The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 3, Episode 10 - The Critical Success/The Love Lamp Is Lit/Take My Boy Friend, Please/Rent a Family/The Man in Her Life: Part 1 - full transcript
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Excuse me, sir.
- Uh, Miss?
- Yes?
Miss, I'm, uh, Mr. Hayman.
I just came from my cabin,
and it's the wrong one.
And I'm his wife, and
I'm in the same cabin,
so mine must be wrong too.
Okay.
Well, um, don't worry.
I'll take care of everything
right after we sail,
but right now I have
to go out on deck
and welcome the Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders.
Excuse me.
Gee, that sounds like fun.
Let's go watch the cheerleaders.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Are you crazy?
Huh?
We have half a million
dollars in diamonds to find.
- Come on.
- Oh.
I've been neglecting
my reading for months.
I thought I'd start to catch up.
- Hey, me, too.
- Yeah.
This trip instead of
wasting my spare time,
I thought I'd improve my mind.
Ah, excuse me, please. One
side. Watch it. Coming through.
Hey, relax. Man,
relax. What is it?
Hey. Take it easy.
Do you mind,
guys. I just want...
Gopher, you're an
officer of the ship.
You're supposed
to conduct yourself
with the proper decorum.
- Would you please?
- Listen, Gopher.
How can you command respect
when you act like
an immature kid?
Sorry. I apologize.
- I accept it.
- Thank you.
Now, what is the big rush?
Nothing.
It's just that the Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders
are coming on board,
and I wanted to get a look.
Wait a minute!
(drumroll)
Ladies and gentlemen,
here they are.
Welcome aboard the Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders!
(up-tempo music playing)
(up-tempo music continues)
- Oh.
- Oh.
(up-tempo music continues)
Watch the professor.
Maybe you'll learn something.
Hi.
On behalf of the entire ship,
but especially myself,
welcome aboard.
Oh, I didn't expect to
find such a young Captain.
Well, actually,
I'm not a Captain.
Oh?
I'm the ship's doctor.
Well, my father's a doctor.
Oh.
Maybe you might know
him. He's about your age.
Nice going, professor.
Well, uh, if there's
anything I can do, just holler.
EVERYONE: Yeehaw!
Don't look now, Stacy.
Isn't that the guy who's been
chasing you all over Dallas?
Oh, no.
I guess he came to see you off.
Some guys just can't
take no for an answer.
Uh-oh.
Sherlock Holmes just
picked up your trail.
Hi. I'm Mark Scott.
We met in Dallas.
Did, uh, did Stacy Sherman
make the trip with you?
Stacy? Um, I don't see her.
Yeah.
Better tie your Shoelaces.
Hi, Stacy.
Oh, Mark. Hi.
Tying my Shoelaces.
It's nice of you to
come see me off.
Oh, I'm not seeing you off.
I'm coming.
Excuse us.
Look, Mark. I don't know
what you're trying to prove,
but there is nothing between us.
There never has been
anything between us,
and there never will
be anything between us.
Period.
- I understand.
- Good.
How about drinks on
Lido Deck in an hour?
- Now, Bill...
- Hmm?
At first, Wendy's liable
to be a little standoffish.
She might be a lot standoffish.
She never did approve
of the men I went with.
I've never seen you
quite so nervous.
Calm down. Everything's
going to be just fine.
I want you to get to know
each other really well.
Your wish, Memsahib,
is my command.
The sooner she gets to know you,
the sooner she'll
learn to love you.
Um-hmm.
And that will be two
of us that loves you.
- Um-hmm.
- Oh.
Um-hmm.
Listen, I got to go check in.
You wait right here? Don't
move. I'll be right back.
If you're missing,
I'll cut my throat!
(soft music playing)
Mom!
Wendy.
Oh.
Mom, about Bill...
Now, honey, give him a chance.
You'll like him.
I... I know you will.
Wait until you meet him.
He's kind and he's considerate.
He's got a cute sense of humor.
And he's romantic and...
And here he is.
This is Bill Kelly.
My daughter, Wendy.
BI... Oh Bill,
welcome to the family.
Listen, I have to check
in with the other girls,
but we'll get better
acquainted afterwards, okay?
Oh.
I'm amazed.
She actually sounded like
she was happy to meet you.
And I only had my
charm turned on low, too.
P.A. ANNOUNCER:
Attention all visitors.
Final call. Ten
minutes to sailing.
I've got to hand
it to you, Captain.
It's going to be a
wonderful show.
We“, thanks to you
and Mrs. Han-me“.
Without your support, there
wouldn't be this charity cruise
or an Acapulco Orphanage.
Well, the Hartnett Greeting
Card Company became successful
catering to those fortunate
enough to have families.
It's only right that we
remember those who don't.
Oh, speaking of families,
aren't we supposed to meet
your new vice
president and his family?
Yes. Paul Turner,
but I don't see him yet.
He's a fine young man
with a wonderful
family, so I understand.
- I can't wait to meet him.
- Yes.
Well, if you have any problems
on the cruise, let me know.
I'll see what I can do.
Captain,
I hear you have the smoothest
running ship in the fleet.
What could possibly go wrong?
Shh.
That's what the Captain
of the Titanic said.
Excuse me. Uh, my
name is Paul Turner,
and I was delayed at the office.
Uh, has my family arrived yet?
Yes, about ten minutes ago.
- They did?
- Yes.
Don't you remember two
ladies and a boy with brown hair?
Ah.
Brown hair?
That's, uh...
That's your son.
Right again. I have
a son with brown hair.
Would you mind
pointing him out to me?
Would you mind telling
me where my family is?
They're right over there.
That's... right.
Ah, yes. Thank you. Excuse me.
Are you folks from the
Glazer Talent Agency?
- Right.
- That's us.
Say, this isn't going to
be such a bad job after all.
You're cute.
Let's pretend like we
know each other, okay?
Hi, Mom. Oh, very nice, nice.
Ah...
My name is Paul
Turner, and you are...
Mabel Higgins.
I'm supposed to be
playing your mother.
Right. Right.
Would you like a
couple of beers?
No, thank you.
Some son you turned out to be.
Wait a minute.
How old are you? I
asked for a 12-year-old.
But I can fake being 12.
I'm Lola Leshay.
I'm playing your wife,
and I don't have to fake it.
Okay, that's great...
Too much, too much.
We“, you see ah...
Mr. Harms“ is my boss.
He insisted all his
employees be family men.
I wanted this job real badly,
so I lied on my application.
Anyway, everything
was going good and then
he asked us to take our
family on this trip, and...
Oh, we get the picture.
Welcome to the family, son.
Oh, mom and son, then.
Well, family. Let's
go family. Nice.
Oh.
Cabin "♪ two sixteen.
That's below decks, the
port side just aft of the beam.
Downstairs to your left.
Aft of the beam?
I'm going to be the world's
first 12-year-old girl Captain.
Has Miss Logan come aboard yet?
I haven't seen
her, Captain Merrill.
- Me neither, sir.
- Are you sure?
Sir!
Stella Logan is my all
time favorite movie actress.
If she came on
board, I would notice.
Well, I just want to be certain.
There is no way she can get
by without my recognizing her.
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
beauty mark on the right side.
It's not on the right
side. It's on the left side.
Uh, sir. Take my word
for it. It is on the right side.
- The left side.
- The right side.
The left side.
Madam, would you
keep out of this, please?
Sir, I know for a
fact it is on the right...
Originally, then she
went to Hollywood,
and they changed her name
and moved the beauty mark.
Come, Vicki, we have work to do.
Nice meeting you.
It's just the excitement
of seeing you, Ms. Logan.
He's not the only one
who feels that way.
I'm Captain Merrill
Stubing. Welcome aboard.
Captain Stubing, so
happy to meet you.
We were all thrilled
when you agreed
to be chairperson
for our charity cruise.
My only regret is you
won't be performing.
Well, there's just
been so much work
organizing the annual
drive for the orphanage.
Besides, I'm far too rusty.
Stella Logan? Never.
- Won't you reconsider?
- Some other time.
But it's awfully
nice to be asked.
Well, look like it's going
to be a wonderful cruise.
Maybe.
Stella, my dear!
What are you doing
here? Are you, um...
on vacation or hiding
out after your last picture?
Neither one.
Oh, uh, Captain Stubing,
this is, uh, Elliott Norman,
the renowned critic
and winner of this year’s
Idi Amin Humanitarian Award.
Everyone has
heard of Mr. Norman,
the critic who can kill a play
or career with a single world.
Captain, I sincerely hope
that you know more about the
sea than you do about the theater.
Yes.
Well, I, uh, will
be looking forward
to having both of you
at my table for dinner.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you, Captain.
You're very gracious.
Nice to be aboard.
Well, you've done it again.
You've been aboard 30 seconds
and already you've
insulted the Captain.
Part of my charm,
I think. Don't you?
Stella, now getting back to you.
That last film of yours...
How in the world did you pick
anything so utterly worthless?
I've had practice.
Or have you forgotten? I
was once engaged to you.
You never had it so good.
(horn blowing)
(theme music playing)
We got to get into the
same cabin we had last time,
and we've got to get
our hands on that lamp!
Ooh, I hope the
diamonds are still in it.
I love diamonds.
All right. All right. All
right. What about me?
Me love diamonds?
We should have smuggled
them off on the last trip.
Oh, didn't you see the dock
swarming with customs officials?
They were on to something.
We'd have paid
a fortune in duty.
Now, the heat's off.
Yeah, you're telling
me the heat's off.
Our marriage is as cold
as tomorrow's TV dinner.
Look...
We don't cut it
together anymore, okay?
So, let's get our hands on
the diamonds, divvy them up,
and we can each go our own way.
Huh?
Whatever you say.
(knock on door)
Come in.
Hi. I'm sorry I was so
abrupt with you earlier.
Oh, that's okay.
Look, uh, we took this
cruise a month ago,
and we specifically asked
for the same cabin again.
You know, out on the
Coral Deck, room 101.
Well, that's the problem.
You see, for the
past four weeks,
we've been expanding
our crew quarters,
and Coral 101 is
now Gopher's cabin.
- Gopher?
- Our Purser.
That's neat.
How do you train
an animal to do that?
Uh, no. You see, Gopher
is our Purser's nickname.
Oh.
I'm sorry I wasn't able
to help you with this,
but I'm sure you'll be
very happy in this cabin.
Is there anything else I can do?
Uh, no thanks.
That's quite alright.
How did you train
an animal to do that?
He's not an animal.
Didn't you hear?
It's the Purser's nickname.
Here you are.
Thank you very much.
Oh.
- No! No, no, no!
- Mmmm. Feels comfy.
Oh, up, up. Oh!
Up, up!
Oh, no.
Look, why don't you
and grandma go inside
and let me and
Daddy rest a bit, huh?
Oh, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no.
You see, uh, ooh.
Won't you share the room with,
uh, Mrs. Higgins and the boy?
I'll sleep here.
That's a good idea.
Look, I'm a method actress.
Don't you know what that means?
Yes, you're a good
one too, I know that.
It means that I have to
live the part I'm playing.
If I'm going to act
the part of your wife,
I've got to do all things
your wife would do!
- You do?
- I do.
Oh... we||...uh... Why don't
you try nagging instead?
Hey, listen.
If we're bunking
together, I got to warn you.
You snore, I kick. Got it?
How do I know I'm
snoring if I'm sleeping?
Better wear shin guards to bed.
(glass breaking)
An entire six pack.
Oh.
I can't take it!
Cute.
- Oh!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Oh, I just ran out
of the room and...
- Sorry.
- Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm...
I didn't mean to bump into you.
Oh no. I bumped
into you. I just...
Yeah, I'm sorry. I...
My fault.
I'm really sorry.
No, no. I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
Wow.
I'm irresistible.
(theme music playing)
(up-tempo music playing)
(up-tempo music continues)
They're worth all the effort
we went through to get them.
They're fabulous.
Yeah. If we could
harness all that energy,
we wouldn't have to
worry about a fuel shortage.
And just think, this
is only a rehearsal.
(up-tempo music playing)
(up-tempo music continues)
I think I'm getting
too much sun.
I'm going to go back to
the cabin and take a nap.
Do you want to join me?
Oh, uh, why don't you run along?
I'll stay and keep
an eye on Wendy.
Okay.
Atta girl, Wendy!
(up-tempo music playing)
(clapping)
(up-tempo music playing)
Okay girls, that's it for now.
Thank you, thank you,
but you needn't applaud.
Just a simple reverent
bow would be quite enough.
Excuse me, but I think
I'd better get back to work.
I'll see you later.
Well, I think I'd better
get back to work too.
Oh, please, Stella. Not again.
I show up, and you leave.
Is that going to happen
all through the cruise?
I hope not.
I mean, I hope you're not
going to keep showing up.
I think I could get
used to this life.
Yeah. Too bad the Cowboys
can't play football on a ship.
I don't see your
friend Mark around.
I guess he got the hint.
Don't bet on it.
That guy never quits.
He's cute, Stacy.
Why don't you give him a chance?
Oh, he just doesn't
appeal to me.
There's no chemistry.
Maybe you're suffering
from a chemical imbalance.
No. There's just too much
going on in my life right now
for me to have time
to even think about
getting serious with
a man, especially him.
Hmm.
I'd like to set up
shop with your rejects.
Hey, that's a great idea.
You're my friends. Save my life.
All you have to do
is keep him occupied.
Keep him busy for
about three days.
That way he doesn't
have time to bother me.
Oh, please.
Come on. Please?
For you.
Isaac's best health food
drink. An egg, a banana...
Come on, Mark.
Let's see if you're as
handsome when you're wet.
I am, take my word for it.
Ah!
(theme music playing)
Oh, excuse me, Captain.
Are you very busy?
Oh, no. Thank you, Jim.
Excuse me, but uh, could I
have a moment of your time?
I realize that it's very
much off limits, but I...
I very much need your advice.
Oh, you want advice?
Strange, isn't it?
Especially coming from
someone who has spent his lifetime
telling other people what
they're doing is wrong.
Well, how can I help you?
Well, I'll make it brief.
I have written a musical,
and I think it's good.
So far, no problem.
Oh, big problem.
Uh, the leading role requires
an actress of enormous talent.
She must have
great warmth and wit,
be strong yet vulnerable,
glamorous yet real.
Well, in other
words, Stella Logan.
And she turned you down?
She doesn't even
know the play exists.
But I know that if I asked
her to read it, she'd refuse.
Because you wrote it?
Stella and I were once...
very much in love.
And when that ended,
I was very, very hurt
indeed and I was angry.
Perhaps unconsciously I looked
for flaws in her performance.
Maybe found some
that weren't even there.
And I wrote about them.
Oh, well, in that case,
I couldn't blame her
for turning you down.
I wish you luck.
I would stand a chance
if someone else
gave her the play,
said it was from some...
Oh, I don't know,
some young playwright.
Then she might read it.
Especially if that someone
were a person she respected,
trusted, looked up to...
Did you ever sell
refrigerators to Eskimos?
No. Air conditioners.
(theme music playing)
(soft music playing)
We gotta find that Gopher guy.
I'm getting nervous
about the lamp.
Relax.
Do you like my dress?
I bought it for the cruise.
- So what else is new?
- My shoes and purse.
Don't you ever get
tired of shopping?
Well, what else is there to do?
You're always out with the guys
or you're sitting in front of TV
watching football or baseball...
What's that other one?
The one with the sticks
and the skates and the ice?
It's hockey!
Are you sure?
Hey, Gopher.
Hey, there's our guy.
He's got the lamp.
You, uh...
think you can handle him? Huh?
Sure.
Besides, if I'm going
to be single again,
I better get used to it.
Anyway, there I was fresh out
of college with just a diploma.
Paul, you're monopolizing
the entire conversation.
I want to get to know
your family better.
The family would love to get
to know you better too, dear.
Oh. Fred.
- Son.
- Yes, Dad?
Clean up your act or swim home!
How about some dessert?
We haven't even
had the soup yet.
Right, that's right.
Well, we're all such
creatures of habit.
It's nice to change things
around now and then,
don't you think?
No, I don't think.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
The rest of the
girls aren't here yet,
but if you'd like I can
show you to your table.
Oh, thanks, Julie.
I'll wait for them here.
Okay, but watch
out for flying butter.
Who's he?
- Hi. Guess who.
- Mark.
Whoopee.
I reserved us an
intimate table for two.
Oh, I have to eat with
the rest of the girls, sorry.
I talked to your director
Suzanne, she said it's okay.
Mark, I told you.
There you are.
We've been looking
all over for you.
Well, I...
You're not trying to stand
us up for dinner, are you?
- Dinner?
- I thought you'd never ask.
We'd love to.
Hi... Does that mean
you're free for dinner?
If you don't mind eating
at an intimate table for two.
Well, actually I'd rather
be with a bunch of guys,
but what has to be, has to be.
Oh, I bet you're a
real heart breaker.
Moi?
I am very impressed
with you, Wendy.
You girls really work hard.
It's rigorous, but we've
got to stay in shape.
All this talk about exercise
is making me hungry.
Wendy, is that all
you're having? A salad?
When I was little, she had
to bully me to eat my greens.
That's not true. I
never bullied you.
I bribed you.
Here, have a little
taste of fettuccini.
There's not enough
room in my uniform
for a little fettuccini.
But it's just a mouthful.
Mother... I'm in training.
I do think Wendy knows
what's best for her.
All you need is
one look to tell that.
But there's no reason
you shouldn't eat,
you're not in training.
It was a very small part, but it
was my first Broadway show,
and I... I stood on the stage
and went absolutely blank.
Oh, that must have
been a horrible feeling.
Oh, the worst.
I couldn't remember
one single word.
I remember. I reviewed the show.
Oh, yes.
And you said, uh, my
performance was unforgettable.
Yeah, rather clever
of me, I thought.
Oh really?
I can't begin to tell
you how thrilled I was
to be the butt of one
of your little jokes.
Yes, well, uh,
speaking of plays,
uh, there's a
young writer I know
who learned that you
were coming on board,
and uh, he asked me if I
could get you to read his play.
He wrote it especially for you.
Oh, Captain.
Well, I'd love to, but uh...
Really, I have too
much work to do.
I'd be delighted
to read it, Captain.
Well, I mean, that is
if the young playwright
can take professional criticism.
No. I wouldn't put
anyone through that.
I'll read it.
You're very kind, Miss Logan.
I know how much
he'll appreciate it.
(theme music playing)
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
I don't know how they
remember all those different steps.
Disco is not that
hard. Want to try it?
The last new dance I
learned was a waltz.
You know, you really
hooked yourself up
with an old stick in the mud.
Lady,
I would rather waltz with you
than boogie with anyone else.
Oh.
Dipping is such fun.
How come you two
aren't out there dancing?
We're waiting for
the dipping music.
- What about you?
- Well, nobody's asked me.
I can remedy that right now.
- Would you care to boogie?
- I would love to.
And I promise you
the very first waltz.
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
- Would you excuse me?
- Sure.
- Excuse me.
- Why?
- Mark, let's dance.
- Sure.
I thought he'd never leave.
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
Excuse me.
Would you ask the
band to play a waltz?
A waltz? Sure.
Oh, it's on me.
I'm a Strauss freak.
(disco music playing)
(slurping)
Ah!
Knock it off!
Don't blame me. It's hereditary.
May I have another zombie?
No.
- A Cuba Libre?
- No.
- What about a Mai-Tai?
- Why do you drink so much?
It all started when Vivien Leigh
beat me out for
Gone with the Wind.
Hi, how's everybody
doing tonight?
Ooh, not bad, cutie.
How about yourself?
Uh, good. I'm fine.
I like sailors. I remember
once when the fleet was in...
- Ah... Ciao.
- Ahoy!
Stop it! I want you all
to behave yourselves!
(slurping)
Now, cut that out!
All right, you can have a...
- A what?
- Cup of coffee.
Oh, what a thrill.
Excuse me.
Anchors away.
Hi, Isaac.
Ah.
Can I have a...
Oh, wow!
An 'oh, wow'?
That's fantastic.
It was fantastic?
I don't even know
what I put in it.
Huh?
Make that a double.
Hey.
There's the Gopher.
Oh.
(applause)
Hi.
Good evening.
Well, not yet.
But it could be if I'm lucky.
I beg your pardon?
I've had my eye on you all day.
You're kidding?
Did anyone ever tell you
you're a very attractive man?
You know something?
This must be my night,
because that girl over
there, she just called me cutie.
Hmm?
Well, she has good taste,
but she'll never get you back.
Oh, are we leaving?
Bill is fabulous.
I could dance
with him all night.
You bring out the
teenager in me, young lady.
Looks like you need a
drink too. I'll order some.
- How about you, honey?
- How about a Geritol fizz?
I'll be right back.
Oh, Mom. Bill's
everything you said he was.
He really is perfect.
- Did I say that?
- Uh-huh.
All right. He's perfect, but
perfection isn't everything.
I'll bet he snores, or worst
yet cracks his knuckles,
and I know how you love that.
Did you notice his teeth?
I'll bet you he has caps.
When you love someone,
those things don't matter.
He's a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.
Oh, I admit it, you promised
you wouldn't say anything!
Well, for one more dance,
I'll forgive and forget.
Okay.
Pittsburgh, I'm awful sorry.
(disco music playing)
Here you are.
Thank you very much, Miss Logan.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
And what is your name?
Vicki, and I've seen
every one of your movies.
- How old are you, Vicki?
- Twelve.
You must have seen
one a week since birth.
Thank you.
(applause)
Thank you. That's my bar tab.
You never were very
big tipper, were you?
Why did I have to run into
you on this cruise? Why?
Call it fate, Kismet...
Rotten luck?
Stella, darling,
seriously. Honestly...
Have you no feeling
for me left at all?
Yes.
My analyst calls it
deep-seated hatred.
Well, you're luckier than I am.
My analyst says I'm still
hopelessly in love with you.
Is it so unbelievable?
Oh, I know the classic
third act is 'boy gets girl, '
and you and I are beyond
the 'boy' and 'girl' stage but...
We still could have our
happy ending, you know.
- Elliot...
- Oh, I know...
I've written some rotten
things about you in the past,
but dear, you must
learn the difference
between the personal
and the professional.
For instance, I have
a friend who has
this beautiful
thoroughbred horse,
an exquisite animal,
perfectly wonderful but...
I doubt if I'd bet on him.
The friend of mine said
that he couldn't win a
race if his tail were on fire.
Is that what you're
comparing me to? A horse?
- Oh, that's a bad analogy, but...
- So that's what I am?
A horse that can't
run with his tail on fire?
Oh, darling, I...
I'd like to see
your tail on fire.
As a matter of fact, I'd
like to strike the match.
(sad music playing)
(theme music playing)
- You're so handsome.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to see your cabin.
Uh, right. Well, actually,
it's not much of a cabin.
We'd, uh, we'd probably be
more comfortable in yours.
Oh, no. I mean...
I mean, going to your
cabin makes me feel...
much more romantic.
On second thought,
you'll probably love it.
Hmm.
(soft music playing)
Look, if you'd rather
go to your cabin...
Oh, no, no.
This has everything,
everything I could ever want.
Oh.
Oh, don't you want
to go freshen up first?
- Freshen up?
- Uh.
Right, I was just going to.
Sorry to be so long...
Oh, did you have
a problem with that?
Here, maybe the bulb's loose.
Oh, it's beautiful.
So are you.
Very unusual.
Yeah, they're only two like it.
- Two?
- Yeah.
Oh, you're lucky to have a pair.
- Oh, I only have one left.
- Oh...
Yeah, I swapped it with Isaac.
- Isaac?
- For this.
Yeah it's much better
for reading in bed,
and other things.
- I'm bushed.
- Me too!
Oh.
Oh.
Well, thanks for
a lovely evening.
What? What, wait.
If you like, we can just use
that for reading, you know?
Wait.
Keep in touch.
(theme music playing)
P.A. ANNOUNCER
Welcome to Puerto Vallarta.
The temperature is a
glorious 80 degrees.
Have a nice day.
- All set?
- Be ready in a minute.
I'm writing Suzanne a note
so she'll know where I'm going.
Wendy, this is very sweet
of you, but you shouldn't.
I want to do it. It's
my gift to both of you.
Look, how often does
a girl get a chance
to buy wedding rings
for her mother and father?
Oh, I know she's
going to love it.
And so will I. You're terrific.
Are you sure mother
will be sleeping late?
Well, with the way she
was dancing last night,
her legs won't
wake up until noon.
Good. We'll be back before
she knows we're gone.
I can't wait to see her
face when we surprise her.
- This is for Suzanne Mitchell.
- Thank you.
(theme music playing)
Forty-seven, 48...
Forty-nine...
Fifty, 51...
Fifty-two, 53,
54... Fifty-five, 56...
You guys act like you've
never seen a woman before.
Oh, those aren't just women.
Those are works of art.
Works of art?
I think you all ought to
have your heads examined.
I don't care if my head's
broken as long as my eyes work.
I think they're
falling for me man.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, look at how
hard they're breathing.
Oh, really.
Hey, isn't that Roger Staubach,
the Dallas quarterback?
Where?
You'll excuse me.
CHEERLEADERS: 74...
You see the two
guys with the Gopher?
The one with the
specks is the doctor,
but the other one is Isaac.
He's the one that's
got our lamp now.
How are we going
to get into his room?
Leave that to me. Duck soup.
No thanks. I just had breakfast.
Eighty-three, 84...
- Hi, Stacy.
- Hi.
Hi, are you one of the
new cheerleaders now?
No, they said I don't
have the legs for it.
Mark taught us this routine.
We may use it in a show.
Okay if I join you?
Sure, if you think you
can keep us with us.
Try it.
Ninety-four, 95...
Ninety-six, 97...
Ninety-eight... 99,
100... Okay. That's it.
- Not you, Stacy.
- Right.
You keep going to 93,
that's where you came in.
Let's all count for her.
One, two... That's good.
Now keep counting.
Four...
Five.
All right, everybody Let's
go get a tall, cool drink.
That looks good, Stacy.
Bye, Stacy.
- Seven...
- Bye-bye.
Eight...
Nine...
Ten...
Eleven...
- Twelve...
- Keep going.
Thirteen... Fourteen...
Fifteen... What are you reading?
The Making of the President.
Sounds like hot stuff.
Can I read it when
you're finished?
Yeah, sure.
(soft music playing)
You're sure a
fast reader, honey.
Miss? Please don't get up.
And don't interrupt me
for the next 30 seconds.
My name is Paul Turner,
and I'm single, and
I'm in good health,
I don't have any
scars or disability,
and well, I'm a college
graduate and have a good job,
and I saved a couple of dollars.
I got a great record collection.
I'm madly in love with you.
- I'm sorry. You must think I'm...
- Wonderful.
I knew you would say that.
What did you say?
I said I think you're wonderful.
- Do you mean that?
- Um-hmm.
Would you have
dinner with me tonight?
Oh, yes. I'd love to.
- You would?
- Uh-huh.
That's nice. That's
great and nice.
What's the matter?
Sorry, honey. Can't have
dinner with you tonight.
Oh.
Oh, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Do you see that
family over there?
Well, they're friends of mine
from the old neighborhood,
and they're kind of poor. I
said I would look after them.
Maybe, uh, maybe we
can meet after dinner?
You're not only wonderful,
you're a good person too.
Yes. After dinner, here on deck.
It's a date.
Oh, I've got to run.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
This is exciting.
You know, I've been
doing a little writing myself.
Oh yeah?
I never thought anyone
would write a book about me.
My publisher will love it.
I've written three
books about bartenders,
each one a best seller.
Oh.
So, uh, tell me some
more about your life, huh?
Well, once the President
of the United States
came into the bar
while I was working.
- You want to hear about that?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, now the President...
I'll tell you which
one in a minute...
He walked right over to me,
but before I could order,
two guys rush in, guns drawn.
Say, uh, don't you
want to write this down?
Oh yeah, yeah.
Say, haven't you got
any better light in here?
You know, my
eyes aren't so great.
No. Sorry.
Anyway, the President
jumped over the bar.
You know what you need in here?
You need a nice lamp.
You know, maybe something
with sort of a sailor flavor.
That's right. My lamp.
Oh, I had one, but
I loaned it to Doc
while he was getting
his cabin redecorated.
Oh.
Oh, well that should do it.
This book will be dynamite.
But I'm right in the
middle of a story.
Oh, that's great.
Always leave the readers
wanting something more.
- I always end my books that way.
- In the middle of a story?
Yeah. Then I start the next
book with the end of that story.
It's a writer's trick, huh?
I wonder why Charles
Dickens never did that.
Hey, it's never too late.
Tell your friend
Charlie to try it, huh?
(theme music playing)
(up-tempo music playing)
Marvelous.
Great, fellas. If
you do this this swell
tomorrow night,
you'll be a smash!
- Thanks. Good evening.
- Okay. Thanks.
Well, hello.
Gosh, I'd give anything to
be able to tap dance like you.
Well, you can. It's
really very easy.
- Really?
- Um-hmm.
Well, of course. Tap
dancing just looks hard.
You know, the Captain is right.
Why don't you show
us a couple of steps?
- Me?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, no. I... I don't think so.
I mean, it's been a long time.
You wouldn't mind then if I, uh,
gave you a couple of pointers?
- Would you really?
- I'd love to.
Would it be all right
if I just watched?
Oh no. No, siree.
You're going to join this group.
(piano music playing)
(piano music continues)
- You did it! You did it!
- Thank you very much.
How about that? With
only just one lesson.
- Very impressive.
- You really think so?
Well, I would...
Lesson number two,
don't look for criticism.
You'll get plenty
without asking.
I was only about to suggest
lemonade for the
entire corps de ballet.
If that includes me, super!
I think this is a
good time for me
to read that new
play you mentioned.
I pass.
Sorry.
My loss. Shall we?
You've made her entire year.
She's a wonderful girl.
You'd make mine if you'd
appear in the show tomorrow.
Well, you're wonderful too.
But you'll have a good
enough year without me.
(theme music playing)
Excuse me.
Aren't you Miss Mitchell,
the cheerleader's director?
Yes.
I'm trying to locate my
daughter, Wendy Ames.
Mrs. Ames, I heard
you were on board.
So nice to meet you.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Uh, I know Wendy's not
supposed to eat much,
but she hasn't shown up
for either breakfast or lunch.
Well, she told me she was
taking a quick run into town.
She wrote me a note.
She said she'd be
back anytime now.
I wouldn't worry, Mrs. Ames.
Wendy's in good
hands. She's with Bill.
Oh.
So that's where he is.
Please marry me, Lisa.
I love you more
than words can say.
You're on my thoughts
all night and day.
Well, Turner.
This is the first time I've
seen you without your family.
Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Harms“.
Uh, family, yes.
Uh, well they're taking a nap.
Snack. They're having a snap.
Marry me, Lisa. I love you?
Oh yes. Uh...
Oh, uh, well that's a new idea
in greeting cards, personalized.
Oh. Not bad.
Uh, might create an
inventory problem.
But we're on vacation.
We'll talk about that
when we get back.
Go to your family.
I will, I do, Mr. Hartnett.
If you will...
Imagine, working on vacation.
Can I pick employees
or can I pick employees?
- You can pick 'em.
- That's what I said.
- I can pick 'em.
- You can pick 'em.
Yes, I can pick 'em.
It was very sweet of you
to come here, Miss Logan.
Well, I know the
next couple of days
are going to be rather hectic,
so I just wanted
all of you girls
to know how much I've
enjoyed working with you.
That goes double for all of us.
- Well, Stacy.
- Miss Logan.
The girls will fill
you in on the details,
but basically I just
came to say thank you.
Are you all right, Stacy?
Yes. Fine. Perfect.
Well...
If you need me...
Thanks, Miss Logan.
You sure you're okay, Stacy?
Yes. Couldn't be better.
Listen, you guys have been great
the way you've taken
Mark off my hands.
Oh, no problem.
It's probably ruining
the trip for you.
Maybe I should spend
some time with him.
Don't be silly. He's
good company.
Besides, what are friends for?
Thanks. Where's Ali?
She's out for a
stroll with Mark.
Ah, so you're taking
turns with him?
No.
Ali's taking all the turns now.
(soft music playing)
- Uh, excuse me.
- Yes, ma'am.
I saw you talk to my
daughter last night.
I wonder if you happen
to have seen her in town?
- Uh...
- Uh, Wendy.
- She has kind short brown hair.
- Wendy, right.
The Dallas Cowboys
Cheerleader. Right.
Yeah. I did see her
in town with a man.
And I think you're
going to lose a daughter.
They were trying
on wedding rings.
Mom!
Ah.
Sorry. We kind of got way late.
I'm afraid our quick
cab ride into town
turned into one cab ride,
two buses... no, three buses,
and a very undignified
donkey ride.
I'm beginning to think
that I'm the donkey.
Oh, we didn't mean to upset you.
We just couldn't help it.
I understand.
She doesn't
understand the half of it.
(theme music playing)
Hey, good. There's the Doc.
Now trap him in the elevator
and remember, he's
the only thing standing
between us and
half a million dollars.
So do your stuff, baby, huh?
Someday,
somebody's going to
like me just for myself.
(seductive music playing)
Well, hi.
Which deck, please?
The one where the
doctor is, please.
Oh, I'm the doctor.
Sounds like you're coming
down with something.
I think it's just a
frog in my throat.
Well, nobody ever
croaked from that.
Little medical humor.
Oh.
That's my favorite kind,
next to funeral jokes.
Why don't we go to my office,
and I can take a look at you?
Thank you.
It'll only take a second.
Oh, take as much
time as you like.
I have no plans for the evening.
Did anyone ever tell you
you're a very attractive man?
Well, yes, quite a few times.
Really?
I mean, I can really
understand that.
Would you pass me the salt?
Want to pass me the salt!
Would you pass me
the butter, please?
Oh, thank you.
I got a great idea.
Afterwards, we can all go
to a phone booth for dessert.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
If you behaved yourself, we
wouldn't have to eat in here.
You keep this up, it's
going to cost me my job.
- Nah, horse feathers.
- Horse feathers?
I read a book once.
Whatever.
I do not want you speaking
to your father like that.
He's not my father.
I know that.
I was only practicing
my character.
How was I?
You have warmth up
to your eyeballs, honey.
Ellen, let's go to dinner.
I'm not hungry. You
go on without me.
You all right?
I'm fine.
I'm just tired.
I'm going to bed.
But...
I'm sure you and Wendy
can carry on without me.
Are you sure you're all right?
Good night, Bill.
Good night.
(theme music playing)
Well, now, Miss... Norma.
You see, you can't be too
sick. You remember your name.
I just love medical humor.
Uh, it seems dark in here.
Are you sure you have
enough light to examine me?
Yeah, uh, plenty.
Now, let's take a
look at those throats.
I... I mean throat.
I'm sure you'll make
me feel a lot better.
Well, I hope so.
Say ah.
Ah.
Now you'll have to open your
mouth for me to examine you.
Is, uh, is that your
bedroom in there?
Could you maybe
examine me in there?
Examination rooms
make me nervous.
Well, the patient,
like the customer,
is always right.
Lovely room.
Well, thanks.
Julie helped me decorate.
Yes. It has a woman's touch.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What I meant was, well,
if I had decorated
it, I would have, uh...
Well, take that lamp there,
I would have picked
something more manly,
like something to go with
your rugged personality,
like something
with a ship motif.
I told Julie.
I had one just like
that, but she took it out.
She said it looked awful.
Oh.
Look, if you don't like
this one, I'll get rid of it.
I'll put it in my waiting room.
Oh!
What is it?
My throat... it's all better.
You're the best.
I'd like to thank the academy,
but especially Miss Julie McCoy
without whose help this could
have been a memorable evening.
(theme music playing)
What are you writing?
Well, I wrote down the
day, the date and the time.
What for?
Well, when our grandchildren
come and they say,
"When did you first
kiss grandmommy?"
Well I'll have the,
uh, exact answer.
Oh, Paul.
I love you, Lisa.
I love you, Paul.
I hate to leave you.
Leave? You can't leave.
I have to. We have a curfew.
I mean, can't you stay
a couple of minutes?
- I can't.
- No, no. Don't go now.
Well... just a
little while longer.
(soft music playing)
Ah, well.
That's well enough. Night night.
But Paul.
I love you too much to get
you in trouble. Nice talking.
Good night.
Not bad. While we're
cooped up in the cabin
you're playing games
with a cheerleader.
The wife's always the last
to know... a cheerleader.
Give me a K, give me
an I, give me an S...
I'll tell you what
I'm gonna give you.
Well! Together as always, I see.
Uh... l was just teaching my
son how to throw a knuckle baller.
Ah, wonderful.
Yes.
Should have been here a
second ago to see the curves.
Listen to Dad. He knows.
Seeing a family like yours
gives me a feeling right here.
It does me too. Right here.
Don't ever lose them.
Now where were we?
Oh, nothing like a
hot bath before bed.
You were in there long
enough to get webbed feet.
(knock on door)
Only me, girls, bed check.
All the beds are here.
Jan, Paula, Stacy. Where's Ali?
Ooh, when she awakes, be
sure and tell her good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
She looks like she's
out for the duration.
Out is right.
With Mark, in the moonlight.
(soft music playing)
(knock on door)
- Stella?
- Elliott.
I need to talk to you.
Is it too late?
Of course not. Come in.
Thank you.
I, uh, have nothing to offer
you here except myself.
Care to have any?
No, thank you.
- I'm still allergic.
- Aw, pity.
- Well, sit down, please.
- Thank you.
I was reluctant to come here
because you're probably
the wrong person to ask,
but uh, what I need to
know is how would you...
That is, if you wanted
to spare an artist's feelings
if you didn't like their work?
Now, where is it
written that one has to?
Criticism to have any meaning
at all must be totally honest,
truth as the critic sees it.
That's his job.
And if the truth
hurts once in awhile,
well, then the artist must
just learn to live with it.
I see.
Why did you want to
know? You're having trouble
with somebody in the
show for tomorrow night?
Oh, no. This has, uh, to do
with that young playwright,
uh, friend of Captain Stubing's.
I just read his play,
and it is horrendous.
What?
It's banal, inane, trite.
The characters are cardboard.
The plot is ludicrous.
The dialogue is child-like.
It is the worst piece of
trash I have ever read.
What do I say to
Captain Stubing?
Hmm?
Captain Stubing.
Uh, well as I said,
be totally honest.
My instinct was to be...
compassionate.
Well, I guess that's why
we have critics like you
to protect audiences
from such garbage.
Thanks, Elliott.
Good night.
Good night.
Garbage then.
I'm stupid.
(mumbling)
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Mother!
Please, I left the ship
to avoid this scene.
Look, I've lost a daughter,
and I've lost a fiancé.
At least leave me my dignity.
To think that I was afraid
you wouldn't like Bill.
Well, I know men your
age prefer young girls,
I mean, I accept that as
a fact of life. I understand.
What in the hell are
you talking about?
Oh, Wendy's a Dallas
Cowboy Cheerleader.
She's beautiful.
I understand that. You'd
be a fool not to love her.
Well, of course I love Wendy.
As a daughter.
Since when do you buy
daughter's wedding rings?
That's right, somebody saw you.
I didn't buy any wedding
rings. Wendy did.
For you two.
That's your wedding present.
I love you, Ellen.
You.
"Come, my love,
grow old with me...
The best is yet to be."
Oh, Bill.
Oh, sweet baby.
(theme music playing)
(piano music playing)
♪ Don't put your
daughter On the stage ♪
♪ Mrs. Worthington ♪
♪ Don't put your
daughter On the stage ♪
♪ Though they said
At the school of acting ♪
♪ She'd be lovely as Peer Gynt ♪
♪ I'm afraid, on the
whole, An ingenue role ♪
♪ Would emphasize her squint ♪
♪ She's a big girl ♪
♪ And though her
teeth Are fairly good ♪
♪ She's not the type I'd ever
Would be eager to engage ♪
♪ No more buts,
Mrs. Worthington ♪
♪ Nuts! Mrs. Worthington ♪
♪ Don't put your
daughter On the stage ♪
Don't.
Now, Isaac, my friend, tell me.
In all of your
lifelong experience,
how many drinks does it take
the average man to get blotto?
Oh, four or five.
Well, as I've always considered
myself above the average,
you'd better leave
the whole bottle.
Hmm.
Certainly.
There you are.
Do you know that I
have been looking
all over for you
the whole daylong?
Be still my foolish heart.
Oh my dear.
I, uh, regret being so harsh
with that young
playwright last night.
Oh, please. Don't...
don't apologize to me.
You didn't like the play.
That's your prerogative.
- It means nothing to me.
- Oh?
Have you ever thought
of why you didn't like it?
Could it be that you're
afraid to do a play now?
Any play?
Between you and me,
you have been getting away
with murder for years, Stella.
You know I love you very,
very, very much indeed.
But you are a very
limited performer.
I choose to ignore
those remarks.
Of course you do.
The ability to avoid reality
is a very special talent.
Elliott, you have been drinking.
And now something
new has been added.
Insight.
Oh, Elliott.
Why don't you stick
to organizing charities?
You do that very well.
Oh, Elliott, this is ridiculous.
- Oh, Captain Stubing.
- Yes.
Uh, do you remember the request
you made to me the other day,
when I first came aboard ship?
Oh, you mean about
appearing in the show tonight?
Yes! Well, I've decided
to take you up on that.
Oh.
(theme music playing)
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
I haven't seen you all day.
Can we talk for a minute?
Yeah, for a minute.
I don't want to be late. I
have an early dinner with Ali.
Oh.
You know, well, you know,
it's the last night on the ship,
and I'm trying to squeeze
in every minute I can.
I don't blame you.
Ali's a sensational girl.
She is. She's terrific.
But I have to
thank you for that.
I never would have met
her if it hadn't been for you.
I know.
I mean, I know.
Well, they're all terrific.
Missy, Jan, Liz,
Paula. All of 'em.
I'm sorry. I'm
doing all the talking.
You wanted to talk to me.
Go ahead.
Um, it was really nothing.
I just wanted to make sure
you're having a good time.
Couldn't be better.
That's really sweet of you
to be so concerned about me.
See you later.
I know how you feel.
I've been around a
lot longer than you,
and he fooled me too.
The best thing you can do
is to forget him and his family.
|'|| try.
Darling. Mr. Hartnett.
I mean, darling
and Mr. Hartnett.
There's something
I got to say to you.
Don't listen to him.
We're not interested in
anything he has to say.
Well, you're going to listen
whether you're
interested or not.
First of all, I'll admit
that I was wrong.
And I'm sorry I lied
when I said I was married,
and I had a family
I just knew you wouldn't
hire me in your company.
I mean...
I thought once you saw
my work, it wouldn't matter.
And when you insisted I
take my family on this trip,
I did even a dumber thing.
I went to a theatrical
agent and I hired one.
Rent-a-family?
You mean, these
people are actors?
I was afraid you recognized me.
You're not really married?
Oh, Lisa, I love you.
Well, uh, that explains a lot.
You were just fooled by a
great performance, honey.
Our company policy
remains unchanged.
We only hire family men.
Oh, well, uh... I
mean, I will be married.
I hope.
At least someone's
making out on this tub.
(theme music playing)
Brindemos, muchachos!
- Bravo!
- Salud!
- Salud!
- Salud.
- I am really...
- Con permiso, padre.
Por supuesto, Ramon.
You speak very fluent Spanish.
Well, I'm really happy
when all the voices are heard.
Muchas gracias
for fixing my lamp.
Oh, you're welcome,
Ramon It was my pleasure.
You could say that again.
- You got kids?
- Uh, no.
Ah, too bad. You
go good with kids.
Adios.
Adios.
Do you think it'll be Pepito?
Pepito is the one who
gets sick most of the time.
Hi.
Muy bien, Ramon.
When I was a kid, I
lived in an orphanage.
- Oh, sweetheart.
- Though I ran off.
Oh.
You know, if I had
people care for me
the way those people
care for those kids,
well, maybe I'd have
turned out different.
- It's never too late.
- Yes, it is.
Aw.
But I owe you this, Norma.
When you were in
that cabin with Gopher...
Yeah?
I was jealous.
Oh, Lou. Lou, could we?
No, no, no, no. It's
too late. Too late.
What good is money
and all my shopping
if I can't dress up
for the guy I love?
You know what our problem is?
We're both too damn selfish.
(soft music playing)
(drumroll)
Excuse me, muchacha,
muchachos, padre.
Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen, welcome.
I knew this was going to
be an extraordinary night.
I also know you didn't
come here to look at me.
So here... let me
introduce the one, the only,
the original Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders!
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Hey, did you see that?
Did you? She winked at me.
Yeah.
- Who is she?
- Who cares?
Tonight's the night
whoever she is.
I'll tell you who that
is. That's my daughter.
Our daughter.
Oh, how nice for all of you.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
(applause)
Bravo!
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
This evening is even
more than I had hoped for.
Tonight I applaud you,
each and every one of you,
for without your contributions,
the Acapulco Orphanage
just wouldn't be.
But because of you,
a lot of children will be
smiling for another year.
On behalf of all of them,
muchas gracias.
Captain.
I would like to donate
$250,000 to the orphanage.
Thank you. Thank you
from the bottom of my heart.
Uh, Captain, uh, please.
There's been a mistake.
My wife didn't mean to say that.
She meant to say, uh,
she meant to say $500,000.
Oh.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
You and your wife
are the type of people
that make this a
better world to live in.
Truly an extraordinary evening.
How do you top it?
Well, if anyone can, here
is the lady who can do it.
I am honored to
introduce our chairperson,
a star who is loved and
respected the world over,
the incomparable
Ms. Stella Logan!
(up-tempo music)
(up-tempo music continues)
(applause)
Love.
Love will keep us together.
Think of me babe whenever
Some sweet talkin'
gal comes along
singing her song
Don't mess around
You got to be strong just stop
'cause I really love you.
Stop I been thinkin' of you
Look in my heart and
let love keep us together
(up-tempo music)
You
You belong to me now
Ain't gonna set you free now
When some gal
starts hangin' around
Talkin' me down.
Hear with your heart,
and you won't hear a sound
Just stop
'cause I really love you Stop
I been thinkin' of you
Look in my heart and
let love keep us together
(up-tempo music plays)
Young and beautiful
but some day your
looks will be gone
When the others turn you
off who'll be turnin' you on?
I Will. I Will. I Will.
I will be with you forever.
Love will keep us together.
Said it before
and I'll say it again
I won't pretend
I need you now
and I need you then.
Just stop 'cause I
really love you Stop
I been thinkin' of you
Look in my heart and
let love keep us together
(up-tempo music playing)
Bravo!
(up-tempo music playing)
(theme music playing)
(Mexican music playing)
Oh, did I step on your toe?
No, I have a headache.
Can I get some aspirin
and bring it to you?
It's not that kind
of headache, Doc.
It's heartache headache.
I think I just some
some time alone.
Sure.
This is it.
She's leaving. Alone.
Does she look unhappy?
I haven't seen a face like that
since my absent minded aunt
put my uncle out and
went to bed with the cat.
That bad.
You'd better hurry.
I wouldn't want her
to be alone at the rail.
Thanks, for everything, Allie.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Good luck, Mark!
(sad music playing)
Hi...
just the girl I've
been looking for.
I need your help as a friend.
What's the problem?
Well, see, I'm a
little on the shy side.
To tell the truth, I'm in love
with one of the Cheerleaders
and I'm too bashful to tell her.
I was wondering if
you have any ideas?
Why ask me?
Because you're a woman.
I'm surprised you've
noticed recently.
Any suggestions?
Most women like the straight
ahead approach, Mark.
Be honest.
Just say, 'Allie, I love you'.
Allie..
I love you.
Just like that.
That's beautiful.
You'll make her very happy.
There's only one thing wrong.
What?
You see, her name's not Allie.
It's Stacy.
(soft music playing)
(theme music playing)
Stella.
Hey, Stella. Don't
go, please, please.
There's something that
I would like to tell you.
If they're anything
like the other remarks,
I'd rather not hear them.
Oh, darling. Those were
the ravings of an idiot
who'd had a beaker too many
and not enough character, but...
Ah... I saw the show tonight,
and... you really
are the best there is.
And well, I... I guess
it's confession time,
but I am the "young playwright"
whose work you said was banal,
inane and... uh... Trite?
Trite. Thank you.
And when you tore it apart...
ouch, it hurt so much
that for the first time
I realized how much pain
I have been dealing out.
Well, now that
you're confessing,
I might as well, too.
I knew it was your play.
I've read your reviews too long
not to recognize
that inimitable style.
And it's a wonderful play.
I said the things I did
because I wanted you
to have a taste of
your own medicine.
But I've had terrible
guilt feelings ever since.
Say that again.
I knew it was your play...
No, I mean, I want
to hear the part
where you said it's wonderful.
Well, it is.
And if you let
anybody else play it,
I'll never speak to you again.
You know what that
means, don't you?
Months of preparation.
Oh, months, of course.
And constant rehearsals.
Rehearsals, naturally.
We'll be together day and night.
Day and night continuously.
You think we can
stand each other?
Well, we haven't
had much practice.
I suggest we start now.
(romantic music playing)
(romantic music continues)
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Don't worry, Captain.
You'll have our check for
$500,000 as soon as we get home.
I'm not worried.
And thank you again.
Oh, don't thank us.
You did a lot more for
us than we did for you.
You know, you two
are really jewels.
Jewels.
-Is that funny? Jewels!
- You take good care of her.
- Oh, I will. You know that.
Oh, I hate to go.
- I love you.
- I love you, darling.
- I love you.
- Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.
- You take care.
Okay. Bye-bye.
In all my life, I don't
think I have ever been
surrounded by quite
so much beauty.
Wendy, the cheerleaders,
they're all beautiful.
I'm talking about you.
Oh, Bill.
Oh.
Well, I expect to
see you in the office
first thing Monday morning.
I'm sorry, sir.
We're going to be in Las
Vegas getting married.
Oh, I just love weddings.
They make me cry.
My baby.
I can't wait to meet
your real family.
You'll love them, but
you'll have to wait a while.
They're traveling
with the circus.
Circus? Hmm, that's a thought.
Those orphan kids
will never forget you.
Now, Stacy,
don't you ever let
Mark go again, okay?
Don't worry. The two of us are
going to be very happy together.
The two of you?
Hey, I mean, two's
company and three's a crowd,
but that's ridiculous.
I sure hate to see
you people leave.
Having you on board
was a great thrill.
Oh, it was that and more for us.
But you have to come back
or else I'll never get
another dancing lesson.
Well, I'll try, but
you don't need me.
You've got Captain
Stubing to teach you.
Besides, he's as
graceful as a gazelle.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh!
Are you sure you're all right?
On second thought,
I'll send you a book.
I taught him that.
Excuse me but, I just
heard the good news.
You two are going to
be working together.
Well, it may go down as
the first miracle on water
since the parting
of the Red Sea.
I know the show's
going to be a big hit.
We'll give it our best.
Should we ask
Captain Stubing now?
He is the right type.
He's perfect for the
part. If he's available.
Wait a second.
Do you mean...?
You want me to...?
I say we should
make him an offer.
I go along with that.
Well, I'm flattered, but,
well, I don't think so.
I mean, the show
could run for years...
and I've got my
job to think about.
This will only take
a few minutes.
What kind of a part is that?
Best man at our wedding.
Congratulations!
She did like
your play after all!
(theme music playing)
(theme music playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon we'll be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Excuse me, sir.
- Uh, Miss?
- Yes?
Miss, I'm, uh, Mr. Hayman.
I just came from my cabin,
and it's the wrong one.
And I'm his wife, and
I'm in the same cabin,
so mine must be wrong too.
Okay.
Well, um, don't worry.
I'll take care of everything
right after we sail,
but right now I have
to go out on deck
and welcome the Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders.
Excuse me.
Gee, that sounds like fun.
Let's go watch the cheerleaders.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Are you crazy?
Huh?
We have half a million
dollars in diamonds to find.
- Come on.
- Oh.
I've been neglecting
my reading for months.
I thought I'd start to catch up.
- Hey, me, too.
- Yeah.
This trip instead of
wasting my spare time,
I thought I'd improve my mind.
Ah, excuse me, please. One
side. Watch it. Coming through.
Hey, relax. Man,
relax. What is it?
Hey. Take it easy.
Do you mind,
guys. I just want...
Gopher, you're an
officer of the ship.
You're supposed
to conduct yourself
with the proper decorum.
- Would you please?
- Listen, Gopher.
How can you command respect
when you act like
an immature kid?
Sorry. I apologize.
- I accept it.
- Thank you.
Now, what is the big rush?
Nothing.
It's just that the Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders
are coming on board,
and I wanted to get a look.
Wait a minute!
(drumroll)
Ladies and gentlemen,
here they are.
Welcome aboard the Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders!
(up-tempo music playing)
(up-tempo music continues)
- Oh.
- Oh.
(up-tempo music continues)
Watch the professor.
Maybe you'll learn something.
Hi.
On behalf of the entire ship,
but especially myself,
welcome aboard.
Oh, I didn't expect to
find such a young Captain.
Well, actually,
I'm not a Captain.
Oh?
I'm the ship's doctor.
Well, my father's a doctor.
Oh.
Maybe you might know
him. He's about your age.
Nice going, professor.
Well, uh, if there's
anything I can do, just holler.
EVERYONE: Yeehaw!
Don't look now, Stacy.
Isn't that the guy who's been
chasing you all over Dallas?
Oh, no.
I guess he came to see you off.
Some guys just can't
take no for an answer.
Uh-oh.
Sherlock Holmes just
picked up your trail.
Hi. I'm Mark Scott.
We met in Dallas.
Did, uh, did Stacy Sherman
make the trip with you?
Stacy? Um, I don't see her.
Yeah.
Better tie your Shoelaces.
Hi, Stacy.
Oh, Mark. Hi.
Tying my Shoelaces.
It's nice of you to
come see me off.
Oh, I'm not seeing you off.
I'm coming.
Excuse us.
Look, Mark. I don't know
what you're trying to prove,
but there is nothing between us.
There never has been
anything between us,
and there never will
be anything between us.
Period.
- I understand.
- Good.
How about drinks on
Lido Deck in an hour?
- Now, Bill...
- Hmm?
At first, Wendy's liable
to be a little standoffish.
She might be a lot standoffish.
She never did approve
of the men I went with.
I've never seen you
quite so nervous.
Calm down. Everything's
going to be just fine.
I want you to get to know
each other really well.
Your wish, Memsahib,
is my command.
The sooner she gets to know you,
the sooner she'll
learn to love you.
Um-hmm.
And that will be two
of us that loves you.
- Um-hmm.
- Oh.
Um-hmm.
Listen, I got to go check in.
You wait right here? Don't
move. I'll be right back.
If you're missing,
I'll cut my throat!
(soft music playing)
Mom!
Wendy.
Oh.
Mom, about Bill...
Now, honey, give him a chance.
You'll like him.
I... I know you will.
Wait until you meet him.
He's kind and he's considerate.
He's got a cute sense of humor.
And he's romantic and...
And here he is.
This is Bill Kelly.
My daughter, Wendy.
BI... Oh Bill,
welcome to the family.
Listen, I have to check
in with the other girls,
but we'll get better
acquainted afterwards, okay?
Oh.
I'm amazed.
She actually sounded like
she was happy to meet you.
And I only had my
charm turned on low, too.
P.A. ANNOUNCER:
Attention all visitors.
Final call. Ten
minutes to sailing.
I've got to hand
it to you, Captain.
It's going to be a
wonderful show.
We“, thanks to you
and Mrs. Han-me“.
Without your support, there
wouldn't be this charity cruise
or an Acapulco Orphanage.
Well, the Hartnett Greeting
Card Company became successful
catering to those fortunate
enough to have families.
It's only right that we
remember those who don't.
Oh, speaking of families,
aren't we supposed to meet
your new vice
president and his family?
Yes. Paul Turner,
but I don't see him yet.
He's a fine young man
with a wonderful
family, so I understand.
- I can't wait to meet him.
- Yes.
Well, if you have any problems
on the cruise, let me know.
I'll see what I can do.
Captain,
I hear you have the smoothest
running ship in the fleet.
What could possibly go wrong?
Shh.
That's what the Captain
of the Titanic said.
Excuse me. Uh, my
name is Paul Turner,
and I was delayed at the office.
Uh, has my family arrived yet?
Yes, about ten minutes ago.
- They did?
- Yes.
Don't you remember two
ladies and a boy with brown hair?
Ah.
Brown hair?
That's, uh...
That's your son.
Right again. I have
a son with brown hair.
Would you mind
pointing him out to me?
Would you mind telling
me where my family is?
They're right over there.
That's... right.
Ah, yes. Thank you. Excuse me.
Are you folks from the
Glazer Talent Agency?
- Right.
- That's us.
Say, this isn't going to
be such a bad job after all.
You're cute.
Let's pretend like we
know each other, okay?
Hi, Mom. Oh, very nice, nice.
Ah...
My name is Paul
Turner, and you are...
Mabel Higgins.
I'm supposed to be
playing your mother.
Right. Right.
Would you like a
couple of beers?
No, thank you.
Some son you turned out to be.
Wait a minute.
How old are you? I
asked for a 12-year-old.
But I can fake being 12.
I'm Lola Leshay.
I'm playing your wife,
and I don't have to fake it.
Okay, that's great...
Too much, too much.
We“, you see ah...
Mr. Harms“ is my boss.
He insisted all his
employees be family men.
I wanted this job real badly,
so I lied on my application.
Anyway, everything
was going good and then
he asked us to take our
family on this trip, and...
Oh, we get the picture.
Welcome to the family, son.
Oh, mom and son, then.
Well, family. Let's
go family. Nice.
Oh.
Cabin "♪ two sixteen.
That's below decks, the
port side just aft of the beam.
Downstairs to your left.
Aft of the beam?
I'm going to be the world's
first 12-year-old girl Captain.
Has Miss Logan come aboard yet?
I haven't seen
her, Captain Merrill.
- Me neither, sir.
- Are you sure?
Sir!
Stella Logan is my all
time favorite movie actress.
If she came on
board, I would notice.
Well, I just want to be certain.
There is no way she can get
by without my recognizing her.
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
beauty mark on the right side.
It's not on the right
side. It's on the left side.
Uh, sir. Take my word
for it. It is on the right side.
- The left side.
- The right side.
The left side.
Madam, would you
keep out of this, please?
Sir, I know for a
fact it is on the right...
Originally, then she
went to Hollywood,
and they changed her name
and moved the beauty mark.
Come, Vicki, we have work to do.
Nice meeting you.
It's just the excitement
of seeing you, Ms. Logan.
He's not the only one
who feels that way.
I'm Captain Merrill
Stubing. Welcome aboard.
Captain Stubing, so
happy to meet you.
We were all thrilled
when you agreed
to be chairperson
for our charity cruise.
My only regret is you
won't be performing.
Well, there's just
been so much work
organizing the annual
drive for the orphanage.
Besides, I'm far too rusty.
Stella Logan? Never.
- Won't you reconsider?
- Some other time.
But it's awfully
nice to be asked.
Well, look like it's going
to be a wonderful cruise.
Maybe.
Stella, my dear!
What are you doing
here? Are you, um...
on vacation or hiding
out after your last picture?
Neither one.
Oh, uh, Captain Stubing,
this is, uh, Elliott Norman,
the renowned critic
and winner of this year’s
Idi Amin Humanitarian Award.
Everyone has
heard of Mr. Norman,
the critic who can kill a play
or career with a single world.
Captain, I sincerely hope
that you know more about the
sea than you do about the theater.
Yes.
Well, I, uh, will
be looking forward
to having both of you
at my table for dinner.
Oh, thank you very much.
Thank you, Captain.
You're very gracious.
Nice to be aboard.
Well, you've done it again.
You've been aboard 30 seconds
and already you've
insulted the Captain.
Part of my charm,
I think. Don't you?
Stella, now getting back to you.
That last film of yours...
How in the world did you pick
anything so utterly worthless?
I've had practice.
Or have you forgotten? I
was once engaged to you.
You never had it so good.
(horn blowing)
(theme music playing)
We got to get into the
same cabin we had last time,
and we've got to get
our hands on that lamp!
Ooh, I hope the
diamonds are still in it.
I love diamonds.
All right. All right. All
right. What about me?
Me love diamonds?
We should have smuggled
them off on the last trip.
Oh, didn't you see the dock
swarming with customs officials?
They were on to something.
We'd have paid
a fortune in duty.
Now, the heat's off.
Yeah, you're telling
me the heat's off.
Our marriage is as cold
as tomorrow's TV dinner.
Look...
We don't cut it
together anymore, okay?
So, let's get our hands on
the diamonds, divvy them up,
and we can each go our own way.
Huh?
Whatever you say.
(knock on door)
Come in.
Hi. I'm sorry I was so
abrupt with you earlier.
Oh, that's okay.
Look, uh, we took this
cruise a month ago,
and we specifically asked
for the same cabin again.
You know, out on the
Coral Deck, room 101.
Well, that's the problem.
You see, for the
past four weeks,
we've been expanding
our crew quarters,
and Coral 101 is
now Gopher's cabin.
- Gopher?
- Our Purser.
That's neat.
How do you train
an animal to do that?
Uh, no. You see, Gopher
is our Purser's nickname.
Oh.
I'm sorry I wasn't able
to help you with this,
but I'm sure you'll be
very happy in this cabin.
Is there anything else I can do?
Uh, no thanks.
That's quite alright.
How did you train
an animal to do that?
He's not an animal.
Didn't you hear?
It's the Purser's nickname.
Here you are.
Thank you very much.
Oh.
- No! No, no, no!
- Mmmm. Feels comfy.
Oh, up, up. Oh!
Up, up!
Oh, no.
Look, why don't you
and grandma go inside
and let me and
Daddy rest a bit, huh?
Oh, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no.
You see, uh, ooh.
Won't you share the room with,
uh, Mrs. Higgins and the boy?
I'll sleep here.
That's a good idea.
Look, I'm a method actress.
Don't you know what that means?
Yes, you're a good
one too, I know that.
It means that I have to
live the part I'm playing.
If I'm going to act
the part of your wife,
I've got to do all things
your wife would do!
- You do?
- I do.
Oh... we||...uh... Why don't
you try nagging instead?
Hey, listen.
If we're bunking
together, I got to warn you.
You snore, I kick. Got it?
How do I know I'm
snoring if I'm sleeping?
Better wear shin guards to bed.
(glass breaking)
An entire six pack.
Oh.
I can't take it!
Cute.
- Oh!
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Oh, I just ran out
of the room and...
- Sorry.
- Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm...
I didn't mean to bump into you.
Oh no. I bumped
into you. I just...
Yeah, I'm sorry. I...
My fault.
I'm really sorry.
No, no. I'm sorry. I'm
sorry. I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
Bye.
Wow.
I'm irresistible.
(theme music playing)
(up-tempo music playing)
(up-tempo music continues)
They're worth all the effort
we went through to get them.
They're fabulous.
Yeah. If we could
harness all that energy,
we wouldn't have to
worry about a fuel shortage.
And just think, this
is only a rehearsal.
(up-tempo music playing)
(up-tempo music continues)
I think I'm getting
too much sun.
I'm going to go back to
the cabin and take a nap.
Do you want to join me?
Oh, uh, why don't you run along?
I'll stay and keep
an eye on Wendy.
Okay.
Atta girl, Wendy!
(up-tempo music playing)
(clapping)
(up-tempo music playing)
Okay girls, that's it for now.
Thank you, thank you,
but you needn't applaud.
Just a simple reverent
bow would be quite enough.
Excuse me, but I think
I'd better get back to work.
I'll see you later.
Well, I think I'd better
get back to work too.
Oh, please, Stella. Not again.
I show up, and you leave.
Is that going to happen
all through the cruise?
I hope not.
I mean, I hope you're not
going to keep showing up.
I think I could get
used to this life.
Yeah. Too bad the Cowboys
can't play football on a ship.
I don't see your
friend Mark around.
I guess he got the hint.
Don't bet on it.
That guy never quits.
He's cute, Stacy.
Why don't you give him a chance?
Oh, he just doesn't
appeal to me.
There's no chemistry.
Maybe you're suffering
from a chemical imbalance.
No. There's just too much
going on in my life right now
for me to have time
to even think about
getting serious with
a man, especially him.
Hmm.
I'd like to set up
shop with your rejects.
Hey, that's a great idea.
You're my friends. Save my life.
All you have to do
is keep him occupied.
Keep him busy for
about three days.
That way he doesn't
have time to bother me.
Oh, please.
Come on. Please?
For you.
Isaac's best health food
drink. An egg, a banana...
Come on, Mark.
Let's see if you're as
handsome when you're wet.
I am, take my word for it.
Ah!
(theme music playing)
Oh, excuse me, Captain.
Are you very busy?
Oh, no. Thank you, Jim.
Excuse me, but uh, could I
have a moment of your time?
I realize that it's very
much off limits, but I...
I very much need your advice.
Oh, you want advice?
Strange, isn't it?
Especially coming from
someone who has spent his lifetime
telling other people what
they're doing is wrong.
Well, how can I help you?
Well, I'll make it brief.
I have written a musical,
and I think it's good.
So far, no problem.
Oh, big problem.
Uh, the leading role requires
an actress of enormous talent.
She must have
great warmth and wit,
be strong yet vulnerable,
glamorous yet real.
Well, in other
words, Stella Logan.
And she turned you down?
She doesn't even
know the play exists.
But I know that if I asked
her to read it, she'd refuse.
Because you wrote it?
Stella and I were once...
very much in love.
And when that ended,
I was very, very hurt
indeed and I was angry.
Perhaps unconsciously I looked
for flaws in her performance.
Maybe found some
that weren't even there.
And I wrote about them.
Oh, well, in that case,
I couldn't blame her
for turning you down.
I wish you luck.
I would stand a chance
if someone else
gave her the play,
said it was from some...
Oh, I don't know,
some young playwright.
Then she might read it.
Especially if that someone
were a person she respected,
trusted, looked up to...
Did you ever sell
refrigerators to Eskimos?
No. Air conditioners.
(theme music playing)
(soft music playing)
We gotta find that Gopher guy.
I'm getting nervous
about the lamp.
Relax.
Do you like my dress?
I bought it for the cruise.
- So what else is new?
- My shoes and purse.
Don't you ever get
tired of shopping?
Well, what else is there to do?
You're always out with the guys
or you're sitting in front of TV
watching football or baseball...
What's that other one?
The one with the sticks
and the skates and the ice?
It's hockey!
Are you sure?
Hey, Gopher.
Hey, there's our guy.
He's got the lamp.
You, uh...
think you can handle him? Huh?
Sure.
Besides, if I'm going
to be single again,
I better get used to it.
Anyway, there I was fresh out
of college with just a diploma.
Paul, you're monopolizing
the entire conversation.
I want to get to know
your family better.
The family would love to get
to know you better too, dear.
Oh. Fred.
- Son.
- Yes, Dad?
Clean up your act or swim home!
How about some dessert?
We haven't even
had the soup yet.
Right, that's right.
Well, we're all such
creatures of habit.
It's nice to change things
around now and then,
don't you think?
No, I don't think.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
The rest of the
girls aren't here yet,
but if you'd like I can
show you to your table.
Oh, thanks, Julie.
I'll wait for them here.
Okay, but watch
out for flying butter.
Who's he?
- Hi. Guess who.
- Mark.
Whoopee.
I reserved us an
intimate table for two.
Oh, I have to eat with
the rest of the girls, sorry.
I talked to your director
Suzanne, she said it's okay.
Mark, I told you.
There you are.
We've been looking
all over for you.
Well, I...
You're not trying to stand
us up for dinner, are you?
- Dinner?
- I thought you'd never ask.
We'd love to.
Hi... Does that mean
you're free for dinner?
If you don't mind eating
at an intimate table for two.
Well, actually I'd rather
be with a bunch of guys,
but what has to be, has to be.
Oh, I bet you're a
real heart breaker.
Moi?
I am very impressed
with you, Wendy.
You girls really work hard.
It's rigorous, but we've
got to stay in shape.
All this talk about exercise
is making me hungry.
Wendy, is that all
you're having? A salad?
When I was little, she had
to bully me to eat my greens.
That's not true. I
never bullied you.
I bribed you.
Here, have a little
taste of fettuccini.
There's not enough
room in my uniform
for a little fettuccini.
But it's just a mouthful.
Mother... I'm in training.
I do think Wendy knows
what's best for her.
All you need is
one look to tell that.
But there's no reason
you shouldn't eat,
you're not in training.
It was a very small part, but it
was my first Broadway show,
and I... I stood on the stage
and went absolutely blank.
Oh, that must have
been a horrible feeling.
Oh, the worst.
I couldn't remember
one single word.
I remember. I reviewed the show.
Oh, yes.
And you said, uh, my
performance was unforgettable.
Yeah, rather clever
of me, I thought.
Oh really?
I can't begin to tell
you how thrilled I was
to be the butt of one
of your little jokes.
Yes, well, uh,
speaking of plays,
uh, there's a
young writer I know
who learned that you
were coming on board,
and uh, he asked me if I
could get you to read his play.
He wrote it especially for you.
Oh, Captain.
Well, I'd love to, but uh...
Really, I have too
much work to do.
I'd be delighted
to read it, Captain.
Well, I mean, that is
if the young playwright
can take professional criticism.
No. I wouldn't put
anyone through that.
I'll read it.
You're very kind, Miss Logan.
I know how much
he'll appreciate it.
(theme music playing)
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
I don't know how they
remember all those different steps.
Disco is not that
hard. Want to try it?
The last new dance I
learned was a waltz.
You know, you really
hooked yourself up
with an old stick in the mud.
Lady,
I would rather waltz with you
than boogie with anyone else.
Oh.
Dipping is such fun.
How come you two
aren't out there dancing?
We're waiting for
the dipping music.
- What about you?
- Well, nobody's asked me.
I can remedy that right now.
- Would you care to boogie?
- I would love to.
And I promise you
the very first waltz.
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
- Would you excuse me?
- Sure.
- Excuse me.
- Why?
- Mark, let's dance.
- Sure.
I thought he'd never leave.
(disco music playing)
(disco music continues)
Excuse me.
Would you ask the
band to play a waltz?
A waltz? Sure.
Oh, it's on me.
I'm a Strauss freak.
(disco music playing)
(slurping)
Ah!
Knock it off!
Don't blame me. It's hereditary.
May I have another zombie?
No.
- A Cuba Libre?
- No.
- What about a Mai-Tai?
- Why do you drink so much?
It all started when Vivien Leigh
beat me out for
Gone with the Wind.
Hi, how's everybody
doing tonight?
Ooh, not bad, cutie.
How about yourself?
Uh, good. I'm fine.
I like sailors. I remember
once when the fleet was in...
- Ah... Ciao.
- Ahoy!
Stop it! I want you all
to behave yourselves!
(slurping)
Now, cut that out!
All right, you can have a...
- A what?
- Cup of coffee.
Oh, what a thrill.
Excuse me.
Anchors away.
Hi, Isaac.
Ah.
Can I have a...
Oh, wow!
An 'oh, wow'?
That's fantastic.
It was fantastic?
I don't even know
what I put in it.
Huh?
Make that a double.
Hey.
There's the Gopher.
Oh.
(applause)
Hi.
Good evening.
Well, not yet.
But it could be if I'm lucky.
I beg your pardon?
I've had my eye on you all day.
You're kidding?
Did anyone ever tell you
you're a very attractive man?
You know something?
This must be my night,
because that girl over
there, she just called me cutie.
Hmm?
Well, she has good taste,
but she'll never get you back.
Oh, are we leaving?
Bill is fabulous.
I could dance
with him all night.
You bring out the
teenager in me, young lady.
Looks like you need a
drink too. I'll order some.
- How about you, honey?
- How about a Geritol fizz?
I'll be right back.
Oh, Mom. Bill's
everything you said he was.
He really is perfect.
- Did I say that?
- Uh-huh.
All right. He's perfect, but
perfection isn't everything.
I'll bet he snores, or worst
yet cracks his knuckles,
and I know how you love that.
Did you notice his teeth?
I'll bet you he has caps.
When you love someone,
those things don't matter.
He's a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.
Oh, I admit it, you promised
you wouldn't say anything!
Well, for one more dance,
I'll forgive and forget.
Okay.
Pittsburgh, I'm awful sorry.
(disco music playing)
Here you are.
Thank you very much, Miss Logan.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- Hi.
And what is your name?
Vicki, and I've seen
every one of your movies.
- How old are you, Vicki?
- Twelve.
You must have seen
one a week since birth.
Thank you.
(applause)
Thank you. That's my bar tab.
You never were very
big tipper, were you?
Why did I have to run into
you on this cruise? Why?
Call it fate, Kismet...
Rotten luck?
Stella, darling,
seriously. Honestly...
Have you no feeling
for me left at all?
Yes.
My analyst calls it
deep-seated hatred.
Well, you're luckier than I am.
My analyst says I'm still
hopelessly in love with you.
Is it so unbelievable?
Oh, I know the classic
third act is 'boy gets girl, '
and you and I are beyond
the 'boy' and 'girl' stage but...
We still could have our
happy ending, you know.
- Elliot...
- Oh, I know...
I've written some rotten
things about you in the past,
but dear, you must
learn the difference
between the personal
and the professional.
For instance, I have
a friend who has
this beautiful
thoroughbred horse,
an exquisite animal,
perfectly wonderful but...
I doubt if I'd bet on him.
The friend of mine said
that he couldn't win a
race if his tail were on fire.
Is that what you're
comparing me to? A horse?
- Oh, that's a bad analogy, but...
- So that's what I am?
A horse that can't
run with his tail on fire?
Oh, darling, I...
I'd like to see
your tail on fire.
As a matter of fact, I'd
like to strike the match.
(sad music playing)
(theme music playing)
- You're so handsome.
- Thank you.
I can't wait to see your cabin.
Uh, right. Well, actually,
it's not much of a cabin.
We'd, uh, we'd probably be
more comfortable in yours.
Oh, no. I mean...
I mean, going to your
cabin makes me feel...
much more romantic.
On second thought,
you'll probably love it.
Hmm.
(soft music playing)
Look, if you'd rather
go to your cabin...
Oh, no, no.
This has everything,
everything I could ever want.
Oh.
Oh, don't you want
to go freshen up first?
- Freshen up?
- Uh.
Right, I was just going to.
Sorry to be so long...
Oh, did you have
a problem with that?
Here, maybe the bulb's loose.
Oh, it's beautiful.
So are you.
Very unusual.
Yeah, they're only two like it.
- Two?
- Yeah.
Oh, you're lucky to have a pair.
- Oh, I only have one left.
- Oh...
Yeah, I swapped it with Isaac.
- Isaac?
- For this.
Yeah it's much better
for reading in bed,
and other things.
- I'm bushed.
- Me too!
Oh.
Oh.
Well, thanks for
a lovely evening.
What? What, wait.
If you like, we can just use
that for reading, you know?
Wait.
Keep in touch.
(theme music playing)
P.A. ANNOUNCER
Welcome to Puerto Vallarta.
The temperature is a
glorious 80 degrees.
Have a nice day.
- All set?
- Be ready in a minute.
I'm writing Suzanne a note
so she'll know where I'm going.
Wendy, this is very sweet
of you, but you shouldn't.
I want to do it. It's
my gift to both of you.
Look, how often does
a girl get a chance
to buy wedding rings
for her mother and father?
Oh, I know she's
going to love it.
And so will I. You're terrific.
Are you sure mother
will be sleeping late?
Well, with the way she
was dancing last night,
her legs won't
wake up until noon.
Good. We'll be back before
she knows we're gone.
I can't wait to see her
face when we surprise her.
- This is for Suzanne Mitchell.
- Thank you.
(theme music playing)
Forty-seven, 48...
Forty-nine...
Fifty, 51...
Fifty-two, 53,
54... Fifty-five, 56...
You guys act like you've
never seen a woman before.
Oh, those aren't just women.
Those are works of art.
Works of art?
I think you all ought to
have your heads examined.
I don't care if my head's
broken as long as my eyes work.
I think they're
falling for me man.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, look at how
hard they're breathing.
Oh, really.
Hey, isn't that Roger Staubach,
the Dallas quarterback?
Where?
You'll excuse me.
CHEERLEADERS: 74...
You see the two
guys with the Gopher?
The one with the
specks is the doctor,
but the other one is Isaac.
He's the one that's
got our lamp now.
How are we going
to get into his room?
Leave that to me. Duck soup.
No thanks. I just had breakfast.
Eighty-three, 84...
- Hi, Stacy.
- Hi.
Hi, are you one of the
new cheerleaders now?
No, they said I don't
have the legs for it.
Mark taught us this routine.
We may use it in a show.
Okay if I join you?
Sure, if you think you
can keep us with us.
Try it.
Ninety-four, 95...
Ninety-six, 97...
Ninety-eight... 99,
100... Okay. That's it.
- Not you, Stacy.
- Right.
You keep going to 93,
that's where you came in.
Let's all count for her.
One, two... That's good.
Now keep counting.
Four...
Five.
All right, everybody Let's
go get a tall, cool drink.
That looks good, Stacy.
Bye, Stacy.
- Seven...
- Bye-bye.
Eight...
Nine...
Ten...
Eleven...
- Twelve...
- Keep going.
Thirteen... Fourteen...
Fifteen... What are you reading?
The Making of the President.
Sounds like hot stuff.
Can I read it when
you're finished?
Yeah, sure.
(soft music playing)
You're sure a
fast reader, honey.
Miss? Please don't get up.
And don't interrupt me
for the next 30 seconds.
My name is Paul Turner,
and I'm single, and
I'm in good health,
I don't have any
scars or disability,
and well, I'm a college
graduate and have a good job,
and I saved a couple of dollars.
I got a great record collection.
I'm madly in love with you.
- I'm sorry. You must think I'm...
- Wonderful.
I knew you would say that.
What did you say?
I said I think you're wonderful.
- Do you mean that?
- Um-hmm.
Would you have
dinner with me tonight?
Oh, yes. I'd love to.
- You would?
- Uh-huh.
That's nice. That's
great and nice.
What's the matter?
Sorry, honey. Can't have
dinner with you tonight.
Oh.
Oh, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Do you see that
family over there?
Well, they're friends of mine
from the old neighborhood,
and they're kind of poor. I
said I would look after them.
Maybe, uh, maybe we
can meet after dinner?
You're not only wonderful,
you're a good person too.
Yes. After dinner, here on deck.
It's a date.
Oh, I've got to run.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
This is exciting.
You know, I've been
doing a little writing myself.
Oh yeah?
I never thought anyone
would write a book about me.
My publisher will love it.
I've written three
books about bartenders,
each one a best seller.
Oh.
So, uh, tell me some
more about your life, huh?
Well, once the President
of the United States
came into the bar
while I was working.
- You want to hear about that?
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, now the President...
I'll tell you which
one in a minute...
He walked right over to me,
but before I could order,
two guys rush in, guns drawn.
Say, uh, don't you
want to write this down?
Oh yeah, yeah.
Say, haven't you got
any better light in here?
You know, my
eyes aren't so great.
No. Sorry.
Anyway, the President
jumped over the bar.
You know what you need in here?
You need a nice lamp.
You know, maybe something
with sort of a sailor flavor.
That's right. My lamp.
Oh, I had one, but
I loaned it to Doc
while he was getting
his cabin redecorated.
Oh.
Oh, well that should do it.
This book will be dynamite.
But I'm right in the
middle of a story.
Oh, that's great.
Always leave the readers
wanting something more.
- I always end my books that way.
- In the middle of a story?
Yeah. Then I start the next
book with the end of that story.
It's a writer's trick, huh?
I wonder why Charles
Dickens never did that.
Hey, it's never too late.
Tell your friend
Charlie to try it, huh?
(theme music playing)
(up-tempo music playing)
Marvelous.
Great, fellas. If
you do this this swell
tomorrow night,
you'll be a smash!
- Thanks. Good evening.
- Okay. Thanks.
Well, hello.
Gosh, I'd give anything to
be able to tap dance like you.
Well, you can. It's
really very easy.
- Really?
- Um-hmm.
Well, of course. Tap
dancing just looks hard.
You know, the Captain is right.
Why don't you show
us a couple of steps?
- Me?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, no. I... I don't think so.
I mean, it's been a long time.
You wouldn't mind then if I, uh,
gave you a couple of pointers?
- Would you really?
- I'd love to.
Would it be all right
if I just watched?
Oh no. No, siree.
You're going to join this group.
(piano music playing)
(piano music continues)
- You did it! You did it!
- Thank you very much.
How about that? With
only just one lesson.
- Very impressive.
- You really think so?
Well, I would...
Lesson number two,
don't look for criticism.
You'll get plenty
without asking.
I was only about to suggest
lemonade for the
entire corps de ballet.
If that includes me, super!
I think this is a
good time for me
to read that new
play you mentioned.
I pass.
Sorry.
My loss. Shall we?
You've made her entire year.
She's a wonderful girl.
You'd make mine if you'd
appear in the show tomorrow.
Well, you're wonderful too.
But you'll have a good
enough year without me.
(theme music playing)
Excuse me.
Aren't you Miss Mitchell,
the cheerleader's director?
Yes.
I'm trying to locate my
daughter, Wendy Ames.
Mrs. Ames, I heard
you were on board.
So nice to meet you.
Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Uh, I know Wendy's not
supposed to eat much,
but she hasn't shown up
for either breakfast or lunch.
Well, she told me she was
taking a quick run into town.
She wrote me a note.
She said she'd be
back anytime now.
I wouldn't worry, Mrs. Ames.
Wendy's in good
hands. She's with Bill.
Oh.
So that's where he is.
Please marry me, Lisa.
I love you more
than words can say.
You're on my thoughts
all night and day.
Well, Turner.
This is the first time I've
seen you without your family.
Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Harms“.
Uh, family, yes.
Uh, well they're taking a nap.
Snack. They're having a snap.
Marry me, Lisa. I love you?
Oh yes. Uh...
Oh, uh, well that's a new idea
in greeting cards, personalized.
Oh. Not bad.
Uh, might create an
inventory problem.
But we're on vacation.
We'll talk about that
when we get back.
Go to your family.
I will, I do, Mr. Hartnett.
If you will...
Imagine, working on vacation.
Can I pick employees
or can I pick employees?
- You can pick 'em.
- That's what I said.
- I can pick 'em.
- You can pick 'em.
Yes, I can pick 'em.
It was very sweet of you
to come here, Miss Logan.
Well, I know the
next couple of days
are going to be rather hectic,
so I just wanted
all of you girls
to know how much I've
enjoyed working with you.
That goes double for all of us.
- Well, Stacy.
- Miss Logan.
The girls will fill
you in on the details,
but basically I just
came to say thank you.
Are you all right, Stacy?
Yes. Fine. Perfect.
Well...
If you need me...
Thanks, Miss Logan.
You sure you're okay, Stacy?
Yes. Couldn't be better.
Listen, you guys have been great
the way you've taken
Mark off my hands.
Oh, no problem.
It's probably ruining
the trip for you.
Maybe I should spend
some time with him.
Don't be silly. He's
good company.
Besides, what are friends for?
Thanks. Where's Ali?
She's out for a
stroll with Mark.
Ah, so you're taking
turns with him?
No.
Ali's taking all the turns now.
(soft music playing)
- Uh, excuse me.
- Yes, ma'am.
I saw you talk to my
daughter last night.
I wonder if you happen
to have seen her in town?
- Uh...
- Uh, Wendy.
- She has kind short brown hair.
- Wendy, right.
The Dallas Cowboys
Cheerleader. Right.
Yeah. I did see her
in town with a man.
And I think you're
going to lose a daughter.
They were trying
on wedding rings.
Mom!
Ah.
Sorry. We kind of got way late.
I'm afraid our quick
cab ride into town
turned into one cab ride,
two buses... no, three buses,
and a very undignified
donkey ride.
I'm beginning to think
that I'm the donkey.
Oh, we didn't mean to upset you.
We just couldn't help it.
I understand.
She doesn't
understand the half of it.
(theme music playing)
Hey, good. There's the Doc.
Now trap him in the elevator
and remember, he's
the only thing standing
between us and
half a million dollars.
So do your stuff, baby, huh?
Someday,
somebody's going to
like me just for myself.
(seductive music playing)
Well, hi.
Which deck, please?
The one where the
doctor is, please.
Oh, I'm the doctor.
Sounds like you're coming
down with something.
I think it's just a
frog in my throat.
Well, nobody ever
croaked from that.
Little medical humor.
Oh.
That's my favorite kind,
next to funeral jokes.
Why don't we go to my office,
and I can take a look at you?
Thank you.
It'll only take a second.
Oh, take as much
time as you like.
I have no plans for the evening.
Did anyone ever tell you
you're a very attractive man?
Well, yes, quite a few times.
Really?
I mean, I can really
understand that.
Would you pass me the salt?
Want to pass me the salt!
Would you pass me
the butter, please?
Oh, thank you.
I got a great idea.
Afterwards, we can all go
to a phone booth for dessert.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
If you behaved yourself, we
wouldn't have to eat in here.
You keep this up, it's
going to cost me my job.
- Nah, horse feathers.
- Horse feathers?
I read a book once.
Whatever.
I do not want you speaking
to your father like that.
He's not my father.
I know that.
I was only practicing
my character.
How was I?
You have warmth up
to your eyeballs, honey.
Ellen, let's go to dinner.
I'm not hungry. You
go on without me.
You all right?
I'm fine.
I'm just tired.
I'm going to bed.
But...
I'm sure you and Wendy
can carry on without me.
Are you sure you're all right?
Good night, Bill.
Good night.
(theme music playing)
Well, now, Miss... Norma.
You see, you can't be too
sick. You remember your name.
I just love medical humor.
Uh, it seems dark in here.
Are you sure you have
enough light to examine me?
Yeah, uh, plenty.
Now, let's take a
look at those throats.
I... I mean throat.
I'm sure you'll make
me feel a lot better.
Well, I hope so.
Say ah.
Ah.
Now you'll have to open your
mouth for me to examine you.
Is, uh, is that your
bedroom in there?
Could you maybe
examine me in there?
Examination rooms
make me nervous.
Well, the patient,
like the customer,
is always right.
Lovely room.
Well, thanks.
Julie helped me decorate.
Yes. It has a woman's touch.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What I meant was, well,
if I had decorated
it, I would have, uh...
Well, take that lamp there,
I would have picked
something more manly,
like something to go with
your rugged personality,
like something
with a ship motif.
I told Julie.
I had one just like
that, but she took it out.
She said it looked awful.
Oh.
Look, if you don't like
this one, I'll get rid of it.
I'll put it in my waiting room.
Oh!
What is it?
My throat... it's all better.
You're the best.
I'd like to thank the academy,
but especially Miss Julie McCoy
without whose help this could
have been a memorable evening.
(theme music playing)
What are you writing?
Well, I wrote down the
day, the date and the time.
What for?
Well, when our grandchildren
come and they say,
"When did you first
kiss grandmommy?"
Well I'll have the,
uh, exact answer.
Oh, Paul.
I love you, Lisa.
I love you, Paul.
I hate to leave you.
Leave? You can't leave.
I have to. We have a curfew.
I mean, can't you stay
a couple of minutes?
- I can't.
- No, no. Don't go now.
Well... just a
little while longer.
(soft music playing)
Ah, well.
That's well enough. Night night.
But Paul.
I love you too much to get
you in trouble. Nice talking.
Good night.
Not bad. While we're
cooped up in the cabin
you're playing games
with a cheerleader.
The wife's always the last
to know... a cheerleader.
Give me a K, give me
an I, give me an S...
I'll tell you what
I'm gonna give you.
Well! Together as always, I see.
Uh... l was just teaching my
son how to throw a knuckle baller.
Ah, wonderful.
Yes.
Should have been here a
second ago to see the curves.
Listen to Dad. He knows.
Seeing a family like yours
gives me a feeling right here.
It does me too. Right here.
Don't ever lose them.
Now where were we?
Oh, nothing like a
hot bath before bed.
You were in there long
enough to get webbed feet.
(knock on door)
Only me, girls, bed check.
All the beds are here.
Jan, Paula, Stacy. Where's Ali?
Ooh, when she awakes, be
sure and tell her good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
She looks like she's
out for the duration.
Out is right.
With Mark, in the moonlight.
(soft music playing)
(knock on door)
- Stella?
- Elliott.
I need to talk to you.
Is it too late?
Of course not. Come in.
Thank you.
I, uh, have nothing to offer
you here except myself.
Care to have any?
No, thank you.
- I'm still allergic.
- Aw, pity.
- Well, sit down, please.
- Thank you.
I was reluctant to come here
because you're probably
the wrong person to ask,
but uh, what I need to
know is how would you...
That is, if you wanted
to spare an artist's feelings
if you didn't like their work?
Now, where is it
written that one has to?
Criticism to have any meaning
at all must be totally honest,
truth as the critic sees it.
That's his job.
And if the truth
hurts once in awhile,
well, then the artist must
just learn to live with it.
I see.
Why did you want to
know? You're having trouble
with somebody in the
show for tomorrow night?
Oh, no. This has, uh, to do
with that young playwright,
uh, friend of Captain Stubing's.
I just read his play,
and it is horrendous.
What?
It's banal, inane, trite.
The characters are cardboard.
The plot is ludicrous.
The dialogue is child-like.
It is the worst piece of
trash I have ever read.
What do I say to
Captain Stubing?
Hmm?
Captain Stubing.
Uh, well as I said,
be totally honest.
My instinct was to be...
compassionate.
Well, I guess that's why
we have critics like you
to protect audiences
from such garbage.
Thanks, Elliott.
Good night.
Good night.
Garbage then.
I'm stupid.
(mumbling)
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Mother!
Please, I left the ship
to avoid this scene.
Look, I've lost a daughter,
and I've lost a fiancé.
At least leave me my dignity.
To think that I was afraid
you wouldn't like Bill.
Well, I know men your
age prefer young girls,
I mean, I accept that as
a fact of life. I understand.
What in the hell are
you talking about?
Oh, Wendy's a Dallas
Cowboy Cheerleader.
She's beautiful.
I understand that. You'd
be a fool not to love her.
Well, of course I love Wendy.
As a daughter.
Since when do you buy
daughter's wedding rings?
That's right, somebody saw you.
I didn't buy any wedding
rings. Wendy did.
For you two.
That's your wedding present.
I love you, Ellen.
You.
"Come, my love,
grow old with me...
The best is yet to be."
Oh, Bill.
Oh, sweet baby.
(theme music playing)
(piano music playing)
♪ Don't put your
daughter On the stage ♪
♪ Mrs. Worthington ♪
♪ Don't put your
daughter On the stage ♪
♪ Though they said
At the school of acting ♪
♪ She'd be lovely as Peer Gynt ♪
♪ I'm afraid, on the
whole, An ingenue role ♪
♪ Would emphasize her squint ♪
♪ She's a big girl ♪
♪ And though her
teeth Are fairly good ♪
♪ She's not the type I'd ever
Would be eager to engage ♪
♪ No more buts,
Mrs. Worthington ♪
♪ Nuts! Mrs. Worthington ♪
♪ Don't put your
daughter On the stage ♪
Don't.
Now, Isaac, my friend, tell me.
In all of your
lifelong experience,
how many drinks does it take
the average man to get blotto?
Oh, four or five.
Well, as I've always considered
myself above the average,
you'd better leave
the whole bottle.
Hmm.
Certainly.
There you are.
Do you know that I
have been looking
all over for you
the whole daylong?
Be still my foolish heart.
Oh my dear.
I, uh, regret being so harsh
with that young
playwright last night.
Oh, please. Don't...
don't apologize to me.
You didn't like the play.
That's your prerogative.
- It means nothing to me.
- Oh?
Have you ever thought
of why you didn't like it?
Could it be that you're
afraid to do a play now?
Any play?
Between you and me,
you have been getting away
with murder for years, Stella.
You know I love you very,
very, very much indeed.
But you are a very
limited performer.
I choose to ignore
those remarks.
Of course you do.
The ability to avoid reality
is a very special talent.
Elliott, you have been drinking.
And now something
new has been added.
Insight.
Oh, Elliott.
Why don't you stick
to organizing charities?
You do that very well.
Oh, Elliott, this is ridiculous.
- Oh, Captain Stubing.
- Yes.
Uh, do you remember the request
you made to me the other day,
when I first came aboard ship?
Oh, you mean about
appearing in the show tonight?
Yes! Well, I've decided
to take you up on that.
Oh.
(theme music playing)
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
I haven't seen you all day.
Can we talk for a minute?
Yeah, for a minute.
I don't want to be late. I
have an early dinner with Ali.
Oh.
You know, well, you know,
it's the last night on the ship,
and I'm trying to squeeze
in every minute I can.
I don't blame you.
Ali's a sensational girl.
She is. She's terrific.
But I have to
thank you for that.
I never would have met
her if it hadn't been for you.
I know.
I mean, I know.
Well, they're all terrific.
Missy, Jan, Liz,
Paula. All of 'em.
I'm sorry. I'm
doing all the talking.
You wanted to talk to me.
Go ahead.
Um, it was really nothing.
I just wanted to make sure
you're having a good time.
Couldn't be better.
That's really sweet of you
to be so concerned about me.
See you later.
I know how you feel.
I've been around a
lot longer than you,
and he fooled me too.
The best thing you can do
is to forget him and his family.
|'|| try.
Darling. Mr. Hartnett.
I mean, darling
and Mr. Hartnett.
There's something
I got to say to you.
Don't listen to him.
We're not interested in
anything he has to say.
Well, you're going to listen
whether you're
interested or not.
First of all, I'll admit
that I was wrong.
And I'm sorry I lied
when I said I was married,
and I had a family
I just knew you wouldn't
hire me in your company.
I mean...
I thought once you saw
my work, it wouldn't matter.
And when you insisted I
take my family on this trip,
I did even a dumber thing.
I went to a theatrical
agent and I hired one.
Rent-a-family?
You mean, these
people are actors?
I was afraid you recognized me.
You're not really married?
Oh, Lisa, I love you.
Well, uh, that explains a lot.
You were just fooled by a
great performance, honey.
Our company policy
remains unchanged.
We only hire family men.
Oh, well, uh... I
mean, I will be married.
I hope.
At least someone's
making out on this tub.
(theme music playing)
Brindemos, muchachos!
- Bravo!
- Salud!
- Salud!
- Salud.
- I am really...
- Con permiso, padre.
Por supuesto, Ramon.
You speak very fluent Spanish.
Well, I'm really happy
when all the voices are heard.
Muchas gracias
for fixing my lamp.
Oh, you're welcome,
Ramon It was my pleasure.
You could say that again.
- You got kids?
- Uh, no.
Ah, too bad. You
go good with kids.
Adios.
Adios.
Do you think it'll be Pepito?
Pepito is the one who
gets sick most of the time.
Hi.
Muy bien, Ramon.
When I was a kid, I
lived in an orphanage.
- Oh, sweetheart.
- Though I ran off.
Oh.
You know, if I had
people care for me
the way those people
care for those kids,
well, maybe I'd have
turned out different.
- It's never too late.
- Yes, it is.
Aw.
But I owe you this, Norma.
When you were in
that cabin with Gopher...
Yeah?
I was jealous.
Oh, Lou. Lou, could we?
No, no, no, no. It's
too late. Too late.
What good is money
and all my shopping
if I can't dress up
for the guy I love?
You know what our problem is?
We're both too damn selfish.
(soft music playing)
(drumroll)
Excuse me, muchacha,
muchachos, padre.
Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen, welcome.
I knew this was going to
be an extraordinary night.
I also know you didn't
come here to look at me.
So here... let me
introduce the one, the only,
the original Dallas
Cowboys Cheerleaders!
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Hey, did you see that?
Did you? She winked at me.
Yeah.
- Who is she?
- Who cares?
Tonight's the night
whoever she is.
I'll tell you who that
is. That's my daughter.
Our daughter.
Oh, how nice for all of you.
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
(applause)
Bravo!
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
This evening is even
more than I had hoped for.
Tonight I applaud you,
each and every one of you,
for without your contributions,
the Acapulco Orphanage
just wouldn't be.
But because of you,
a lot of children will be
smiling for another year.
On behalf of all of them,
muchas gracias.
Captain.
I would like to donate
$250,000 to the orphanage.
Thank you. Thank you
from the bottom of my heart.
Uh, Captain, uh, please.
There's been a mistake.
My wife didn't mean to say that.
She meant to say, uh,
she meant to say $500,000.
Oh.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
You and your wife
are the type of people
that make this a
better world to live in.
Truly an extraordinary evening.
How do you top it?
Well, if anyone can, here
is the lady who can do it.
I am honored to
introduce our chairperson,
a star who is loved and
respected the world over,
the incomparable
Ms. Stella Logan!
(up-tempo music)
(up-tempo music continues)
(applause)
Love.
Love will keep us together.
Think of me babe whenever
Some sweet talkin'
gal comes along
singing her song
Don't mess around
You got to be strong just stop
'cause I really love you.
Stop I been thinkin' of you
Look in my heart and
let love keep us together
(up-tempo music)
You
You belong to me now
Ain't gonna set you free now
When some gal
starts hangin' around
Talkin' me down.
Hear with your heart,
and you won't hear a sound
Just stop
'cause I really love you Stop
I been thinkin' of you
Look in my heart and
let love keep us together
(up-tempo music plays)
Young and beautiful
but some day your
looks will be gone
When the others turn you
off who'll be turnin' you on?
I Will. I Will. I Will.
I will be with you forever.
Love will keep us together.
Said it before
and I'll say it again
I won't pretend
I need you now
and I need you then.
Just stop 'cause I
really love you Stop
I been thinkin' of you
Look in my heart and
let love keep us together
(up-tempo music playing)
Bravo!
(up-tempo music playing)
(theme music playing)
(Mexican music playing)
Oh, did I step on your toe?
No, I have a headache.
Can I get some aspirin
and bring it to you?
It's not that kind
of headache, Doc.
It's heartache headache.
I think I just some
some time alone.
Sure.
This is it.
She's leaving. Alone.
Does she look unhappy?
I haven't seen a face like that
since my absent minded aunt
put my uncle out and
went to bed with the cat.
That bad.
You'd better hurry.
I wouldn't want her
to be alone at the rail.
Thanks, for everything, Allie.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
Good luck, Mark!
(sad music playing)
Hi...
just the girl I've
been looking for.
I need your help as a friend.
What's the problem?
Well, see, I'm a
little on the shy side.
To tell the truth, I'm in love
with one of the Cheerleaders
and I'm too bashful to tell her.
I was wondering if
you have any ideas?
Why ask me?
Because you're a woman.
I'm surprised you've
noticed recently.
Any suggestions?
Most women like the straight
ahead approach, Mark.
Be honest.
Just say, 'Allie, I love you'.
Allie..
I love you.
Just like that.
That's beautiful.
You'll make her very happy.
There's only one thing wrong.
What?
You see, her name's not Allie.
It's Stacy.
(soft music playing)
(theme music playing)
Stella.
Hey, Stella. Don't
go, please, please.
There's something that
I would like to tell you.
If they're anything
like the other remarks,
I'd rather not hear them.
Oh, darling. Those were
the ravings of an idiot
who'd had a beaker too many
and not enough character, but...
Ah... I saw the show tonight,
and... you really
are the best there is.
And well, I... I guess
it's confession time,
but I am the "young playwright"
whose work you said was banal,
inane and... uh... Trite?
Trite. Thank you.
And when you tore it apart...
ouch, it hurt so much
that for the first time
I realized how much pain
I have been dealing out.
Well, now that
you're confessing,
I might as well, too.
I knew it was your play.
I've read your reviews too long
not to recognize
that inimitable style.
And it's a wonderful play.
I said the things I did
because I wanted you
to have a taste of
your own medicine.
But I've had terrible
guilt feelings ever since.
Say that again.
I knew it was your play...
No, I mean, I want
to hear the part
where you said it's wonderful.
Well, it is.
And if you let
anybody else play it,
I'll never speak to you again.
You know what that
means, don't you?
Months of preparation.
Oh, months, of course.
And constant rehearsals.
Rehearsals, naturally.
We'll be together day and night.
Day and night continuously.
You think we can
stand each other?
Well, we haven't
had much practice.
I suggest we start now.
(romantic music playing)
(romantic music continues)
(theme music playing)
(theme music continues)
Don't worry, Captain.
You'll have our check for
$500,000 as soon as we get home.
I'm not worried.
And thank you again.
Oh, don't thank us.
You did a lot more for
us than we did for you.
You know, you two
are really jewels.
Jewels.
-Is that funny? Jewels!
- You take good care of her.
- Oh, I will. You know that.
Oh, I hate to go.
- I love you.
- I love you, darling.
- I love you.
- Goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.
- You take care.
Okay. Bye-bye.
In all my life, I don't
think I have ever been
surrounded by quite
so much beauty.
Wendy, the cheerleaders,
they're all beautiful.
I'm talking about you.
Oh, Bill.
Oh.
Well, I expect to
see you in the office
first thing Monday morning.
I'm sorry, sir.
We're going to be in Las
Vegas getting married.
Oh, I just love weddings.
They make me cry.
My baby.
I can't wait to meet
your real family.
You'll love them, but
you'll have to wait a while.
They're traveling
with the circus.
Circus? Hmm, that's a thought.
Those orphan kids
will never forget you.
Now, Stacy,
don't you ever let
Mark go again, okay?
Don't worry. The two of us are
going to be very happy together.
The two of you?
Hey, I mean, two's
company and three's a crowd,
but that's ridiculous.
I sure hate to see
you people leave.
Having you on board
was a great thrill.
Oh, it was that and more for us.
But you have to come back
or else I'll never get
another dancing lesson.
Well, I'll try, but
you don't need me.
You've got Captain
Stubing to teach you.
Besides, he's as
graceful as a gazelle.
- Oh, oh.
- Oh!
Are you sure you're all right?
On second thought,
I'll send you a book.
I taught him that.
Excuse me but, I just
heard the good news.
You two are going to
be working together.
Well, it may go down as
the first miracle on water
since the parting
of the Red Sea.
I know the show's
going to be a big hit.
We'll give it our best.
Should we ask
Captain Stubing now?
He is the right type.
He's perfect for the
part. If he's available.
Wait a second.
Do you mean...?
You want me to...?
I say we should
make him an offer.
I go along with that.
Well, I'm flattered, but,
well, I don't think so.
I mean, the show
could run for years...
and I've got my
job to think about.
This will only take
a few minutes.
What kind of a part is that?
Best man at our wedding.
Congratulations!
She did like
your play after all!
(theme music playing)
(theme music playing)