The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 3 - Rocky/Julie's Dilemma/Who's Who? - full transcript
(Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Hi.
(sighs)
What can I say,
Gopher, I love this ship.
Me too.
But if Julie asks me once
more if her parents got here yet,
I'm gonna jump over the side.
Aw.
Gopher, did my
parents get here yet?
Uh, try not to make
too big a splash.
Not yet, Julie.
Well will you keep your eye
out for me? You can't miss them.
My father's...
Ah, distinguished.
And your mom looks
more like your sister.
Yeah. I'm sorry,
I'm boring you guys.
GOPHER: Hey, no, we're kidding.
They sound great.
Two people who still hold
hands after 30 years of marriage.
JULIE: Now, you sure you
know what they look like?
Yeah. Bye.
I'm Patricia Seldon.
Holy cow!
Excuse me?
I think you should know that
the cow is sacred to the Hindu.
A reference to
cows in this context
could be considered
offensive to some people.
I... I didn't mean anything.
(chuckles)
It's important that we be
precise in what we say.
Uh, so, Miss Seldon,
uh, you're sharing a
cabin on Fiesta Deck.
That's F 133.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What a prude. Somebody
ought to warn her cabin mate.
Well, if you wanna be
the bearer of bad tidings,
her cabin mate is some poor
woman named Marion Atkins.
I'm Marion Atkins.
Oh, hello, Mr. Atkins.
Yes, you're on the
Fiesta Deck, Cabin F 133.
Can I get somebody to
take my luggage to my room?
Certainly. Just ask any steward.
Oh, steward.
Uh, no, sir, that's
Captain Stubing.
Oh, captain, I'm glad we've met.
Allow me to favor you
with one of my pamphlets.
Oh, "Make life the
business of living."
Makes you stop
and think, doesn't it?
(chuckles)
I'm sorry, but I don't have time
to stop and think now.
I have to sail the ship.
Well, thank you, sir.
Do you think the
captain would allow me
to hand out some of my
pamphlets aboard ship?
Well, uh... "Idle hands
make no gloves."
Uh, no, sir, I don't
think he'd mind.
Here, I'm sure you'd
like this one back.
No, that's all right.
I've got two suitcases full.
Oh.
Oh, hey, isn't this great?
Big deal, it's a boat.
Oh, come on.
Look at the size of it.
So it's a big boat.
Why do we have to go
on this old boat, anyway?
Rosemary, dear.
Mom...
Okay, Rocky.
(chuckles)
The team can get along
without you for one little game.
Little game?
That's like calling Donny
Osmond a little singer.
Oh, honey, maybe
it's a good idea
for the team to
play without you.
I mean, what would happen
if they had to get along
without you for a long time?
Well, why would they have to?
I'm gonna play baseball
for the rest of my life.
Move it or lose it.
Oh. I'm sorry. You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, but
you're gonna kill yourself
if you don't get a
little front-side control.
I'm sorry. Are you
being a pain in the neck?
Oh, don't worry. He's just fine.
Thank you.
Can you do a wheelie?
Uh-uh.
Cinch.
Not bad.
Thanks.
Hey.
Well, those two are
really hitting it off.
Normie's 13. How
old is your son?
Uh, ha, our son is a daughter.
Oh, have my parents...
We're just going out to check.
Mom! Dad!
Oh.
(laughing)
Daddy. Oh!
Mom and Dad, uh,
this is Gopher and Doc.
Hi. Hi, how are you?
Julie is planning to make this
the best vacation
you two have ever had.
Mm-hm.
STUBING (over PA): Miss McCoy
to the Promenade Deck, please.
Oh, if I ever get to see you.
Well, I'm glad you're here. Bye.
We'll show you to your cabin.
Right. This way.
Julie says you've been
married for 30 years.
You sure don't look it.
The sooner we get
this over with, the better.
You're right. I can't keep
up this charade any longer.
(ship horn blaring)
( upbeat theme playing)
"Thank you for not smoking."
(clears throat)
"Dear cabin mate.
"Since I arrived first,
"I took the liberty of
assigning the top two drawers
"and the left side of
the closet to myself.
"I generally bathe at 6 a.m.
"I hope this will
not disturb you.
"Signed, your cabin mate.
"PS: Thank you for not smoking."
"PPS:
"Or littering."
(humming)
( upbeat theme playing)
Oh, sorry. I'm very sorry.
Here. Wait a minute. Here, here.
Thank yo...
"PPS: Or littering."
Now, he's my kind of roomie.
( upbeat theme playing)
I can do wheelies on a bike.
I can do them on motorcycles.
You've driven a motorcycle?
Millions of times.
Well, I've driven my dad's car.
Well, I've driven a pickup.
Well, I've driven
a... A cement mixer.
You have not.
Well, I could if I wanted to.
When do you think
we should tell her?
Oh, I don't know.
Certainly not now. She's
having too much fun.
You really think
she'll react that badly
to the idea of moving?
She's never been
out of Denver, Rod.
Oh, I think there
will be a tear or two.
I'm gonna cry a few myself.
I mean, it's not easy
leaving everyone you know.
But then, kids make
friends so easily.
( tender theme playing)
Hey.
You will too.
I already have my best friend.
Thanks.
I think this booklet
is just wonderful.
Thank you for giving it to me.
Oh, it's my
pleasure, Miss, uh...
I'm sorry, I don't
know your name.
Miss Seldon.
Miss Seldon, I'm Mr. Atkins.
Oh, Mr. Atkins.
You're the author.
Well... (chuckles)
I must say I'm a bit surprised
finding a man of your
calling on a cruise ship.
Well, I always like to go
where the biggest challenge is.
You know that last
year on my vacation,
I distributed four suitcases of
these pamphlets in Las Vegas?
One cannot help but
admire your commitment.
I was thrown out of four
different gambling casinos.
A martyr.
I like that in a man.
Thank you.
Miss Seldon,
I hope you don't think
I'm being too forward,
but would you like to
go to the lounge with me
and join me in a nice,
tall, cool lemonade?
Well, uh,
why not?
I'm here to live it up.
(chuckles)
Mr. Atkins, you amaze me.
You always say the right thing.
Well, not when confronted
with a member of
the fairer sex, darn it.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say "darn it."
You shouldn't have said "sex."
You're absolutely right.
Please accept my apology.
Oh, no need to apologize.
Even the best of us can stumble.
How true.
Fortunately, there are
people like you around
to keep us from falling.
If only the people at the
network could understand that.
(chuckles)
They sent me on this cruise.
I'm a television censor.
A television censor?
What an admirable profession.
And this cruise is your
reward for a job well done?
Quite the contrary.
They think I'm narrow-minded
and that I should
experience more of life.
They're wrong, of course.
I am an extremely
enlightened woman.
And actually,
I think of myself
as being quite hep.
Or is it hip?
Uh... Miss Seldon? Uh-huh.
Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?
(giggles)
Oh, I'd be delighted.
But I have to change first.
I'll walk you to your cabin.
Uh, Mr. Atkins.
Not on our first date.
Of course.
( upbeat theme playing)
It's really nice to finally
meet you, captain.
We've heard so many fine
things about you from Julie.
Well, you should be very proud
of your daughter, Mrs. McCoy.
What she does on this
ship is extremely important,
and she does it better than
anyone I've ever sailed with.
Well, thank you, sir.
Oh, and if you hold that
over my head to get a raise,
I'll deny I ever said it.
Yes, sir.
Well, your daughter says
you have a 30th
anniversary coming up.
So why don't we
celebrate it here on the ship,
our last night out?
Uh... JULIE: Oh, a party!
I think that's a super idea!
See, I told you I
had a great boss.
If you ever hold that over
my head, I'll deny I said it.
(laughs)
GOPHER (on PA): Miss
McCoy to the Lido Deck,
Miss McCoy to the
Lido Deck, please.
Hm, well, maybe I'll get to
see you at the party. Bye-bye.
(giggles)
Well, that's some
young lady you raised.
My compliments.
Well.
Is there something wrong?
( tender theme playing)
Well, we have
something to tell Julie,
and it just couldn't be said
on the phone or in a letter.
MRS. McCOY: This isn't
exactly a pleasure cruise.
(sighs)
We came to tell her
we're getting a divorce.
( dramatic theme playing)
( mellow theme playing)
(soft lounge music
playing over speakers)
Rocky.
Come on, honey.
At least I didn't miss it.
Hi. Hi there.
Great dinner, huh?
The best.
Master Martin here
was getting a little antsy,
so I decided to move on.
(giggles)
(laughs)
Can I be excused, Mom?
Can we go and hang out?
Uh, sure. Just be kind to
your fellow passengers, please.
She means don't bug anybody. Mm.
Normie. Come on.
Sit down.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, well, Rocky's wearing
her formal jeans
for this occasion.
At our house,
dress is a dirty word.
Oh, at our place, uh,
tie is the verboten word.
Don't worry. She'll be
wearing dresses soon enough.
If I remember correctly,
it happens at the same time
you get interested in boys.
Oh.
She's still interested in boys.
(laughing)
Hi, how's your dinner?
Fine. Fine. Good.
But I sure wish we could
catch you sitting down.
Okay, I'm all yours.
(giggles)
Julie... Oh, Gopher!
Gopher, come on
and join us, okay?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good evening.
Having a nice cruise?
Fine. Oh, yes, thank you.
Terrific. Gopher.
I see that Miss Seldon
has made a conquest.
Mm.
Who's the unlucky guy?
The one that was handing
out all those pamphlets.
Marion Atkins.
Marion is a guy?
Uh-huh. I checked him
in myself. Cabin F 133.
Oh, boy. Somebody goofed.
Why?
Mr. Atkins and Miss Seldon
are sharing the same cabin.
(chuckles)
I haven't heard any complaints.
Well, I guess you just can't
judge a pamphlet by its cover.
(Julie laughing)
Miss Seldon, would you allow me
to make a rather
bold suggestion?
Why, yes, of course.
I think that we should
celebrate this evening
with something special.
Like a... a bottle of cold duck.
Cold duck?
But, Mr. Atkins, you
never told me that you...
I... I don't usually.
(chuckles)
Let's make it half a bottle.
(both laughing)
That's not fair.
You did it to me first.
Hold it.
I smell danger, Starsky.
I read you, Hutch.
If that bomb goes off, it
can blow up half the city.
We have to defuse it.
Well, no sense both
of us risking our lives.
You wait here. I'll handle this.
Don't you play hero
with me, buddy boy.
You know there are
ghosts on this ship?
Ghosts of dead
sailors eaten by sharks.
Cut it out.
Ever see a sailor once a
shark gets done with him?
It's not a pretty sight.
His head's bit in half,
his arms are all mangled.
Cut it out.
And his guts are dripping out.
I'm the ghost of a mangled
sailor, and you've had it.
I'm gonna take you and
throw you to the sharks.
And they're gonna mangle you.
And they're gonna
bite your head off.
(both screaming)
They'll bite off your head
and mangle your arms!
(band playing funky music)
Right there.
(all chattering)
Well?
Julie, it's too crowded here.
Let's go down to our cabin.
Oh, will later, okay?
First, I wanna see you two
dance together, all right?
Come on. Come on.
(music stops)
(crowd clapping)
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
here's a very special song
for a very special couple.
"Love is a
Many-Splendored Thing."
(band playing "Love is a
Many-Splendored Thing" softly)
Mom, Dad, what's the matter?
I ask them to play
your favorite song,
and you walk off
the dance floor.
Julie dear, we
have to talk to you,
and we just can't do it here.
Let's not drag this out anymore.
Your mother and I
are getting a divorce.
Wh... What?
You're not serious.
I'm afraid we are.
No.
No.
( tender theme playing)
Arlene. Hm?
You sure you're not sorry
we're making this move?
Am I giving that impression?
Well, you seem a
little down tonight.
Oh, Rod.
You know I'd...
I'd go anywhere in
the world with you.
( majestic theme playing)
Why? Can you just tell me why?
Look, honey, wh...
When you left home
and there were no more
children in the house,
for the first time in 20 years,
your father and I
were alone together.
We... We found out
that we didn't have
as much in common as we thought.
But, Daddy, you love each other.
We're comfortable
with each other.
But... Well, we...
We felt that there was something
more out there for both of us.
And whatever that
something is, if...
If we don't find it now,
it's gonna be gone forever.
Can you understand that, huh?
No. No, I can't understand that.
I'll never understand that.
Oh... ( melancholy
theme playing)
Oh.
Julie.
Oh, uh, captain, I...
I'm glad I ran into you.
I... I have to talk to you
about that party for my parents.
I know, Julie.
I know all about it.
Oh... (crying)
Look, if, uh, there's
anything I can do...
You're doing it,
sir. You're doing it.
( upbeat theme playing)
Mr. Atkins, do you think
we had too much cold duck?
What cold duck?
(giggles)
(laughs)
(both laughing)
( romantic theme playing)
Oh, my... Oh, my goodness.
(hiccups)
I think I'd better turn in.
I think it's a wise course.
I'm gonna take a walk.
That's the trouble
with cold duck.
Afterwards, you have
to take a cold shower.
( mellow theme playing)
I don't know how
the Fonz can do it.
Do what?
You know, kissing.
The Fonz does it?
Well, he's always
talking about it.
He must have done it.
You ever?
Are you weird?
If the Fonz does it,
maybe it's worth, uh,
you know, checking out.
You mean us? You're bananas.
If it's awful, we can stop.
And if not, uh...
What's the matter, you chicken?
No way.
Okay. You wanna start?
Well, what's wrong
with you starting?
Oh, brother.
Okay, we'll do it together.
Count to three.
One.
Two.
Two and a half.
Two and three quarters.
Three!
( mellow theme playing)
It was a gross-out, wasn't it?
Super colossal gross-out.
Well, it's getting late.
I'd better go find my folks.
And here I was telling you guys
they had the perfect marriage.
Any chance they'll
change their minds?
I really don't think so.
I'm sure a lot of soul-searching
went into their decision.
Julie, sometimes a
couple starts drifting apart,
and the next thing you know,
they've drifted so far
they can't stop themselves.
Julie, you can't live
their lives for them.
You're just gonna have to go
along with whatever they want.
(scoffs)
And if that's a divorce,
maybe you should just try to
make things easier for them.
You mean help them?
It's a tough time
for them, Julie.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should help them.
Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
You've always been
there when I needed you.
Thanks.
(door closes)
Nice going, guys.
We did it again.
Did what?
Hey, Mom and Dad.
Oh, listen, I'm really sorry
about the way I was earlier.
I was angry and
upset, and I'm sorry.
If a divorce is
what you two want,
then that's what
you should have.
I knew you'd understand.
Now, in the meantime,
it's pretty silly
for the two of you to
have to share a cabin.
So, Mom, you come stay with me.
MRS. McCOY:
Oh, no, really, Julie.
No, it's no imposition
at all, really.
I'll have a steward
come get your bags.
And, Dad, we'll see
you in the morning.
Come on, Mom. Come on.
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
( quirky theme playing)
(knocks on door)
Hel... Hello in there.
(shower running)
I... I'm your cabin mate.
We m... We must have
missed each other last night.
I must have been sleeping.
Hello? Can you hear me?
I... I'd like to
introduce myself.
(shower stops)
Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Gopher.
Have you seen
Mr. Atkins this morning?
Wasn't he in the cabin with you?
I beg your pardon.
What kind of a person
do you think I am?
He must still be sleeping.
Well, if you should see him,
will you please tell him that
I will be on the Lido Deck?
Sure.
Uh, but if he's
still sleeping...
Um, I mean, if
you two are, um...
If he's in, um... Ah... Um...
Good morning, Mom.
Mm. How did you
sleep last night?
Not very well.
It's the first time I remember
sleeping in a bed
without your dad.
Oh, you're gonna have
to get used to that one.
Now, come on, up and at
them. It's a beautiful day.
And I wanna take you up to
meet some of our swinging singles.
Oh, now, Julie, don't do this.
Well, what's holding
you back, Mom?
You're a beautiful woman.
You gotta get out there
and mix and mingle.
Julie, please.
Mom, this is what
I do for a living.
I make sure that everybody's
having a good time.
You said you thought
there was more out there.
Now, go on out
and grab some of it.
( mellow theme playing)
Coming up on deck?
In a while, Mom.
Okay.
Mom? Mm-hm?
Am I weird-looking?
No way.
And you're a heck
of a lot prettier
than any pitcher in the majors.
(giggles)
( mellow theme playing)
"The scent of her
perfume wafted to him.
"Her diaphanous gown
clung to her in the breeze.
"Clive was overcome
by her beauty.
"He pulled her
close and kissed her.
"And kissed her,
and kissed her."
Mom, you've wasted
an entire morning
just sitting here alone.
You've gotta get out
there and meet and greet.
Julie, I haven't done
anything like that for years.
Well, you've gotta get
rid of your inhibitions.
Isaac, come here. Isaac.
My mother needs something
to, uh, get her off
the launching pad.
ISAAC: I have just the thing.
I call this my Bloody
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
What's in it? I don't know.
But I do know that it's
stronger than a bloody mary.
Go ahead, Mom, drink it.
Aha.
(chuckles)
This must be the single lady
you've been telling me about.
You weren't kidding.
She is a knockout.
Martha, Joel.
Joel, Martha.
How do you do?
Two's company, three's a drag.
Excuse me.
Honey, do I have plans for us.
A couple of drinks,
a stroll around the
deck, and then, uh...
Ha-ha. We're not kids anymore,
uh, my cabin or yours?
Hi. Mm. Boy, are you in luck.
Those three ladies
are free as birds.
Come on. Ladies, I'd
like you all to meet Bill.
Oh, hello. Hello.
And may the best woman win.
Well, Bill, are you
traveling alone?
No.
Oh, y... Yes, yes. In a way.
You see, Bill's almost single.
Oh.
Oh...
Well, the doctor says
there's a lot of
that going around.
I got divorced myself last year,
for the third time.
Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.
(laughs)
Hey, Mom, you wanna
see a terrific card trick?
You won't even see me
put the aces up my sleeves.
I hope not. You
don't have a shirt on.
Where's Rocky?
I don't know. I haven't
seen her all day.
Arlene.
Hm?
(gasps)
( mellow theme playing)
Darling, don't stare.
You'll just make her
feel self-conscious.
Honey, you look beautiful.
I do?
Oh, you sure do.
What's that stink?
I don't know.
It's you.
I happen to be wearing perfume.
What did you do, dump
a gallon on yourself?
Normie, that's really rude.
Uh, why don't you and
Rocky go on and play?
Okay. Wanna go swimming?
Probably stink
up the whole pool.
I'd better not. I
might get my hair wet.
So what?
Well, it took a long
time to get it this way.
Swimming is not
gonna hurt that hair.
Normie.
Okay.
You don't wanna swim, you
wanna go skateboarding?
Not in this dress.
It's too diaphanous.
NORMIE: Well, how about a
race? I'll beat you to the bow.
(as Rocky): Not in these shoes.
That's right.
Well, take the dumb shoes off.
They go with the dress.
Rocky, what happened to you?
You used to be fun.
Now you're a drag.
A great, big, smelly drag.
All right. Normie, I want you
to apologize right this minute.
( melancholy theme playing)
Honey, I think I'd
better handle this one.
( upbeat theme playing)
They sure don't leave much
to the imagination, do they?
Well, of course, if
you wore a bikini,
I'm sure that
your natural purity
would shine through,
despite your nakedness.
I'm s... Sorry. I didn't
mean to say naked.
Look, I said it again.
Oh, that's all right.
My prurient interest
was not aroused.
Do you really think I'd
look good in a bikini?
Frankly, I think you'd
look good in anything.
Miss Seldon, last
night on the deck,
I came very near to kissing you.
I have a confession to make.
I wouldn't have
minded if you had.
( romantic theme playing)
(muffled groan)
We must be strong.
I'll need your help.
(sniffs)
Oh, Rocky.
You poor kid.
Being a girl is such a pain.
Normie didn't mean
to say those things.
He just expected his old buddy.
Not a glamorous young woman.
I'm not glamorous.
I looked like a freak.
Boy, I can't win.
If I do the things I like to do,
everybody yells at
me to dress like a girl.
And when I dress like a girl,
I'm an object of ridicule.
Oh.
We're very proud of you, Rocky,
and the things you do so well.
But sometimes, we
just forget to tell you.
And we think
you're beautiful too.
That's why we try to dress
you up and put you on display.
But what you've got, Rocky,
the important qualities,
they don't depend
on what you look like.
So you be yourself.
Say what you think.
And learn to be good
at the things you like.
Don't ever change, honey.
No matter who tries.
Including your
mother and father.
Thanks, Mom.
But I didn't put the
dress on for you.
You didn't?
I put it on for Normie.
Oh.
(knock on door)
Honey, there's a young
man outside to see you.
There is?
Yeah.
Okay. Wait a minute.
Burn this.
(giggles)
Rock.
Hi.
(coughs)
You know, in El Paso,
I play for the Bluebirds.
And our pitcher, he stinks.
So what?
So your Dad tells me
you have a great curveball,
which our team could really use.
You're brilliant, Normie.
What am I supposed to do,
drop in from Denver once a week?
Your dad tells me
you're gonna move.
What? You never told me that.
Well, we were going
to tell you this week
while we were on the cruise.
Well, I'm not moving.
Not to some dumb old town
where everybody's
probably a gorp
and I don't know anybody.
El Paso's not dumb.
How do you know?
I happen to live there, stupid.
Oh. You do? That's right.
And it's not dumb, it's neat.
And you'll be living two
blocks away from us.
Oh.
Do they have a skateboard park?
Uh-uh. Oh, well.
But they're building
one next spring.
And it'll have three
expert runs. Wow.
And we have slalom competitions
at the parking
lot at the school.
That's great!
School's all right,
but be careful
for Mr. Snelgrove.
If you don't do your homework,
he makes a jerk out of you
in front of the whole school.
We call him Sniffy,
Sniffy Snelgrove,
because he's always
making these sniffling noises.
He goes like this:
(in nasally voice): "Class,
would you turn to page...?"
(both laughing)
Mom.
When will we be moving?
Not for three months, dear.
Oh.
Well, you can't have everything.
Normie, wait!
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
(band playing soft music)
Is something bothering you?
Yes. Holding you like this.
It's fun.
Must fun always be wrong?
Well, maybe not with you.
Miss Seldon, last night
I had an opportunity to kiss you
and I didn't take it,
and then this afternoon,
I had another opportunity
and I didn't take it.
Sometimes opportunity
knocks three times.
(gasps)
Shall we go to your cabin?
I have a roommate.
How about your cabin?
I have a roommate too.
Oh, shucks.
Mr. Atkins,
do you realize
what we're saying?
I... I am totally to blame.
No, no, I led you astray.
No, I went willingly, willingly.
How strong the mind,
how weak the flesh.
We must never see
each other again.
Thank you.
Thank you for your strength.
Mm.
It was nice knowing
you, Mr. Atkins.
Goodbye, Miss Seldon.
Miss Seldon, are you all right?
To tell you the truth, no.
I think I'm getting
a little cold.
Well, you looked just
fine on the dance floor.
That was before
the music stopped.
Oh, the band will be back
in just a couple of minutes.
Only Mr. Atkins can
bring back the music.
Ah.
Now I think I think I can
complete my diagnosis.
You're lovesick.
What do you prescribe?
Well, I usually prescribe
an ocean voyage.
(sobs)
(all chattering)
(band playing soft music)
Excuse me, may
I have this dance?
Mom, why did you turn
down that nice Joel Kirby?
I thought I had a great
match going between you two.
I just don't feel like dancing.
Oh, you mean with him.
Well, who would you
like to dance with?
You name any man in the room
and I'll get him
over here for you.
Mom, I thought you
had this all figured out.
This is what being
single is all about.
Isn't it what you expected?
(sighs)
I guess I didn't
know what to expect.
I just wanted some freedom.
Freedom? Freedom to do what?
I don't know,
Julie. I don't know.
Excuse me.
Would you like to dance?
Yes, I'd love to.
Fine.
Play it again, Sam.
(music stops)
Well, Billy baby,
are you going to call me
when you're a free man?
(band playing "Love is a
Many-Splendored Thing" softly)
I'm not sure I
wanna be a free man.
How you doing?
Terrible.
How about you?
Worse.
This being single is
too much like work.
It sure is.
You know, I've been thinking,
maybe the effort
would be better spent
on a relationship which has
already lasted almost 30 years.
That's my roundabout
way of saying...
I love you.
Bill, you can say it
any way you want.
(chuckles)
You know something? Hm?
You're great.
And I'll never deny I said it.
Thank you.
(sighs)
( mellow theme playing)
(sighs)
(sighs)
(yelps) (shouts)
Mr. Atkins, oh!
Miss Seldon.
Mr. Atkins, what is
the meaning of this?
Miss Seldon, I thought that
we agreed to resist temptation.
Mr. Atkins, I think you should
go back to your own cabin.
Miss Seldon... Miss
Seldon, I am in my own cabin.
Don't be silly.
This is my cabin.
Oh, no. Look, Miss
Seldon, here's my key.
Here's yours. Look, see.
(in unison): "F 133."
They made a mistake.
We've been
roommates all this time.
What must people think?
Well they probably
think we're, uh...
But we're not.
We could. What?
We could. Miss Seldon. Oh...
Miss Seldon, will you marry me?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh!
As soon as we dock,
we'll find a justice
of the peace.
Oh. Oh.
What about tonight?
Tonight? Tonight, huh?
Uh-huh. Yes. Oh.
Tonight.
We'd better wait.
Yes. Yes, let's.
(breathing heavily)
(sighs)
(in unison): Let's not!
(muffled): Holy cow!
What?
Holy cow.
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
(horn blaring)
Well, I guess we'd better
round up the munchkins
or we'll never make that plane.
Right.
I'll write you every day.
I'll write twice a day.
Don't go crazy.
Listen, at school, we have
this dance. You wanna go?
Sure, I guess.
They make you wear a dress.
Yeah?
Wear that, uh,
diaphanous one, okay?
Okay.
Normie, it's time to go, okay?
Goodbye, honey.
Bye-bye.
Well, bye. Bye.
It keeps getting
less and less yucky.
I know.
(sighs)
Shall we go home, Rocky?
I guess so.
( upbeat theme playing)
( romantic theme playing)
(clears throat)
Mr. Atkins, wasn't
it you who wrote:
"Public kissing is
a public nuisance"?
What the heck ever made
you write a thing like that?
(chuckles)
I can't speak for your mother,
but I knew what you were
up to all along, you sneaky kid.
Well, that's me.
I guess we both were hoping
you'd do something to stop us.
Well, now, wait.
You two didn't get back
together because of me.
Oh, no.
We both just wanted
some romance in our lives.
And we found it here, together.
You know, your dad is
still a pretty exciting man.
So long, Billy boy.
Well, maybe next time.
(giggles)
See? I'm not the only
one who thinks so.
(laughs)
Bye-bye, Mom. Thank you.
Oh. Oh.
Daddy, thank you.
Thanks for everything, kiddo.
Mm-hm.
How about that?
Still holding hands
after 30 years.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Hi.
(sighs)
What can I say,
Gopher, I love this ship.
Me too.
But if Julie asks me once
more if her parents got here yet,
I'm gonna jump over the side.
Aw.
Gopher, did my
parents get here yet?
Uh, try not to make
too big a splash.
Not yet, Julie.
Well will you keep your eye
out for me? You can't miss them.
My father's...
Ah, distinguished.
And your mom looks
more like your sister.
Yeah. I'm sorry,
I'm boring you guys.
GOPHER: Hey, no, we're kidding.
They sound great.
Two people who still hold
hands after 30 years of marriage.
JULIE: Now, you sure you
know what they look like?
Yeah. Bye.
I'm Patricia Seldon.
Holy cow!
Excuse me?
I think you should know that
the cow is sacred to the Hindu.
A reference to
cows in this context
could be considered
offensive to some people.
I... I didn't mean anything.
(chuckles)
It's important that we be
precise in what we say.
Uh, so, Miss Seldon,
uh, you're sharing a
cabin on Fiesta Deck.
That's F 133.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What a prude. Somebody
ought to warn her cabin mate.
Well, if you wanna be
the bearer of bad tidings,
her cabin mate is some poor
woman named Marion Atkins.
I'm Marion Atkins.
Oh, hello, Mr. Atkins.
Yes, you're on the
Fiesta Deck, Cabin F 133.
Can I get somebody to
take my luggage to my room?
Certainly. Just ask any steward.
Oh, steward.
Uh, no, sir, that's
Captain Stubing.
Oh, captain, I'm glad we've met.
Allow me to favor you
with one of my pamphlets.
Oh, "Make life the
business of living."
Makes you stop
and think, doesn't it?
(chuckles)
I'm sorry, but I don't have time
to stop and think now.
I have to sail the ship.
Well, thank you, sir.
Do you think the
captain would allow me
to hand out some of my
pamphlets aboard ship?
Well, uh... "Idle hands
make no gloves."
Uh, no, sir, I don't
think he'd mind.
Here, I'm sure you'd
like this one back.
No, that's all right.
I've got two suitcases full.
Oh.
Oh, hey, isn't this great?
Big deal, it's a boat.
Oh, come on.
Look at the size of it.
So it's a big boat.
Why do we have to go
on this old boat, anyway?
Rosemary, dear.
Mom...
Okay, Rocky.
(chuckles)
The team can get along
without you for one little game.
Little game?
That's like calling Donny
Osmond a little singer.
Oh, honey, maybe
it's a good idea
for the team to
play without you.
I mean, what would happen
if they had to get along
without you for a long time?
Well, why would they have to?
I'm gonna play baseball
for the rest of my life.
Move it or lose it.
Oh. I'm sorry. You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine, but
you're gonna kill yourself
if you don't get a
little front-side control.
I'm sorry. Are you
being a pain in the neck?
Oh, don't worry. He's just fine.
Thank you.
Can you do a wheelie?
Uh-uh.
Cinch.
Not bad.
Thanks.
Hey.
Well, those two are
really hitting it off.
Normie's 13. How
old is your son?
Uh, ha, our son is a daughter.
Oh, have my parents...
We're just going out to check.
Mom! Dad!
Oh.
(laughing)
Daddy. Oh!
Mom and Dad, uh,
this is Gopher and Doc.
Hi. Hi, how are you?
Julie is planning to make this
the best vacation
you two have ever had.
Mm-hm.
STUBING (over PA): Miss McCoy
to the Promenade Deck, please.
Oh, if I ever get to see you.
Well, I'm glad you're here. Bye.
We'll show you to your cabin.
Right. This way.
Julie says you've been
married for 30 years.
You sure don't look it.
The sooner we get
this over with, the better.
You're right. I can't keep
up this charade any longer.
(ship horn blaring)
( upbeat theme playing)
"Thank you for not smoking."
(clears throat)
"Dear cabin mate.
"Since I arrived first,
"I took the liberty of
assigning the top two drawers
"and the left side of
the closet to myself.
"I generally bathe at 6 a.m.
"I hope this will
not disturb you.
"Signed, your cabin mate.
"PS: Thank you for not smoking."
"PPS:
"Or littering."
(humming)
( upbeat theme playing)
Oh, sorry. I'm very sorry.
Here. Wait a minute. Here, here.
Thank yo...
"PPS: Or littering."
Now, he's my kind of roomie.
( upbeat theme playing)
I can do wheelies on a bike.
I can do them on motorcycles.
You've driven a motorcycle?
Millions of times.
Well, I've driven my dad's car.
Well, I've driven a pickup.
Well, I've driven
a... A cement mixer.
You have not.
Well, I could if I wanted to.
When do you think
we should tell her?
Oh, I don't know.
Certainly not now. She's
having too much fun.
You really think
she'll react that badly
to the idea of moving?
She's never been
out of Denver, Rod.
Oh, I think there
will be a tear or two.
I'm gonna cry a few myself.
I mean, it's not easy
leaving everyone you know.
But then, kids make
friends so easily.
( tender theme playing)
Hey.
You will too.
I already have my best friend.
Thanks.
I think this booklet
is just wonderful.
Thank you for giving it to me.
Oh, it's my
pleasure, Miss, uh...
I'm sorry, I don't
know your name.
Miss Seldon.
Miss Seldon, I'm Mr. Atkins.
Oh, Mr. Atkins.
You're the author.
Well... (chuckles)
I must say I'm a bit surprised
finding a man of your
calling on a cruise ship.
Well, I always like to go
where the biggest challenge is.
You know that last
year on my vacation,
I distributed four suitcases of
these pamphlets in Las Vegas?
One cannot help but
admire your commitment.
I was thrown out of four
different gambling casinos.
A martyr.
I like that in a man.
Thank you.
Miss Seldon,
I hope you don't think
I'm being too forward,
but would you like to
go to the lounge with me
and join me in a nice,
tall, cool lemonade?
Well, uh,
why not?
I'm here to live it up.
(chuckles)
Mr. Atkins, you amaze me.
You always say the right thing.
Well, not when confronted
with a member of
the fairer sex, darn it.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say "darn it."
You shouldn't have said "sex."
You're absolutely right.
Please accept my apology.
Oh, no need to apologize.
Even the best of us can stumble.
How true.
Fortunately, there are
people like you around
to keep us from falling.
If only the people at the
network could understand that.
(chuckles)
They sent me on this cruise.
I'm a television censor.
A television censor?
What an admirable profession.
And this cruise is your
reward for a job well done?
Quite the contrary.
They think I'm narrow-minded
and that I should
experience more of life.
They're wrong, of course.
I am an extremely
enlightened woman.
And actually,
I think of myself
as being quite hep.
Or is it hip?
Uh... Miss Seldon? Uh-huh.
Would you like to have
dinner with me tonight?
(giggles)
Oh, I'd be delighted.
But I have to change first.
I'll walk you to your cabin.
Uh, Mr. Atkins.
Not on our first date.
Of course.
( upbeat theme playing)
It's really nice to finally
meet you, captain.
We've heard so many fine
things about you from Julie.
Well, you should be very proud
of your daughter, Mrs. McCoy.
What she does on this
ship is extremely important,
and she does it better than
anyone I've ever sailed with.
Well, thank you, sir.
Oh, and if you hold that
over my head to get a raise,
I'll deny I ever said it.
Yes, sir.
Well, your daughter says
you have a 30th
anniversary coming up.
So why don't we
celebrate it here on the ship,
our last night out?
Uh... JULIE: Oh, a party!
I think that's a super idea!
See, I told you I
had a great boss.
If you ever hold that over
my head, I'll deny I said it.
(laughs)
GOPHER (on PA): Miss
McCoy to the Lido Deck,
Miss McCoy to the
Lido Deck, please.
Hm, well, maybe I'll get to
see you at the party. Bye-bye.
(giggles)
Well, that's some
young lady you raised.
My compliments.
Well.
Is there something wrong?
( tender theme playing)
Well, we have
something to tell Julie,
and it just couldn't be said
on the phone or in a letter.
MRS. McCOY: This isn't
exactly a pleasure cruise.
(sighs)
We came to tell her
we're getting a divorce.
( dramatic theme playing)
( mellow theme playing)
(soft lounge music
playing over speakers)
Rocky.
Come on, honey.
At least I didn't miss it.
Hi. Hi there.
Great dinner, huh?
The best.
Master Martin here
was getting a little antsy,
so I decided to move on.
(giggles)
(laughs)
Can I be excused, Mom?
Can we go and hang out?
Uh, sure. Just be kind to
your fellow passengers, please.
She means don't bug anybody. Mm.
Normie. Come on.
Sit down.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, well, Rocky's wearing
her formal jeans
for this occasion.
At our house,
dress is a dirty word.
Oh, at our place, uh,
tie is the verboten word.
Don't worry. She'll be
wearing dresses soon enough.
If I remember correctly,
it happens at the same time
you get interested in boys.
Oh.
She's still interested in boys.
(laughing)
Hi, how's your dinner?
Fine. Fine. Good.
But I sure wish we could
catch you sitting down.
Okay, I'm all yours.
(giggles)
Julie... Oh, Gopher!
Gopher, come on
and join us, okay?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good evening.
Having a nice cruise?
Fine. Oh, yes, thank you.
Terrific. Gopher.
I see that Miss Seldon
has made a conquest.
Mm.
Who's the unlucky guy?
The one that was handing
out all those pamphlets.
Marion Atkins.
Marion is a guy?
Uh-huh. I checked him
in myself. Cabin F 133.
Oh, boy. Somebody goofed.
Why?
Mr. Atkins and Miss Seldon
are sharing the same cabin.
(chuckles)
I haven't heard any complaints.
Well, I guess you just can't
judge a pamphlet by its cover.
(Julie laughing)
Miss Seldon, would you allow me
to make a rather
bold suggestion?
Why, yes, of course.
I think that we should
celebrate this evening
with something special.
Like a... a bottle of cold duck.
Cold duck?
But, Mr. Atkins, you
never told me that you...
I... I don't usually.
(chuckles)
Let's make it half a bottle.
(both laughing)
That's not fair.
You did it to me first.
Hold it.
I smell danger, Starsky.
I read you, Hutch.
If that bomb goes off, it
can blow up half the city.
We have to defuse it.
Well, no sense both
of us risking our lives.
You wait here. I'll handle this.
Don't you play hero
with me, buddy boy.
You know there are
ghosts on this ship?
Ghosts of dead
sailors eaten by sharks.
Cut it out.
Ever see a sailor once a
shark gets done with him?
It's not a pretty sight.
His head's bit in half,
his arms are all mangled.
Cut it out.
And his guts are dripping out.
I'm the ghost of a mangled
sailor, and you've had it.
I'm gonna take you and
throw you to the sharks.
And they're gonna mangle you.
And they're gonna
bite your head off.
(both screaming)
They'll bite off your head
and mangle your arms!
(band playing funky music)
Right there.
(all chattering)
Well?
Julie, it's too crowded here.
Let's go down to our cabin.
Oh, will later, okay?
First, I wanna see you two
dance together, all right?
Come on. Come on.
(music stops)
(crowd clapping)
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
here's a very special song
for a very special couple.
"Love is a
Many-Splendored Thing."
(band playing "Love is a
Many-Splendored Thing" softly)
Mom, Dad, what's the matter?
I ask them to play
your favorite song,
and you walk off
the dance floor.
Julie dear, we
have to talk to you,
and we just can't do it here.
Let's not drag this out anymore.
Your mother and I
are getting a divorce.
Wh... What?
You're not serious.
I'm afraid we are.
No.
No.
( tender theme playing)
Arlene. Hm?
You sure you're not sorry
we're making this move?
Am I giving that impression?
Well, you seem a
little down tonight.
Oh, Rod.
You know I'd...
I'd go anywhere in
the world with you.
( majestic theme playing)
Why? Can you just tell me why?
Look, honey, wh...
When you left home
and there were no more
children in the house,
for the first time in 20 years,
your father and I
were alone together.
We... We found out
that we didn't have
as much in common as we thought.
But, Daddy, you love each other.
We're comfortable
with each other.
But... Well, we...
We felt that there was something
more out there for both of us.
And whatever that
something is, if...
If we don't find it now,
it's gonna be gone forever.
Can you understand that, huh?
No. No, I can't understand that.
I'll never understand that.
Oh... ( melancholy
theme playing)
Oh.
Julie.
Oh, uh, captain, I...
I'm glad I ran into you.
I... I have to talk to you
about that party for my parents.
I know, Julie.
I know all about it.
Oh... (crying)
Look, if, uh, there's
anything I can do...
You're doing it,
sir. You're doing it.
( upbeat theme playing)
Mr. Atkins, do you think
we had too much cold duck?
What cold duck?
(giggles)
(laughs)
(both laughing)
( romantic theme playing)
Oh, my... Oh, my goodness.
(hiccups)
I think I'd better turn in.
I think it's a wise course.
I'm gonna take a walk.
That's the trouble
with cold duck.
Afterwards, you have
to take a cold shower.
( mellow theme playing)
I don't know how
the Fonz can do it.
Do what?
You know, kissing.
The Fonz does it?
Well, he's always
talking about it.
He must have done it.
You ever?
Are you weird?
If the Fonz does it,
maybe it's worth, uh,
you know, checking out.
You mean us? You're bananas.
If it's awful, we can stop.
And if not, uh...
What's the matter, you chicken?
No way.
Okay. You wanna start?
Well, what's wrong
with you starting?
Oh, brother.
Okay, we'll do it together.
Count to three.
One.
Two.
Two and a half.
Two and three quarters.
Three!
( mellow theme playing)
It was a gross-out, wasn't it?
Super colossal gross-out.
Well, it's getting late.
I'd better go find my folks.
And here I was telling you guys
they had the perfect marriage.
Any chance they'll
change their minds?
I really don't think so.
I'm sure a lot of soul-searching
went into their decision.
Julie, sometimes a
couple starts drifting apart,
and the next thing you know,
they've drifted so far
they can't stop themselves.
Julie, you can't live
their lives for them.
You're just gonna have to go
along with whatever they want.
(scoffs)
And if that's a divorce,
maybe you should just try to
make things easier for them.
You mean help them?
It's a tough time
for them, Julie.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I should help them.
Yeah.
Thanks, guys.
You've always been
there when I needed you.
Thanks.
(door closes)
Nice going, guys.
We did it again.
Did what?
Hey, Mom and Dad.
Oh, listen, I'm really sorry
about the way I was earlier.
I was angry and
upset, and I'm sorry.
If a divorce is
what you two want,
then that's what
you should have.
I knew you'd understand.
Now, in the meantime,
it's pretty silly
for the two of you to
have to share a cabin.
So, Mom, you come stay with me.
MRS. McCOY:
Oh, no, really, Julie.
No, it's no imposition
at all, really.
I'll have a steward
come get your bags.
And, Dad, we'll see
you in the morning.
Come on, Mom. Come on.
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
( quirky theme playing)
(knocks on door)
Hel... Hello in there.
(shower running)
I... I'm your cabin mate.
We m... We must have
missed each other last night.
I must have been sleeping.
Hello? Can you hear me?
I... I'd like to
introduce myself.
(shower stops)
Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Gopher.
Have you seen
Mr. Atkins this morning?
Wasn't he in the cabin with you?
I beg your pardon.
What kind of a person
do you think I am?
He must still be sleeping.
Well, if you should see him,
will you please tell him that
I will be on the Lido Deck?
Sure.
Uh, but if he's
still sleeping...
Um, I mean, if
you two are, um...
If he's in, um... Ah... Um...
Good morning, Mom.
Mm. How did you
sleep last night?
Not very well.
It's the first time I remember
sleeping in a bed
without your dad.
Oh, you're gonna have
to get used to that one.
Now, come on, up and at
them. It's a beautiful day.
And I wanna take you up to
meet some of our swinging singles.
Oh, now, Julie, don't do this.
Well, what's holding
you back, Mom?
You're a beautiful woman.
You gotta get out there
and mix and mingle.
Julie, please.
Mom, this is what
I do for a living.
I make sure that everybody's
having a good time.
You said you thought
there was more out there.
Now, go on out
and grab some of it.
( mellow theme playing)
Coming up on deck?
In a while, Mom.
Okay.
Mom? Mm-hm?
Am I weird-looking?
No way.
And you're a heck
of a lot prettier
than any pitcher in the majors.
(giggles)
( mellow theme playing)
"The scent of her
perfume wafted to him.
"Her diaphanous gown
clung to her in the breeze.
"Clive was overcome
by her beauty.
"He pulled her
close and kissed her.
"And kissed her,
and kissed her."
Mom, you've wasted
an entire morning
just sitting here alone.
You've gotta get out
there and meet and greet.
Julie, I haven't done
anything like that for years.
Well, you've gotta get
rid of your inhibitions.
Isaac, come here. Isaac.
My mother needs something
to, uh, get her off
the launching pad.
ISAAC: I have just the thing.
I call this my Bloody
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
What's in it? I don't know.
But I do know that it's
stronger than a bloody mary.
Go ahead, Mom, drink it.
Aha.
(chuckles)
This must be the single lady
you've been telling me about.
You weren't kidding.
She is a knockout.
Martha, Joel.
Joel, Martha.
How do you do?
Two's company, three's a drag.
Excuse me.
Honey, do I have plans for us.
A couple of drinks,
a stroll around the
deck, and then, uh...
Ha-ha. We're not kids anymore,
uh, my cabin or yours?
Hi. Mm. Boy, are you in luck.
Those three ladies
are free as birds.
Come on. Ladies, I'd
like you all to meet Bill.
Oh, hello. Hello.
And may the best woman win.
Well, Bill, are you
traveling alone?
No.
Oh, y... Yes, yes. In a way.
You see, Bill's almost single.
Oh.
Oh...
Well, the doctor says
there's a lot of
that going around.
I got divorced myself last year,
for the third time.
Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.
(laughs)
Hey, Mom, you wanna
see a terrific card trick?
You won't even see me
put the aces up my sleeves.
I hope not. You
don't have a shirt on.
Where's Rocky?
I don't know. I haven't
seen her all day.
Arlene.
Hm?
(gasps)
( mellow theme playing)
Darling, don't stare.
You'll just make her
feel self-conscious.
Honey, you look beautiful.
I do?
Oh, you sure do.
What's that stink?
I don't know.
It's you.
I happen to be wearing perfume.
What did you do, dump
a gallon on yourself?
Normie, that's really rude.
Uh, why don't you and
Rocky go on and play?
Okay. Wanna go swimming?
Probably stink
up the whole pool.
I'd better not. I
might get my hair wet.
So what?
Well, it took a long
time to get it this way.
Swimming is not
gonna hurt that hair.
Normie.
Okay.
You don't wanna swim, you
wanna go skateboarding?
Not in this dress.
It's too diaphanous.
NORMIE: Well, how about a
race? I'll beat you to the bow.
(as Rocky): Not in these shoes.
That's right.
Well, take the dumb shoes off.
They go with the dress.
Rocky, what happened to you?
You used to be fun.
Now you're a drag.
A great, big, smelly drag.
All right. Normie, I want you
to apologize right this minute.
( melancholy theme playing)
Honey, I think I'd
better handle this one.
( upbeat theme playing)
They sure don't leave much
to the imagination, do they?
Well, of course, if
you wore a bikini,
I'm sure that
your natural purity
would shine through,
despite your nakedness.
I'm s... Sorry. I didn't
mean to say naked.
Look, I said it again.
Oh, that's all right.
My prurient interest
was not aroused.
Do you really think I'd
look good in a bikini?
Frankly, I think you'd
look good in anything.
Miss Seldon, last
night on the deck,
I came very near to kissing you.
I have a confession to make.
I wouldn't have
minded if you had.
( romantic theme playing)
(muffled groan)
We must be strong.
I'll need your help.
(sniffs)
Oh, Rocky.
You poor kid.
Being a girl is such a pain.
Normie didn't mean
to say those things.
He just expected his old buddy.
Not a glamorous young woman.
I'm not glamorous.
I looked like a freak.
Boy, I can't win.
If I do the things I like to do,
everybody yells at
me to dress like a girl.
And when I dress like a girl,
I'm an object of ridicule.
Oh.
We're very proud of you, Rocky,
and the things you do so well.
But sometimes, we
just forget to tell you.
And we think
you're beautiful too.
That's why we try to dress
you up and put you on display.
But what you've got, Rocky,
the important qualities,
they don't depend
on what you look like.
So you be yourself.
Say what you think.
And learn to be good
at the things you like.
Don't ever change, honey.
No matter who tries.
Including your
mother and father.
Thanks, Mom.
But I didn't put the
dress on for you.
You didn't?
I put it on for Normie.
Oh.
(knock on door)
Honey, there's a young
man outside to see you.
There is?
Yeah.
Okay. Wait a minute.
Burn this.
(giggles)
Rock.
Hi.
(coughs)
You know, in El Paso,
I play for the Bluebirds.
And our pitcher, he stinks.
So what?
So your Dad tells me
you have a great curveball,
which our team could really use.
You're brilliant, Normie.
What am I supposed to do,
drop in from Denver once a week?
Your dad tells me
you're gonna move.
What? You never told me that.
Well, we were going
to tell you this week
while we were on the cruise.
Well, I'm not moving.
Not to some dumb old town
where everybody's
probably a gorp
and I don't know anybody.
El Paso's not dumb.
How do you know?
I happen to live there, stupid.
Oh. You do? That's right.
And it's not dumb, it's neat.
And you'll be living two
blocks away from us.
Oh.
Do they have a skateboard park?
Uh-uh. Oh, well.
But they're building
one next spring.
And it'll have three
expert runs. Wow.
And we have slalom competitions
at the parking
lot at the school.
That's great!
School's all right,
but be careful
for Mr. Snelgrove.
If you don't do your homework,
he makes a jerk out of you
in front of the whole school.
We call him Sniffy,
Sniffy Snelgrove,
because he's always
making these sniffling noises.
He goes like this:
(in nasally voice): "Class,
would you turn to page...?"
(both laughing)
Mom.
When will we be moving?
Not for three months, dear.
Oh.
Well, you can't have everything.
Normie, wait!
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
(band playing soft music)
Is something bothering you?
Yes. Holding you like this.
It's fun.
Must fun always be wrong?
Well, maybe not with you.
Miss Seldon, last night
I had an opportunity to kiss you
and I didn't take it,
and then this afternoon,
I had another opportunity
and I didn't take it.
Sometimes opportunity
knocks three times.
(gasps)
Shall we go to your cabin?
I have a roommate.
How about your cabin?
I have a roommate too.
Oh, shucks.
Mr. Atkins,
do you realize
what we're saying?
I... I am totally to blame.
No, no, I led you astray.
No, I went willingly, willingly.
How strong the mind,
how weak the flesh.
We must never see
each other again.
Thank you.
Thank you for your strength.
Mm.
It was nice knowing
you, Mr. Atkins.
Goodbye, Miss Seldon.
Miss Seldon, are you all right?
To tell you the truth, no.
I think I'm getting
a little cold.
Well, you looked just
fine on the dance floor.
That was before
the music stopped.
Oh, the band will be back
in just a couple of minutes.
Only Mr. Atkins can
bring back the music.
Ah.
Now I think I think I can
complete my diagnosis.
You're lovesick.
What do you prescribe?
Well, I usually prescribe
an ocean voyage.
(sobs)
(all chattering)
(band playing soft music)
Excuse me, may
I have this dance?
Mom, why did you turn
down that nice Joel Kirby?
I thought I had a great
match going between you two.
I just don't feel like dancing.
Oh, you mean with him.
Well, who would you
like to dance with?
You name any man in the room
and I'll get him
over here for you.
Mom, I thought you
had this all figured out.
This is what being
single is all about.
Isn't it what you expected?
(sighs)
I guess I didn't
know what to expect.
I just wanted some freedom.
Freedom? Freedom to do what?
I don't know,
Julie. I don't know.
Excuse me.
Would you like to dance?
Yes, I'd love to.
Fine.
Play it again, Sam.
(music stops)
Well, Billy baby,
are you going to call me
when you're a free man?
(band playing "Love is a
Many-Splendored Thing" softly)
I'm not sure I
wanna be a free man.
How you doing?
Terrible.
How about you?
Worse.
This being single is
too much like work.
It sure is.
You know, I've been thinking,
maybe the effort
would be better spent
on a relationship which has
already lasted almost 30 years.
That's my roundabout
way of saying...
I love you.
Bill, you can say it
any way you want.
(chuckles)
You know something? Hm?
You're great.
And I'll never deny I said it.
Thank you.
(sighs)
( mellow theme playing)
(sighs)
(sighs)
(yelps) (shouts)
Mr. Atkins, oh!
Miss Seldon.
Mr. Atkins, what is
the meaning of this?
Miss Seldon, I thought that
we agreed to resist temptation.
Mr. Atkins, I think you should
go back to your own cabin.
Miss Seldon... Miss
Seldon, I am in my own cabin.
Don't be silly.
This is my cabin.
Oh, no. Look, Miss
Seldon, here's my key.
Here's yours. Look, see.
(in unison): "F 133."
They made a mistake.
We've been
roommates all this time.
What must people think?
Well they probably
think we're, uh...
But we're not.
We could. What?
We could. Miss Seldon. Oh...
Miss Seldon, will you marry me?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh!
As soon as we dock,
we'll find a justice
of the peace.
Oh. Oh.
What about tonight?
Tonight? Tonight, huh?
Uh-huh. Yes. Oh.
Tonight.
We'd better wait.
Yes. Yes, let's.
(breathing heavily)
(sighs)
(in unison): Let's not!
(muffled): Holy cow!
What?
Holy cow.
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
(horn blaring)
Well, I guess we'd better
round up the munchkins
or we'll never make that plane.
Right.
I'll write you every day.
I'll write twice a day.
Don't go crazy.
Listen, at school, we have
this dance. You wanna go?
Sure, I guess.
They make you wear a dress.
Yeah?
Wear that, uh,
diaphanous one, okay?
Okay.
Normie, it's time to go, okay?
Goodbye, honey.
Bye-bye.
Well, bye. Bye.
It keeps getting
less and less yucky.
I know.
(sighs)
Shall we go home, Rocky?
I guess so.
( upbeat theme playing)
( romantic theme playing)
(clears throat)
Mr. Atkins, wasn't
it you who wrote:
"Public kissing is
a public nuisance"?
What the heck ever made
you write a thing like that?
(chuckles)
I can't speak for your mother,
but I knew what you were
up to all along, you sneaky kid.
Well, that's me.
I guess we both were hoping
you'd do something to stop us.
Well, now, wait.
You two didn't get back
together because of me.
Oh, no.
We both just wanted
some romance in our lives.
And we found it here, together.
You know, your dad is
still a pretty exciting man.
So long, Billy boy.
Well, maybe next time.
(giggles)
See? I'm not the only
one who thinks so.
(laughs)
Bye-bye, Mom. Thank you.
Oh. Oh.
Daddy, thank you.
Thanks for everything, kiddo.
Mm-hm.
How about that?
Still holding hands
after 30 years.
Thank you, sir.
You're welcome.
( upbeat theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)