The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 15 - The Spider Serenade/Next Door Wife/The Harder They Fall - full transcript

(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(theme music playing)

Well, I think we've covered
everything on the agenda

with one exception.

We have two very important
passengers traveling with us

this cruise, Jack
McTeague and Ed Taylor.

Those names sound familiar.

I know.

Smilin' Jack McTeague
and Ed Flash Taylor.

They were middle weights.

They had a very
famous fight years ago.

They were the only
two boxers in history

to ever knock out the referee.

Thank you, Howard Cossell.

But this Jack McTeague is
a vice president of the line.

And Ed Taylor is a very
important travel agent.

They are not ex-fighters.

It's possible.

No way.

Captain, people rise
to important positions

from the bottom all the time.

Not if they keep
arguing with their boss.

Right. Right.

When you're right. You're right.

- He's right.
- Right, sir.

I love the privileges of rank.

(theme music)

Hold it, will you, please?

Hold it right there.

Look at all this junk.

Helen, I told you we're
just visiting Mexico,

not invading it.

Ed, relax.

- I only brought two trunks.
- Two trunks.

One for each day.

I have been giving travel
advice for 25 years, Helen,

and now my own wife...

It's nice to meet
you. This is Vicki.

Oh, no.

ED: It can't be.

ED: I don't believe it.

It's him.


Jack McTeague,
smiling Jack McTeague.

I can recognize that
crooked mouth any place.

Isn't that the one you had the
boxing match with years ago?

Oh, let's go say hello.

- Come on.
- Hold it. Say hello?

To that bum?

Never. Never.

Ed, you haven't seen
him in over 40 years.

Why are you still mad at him?

Because my jaw
still hurts. That's Why.

Take her that way, will ya?

- Come on, move.
- All right.

Oh, thank you, ladies.

Goodbye. Enjoy your cruise.

- Thank you.
- Goodbye.


Thank you.

Let's see. Mr. Chet Hanson.

Promenade 352.

That's right.

Aren't you young for this job?

No, sir.

And Ms. Kim Patterson,
Promenade 352.

Maybe I am too young.

Uh, we're going to be married.

And very soon.

Oh, Chet, darling.

You don't need to explain
me to the whole world.

Does he, Miss?

Uh-uh. You see, I get the
same salary no matter how much

or how little I know.

And I get zilch either way.


That's my wife.

Have an interesting trip.

CAROL: Chet?




I, uh, I got some
papers for you to sign.

It couldn't wait?

Oh, not if you want
the divorce quickly.

I'm sure you
understand what I mean.

Don't you, Ms. Patterson?


Well, what do you
want me to sign?

Uh, here. Hold this.

Right there, darling.

Carol, we're at the point
of signing divorce papers.

I don't think you ought
to be calling me darling.

I thought we were
being very civilized

about this whole thing.

However, I do see your point.

Oh, uh, initial that clause
right there, you stupid jerk.

Thank you.

Well, have a nice
cruise everyone.

Uh, Carol, uh, that's
the way you get off.

Oh, I'm not getting off.


Well, you know how
I am about driving.

I get lost.

So I thought that if we all
went on a cruise together

then when we get back, you
could drop me off at our apartment.

(indistinct dialogue)

Excuse me.

Oh, yes.

Could you please tell me
how to get to Aloha 142?

Certainly, uh, Ms. Dowripple.

Just upstairs,
around to your left.

Uh, hi.

I'm Dr. Bricker.

I'll show you to your cabin.

It's right next to my office.

Dr. Bricker.

Excuse me.


Your office is on the
other side of the ship.

Haven't you heard?

Business has been so
good I opened a branch.

Perhaps I should
show Ms. Dowripple.

That way I can save
her from the clutches

of certain Love
Boat lounge lizards.

Lounge lizards?

May I help you, ma'am?

Oh, yes.

I've been on a plane all day.

I'd like to go to my cabin.

No problem.

Uh, Stewart, uh, would you take
Ms. Dowripple up to cabin A142

and bring her a pot of
tea and some biscuits.

Thank you very much.

Not at all. You go with
him. He'll get you all fixed up.

Ms. Dowripple?


Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

(theme music)

Carry on, gentlemen.

(ship's horn blowing)

(theme music)

Why would Carol do such a thing?

Coming on a cruise with us?

You'd understand if you'd read
as many books on psychology

as I have.

Your wife is acting
out chapter three of

Don't Only Be Your Own
Best Friend But Marry Yourself.

There's actually a book
called Marry Yourself?

By Dr. Sonny Stone.

He's on all the talk shows.

Carol doesn't read
books like that.

That's not the
reason she's here.

As Dr. Sonny Stone
said on the Dinah Show,

always show psychology but
never let your psychology show.

(knock on door)


Hi, Chet, darling,
remember this dress?

I never could get
the zipper by myself.

There you are.

Oh, thank you one and all.

Carol, what the hell
are you doing to me?

Shh. Please, don't shout.

Especially late at night.

Why not?

I'm in the cabin next door.

CHET: Next cabin.

Yes, and they certainly
don't build ships

the way they used to.

These walls are paper thin.

So if I get too loud laughing
with someone I might meet

on shipboard, you be
sure to let me know.

Ooh, remember, shh.

You know what a
light sleeper I am.



Ms. Dowripple,
what's the matter?

Oh, my cabin! My cabin!

What about it?

Oh, there's a
spider in my cabin!



Would you like me to go
in there and take care of it?

Would you?


Rocky! This is warning.
Give yourself up, son.



Now, you're sure
he's still in here?

You can't miss him. He's
over there by the bed.

It's furry and huge.

Well, could you be a
little bit more specific.

I don't want to
kill the wrong one

because there
are two of 'em here.

- Oh! Two of them?
- Wait, I'm kidding. Kidding.

This is a big joke
to you, isn't it?

Here I am a grown
woman practically in shock

over some dinky little spider.

Well, for your information, I
was having a perfectly rotten

day before I even
saw that damn spider!

So the last thing I need
is for you to come in here

and make fun of me!

I... I'm going to
get it right now.

I don't see him.

Where is he?

I don't know. Maybe he heard
us come in and went into hiding.

He's on your arm!

- Ah! No! Ah!
- Ah! Ah! Ah!

Stop! Stop!

Is it dead?

No, but it's numb.

Oh, I m sorry.

Oh, no. Listen, hey, I
should apologize to you.

I made fun of
you, and I'm sorry.

I don't even know
why I did it except...

well, I'm scared stiff
of spiders myself,

and I didn't want
you to know about it.

Then that makes me
doubly grateful to you.

(knock on door)

Oh, hello.

We were passing by and
thought we heard screaming?

No problem, doctor.
We're just killing spiders.

Killing spiders?

I've heard it called a lot
of things but never that.

(theme music)

(violin serenade)

Mrs. Taylor, that is a
particularly beautiful gown

you're wearing this evening.


Thank you.

I just reached in the closet

and pulled out the
first thing I came to.

And if you believe that, how
about a game of Liar's Poker?

Good evening.
Excuse me, Captain.

I believe you know
Mr. and Mrs. McTeague.

- Yes, nice to see you again.
- Captain.

This is Dr. Bricker.

- Doctor.
- How do you do?

And may I introduce
Mr. and Mrs. Taylor.

Enjoy your dinner.

Yes, uh, Ed and I know
each other very well.

Oh, good.

I was worried you
wouldn't hit it off.

Do you want to hear
something ridiculous?

Isaac thought that you
two were old time boxers.

We are old time boxers.

He's always been
a reliable source.

Is it true that you two
knocked out the referee?

Now that's funny.

The referee didn't
think it was so funny.

Poor guy stepped right in
between us when I was about

to land my Sunday punch
on... what was your nickname?



Well, it should have been flush.

You went down enough times.

I admit my punching
wasn't as accurate as his.

During the whole fight, he kept
pounding my fist with his face.

While you're admitting
all these things,

why don't you admit the fact
that you had to have your jaw

wired shut for six months.

Don't you start with me
again, you understand?

I'll... (clinking on glass)

Do you believe these two?

End of round one.

Yes, go back to your
corners and shut up.

Good evening, Mr. Hanson.

Good evening.

- Ma'am.
- Good evening.

And what will you have
this evening, Mrs. Hanson.

I think I'll have the swordfish.

He wasn't talking to you.

Well, he said Mrs. Hanson.

He was talking to Kim.

You didn't marry her since
I last saw you, did you?

The waiter made a mistake.

He thought she was my wife.

I once made the
same mistake myself.

(theme music)



Oh, Captain, that was a
sensational idea you had,

sending Jack and
Ed off by themselves.

An inspiration.

Oh, I really can't
take credit for it.

It's an old trick of
Thomas Jefferson's.

Let two adversaries alone over
a glass of ale and before long,

they're bosom buddies.

Oh, that's good.

I was lucky, you
punch drunk pug.

Listen, you watch your tongue
or I'll lay you out right now!

Oh, that's pure. I've been
dreaming about this for years.

Yeah, and in
another few seconds,

you'll be dreaming again.

Excuse me.

Mr. Taylor, Mr. McTeague.

Please, Captain,
stay out of this.

Yeah, we're going to
settle this once and for all.

As Captain of this ship,

I cannot permit
this kind of behavior.

Well, as vice president
of the line, I out rank you.

- Now shove off!
- Gentlemen!

Not the time nor the place.

Okay. Some other time and place.

You name it!

Day after tomorrow 11 am.

Okay, chump. You got it.

Chump. Don't you call me...

Sylvia, come on!
Let's go to bed!

Now? It's early.

I want to dance.

I don't want to be here.

(cross talk)

Isaac, orange juice straight up.

Yes, sir.

Never a dull moment,
is there, Captain?

Absolutely not.

Oh, I, uh, hope you don't
think I was being too forward

when you came on board.

I was really quite flattered.

I'm not used to
all that attention.

Well, in that case,
would you care to dance?

Thank you.

Hello, there.


I like that dress almost as much
as nice as the towel you had on.


Well, listen. How
do you think I felt.

Almost left without my shoe.

Thank you again for everything.


Would you, um, like to dance?

I'd love to.

Oh, captain, I...

Oh, no. You two go right ahead.

I'm just waiting for someone.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, there you are.

Do you know I've been
waiting for you for 20 minutes?


Please, no questions.

(theme music)

I never thought Carol
would do anything like this.

I think we'll get off the
ship the first port, fly home.

Let her finish the
cruise all by herself.

And let her occupy my space?


Kim, darling, she wouldn't
be occupying your space.

Your space will get off the
ship along with my space.

Darling, don't you see
what's happening here?

Your wife is being what
Dr. Sonny Stone calls

Huckleberry Hitler.

You know What
Huckleberry Hitler is?

No, and I don't want to know.

(knock on door)

(knock on door)

Everybody decent?

As decent as we're going to get.

What do you want?

Well, if I'm interrupting
anything, I can come back later.

You're not interrupting
anything now.

If you come back
later, who knows.

- Kim!
- She's right.

She's right, Chet.

She understands our
sophisticated present day world.

As a matter of fact, Kim that's
why I came over here tonight.

I need to ask your advice
about sex on shipboard.


Well, I have to ask
somebody's advice.

Now, there was this very
attractive man at the bar

who kept flirting with me.

Oh, look at that. I
still use the word flirt.

Is there a more current phrase?

Do you mean he came onto you?


When this very attractive
man came onto me,

I didn't know what to do.

I mean, I've been married
most of my adult life,

and all that time I've
been completely faithful.

No offense, Chet.

Do you mind if I ask you
the name of your perfume?

It's very seductive,
isn't it, Chet?

Very nice.

Maybe I can borrow some.
Hmm? For my man at the bar.


Well, I probably
don't need it anyway,

the way he kept bumping
up against me at the bar.

In that case, my advice is
make sure you don't mistake

rough seas for passion.


Well, hopefully
it'll be calm tonight.

The sea, that is.

(romantic music)



I had a very nice time.

Good night.

Could we try that again?

That handshake was
sort of unsatisfying.

You noticed too, huh?

(swelling music)


Oh, what are we doing?

I mean, this sort of thing
doesn't usually happen to me.

Practically never happens to me.

Gopher, I... I don't think we
should be doing anymore of this

even though it
feels good and right.

One thing can lead to another.

I don't know you all that well,

though what I do
know I like a lot.

But we can't always do
what we want to do, so...

good night.

You buy any of that?


Neither did I.

(romantic music)

(theme music)

Jack, what time is it?

Five a.m.


As in a morning?

Well, this is the time you
get up when you're in training.


You mean, you're going to
go through with that silly fight?

Of course, I'm going
to go through with it.

It's a matter of pride.
It's a matter of honor.

It's a matter of... Stupidity!

At least you could
give me a little support.

Flash Taylor's wife is probably
giving him all the encouragement

she can!

You are out of your mind.

I don't care what
you say, Helen.

I'm going through with this.

Help, help, help me up, Helen.


Ed, you are in
no shape for this.

Besides, Jack is twice
as heavy as you are.

I'll dazzle him
with my footwork.

Anyway, I'm in better
shape than that turkey.

At least I exercise.

I play golf.

You ride around all day in
a golf cart drinking martinis.

It's not true.

Bloody Mary's.

Ed, wait a... Ed.


Don't do this to me!

I have nothing to
wear to a funeral at sea!

(melancholic music)

Good morning.

How long have you been up?

Not long.

You okay?

I was just thinking
about what kind of woman

you must think I am.

Oh, Claire.

Let me finish.

I am not the kind of woman
that ordinarily spends the night

with someone she's just met.

I'm not like
that at all. At all!

(sighs) I don't think you are.

You're shy and sensitive.

And married.

(dramatic music)


I'm separated
almost three months.

My husband left me, Gopher,
after 19 years of marriage.

Goodbye. Thank you very
much, and he was gone.

The only man until last night.

You heard from him?


About a week after he'd gone,
I got a postcard from Madrid

asking me to forward his
American Express card.

Apparently, he
left home without it.

I'm sorry?

This is like a soap opera.

Frustrated housewife
comes on ship,

sets sights on
unsuspecting young officer.

I bet you hear that
one a lot in your work.

Oh, yeah. Oh.

We cruise ship cowboys

are in and out of
the sack all the time.

All the time.

I see.

How many experiences
like this have you had?

Including you?


(romantic music)

(theme music)

Ooh, ooh.

(lounge music)

Oh, here comes Carol.

Let's take a walk.

Don't be silly.

We're not spending
the rest of the cruise

running from your wife.

I don't want to hear about her
attractive man in the bar again.

But you told me you didn't
believe there even was

an attractive man in the bar.

You said you thought
she made it up.

She did make it up.

I don't want to hear
about it again anyway.

I'm going for a walk.

Chet, darling, sit down.

Well, all right, but I'm leaving

if she mentions the
attractive man in the bar,

and don't you mention it.

I won't.



Hi. How's your
attractive man in the bar?

Did I say that?

He's just fine.

His name is Phillip.

Carol, there's no such man.

Please don't give him a name.

I didn't give him a name.

He came with it.

Sit down.

I want to talk to you.

I understand you.

Sometimes it's better

to get everything
right out in the open.

You're trying to hang onto Chet.

Kim, please.

I'm just trying to explain
to Carol that her continuing

psychological dependence
on you has absolutely nothing

to do with your obvious
inadequacies as a man.

Inadequacies? As a man?

Carol, just look at him.

He's really not that
much, you know?

And he's certainly not worth
making yourself unhappy over.

I guess you're right.


Yeah, you are.

Now, wait a minute.

Please stay out of
this, Chet, darling.

Stay out of this?

Kim, I want to thank you.

You've really opened my eyes.

(theme music)

(theme music)

It's bad enough two older
men are having a fight.

Today, I was told someone
on the ship is taking bets on it.

Sir, I can't
believe that's true.

Who on this ship
would even think of...

Hey, Isaac. Another five
bucks on smilin' Jack, okay?

(bright music)

Well, I'd hate to set
my watch by those two.

Oh, I wish they would
come to their senses.

I am so worried.

Poor dear, I would
be too if I were you.

What was that supposed to mean?

Well, no offense, Helen,
but it's quite obvious

who would win a fight
between our two husbands.

Oh, are you trying to tell me
that your Jack could beat my Ed?

I think he would
clean his clock.

Ed would make mincemeat of Jack.

Your Ed wouldn't
last two rounds.

Jack wouldn't last one.

Would you like to put $50 on it?

You're on.

I'll see you at the fight.

Oh, and I'll bring a
stretcher for your husband.

I'll bring two for yours.

(theme music)

Mr. Taylor, you're not
a young man anymore.

This kind of strenuous
activity can be harmful.

Yes, and I'm sure that your
wife would say the same thing.

Oh, Mrs. Taylor, please
say something here.

Look at you.

You're dogging it.

My grandmother can
move faster than that.

Pick up the pace.

Yes, dear.

Mrs. Taylor.

Doc, you're about the
same height as smiling Jack,

how would you like to be my
husband's sparring partner?

At my age?

Oh, don't look at me.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Excuse me.

Move the legs. Get it going.

Come on hop to it.
Hop, hop, hop, hop.

Sylvia, what are you doing?

You need some work
on the heavy bag.

Oh, come on.

I'm exhausted. I've
been running all morning.

Come on. Give it the
old one, two. Come on.

I haven't got strength
enough for the old one.

What are you... a
quitter? Come on, hit it.

Come on. Come hit. Come on.

- All right.
- Hit me.

- Oh.
- Come on. That's it.

Come on. That's
it. Come on. Move!


Oh, married 37 years,
and he's still an animal.

Jack, get up. Jack, get up.


- (snoring)
- Will you get...

(Latin music)

PA: Ladies and gentlemen,

good afternoon and
welcome to Puerto Vallarta.

And six bottles of the
Louis Quatorze 1973.

Got it.

- Claire.
- Hmm?

Are you getting bored?

Don't start that again.


Are you sure you don't want
to go into Puerto Vallarta?

I'm sure.

It was really only one thing
I wanted to do in Mexico,

and it's not going
to happen anyway.

So there's no sense
in worrying about it.

What's that?

I don't want to
say. It's so silly.

Come on.




I wanted to stand on a
balcony in the moonlight

and be serenaded
by a gorgeous Latin

with bedroom eyes and
incredibly tight pants.

Just count the bottles.

How about a kiss?

Sure. Come on down.

You come up.


I've never had a kiss
on a ladder before.

It's good to try new things.

Hey, Gopher, I need...



I just wanted to find out how
much Sangria we had for tonight.

Fifteen gallons. Now beat it.


(lounge music)


First you didn't want
to go in Puerto Vallarta

and now you're sitting
there not saying a word.

What's the matter?

You spent the entire
morning telling my wife

how undesirable I am.

I only told her you
were undesirable

so that she would
stop hanging onto you.

Then you really
think I am desirable?

Really, really desirable.

KIM: Uh-oh.

Here comes Carol.


- Hi.
- Can I sit down?

You know, Kim, I
just had to tell you

how grateful I am to
you for this morning.

You know, for showing
me how... how silly I am

for hanging on
to Chet like this.

And, Chet, I have
to thank you too

for showing me you're
not worth hanging on to.

It's the least I can do.

And you also made
me realize, Kim,

that it's wrong to
hang onto things.

I mean, it's wrong
to hang onto people,

but it's wrong to
hang onto things.

And so I'm returning this locket

with the picture of the two
of us on our very first date

at the amusement park.


What am I supposed
to do with it?

Take it.

All right. All right.

Boy, we had a good
time that night, didn't we?

And here's a piece of string. I
saved it from our honeymoon.

I tied it around my finger

to remind me of
something about you.

What's a piece of string got
to do with our honeymoon?

To remind you of what about me?

Oh, well, some things are just

too personal to share
with ex-husbands.

(Latin guitar)

♪ Are there stars Out tonight ♪

♪ I don't know if
It's cloudy or bright ♪

♪ 'Cause I only
have eyes For you ♪

♪ I don't care if
We're in a garden ♪

♪ Or on a crowded avenue ♪

♪ You are here and so am I ♪

♪ Maybe millions
Of people stroll by ♪

♪ But they all
disappear From view ♪

♪ And I only have eyes:

♪ For you ♪

Bravo! Bravo!

Muchas gracias.

I am sorry I could not
manage the bedroom eyes,

but the pants are
cutting off my circulation.

You are crazy.

Yes, ma'am.

About you.


(dramatic music)

Gopher, I'd like you to meet
Nelson Fenner, my husband.

(dramatic music continues)

(theme music)

I should have guessed
I'd find you here.

Excuse me. I'm busy.

Don't do this! We
have to talk, Gopher!

I said that I am
busy, Mrs. Fenner.

Oh, boy, you are
really making me angry.

Oh, I'm making you angry?

First you tell me that
your husband has left you.

Then he shows up out of
nowhere, and you take off with him

and now you are telling me
that I am making you angry.


Claire, just don't
worry about it.

I'll bow out.

The hell you will!

I told Nelson he couldn't
just wander back in my life

and lay claim on me
like some grubstake!

Nothing's changed
between us, Gopher.

What I really need to
know is how you feel.

Would you like
your old job back?

I'd like more than that.


(theme music)



You okay?

Me? Sure.

I can run another
five or ten... feet.

Jack, I was just
thinking that, uh...

Did you want to say something.


What about the fight tomorrow?

Well, I... I'd almost
consider calling it off except

Helen would kill me.

Sylvia would do the
same thing to me.

You should see that
woman throw a punch.

Well, good luck tomorrow.

Thank you, Ed.

- You're welcome.
- You too.

(soft music)

Oh, God.

Well, you're a hard
man to track down.

Can I talk to you for a minute.

Uh, I don't think so.

Why don't you let
me buy you a drink?

Uh, no thank you. No.

Look, I just want a minute of
your time, and then I will go.



Thank you.

My, uh, timing with Claire
hasn't been too good recently.

I left at the wrong time and

obviously I came
back at the wrong time.

But I still love her.

I always have.

Then why did you run away?

Well, I'm still trying to
work on that one myself.

Uh, maybe it's
because I turned 40

and there didn't seem to
be anything to look forward to

in my life anymore.

Our office hired a
new receptionist.

She was cute and bubbly
and always said the right thing.

She'd look at my wrinkles, and
she would see character lines.

I don't know whether
I was in love with her

or just the adventure
of the whole thing.

Uh, I was just getting ready to
break it off, and she dumped me.

I'm sorry.



If you were still with
her, you wouldn't be here

fouling up my love life.

You know, Claire
really cares about you.

It's mutual.

Ah, well I was afraid of that.

My lousy timing.

Well, I'd better be going.

I can't compete
with you, not here.

This is your turf.

I think you should
know that, uh,

that when this boat
docks in Los Angeles,

I'm going to be there,

and I'm going to fight
like hell to get her back.

See ya.

Mr. Fenner.

Oh, please, call me Nelson.

Nelson, uh, this may
sound a little weird.

Good luck.

Same to you.

(somber music)

So, Carol wasn't
at dinner. So what?

What are you so worried about?

I'm not worried. She
wasn't in her cabin either.

You called her cabin?

I convinced her to
stop hanging onto you,

and now you're
hanging on to her.

I'm not hanging onto her.

I just want to make
sure she's all right.

Maybe there is a Phillip.
Maybe he's a homicidal maniac.

(knock on door)

Chet, I couldn't sleep.

I've been wandering
around the deck all night

thinking about us.

Thank goodness you're all
right. He didn't hurt you, did he?

Did who hurt me?

Uh, nobody.

What may I ask
are you doing here?

I have decided to keep
neurotically hanging onto Chet,

at least until the
cruise is over.

Oh, that a girl.

And I want my
piece of string back.

As a matter of fact, Chet,
that's what started me thinking

about this whole thing,
that piece of string.

It just drove me crazy that I
couldn't remember what it was

that string was supposed
to remind me of about you.

Was it to remind you about
how tender and kind I am?

No. It wasn't that.

But you are very
kind and very tender.

Thank you.

Was it to remind you how...
How virile and sexy I was?


I mean was when you first
tied the string around your finger.

Even if it had been that,

I couldn't tell you
in mixed company.

Why don't I walk you back
to your cabin, and on the way,

you can... you can tell
me all the nice things

that you remember.


Where the hell do
you think you're going?


(theme music)

(banging on pot)

Ladies and gentlemen!

The fight of the century!

Smilin' Jack McTeague!


Against... against
Ed Flash Taylor!



Remember what I told you now.

You're tough.

You're bad.

You're mean.

Uh, what was that second one?

Follow my strategy.

Dance and jab.

Dance and jab. Keep moving.

Dance, jab, jab, jab.

All right.

Don't tell me. Tell my legs.


Can I have the last call
for bets? Last call for bets.

All right, fine.

Let's have the fighters
to the center of the ring.

Now, listen. I want a clean
fight, and I want a fair fight.

Now, I want you to shake
hands and when you hear the bell,

start fighting.

Round one! (bangs the lid)


Captain Stubing, what
are you doing here?

Well, I always thought
this was my office,

and people generally
knock before they enter.

Well, sir, those two men
are going to kill each other

up on the Lido deck.

- McTeague and Taylor?
- Yes.


Just this morning I told them I
would not permit any fighting.

You must be mistaken.

You're right, sir.

There's a cool
breeze up on deck.

That must be why they're
wearing those gloves.


(makes popping sound with mouth)



You're not paying
attention. Move, dance.

Throw a left! Oh, come on, Ed!


(soft music)

They did it again.

Are you all right? Captain,
Captain. Say something.

(theme music)



I had a nice chat
with Nelson last night.

Did you?

He's not a bad guy.

Well, give me some credit.

I was married to
him for 19 years.

You're still married to him.

I thought we agreed
not to talk about this.

All right.

He still loves you, you know.

I know.

You still love him?


Maybe I'm just more
married than I thought I was.

I don't know.

Well, of course, there's
only one way to find out.

Go back, and you try it
again. At least for a while.

Of course, you
already know that.

What makes you so
worldly wise all of a sudden.

Well, I think I know
you pretty well.

Also, I read a lot of
Harlequin Romances.

You're crazy.

Yes, ma'am, about you.

Now, how about another serenade.

Tonight, we are
offering a frisky medley

of Broadway show tunes.

You know what I'd really like?


I'd like you just to hold me.

For you, kid, the world.

(romantic music)

(theme music)

I don't know if I should
have dinner with you.


Well, I have to see what
Dr. Sonny Stone says

about dating on the rebound.

Sonny's all for it.

You know him?

Know him? We were
college roommates.

Tell the truth, Captain.

Which side of your
jaw hurts the most?

Right here.

Let's say we spend our vacations
together again next year, huh?

Good idea.

Oh, excellent.

May I recommend the mountains?

Mary, wait.

- Captain, thank you.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye, Flush.


(bright music)

Uh, one second, darling.

Carol, you don't throw confetti
when you're coming home.

It's not confetti.

It's our divorce papers.


Good bye.

Well, nice knowing you, Claire.

The best of luck to you, Gopher.


Why, it's, uh, just a good
thing we didn't say "I love you".

This goodbye bit
would be really rough.

Yeah. We sure played that smart.

(romantic music)

Take care of yourself.

You too.

- Bye.
- Bye.

(music continues)

Ah, you know sometimes
it helps to talk about it.


And sometimes it doesn't.

(upbeat music)

(theme music)