The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 20 - Rent a Romeo/Matchmaker, Matchmaker/Y' Gotta Have Heart - full transcript


(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(theme music playing)

Honey, will you
please let me help you?

No, Harvey, these are too heavy
for you and don't walk so fast.

You're overdoing it.

Hi.

- Hello.
- Hello.

We're the, uh, Kronkels.

Oh, let's see. You're on the
Promenade deck, cabin 110.

I hope you enjoy your cruise.

How can we? We
shouldn't even be here.

Oh.

You're the Captain?

You run things. You give orders.

Yes, may I help you?

Would you tell this man
he's going to drop dead?

(bright music)

Really Dr. Bricker,
control yourself.

A ship's officer should
give passengers confidence

and calmness, total calmness.

Would you cut that out?

You know, tradition of the sea?

Right this way to the
life boat, Madame.

Nothing to worry about.
Just a routine iceberg.

We're only going down.

All right. I'm a little nervous.
I'm expecting someone.

Sherry Holton.

You mean the one
on the Alaska cruise?

Yeah.

You mean, the one with the
silk bolero that did the dance

- with the, uh...
- Yeah.

You look this way,
and I'll look that way.

Looking for me?

Hey, Rod, back again, huh?

Fourth time this year.

Well, I regard it as my
obligation to womankind.

You see, the little lovelies
and so starved for togetherness.

And I just happen to
be the local distributor.

Oh, it's really
unfair, you know.

So many of them
and just one of me.

Well, why don't we get some
of the little lovelies to chip in

so we can get you cloned?

Solid thinking.

Then I could sell franchises.

Excuse me, gents.

Poor guy.

If he can only get
over his initial shyness.

You really got a thing
for Sherry, don't you?

Well, we've been
corresponding for six months.

She's taking this
cruise just to be with me.

No wonder you're flipped out.

Just until I know she's aboard

then I'll play it like I
always do, Charlie Cool.

There she is.

Where? Where?

Sherry!

Mr. Cool.

Oh, Doc.

How are you?

Oh, better now.

Among primitive tribes,

just half squeeze like
that and they're engaged.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

I'd say he already knows her
father two goats and a camel.

Ah.

Let me show you to your cabin.

- Uh, Doc.
- Yeah?

This is my sister, Carol.

Oh, hello. How are you?

I'm just fine.

Poor dear.

Oh, don't worry.

Hey, look, lots of
people get emotional

when they see a relative off.

But I'll take real
good care of Sherry.

Doc, the cabin, does
it have a double bed?

Oh, yes it does, indeed it does.

Oh, good, because Carol's
going to be staying with me.

You know, this is
something I never tire of,

watching all the new
people coming on board

all a glow with anticipation.

I suppose this is all
very boring to you.

I'm Evelyn Hopkins.

Oh, hello. Welcome aboard.

Let's see. Oh, yes.

I have an Andrew Hopkins
in cabin 270 on the...

It's Evelyn Hopkins.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Oh yes, of course, you're
right here on the Fiesta deck,

cabin 140.

Oh, good.

Is Andrew Hopkins
here yet? He's my Dad.

No, not yet.

Can I wait for him here?

Then you won't be
able to find our cabin.

I'll show him, Ms. Hopkins.

Oh, well, I...

Yes. This is the
captain's daughter

and my number one assistant.
She hasn't lost anybody yet.

Okay. Don't be long, Jimmy.

- Okay.
- Come on.

You really work on this boat?

It's a ship.

And I have, what my dad
calls, a vital but unofficial job.

It's vital because I
get to help with things

that make the passengers happy.

Sounds neat.

But unofficial because
I don't get paid for it.

Not so neat.

Personally, I'd rather be
less vital and more official.

You must be rich.

Two cabins?

My parents are divorced.

Oh, that's rough.

I'm going to change things.

That's why I tried to
talk him into coming.

I'm counting on this cruise to
help me get them back together.

Hey, Dad!

Jimmy. Hey.

Oh, boy.

Hey.

Boy, if I can help
them pull this one off,

I'm going to ask for money.

(theme music)
(passengers cheering)

Hi.

Dinner for two?

- We'll join you a little later.
- We?

Carol, I'll just be
outside the door.

I want to talk to
Doc for a minute.

Sherry, you know...

Honey, I'm really sorry,
but I couldn't help it.

I mean, Carol's fiancé
ran off with another girl.

I had to bring her.

She's at that stage where
she shouldn't be left alone.

Well, so am I.

Oh, now you don't
really feel alone, do you?

Evening.

Well, uh, to be honest, I
really didn't plan for us to spend

the whole cruise
out here in the hall.

We won't.

Carol will pick up here in a
new place with new people.

Why, before you know it, she
won't need me around at all.

I'll drink to that.

You said you were only
going to be gone for a minute.

Honey, I can't wait for dinner.

You know what I'm going to have?

A ten-pound lobster
floating in 20 pounds of butter

or vice versa.

Oh, Harvey, you just
had a triple bypass.

Your heart can't stand
that kind of cholesterol.

Now there's the
ship's doctor. Ask him.

He can't tell me anything.

Maybe you're right. He
doesn't look too healthy.

But I'm telling you
have a nice salad.

Harvey, trust me in this.

A lobster will kill you!

- Excuse me.
- Certainly.

Baby, do me a favor.

If that lobster kills
me, have him arrested.

(Greek music) (applause)

There's dad!

Doesn't he look great?

Yes. He looks great.

And I think he has even
more muscles than before.

Here you go.

Dad, Mom just
said you look great.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, hello, Evelyn.

Hi, Andy.

Dad, doesn't Mom look good too?

She looks very good, son.

Hey, I'm a lucky kid.

Mom looks good,
and you look great,

and I'm out with
an attractive couple.

So how have you been, Eve?

Well, everything
considered, not bad.

She's been super, and
she lost seven pounds.

Jimmy.

How do you like
living in Chicago?

Well, everything
considered, not bad.

ANDY: Maybe you can
come visit for Christmas.

Hey, we sure will, right, Mom?

We'll see.

But Mom...

Here dear, see what
you'd like for dinner.

(clears throat)

Why would he leave me? Why?

Because you're probably...

You'll find someone nicer.

No, no. No I won't.

He was the most
romantic dentist I ever met.

He had such nice soft hands...
and he always smelled of soap.

Will you excuse me, please?

She still crying
over her fiancé?

A cloud burst. Her mashed
potatoes look like a swamp.

Worst part is she won't
let Sherry out of her sight!

Rough.

Uh, I've got to find a
fellow to take Carol's mind

off her runaway dentist.

Yeah, it might work,
but who? Who?

Ah, I just remembered,
Doc. Time for my meditation.

What meditation?

Oh, I didn't tell you? I'm
studying for the monkhood now.

Got completely celibate.

Since when? Come on, Gopher.

Look, look, look Carol...
Carol is a very attractive girl.

Doc, I am all wrong for Carol.

I'm all out of drip dry shirts.

Think of it as a challenge.

No good at challenges, I crack.

Gopher, look, you're my
friend. Please, I need you.

Doc, it just wouldn't work out.

I mean, what you need for Carol

is a big handsome
leading man type.

I'm just a little pipsqueak.

Ah, I guess you're right.

We're going out onto
the deck and get some air.

It won't help. I'm the
unhappiest person in the world.

You wanna bet?

I've got to find someone!

Hey, what about Mr. Make-out?

Rod?

What will he ever see in Carol?

Oh, Gopher, I'll handle that.

Rod is going to find
Carol not only interesting

but totally irresistible.

Carol?

Rod may have bought
a ticket to Mexico,

(in Spanish accent) but
he's going to Fantasy Island.

(as Tattoo) Whatever
you say, Boss.

(theme music)

What do you have?

Double bourbon, please.

A double bourbon?

Hear that? She
wants a double too.

Harvey.

He can't have that.

All right. All right. Let
him have his hand back.

Make it two singles.

The man with the large
scar across his chest

will have a Ginger-Ale,
preferably low cal.

Hold it.

Sarah, please.

That's absolute poison.

This is poison?

Then you drink it.

Look, baby, don't bug me.

I'm used to having a drink
every night before dinner,

and I'm going to have one.

All right. Drink it. Put
a lump of butter in it.

You drop dead, don't
come complaining to me.

Put a lump of butter in there.

(disco music)

If you two would like to
dance, don't worry about me.

I, uh, think your father
would like to have you alone

for a while. He hasn't
seen you in months.

But, Mom!

You and Dad have a
lot of catching up to do.

See you later.

Good evening.

I'm Merrill Stubing, and
this is my daughter, Vicki.

She runs the ship.

I'm Andrew Hopkins.

- Hi, Vicki.
- Hello.

This is my son, Jimmy.

I believe these two
have already met.

They've been exchanging
mysterious signals.

Really?

And what's it all about, Jimmy?

Nothing.

That's what Vicki told me.

Well, whatever they're up to,

I hope this solid steel
ship can survive it.

- It was nice meeting you.
- My pleasure.

- Good bye.
- Bye.

Goodbye, Jimmy.

Seems like a nice girl, Jimmy.

She's okay.

Say, you're not going out
with anyone special, are you?

You know like a girl.

Oh, not me.

Not anyone special.

(disco music continues)

Very nice selection aboard.

Oh, yeah.

Vitamin E?

No thanks. I just put one on.

Uh, Rod, let me give
you a little advice.

Strike Carol off your list.

Who's Carol?

Hey, Rod, don't snow me.

I'm trying to give
you a friendly tip.

You'll never survive it.

No, really, Doc. I
haven't met any Carol.

Come on, Carol.

The red head at this near table.

Why is she crying?

That's what I'm
trying to tell ya.

The poor kid's got a problem.

See, she can't find
a competent man.

Tragic, a hormone imbalance.

I don't want to
say... "insatiable".

Insat...

You're kidding?

Kidding? I got four guys
in intensive care right now.

We've been aboard four hours.

An animal.

Wild animal.

Well, they don't call me
Marlon Perkins for nothing.

Help is on the way.

Hey, Rod, you're putting me on.

You're much too sensible
to risk life and limb

for just a night or two of
mad incredible passion.

She is so... she should
be in the book of records.

No!

Well, a little smile.

That's better.

No, I was just showing Sherry

the caps that Marvin
did for my birthday"

(Rod clearing throat)

Oh, Rod.

Uh, Rod, this is,
uh, Sherry and Carol.

This is Rod Baylor.

Carol.

Carol, I could have guessed,
just like a sweet song.

You're not dancing, huh?

Oh, will you excuse us?

Oh, don't go. Sherry,
don't leave me. Sherry.

ROD: Oh, she'll
be in good hands.

Oh, everything's
going to be fine.

Doc told me about
your little problem.

He did?

I could have made him so happy.

But he ran away.

Vitamin E?

No, of course not.

I guess I just
expected too much.

Mrs. Kronkel, may
I have this dance?

Oh, it's a little too disco.
Let's wait for something slower.

I like the disco. I just
paid $200 for lessons.

You know that.

Harvey, I love you. I really do.

You've got to take
care of your heart.

Dance with me, and I promise
not to put my heart into it.

How can you make jokes?

I was never
healthier in my life.

The doctor told you that I
didn't have a heart attack.

That operation was just
a preventive measure.

Oh, Harvey, you don't
have to be brave for me.

You'll rebuilt. Face the
facts. You're like a used car.

You just got to
stay off the freeway.

Sweetheart, with
you or without you,

this rebuilt body is
going to get it on, mom.

Going to get it on, mom... now.

(disco music)

(disco music ends) (applause)

Excuse me, Dad,
I'll be right back.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Where'd my mom go?

Your mom? Oh, you must be Jimmy.

She told me you
were on the boat too.

It's a ship.

Right.

She'll be right back.

You know, you have
a very beautiful mother.

My dad thinks so too.

Your dad?

Andy Hopkins. You
must have heard of him.

No, I don't think so.

He's with the
Pittsburgh Steelers.

Pittsburgh Steelers?

Middle linebacker,
Andy, "the Beast".

But he's not as
mean as people say.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

Look, some other time, okay?

Primitive, very primitive.

It worked.

This time, but it's
so easy to check

especially for a crew member.

Yeah, you're right.

Got any ideas?

On this ship, I've seen
just about everything.

And there's one sure fire
way to frighten off a man.

But we'd better dance so nobody
figures out what we're doing.

(theme music)

It has been a long time, Doc.

I have a Japanese robe
you're going to look wonderful in.

My head is spinning.

I have this longing...

this craving that
I can't control.

Maybe you're pregnant.

It's you.

You're a temptress.

Are you always this is silly.

Time is precious.

- You and I...
- Hands, hands!

But, Passion flower, you
don't have to play games.

Periodonture?

Huh?

Those gums.

You need Marvin, too.

Hey, honey?

It's a starry night.

The moon is full.

And we're on the Love Boat.

Go to sleep, Harvey.

Sweetheart, I'm in the mood.

So, what else is new?

Sweetheart.

You know it's been
ages since we made love?

Harvey.

You can't get excited.

You are in terrible shape.

The doctor said I'm
sound as a dollar.

See?

What if you had a heart attack?

Ooh, I'll risk it.

Sure, it's easy for you to say.

But if something should
happen, I'm the one who pays.

I'm dead and you pay?

Sure. I'm the one who
has to face the kids

and tell them I
killed their father.

Sarah, Sarah.

I'm the one people
will call "Killer Kronkel".

Harvey, go to sleep.

The life you save
may be your own.

(romantic music)

There you are. I've been
looking all over for you.

Where's Rod?

Oh, he went back to his cabin.

He said he wasn't feeling well.

I think he OD'd
on vitamin pills.

He's a very good looking
guy, but he's kind of...

(theme music)

(theme music)

EVELYN: Full nose...
Completely down.

Beautiful landing.

You know you're a
very interesting lady?

Oh, thank you, Mike.

And pretty too.

Thank you again, Mike.

Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, that would be nice.

Let me see, something
exotic like a Mai Tai.

Right.

Be right back.

Okay, you're on.

And remember, sincere.

My mom's sure pretty, isn't she?

Evelyn's your mother?

She sure is.

Very pretty.

Are you going to be my new dad?

Huh?

My mom said she'll find
one on this trip for sure.

- Look, kid...
- And don't you worry about me.

I'm no trouble at all.

I won't need orthodonture
for at least two months.

Look, kid, I don't think...

Can I sleep with you and mom?

I'll have all new toys and a
bike and go to a private school

and later my own car.

- Maybe...
- Uh, excuse me, son.

See, you're calling me son now.

Yeah, I just
remembered something.

You're gonna love
Acapulco, Mr. Segal.

Uh, Merrill. Excuse me, Merrill.

- Yeah.
- Uh, have you seen Gopher?

Well, not recently.

What are you doing by yourself?

I thought for sure
you'd be with Sherry.

Well, there's a
slight complication.

I can't believe
you got a problem.

You made more elaborate plans
than Eisenhower did for D-Day.

Well, all he had to worry
about was the German Army.

I've got Sherry's sister.

She brought her sister?

Who hasn't stopped
crying on Sherry's shoulder

since they boarded.

Well, and unfortunately
Sherry's shoulder is connected

to the rest of her.

Yeah.

There's no big problem, Adam.

All you've got to do is
find someone to console.

Yeah, Merrill, that's
why I was wondering, uh,

I don't know how to say this,

but would... would...
gee, this is not so easy.

You're asking me to do it?

Yeah. I thought it
would calm her down

to talk to a father figure.

I beg your pardon.

Oh, no. That's not what I meant.

I mean, I thought
she could benefit

from the advice of an older man.

I mean a wiser man.

I know what you mean.

No way, Adam.

It would take an
incredibly naive man

to get involved in this.

I've got to find Gopher.

You see, it's got be smooth.

You just relax.

Take it nice and
easy and then go.

Hey. That's all right.

I think you're ready to play.

I always am.

He shouldn't be doing that.

Why not? He seems
to be enjoying himself.

Well, if you call committing
suicide enjoyment.

The man had a triple bypass.

He's a walking time bomb.

What does the doctor say?

The doctor says he's fine,
but what does he care?

He's not the mother
of Harvey's children.

Remember, baby, the more
you practice, the better you get.

Now do that again.

Harvey, what do you
think you're doing?

Leading a normal life.

You call being in
the Olympics normal?

It's just shuffleboard.

Harvey, in two minutes you
will run your blood pressure up

to 500 then you're
going to faint,

then you're going to need
mouth to mouth resuscitation

and that one over there with
the water wings gives it to you,

it's goodbye Harvey.

Harvey, you don't have to
prove you're young again,

really you don't.

All this overdoing,
it frightens me.

I need you to be with me for
all the years that we have left.

I need you too, Sarah.

Then all I ask is that
you relax, take it easy.

You know, oh Harvey,
I don't want to lose you.

(sentimental music)

You're the director of
social activities, right?

Right.

Well line me up some fellas

because Sarah Kronkel is
about to become a merry widow.

(theme music)

Hi.

Oh, hello.

Our kids seem to be
having a lot of fun together.

Yeah, they sure do.

Wouldn't you like
to be twelve again?

No way.

But now twenty-two,
that's a different number.

- Is something wrong?
- Yeah.

Someone went to get me
a drink about an hour ago

and seems to have vanished.

- Well, I'll take care of it.
- I couldn't.

I insist.

Okay. A Mai Tai.

All right. I'll have
it sent right over.

Thank you.

One Mai Tai please, Isaac.

Coming right up.

And would you deliver it to
Mrs. Hopkins over there, please?

- Evelyn?
- Uh-huh.

Do I have to?

Is there a problem?

Oh, captain, the
lady likes to socialize,

but I'm not looking for any
trouble from "Andy the Beast".

"Andy the Beast"?

From the Pittsburgh
Steelers. Her husband.

The little boy told me that
the Beast was on board.

Oh, the little boy told you.

Um-hmm.

Isaac, I think you've just been
had by a 10-year-old con man.

Con man?

ISAAC: I thought he
was trying to save my life.

No.

I think he's trying to
save something else.

So, I haven't had ten
minutes alone with Sherry.

Oh, you mean Rod
didn't deliver, huh?

No, he came on too strong.

Listen, Gopher old pal.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not me with Carol.

I'm in training for my
monkery, remember?

I gonna get the top
of my head shaved.

Let go, our order no longer
does human sacrifices.

I just want you to get
Rod all fired up again

and convince him this
time to play it slowly.

The longer he takes with Carol,

the longer I can
have with Sherry.

Okay. I'll try.

That's a good monk.

Hi, Harvey.

Hey, hi.

Want to play?

Honey, I'm not in the
mood for shuffleboard.

Oh, what are you
in the mood for?

Look, this afternoon, later
maybe we'll have another game.

Truthfully, I'm so
hung up on this book.

Okay. See ya later.

Bye.

Hi.

It's nice to see
Mr. America sitting down.

Hello there.

Bruce Jenner exhausted himself?

No. I just thought
I'd read a little.

Well, now you're being sensible.

A man in your
condition needs rest.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess you're right.

(theme music)

Rejected.

I'm on a Love Boat
and I've been...

Has the old magic vanished?

Resting up after
last night, huh?

How'd it go, man?

It didn't.

Nothing happened.

Oh, always the
gentleman, always discrete.

That's how come
everybody loves you, right?

I know Carol, man,

you don't have to protect
her reputation with me.

I must have hit on her 20 times.

You hit on her?

Oh, man.

No wonder you blew it.

You see, the
trick with Carol is...

Oh, no, wait a minute. Hold
it. No, you shouldn't hear this.

Consider yourself lucky
you escaped with your health.

Hey, you got to tell me.

I hate to be responsible.

Hey, It's killing me

thinking this great
machine may be finished.

Oh, yeah. I forgot, uh, okay.

Okay, but you got to promise
me you won't get angry

when you're lying there gasping

with uncontrollable
passion and ecstasy.

I promise. I promise.

Okay. There's one thing
you should do with Carol.

Nothing.

- Nothing?
- You didn't hear it from me.

Didn't hear what?

The girl flips,
flies and freaks out

when you come on like
a great big zero, man.

But... but how do you get...

Because Carol has
to be the aggressor.

You just sit there and
be cool and play innocent

and wait and then
she'll make the move.

She'll make the move?

It never misses.

In medical terms, she is the
ravager and you are the ravagee.

- Far out.
- All right.

But, remember, you're
playing with fire here.

She'll never let you go if
you give her the one thing

she can't resist.

- Nothing.
- You got it!

(lounge music)

Mom, Mom, look who
I found. Super pop.

- Hi, Andy.
- Hi.

You two talk awhile,
Vicki's waiting for me.

(bright music)

Are you uncomfortable about
the three of us being on this trip?

Not really.

Jimmy wanted it,

and I thought it would be
a good experience for him.

You do look good.

Thank you, Monsieur.

You know, it was
really eight pounds.

And you look terrific.

Thank you.

So does Jimmy.

You look great. I look
great. Jimmy looks great.

A real storybook divorce.

The stuff that
dreams are made of.

Hello there.

Hello again.

Twice in one day.

I think you're the only guy on
this boat who isn't avoiding me.

All the men that seem
interested kind of disappear.

Are you sure I look great?

Ms. Hopkins, you have
no problem with your looks.

But I have a strange feeling
that your son has been

pulling the plug
on your social life.

Jimmy?

Aided and abetted
no doubt by my Vicki.

But I don't understand why.

I think it's obvious.

Of course. Yeah.

I'll speak to my daughter.

Please don't.

We'll handle this with Jimmy.

- As you wish.
- Thank you.

Poor baby.

He's trying so hard to
get us back together again.

I'm going to have
a long talk with him.

Evelyn, first I think you and I

should have a
long talk ourselves.

About living together again?

Impossible.

Isn't it?

(sentimental music)

(theme music)

Okay, after ping pong,

I want you back in the
cabin in the sack by 9:30.

- 10:30?
- Nope.

- Fifteen?
- No.

Ten straight up.

That's a deal.

- Have a nice time.
- Okay.

Think it's working?

They've been talking all
day without any yelling.

All right. In today's
market, that's a romance.

Let's go play ping pong.

All right. Come on.

(lounge music)

- Oh, hello.
- Hello.

Have you seen my husband?

Well, I'm not sure I know
him. What does he look like?

Well, he's the one
with the bad heart.

He should be very easy to find.

He'll be the palest
one on the dance floor.

Ah, I'll keep my eyes open.

Thank you.

Sorry my son
handed you all that jive

about me being the Beast
of the Steelers, brother.

Oh, that's okay.

I hope he didn't
have you worried.

No, man. Hey, listen.
I don't scare that easy.

Besides, I was just
keeping these around

to fight off the mosquitoes.

Ah, Mr. Kronkel, is there
something I can get you?

No thanks, Isaac.
I'm gonna turn in.

It's still early yet.

I'm beat, man, solid beat.

I can't believe it.

The disco king and he hasn't
even danced once tonight.

Yeah, but last night I broke
the balloons and ate the cake.

Hey, uh, may I
have one of these?

Sure. Go right ahead.

You're my man. Good night.

Okay.

To us.

(lounge music continues)

What's wrong?

I can't help it, Doc.

I keep expecting Carol
to come rushing over.

Oh, don't worry.

Rod's going to keep her busy.

Shall we split?

What if the same thing happens
again and he leaves her?

I assure you Rod will be
very patient, very patient.

(lounge music continues)

You know, you're much
nicer when you're relaxed.

I have a confession.

This is the real me.

Basically I'm shy and helpless.

Last night I tried
to overcome it,

but the truth is
I'm really inhibited.

That's sad.

I'm that too.

Poor thing.

Uh, I'll tell you my
most private secret.

To meet a strong woman.

I long to be dominated
mentally, physically,

to be putty in that
woman's hands.

I'm really nothing.

You have a problem.

I know. Oh, I know.

I have just the answer.

You mustn't, please.

No, I insist.

Oh, be kind.

Call this number.

I don't have much experience.

- Dr. Helenberger?
- Uh-huh.

That's my psychiatrist.

He'll do wonders for you.

(sentimental music)

So, what do you think?

Well, I got to be honest, Andy.

Apart from Jimmy, the truth is,

you and I have
nothing in common.

We were too young to know
that when we got married,

but our needs are different.

You're a man who needs success.

There's nothing wrong with that

except your way
precludes home life.

And I'm a woman who
needs a man around.

What if I told you I'd changed?

Oh, I wouldn't believe it.

Neither would I.

(sentimental music)

So, I'm glad we finally
got an understanding.

Yeah.

Now we have to
tackle the real problem.

Jimmy.

You know, he's worked so hard

trying to get us
back together again.

He's going to be
so disappointed.

Andy, you and I have got
to go down to the cabin now

and break our son's heart.

Which one of us
is going to tell him?

(sentimental music)

There you are.

I looked all over for you.

I just thought
I'd turn in early.

The last night party
and you're down here?

There's something
wrong I can tell.

No, there's nothing
wrong, Sarah.

You just... well, you
finally convinced me

that I should take it easier.

You've been drinking.

No.

I've been waiting for you.

I thought maybe we
could have a quiet glass

of champagne like together.

All right, but just one.

- Give me a minute to change.
- Yeah.

(romantic music)

(theme music)

Hey, look who's up.

Little old man is still up.

Hi. How was dancing?

Oh, it was great.
We had a good time.

Yeah.

Yeah, Jimmy, uh, your
mom and I were having a talk,

a long serious talk.

We, uh, we both
know how much you

want us to get back together.

It will be great, the
three of us, we could...

No, no, baby. It's
not going to happen.

(sad music)

But why?

Son, we know you
planned this trip

with the best of intentions,

but if we tried getting
back together again,

you'd be living with
two miserable people.

It's not much of a life at all.

For any of us.

Jimmy, one thing
we share totally

is our love for you.

No matter what we
do or where we are,

that will never change, son.

You're stuck with
both of us for life.

- Right?
- Right.

Oh.

(sentimental music)

It's true. I do nag
now and then.

Not too often,
just now and then.

I'll try and keep it down.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I worry you
too from time to time, but...

I don't know. It's just that...

I figured I had a
right to celebrate.

Harvey, that's your third glass.

Here's to number
three in good health.

My problem is I'm
not ready to be old.

Oh, Harvey, you're not old.
You're young. We both are.

Of course, we're not as
young as we used to be.

Harvey, why did
you turn out the lights.

Oh, Harvey.

SARAH: Life is fatal.

HARVEY: No court
will ever convict you.

Doc.

Hi.

Just putting on
some special cologne.

You'll love it.

Tiger passion?

(Doc roars)

You know I get
it by prescription.

You'll never believe
what happened.

He left me again.

He's another Marvin.

Hold the cologne, Doc and
make it two orders of aspirin.

You want aspirin?

You're in bed.

Aren't you feeling well?

(theme music)

I'm still alive.

And I feel better
than I ever did.

You want to know
something, Harvey?

So do I.

Then, honey, can we go
back to our normal life now?

Oh, I don't know, Harvey.
You don't take care of yourself.

I have to watch out for you.

No, you don't. Start
worrying about yourself.

We both have been living
my life. Don't you know that?

I've known it all along.

I guess I was
frightened, Harvey.

I didn't want to
believe you were well

because I was
afraid of losing you.

Losing me?

You know, with your
new attitude toward life,

I thought you might
want someone younger.

You mean, like water wings?

I guess I wanted to keep
you sick so you'd need me.

Honey, I'll always need you.

You're the only
woman I ever wanted.

You're perfect.

I know. I just wasn't
too sure you did.

(theme music)

- Captain.
- Yes.

What a wonderful cruise.

Well, I'm glad you
enjoyed yourselves.

- It was terrific.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.

You don't have to thank
me. It's all part of my job.

Then, you're fired. My folks
aren't getting back together.

I'm sorry.

It's okay, I guess.

At least the trip
made them prettier.

Then you accomplished
two very important things.

What's the second?

You met me.

Come on.

That's some
assistant you got there.

Not so loud.

She think she's the Captain.

- Bye-bye.
- Good bye.

Be sure and be very
honest with Dr. Helenburger.

He is going to help you so much.

Did you give her the old
nothing treatment, man?

And that's exactly
what I got back.

Nothing.

A lot of that going around.

What can I say... except if
you're ever in Fresno, call me.

I plan to get to Fresno.

I have a long vacation
coming up in April.

April? We've got a great
springtime cruise in April.

Excuse me. Did I hear you
say you have a springtime cruise.

I just love this boat.

Where does the cruise go?

- Patagonia.
- Siberia.

Oh, you see, it's a
Siberian Patagonian.

Were all the epidemics are.

I guess I wouldn't
like that much.

See you in April.

Mr. Kronkle,

here's the name of that
champagne that you wanted.

Oh, yeah.

You know something, as
soon as I get off of here,

I'm going to buy five cases.

Well, that should
last you a long time.

Oh, man. My wife and I
will destroy that in a fortnight.

I'm gonna lay a
new secret on you.

What's that?

See I'm just prematurely grey.

Harvey.

Yeah, baby.

I'm going to let you
carry the luggage.

It'd be my pleasure.

How about a little kiss first.

Can we help you?

- Oh!
- Right!

(cheerful music)

(theme music)