The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 27 - Third Wheel/Grandmother's Day/Second String Mom - full transcript
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Well, hi. Hi there.
Heh-heh, I'm Mac O'Brien.
This is my wife Maggie.
Oh, yes. The honeymoon
suite is right up the stairs.
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Watch out for this one.
Next he'll be selling us
maps to buried treasure.
Mm. Now that you mention it...
Oh. ( laughs)
Hi. Adam Bricker. Hi.
Welcome to our
Mother's Day cruise.
Thanks. Well, thank you.
Listen, do you have
information on all the ports,
you know, that we stop in?
Because we've never
visited Mexico before,
and we wanna paint
all the towns red.
Well, sure. We've got some
brochures over on the counter.
Let me check your
cabin assignment.
All right, now, don't
run off without me.
Oh, yeah. Mrs. O'Brien,
you and Mac are
in Cabin 347 on...
Hey, you all right?
( dramatic theme playing)
Yes.
( breathing heavily)
Yes, I'm fine.
If there's any problem,
I am the ship's doctor.
No, please, it's just...
It's just all the excitement.
No really, now I'm fine.
Good. good.
Stop flirting with the
help, Maggie Mae.
See you later, Adam. You bet.
Thank you. You're welcome.
( somber theme playing)
Hi. We're the Nobles.
Oh, hello. Welcome
aboard. I'm Julie McCoy.
Let's see. Oh, you
have adjoining cabins.
You're in Aloha 355,
and Aloha 357 for
your father and mother.
She's not our mother. Mary.
( dramatic theme playing)
Look, uh, why don't you
kids go and explore the ship
while we unpack?
Yeah. Come on, I'll show you.
Where's the pool?
Where's the disco?
( all laugh)
( sighs)
Give them some time, Bob.
We've only been married a month.
The cruise is a
great chance for us all
to get to know each other.
Do you know how
terrific you are?
Yep. Oh.
Come on.
( Russian accent): The
train stops in Minsk for dinner.
( Russian accent): But the borscht
will turn the cat's tongue blue.
( both laugh)
Burl, it's so good to see
you. Good to see you, Mom.
You look great. Thank you.
Oh, Mom, listen, I want
you to meet my boss.
Captain Merrill Stubing.
Uh, he's our, um, uh, captain.
That's why they call
me Captain Stubing.
It's a pleasure to
meet you. Thank you.
( British accent): Where's Dad? You
haven't misplaced him again, have you?
Well, you know
how forgetful I am.
No, no, no. He's
supervising the luggage.
Yes. You know how efficient
your father is. Ha-ha. Elliot!
Hello there, Burl. Hi, Dad.
You're looking well. Thank you.
You look in the pink yourself.
Captain Stubing, I'd like you
to meet my father, Elliot Smith.
How do you do? How do you
do? It's nice to meet you, sir.
You've got a fine son here.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
You know, he gave us
this cruise as a present.
Well, it is Mother's Day.
And nothing's too
good for my mom.
( Gopher chuckles)
Come on, I'll show
you to your cabin.
Ahem. Walk this way. ( chuckles)
( imitates Groucho Marx): Oh,
it's not the same without my cigar.
But where you gonna find
a good cigar these days?
( horn blowing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Ah, this is the
life, huh, Maggie?
Sun, sea air. Oh, ho. Oh.
Oh, I wish Joanne
could have come with us.
Oh, honey.
Come on, Joanne's
happy where she is,
at college with her friends.
The last of our babies.
( sighs)
It's gonna be lonesome at home.
No, no. It's gonna be wonderful.
What, for the first
time in 31 years,
no more diapers to change,
no more lollipops
stuck to my pants,
nobody bothering
me about the car keys.
Oh. Oh, heaven.
Oh, come on, Mac,
you know you love kids.
Only other people's from now on.
I'm gonna go see where
the shuffleboard
tournament's being held.
( somber theme playing)
Mrs. O'Brien, you okay?
I d... I don't know. I
feel kind of dizzy again.
Guess I'm not a
very good sailor.
I'd really like to
take a look at you.
Okay.
But don't say anything to Mac.
Huh? I really don't
want him to worry.
Be in my office in 30 minutes.
Okay.
And you can imagine how I felt
when I found out he
really was Reggie Jackson.
( both laugh)
Hi. Mind if I join you?
I didn't know we
were coming apart.
( both laugh)
So, Dad, you
enjoying the cruise?
Oh, sure. I just hope I
don't go out of business
while I'm here.
Tsk. Dad, come on.
This is supposed
to be a vacation.
Will you stop worrying
about the business?
Oh, son, I'm not really worried.
The... The business is just fine.
Where's Mom?
Oh, she'll be here in a minute.
We were gonna take
a stroll around the ship.
Gopher... Oh, I
mean, Burl. Gopher.
Okay, Gopher. What are
you gonna do for the show?
Uh, crew show. Tomorrow
night for Mother's Day.
Oh.
Featuring an evening
with Isaac Washington.
Featuring three and
a half minutes, tops,
with Isaac Washington. Well?
Well, um... Hey, don't
worry about Smith.
Okay.
But you be sure and let us know.
Okay.
As soon as you know. Okay.
Okay. Next stop, the kitchen.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me the chef is
going to play his tribute to Elvis
on the spoons again.
It's either that, or
he'll hum a medley
of his favorite recipes.
Some choice.
( chuckles) Recipes.
( mellow theme playing)
Hello. BOTH: Hi.
Uh, can we have $5? We
wanna get some postcards.
Five dollars for postcards?
Uh, we have a lot of friends.
( chuckles)
Here's $2. Make some enemies.
Oh, let me pin that for you.
I can do it myself.
Judy.
It's all right.
It's not all right. Apologize.
( tense theme playing)
I'm sorry.
Can we go now?
Go ahead.
( sighs)
You can't make them like me.
There's no excuse
for that behavior.
Try to understand how they feel.
They don't want to
share you with me.
I don't blame them.
Well, I wanna
share you with them.
There's been a big void
in our lives since Meg died.
The kids need you
as much as I do.
And I need all of you.
But you can't force
them into accepting me.
They have to decide
that for themselves.
Well, I'm just sorry
it's so tough on you.
Anything worth having
is worth working for.
I knew that when I said, "I do."
( chuckles)
You never know what you're
gonna get at these crew shows.
Remember last year?
We had an engineer who
did his imitation of an anchor.
How was it? Heavy.
( all laugh)
Oh, by the way, when
Roz and I were in college,
we used to do a touching
version of... Of "Sonny Boy."
Dad.
Mom told me about
that. That's a great idea.
What is a great idea?
Mom, I'm gonna do
"Sonny Boy" tomorrow night
for the crew show.
Of course, it takes two people.
Yeah. Do you
wanna do it with me?
ROZ: Has your mother
ever let you down?
GOPHER: Well,
then, let's go rehearse.
Me? Rehearse?
Maybe you need
a little rehearsing.
Honey, aren't we
gonna take our stroll?
What? And give up show business?
Oh, see you later, honey.
( upbeat theme playing)
( somber theme playing)
I'm sorry to be so long.
I was just
double-checking your tests.
Is something wrong?
Well, we have good
news and good news.
Hey.
The good news
is you're not sick.
( sighs)
Okay.
W-what's the good news?
Maggie, you're
gonna have a baby.
( sighs)
You all right?
Yeah.
Well, see, I just
wasn't expecting to...
be expecting.
Hey. Hey, that's
wonderful, isn't it?
Yeah.
Hey, that's... That's terrible.
I have to tell Mac.
Well, yes.
Uh, a woman usually
lets her husband in
on this sort of thing.
Unless, of course, he
happens to be planning
a trip around the world.
( dramatic theme playing)
( romantic theme playing)
( light jazz music playing)
Hello. Hi.
Good evening. Hello.
Oh, don't look now.
Here she comes.
Where's Daddy?
I don't know.
Your dad will be
down in a few minutes.
Business call. He said
to go ahead and order.
Mary, what are you gonna have?
I don't know.
Ooh. How about the lobster?
I hate lobster.
How about you?
I wanna wait for my father.
Yeah, it's a lot more
fun when it's the family.
Look, guys.
I'll level with you.
I've got a problem.
Can't go on like this.
I know it's not
easy to accept me
as part of the family.
And believe me, I'm not
trying to replace your mother.
But I would like
to, you know, fit in.
Maybe as friend?
You gotta help me. What
is it that you want from me?
We don't want anything from you.
I see.
Well, I, uh... I thought
it was worth a try.
Your table's right over
there. Enjoy your dinner.
Here we are. Good evening.
Good evening. How you doing?
The captain is
expecting you at his table.
Well, tell him to be patient.
I'll be there presently.
Not you. Your mother and father.
May I show you the way?
Have a nice dinner.
You know, your
folks are really a gas.
Yeah.
And your dad seems
like a really nice guy.
Yeah.
Don't you two get along?
Yeah. Sure.
I guess.
You know, my dad died
when I was pretty young.
But I remember we used
to go to the park on Sunday.
And we'd shoot
baskets or fly kites.
Or, you know, just
kind of hang out.
Well, my dad wasn't
too much for hanging out.
That's too bad.
Yeah.
Maybe he didn't like me. Heh.
( inaudible dialogue)
( moans)
Will you look at those
desserts? I could eat 'em all.
Maybe I will.
Ah, I'm gonna start
with that chocolate éclair,
'cause I gotta have it.
( chuckles)
Maggie, oh, I tell you,
these cruises are sensational.
Let's go to Alaska next, huh?
Yeah. Hey, here. Get
a look at Glacier Bay.
Um, hey, that's terrific, but...
Don't like Alaska? All
right, all right, no problem.
Here, we have your
Trinidad and Tobago.
And your Caribbean.
( sighs) Or...
Or we could go for
the big one, huh?
Take a year off.
Take a trip around the world.
Oh, Maggie, I tell you,
the freedom we have now.
I feel like a kid again.
( sniffs)
Mac? Mmm?
Ah, I have
something to tell you.
Yeah. Oh, uh, I'll have
the chocolate éclair.
Mmm.
Yes, what? What is it, hon?
Okay.
How would you feel...?
I mean... Okay.
What would you
think if I told you...?
Well, come on, come on, Maggie.
I mean, you know, the
suspense is killing me.
Uh, okay.
If... If I... If I... I'm...
If I have that chocolate éclair?
Oh, well, what the heck.
Heh-heh. It's Mother's Day.
Oh. I'll just, um,
have a cherry thing.
Or maybe an apple tart.
Oh, well, let's... Let's have
a look at the whole thing.
( romantic theme playing)
( light piano music playing)
( indistinct chattering)
Hey. Hey.
Doctor, good
evening. How are you?
Come on, Maggie Mae, let's
show 'em how it's done, huh?
'Cause dancing...
Dancing is my life.
Yeah, maybe we
could just sit and talk.
Oh, well, all right.
I-I wouldn't wanna make 'em
look bad anyway. Heh-heh.
Hey, first, I'm gonna get
us one of those fancy drinks.
Doc, would you
find Ginger a seat?
And old Fred will be right back.
All right. Ha-ha.
Now, there goes a happy man.
Now he's happy.
Wait till he finds
out I'm pregnant.
You mean, you didn't tell him?
Well, he's so busy having
a good time. Making plans.
I can't get a baby in edgewise.
You're gonna have to tell him.
Tsk. Yeah. Maybe
in my fourth month.
( up-tempo jazz music playing)
( chuckles)
There you go, Mr. O'Brien.
Two Pacific Purple Passions.
Hey, what are they?
Three bucks apiece.
( all laugh)
Oh, I haven't danced
like that in years.
Where did you learn those moves?
In college, I majored
in Applied Disco.
Oh. Well, I...
I learned a few moves
in college too, you know.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.
Like this.
( up-tempo jazz music playing)
( music stops, crowd applauds)
Ah.
( up-tempo jazz music playing)
( grunts)
There we go.
I'm parched.
( Southern accent): Oh, well,
now, that's mighty heavy work
we've been doing there, ma'am.
Matter of fact, I was wondering
if I could get
you a sarsaparilla
to wet your whistle,
or maybe even a whistle
to wet your sarsaparilla.
( both laugh)
The choice is yours.
Well, now, that's
mighty noble of you, son.
And I'd be beholden to you
if you'd flavor
that sarsaparilla
with a little moonshine.
One whiskey and
sarsaparilla coming up.
( normal voice): How about
you, Dad? You want something?
No, nothing for me.
Thank you, son. I'm fine.
( Southern accent):
Hold down the fort.
Evening, Tex.
Tex? I'm from Maryland.
Evening, Mary.
Well, excuse us.
Ah, I never saw him
kiss Mom like that.
BOB: Hold it.
Uh, honey, I'll, uh...
I'll meet you back
in the lounge.
I wanna talk to the girls.
All right.
( somber theme playing)
It's time we had a little talk.
Now, I knew there would be a
period of adjustment with Lee.
But it's gotten out of hand.
Well, why don't you two
just tell me why it is you
feel the way you feel?
Well, you didn't ask us how
we felt before you married her.
I see.
I should have asked
your permission?
Oh, Daddy.
Look, I married Lee
because I love her.
Why should that change
anything between us?
What about Mom?
Oh, I loved your
mom, you know that.
Not a day goes by
that I don't think of her.
When I look at you,
I... I see her eyes.
And you have her hair.
When Meg died, I
thought I'd died too.
But we go on.
We have to.
And she'd want us
to, don't you think?
It's hard when you
lose somebody you love.
But that doesn't mean you can't
ever care about somebody else.
Or let somebody care about you.
Do you understand?
I guess so.
Sure, Daddy.
Good.
Come on.
( tender theme playing)
Isn't this fun?
Don't you think you're
overdoing it just a little?
( light jazz music playing)
What?
Well, all this clowning
around is fine at home,
but this is where Burl works.
That man over there is his boss.
I'm afraid you're
embarrassing your son.
I-I'm sorry.
I just wasn't thinking.
I get carried away.
GOPHER: Here we are.
Ta-da!
Ah.
Hey, Mom,
I'll bet I can
balance that cherry
on the end of my nose
longer than you can.
Oh, I'm pooped.
If you don't mind, I think
we'd better call it a night.
No, of course. I don't mind.
I'll see you tomorrow, dear.
Good night, son.
Good night, Dad.
Mac, you know what
just popped into my head?
The apartment we lived in
when we were first married.
Now isn't that strange?
Mm-hm.
Heh.
It's freezing in the winter
and boiling in the summer.
Plumbing was
always breaking down.
Furniture was coming apart.
You suppose I was
thinking about that
because that's
where Ken was born?
Well...
I guess that's probably
the happiest thing
that can happen
between two people.
A child coming into their lives.
The beautiful thing is
it can even happen
to people at our age.
In fact, it is happening
to people at our age.
( romantic theme playing)
Mac.
We're going to have a baby.
( sighs)
Well, with the baby coming,
you'll need all the
sleep you can get.
( dramatic theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Morning, Daddy. Good morning.
Hi, Lee. Hi.
Uh, can we go into Puerto
Vallarta this afternoon?
Hey, sounds great.
Yeah, we could rent a car.
Ah, we wanted
to go by ourselves.
Well, uh... ( chuckles)
I don't know. We're old enough.
Come on, Daddy.
Mary takes Spanish.
And we'll only be
gone a couple of hours.
Well, uh...
I don't think they
should go by themselves.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry. I just don't
think it's a good idea.
Two kids alone in
a strange country.
Daddy?
Mmm. Now that I think
about it, Lee's right. I'm sorry.
But, Dad...
BOB: Look, if you
wanna leave the ship,
we'll be glad to come with you.
You can go any
place you wanna go.
Never mind. It's not the same.
( scoffs)
Thanks a lot.
No... ( somber theme playing)
Now I feel like a parent.
Thank you.
( upbeat theme playing)
Hi, Dad. Ahem.
Hey, Mom.
What do you get when you cross
one rooster with
another rooster?
Two very cross roosters.
You like that?
You're gonna love
this. Watch this.
It's my pet. Ahem.
Hello.
My name is Herman,
the handkerchief.
What's yours?
( giggles)
Oh.
We're the swinging
swizzle sisters.
Join us in a drink?
( indistinct chatter)
Please, excuse me.
( somber theme playing)
What's wrong with Dad?
Uh, nothing.
Well, he doesn't seem like
he's having a very good time.
Oh, uh, honey, he... He's
just concerned about you.
What?
Oh, I get carried away.
You do have
your job to think of.
What are you talking about?
Your father's right, dear.
I act like a lunatic.
It must be a little
embarrassing for you.
He said that?
( sighs)
I'm gonna have to
have a little talk with him.
No, Burl, wait. No, Mom.
Someone has to
straighten him out.
Burl, please wait.
He didn't mean to hurt you.
I don't mind if he hurts
me. I'm a big boy now.
But if he hurts you,
then he's gone too far.
( tense theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
MAN ( on PA): Good morning
and welcome to Puerto Vallarta.
All those wishing
to go parasailing,
meet on the Coral Deck
gangway in 10 minutes.
Well, honey.
All set for a day
in Puerto Vallarta?
Oh, well. Well...
Isaac says there's
a, you know, a little...
A little restaurant
that specializes
in chicken mole.
You know, the chocolate sauce?
Honey, I...
I don't think I'm up to
chocolate-covered chicken today.
I, um...
In fact, I don't think
I'll even go into town.
Why don't you go without me?
What's the matter, honey?
Mac, do you know
what I would really like?
A strawberry
malted and a pickle.
Oh, no.
Mm-hm.
I'm pregnant.
It's, uh...
It's a joke. Right,
huh? It's a joke...
( laughs)
It's Mother's Day.
Hey. Heh-heh-heh.
I'm not joking.
Maggie, how did this happen?
I-I-I know how it
happened. It's just...
It's just...
I don't know what it is.
Please, Mac, please
be as thrilled as I am.
I know this means a change
in your plans, but don't be mad.
No, I'm not mad.
I... I'm stunned.
( dramatic theme playing)
Are you...? Are you all right?
To tell you the
truth, I'm exhausted.
I think I'll go lie
down for a while.
I'll help you.
Honey, I've been through
this six times. I can handle it.
I just wanna be
sure that you can.
Good.
Enjoy the sun.
I'll see you later.
( upbeat music playing on radio)
Boy, she acts like
she owns Daddy.
Yeah, and now we
have to do what she says.
I don't care what she says.
I'm going to Puerto Vallarta.
But Daddy said we can't...
How's he gonna find out?
We'll be back before dinner.
Besides, he would have let
us go if she hadn't butted in.
Yeah. Who cares what
she thinks, anyway?
Let's go.
I just can't understand why
everybody calls him Gopher.
Doesn't he like the
name Burl? Not much.
Burl was my father's
name, you know.
I love it.
Ah, I tell you, it's
awfully disconcerting
having to ask a stranger
about your own son.
Well, it's hard to be close
when he's at sea all the time.
MAN ( on PA): Captain
Stubing to the bridge.
Captain Stubing to
the bridge, please.
To tell you the truth, captain,
we were never really very close.
When he was
just a little fellow,
I was out on the road
10 months a year.
And, well, we seemed to miss
all that wonderful
father-and-son stuff.
Fortunately, I had a desk job
by the time Jennifer came along.
But by that time, Burl was
already off and on his own.
And I... I guess we...
We'll just never...
( sniffles)
Elliot, only the past
can't be changed.
( somber theme playing)
Excuse me. ( sniffles)
Dad.
What are you thinking of?
Mom is not embarrassing me.
And you have no right
to ruin her vacation.
Wait, Burl, I-I just...
Look, even if you don't
care that much about me,
don't take it out on her.
Don't care about you?
You're my son. I care
about you very much.
GOPHER: Well, then, why
do you act the way you do?
I've always felt
like an outsider
around you and your mom.
I guess I'm jealous.
I-I guess I wish you'd let
me in on all the... All the fun.
It's probably too
late for that now.
( sobbing)
Son, I hardly know you.
And you don't know me at all.
( tender theme playing)
I suppose I wouldn't
mind if you didn't want to...
Oh, Dad. Oh, son.
Son, son.
ELLIOT: It's okay... Gopher.
( sobs): Oh, Dad.
Son, son.
( uplifting theme playing)
( Gopher sniffles)
This one's on me, Mac.
To help you celebrate.
Celebrate?
Isaac, I'll be 76 years old
before this kid's on his own.
My dad was in his
fifties when I was born.
Lots of people have
children at your age.
I know. I'm just not through
feeling sorry for myself yet.
( both laugh)
Well, with a family of six,
at least you know
which end to powder.
Yeah, yeah.
I remember Kenny, our first.
See, yeah, he was so little
I was afraid to touch him.
By the time Joanne came
along, I was a real pro.
Why, I could diaper
her with one hand,
tie Gina's shoes with the other,
make a tuna sandwich in between.
( both laugh)
Oh, we had a lot of
laughs in those days.
Good times, huh?
The best.
Well, it looks like
you're not gonna have
much time for memories.
You'll be making new ones.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I will.
( both laugh)
Oh, hi. Hi, Julie. Mac. Hi, Mac.
Um, Maggie's had
a little accident.
Is she...? Is she okay? I
mean, what happened?
Well, she's all
right. She's fine.
She just tripped and
fell on some steps,
but she's with Doc now.
Oh, well... She's okay, Mac.
Oh, now that tickles.
( both laugh)
You think that's funny,
you should hear my
Jimmy Carter impression.
Okay.
How's that? That's pretty good.
That does it. Good. Oh, hi, hon.
Are you okay? Sure.
I just twisted my ankle.
I fell off my shoes.
How's the baby?
Just fine.
( tender theme playing)
Oh, thank God.
Well, come on,
don't just sit there.
I gotta go out and
buy some cigars.
( all laugh)
( phone ringing)
Hello?
JUDY ( on phone): It's Judy.
Judy, where are you?
Your dad's been
looking all over...
Is he there? We
gotta talk to him.
No. He's not here right now.
Just tell me where you are.
( sobs): We're in jail.
( girls sobbing)
You're what?
We're in jail.
A-all right. Ju... Calm down.
Listen, everything's
gonna be okay.
I'll come and get you.
Oh, Mom, good. Hi.
Hi. Um...
listen, about tonight.
Listen, about tonight.
( both laugh)
You go ahead. You go ahead.
You first.
Well, I was thinking, you know,
that "Sonny Boy" number
is really your father's idea.
And...
And I was thinking
the same thing, and...
BOTH: Would it be okay with
you if he went on in my place?
( both laugh)
I love you. Of course you do.
I'm your mother.
( laughs)
Happy Mother's Day.
( laughs)
( tranquil theme playing)
MAN ( on PA): Good evening.
For all those not
dining ashore tonight,
we are serving a buffet dinner
in the Coral Dining Room.
Thanks again,
captain, for all your help.
No problem, Mrs. Noble.
I'm just sorry the girls had
an unpleasant adventure.
If you'll excuse me,
I have dinner guests.
And the captain's table
isn't the captain's table
without the captain.
Excuse me.
Come on. We'd
better find your father.
He probably thinks
I fell overboard.
Lee.
Mary and I just
wanted to say that,
well, y-you didn't have
to go to all the trouble.
You know what I mean?
And you're very welcome.
And thanks for not telling
Dad about coming to get us.
I mean, he'd absolutely kill us.
JUDY: We didn't mean
to do anything bad.
We didn't know you
had to have a tourist card.
And Judy didn't mean to
be rude to that policeman.
Oh, it wasn't just me.
Look, it's all over now and
everybody's safe and sound.
I didn't tell your dad,
but I really think you
should tell him now.
( sighs)
There you are.
Is everybody playing
hide-and-seek around here?
Mm. You never
showed up in the bar.
And where have
you two been all day?
Uh, some kids had a cabin party.
Great disco music. I really
worked up an appetite.
Yeah, me too.
Race you to the buffet. Yeah.
Heh-heh. Kids.
Well, no harm done.
( tranquil theme playing)
( band plays, crowd applauds)
I'll be back in a minute.
I'm gonna get us
some more munchies.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a flute.
I don't mean to insult
your intelligence,
but when I play it,
I don't want you to
say, "What is that?"
( crowd laughing)
This is for mothers everywhere.
( soft flute music playing)
Wasn't this afternoon a trip?
I've never been so
scared in my whole life.
Till you showed
up with the captain.
You're a real friend. Heh.
Frankly, I don't know if
I wanna be your friend.
I tried to help you out
and you repaid me
by lying to your father.
I thought you had a lot
more going for you than that.
Think about it.
Oh, I can't, I can't.
For heaven's sake, I
haven't sung "Sonny Boy"
since I was in college.
( whispers): But
it's an emergency.
I can't go on like this.
Dad, we're all counting on you.
You remember the
words, don't you?
How could I forget the words
to the only song I ever learned?
( normal voice):
Oh, that's great.
( whispers): I mean,
that's great that you'll do it.
No, no.
Wait a minute.
What have I got to lose?
Sure, sure.
The show must go on.
The show must go on.
I wish I'd said that.
( normal voice): Knock 'em dead.
( whispers): Knock
'em dead, you two.
The show must go on.
The show must go on. Must go on.
Yipee!
( tranquil theme playing)
More hide-and-seek?
Hey.
What's wrong, hon?
Oh, it's nothing.
( sniffles)
It's just...
Oh, Bob, as a
parent, I'm a total flop.
BOB: Oh, well, now,
what are you talking about?
The girls really seem
to be coming along.
That's the problem.
Things just aren't
what they seem.
Dad?
Dad, we have
something to tell you.
We lied to you before.
We didn't go to a party.
We went to Puerto
Vallarta this afternoon.
Oh.
And... we got arrested.
Lee came and got us out of jail.
Jail?
And you didn't
tell me? Well, I...
I am their father, you
know. I'm sorry, Bob.
But it wasn't as
bad as it sounds
and I just thought...
BOB: You thought.
Well, you thought wrong.
JUDY: Don't pick on Lee,
it wasn't her fault.
Yeah. She wanted us to tell you.
Only we let her down.
( tender theme playing)
So if you're gonna yell
at anybody, yell at us.
Well, if you want
me to yell at you.
Heh. Bet you'd rather
go dancing, right?
Yeah. Dancing with Mom.
( uplifting theme playing)
Oh. Oh.
( all laugh)
Oh, come on.
Okay.
Oh, and another thing.
We'll always have babysitters.
And if our kids are
busy, well, by golly,
we'll do just what
the young folks do.
We'll put the baby on our back
and hike off into
the wild blue yonder.
( both laugh)
You know, one thing bothers me.
What? What darling?
Well, we've
already got six kids.
We're really running
out of names.
Oh, no.
JULIE: Okay, folks,
and now for our final act,
we have a real treat.
I wish that they were brothers,
so I could make a
joke about cough drops,
but they are father and son.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Smith and Smith.
( crowd applauds)
( upbeat tune playing)
( all laugh)
( "Sonny Boy" playing)
♪ Climb upon my knee Sonny boy ♪
( crowd laughs)
You're putting on
a little weight, kid.
♪ You are only 3 Sonny boy ♪
Twenty-three. Really?
My, how time flies.
( crowd laughs)
ELLIOT: ♪ You've
no way of knowing ♪
♪ There's no way of showing ♪
♪ What you mean to me ♪
♪ Sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny ♪
( high-pitched): ♪ Boy ♪
♪ When there are gray skies
I don't mind the gray skies ♪
♪ You make 'em blue Sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny ♪
( high-pitched): ♪ Boy ♪
Knock it off, will you?
( crowd laughs)
ELLIOT: ♪ Friends
may forsake me ♪
♪ Let 'em Let 'em
all forsake me ♪
♪ I still have you Sonny boy ♪
( angrily): ♪ Oh, sonny boy ♪
( grunts)
( crowd laughs)
♪ You're sent from heaven
And I know your worth ♪
♪ Why you... ♪
( crowd laughs)
♪ You've made a heaven ♪
( voice cracks): ♪ For
me right here on... ♪
Gee, whiz.
( off-key): ♪ Earth ♪
♪ When I'm old and gray, dear ♪
♪ Promise you won't stray Dear ♪
♪ I... ♪
Now?
In the middle of the song?
You couldn't have
gone back in the cabin?
( crowd laughs)
♪ I love you so Sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny boy ♪
( band plays, crowd applauds)
( whistles)
Dad, you know I love you.
I love you too, son.
ROZ: Encore! Encore!
Encore! Encore!
And just what happened
to your laryngitis?
Oh, that old thing. Heh.
Oh, it just needed
the right medicine.
A good dose of happiness.
Oh.
( tender theme playing)
( laughs)
( upbeat theme playing)
Hey, Lee, are you
any good at baking?
Not bad. Why?
I'm on the food committee
for the spring dance,
and I've gotta make
cookies for 250.
( laughs)
Well, that makes
it official, Mother.
Oh.
Bye. GIRLS: Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Now, don't feel you have
to name the baby after me.
Gee, that never occurred to me.
Me neither. Heh.
Yeah. Who'd wanna
name a baby "Doc"?
( all laugh)
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
( all laugh)
Be sure to come
see us again. Soon.
Oh, we will.
But until we do,
please take care
of our little boy.
And see that he gets
some singing lessons.
Me too. ( all laugh)
GOPHER: You know something,
this has been the best
possible Mother's Day ever.
The day I discovered my dad.
Hey, maybe we can do it all
over again on Father's Day.
See you later. Bye.
Bye, captain.
That's what I call
a happy ending.
( uplifting theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
Well, hi. Hi there.
Heh-heh, I'm Mac O'Brien.
This is my wife Maggie.
Oh, yes. The honeymoon
suite is right up the stairs.
Oh, ho-ho-ho.
Watch out for this one.
Next he'll be selling us
maps to buried treasure.
Mm. Now that you mention it...
Oh. ( laughs)
Hi. Adam Bricker. Hi.
Welcome to our
Mother's Day cruise.
Thanks. Well, thank you.
Listen, do you have
information on all the ports,
you know, that we stop in?
Because we've never
visited Mexico before,
and we wanna paint
all the towns red.
Well, sure. We've got some
brochures over on the counter.
Let me check your
cabin assignment.
All right, now, don't
run off without me.
Oh, yeah. Mrs. O'Brien,
you and Mac are
in Cabin 347 on...
Hey, you all right?
( dramatic theme playing)
Yes.
( breathing heavily)
Yes, I'm fine.
If there's any problem,
I am the ship's doctor.
No, please, it's just...
It's just all the excitement.
No really, now I'm fine.
Good. good.
Stop flirting with the
help, Maggie Mae.
See you later, Adam. You bet.
Thank you. You're welcome.
( somber theme playing)
Hi. We're the Nobles.
Oh, hello. Welcome
aboard. I'm Julie McCoy.
Let's see. Oh, you
have adjoining cabins.
You're in Aloha 355,
and Aloha 357 for
your father and mother.
She's not our mother. Mary.
( dramatic theme playing)
Look, uh, why don't you
kids go and explore the ship
while we unpack?
Yeah. Come on, I'll show you.
Where's the pool?
Where's the disco?
( all laugh)
( sighs)
Give them some time, Bob.
We've only been married a month.
The cruise is a
great chance for us all
to get to know each other.
Do you know how
terrific you are?
Yep. Oh.
Come on.
( Russian accent): The
train stops in Minsk for dinner.
( Russian accent): But the borscht
will turn the cat's tongue blue.
( both laugh)
Burl, it's so good to see
you. Good to see you, Mom.
You look great. Thank you.
Oh, Mom, listen, I want
you to meet my boss.
Captain Merrill Stubing.
Uh, he's our, um, uh, captain.
That's why they call
me Captain Stubing.
It's a pleasure to
meet you. Thank you.
( British accent): Where's Dad? You
haven't misplaced him again, have you?
Well, you know
how forgetful I am.
No, no, no. He's
supervising the luggage.
Yes. You know how efficient
your father is. Ha-ha. Elliot!
Hello there, Burl. Hi, Dad.
You're looking well. Thank you.
You look in the pink yourself.
Captain Stubing, I'd like you
to meet my father, Elliot Smith.
How do you do? How do you
do? It's nice to meet you, sir.
You've got a fine son here.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
You know, he gave us
this cruise as a present.
Well, it is Mother's Day.
And nothing's too
good for my mom.
( Gopher chuckles)
Come on, I'll show
you to your cabin.
Ahem. Walk this way. ( chuckles)
( imitates Groucho Marx): Oh,
it's not the same without my cigar.
But where you gonna find
a good cigar these days?
( horn blowing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Ah, this is the
life, huh, Maggie?
Sun, sea air. Oh, ho. Oh.
Oh, I wish Joanne
could have come with us.
Oh, honey.
Come on, Joanne's
happy where she is,
at college with her friends.
The last of our babies.
( sighs)
It's gonna be lonesome at home.
No, no. It's gonna be wonderful.
What, for the first
time in 31 years,
no more diapers to change,
no more lollipops
stuck to my pants,
nobody bothering
me about the car keys.
Oh. Oh, heaven.
Oh, come on, Mac,
you know you love kids.
Only other people's from now on.
I'm gonna go see where
the shuffleboard
tournament's being held.
( somber theme playing)
Mrs. O'Brien, you okay?
I d... I don't know. I
feel kind of dizzy again.
Guess I'm not a
very good sailor.
I'd really like to
take a look at you.
Okay.
But don't say anything to Mac.
Huh? I really don't
want him to worry.
Be in my office in 30 minutes.
Okay.
And you can imagine how I felt
when I found out he
really was Reggie Jackson.
( both laugh)
Hi. Mind if I join you?
I didn't know we
were coming apart.
( both laugh)
So, Dad, you
enjoying the cruise?
Oh, sure. I just hope I
don't go out of business
while I'm here.
Tsk. Dad, come on.
This is supposed
to be a vacation.
Will you stop worrying
about the business?
Oh, son, I'm not really worried.
The... The business is just fine.
Where's Mom?
Oh, she'll be here in a minute.
We were gonna take
a stroll around the ship.
Gopher... Oh, I
mean, Burl. Gopher.
Okay, Gopher. What are
you gonna do for the show?
Uh, crew show. Tomorrow
night for Mother's Day.
Oh.
Featuring an evening
with Isaac Washington.
Featuring three and
a half minutes, tops,
with Isaac Washington. Well?
Well, um... Hey, don't
worry about Smith.
Okay.
But you be sure and let us know.
Okay.
As soon as you know. Okay.
Okay. Next stop, the kitchen.
Oh, no.
Don't tell me the chef is
going to play his tribute to Elvis
on the spoons again.
It's either that, or
he'll hum a medley
of his favorite recipes.
Some choice.
( chuckles) Recipes.
( mellow theme playing)
Hello. BOTH: Hi.
Uh, can we have $5? We
wanna get some postcards.
Five dollars for postcards?
Uh, we have a lot of friends.
( chuckles)
Here's $2. Make some enemies.
Oh, let me pin that for you.
I can do it myself.
Judy.
It's all right.
It's not all right. Apologize.
( tense theme playing)
I'm sorry.
Can we go now?
Go ahead.
( sighs)
You can't make them like me.
There's no excuse
for that behavior.
Try to understand how they feel.
They don't want to
share you with me.
I don't blame them.
Well, I wanna
share you with them.
There's been a big void
in our lives since Meg died.
The kids need you
as much as I do.
And I need all of you.
But you can't force
them into accepting me.
They have to decide
that for themselves.
Well, I'm just sorry
it's so tough on you.
Anything worth having
is worth working for.
I knew that when I said, "I do."
( chuckles)
You never know what you're
gonna get at these crew shows.
Remember last year?
We had an engineer who
did his imitation of an anchor.
How was it? Heavy.
( all laugh)
Oh, by the way, when
Roz and I were in college,
we used to do a touching
version of... Of "Sonny Boy."
Dad.
Mom told me about
that. That's a great idea.
What is a great idea?
Mom, I'm gonna do
"Sonny Boy" tomorrow night
for the crew show.
Of course, it takes two people.
Yeah. Do you
wanna do it with me?
ROZ: Has your mother
ever let you down?
GOPHER: Well,
then, let's go rehearse.
Me? Rehearse?
Maybe you need
a little rehearsing.
Honey, aren't we
gonna take our stroll?
What? And give up show business?
Oh, see you later, honey.
( upbeat theme playing)
( somber theme playing)
I'm sorry to be so long.
I was just
double-checking your tests.
Is something wrong?
Well, we have good
news and good news.
Hey.
The good news
is you're not sick.
( sighs)
Okay.
W-what's the good news?
Maggie, you're
gonna have a baby.
( sighs)
You all right?
Yeah.
Well, see, I just
wasn't expecting to...
be expecting.
Hey. Hey, that's
wonderful, isn't it?
Yeah.
Hey, that's... That's terrible.
I have to tell Mac.
Well, yes.
Uh, a woman usually
lets her husband in
on this sort of thing.
Unless, of course, he
happens to be planning
a trip around the world.
( dramatic theme playing)
( romantic theme playing)
( light jazz music playing)
Hello. Hi.
Good evening. Hello.
Oh, don't look now.
Here she comes.
Where's Daddy?
I don't know.
Your dad will be
down in a few minutes.
Business call. He said
to go ahead and order.
Mary, what are you gonna have?
I don't know.
Ooh. How about the lobster?
I hate lobster.
How about you?
I wanna wait for my father.
Yeah, it's a lot more
fun when it's the family.
Look, guys.
I'll level with you.
I've got a problem.
Can't go on like this.
I know it's not
easy to accept me
as part of the family.
And believe me, I'm not
trying to replace your mother.
But I would like
to, you know, fit in.
Maybe as friend?
You gotta help me. What
is it that you want from me?
We don't want anything from you.
I see.
Well, I, uh... I thought
it was worth a try.
Your table's right over
there. Enjoy your dinner.
Here we are. Good evening.
Good evening. How you doing?
The captain is
expecting you at his table.
Well, tell him to be patient.
I'll be there presently.
Not you. Your mother and father.
May I show you the way?
Have a nice dinner.
You know, your
folks are really a gas.
Yeah.
And your dad seems
like a really nice guy.
Yeah.
Don't you two get along?
Yeah. Sure.
I guess.
You know, my dad died
when I was pretty young.
But I remember we used
to go to the park on Sunday.
And we'd shoot
baskets or fly kites.
Or, you know, just
kind of hang out.
Well, my dad wasn't
too much for hanging out.
That's too bad.
Yeah.
Maybe he didn't like me. Heh.
( inaudible dialogue)
( moans)
Will you look at those
desserts? I could eat 'em all.
Maybe I will.
Ah, I'm gonna start
with that chocolate éclair,
'cause I gotta have it.
( chuckles)
Maggie, oh, I tell you,
these cruises are sensational.
Let's go to Alaska next, huh?
Yeah. Hey, here. Get
a look at Glacier Bay.
Um, hey, that's terrific, but...
Don't like Alaska? All
right, all right, no problem.
Here, we have your
Trinidad and Tobago.
And your Caribbean.
( sighs) Or...
Or we could go for
the big one, huh?
Take a year off.
Take a trip around the world.
Oh, Maggie, I tell you,
the freedom we have now.
I feel like a kid again.
( sniffs)
Mac? Mmm?
Ah, I have
something to tell you.
Yeah. Oh, uh, I'll have
the chocolate éclair.
Mmm.
Yes, what? What is it, hon?
Okay.
How would you feel...?
I mean... Okay.
What would you
think if I told you...?
Well, come on, come on, Maggie.
I mean, you know, the
suspense is killing me.
Uh, okay.
If... If I... If I... I'm...
If I have that chocolate éclair?
Oh, well, what the heck.
Heh-heh. It's Mother's Day.
Oh. I'll just, um,
have a cherry thing.
Or maybe an apple tart.
Oh, well, let's... Let's have
a look at the whole thing.
( romantic theme playing)
( light piano music playing)
( indistinct chattering)
Hey. Hey.
Doctor, good
evening. How are you?
Come on, Maggie Mae, let's
show 'em how it's done, huh?
'Cause dancing...
Dancing is my life.
Yeah, maybe we
could just sit and talk.
Oh, well, all right.
I-I wouldn't wanna make 'em
look bad anyway. Heh-heh.
Hey, first, I'm gonna get
us one of those fancy drinks.
Doc, would you
find Ginger a seat?
And old Fred will be right back.
All right. Ha-ha.
Now, there goes a happy man.
Now he's happy.
Wait till he finds
out I'm pregnant.
You mean, you didn't tell him?
Well, he's so busy having
a good time. Making plans.
I can't get a baby in edgewise.
You're gonna have to tell him.
Tsk. Yeah. Maybe
in my fourth month.
( up-tempo jazz music playing)
( chuckles)
There you go, Mr. O'Brien.
Two Pacific Purple Passions.
Hey, what are they?
Three bucks apiece.
( all laugh)
Oh, I haven't danced
like that in years.
Where did you learn those moves?
In college, I majored
in Applied Disco.
Oh. Well, I...
I learned a few moves
in college too, you know.
Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.
Like this.
( up-tempo jazz music playing)
( music stops, crowd applauds)
Ah.
( up-tempo jazz music playing)
( grunts)
There we go.
I'm parched.
( Southern accent): Oh, well,
now, that's mighty heavy work
we've been doing there, ma'am.
Matter of fact, I was wondering
if I could get
you a sarsaparilla
to wet your whistle,
or maybe even a whistle
to wet your sarsaparilla.
( both laugh)
The choice is yours.
Well, now, that's
mighty noble of you, son.
And I'd be beholden to you
if you'd flavor
that sarsaparilla
with a little moonshine.
One whiskey and
sarsaparilla coming up.
( normal voice): How about
you, Dad? You want something?
No, nothing for me.
Thank you, son. I'm fine.
( Southern accent):
Hold down the fort.
Evening, Tex.
Tex? I'm from Maryland.
Evening, Mary.
Well, excuse us.
Ah, I never saw him
kiss Mom like that.
BOB: Hold it.
Uh, honey, I'll, uh...
I'll meet you back
in the lounge.
I wanna talk to the girls.
All right.
( somber theme playing)
It's time we had a little talk.
Now, I knew there would be a
period of adjustment with Lee.
But it's gotten out of hand.
Well, why don't you two
just tell me why it is you
feel the way you feel?
Well, you didn't ask us how
we felt before you married her.
I see.
I should have asked
your permission?
Oh, Daddy.
Look, I married Lee
because I love her.
Why should that change
anything between us?
What about Mom?
Oh, I loved your
mom, you know that.
Not a day goes by
that I don't think of her.
When I look at you,
I... I see her eyes.
And you have her hair.
When Meg died, I
thought I'd died too.
But we go on.
We have to.
And she'd want us
to, don't you think?
It's hard when you
lose somebody you love.
But that doesn't mean you can't
ever care about somebody else.
Or let somebody care about you.
Do you understand?
I guess so.
Sure, Daddy.
Good.
Come on.
( tender theme playing)
Isn't this fun?
Don't you think you're
overdoing it just a little?
( light jazz music playing)
What?
Well, all this clowning
around is fine at home,
but this is where Burl works.
That man over there is his boss.
I'm afraid you're
embarrassing your son.
I-I'm sorry.
I just wasn't thinking.
I get carried away.
GOPHER: Here we are.
Ta-da!
Ah.
Hey, Mom,
I'll bet I can
balance that cherry
on the end of my nose
longer than you can.
Oh, I'm pooped.
If you don't mind, I think
we'd better call it a night.
No, of course. I don't mind.
I'll see you tomorrow, dear.
Good night, son.
Good night, Dad.
Mac, you know what
just popped into my head?
The apartment we lived in
when we were first married.
Now isn't that strange?
Mm-hm.
Heh.
It's freezing in the winter
and boiling in the summer.
Plumbing was
always breaking down.
Furniture was coming apart.
You suppose I was
thinking about that
because that's
where Ken was born?
Well...
I guess that's probably
the happiest thing
that can happen
between two people.
A child coming into their lives.
The beautiful thing is
it can even happen
to people at our age.
In fact, it is happening
to people at our age.
( romantic theme playing)
Mac.
We're going to have a baby.
( sighs)
Well, with the baby coming,
you'll need all the
sleep you can get.
( dramatic theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Morning, Daddy. Good morning.
Hi, Lee. Hi.
Uh, can we go into Puerto
Vallarta this afternoon?
Hey, sounds great.
Yeah, we could rent a car.
Ah, we wanted
to go by ourselves.
Well, uh... ( chuckles)
I don't know. We're old enough.
Come on, Daddy.
Mary takes Spanish.
And we'll only be
gone a couple of hours.
Well, uh...
I don't think they
should go by themselves.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry. I just don't
think it's a good idea.
Two kids alone in
a strange country.
Daddy?
Mmm. Now that I think
about it, Lee's right. I'm sorry.
But, Dad...
BOB: Look, if you
wanna leave the ship,
we'll be glad to come with you.
You can go any
place you wanna go.
Never mind. It's not the same.
( scoffs)
Thanks a lot.
No... ( somber theme playing)
Now I feel like a parent.
Thank you.
( upbeat theme playing)
Hi, Dad. Ahem.
Hey, Mom.
What do you get when you cross
one rooster with
another rooster?
Two very cross roosters.
You like that?
You're gonna love
this. Watch this.
It's my pet. Ahem.
Hello.
My name is Herman,
the handkerchief.
What's yours?
( giggles)
Oh.
We're the swinging
swizzle sisters.
Join us in a drink?
( indistinct chatter)
Please, excuse me.
( somber theme playing)
What's wrong with Dad?
Uh, nothing.
Well, he doesn't seem like
he's having a very good time.
Oh, uh, honey, he... He's
just concerned about you.
What?
Oh, I get carried away.
You do have
your job to think of.
What are you talking about?
Your father's right, dear.
I act like a lunatic.
It must be a little
embarrassing for you.
He said that?
( sighs)
I'm gonna have to
have a little talk with him.
No, Burl, wait. No, Mom.
Someone has to
straighten him out.
Burl, please wait.
He didn't mean to hurt you.
I don't mind if he hurts
me. I'm a big boy now.
But if he hurts you,
then he's gone too far.
( tense theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
MAN ( on PA): Good morning
and welcome to Puerto Vallarta.
All those wishing
to go parasailing,
meet on the Coral Deck
gangway in 10 minutes.
Well, honey.
All set for a day
in Puerto Vallarta?
Oh, well. Well...
Isaac says there's
a, you know, a little...
A little restaurant
that specializes
in chicken mole.
You know, the chocolate sauce?
Honey, I...
I don't think I'm up to
chocolate-covered chicken today.
I, um...
In fact, I don't think
I'll even go into town.
Why don't you go without me?
What's the matter, honey?
Mac, do you know
what I would really like?
A strawberry
malted and a pickle.
Oh, no.
Mm-hm.
I'm pregnant.
It's, uh...
It's a joke. Right,
huh? It's a joke...
( laughs)
It's Mother's Day.
Hey. Heh-heh-heh.
I'm not joking.
Maggie, how did this happen?
I-I-I know how it
happened. It's just...
It's just...
I don't know what it is.
Please, Mac, please
be as thrilled as I am.
I know this means a change
in your plans, but don't be mad.
No, I'm not mad.
I... I'm stunned.
( dramatic theme playing)
Are you...? Are you all right?
To tell you the
truth, I'm exhausted.
I think I'll go lie
down for a while.
I'll help you.
Honey, I've been through
this six times. I can handle it.
I just wanna be
sure that you can.
Good.
Enjoy the sun.
I'll see you later.
( upbeat music playing on radio)
Boy, she acts like
she owns Daddy.
Yeah, and now we
have to do what she says.
I don't care what she says.
I'm going to Puerto Vallarta.
But Daddy said we can't...
How's he gonna find out?
We'll be back before dinner.
Besides, he would have let
us go if she hadn't butted in.
Yeah. Who cares what
she thinks, anyway?
Let's go.
I just can't understand why
everybody calls him Gopher.
Doesn't he like the
name Burl? Not much.
Burl was my father's
name, you know.
I love it.
Ah, I tell you, it's
awfully disconcerting
having to ask a stranger
about your own son.
Well, it's hard to be close
when he's at sea all the time.
MAN ( on PA): Captain
Stubing to the bridge.
Captain Stubing to
the bridge, please.
To tell you the truth, captain,
we were never really very close.
When he was
just a little fellow,
I was out on the road
10 months a year.
And, well, we seemed to miss
all that wonderful
father-and-son stuff.
Fortunately, I had a desk job
by the time Jennifer came along.
But by that time, Burl was
already off and on his own.
And I... I guess we...
We'll just never...
( sniffles)
Elliot, only the past
can't be changed.
( somber theme playing)
Excuse me. ( sniffles)
Dad.
What are you thinking of?
Mom is not embarrassing me.
And you have no right
to ruin her vacation.
Wait, Burl, I-I just...
Look, even if you don't
care that much about me,
don't take it out on her.
Don't care about you?
You're my son. I care
about you very much.
GOPHER: Well, then, why
do you act the way you do?
I've always felt
like an outsider
around you and your mom.
I guess I'm jealous.
I-I guess I wish you'd let
me in on all the... All the fun.
It's probably too
late for that now.
( sobbing)
Son, I hardly know you.
And you don't know me at all.
( tender theme playing)
I suppose I wouldn't
mind if you didn't want to...
Oh, Dad. Oh, son.
Son, son.
ELLIOT: It's okay... Gopher.
( sobs): Oh, Dad.
Son, son.
( uplifting theme playing)
( Gopher sniffles)
This one's on me, Mac.
To help you celebrate.
Celebrate?
Isaac, I'll be 76 years old
before this kid's on his own.
My dad was in his
fifties when I was born.
Lots of people have
children at your age.
I know. I'm just not through
feeling sorry for myself yet.
( both laugh)
Well, with a family of six,
at least you know
which end to powder.
Yeah, yeah.
I remember Kenny, our first.
See, yeah, he was so little
I was afraid to touch him.
By the time Joanne came
along, I was a real pro.
Why, I could diaper
her with one hand,
tie Gina's shoes with the other,
make a tuna sandwich in between.
( both laugh)
Oh, we had a lot of
laughs in those days.
Good times, huh?
The best.
Well, it looks like
you're not gonna have
much time for memories.
You'll be making new ones.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, I guess I will.
( both laugh)
Oh, hi. Hi, Julie. Mac. Hi, Mac.
Um, Maggie's had
a little accident.
Is she...? Is she okay? I
mean, what happened?
Well, she's all
right. She's fine.
She just tripped and
fell on some steps,
but she's with Doc now.
Oh, well... She's okay, Mac.
Oh, now that tickles.
( both laugh)
You think that's funny,
you should hear my
Jimmy Carter impression.
Okay.
How's that? That's pretty good.
That does it. Good. Oh, hi, hon.
Are you okay? Sure.
I just twisted my ankle.
I fell off my shoes.
How's the baby?
Just fine.
( tender theme playing)
Oh, thank God.
Well, come on,
don't just sit there.
I gotta go out and
buy some cigars.
( all laugh)
( phone ringing)
Hello?
JUDY ( on phone): It's Judy.
Judy, where are you?
Your dad's been
looking all over...
Is he there? We
gotta talk to him.
No. He's not here right now.
Just tell me where you are.
( sobs): We're in jail.
( girls sobbing)
You're what?
We're in jail.
A-all right. Ju... Calm down.
Listen, everything's
gonna be okay.
I'll come and get you.
Oh, Mom, good. Hi.
Hi. Um...
listen, about tonight.
Listen, about tonight.
( both laugh)
You go ahead. You go ahead.
You first.
Well, I was thinking, you know,
that "Sonny Boy" number
is really your father's idea.
And...
And I was thinking
the same thing, and...
BOTH: Would it be okay with
you if he went on in my place?
( both laugh)
I love you. Of course you do.
I'm your mother.
( laughs)
Happy Mother's Day.
( laughs)
( tranquil theme playing)
MAN ( on PA): Good evening.
For all those not
dining ashore tonight,
we are serving a buffet dinner
in the Coral Dining Room.
Thanks again,
captain, for all your help.
No problem, Mrs. Noble.
I'm just sorry the girls had
an unpleasant adventure.
If you'll excuse me,
I have dinner guests.
And the captain's table
isn't the captain's table
without the captain.
Excuse me.
Come on. We'd
better find your father.
He probably thinks
I fell overboard.
Lee.
Mary and I just
wanted to say that,
well, y-you didn't have
to go to all the trouble.
You know what I mean?
And you're very welcome.
And thanks for not telling
Dad about coming to get us.
I mean, he'd absolutely kill us.
JUDY: We didn't mean
to do anything bad.
We didn't know you
had to have a tourist card.
And Judy didn't mean to
be rude to that policeman.
Oh, it wasn't just me.
Look, it's all over now and
everybody's safe and sound.
I didn't tell your dad,
but I really think you
should tell him now.
( sighs)
There you are.
Is everybody playing
hide-and-seek around here?
Mm. You never
showed up in the bar.
And where have
you two been all day?
Uh, some kids had a cabin party.
Great disco music. I really
worked up an appetite.
Yeah, me too.
Race you to the buffet. Yeah.
Heh-heh. Kids.
Well, no harm done.
( tranquil theme playing)
( band plays, crowd applauds)
I'll be back in a minute.
I'm gonna get us
some more munchies.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a flute.
I don't mean to insult
your intelligence,
but when I play it,
I don't want you to
say, "What is that?"
( crowd laughing)
This is for mothers everywhere.
( soft flute music playing)
Wasn't this afternoon a trip?
I've never been so
scared in my whole life.
Till you showed
up with the captain.
You're a real friend. Heh.
Frankly, I don't know if
I wanna be your friend.
I tried to help you out
and you repaid me
by lying to your father.
I thought you had a lot
more going for you than that.
Think about it.
Oh, I can't, I can't.
For heaven's sake, I
haven't sung "Sonny Boy"
since I was in college.
( whispers): But
it's an emergency.
I can't go on like this.
Dad, we're all counting on you.
You remember the
words, don't you?
How could I forget the words
to the only song I ever learned?
( normal voice):
Oh, that's great.
( whispers): I mean,
that's great that you'll do it.
No, no.
Wait a minute.
What have I got to lose?
Sure, sure.
The show must go on.
The show must go on.
I wish I'd said that.
( normal voice): Knock 'em dead.
( whispers): Knock
'em dead, you two.
The show must go on.
The show must go on. Must go on.
Yipee!
( tranquil theme playing)
More hide-and-seek?
Hey.
What's wrong, hon?
Oh, it's nothing.
( sniffles)
It's just...
Oh, Bob, as a
parent, I'm a total flop.
BOB: Oh, well, now,
what are you talking about?
The girls really seem
to be coming along.
That's the problem.
Things just aren't
what they seem.
Dad?
Dad, we have
something to tell you.
We lied to you before.
We didn't go to a party.
We went to Puerto
Vallarta this afternoon.
Oh.
And... we got arrested.
Lee came and got us out of jail.
Jail?
And you didn't
tell me? Well, I...
I am their father, you
know. I'm sorry, Bob.
But it wasn't as
bad as it sounds
and I just thought...
BOB: You thought.
Well, you thought wrong.
JUDY: Don't pick on Lee,
it wasn't her fault.
Yeah. She wanted us to tell you.
Only we let her down.
( tender theme playing)
So if you're gonna yell
at anybody, yell at us.
Well, if you want
me to yell at you.
Heh. Bet you'd rather
go dancing, right?
Yeah. Dancing with Mom.
( uplifting theme playing)
Oh. Oh.
( all laugh)
Oh, come on.
Okay.
Oh, and another thing.
We'll always have babysitters.
And if our kids are
busy, well, by golly,
we'll do just what
the young folks do.
We'll put the baby on our back
and hike off into
the wild blue yonder.
( both laugh)
You know, one thing bothers me.
What? What darling?
Well, we've
already got six kids.
We're really running
out of names.
Oh, no.
JULIE: Okay, folks,
and now for our final act,
we have a real treat.
I wish that they were brothers,
so I could make a
joke about cough drops,
but they are father and son.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Smith and Smith.
( crowd applauds)
( upbeat tune playing)
( all laugh)
( "Sonny Boy" playing)
♪ Climb upon my knee Sonny boy ♪
( crowd laughs)
You're putting on
a little weight, kid.
♪ You are only 3 Sonny boy ♪
Twenty-three. Really?
My, how time flies.
( crowd laughs)
ELLIOT: ♪ You've
no way of knowing ♪
♪ There's no way of showing ♪
♪ What you mean to me ♪
♪ Sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny ♪
( high-pitched): ♪ Boy ♪
♪ When there are gray skies
I don't mind the gray skies ♪
♪ You make 'em blue Sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny ♪
( high-pitched): ♪ Boy ♪
Knock it off, will you?
( crowd laughs)
ELLIOT: ♪ Friends
may forsake me ♪
♪ Let 'em Let 'em
all forsake me ♪
♪ I still have you Sonny boy ♪
( angrily): ♪ Oh, sonny boy ♪
( grunts)
( crowd laughs)
♪ You're sent from heaven
And I know your worth ♪
♪ Why you... ♪
( crowd laughs)
♪ You've made a heaven ♪
( voice cracks): ♪ For
me right here on... ♪
Gee, whiz.
( off-key): ♪ Earth ♪
♪ When I'm old and gray, dear ♪
♪ Promise you won't stray Dear ♪
♪ I... ♪
Now?
In the middle of the song?
You couldn't have
gone back in the cabin?
( crowd laughs)
♪ I love you so Sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny boy ♪
♪ Oh, sonny boy ♪
( band plays, crowd applauds)
( whistles)
Dad, you know I love you.
I love you too, son.
ROZ: Encore! Encore!
Encore! Encore!
And just what happened
to your laryngitis?
Oh, that old thing. Heh.
Oh, it just needed
the right medicine.
A good dose of happiness.
Oh.
( tender theme playing)
( laughs)
( upbeat theme playing)
Hey, Lee, are you
any good at baking?
Not bad. Why?
I'm on the food committee
for the spring dance,
and I've gotta make
cookies for 250.
( laughs)
Well, that makes
it official, Mother.
Oh.
Bye. GIRLS: Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Now, don't feel you have
to name the baby after me.
Gee, that never occurred to me.
Me neither. Heh.
Yeah. Who'd wanna
name a baby "Doc"?
( all laugh)
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
( all laugh)
Be sure to come
see us again. Soon.
Oh, we will.
But until we do,
please take care
of our little boy.
And see that he gets
some singing lessons.
Me too. ( all laugh)
GOPHER: You know something,
this has been the best
possible Mother's Day ever.
The day I discovered my dad.
Hey, maybe we can do it all
over again on Father's Day.
See you later. Bye.
Bye, captain.
That's what I call
a happy ending.
( uplifting theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)