbye to his lady love.
Ah.
I just have a feeling that I'm
being treated as a sex object.
You may have misinterpreted
some of my actions.
The truth is, I'm not
that kind of captain.
Merrill, I understand.
Believe me, I respect
you as a person.
Thank you.
I'm willing to wait.
- Ms. Penny!
- Allow me to help!
- Thank you, gentlemen!
- There you go!
So long. Bye-bye.
Well, Captain.
What was the
result of the audit?
I don't believe it.
I forgot to ask.
Ms. Penny!
No!
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
- Hey, Gopher.
- Hmm?
Do you have any idea why
the captain's been hold up
in his cabin all day?
IRS.
You are what?
Internal Revenue Service.
Captain is being audited.
(whistle)
You mean they're coming here?
Yeah.
Well, they realize
how difficult it is for him
to get to their office
so they're making
special arrangements
to come on the ship.
How is he taking it?
Have you seen him?
Is he here yet?
Eh, how do I look?
Too flashy.
Maybe I should change
into an older uniform.
I'd say he's
taking it pretty well.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Lighten up, will ya?
This ain't the worst assignment
in the world, you know.
No, but it's close.
Do you believe him?
We get a free cruise
to dig up a story
on the sexiest
lady in television,
and you look like a
winner on Make Me Laugh.
Look, all you have
to do is snap pictures.
I'm the guy who
has to dig up dirt.
Well, that's what the readers
of Star Life Magazine want,
isn't it?
I mean, the dirtier
the dirt, the better.
Does that bother you
that Jackie Lenders
seems to be a
pretty decent person?
According to our tip,
she's traveling incognito
with a mysterious male.
Does that sound decent to you?
Well, let's get on with it.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello.
Is that who I think it is?
(theme music playing)
Well, hi.
I'm Adam Bricker, ship's doctor,
cabin pointer outer
and all around nice guy.
Well, uh, I'm, uh...
Oh yes. You certain“;
are, Ms. Lenders.
Uh, no. The name's Harris.
I'd really appreciate it.
You've got it, Ms. Harris.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Uh, I'm in Promenade 110.
That's this way, isn't it?
Uh, that companion
way will get you there
just as quickly and
a lot more privately.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
Well, you have
certainly proven yourself
to be an all-around nice guy,
and a good cabin pointer outer.
Hopefully, I won't
need a doctor.
Where's the flu season
now that I really need it?
Hey... That's her.
No one else fills my
21-inch screen that way.
Where's the mystery man?
You're the big
reporter. You find him.
(theme music playing)
As a cruise director, I
would imagine you have
a certain amount of mingling
to do with the passengers.
Well, there's mingling
and there's mingling.
Is that a yes?
That's not even a maybe. Sorry.
- How cute.
- Oh.
(lounge music playing)
Well, happy
honeymoon, Mrs. Lucas.
Same to you, Mr. Lucas.
Oh, you could call me Dan.
Now do you know
we've been married
exactly three hours?
Oh, and they said
it wouldn't last.
(lounge music playing)
(lounge music continues)
Uh, Trish, let's find our cabin.
It's probably up these stairs.
No it's not. We're on this deck.
Oh, it's, uh, Jay.
Where?
I'm Jay Cavanaugh.
Oh, Mr. Cavanaugh.
Let's see...
Oh, you're on the
promenade deck, cabin 227.
And don't you forget it.
Yeah. That's him all right.
Hon,
I promise he doesn't mean
anything to me anymore.
As far as I'm
concerned, he's dead.
He looks pretty healthy to me.
How come ex-boyfriends are
never dwarfs or hunchbacks?
Let's go find the cabin.
It's probably up these stairs.
Good idea.
(lounge music playing)
(lounge music continues)
Well, how about that?
It's Trish and what's his name.
Friends?
Oh, one of them used to be
hopelessly in love with me.
I have a feeling it
wasn't what's his name.
Why are we talking
about old loves
when we could be
planning new ones?
You're right. I'd
better get started.
(slow music playing)
(slow music continues)
Darling, I'm here.
(theme music playing)
Oh, ma'am. Here, wait, no, no.
Look, let me.
Penny.
Uh, nickel.
Iola Penny, IRS.
Oh! How do you do?
With the IRS, the
question is how do you do
and how much do you owe us?
How much do you need?
Captain Stubing, sir.
Yes?
Sir, this is, uh, Viola Penny.
She's the taxman.
Uh, how do you do?
Don't ask.
Let's get on with
the audit, Captain.
Oh, I'd love to help
you, Ms. Penny,
but uh, unfortunately,
we're just about to sail.
No problem. I have a ticket.
We'll have lots of time.
That's swell.
This is her luggage.
Thank you.
Swell.
(horn blowing)
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
(theme music continues)
(theme music continues)
Oh, sir. How goes the audit?
Well, at this very moment,
that woman is in my cabin
rummaging through every
detail of my personal life.
Oh, relax, sir. You haven't
done anything wrong.
Your books are an
open book, so to speak.
Then why do I feel so guilty?
Well, that happens
to everyone, sir.
It's like when you're
writing a check
and you don't have any ID.
Yeah, or when the sales girl
counts the dresses you
bring out of the dressing room.
Yeah, like when you
go through Customs
with undeclared
salami in your luggage.
- Salami in your luggage?
- Yeah.
You feel guilty, but
at the same time
there's a feeling of
elation, of recklessness.
Not to mention
the aroma of garlic.
This may sound silly,
but I can't help but feel that
Ms. Penny is out to get me.
Well, that's not silly, Captain.
That's paranoid.
Look, sir. She's
already finished.
You can put your fears to rest.
Then again, sir,
you're in a lot of trouble.
(theme music playing)
Meet me on the deck
in 15 minutes, honey.
Ah!
I just spotted two men outside.
I think they're reporters.
They'll find out everything!
(slow music playing)
We'll have two more of the same.
Hmm.
My point is, life is just
a series of challenges.
That's why my life is exciting.
I never back down
from a challenge.
- Really?
- Hmm.
In that case, then I challenge
you to leave me a big tip.
Hey, yeah, Wayne,
what do you want?
Another round for the
honeymooners, Isaac.
Ah!
They're married?
Yeah. Since this morning.
Now, marriage.
That's my idea of a challenge.
Mine, too.
Excuse me.
Trish, baby.
Long time no see.
How you doing, Lenny?
Danny.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, congratulations
on tying the knot.
Thank you.
Got some great
little gal here, Lenny.
Believe me, I know.
You know...
Luigi asked about
you all the time.
Who's Luigi?
It's funny after all this time
he still expects us to show
up every Thursday night.
Really?
Who's Luigi?
We had some great
times. Didn't we, Bunny?
Bunny?
Boy... Seeing you is the best.
I missed you.
Who's Luigi?
How come he called you Bunny?
Luigi's a waiter that we
knew, and he calls me Bunny
because he said
I was like a rabbit.
I like carrots.
How can you even
talk to a guy like that
after what he did to you?
He's not even
worth being rude to.
Besides, it was a long time ago.
Ah, and I was there
to pick up the pieces
when he dumped you, remember?
I know.
You said yourself you were
just another notch on his gun.
I know.
But are you ready for his line?
Seeing you is the best.
- Hmm.
- I've missed you.
- (startled)
- Oh.
I think the coast is clear.
It's only you.
Well, you sure know
how to hurt a guy.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean
that the way it sounded.
It's just that there's
a reporter on board,
snooping around, trying to
dig up some gossip on me.
Something sensational.
You mean like a love affair?
Uh-huh. But there isn't any.
Well, I'd be happy to give
him something to write about.
Hmm?
Well, maybe some other time.
It's me.
Ah.
Come and give me a big kiss.
Oh, hi honey!
Hi.
Listen, mommy's going
to change your clothes
and then you and I are
going to play a game, okay?
Okay.
Okay. See you in a minute.
Hi.
Um, you can't keep him a
secret forever, you know?
Maybe not, Claire,
but I can keep him away
from this particular reporter
on this particular cruise.
Look, we'll just continue to
leave the cabin separately
and make sure we're
not seen together.
- But this is something...
- Look, Claire.
You're a therapist.
You haven't had the kinds
of experiences I've had
with these cheap magazines.
It can ruin Billy's
chance for a normal life.
It can undo all the wonderful
work that you've done
with just one cover photo
and a caption reading
"TV Star's Retarded Son."
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
(theme music playing)
(soft Jazz music playing)
I'd like to propose a toast.
- With water?
- Sure.
And then we can order
wine and do it all over again.
Sounds great.
To you and me and
a lifetime of... wine.
Oh, Danny's, it's
Blanc de Blancs.
It's my favorite. Thank you.
Actually, the
gentleman over there
sent it with his compliments.
Who does he think he is?
He thinks he's Jay Cavanaugh.
Is he wrong?
I'll check on it and
get right back to you.
- Let's give this back.
- Oh.
I don't have to
put up with this.
Hon, why waste a perfectly
good bottle of wine?
Let's enjoy it.
To us.
And then he said,
"I shouldn't be here
on the couch with you."
I once audited a guy
who made $50,000
and only paid $29 in taxes.
Hey, I'd like to meet him.
But I don't know if
he's allowed visitors.
You'd have to check
with the warden.
We found $3000 in his doghouse.
Now he's in the big house
for unreported income.
There's a million
stories in the IRS.
How long have you
been with Uncle Sam?
About 12 years,
but only the last three
with the Internal Revenue.
Well, where were
you before that?
The FBI.
Well, back to the books.
Aren't you going to
finish your dessert?
Gopher, I work for the
people of this great nation,
and they are not paying me
to scarf down black forest cake.
They are paying me
to catch the cheaters
in the warp and
woof of our society.
Poor thing.
Don't you feel sorry for her?
- What?
- What?
She must be lonely.
I can see why.
Captain, she takes
her work this seriously
because she isn't
having any fun.
You know what?
You can remedy that.
Me?
Yes, sir. Well, you're
more her contemporary.
Julie's right.
Little, uh, Mexican moonlight.
Anything to take her
mind off your taxes.
That isn't what I
mean, and you know it.
Well, whatever you
mean, I am not in the mood
to go romancing
lonely bureaucrats.
Excuse me.
Well, look on the
bright side, sir.
At least you'll learn how
to make license plates.
(theme music playing)
Oh my!
More ice cream?
No. Not tonight.
You've already had all of
Claire's and half of mine.
I like ice cream.
It's... it's... it's delicious.
Darling, that's wonderful.
He's worked hard on that one.
Listen, young man.
Claire's going to take
you back up on deck
and show you the ocean again.
Won't that be fun?
Mommy come too.
No, honey.
Mommy can't come.
I'll tell you what.
Meet you back here
later and tuck you in.
I wish Mommy... come.
She's delicious.
Oh.
Oh, honey.
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
(applause)
Ooh.
I need something tall and cool.
How about you?
I just want a soft drink.
Great. I'll meet you
back at the table.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Hi.
They're playing our
song. Let's dance.
Oh, uh, no thanks.
I'm, uh, waiting here for Danny.
Okay.
We'll wait together
on the dance floor.
Uh, I don't think
that's a good idea.
Why not?
Just because.
Oh come on, Trish. I want
to get a least one dance
with the prettiest
girl in the room.
Jay, the answer is no.
Hey, it's only a dance.
What's the matter?
You afraid of me?
No, I'm not.
Good.
Then let's go.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
It's good to hold
you again, Bunny.
Don't call me that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You used to like
the name, Bunny.
You used to like
a lot of things.
Jay, I'm a married woman.
So?
So, I'm not interested in
anything you have to offer.
Hey... You can't fool me, Bunny.
I know you.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Hello, there.
Well, hi, Ms. Penny.
I'll be getting
back to the bridge.
So, have you parked
it in for the night?
No. Just taking a break.
Well, see ya.
Come on.
You know you came
down here to boogie.
Who'd want to boogie with me?
Lots of people I'm sure.
Bye.
I've got to get back too.
Oh, captain,
I'm going over your
charitable deductions.
Boy, you give a lot.
Uh, um, Ms. Penny...
Would you care to dance?
Captain, I'd love to.
(theme music playing)
My... oh sorry.
Uh, Ms. Landers, my name is...
I know who you are.
Uh, but I'll just take
a minute of your time.
No, you won't
take any of my time.
Look, why can't you
just leave me alone?
Because my readers don't
want me to leave you alone.
They love every inch of you.
They want to know what
kind of toothpaste you use,
what you eat for
breakfast, and most of all,
who's there in the
morning to eat it with you?
Look, Mr... Scott.
Okay, Scott.
If it's my love life
you're interested in,
I give you my word
there is nobody in it.
Honestly.
No one?
No one.
I don't believe it.
I mean, uh, you
know what I mean.
Oh.
Look, Scott,
um, you seem like
a pretty nice fellow
and I know that you're
only trying to do your job,
but I really need a rest.
Sure.
So I'll make you a deal.
You lay off for the
rest of this cruise,
and if ever I have a
legitimate romance,
you'll be the first
one to know about it.
Fair enough?
(soft music playing)
Fair enough.
Okay.
Well, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
- Sure.
- Good night.
Good night.
Scott, my boy, you've
got a good heart.
You also have two feet
on the way to the
unemployment line.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Danny... It was only a dance.
It was one dance too many.
Look, I'll say it one more time.
Jay meant something
to me once and it's over.
I want to believe you.
Well, then do.
Ah...
What's wrong with me?
This is our honeymoon.
I was wondering when you
were going to remember that.
How can I be jealous
when I've got all the luck?
I mean, if Jay
wasn't such a moron,
you'd be marry to
him now instead of me.
Right?
Trish?
I'm sorry. I was just thinking.
Uh-huh.
I got a pretty good
idea about who.
Oh, Danny!
(sad music playing)
Damn!
(sad music playing)
(sad music playing)
He'll be fine. Nothing serious.
Give him these pills in case
he has any problems sleeping.
Claire, is something wrong?
Billy?
Nothing wrong. Just
a little tummy ache.
Ice cream bad?
Oh, sweetheart.
Ice cream isn't bad.
It's just that Billy's
had too much of it.
After a good night's sleep,
you'll be raring to
go in the morning.
Did you hear what
Dr. Bricker said?
Let Mommy tuck you in.
There you go.
Oh, honey.
Good night.
Good night, Mommy.
Hey, get some rest.
I'll be here.
Thank you.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
He's a good kid.
Yes, he is.
But that isn't all
you noticed, is it?
No. He's, uh, a little slow.
Oh, doctor. You don't
have to use euphemisms.
Billy's been
retarded since birth.
I've accepted that.
He seems to have made
some pretty good progress.
Uh-huh.
Thanks to Ms. Rice.
She's a wonderful therapist.
I think you'll have to take some
of the credit for that yourself.
There's never been a
substitute for love and faith.
Well, now you understand
why I've been
avoiding that reporter.
I'm not ashamed of Billy.
But I don't want Billy hurt.
You're some kind
of special lady.
Don't worry. He's not going
to hear anything from me.
Thank you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Wait.
Thank you for everything.
JACKIE: Good night.
DOC: Good night.
(soft music playing)
Rest and relaxation.
What a sucker I am.
(soft music playing)
You know, you were right, Julie.
Viola's okay once
you get to know her.
Oh, so it's Viola now, is it?
So, where is she now?
Well, if Gopher doesn't
have her on the dance floor,
she's probably
downing another one
of Isaac's champagne cocktails.
Oh, Captain, I
think that's swell.
Ms. McCoy!
- Too gushy, huh?
- Uh-huh.
Sorry.
Hi, Merrill.
Viola.
You, uh, came
back to work after all.
No, I didn't come to work.
- I came to play.
- What?
You know, I've never
had a champagne cocktail
in my life before.
They make you feel all silly.
Uh, yeah.
Like you're going
to do something wild.
You could take advantage of me,
and there would be nothing
I could do to stop you.
Viola, I think we
better have a talk.
Uh... Now, what I'm going to say
may hurt my tax position,
but uh, I'm a very honest man
and I just have to say it.
Viola... you and
I... the two of us...
could never have a situation...
involving... se... SEX.
(snoring)
Viola.
Viola.
Viola!
Ah.
(soft music playing)
(theme music playing)
Danny.
Where have you been all night?
I had some thinking to do.
Honey.
You're blowing this thing
way out of proportion.
You're the man I married.
You're the man I want.
But nothing can change the fact
that Jay was one
step ahead of me.
He was the first.
Well, so?
I wanted better for you.
I wanted you to be the last.
I hear what you're
saying, Trish.
I just have a very
hard time feeling it.
Danny.
This is supposed to
be our honeymoon.
Yeah.
(theme music playing)
Captain, you don't look like
you got much sleep last night.
Taxes bothering you?
No. My back.
I slept on Doc's
examining table last night.
Well, that's one way to get
the first appointment of the day.
What seems to be
the problem, sir?
No problem.
Ms. Penny was
sleeping in my bed.
Ooh.
Please, wait. There was
a very simple explanation.
Sir, I wouldn't get involved
with anybody in the IRS.
I've heard they're
tougher on their friends.
There's absolutely nothing
between Ms. Penny and me.
Good morning,
everybody. Good morning.
Good morning.
Well, I guess we'd better go.
No, no, no, no. You...
You just stay right there.
You left early this morning.
Uh, I left last night.
Of course, Merrill.
Whatever you say.
Ooh.
Don't you two have
some place to go?
Uh, Ms. Penny, please.
Viola, you have to believe me.
Nothing happened last night.
I think it's cute of you to be
concerned about my reputation.
I thought chivalry was dead.
Uh, now look, uh,
when I took you
to bed last night...
Let me rephrase that.
Uh, um, it was obvious
that you were ready
for bed, so I just...
Uh, I'm not saying
this right, am I?
You have to believe
me. Nothing happened.
Yes, my darling.
Now, what shall we do today?
You want to show me your ship
and teach me about life at sea?
Or shall we just lounge
around in the tropical sun?
Now, look, uh,
don't you think you should be
spending your time on my audit?
Uh, I can't believe
I just said that.
Right.
We could go over
your records together.
Oh, that would be
conflict of interest.
It sure would.
Now, look. You've got my
keys. Help yourself to my records.
Uh, I have to go and make sure
that the computer knows
the way to New York.
I mean, Los Angeles.
Merrill,
next cruise we should
each have our own keys.
(lounge music playing)
Damn, he's cute.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Oh, it's funny.
Here it is a nice sunny
day, yet I get the snow job.
What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
All that baloney about
you being here for rest.
I bought that too.
You're disgusting,
and so is that rag you work for.
It wasn't disgusting
when your publicity people
are wining and dining my editor
to get your face on the cover.
Or can't you remember when
your show wasn't number one?
Well, does it give you
the right to come snooping
into my private life
whenever and
wherever you feel like it?
When you accept the big
cars and the big dressing rooms
and the big bucks, you
give up your private life.
Now, come on. Who's the guy?
I saw him leaving
your cabin last night.
Forget it, Jackie.
They were bound
to find out anyway.
Hey, we were lucky to
keep it a secret this long.
You're right.
If it's out, it's out.
Well, that's more like it.
I'm going to go see
my photographer.
I'll be back in
about 30 minutes.
Don't make me chase
you around the ship.
Thank you, Doc.
Don't thank me.
This will do wonders
for my reputation.
(cheerful music playing)
(cheerful music continues)
Guess who?
The Shah of Iran.
What gave it away? My accent?
Oh, haven't you caused
enough trouble already?
Come on, Trish.
Admit it.
You married that guy
on the rebound from me.
Well, if I did, I sure
bounced in the right direction.
Unfortunately,
I'm having trouble
convincing Danny of that.
When are you
going to face the fact
that the vibes between
us are still there?
Don't fight the feeling.
- Jay!
- What?
You know I mean nothing to you.
Oh.
You're only hitting
on me to make a point!
Please, you got to back off.
My whole life is at stake.
I'm about to lose my husband.
What are you
doing? Well, don't cry.
All right. All right.
I'll fix everything.
You will?
Sure.
I'll take you to my cabin
and kiss all those
little tears away.
No, Jay! No! Let me down!
Oh no.
Jay! I'm having you arrested!
Oh, you are?
Yes! Then I'm going
to have you killed!
- Here, you're still ticklish.
- Stop it!
You are ticklish.
Oh.
Great.
That's it for me.
(sad music playing)
Well, baby.
Looks like it's you and me.
That may be what
it looks like to you.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Um-hmm.
How long have you and
Dr. Bricker been together?
Oh, uh, about eight months.
Isn't that about right, darling?
Yes.
Is there marriage in the future?
Uh, possibly,
but we want to make sure
we're completely compatible first.
Yes.
Um, we're doing
extensive testing.
- Something wrong?
- Oh, no.
Mommy! Mommy!
- Mommy!
- Oh, honey.
Mommy! Mommy!
Mommy?
There's our story.
Make him stop!
All right, Walt. That's enough.
Don't you get it?
This guy's just a front.
It's the kid she's
trying to hide.
Boys, give the lady a break.
I'm sorry. I guess
our decks got crossed.
I write my name.
I write my name... good.
Now you know.
I don't know what to say.
Here, honey.
There you go, baby.
Get that.
Claire, would you take
Billy back to his cabin?
(sad music playing)
(sad music continues)
Okay.
Now you've got
your scoop. Get lost.
I had no way of knowing.
Look, just remember
one thing, okay?
I'm not the victim
here. My son is.
And if you think he can't
be hurt, you're wrong.
He has feelings just
like everybody else.
I'd be very careful
about my next move.
(soft music playing)
Merrill, if the IRS
gave gold stars,
your books would get one.
I'll drink to that.
Now all we need is some hooch.
Aha.
(eerie music playing)
(eerie music continues)
I've heard of cold cash,
but this is ridiculous.
(eerie music playing)
(theme music playing)
(Mexican music playing)
Hey, why don't
you join the party?
They didn't invite me.
How can I even compete
with a guy who looks like that?
Well, Danny,
it's what's inside a
person that's important.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
I'll bet even his
gallbladder has a great tan.
Well, good luck.
You're not just
going to sit here
when you could be out there
dancing with me, are you?
That was my plan.
No Ms. Penny tonight.
No. She can't be far away.
Look, stick around,
will you, Adam?
Maybe if you're here she
won't try any hanky panky.
Captain Stubing,
it's one thing to toy with a
poor lonely woman's affection
simply to mask your own avarice.
But when you cheat
the American people
by not paying your fair
share, that's unforgivable.
But I'm on to you now, buster.
And you're going to
get what's coming to you.
Well, I guess you
don't have to worry
about hanky panky anymore, huh?
Uh, thanks.
Now you just have to worry about
getting thrown in the Slammer.
Thanks a lot.
Ha.
Hey, have I told you
today how much I love you?
Only about a thousand times.
I have to speak to you.
(Sigh)
Look, you already
have what you came for
complete with pictures.
Ms. Landers, I
would not write a word
that would hurt you or your son.
I'm walking away
from this assignment.
But I do think this is a
story that should be told.
Absolutely not.
I don't mean to
Star Life Magazine,
but there are responsible
magazines and newspapers.
(sighs)
Look, you are the idol
to millions of people.
If they find out
that Jackie Landers
has a child with a problem
and is handling it
the best way she can,
you can be an inspiration
to all the others
with special kids.
Scott, is this
some sort of trick?
Are you just trying
to lull me into security
until I see our pictures
plastered on the front page?
The photographer
won't say a word.
As far as the pictures 90...
I'm sorry if we
ruined your vacation.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Come on, Trish.
All I want to do is put
my arms around you
and hold you one more time.
It's only a dance.
(soft music playing)
(soft music continues)
Now, isn't that more like it?
Hmm, do that again, Jay.
That feels so good.
That makes me tingle all over.
That's why they
call me The Tingler.
Oh.
(soft music playing)
You're the best,
Jay. That's all.
The best looking,
the best dancer,
the best lover.
Oh, well let's just
say I'm in the top two.
Why don't we go to my cabin,
and I'll bring you up to date
on what you've been missing?
I want to.
You know I want
to, but I'm afraid.
Come on. I'm crazy about you.
That's what you
said the last time,
before you dumped me for
that Norwegian snake handler.
I really mean it this time.
I will never pet another
python, and that's a promise.
Ah.
Do you love me?
Well, you know I do.
How much?
How much?
As much as there is.
Hmm.
Enough to get up on that stage
and tell everyone in the
place how you feel about me?
You want me to tell everybody?
Everybody.
Oh, you're a nut.
Uh-uh.
Sure.
Why not? What's the big deal?
Hold it a minute, please.
Uh, excuse me. Excuse
me, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh, I have a very important
announcement to make.
I want each and every
one of you to know
that I love this woman.
And I would like you all
to know that this man here
does not know the
meaning of the word love.
He has never loved
anyone but himself.
- Now, wait a minute.
- And...
You could take some
lessons on how to love
from that man over
there, Danny Lucas.
(romantic music playing)
Well, folks.
I guess, uh, you win
a few, you lose a few.
Hey, Lenny.
JAY: No hard feelings, huh?
(applause)
This happens every night?
I don't know. I'm
usually in bed by nine.
Oh.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
(knock on door)
Come in.
You sent for me?
Yes.
I've gone over my records
with a fine tooth comb.
There is nothing wrong.
If you've called me
here to play games...
I called you here to show me
what it is you
describe as my crime.
You're impugning my honesty
and I demand to know why.
You're going to play this out
right to the end, aren't you?
(knock on door)
What is it?
Uh, sir. Sorry to
interrupt, but uh,
Stewart Prowler is getting
ready to leave the ship.
Oh.
Yes, uh, Mr. Smith.
Excuse me, please.
Over here, Gopher.
Yes, sir.
Any additional
word on his mother?
Still no change, sir.
But she's scheduled to go
into surgery tomorrow afternoon.
Will 2000 be enough?
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Committee decided
$2000 should cover it.
Well, be sure and tell Fowler
that there's no
hurry paying us back.
I mean, this is
the kind of thing
the crew emergency fund is for.
Yes, sir. Thank you.
(melancholic music playing)
Now. Where were we?
You were standing
right here being furious,
and I was standing
right here misjudging you.
Captain, I owe you an apology.
Oh.
You mean you thought that...
Hmm, well...
I guess that much
money in an ice bucket
would give anybody ideas.
Only someone as
suspicious and stupid as I am.
Can you ever forgive me?
It's forgotten.
Then everything's okay?
Everything's perfect.
Oh, Merrill.
I take that back.
(theme music playing)
Bye. Thanks for sailing with us.
- Thank you.
- Um-hmm.
Hey, you two.
Good luck.
Oh, come on. You can't blame
a guy for trying now, can you?
Of course not. So long, Ray.
Jay.
(theme music playing)
Ah, bye-bye.
Bye. Thank you very much.
Goodbye. Thank you.
Right on.
Well, uh, I'd like to
thank you all very much.
This has been a wonderful trip.
Why don't you thank
us all individually?
Oh.
By the way,
do you know how I can
get in touch with Scott Allen?
Yes, I know exactly.
Oh, Claire.
Hello.
Hi, uh...
I'll meet you down
in the terminal.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
I'm really glad I
didn't miss you.
I've decided to take
your suggestion.
As a matter of fact, my
manager's already called
and made arrangements
for me to tell Billy's story
to a leading news syndicate.
Eh, I'm proud of
you, Ms. Lenders.
Oh, yeah, um,
you're going to have
to start calling me Jackie
if we're going to
be working together.
Together?
Well, I couldn't just let anyone
write an important
story like this.
It needs somebody with heart.
Will you come and
say hello to my son?
- Sure.
- Okay.
Billy.
Billy, this is Scott.
Hi, Billy. How you doing?
- Hi.
- You ready? Okay.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- So long.
- Bye, Billy.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Billy.
Well, Doc. You
almost made the news.
In this case, almost
was close enough.
Hey, guys. Anybody
seen the captain?
Oh yes. He's right over there
saying goodbye to his lady love.
Ah.
I just have a feeling that I'm
being treated as a sex object.
You may have misinterpreted
some of my actions.
The truth is, I'm not
that kind of captain.
Merrill, I understand.
Believe me, I respect
you as a person.
Thank you.
I'm willing to wait.
- Ms. Penny!
- Allow me to help!
- Thank you, gentlemen!
- There you go!
So long. Bye-bye.
Well, Captain.
What was the
result of the audit?
I don't believe it.
I forgot to ask.
Ms. Penny!
No!
(theme music playing)