The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 13 - Not Now, I'm Dying/Eleanor's Return/Too Young to Love - full transcript

A woman whom Stubbing likes comes on board and before he could make a move she hooks up with another man. A friend of Doc's comes on board with her boyfriend. Now she wants a commitment but they guy keeps on making excuses to the point of faking an illness. Doc tries to help her by calling his bluff but discovers he is sick. And an underage couple comes on board for... The girl's father who's an exec of the line tells Stubbing to make sure nothing happens between them. And Stubbing lays that task on Gopher.

(theme music playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard it's love ♪

(music playing)

An actual cruise.

I still can't believe it.

Just a way of
saying "I love you."

(romantic music)

Peter, you're the best.

Well, that's why I love you.

You've got such
great taste in men.

Lucy, I got your letter.


I'm here as promised.

This is Peter Welch.

Dr. Adam Bricker.


- Hi, Doc. Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.

- Doc's an old buddy.
- Hey, I'm not that old.

Uh, excuse me. I
see an old friend, too.

- Nice to meet you, Doc.
- Pleasure.

Is that the guy you
wrote me about,

the one you're
planning to marry?


Oh, isn't it something?

I've got the most
eligible bachelor in town.

Yeah. He'll probably
stay that way, too.

All I ask in return is you
join me for a tropical drink.

Doc, you've become
suspicious in your old age.

Talk to you later.


Man, was I embarrassed.

A complete stranger.

Hey, come on,
let's get settled in.

This looks like it's going
to be a great cruise.



- Hi.
- Hello.

Is, uh, this where you
check in or whatever you do?

Only if you want to be
on a ship going to Mexico.

Oh, we do. We really do.

I'm Terry Gibson, and
this is Monica James.

I mean, my wife,
Monica. This is my wife.

Yeah, we're married.


That's why I said like... my
wife, because we're married.

Yes, of course,
that's Mr. and Mrs.


Of course, yes.


You're in the honeymoon
suite on the promenade deck.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Yeah, that's right up those
stairs and through that door.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.


- Julie.
- Yes?

Did you get the uh...?

I really appreciate your help.

This is for your trouble.

A quarter?

I haven't been tipped a
quarter since I had a paper route.

I have never been called ma'am.

Actually, those two shouldn't
be in the honeymoon suite.

They should be on a
playground roller-skating.

M a. am?

He called me ma'am!



Oh, Merrill!

Welcome back.

Oh, you're looking terrific.

Where's, uh?

We're divorced. It
just became final.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's not
true. I'm not sorry.

This is my celebration.

Oh, Merrill.

I've been dying to see you.


My table tonight.

I'd love it.


Looks like Eleanor's
back for another cruise.

Think she's got a
case of captain-it is?

Oh, no.

She's just here to see...

an old friend.

(ship's horn blowing)

(crowd cheering)


(theme music)

- Mr. Smith.
- Yes, sir.

I need your help.

You name it, you got it.

Thank you.

It's a delicate situation

involving a couple
of young lovers.

I just received this telegram.

We booked a young couple
into the honeymoon suite.

Their names are Terry
Gibson and Monica James.

They are not married.

Not married? Oh, gosh.

They're teenagers that are
not even close to being 18.


Well, sir, what can
we do about that?

I mean, if they paid their fares

and they're not causing a
mutiny or anything, I mean...

Well, sir, we can't be the
social conscience of the world.

The girl's father is in London.

Until he gets back, he wants
us to keep them on board...


Oh, apart.

Oh. Well, how, sir?

I mean, I can't
move in with them.


As you so often have
told me, Mr. Smith,

that's why you
get the big money.

Sir, that is not
fair. It is not right.

I will not be put
in this position.

The telegram is
signed Arnold James.

No skin off my nose.

It is if you look
at your paycheck.


Arnold James is the treasure
and executive vice president

of the line.

He signs your check.


So, what cabin did you say
these delinquents are in, sir?


You know, it seems
funny being alone

and not worrying about
your folks walking in or

some cop shining
his light in the car.


(romantic music)

Maybe we should go have
dinner in the dining room?

I've already ordered everything.

I guess I'm a little nervous.

This is kind of like
our wedding night

except without the wedding.

You know our folks
wouldn't let us get married.

They'd probably kill us.


Sidney, if this is for the
honeymoon suite, take it back.

I do not want the
meeting in their cabin.

Do you realize what a
candlelit dinner could lead to?

- Gas?
- Go.


You're not sorry
you came, are you?

No. (knock on door)

Must be our dinner.

Sorry to interrupt.
Life boat drill.

Now? At night?

It's the best time.

Dark outside.

Makes it tougher to find the
boats. Okay. Put these on.

Don't take them
off until I tell you to.

Don't tie 'em too tight. You
might be wearing them all night.

Wouldn't want you to
cut off your circulation.

What kind of
cruise ship is this?

A very safe one.

Okay. I want your
stern station, life boat 12.

You, bow station, life boat one.

Can't we be together?

Sorry, international rules.

Husband and wives
may not be together

unless they're left-handed.
You're not left-handed, are you?

Good, I wouldn't want
to make a stupid mistake.

Do not leave your
station until I contact you

or until the bosun's mate
gives you the code word...

"Threak, threak."

Threak, threak?

Don't question that.

The noise of the seas might
seem strange to you land lovers,

but believe me, we
know what we're doing.

What about dinner?

No thanks. I've
had mine. Let's go!


All right, what else
did Eleanor say?

Oh, nothing really.

Just that this was going to be
the most romantic cruise ever

- and then...
- And then what?

And then she
just kind of sighed.

What do you mean "kind of"?

How "kind of" did she sigh?

Well, it was sort of like um...


She went... (sighing)

About me?

Who else?

Julie, you've just made me
the happiest man in the world.

Maybe we should
have dinner together.

Here we go.

Compliments of the gentleman.

And he definitely
is a gentleman.

Thank you.

Do you always
give such big tips?

Buy low, sell high.

I'm a stockbroker.
Russell Evans.


I'm Eleanor Gardner.

I hope you don't mind the
send-over-a-drink routine.

It's just this cruise
is very short,

and then I see this very
attractive woman so I...

So you resort to a
very corny routine.

It's also very successful.

You even got the drink right.

Only Margaritas have salt
around the rim of the glass.

Oh, what a detective.

In my business, you have to be.

Detective, economist,
clairvoyant, mathematician,

- psychologist...
- Ho, ho, ho hold it.

Up to mathematician,
you were doing just fine.

I just divorced a psychologist.

Did I say psychologist?

I meant cyclist.

I got to keep fit.

The other thing we stockbrokers
do is wine and dine our clients.

I was kind of hoping that
you'd let me wine and dine you.

Oh, no. You're just hoping
to sell me 100 shares of IBM.

No way.

I was just hoping to give
you one share of TLC.


Tender loving care.

(music playing in lounge)

I'll drink to that.

Then it's dinner tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've been invited to
the Captain's table.


Right this way, please.

Here we are.

Hope you like your table.

Like it?

I love it.

Surrounded by beauty.

You say the nicest things.

But will you pay this
much attention to me

after we're married?


How soon do I find out?

Oh, I don't know.

We're having such a good time,
and there's plenty of time, huh?


Of course there is.

Peter, I'd like to set the date.

If we're getting married,
I'd like to know when.

I have a little something to
calm your frazzled nerves.

Oh, Peter, I feel so foolish.


Peter, it's fabulous.

Oh, put it on me.

(lounge music)

To my love...

With all...

my love.


Oh, Merrill.

I've been thinking about you
so much since the divorce.

And I've wanted to talk to you.

You were so kind

when I was going through
all that nonsense with Todd.

Well, it's all over now.

Oh, Merrill,

it's so scary being a
single woman again

at my age.

Twenty eight isn't that old.

I feel 15.

I feel giddy and excited and...

I don't trust my own feelings.

I... I haven't felt
this way in so long.

Well, what I really want
is to be able to say yes.

Yes to life, yes to
all the good things.

Yes to love.

Then say it.

It's that simple?

Try it.

You'll see.

Oh, Merrill, you see
that's what I needed,

your encouragement
and your wisdom.

Thank you for
sharing that with me.

I'd like to be sharing the rest
of the evening with you, too.

Oh, thank you, Merrill,
that would be nice, but...

you know what?

I have accepted a date

to go dancing in
the Acapulco lounge,

and afterwards, thanks to you,

I might even say... "yes."

Goodnight, Merrill.


(theme music)


what do you mean they're
back in the honeymoon suite?

Listen, you are paid to deliver
food, not be a shipboard cupid!

(lounge music)

I know you two old friends want
to dance, but we're back soon.

That's the slickest handoff
I've seen since the Super Bowl.

For heaven's sake, he's
only dancing with Julie.


Knock it off, Doc.

Look, he gave me this tonight.


Doesn't that prove something?


It's a diamond.


I mean, it's not a ring,
but one of these days

he'll take me by the hand
and we'll go see a judge

and that'll be that.

Sure, like when we
get to Puerto Vallarta?


Well, instant weddings.
No blood tests, no waiting.

What a great idea.

He'll do it, too.

I'll be your bridesmaid.

You're on.

(knock on door)

(with Swedish accent) Would
this be the Smekmanad sviten?


Smekmanad sviten.

Honeymoon suite.

- Oh, yeah.
- Americans ah-good.

Now then, buddy boy.

What color you see in here, huh?

We got yellow.

We got... persimmon is nice.

We got puce and
avocado and tuna fish.

No, that's my lunch.

I don't understand.

Oh, well. You see
that's the accent.

Back home in Sweden,
everybody talks like this,

and we don't
understand you people.

What are you doing?


Now, first the number
one thing we got to do

is put all the mobel
under the sang.

The what?

The furniture on
the sleepie snozie.

Well, we're going
to be sleeping here.

Not unless you want this
here chair up your nose, buddy.

You're crazy.

No, no, no.

I'm Umlaut.

Joergens Umlaut.

Hey, that's only
a hobby of mine.

Maybe you know me
better as a singer, huh?

(singing) ♪ In the
valley In the wintertime ♪

♪ When the wind blows
On the window panes ♪

♪ All the women
In the vaudeville ♪

♪ Ride velocipedes
In the vestibules ♪

(lounge music)

Captain, how come you're
letting Eleanor dance with that guy?

Remember that song,
"Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets?"

Yes, sir.

Same song different name.




What happened?

I dropped the suitcase.

Guess my horoscope's
out of whack.

I've been dropping
things all month.


Oh, lady, you are a knockout.

And now, this way
to the main event.


Honey, I just thought
of a wonderful idea.


Tomorrow we dock
in Puerto Vallarta.

Hey, great town.

Yes, and we can
get married there.


Oh, honey, in some
dull foreign village?

Why wait?

Why rush?

I'm beginning to wonder

if you're serious
about this or not.


Come here.

I'll show you serious.


Listen, I want to
settle this right now.

Are we getting married or not?




we can't get married.

It wouldn't be fair to you. I...

I have this tropical disease.

It's called "Kuru."



Capital K-u-r-u.

I'm already losing my appetite.

In about a month, I'll
be getting really weak.

Then it's the hospital...

and then it's box city.


But you never said a word.

Why should you be miserable too?

Oh, Peter. We have
to do something.

No. It's too late, darling.

I only have six months
left on my warranty.


then I get recalled to that
big people plant in the sky.

Then marry me tomorrow.

At least, we'll have six months.

I couldn't.

I'm not going to
be a pretty sight.

Peter, I feel so helpless.

What can I do?

There is...

there is one thing you can do.


You can come to bed.

It makes me feel better
having you next to me.


Forget what lies ahead.

Oh, Peter.



Mr. Umlaut.

Mr. Umlaut!

Ya, ya! I'm
painting! I'm painting!

Don't call the
union! I'm painting!

Are you going to be much longer?


Well, I think I passed
my peak growing period.

I never make six foot by God.

Truth is stranger than
fiction, young fellow.

That's a quote from my
last book, The Inner Umlaut.

Autobiography of Joergens
Umlaut as told to Pete Hamill.

Terry, we're
getting out of here.

I am too young to
lose my marbles.

Oh, no. You never too
young to lose your marples.

Marbles. Marbles!

Oh, I thought you say "marples."

Marple is a Scandinavian wart.

I lose mine when
I kissed the groda.


- Toad.
- Oh.

Yeah, she was a blind date, eh.

But that's another story.

I tell it to you. You got
maybe two, three hours?

She was so ugly, this one

she has to sneak up on a glass
of water to get a drink, by God.


No wedding,

and I was so looking
forward to being a bridesmaid.

I had my gown all
picked out and everything.

It's no laughing matter, Doc.

I'm not getting
married because...

because Peter only
has six months to live.


He's got some rare tropical
disease called "Kuru."


I didn't know he
was into cannibalism.


Well, that's the only
way you can get Kuru

by eating your ancestors.

You mean he lied to me?

Unless he's been sneaking off to
New Guinea for gourmet weekends.

I'll get him for this, Doc,
if it's the last thing I do.

(sinister music)

(theme music)

Like I said before, is
the way I always like...

Oh, Merrill, I'm so
glad I found you.

I want you to meet my friend.

Russell Evans, this is
Captain Merrill Stubing.

- How do you do?
- Captain.

Eleanor's told me
so much about you.

Some of it good.

Quite a ship you've got here

full of beautiful,
exciting women.

This trip is becoming a
very rewarding experience.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

We're going into
Puerto Vallarta.

I want to check on
our reservations.

Can't keep a doll like Eleanor
waiting in line for lunch.

(sad music)

Oh, isn't he terrific?

Yeah, yeah.

He's very smooth.

A little too smooth
if you ask me.

Ah, you're being
protective. That's nice.

I'm not being protective.

I'm being jealous.


I thought you came
on this cruise to see me.

Well, Merrill, I did. I did!

Oh, but... well...

Oh, well...

not the way you thought.

Oh, Merrill.

Have I lost a friend?

Remember what we
once said to each other?

Whatever becomes of
us, we'll be friends first,

BOTH: last and always.

Thanks, Merrill.


(theme music)

We'll order champagne

and lock the door,

and nothing can
ruin our afternoon.

(romantic music)


You know that champagne?

Looks like we're going
to have it in the bar.

With our luck, they won't serve
us because we're underage.


Darling, I talked to Adam.

You have to let him examine you.

He might be able to find
something everybody else missed.


For my sake.

Lucy, I can't have my
hopes raised again.

It's too painful.

You deserve the best that
medical science has to offer.

I'm going to make sure you
get everything you deserve.

Peter, poor guy.

Well, let's see what we can do.

Doc, I warn you my disease
has very, very subtle symptoms.

Almost invisible.

Not with the right instruments.

God, what is that stuff?

Mostly painless.

Take your shirt off and
hang it in the next room.

Please, Peter.

I don't want you to die.


Now, I can't ethically use
any of that stuff on him.

Oh, can't you make him
think he really is sick?

I can't do that either, but I
can scare the beans out of him

and maybe make him come clean.

I was thinking I'd like to
try some traction for about,

oh, two or three weeks
and then ice baths.

Yes, three ice baths a day.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's hopeless, believe
me, I've seen the best.

You haven't seen anything yet.



Oh, excessive sensitivity
in the pectoral region.


Doc, honest, you're
wasting your time.

Just hold... hold it, Peter.

What is it?

(concerning music)

Muscle spasms.

Peter, I want you to lift this
book with your arm straight out.

- Do that.
- Okay.

(dramatic music)

How long have you
had this weakness?

About a month or so.

I keep dropping
things all the time.

Probably just pulled a
muscle or something.

Is it getting worse?

Well, maybe.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Lucy, would you mind
leaving us for just a little while?

Sure, Doc.

(dramatic music)

Wasn't that a lot more fun
than lunch in Puerto Vallarta?

(romantic music)

Maybe we should skip dinner too.


Oh, do you know,

I never thought I could ever
feel this way about a man again,


Ah, ah, ah, ah. Come on now.

Let's not ruin all this
by getting serious.


I thought we both were serious.

Look, we're here for a few days.

Let's enjoy it before
we get back to reality.

Reality? Oh.

I thought the words we said
to each other were reality.

I thought the way we felt
about each other was reality.

Oh, when we get
back to L.A., I'm going...

Back in L.A., I have
a wife and a little boy.

That's my reality.

(dramatic music)

Why I can't be positive,
but it could be quite serious.

All right,
technically it's called

amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

The common name...

is Lou Gehrig's disease.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Doc.

Look, I saw that movie. Come
on. Gary Cooper died from that.

(somber music)

You know something? You really
had me going there for a minute.

I guess I had that
coming, didn't I?

Okay. Look. I lied about
being sick, and I got caught.

It was the only way I could
get Lucy off the marriage track.


I'm a doctor. I don't
joke about things like this.

Come on, look, it's
over. I've been paid back.

(somber music)

Is there any cure?

(somber music)

Oh, God.

Ironic as hell, isn't it?

Guess what?

I'm really dying.


Thank you.

I never thought I'd be happy
to know an unethical doctor.



(somber music)


I'm glad we got our bed back.

How'd you do it?


I called the first officer
and said I was the Captain

and wanted the bed replaced.

But how did he know
you were the Captain?

How did he know that I wasn't?

- Would you like some more?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, it's just my luck.

Isaac would only
sell us Ginger-Ale.

Can I tell you a secret?


The only time I ever had
champagne it made me sick.

No kidding?

Me, too.

I hate champagne.

I love you.


I love you a lot.

(knock on door)

Go away!

It's the Deputy Captain.

You'd better go get it.


(in Irish accent) Good
evening to you, sir.


I wonder if I might have a
wee moment of your time.

- Wee?
- Wee. I, wee.

Wee is an old Scottish
term that we old Scottish use.

What do you want?

Ah, nothing much, a wee cottage
in the hill, a wee trout stream

and also a wee
Swiss bank account.

My needs are simple.

Look, Mister.

Deputy Captain McPlannish.

Look, is there something
we can do to help you?

The truth of the matter
is... I'm a very lonely man.

And my doctor is telling me

if I don't talk to people
about my problems,

there's no telling
what I'll turn into.

Would you please get out
of here and leave us alone?

Terry, there's no
harm in listening.

Oh, thank you, lassie.

Now then, why don't I just
start at the beginning then?

My great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great

great grandparents were druids.

They lived at Stonehenge.

Julie, please, do me a favor

and ask Mrs. Gardner to
have dinner with me tonight.

She can invite her friend, too.

Well, sir, her room
steward mentioned

she'd be dining in
her cabin tonight.


She's probably tired from
her day in Puerto Vallarta.

She and Mr. Evans
got back at two.

Really? I didn't see
them all afternoon.

Uh, they probably
went to the movie.

There was no movie.

Oh, well then maybe
they went to the class

in Gingham hat making.

Sir, why don't I go
knock on her cabin door

and see if maybe
she's changed her mind.

No, no.

Somehow I doubt
that a dinner invitation

will change her
mind about anything.

(somber music)

(disco music)


(disco music continues)

I'm sorry this is
happening to you.

Why shouldn't he love
all the girls he can?

I'd do the same thing.

I really would.

You're something
really special, you know.


But if this is what special
feels like, I'll take ordinary.

(disco music)

(singing) La,
la, la, la, la, la...

Well, so much for the
history of Scottish dance.

Now back to the story.

My Uncle, Robbie Burns,

was known for his use
of iambic pentameter

which was a rare liquor
made from used haggis

and a dash of heather.

They drink a lot of it
in Tierra del Fuego.

Uh, what's that?

Tierra del Fuego? It's
an area in South America.

No. Not that.

That smell.

Smells like smoke
in the passageway.

(losing accent) Smoke
in the passageway?

Good night. (knock on door)

GOPHER: I'm not finished yet.

Oh, yes you are.

Give us a break.

Not only do I lose my job, I'm
out five bucks for a fake beard.

Excuse me.

Feed it three times a day.
It'll be your friend for life.

Is it housebroken?

I thought we'd
never get rid of him.

I don't know. He
was kind of fun.

Did you love those
stories he made up?


But I am going to love
being alone with you.

(romantic music) Umm...

Do you want to change first

or do you want
me to change first?

Or would you like
some more Ginger-Ale?

Monica, what do you want to do?

I want to be honest.

I'm scared.

I know that we love each other

and that we really
want to be together,

but if we don't go
all the way at home,

I don't see why we should here.

Does that make sense?

It just seems so romantic.

Going on a cruise.

Going roller-skating
is romantic with you.

Going for a walk,
a baseball game...

I really love you.

I love you, too.

(romantic music)

Now, I wonder if there's
any place on this ship

we can get a cheeseburger.

French fries?

And a milkshake.

And some carrot cake.

And another cheeseburger.



Late, great Peter
Welch sitting in the dark.

Are you all right?

Oh, tops.

I'm in such great shape that
I've been drinking all night,

and I can't even get drunk.

(retrospective music)

Why are you looking
at me like that?

You wanna watch me fall apart.


It's empty,

the dancing,

the girls.

Nothing is working!

You want me to say it?
Fine! I've been lousy to you!

I've been a real prize!

(somber music)

You'd really like to go,

It'd be good if you did.

Go on, Lucy.

(somber music)


Come in.

I didn't mean to disturb you.

You're not disturbing me.

Charlie here really
pilots the ship.

Besides, you never
can disturb a friend.

(melancholic music)

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's not that beautiful.

Oh, Merrill. I'm such a dope.

I picked another loser.

Don't blame yourself.

Sometimes... sometimes
the timing isn't right.

You're so good to me.

I hurt you, and you're
good to me. Why?

I love you.

Oh, Merrill.

(romantic music)

Is there a chance we
could start all over?

As I said,

sometimes the
timing isn't right.

Then it's too late.


Too soon.

You see, you're not Mrs.
Eleanor Gardner anymore.

You're a new single person,

and what happened
with you and Russell

was just a part of finding
out who that person is.

And that takes time.

I guess so.

Well, however long it takes

and whoever that
person turns out to be,

it will be this other person
who happens to run a cruise ship

who thinks she's the living end.

(romantic music continues)

(bright music)
(ship's horn blowing)

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- How's it going, Peter?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Good. Good.

Medically speaking, I'd say
your good spirit significantly

improved the prognosis.

Come again, Doc.

Oh, I think he's telling us that
happiness is the best medicine.

Yeah, but I can't charge
as much if I say it that way.

Best of luck.

Thank you very much, Doc.

Bye, Doc.

You there.

Yes, sir. Assistant Purser
Burl Smith at your service.

James. Arnold James.

Ah, Mr. James, sir.
Listen, it's not my fault.

I did my darnedest.

Oh, I assume you're
referring to the request I made

of Captain Stubing,

and I assume when someone
says they did their darnedest,

they failed their
darnedest. Is that true?

Well, I wouldn't
put it like that, sir.

How would you put it?

Could I get back to you on that?


Monica, I am very
disappointed in you.

And I thought you
were smarter than this.

Nothing happened.

I can't tell you how your
mother's taking all of this!

- Nothing happened.
- What?

Nothing happened.

Stay out of... No?

I don't know why your
mother doesn't trust you.

I for one certainly
have the greatest beliefs

in your maturity and your
wisdom. Come children.

I don't understand why
people don't trust teenagers.


Give my best to Captain
McPlannish and Mr. Umlaut


Walk to your car?

Nah, I'm this new independent
woman, remember?



See ya.


(romantic music)

Good bye.




Walk me to my car.


(theme music)