The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 8 - A Time for Everything/The Song Is Ended/Accidental Cruise/Anoushka - full transcript

(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( majestic theme playing)

Mm.

I told the captain to stay
out of those kinky bars.

STUBING: Oh,
right this way, please.



Allow me to introduce
you to some of my staff.

(speaking Russian)

How do you do?

I'm Julie McCoy, how do you do?

Your function, please?

Miss McCoy is
our cruise director.

Ah.

Uh, Burl Smith.

The function, yeoman purser.

Call me Gopher.

Gopher is small rodent.

Makes burrows, yes?

That's him.

Oh, it's joke.

Yes, uh, I'm Isaac
Washington, chief bartender.

Adam Bricker, Miss Mishancov.

So nice to meet
you... Your function?

Uh, ship's doctor.

Could we possibly inquire

as to what your
function might be?

Uh, Miss Mishancov's
function, Dr. Bricker,

is connoisseur of cruise vessels

for the Soviet Union.

Oh, really? Oh, that's great.

Our state department
has invited the connoisseur

to sail aboard the Princess
to observe our procedures.

Uh, we were expecting a
gentleman to accompany you,

you know, as a liaison
to show you around,

explain the technicalities.

He fell down with pneumonia,

as weak Western constitution.

I sail alone.

I'm sorry. I'll find
you someone.

He will do it.

(snickers)

(all laugh)

Oh, that's not fair.

There's gonna be a
boatload of gorgeous girls.

I get stuck with
Ivan the Terrible?

Well, make the best of it.

You can always pretend
that you're Melvyn Douglas

and she's Greta Garbo.

Well, too bad she isn't.

Greta Garbo wanted to be alone.

( upbeat theme playing)

WOMAN: Hello. MAN
1: Welcome aboard.

MAN 2: Hi, welcome
aboard. WOMAN: Hi.

Hi.

JULIE: Right through
there, you've got it.

Bert Buchanan.

Yeah.

Terrific songwriter.

That too.

Listen, I'll do the
others later, okay?

All right. Thank
you, I'll do them.

Hello. Hello.

Hi.

Is he with anybody?

Not yet.

Son of a gun, she's
stealing my act.

Oh, no.

Charlie, I think I left an egg

boiling on the stove.

Philadelphia, we've
been gone for three days.

Yes, I know. What do you think?

I think it's probably done.

Oh, Charlie, you're a big help.

You know, June, in the 14
years since we've been married,

we've had one
business, two houses,

three lovely children

and we've consumed
thousands of eggs.

And you know,

this is the first vacation
we've ever had alone.

And this cruise is gonna
be just for you and me.

Come on.

Everybody must
be anxious to sail.

We're only missing one couple.

The Wilsons. Oh,
honeymoon suite.

Oh, their luggage
arrived hours ago.

Well, if they don't show up,

I hope their luggage
drops them a card.

Maybe when it came
time to "I do," they didn't.

(both laughing)

Don't look now.

♪ Dum, dum, da-dum ♪

The Wilsons.

And they're smashed.

If they can stay that
way for 40 years,

they'll have a happy marriage.

Uh-huh.

(both laughing)

Well, I only hope
that our cruise

can help repay you

for the great pleasure
your music has given us.

Well, you're flattering
me, captain, but I love it.

Thank you. Thank you.

(sighs)

Are you the admiral?

No, I'm the captain.

Oh, where is the admiral?

There is no admiral.
I run the ship.

Oh, you got demoted, huh?

Well, I'd like to keep
chatting with you,

but I do have to sail the ship.

That doesn't sound so hard.

STUBING: Young
lady... WOMAN: Merrill?

Merrill Stubing.

Yes.

Dolores.

Oh.

Dolores Strickland.

Georgina's sister.

Oh.

STUBING: Georgina.

DOLORES: Merrill?

Merrill?

Merrill?

Hm?

Oh, I am sorry.

I'm just so
surprised to see you.

I don't wonder.

It's been a long time.

Yes.

It must be nine years.

That's a long time.

Are you taking the cruise?

I am, she chickened out.

This is Vicki.

STUBING: We've met.

Georgina's daughter.

Oh.

DOLORES: Vicki's
going to stay with us

in Acapulco.

I had planned to take
the cruise with her,

but some last-minute
things came up.

Her heart was set on the cruise.

I'll fly down and meet
her when the ship docks.

I checked with the line.

They said it wouldn't
be a problem.

No. No problem.

It must be fate.

You'll be here to
keep an eye on her.

I'm sure Georgina
would be very pleased.

Yes.

Well, how is Georgina?

My Mommy's in heaven.

I, uh... I thought you knew.

Georgina passed
away eight months ago.

(foghorn blows)

(indistinct chattering)

( majestic theme playing)

Well, I'm sure
that we can provide

some amusing activities
for you while you're aboard.

Huh? You'll have fun.

Oh.

You're a nice man,
Captain Stubing,

but you should learn to relax.

Uh, excuse me, sir. Just
let me get the door here.

(sighs)

Okay.

Mademoiselle.

Did you hear something?

What kind of something?

Probably a monster.

Oh, a monster.

Excuse me.

There, you see?

No monsters.

They hide when
the lights are on.

Yeah, better check the bathroom.

Can I stay with you,
Captain Stubing?

I bet you don't
have any monsters.

Well, I don't... VICKI: Please?

Please?

Well, I suppose we can find

some room for you in my cabin.

( upbeat theme playing)

Don't you just love
the candles in the pool?

It's frivolous and decadent.

Oh, we think people on
holiday deserve a little of both.

Isaac, you are
bartender here. Yes?

Chief bartender.

Why is it you do not do
something more important?

What? And throw away four
years of bartender school?

Miss Mishancov,

if you're going to
put down Isaac, I...

Oh, wait, hold it, Doc.

I don't think she is. I think,
uh, she just wants to know

why I like being a bartender.

Is correct.

ISAAC: I like this job best

because I get to meet people.

I mean, all kinds of people.

People are where it's at for me.

That means I like people.

But the most important thing is,

I got to choose this job.

Someone else didn't
choose it for me.

Sometimes it is better if
others tell you what to do.

Oh, well, different
strokes for different folks.

(laughs) Compliments
of Miss Mishancov,

Russian vodka, 100 proof.

She sent three cases
onboard as a gift.

Well, thank you.

Yes.

Ooh! There's nothing
frivolous about that.

(sighs)

(coughs)

Miss Mishancov, how
does someone as young you

come to have such a
responsible position?

Oh, in Soviet Union

we are given jobs
because of ability.

Wisdom is not so a
province of gray heads.

Mm.

It's not so a province
of men either.

You malign us.

Women occupy positions
of great responsibility

in this country.

Julie, for example.

Being a cruise director
is a very responsible job.

Candles in the pool.

You are responsible for that?

Yes.

Will you become
captain of this ship?

Oh, sure, when everyone
else on the ship falls overboard.

MISHANCOV: Will
you join me in a toast?

To hope one day, Western
women will emerge from bondage.

Absolutely. To Western
women emerging from bondage.

Excuse me a moment.

Doc, what about the toast?

Whole wheat, please. No butter.

Your, uh, Dr. Bricker,

he likes blond ladies, yes?

Doc likes all the ladies.

He does not seem to like me.

Oh, well, Doc goes
for the slinky type.

What means slinky?

Slinky...

Oh, I understand. I understand.

Well, it's about
time for dinner.

I'm sure you'd like
to go and change.

I am changed.

Oh, excuse me. I goofed.

(speaks Russian)

What means goofed?

Goofed, uh...

I messed up,
I... I... I blew it,

I... I... I stuck my foot
in my mouth, I... I... I...

It's all right.

I understand.

Real smooth, McCoy. Real smooth.

( mellow theme playing)

Are you ready, honey?

CHARLIE: You betcha.

You're dressed. Mm-hm.

And you're not.

That's right.

Want to join me? (sighs)

Oh, well.

I thought I'd forego that
great big dinner tonight

and just take a couple
of nibbles on your ear.

Oh, honey,

how do we get our
signals crossed like this?

I mean, I would have liked

a little advance warning.

Maybe some
champagne or something

to get me in the mood.

Is that another no?

No, it's... It's not no.

It's just things
used to be different.

You used to write
songs about me.

I'll get dressed.

( mellow theme playing)

(knock on door)

Hello.

( exotic theme playing)

I want to be slinky.

( majestic theme playing)

Have you seen that couple?

The ones that came on
bombed out of their minds?

No, probably haven't
left their cabin.

Well, that's how it
is with newlyweds.

As soon as the
ship gets underway,

so does the honeymoon.

Mr. Marshall.

Miss Beal, where are we?

You mean, this
isn't your apartment?

Certainly not.

Good Lord, we're
surrounded by water.

Maybe the water cooler exploded.

(laughs)

I fail to see the
humor, Miss Beal.

Let me see, we
were in the office

and I was giving you a letter

to Mr. James McWhirter

of Unified Marine Products.

Right, then Mr. Gruber came in

and dragged us
to an office party.

Which I make it my
policy never to attend.

Boy, that was some
fruit punch, huh?

Remember you said
something about taking me

to see that new
Japanese freighter in port?

Good Lord, we're
on our way to Tokyo.

Pretty fancy freighter.

Well, do you remember
anything else?

Hm? You know, like, well, uh...

Did we...?

(giggles)

We had trouble making
sense, let alone whoopee.

I've gotta go find the captain.

I want to apologize, Miss Beal.

Your reputation has
been compromised.

I wouldn't say that.

But we could work on it.

( romantic theme playing)

Ah. Looks like
opening night in Vegas.

(laughs)

Who ordered the duck well done?

Ooh. STUBING: Beautiful.

JULIE: Oh, look.

Liver, yuck.

Brussels sprouts, yuck.

Why can't I have duck
like everyone else?

Don't you want to grow
up big and healthy?

I think there's a lot to be said

for small and sickly.

Young lady, if you don't
finish everything on that plate,

there will be no dessert.

What's for dessert?

Chocolate éclairs.

You drive a hard bargain.

I'm a slave to my sweet tooth.

Oh, bonbons.

Oh, Merrill, please,
let's get some.

Now, what happened to that diet

you started this morning?

I can't help it. (giggles)

I'm a slave to my sweet tooth.

JULIE: Captain, it's amazing.

Captain?

Uh, yes?

I was just saying it's amazing.

You and Vicki have
exactly the same eyes.

( romantic theme playing)

Wow, Miss Mishancov,
you are a knockout.

(speaks Russian)

Knockout?

Is boxing term.

You think I look like boxer?

No, no, no way. Um...

Why don't I escort you
to the captain's table?

In Russia, I eat with people.

Hey, I am people.

This lady is my assignment.

Take a hike.

Doctor appreciates
transformation, yes?

Appreciates? The
doctor's stunned.

Can I buy you a drink?

Draw you a bath?

Give you an alcohol rub?

Not like alcohol rub.

Have already have
bath. I take drink.

Oh, anything. Waiter.

Champagne. Oh, champagne?

No, it's not a drink
for the proletariat.

Well, what would you like?

Well, I would like my vodka.

Uh, waiter, uh, some of
Miss Mishancov's vodka.

(speaks Russian)

Well, for a man who
wasn't very hungry,

you certainly seem to
be enjoying your dinner.

Well, I would have
enjoyed it a lot more

if I'd had the appetizer
I'd planned in the cabin.

That's what I like
about you, Charlie.

You're so... So subtle.

I don't believe it.

What?

Who was the greatest
songwriter ever

to come out of
Syracuse University?

I was.

How about the other
half of that exciting team?

Bert?

My lord, Bert.

Bert!

Bert!

Will you excuse me?

WOMAN: Sure.

CHARLIE: Come here. Charlie!

(laughs)

Hey, how you doing, Charlie?

Oh, I'm doing fine.

Thirteen years,
you're looking great.

You're looking pretty good.

Oh, and you're lovelier.

And you're more famous.

Still married to this bum?

Breaks, I guess.

(both laugh) Give me a hug.

Oh, swell.

You... Mwah.

( upbeat theme playing)

Miss Beal, what are you wearing?

Ooh, this is some fancy ship.

Look what comes with the room.

Mr. Marshall, do you
know what this is?

It's a cruise to Mexico.

I know. And this belongs
to the honeymoon couple

who missed the ship.

Oh, boy, this is
gonna be a ball.

Miss Beal, this is serious.

This ship is filled to capacity.

We're gonna have to
continue sharing this stateroom.

Well, we'll just have to
make the best of it, won't we?

No, we'll get off the first port

and fly home.

Oh.

But we can still
go dancing tonight.

No, I want to finish that
letter to Mr. McWhirter.

Now?

Now.

Uh, Mr. James McWhirter,
Unified Marine Products.

Uh, Mr. Marshall?

Yes?

There's something
I've been trying

to tell you for a long time.

See, the truth of the matter is,

I have a very big crush on you.

Yes, well... Uh,
dear Mr. McWhirter,

regarding your complaint

about our latest shipment
of semaphore flags...

Wait a minute,
didn't you hear me?

I just poured my
soul out to you.

Um, regarding your complaint

about our recent shipment
of semaphore flags,

I feel... You feel?

You don't feel anything.

You're just a cardboard
cutout with a...

A heart of stone.

Well, you can
take your dictation

and your two-bit secretarial job

and your semaphore flags

and just shove them
in your briefcase!

I quit!

You're throwing away
a great pension plan.

( mellow theme playing)

(playing)

Yeah.

May I introduce June
and Charlie Godwin,

late of Syracuse University.

Very late.

(all laugh)

Ha, now, this is my old girl,

he's my old friend
and collaborator.

As a matter of fact,

perhaps the better
songwriter of the two of us.

Which is probably
why she married him,

because as you can
see, it certainly wasn't

a matter of looks.

(everyone laughs)

Well, how about a
song you wrote together?

There, you see? The
requests for my music

never stop pouring in.

Hey, remember this one?

(plays upbeat song on piano)

No.

Come on, "The Rhyming Song."

Oh, I... You want
to hear him do it?

Yeah. Hey, come on.

No, I have...

It's been years...
It's our first big hit.

Here we go. Oh,
I don't remember.

(plays piano)

Remember it now?

Let's go.

BOTH: ♪ Honey, you're
My sweet sensation ♪

♪ I don't want no imitation ♪

♪ You're a positive inspiration
Filling me with dedication ♪

♪ And a kind of exhilaration
Fascination, adoration ♪

♪ And to make a
generalization Baby, I love you ♪

♪ Second verse
Same as the first ♪

♪ Honey You're my
sweet sensation ♪

♪ I don't want no imitation ♪

♪ You're a positive inspiration
Filling me with dedication ♪

♪ And a kind of exhilaration
Fascination, adoration ♪

♪ And to make a
generalization Baby, I love you ♪

♪ My love has no expiration
It will never terminate ♪

♪ Even after graduation ♪

♪ We love you ♪

(all applaud)

JUNE: Bravo.

Bravo.

(laughs)

Count them all.

Oh, I remember
that. (both laughing)

Doctor, I must give caution.

Too much vodka
and not any dinner.

Oh, then be careful.

Drink slowly.

To Karl Marx.

Oh, how about Chico and Groucho?

( romantic theme playing)

(sighs)

I think you've had too much.

Hold your glass still.

To the East and the West.

To the North and the South.

(sighs)

(laughs)

( majestic theme playing)

Actually, we were three
couples. You and him.

Me and him and you and me.

I tell you, she had everything.

She sure had us.

Not literally, you understand.

You still writing songs?

Ha! No, a jingle now and then.

But after a whole day's work
in an advertising agency...

Now he makes money, not music.

Honey, Bert makes money.

And music.

Would anyone like to go

to the Acapulco
Lounge and dance?

JUNE: Oh, I'd love to.

It's been years. Come on, Bert.

Okay.

Excuse us.

And please bless
Julie and Gopher

and Doc and Isaac,

and especially Captain Stubing,

because he's very nice,

even if he doesn't
want people to know.

And, God,

please take care of my Mommy

and make sure that she
doesn't hurt anymore.

Amen.

Captain?

Yes?

I fibbed to you before.

I'm not really
afraid of monsters.

Oh.

I just didn't want
to be left alone.

Nobody likes to be left alone.

My Daddy died when
I was just a little girl.

I know.

I hardly remember him at all.

But my Mommy...

Sometimes...
Sometimes I miss her.

I miss her so much.

Why did she have to die?

I'm not sure I have

a very good answer for that.

All I can tell you
is what I believe.

And I believe there is a time

for everything.

And even though it hurts,

we don't understand,

the time for some things

is not for us to decide.

(sniffles)

You mean, it was time for Mommy?

A time to be
born, a time to die,

a time to every
purpose under heaven.

But I loved her.

(whimpering)

So did I.

( tender theme playing)

( upbeat theme playing)

BRICKER: ♪ Give my
regards to Moscow ♪

♪ Remember me
the old Red square ♪

(laughing)

All right, all right.

(soft orchestral music playing)

So finally decided to see

what the rest of the
ship looks like, huh?

Where's your better half?

(scoffs)

Believe me, anything's better

than being stuck in a
cabin with that crumb.

Oh, now, now,
now, don't be hasty.

All newlyweds have
these little spats.

Kiss me.

Huh?

I'm not fooling around. Kiss me.

Mrs. Wilson, please. What
kind of a man do you think I am?

I am not Mrs. Wilson.

I'm not even married.

You're not?

I'm Miss Beal,
Mr. Marshall's secretary.

We're not even supposed
to be on this ship.

Oh, good.

Then I put you in
the Wilsons' cabin.

I'm in a great deal of trouble.

You're in a bit of trouble.

I just told Mr. Marshall
I loved him

and he told me
to take dictation.

He must be bananas.

What am I gonna do?

Well, I'll tell you what
you're not gonna do.

You're not gonna waste any
more tears over him, right?

Well... You are gonna circulate.

You're gonna meet people.

You're gonna dance
the night away.

Yeah, you're gonna have a ball.

I mean, let him see
what he's missing.

You're gonna be
the life of the party.

(sobs)

Or we may have to come
up with an alternate solution.

Here.

(pops)

(shower water running)

(romantic music playing)

Champagne, madam.

Oh, thank you.

Just started running a bath.

Cheers. Cheers.

Could you help me with this?

Yeah, sure.

(sighs)

Bert looks great, doesn't he?

You have to admit, he still
has those bedroom eyes.

Mm-hm.

And he can't take them off you.

I... I can't get this.

Oh, I'll do it.

(clucks tongue)

(sighs) Know something?

I can't keep my
eyes off you either.

Really?

How come you don't say
those things more often?

Oh, I can't do this thing.

Oh, June, I can't win.

Look, maybe I don't
always say the things I feel.

Maybe I'm not the most
romantic fellow in the world.

Maybe I'm not Bert. Oh, Charlie.

(water running)

Oh, the bath's running over.

Charlie, you know, I didn't
mean to compare you to Bert.

All I meant was that...

Oh, Charlie.

(loudly): Oh, Miss Beal.

Sandy.

You're the most wonderful
woman I've ever met.

(loudly): Oh.

I am?

GOPHER: I just wanna take
you in my arms and kiss you.

(lip-smacking sounds)

And kiss you. SANDY: Oh, Gopher.

Oh, Gopher. (moaning)

Oh, Gopher.

(moaning and kissing)

SANDY: Gopher.

Oh, Gopher.

Until tomorrow.

You're awake.

Well, I am now.

What time is it?

Oh, a little past 2.

(giggles)

I had the best time tonight.

I can just imagine.

Carrying on with strange men.

Well, I had no choice.

The only person I know
onboard had too much work to do.

Good night.

( majestic theme playing)

(snoring)

(knock at door)

GOPHER: Come on, Doc. Let's go.

Doc, aren't you awake yet?

(groans)

Oh.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here
today to say goodbye

to our late friend,
Adam Bricker.

What happened to you?

I don't know.

Somebody stole my pajamas.

I know I had a vodka... or two.

And the next thing I remember,

I was back in my baby carriage.

Mm-hm.

What's this?

(groans)

Oh.

"Dear Dr. Bricker, thank
you for a wonderful evening.

I take you to bed."

Mm-hm.

"You are good man. A."

Hey, she gave you an A.

That's her initial.

A is for Ania.

Oh, I see.

Well, Doc, she says
here she took you to bed.

(chuckling)

Boy, that's one for
the books, isn't it?

Adam Bricker, legendary
seducer of women,

seduced and abandoned himself.

(imitating horn dirge)

(groans)

( mellow theme playing)

Have any threes?

Go fish.

(sighs)

Do you have any jacks?

Excuse me?

Do you have any jacks?

(sighs)

Jacks?

Jacks.

(laughs)

I win again.

It's so nice here.

I wish I never had to leave.

Well, I'm sure that your aunt
and uncle are nice, aren't they?

Oh, yeah. They have a
house that looks like a castle.

And it has a swimming pool.

And my cousin Jimmy
can go swimming at night

and even in the winter.

Sounds like you
have a lot of fun there.

Yeah.

I like Aunt Dolores
and Uncle Harry.

I like you a whole lot too.

( tender theme playing)

Come on.

Let's go see if the
chef can whip us up

a real special breakfast.

If it's liver, I'm eating out.

(laughs)

Come on.

In Russia, women
wear outfits like this,

but only for running
in track and field.

Oh, well, here, women wear them
to make the men come running.

(giggles) Ah.

If those shorts
don't clinch things

with the eminent Dr. Bricker,

I'll eat my hat.

You wear no hat.

Oh, no. See, that's
just an expression...

Ah.

Oh, here he comes.
Here he comes.

Miss Melencov.

I know you're used
to a dictatorship,

but there are certain
things we just don't dictate.

We have a two-party system here

and we don't do any lovemaking
unless both parties agree.

And we don't go around taking
advantage of helpless people.

I mean, you could have at
least asked in a nice way.

Excuse me.

( dramatic theme playing)

You were going to eat a hat?

( mellow theme playing)

Morning, sir.

Morning.

Ah-ha. The phantom returns.

I'm sorry. I didn't
know how late it was.

You must have had a hint
when it stopped being dark.

I just got tired of
being compared to Bert.

Nobody does that but you.

You still blame me,
don't you, Charlie?

For what?

For getting pregnant.

For giving you the
responsibility of a family

when all you really wanted to do

was to be free and write songs

and be what Bert is.

What in hell are
you talking about?

I wanted our family
as much as you did.

More than anything.

Noble Charlie to the very end.

Oh, June.

After all these years,

you haven't got the faintest
idea how I feel about you.

You made that
pretty clear last night.

I'm going to eat.

Wait a minute.
I'll... I'll get changed.

Oh, don't bother.

I understand they serve a
perfectly wonderful breakfast

for frustrated
ladies on this boat.

(door opens)

(door closes)

( majestic theme playing)

You mean he wasn't
even a little bit jealous?

He was asleep. He
didn't even hear us.

Sorry. I can't kiss
any louder than that.

Look, speak of the devil.

But stay cool, okay?

Miss Beal, I've been thinking,

I don't suppose it would hurt
to spend some time together.

Gee, I'd... Afraid not.

She has other plans.

Besides, you're getting
off in Acapulco this evening.

But...

Have a nice flight
back to the office.

(mouthing)

Well, goodbye, Miss Beal.

Ta-ta.

You just blew my life.

Sandy, Sandy, trust me.

Men like women
who play hard to get.

What if he gets off
the boat in Acapulco?

He's not leaving the ship.

You saw his face.
He's caving in.

You wanna see caving in?

Look at my face.

(sobs)

Hi.

Oh, good morning.

Have you seen Bert?

Yes, we had breakfast together.

Oh.

Oh, you two have been spending
quite a bit of time together.

Mm, that's all it is, time.

That man was carrying a
torch a mile high for some girl.

Really? Mm-hm.

(playing) ♪ I love
you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ Like we loved long ago ♪

♪ Tell me, do you
still Remember? ♪

♪ Don't ever go ♪

♪ Can't we just
Sail on together? ♪

♪ Baby, now, it's old ♪

♪ We'll never make it new ♪

That's pretty.

Now, what are you doing here?

You weren't supposed
to hear any of this.

Bert. Hey.

Go on, please.

Please?

Okay. Okay.

(resumes playing)

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

You got a minute?

For my captain? Of course.

I, uh, just thought
I'd come down

and have you take a
look at my, uh... My elbow.

It's been giving me
some trouble lately.

Well, sure. Come on over.

I'll give it the once-over.

Uh, what's the problem?

Well, it, uh,
just sort of hurts.

Tell me, Adam, have
you given any thought

to living on land again?

Living on land? Yes.

You know, nice house,

lots of room, a garden.

Close to playgrounds
and schools?

Hm?

You're pretty stuck
on Vicki, aren't you?

It's more than just that.

At one time, I was
very close to her mother.

I see.

And you think the fact that
you have the same eyes

is perhaps more
than a coincidence?

Well, it's not impossible.

Well, nothing's impossible.

But does it really
make any difference?

Merrill, Vicki needs a home.

I know.

That's why I was thinking...

Oh, you'd be lousy on
land, and you know it.

She needs more than a daddy.

She needs a mother, other kids.

She needs more
than you can give her.

I just thought...

Well, doctor.

As usual, your
diagnosis is faultless.

I only wish the prescription
weren't so hard to fill.

Well... (sighs)

Take care of that elbow.

Thanks.

(sighs)

Oh, doctor, you surprised me.

Uh, you surprised me too.

Last night was
not what you think.

I did not... I would not...

(speaking Russian)

How you say...?

I tucked you in.

You mean... Like
mother with baby.

I fold up clothes neat.

I kiss you on the cheek
and I go away so quietly,

I don't wake you up.

Oh.

Guess, I owe you an apology.

I did kind of yell at you.

Was very quiet
yell. It's all right.

It made me feel at home.

Doctor has temper
like Russian men.

Oh?

I mean what I say in the note.

I had very good time.

You are good man.

I hope we can be friends.

( dramatic theme playing)

Just friends?

( upbeat theme playing)

STUBING: Hello, Dolores?

This is Merrill
Stubing, how are you?

Oh, fine, fine.

I think she's having
the time of her life.

No. No trouble at all.

I've enjoyed having her.

Now, look, Dolores,

we'll be docking
around 8 this evening

and, well, I was wondering

if I might keep Vicki
an extra few hours.

Well, we're having
a party onboard

and she's been
looking forward to it.

Around 10?

Fine.

See you then.

( majestic theme playing)

Well, you all packed?

I'm packed.

Good.

I don't wanna go.

Why can't I stay here with you?

Vicki.

Why couldn't I?

Now, look, you have
an aunt and uncle

who love you very much.

You'll be much
happier living with them

than with a grouchy old seaman.

You aren't grouchy.

You're the best.

You'll have vacations.
You can visit me.

And someday, when
you get a little older,

who knows,

you might make a fine
cruise director like Julie.

There is nothing in this whole
world you won't be able to do

when you're ready.

You mean like, there's
a time for everything?

I love you, Captain Merrill.

I love you, Vicki.

Mwah.

( mellow theme playing)

Well, that looks like the last
of the Acapulco sightseers.

I told you he had no
intention of leaving.

Oh.

Mr. Marshall. Mr. Marshall.

Sandy, don't do this.

You're making a
fool out of yourself.

Well, I'd rather be
a fool than alone.

Wait, wait.

Miss Beal... I don't
want you to leave.

Well, I think it's
only fair that I do.

Then you and your
gentleman friend

can have the cabin
for yourselves.

Oh, all that stuff with
Gopher was just an act

to make you open your eyes.

Well, it worked.

Oh.

It made me realize
that you and I

could never make a go of it.

Oh, please. Well, look at you.

You're young and you're lovely

and you have a
great personality.

You need to be with
someone you can have fun with,

not an uptight jerk like me.

Miss Beal, Sandy, I could
never make you happy.

You mean, you wanna
make me happy?

Yes, that's why I'm leaving.

Well, I know a much better way.

She's got that assault
kissing down to a science.

( mellow theme playing)

Blond is no longer of interest?

That's good.

There is animal
attraction between us, yes?

Oh, yeah.

(both laugh)

Or it could be love.

What do you think?

I think... I think we ought
to quit drinking vodka.

(laughs)

Listen, Ania.

You must call me Anoushka.

It's affectionate form of Ania.

You will call me Anoushka?

Anoushka. Anoushka?

A-A-Anoushka.

Uh, it's... It's all very fine to
talk about animal attraction,

but when we talk about lo...

Love. Hm?

It makes me a little nervous.

Oh... Oh, excuse me, I...

I goofed again.

No, no, no. It's me.

You see, I've taken
the plunge four times.

And each time, I've
come up empty-handed.

Yeah, I don't... Look, Anoushka,

there have been
four Mrs. Dr. Brickers.

I guess you think
that's pretty decadent.

No, I think that is very sad.

(sighs)

Perhaps you lose four wives
because you run too hard.

Like the passionate
Russian poet,

you want to experience life

and you sample here
and you sample there

when what could make you
happy is right under your nostrils.

You're probably
100 percent right,

but if I'm ever gonna have
anybody under my nostrils,

I'd want it to be you.

Ah... (coughs)

You like vodka now.

Mm... (laughs)

( mariachi theme playing)

(light romantic music playing)

Would you like some white wine?

No, thanks.

Oh, come on,
honey, snap out of it.

We've been dreaming
about this vacation for years.

We've been dreaming
about something, Charlie,

but I hardly think it's
been this vacation.

That's the trouble with
borrowed tuxedoes.

You... You can never
guarantee the size.

(both laugh)

Well, it is roomy. Yeah.

Well, listen, if you'd
like to get closer,

I think there's room
in there for you.

Well, let's just see. All right.

Ooh, nice. (laughing)

You look very beautiful.

Uh, Doc, I'm only 10.

(all laugh)

(mouthing)

Excuse me.

Sorry to be so late.

This slinky business
takes much time.

JULIE: Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight you're in
for a great treat.

As you may know, Bert
Buchanan is onboard,

and tonight, he's going to
introduce a brand-new song,

so we'll be the first
to hear tomorrow's hit.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bert Buchanan.

(all applaud)

BERT: Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Once upon a time,
I went to college

with two wonderful people.

Two of us were songwriters,

the other was the most terrific
girl you'd ever wanna meet.

And as those things happen,

we both fell in love with her.

I've had a lot of luck
since then, a lot of success.

In fact, I think I've gotten
everything I ever wanted.

Except one: the girl.

He got her.

And with it, a
lifetime of happiness

greater than anything
I've ever known.

Anyway, this song is for her.

(piano being played)

(stops playing)
Oh, one other thing.

I didn't write this song.

He did.

(resumes playing piano)

♪ Was it so long ago ♪

♪ We were like
A flame on fire? ♪

♪ Wrapped in the glow
Of a sweet, insane desire ♪

♪ We lit up the night

♪ For everyone to see ♪

♪ It's still the same for me ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ Like we loved long ago ♪

♪ Tell me, do you
Still remember? ♪

♪ Don't ever go ♪

♪ Can't we just
sail on Together? ♪

♪ Baby, now it's old ♪

♪ We'll never make it new ♪

♪ But we can make it grow ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

♪ I love you, you know ♪

(music winds down) (applause)

Just shows what a man
can do if he stays up all night.

(applause)

Oh, Charlie, I'm...

I'm sorry I've been so awful.

That was such a beautiful song.

All these years, you've...
You've never said

what you said in
that song tonight.

Maybe I just
needed the practice.

I love you, you know.

Oh, Charlie.

( romantic theme playing)

I don't know about you,

but all of this is much too

frivolous and decadent for me.

(laughs)

Let's boogie. Hm?

Come on. What?

What is boogie?

We'll be back. (laughing)

(soft dance music playing)

Beautiful song, no?

Like songs from my country.

Make me feel sad
and happy same time.

You'd like my country, Adam.

In winter it's very cold.

Cold.

I wear a big fur hat.

It's ugly, but practical.

(chuckling)

At night, friends
gather in my apartment.

We sing songs, drink
vodka, tell stories,

laugh, complain
about government.

Complain about
government? I'm shocked.

Oh, not our government.

Your government.

(both laugh)

I make joke, yes?

In summer I walk in country,

pick wild flowers
by side of road.

Men and women working
in field call out to me:

(speaking Russian)

Means go in peace.

We say, "Have a nice day."

Have nice day.

Same idea.

All people are the same, no?

No.

All people aren't the same.

There aren't very
many around like you.

( romantic theme playing)

(music stops)

(applause)

Jimmy.

Vicki.

Hello, darling.

(music starts)

Merrill, I wanna thank
you for taking care of Vicki.

I haven't seen her
so happy since, well...

Yeah, she's a marvelous girl.

Someday, when you get the time,

why don't you come up to
the house and have dinner?

Of course. I'd love to.

Here.

Merrill.

Hm?

It was so good seeing you again.

Take care of yourself, Dolores.

Come on, kids, let's go.

Merrill.

I have to say goodbye.

Georgina... You need the sea.

I need a normal life.

A home and a family.

(sighs)

Tom can give me that.
He... He'll be a good husband.

But...

Do you love him?

( tender theme playing)

I don't wanna say goodbye.

Not goodbye, Vicki.

It's just so long.

( heartfelt theme playing)

( majestic theme playing)

(foghorn blows)

Oh, that. You can keep it.

It's okay.

Oh, my nose.

Well, well, you're certainly
going down the gangplank

in better shape
than you came up.

Well, you see
what a little salt air

and a large romance
can do for you, hm?

(both giggling)

Well, I guess it's back
to the office for you two.

Well, just me, I'm afraid.

I offered her another
position and she accepted.

(chortles)

Oh...

I'll speak with you
next week, okay?

Okay.

I'm glad we met.

Me too.

Bye. Bye-bye.

Well... Well, it was great fun.

But it was just
one of those things.

Now, Bert, it's not gonna
be another 15 years, is it?

Not this time.

Mm-hm. It's Philadelphia, right?

Hey, I'll be there.

I gotta go to London
for two months,

go to Hollywood, make a
movie, and then, hey, I'll be there.

Right?

Right.

Goodbye, Bert.

Goodbye.

Remember, I love you, you know.

(sighs)

Well, college was great,

but Philadelphia
ain't all that bad.

Hey, you didn't forget
that sexy robe, did you?

I'd like to apologize

for spending so little time
with you, Miss Mishancov.

No, I just became involved
in, uh, other situations.

It's all right, Captain Stubing.

I've learned many
things, made many friends.

Julie. Ania.

It was nice meeting you.
And you still look slinky.

(laughs) Oh.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Anoushka.

Don't go, stay here.

(laughs)

Marry me.

You are serious?

Utterly serious.

It's wonderful idea
to be with you always.

I can't think of anything
more wonderful.

But, um, in Soviet Union,

I am commissar in
charge of cruise vessels.

I cannot be this here.

Well, but you'll have freedom.

Fun, sunshine.

Disneyland. (laughs)

Me.

Adam, you love this
country very much, yes?

Yes.

I, too, love my
country very much.

But... Adam.

I've never met anyone like you.

And I never will again.

My heart is filled
with love for you.

But you must tell me goodbye.

Goodbye, my Anoushka.

(speaking Russian)

(speaks Russian)

Have a nice day.

( sentimental theme playing)

GEORGINA: Vicki was 3 today.

We had a nice little
party in the backyard.

She was simply thrilled
with the stuffed elephant.

She hasn't let go of it all day.

I wish you could see her.

She really does seem
to have your eyes.

( dramatic theme playing)

(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)