The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 2, Episode 25 - Murder on the High Seas/Sounds of Silence/Cyrano de Bricker - full transcript
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
I hope I'm not doing
the wrong thing
by hiring this act sight unseen.
Wrong thing?
You don't know how lucky
you are to get Deacon Dark.
Yeah, but that jazz trio just
backed out at the last minute.
Well, it's just a good thing
that my uncle's girlfriend
is Deacon Dark's agent's
secretary's roommate.
Gopher? Mm.
Are you sure that this guy's
the right act for our passengers?
Oh, wow, Julie.
He has seven gold records.
His concerts are always SRO.
SRO?
Standing room only.
His name is on more
T-shirts than Fruit of the Loom.
Hm.
( people clamoring)
( cameras clicking)
All right, everybody.
That'll be it.
Thanks very, very
much for coming,
but Deacon Dark is gonna
take a few days to rest up
from his very successful
European tour,
his seventh gold record,
and two dynamite
weeks in Las Vegas.
Oh, don't worry, we will be
available for more interviews
when we come back into port.
Love you. Love you all.
Love you all. Love you.
Marty? What?
Take this snake, will you?
Mr. Dark, welcome aboard, sir.
Oh, hello, my darlings.
I'm Marty Austin, personal
manager and confidant
to the despicable Deacon Dark.
I believe we have 351 and
353 on the Promenade Deck.
GOPHER: Yes, sir, and
excellent cabins they are.
Right through these
doors and up the stairs.
Love you. Love you.
Listen, my darling,
do you think you could
possibly take Irving for a walk?
And when you're through,
bring him up to our cabin.
Goodbye, Irv. Sure.
Gopher, I'm gonna
get you for this.
Morning, Julie. Howdy, Gopher.
Hi, Andy.
Anderson, would
you do me a favor
and take my friend Irving...
Got him? and buy him a
drink, would you please?
Yeah, he'd probably
like a grasshopper.
Come on, Irving. I may
need a drink myself.
Bye, Irv.
GOPHER: Welcome aboard.
JULIE: Hi, welcome aboard.
Enjoy your cruise.
Oh, Sara, hi.
Welcome.
I've been, uh, expecting you.
Oh, no, whoa, whoa. Not so fast.
Wait a minute. Where did
you learn sign language?
Oh, I used to do some
volunteer work at Sara's school.
And all the kids always
said that I had two left hands.
Well, Julie, why don't you
introduce me to your friend?
Tell her that the two of us
could make beautiful
music together.
Oh, well, I think you've
already done that.
You see, Sara reads lips.
Oh.
What'd she say?
Oh, well, she said...
Please. We hardly
know each other.
( both giggling)
Look out.
Isaac, what are you reading
that's got you in such a daze?
Murder in Eden, the new
Evelyn Bosworth mystery.
Oh. I just finished it.
Yeah, well, don't
tell me how it ends.
I've only got eight
more pages to go.
Seven.
You'll never guess who did it.
The accountant, right?
No, it was the... Don't
tell me! Don't tell me!
WOMAN: Adam?
Adam Bricker?
Oh, Doc, it's so
good to see you.
Oh! Mwah.
Mitzi!
Oh, how long has it been?
Mitzi, what are you doing here?
I'm on my honeymoon.
Honeymoon.
Mitzi, what are you doing, huh?
I turn around to pay
the cabbie and you split.
Oh, keep your shorts on.
You found me, didn't you?
Doc, this is Vinnie
De Risi, my husband.
Oh.
Vinnie, I want you to meet
a very dear friend of mine,
Dr. Adam Bricker.
How do you do? Good to meet you.
Doc and I were very
close at one time.
Not "close" close,
just sort of close.
Actually, distant close.
We gonna stand around
here like this all day or what?
We'd better get
unpacked. See you later.
Terrific.
Yeah, the three of us.
Now, he's the kind of
guy you suspect of murder.
But never in a Bosworth mystery.
It's never anybody like him.
It's always somebody
like the grocer
or somebody's grandmother or...
Or somebody like them.
Oh, um, Miss McCoy? Hm.
I wondered if we might have
a few words with the captain.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,
but the captain's busy
on the bridge right now.
I'm sure you'll
be able to see him
up on the Lido
Deck later, though.
Fine. Thank you. Mm-hm.
Enjoy your cruise. Thank you.
Uh, Teddy?
What?
The Lido Deck.
Doesn't that sound like the
perfect place for a murder?
You might have something.
( foghorn blows)
( upbeat theme playing)
( crowd cheering)
I'm really sorry I
let you talk me into
coming onboard
in this freak outfit.
That freak outfit pays
a lot of bills, buddy-boy.
Yeah, well, I just wanna
be Phil Backstrom.
I just wanna rest
for a couple of days.
Right.
We can talk business later.
What's this?
"Appearing tonight in
the Acapulco Lounge,
special guest star Deacon Dark."
Just a way to defray expenses.
It's... It's great publicity.
I'm not doing it.
Oh, yes, you are.
No way. Forget it.
Oh, it's a great chance
to try out the new stuff.
And we do have a contract.
Okay, I'll sing for my supper,
but no snakes, no
costume and no tarantulas.
What are you talking
about? That's your act.
Look, man, I don't
need all those gimmicks.
I'm a singer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sinatra's a singer.
Lou Rawls is a singer.
You are an attraction.
I'm a sideshow.
Nobody ever went broke
giving the public what it wants.
You know, Marty, this
may sound real corny,
but there's a few things
inside me I'd like to say.
Then go to confession.
A year and a half ago
you were an aging rock
star who couldn't get arrested.
Today, you have a half a million
in the bank and you are a star.
And who got you there?
You did, Marty.
Then we have nothing
to talk about, right?
( sighs)
Yeah, right.
Good. Ha!
I have to go to a meeting now.
Ciao, baby.
Think positive.
( dramatic theme playing)
( door closes)
Wow...
Reading on duty?
I know, but I've only got
three more pages to go.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hey, you want me to
tell you how it ends?
Morning, Isaac. Mr. Smith.
Hi, sir. Hi, sir, ahem.
Oh, you've been
reading Murder in Eden.
Uh, no, sir. Mm-mm.
I... I just found it.
Good. I've been
dying to read it.
Oh, Vinnie,
I can't believe
we're really here.
Oh, this is super.
It's so... So romantic.
What are you doing, honey?
Cool it. There's people around.
We're on our honeymoon.
You can think of it as a
honeymoon if you want to,
but I gotta tell you something.
After living together
for two and half years,
I think of it as a trip.
Are you ashamed
of me or something?
What are you talking about?
You never take me anyplace.
The only place you ever take
me is to the track or some game.
And then you treat
me like your sister.
You won't even
kiss me in public.
What about that
day at the Coliseum
when the Rams beat
Minnesota? I kissed you then.
You also kissed the
man in front of us,
the peanut vendor, and a
little old lady in a Viking hat.
Made a bundle that day.
Can't we forget about gambling
and do some of the things that
honeymooners do on a cruise?
Like what?
Like use your imagination.
We could take a Jacuzzi.
Honey, I took a bath
already on the Lakers.
All right.
You choose something.
MAN ( over PA):
Ladies and gentlemen,
the casino is now open.
Lady luck awaits you.
Hey. Vinnie.
This cruise can turn out
to be better than I thought.
Vinnie. Look, honey,
here's a C-note.
Go buy yourself something
nice. I'll see you later.
How about a ginger
ale? Coming right up.
Hello. Hi.
Nice day, huh? Yes.
I'm Phil Backstrom. Hello, Phil.
I'm Julie McCoy and
this is my friend Sara.
Oh, I'm very
pleased to meet you.
Oh, she says that she's
happy to meet you too.
Oh.
Oh, how'd that go again?
Say it again.
How'd I do?
( both giggle)
That means, uh...
I... I know what that means.
Couldn't we just
slash his throat
and get on with our vacation?
Frankly, sweetheart, I'm
bored stiff with slashing throats.
Well, I'm bored with murder.
Lilly, how can you say
that? Murder's our living.
I mean, without it
you wouldn't have that
beautiful diamond brooch
or the Rolls-Royce or
the estate in the country.
Now, come on, let's get on
with that captain business quickly,
then you can
start your vacation.
All right.
Oh, look. What?
Here's something.
The captain is officiating
at skeet shooting.
Well.
We could make it
look like an accident.
( mouths): What?
MAN: Shootings are so messy.
And you know it
attracts a crowd.
What about an ice
pick through the head?
Teddy, that's
been done to death.
Well, tell me what hasn't.
Doc. Doc. Doc. Doc. Doc.
Isaac, what's the matter?
You look like
you've seen a ghost.
We'll be seeing the captain's
ghost if I don't warn him.
They're planning to kill him.
What? Who? The Smiths.
They want to murder the captain.
Oh, come on.
Man, listen. Listen.
They were talking
about slashed throats.
It's... It's... It's
their business.
Isaac, slashed throats
are my business,
along with scraped knees
and, uh, fever on the brain.
( ominous theme playing)
( mellow theme playing)
You... are... my...
Was it this way or was...?
Friend. I got you.
Say goodbye to the
groupie, kid. We got business.
Marty, this is Sara. Uh-huh.
And Marty. Yeah?
Sara is my friend.
Oh, charades. Charades.
Marty, Sara is deaf.
MARTY: Oh.
Say your goodbyes and
meet me in the lounge.
You gotta rehearse
the tarantulas.
( laughs)
It would take too
long to explain.
I'll walk you back
to your cabin, okay?
( upbeat theme playing)
Okay. How about there?
ISAAC: Have a good
day. All right. Bye-bye.
( gasps, sputters)
Oh, um, two Singapore
slings, please.
Can't we just drown him?
( chuckles)
A sea captain?
Oh, Lillian, think
of your profession.
Well, it was much
easier in the old days.
We could just blow them away.
Ah.
But one must
move with the times.
Just think what we
have at our fingertips.
Laser beams.
High-frequency sounds.
Yes. We'll sauté his
innards with microwaves.
Now you're cooking.
( dramatic theme playing)
( jazzy piano music playing)
I wonder what the
captain's gonna do
when Deacon Dark
shows up at his table.
Don't worry. Get along fine.
I just hope he doesn't
wear his snake.
Hi, Gopher. Hi, Julie.
Hi, Phil. Hi, Phil.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, Phil? Yeah?
Phil? Yes?
Uh, this seat is reserved
for Deacon Dark. I'm sorry.
I'm afraid that's me.
Really? Yeah.
Oh!
Captain, this is Deacon Dark.
The Deacon Dark.
Well, how do you do, Mr. Dark?
How are you? Nice to meet you.
I'm afraid I'm not
familiar with your music.
Well, most of my
music is kind of obscure.
Are you kidding me?
"Screaming Voodoo
Devil Boogie Woman"?
"Step, Step, Step on Toads"?
I have all of Deacon's albums.
I used to collect
Teresa Brewer albums.
Why?
Uh, I... I can't stay.
I have to... I have
to check on towels.
( Spanish guitar music playing)
Isaac? ( gasps)
Don't tell me you're still
spying on that nice couple.
Doc, they're really gonna do it.
They're gonna off the
captain with microwaves.
DOC: Mm-hm. Well, when you
see them brandishing an oven,
you let me know.
( whispering): Listen,
you gotta believe me.
Those people are for real.
Isaac, if they were for real,
they'd choose something
simple and available.
Like poisoned sugar cubes.
Look, Sherlock Holmes
you're not. Relax.
Good evening.
Evening. Evening, doctor.
Joanne, what do you say
you and I go into
the Acapulco Lounge
and boogie the night away?
( whispering): Gopher,
you gotta help me.
She needs my help
more than you do.
Listen. The Smiths.
( sighs) Poisoned.
Sugar cubes. What?
They're gonna
poison the captain.
Mrs. Smith took the sugar.
The captain's life is in danger.
Okay. Here's what we'll do.
You stick close to the captain.
Don't let him out of your sight.
First sign of
trouble, you call me.
Okay. I'll be in the
bar pretending to work.
Okay. I'll be with Joanne
pretending to boogie.
( soft jazzy music playing)
What'd you have to drag me
away from the card game for, huh?
I was just breaking even.
Oh, I thought maybe
we could dance.
I don't feel like
it. You go ahead.
I'll catch up to you later.
Hi.
Hi.
Anything I can do?
Here I am on a romantic ship
in the middle of
a beautiful ocean.
Doc, a girl wants a little
love and affection in her life.
Why can't Vinnie feel
for me what I feel for him?
Hey. Hey.
Eyes as lovely as yours
shouldn't be clouded with tears.
You say the nicest things.
Only to the nicest people.
( music ends) ( applause)
You're a marvelous dancer.
How do you do it?
She says that she
can't hear the music,
but she can feel the vibrations.
At last, someone who
can enjoy my singing.
( drumroll)
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
Acapulco Lounge.
I'm here to
introduce a superstar.
Ladies and
gentlemen, here he is.
The demented, the dangerous,
the disgusting Deacon Dark.
( cheers and applause)
( drumroll)
( rock music playing)
♪ Smash it, smash it ♪
♪ Hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ Bash it, slash it ♪
♪ Hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ You say You
wanna save the world ♪
♪ I say smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ You say you
wanna save our love ♪
♪ I say trash it ♪
♪ Trash it ♪
♪ Trash it ♪
♪ You know you never ♪
♪ Say what you mean ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ You know I'm not like
that 'Cause I'm mean ♪
♪ And I mean what I say
Yeah, I mean what I say ♪
♪ Yeah, I mean what I say
Yeah, I mean what I say ♪
♪ You say You
wanna save my soul ♪
♪ And I say smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ You say You
wanna save my life ♪
♪ Well, I say smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Slash it ♪
♪ Slash it ♪
♪ Hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ Trash it ♪
♪ Bash it ♪
♪ Bash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ I'll hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ Smash it, smash it ♪
♪ Smash it, smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
( cheers and applause)
You liked it, right, sir?
Well, uh, let me
put it this way.
He's no Jerry Vale.
( upbeat theme playing)
Sorry I'm late, honey.
I got hung up
on the tables. I...
What are you doing?
Leaving you.
Leaving me?
What, are you gonna
swim home to your mother?
Very funny, Vinnie.
But I'm going.
What are you talking about?
You never cut out on me before.
I'm tired of being
taken for granted.
I want some affection. Intimacy.
Things you obviously
won't give me.
Where are you going?
To Doc's.
Isaac, I want to thank
you for your concern,
but, uh, why would the
Smiths want to murder me?
Because, uh...
Frankly, sir, I think he's
been working too hard.
I haven't been
working hard at all.
Hm. Oh, well, what I mean, sir,
is they're gonna bump you
off with poisoned sugar cubes.
Oh, Isaac, this whole
idea is ludicrous.
Ha! He's reading
too many mysteries.
( laughs)
Sir, I wish you'd take
this thing seriously.
Take what seriously?
The, uh... The killing.
Mr. Washington, I
want to thank you again.
Bye-bye. But,
sir, I am positive.
Isaac, I haven't an
enemy in the world.
( knock on door)
Enter.
Good evening,
captain. Evening, boys.
Oh! Uh, he just needs
a little bit of
shore leave, sir.
He'll be fine. Good
evening. Good evening.
How are you this
evening, captain?
I took the liberty
of pouring your tea.
Oh, I didn't order
any tea, Anderson.
You mean to tell me you
didn't call up and order tea?
No. Well, sir,
I'll just take it
right back, then.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
No, that's all right.
Uh, a cup of tea
might just hit the spot.
You can leave it. Oh.
All right, sir. Thank you.
Have a good evening.
Thank you, Anderson.
Thank you, sir.
( sighs) ( door opens)
( door closes)
( suspenseful theme playing)
STUBING: "Jensen
knew he was dying.
"He laughed bitterly
as he realized the irony
"of his last words to Mildred:
"'Don't worry, darling,
no one wants to kill me.
I haven't an enemy
in the world.'"
( chuckles)
( blissful theme playing)
So, what'd you think?
Really bizarre, huh?
I mean those people
just love those gimmicks.
You didn't like it, did you?
Look, I know I'm not the
world's greatest singer.
I just give the people
what they want, that's all.
Who am I to fight
with success, right?
Oh, forget about it.
I mean, you don't
have to be able to speak
for me to know
what you're thinking.
You're entitled to your opinion.
I'm sorry I disappointed
you. Good night.
( dramatic theme playing)
Mitzi.
Vinnie. What are you
doing with my wife?
Doing? I wasn't doing
anything. She just got here.
And I'm here because I will go
anywhere to be where you're not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I want you to make my
wife fall out of love with you
and come back to me or...
Vinnie, she's not
in love with me
and I'm not in love with her.
We're just good friends.
Oh, then you won't mind
if I break the door down
with your face.
Excuse me.
Uh, Mitzi, this is Doc.
Uh, Mitzi, why don't you and
Vinnie go back to your cabin
and, uh, talk things out?
MITZI: Because.
Well, that makes sense.
MITZI: Take a hike, Vinnie,
and leave me alone.
Okay. Terrific.
I ain't losing any
sleep over you, lady.
Come on. What?
You're not staying
here with my wife.
Please, Mr. De
Risi, I'm a doctor.
Yeah, but you ain't
operating tonight. Out.
So after you left,
I started to think about
people who might qualify.
Qualify?
Yes. For the enemies I
might have in the world.
And you remembered the Smiths?
Maybe Smith isn't
their real name.
Maybe they were sent by someone.
So I made up a little list.
The names with the stars
are my top-ten enemies.
How about the
names with the dots?
Runners up.
Oh, what's the matter with me?
( chuckles)
No one has a good reason
to want to see me dead.
( snaps fingers)
Maybe it was someone
with no reason.
Or maybe it's just someone
who likes a challenge.
( celestial theme playing)
Doc? Hm?
Doc, are you asleep?
( groans)
Vinnie. Vinnie, it's...
Big hand's on the 12, the
little hand's on the three.
Three. Oh, Vinnie!
Doc, we gotta talk.
If I lose Mitzi, I'll go crazy.
Vinnie, I told you what to do.
Yeah, I know, tenderness,
gentleness, romantic stuff.
I can't talk like that.
But it's easy.
Compliment her on
her eyes, her hair.
Whatever you happen
to be looking at.
Good night.
Yeah, that's it.
Your skin, it's so white.
It's so smooth, like
a brand-new cue ball.
You've convinced me.
You need help.
You're lucky I make house calls.
Now, look...
MAN ( over PA): Good morning,
and welcome to Cabo San Lucas.
We hope you enjoy your day.
( mellow theme playing)
I'm really sorry
about last night.
I wasn't angry with you,
I was angry with myself.
Look, it's gonna be
kind of hard to explain,
but I'd like to try again, okay?
Friend.
See, I know I don't need all
those props and gimmicks,
but... But Marty...
Well, Marty doesn't understand.
He thinks that's the
only way I can make it.
All I wanna do is write
songs and... And sing,
but somehow it all got mixed up
with money and success and...
Well, I wrote this
song for you and...
Just pretend it's poetry
and pretend it's good, okay?
ANNOUNCER:
They're neck and neck.
It's Blue Moon, Hi-Yo
Silver and Rolling Roar.
Beige Beauty moving up on
the inside. Looking to the back...
Hey, Doc, I didn't know they
had horse racing on the ship.
Vinnie, I didn't stay up
all night coaching you
so you could play the horses.
Now, you stay here
and behave yourself.
I'll go get Mitzi. What if
something goes wrong?
Nothing's gonna go
wrong. You'll do fine. Okay?
Okay.
( knock on door)
Sara, come on in.
What's the matter? What's wrong?
This from Phil?
Oh, slow down. No,
no. Don't go so fast.
Hm.
Are you sure you love him?
Well, then if you
feel that strongly,
go to him and tell him.
You'll find a way.
Bye.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
it is now one
minute to post time
for race number three on
the Lido Deck Derby Day.
Place your bets.
VINNIE: Put $100 on
Purple Passion for me.
Doc said you wanted to see me.
Oh, yeah.
Um, it was kind of lonely
without you last night.
I'll bet.
Mitzi, I'm just trying
to be nice to you.
( bell rings) ANNOUNCER:
And they're off!
And the first number is four.
There goes Green
Hornet off to an early lead,
followed by Beige
Beauty, Blue Moon,
Purple Passion, Red
Rover and Hi-Yo Silver.
So, uh, what do you want to say?
Well... ANNOUNCER:
Neck and neck.
Purple Passion
leading... Your neck.
What about it?
ANNOUNCER: As
they enter the stretch...
It stretches. No.
Oh, that is beautiful.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
ANNOUNCER: Nose to nose...
Your nose. Coming
up on the outside...
It's on the outside!
ANNOUNCER: Red
Rover and Purple Passion,
It's Purple Passion.
Come on, Passion!
ANNOUNCER: And the
winner is Purple Passion,
followed by Red Rover.
( cheers and applause)
I win, I win, I win!
ANNOUNCER: And the next
race, ladies and gentlemen...
I lose.
ANNOUNCER: Ten
minutes to post time.
Ten minutes.
I feel ridiculous
having a bodyguard.
Would you rather feel dead?
Sounds like Isaac's been
sampling his own work, sir.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This entire thing has
gotten out of hand.
Lillian,
it's imperative
that we find a way
to finish off the
captain tonight.
LILLIAN: Hm, you're right.
We've already received a
contract for the next one.
I know.
It must be their
busy time of the year.
MR. SMITH: And don't forget,
we've got that convention
in Boston next month.
Oh, my God. They
have group rates.
Wait, captain, wait.
What are you doing?
I am going to
confront the killers.
Sir, don't confront killers.
You could get hurt.
I am not going to my death
like a spineless jellyfish.
Once they know I'm onto
them, the tables will be turned...
in my favor.
Excuse me.
Captain. Oh.
I know why you are here
and what you are up to.
Oh, good.
Perhaps you'll be kind
enough to cooperate,
because we're
having a devil of a time.
MR. SMITH: Please,
captain, don't tell anyone
because we're on
a very tight schedule
and we don't want
to attract a crowd.
Um, we'll just hang around
until we get the job done.
Wish us luck. Hm.
( ominous theme playing)
( majestic theme playing)
Hi, there. Hey, Doc.
Say, Doc, is Mitzi still
staying in your cabin?
Yeah.
I wish you two
would get together.
I kind of miss my
own lumpy mattress.
Could you do me a
favor and give her this?
And give her this note too.
I wanna tell her
goodbye. Goodbye?
Vinnie, Mitzi doesn't
wanna lose you.
She loves you.
Ah, not anymore.
Vinnie, all Mitzi wants from
you is some signs of affection.
Well, I talked to her
like you told me to.
Good, good.
No. Bad, bad.
You see, this horse
race was going on...
Oh, Vinnie, you didn't?
Yeah. I did.
My horse came in,
but my wife walked out.
I should have stayed with you.
Yeah. You could have
told me what to say.
That's it.
That's what we'll do. What?
We'll go knock on Mitzi's door.
Now, she won't
want to talk to me,
so she'll keep the door closed.
But I'll talk to her anyway.
The only thing is you'll
be telling me what to say.
Sounds vaguely
familiar, but it won't work.
Of course it will. I
saw it in a movie.
Uh, Cyril Deburgerjack.
Cyrano de Bergerac?
Have it your way.
With a little practice,
I know we can pull
this off. Come on, Doc.
Well, I don't know.
( dramatic theme playing)
Sara.
Hey, Sara, I'm
really sorry about...
Oh, you can't go out
there, sir. They'll find you.
I've got a ship to
run, rounds to make.
I can't stay in here forever.
GOPHER: I got it!
Sir, you will make your rounds.
Take off your clothes.
Play?
( playing)
You little devil.
You can feel the
music with your hands.
( playing)
♪ Never saw the rainbow ♪
♪ Only saw the rain ♪
♪ Everything was
wrong And nothing right ♪
♪ Then along came Sara ♪
♪ Sweet and loving Sara ♪
♪ Took my hand And
led me to the light ♪
♪ Now I see the rainbow ♪
♪ And I don't mind the rain ♪
♪ Sara's here And
nothing is the same ♪
♪ All my world is magic ♪
♪ Since she smiled hello ♪
♪ Now that I have
found you Sara ♪
♪ I can never ♪
♪ Ever let you ♪
♪ Go ♪
( stops playing)
( romantic theme playing)
Gopher? Shh!
Gopher, what are you doing?
I'm impersonating the captain.
You could go to jail for
impersonating an officer.
I could get killed for
impersonating an officer.
I'm on decoy patrol.
I'm gonna throw the
Smiths off the captain's trail.
What are you talking about?
I can't talk now. I
gotta keep moving.
Remember me fondly.
Good evening. Going
up on deck? Yes.
The moonlight tonight
will knock you dead.
They say it's a killer.
( laughs)
( suspenseful theme playing)
That's it, Marty. I work
like this or I don't work at all.
Oh, come on, Deacon. Phil.
Look, what makes you think
you can make it like that?
Well...
Well, I sang my song for Sara
this afternoon and she loved it.
Could I ask you
a question, Phil?
How many records
do deaf people buy?
Mitzi, it's Vinnie. I
wanna talk to you.
Oop... Don't...
Don't open the door.
Why not?
Well, I'd like to talk to you
and what I've got to say has
to be said through the door.
What do you wanna say?
What do I wanna say?
This is never gonna work.
This is never gonna work.
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Will you be quiet
till I'm ready?
Will you be quiet
till I'm ready?
MITZI: Did you come
here to insult me?
( imitating Vinnie): Uh, Mitzi,
Mitzi, I don't know
why I wasted all my time
on them foolish games of chance
when I could have been
playing the best game in town.
The game of love with you.
Oh, Vinnie, that's beautiful.
Yeah, ain't it?
But you... You sound...
You sound different.
Uh, that's because I'm
all choked up with emotion.
VINNIE: Like the Dodgers choked
the third game of the World Series.
Now you sound
like the old Vinnie.
I may sound like the old Vinnie,
but believe me, this
is the new Vinnie.
A new Vinnie who
wants a new relationship.
A new relationship full of
intimacy and full of affection.
Yeah, and public kissing.
Oh, Vinnie.
I love you.
Doc? Hi, there.
( normal voice): Hi, there.
I should have known.
You even found a way of
turning love into a hustle.
No, no, no, honey,
honey. Listen, please.
I... I... I meant everything
he said. I swear.
He did. He did.
Oh, sure he did.
Okay, if you don't believe
me then go ahead and split.
Now, wait a minute.
Both of you, just hold on.
Get over here.
Now, you loved each
other enough to get married.
Now why don't you
give it a chance?
Come on, Vinnie.
Tell her how you feel.
It doesn't have to
be special or fancy.
It just has to be you.
Mm.
You are like filling
an inside straight.
And you know something else?
Without you, I'd croak.
Oh.
Vinnie. Oh, Vinnie.
The man's a poet.
( grunts) ( laughs)
Sir, please sit down.
It's out of our hands now.
I'm worried about Mr. Smith.
Our Mr. Smith.
Uh, do you mind if I
read the last few pages
while we're waiting?
Isaac, at a time like this?
STUBING: The Smiths
are Evelyn Bosworth.
Huh?
They write these mysteries.
Oh, they're not
trying to kill me.
I bet they're plotting
their next book.
It probably takes
place on a cruise ship.
( mellow theme playing)
Well, Teddy, I have
to hand it to you.
What's that? As usual,
you've come up
with the perfect way
to do the dirty deed.
( laughing): Congratulations.
Oh, stop it, pretty face.
You make me blush.
Come on, open the
champagne. It's a celebration.
I'm doing my best. You
know how good I am at this.
( gasps)
( pops) Oh!
( yells)
Hey, what happened?
( Gopher groaning)
Hey, what happened?
Are you all right? What is it?
I regret that I have but one
life to give for my captain.
GOPHER: Sir! Sir!
I'm sorry about the
blood on your uniform, sir.
Just have it cleaned
and take the money
out of my last check.
There is no blood.
No blood? No blood.
There has to be
blood. They shot me.
With Blande des Blande '59.
( chuckles)
♪ Then along came Sara ♪
♪ Sweet and loving Sara ♪
♪ Took my hand And
led me to the light ♪
♪ Now I see the rainbow ♪
♪ And I don't mind the rain ♪
♪ Sara's here And
nothing is the same ♪
♪ All my world is magic ♪
♪ Since she smiled hello ♪
♪ Now that I have
found you Sara ♪
♪ I can never ♪
♪ Ever let you ♪
♪ Go ♪
( piano music stops) ( applause)
What a gimmick.
No gimmick.
( romantic theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Thanks, Doc. Oh,
it wasn't anything.
It was something.
And every year
on our anniversary,
you'll be getting a
bottle of champagne.
In that case, I hope
you have lots of them.
Thanks, Doc.
I'll never forget you.
Hey, kid, hurry up. The
press is waiting outside.
I wish you had a tie
and a jacket, you know.
We have a new image to maintain.
You should look more
like, uh, Jerry Vale.
Marty, don't worry about it.
Why don't you go take
care of the press, okay?
Okay, kid. Okay. Good. Good.
He'll never change.
I...
Mwah.
STUBING: Oh,
Mr. Smith? Captain. Yes?
I, uh, finished your
novel last night.
Your detective is amazing.
Well, he doesn't work alone.
( chuckling): No, he had help.
Just as we did in
our latest endeavor.
And last night it finally
all came together.
That's why we were
celebrating with champagne.
Oh. Well, tell me.
Uh, what sort of
death did you choose
for this, uh, ahem,
fictitious captain?
Captain, what fun would it be
if you knew the
outcome ahead of time?
Now, Lillian's right, captain.
It's better that
you wait and see.
Rest assured, it's grisly.
Mm.
( both snicker)
We're, uh... We're calling
it Murder on the High Seas.
You'll love it. Bye.
Wow!
( sighs)
Hey, Murder in Eden.
I've been wanting
to read that book.
Did you finish it yet?
Yeah. The bus driver did it.
( majestic theme playing)
Love Boat" playing)
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing)
I hope I'm not doing
the wrong thing
by hiring this act sight unseen.
Wrong thing?
You don't know how lucky
you are to get Deacon Dark.
Yeah, but that jazz trio just
backed out at the last minute.
Well, it's just a good thing
that my uncle's girlfriend
is Deacon Dark's agent's
secretary's roommate.
Gopher? Mm.
Are you sure that this guy's
the right act for our passengers?
Oh, wow, Julie.
He has seven gold records.
His concerts are always SRO.
SRO?
Standing room only.
His name is on more
T-shirts than Fruit of the Loom.
Hm.
( people clamoring)
( cameras clicking)
All right, everybody.
That'll be it.
Thanks very, very
much for coming,
but Deacon Dark is gonna
take a few days to rest up
from his very successful
European tour,
his seventh gold record,
and two dynamite
weeks in Las Vegas.
Oh, don't worry, we will be
available for more interviews
when we come back into port.
Love you. Love you all.
Love you all. Love you.
Marty? What?
Take this snake, will you?
Mr. Dark, welcome aboard, sir.
Oh, hello, my darlings.
I'm Marty Austin, personal
manager and confidant
to the despicable Deacon Dark.
I believe we have 351 and
353 on the Promenade Deck.
GOPHER: Yes, sir, and
excellent cabins they are.
Right through these
doors and up the stairs.
Love you. Love you.
Listen, my darling,
do you think you could
possibly take Irving for a walk?
And when you're through,
bring him up to our cabin.
Goodbye, Irv. Sure.
Gopher, I'm gonna
get you for this.
Morning, Julie. Howdy, Gopher.
Hi, Andy.
Anderson, would
you do me a favor
and take my friend Irving...
Got him? and buy him a
drink, would you please?
Yeah, he'd probably
like a grasshopper.
Come on, Irving. I may
need a drink myself.
Bye, Irv.
GOPHER: Welcome aboard.
JULIE: Hi, welcome aboard.
Enjoy your cruise.
Oh, Sara, hi.
Welcome.
I've been, uh, expecting you.
Oh, no, whoa, whoa. Not so fast.
Wait a minute. Where did
you learn sign language?
Oh, I used to do some
volunteer work at Sara's school.
And all the kids always
said that I had two left hands.
Well, Julie, why don't you
introduce me to your friend?
Tell her that the two of us
could make beautiful
music together.
Oh, well, I think you've
already done that.
You see, Sara reads lips.
Oh.
What'd she say?
Oh, well, she said...
Please. We hardly
know each other.
( both giggling)
Look out.
Isaac, what are you reading
that's got you in such a daze?
Murder in Eden, the new
Evelyn Bosworth mystery.
Oh. I just finished it.
Yeah, well, don't
tell me how it ends.
I've only got eight
more pages to go.
Seven.
You'll never guess who did it.
The accountant, right?
No, it was the... Don't
tell me! Don't tell me!
WOMAN: Adam?
Adam Bricker?
Oh, Doc, it's so
good to see you.
Oh! Mwah.
Mitzi!
Oh, how long has it been?
Mitzi, what are you doing here?
I'm on my honeymoon.
Honeymoon.
Mitzi, what are you doing, huh?
I turn around to pay
the cabbie and you split.
Oh, keep your shorts on.
You found me, didn't you?
Doc, this is Vinnie
De Risi, my husband.
Oh.
Vinnie, I want you to meet
a very dear friend of mine,
Dr. Adam Bricker.
How do you do? Good to meet you.
Doc and I were very
close at one time.
Not "close" close,
just sort of close.
Actually, distant close.
We gonna stand around
here like this all day or what?
We'd better get
unpacked. See you later.
Terrific.
Yeah, the three of us.
Now, he's the kind of
guy you suspect of murder.
But never in a Bosworth mystery.
It's never anybody like him.
It's always somebody
like the grocer
or somebody's grandmother or...
Or somebody like them.
Oh, um, Miss McCoy? Hm.
I wondered if we might have
a few words with the captain.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,
but the captain's busy
on the bridge right now.
I'm sure you'll
be able to see him
up on the Lido
Deck later, though.
Fine. Thank you. Mm-hm.
Enjoy your cruise. Thank you.
Uh, Teddy?
What?
The Lido Deck.
Doesn't that sound like the
perfect place for a murder?
You might have something.
( foghorn blows)
( upbeat theme playing)
( crowd cheering)
I'm really sorry I
let you talk me into
coming onboard
in this freak outfit.
That freak outfit pays
a lot of bills, buddy-boy.
Yeah, well, I just wanna
be Phil Backstrom.
I just wanna rest
for a couple of days.
Right.
We can talk business later.
What's this?
"Appearing tonight in
the Acapulco Lounge,
special guest star Deacon Dark."
Just a way to defray expenses.
It's... It's great publicity.
I'm not doing it.
Oh, yes, you are.
No way. Forget it.
Oh, it's a great chance
to try out the new stuff.
And we do have a contract.
Okay, I'll sing for my supper,
but no snakes, no
costume and no tarantulas.
What are you talking
about? That's your act.
Look, man, I don't
need all those gimmicks.
I'm a singer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sinatra's a singer.
Lou Rawls is a singer.
You are an attraction.
I'm a sideshow.
Nobody ever went broke
giving the public what it wants.
You know, Marty, this
may sound real corny,
but there's a few things
inside me I'd like to say.
Then go to confession.
A year and a half ago
you were an aging rock
star who couldn't get arrested.
Today, you have a half a million
in the bank and you are a star.
And who got you there?
You did, Marty.
Then we have nothing
to talk about, right?
( sighs)
Yeah, right.
Good. Ha!
I have to go to a meeting now.
Ciao, baby.
Think positive.
( dramatic theme playing)
( door closes)
Wow...
Reading on duty?
I know, but I've only got
three more pages to go.
Yeah? Yeah.
Hey, you want me to
tell you how it ends?
Morning, Isaac. Mr. Smith.
Hi, sir. Hi, sir, ahem.
Oh, you've been
reading Murder in Eden.
Uh, no, sir. Mm-mm.
I... I just found it.
Good. I've been
dying to read it.
Oh, Vinnie,
I can't believe
we're really here.
Oh, this is super.
It's so... So romantic.
What are you doing, honey?
Cool it. There's people around.
We're on our honeymoon.
You can think of it as a
honeymoon if you want to,
but I gotta tell you something.
After living together
for two and half years,
I think of it as a trip.
Are you ashamed
of me or something?
What are you talking about?
You never take me anyplace.
The only place you ever take
me is to the track or some game.
And then you treat
me like your sister.
You won't even
kiss me in public.
What about that
day at the Coliseum
when the Rams beat
Minnesota? I kissed you then.
You also kissed the
man in front of us,
the peanut vendor, and a
little old lady in a Viking hat.
Made a bundle that day.
Can't we forget about gambling
and do some of the things that
honeymooners do on a cruise?
Like what?
Like use your imagination.
We could take a Jacuzzi.
Honey, I took a bath
already on the Lakers.
All right.
You choose something.
MAN ( over PA):
Ladies and gentlemen,
the casino is now open.
Lady luck awaits you.
Hey. Vinnie.
This cruise can turn out
to be better than I thought.
Vinnie. Look, honey,
here's a C-note.
Go buy yourself something
nice. I'll see you later.
How about a ginger
ale? Coming right up.
Hello. Hi.
Nice day, huh? Yes.
I'm Phil Backstrom. Hello, Phil.
I'm Julie McCoy and
this is my friend Sara.
Oh, I'm very
pleased to meet you.
Oh, she says that she's
happy to meet you too.
Oh.
Oh, how'd that go again?
Say it again.
How'd I do?
( both giggle)
That means, uh...
I... I know what that means.
Couldn't we just
slash his throat
and get on with our vacation?
Frankly, sweetheart, I'm
bored stiff with slashing throats.
Well, I'm bored with murder.
Lilly, how can you say
that? Murder's our living.
I mean, without it
you wouldn't have that
beautiful diamond brooch
or the Rolls-Royce or
the estate in the country.
Now, come on, let's get on
with that captain business quickly,
then you can
start your vacation.
All right.
Oh, look. What?
Here's something.
The captain is officiating
at skeet shooting.
Well.
We could make it
look like an accident.
( mouths): What?
MAN: Shootings are so messy.
And you know it
attracts a crowd.
What about an ice
pick through the head?
Teddy, that's
been done to death.
Well, tell me what hasn't.
Doc. Doc. Doc. Doc. Doc.
Isaac, what's the matter?
You look like
you've seen a ghost.
We'll be seeing the captain's
ghost if I don't warn him.
They're planning to kill him.
What? Who? The Smiths.
They want to murder the captain.
Oh, come on.
Man, listen. Listen.
They were talking
about slashed throats.
It's... It's... It's
their business.
Isaac, slashed throats
are my business,
along with scraped knees
and, uh, fever on the brain.
( ominous theme playing)
( mellow theme playing)
You... are... my...
Was it this way or was...?
Friend. I got you.
Say goodbye to the
groupie, kid. We got business.
Marty, this is Sara. Uh-huh.
And Marty. Yeah?
Sara is my friend.
Oh, charades. Charades.
Marty, Sara is deaf.
MARTY: Oh.
Say your goodbyes and
meet me in the lounge.
You gotta rehearse
the tarantulas.
( laughs)
It would take too
long to explain.
I'll walk you back
to your cabin, okay?
( upbeat theme playing)
Okay. How about there?
ISAAC: Have a good
day. All right. Bye-bye.
( gasps, sputters)
Oh, um, two Singapore
slings, please.
Can't we just drown him?
( chuckles)
A sea captain?
Oh, Lillian, think
of your profession.
Well, it was much
easier in the old days.
We could just blow them away.
Ah.
But one must
move with the times.
Just think what we
have at our fingertips.
Laser beams.
High-frequency sounds.
Yes. We'll sauté his
innards with microwaves.
Now you're cooking.
( dramatic theme playing)
( jazzy piano music playing)
I wonder what the
captain's gonna do
when Deacon Dark
shows up at his table.
Don't worry. Get along fine.
I just hope he doesn't
wear his snake.
Hi, Gopher. Hi, Julie.
Hi, Phil. Hi, Phil.
Oh, excuse me.
Uh, Phil? Yeah?
Phil? Yes?
Uh, this seat is reserved
for Deacon Dark. I'm sorry.
I'm afraid that's me.
Really? Yeah.
Oh!
Captain, this is Deacon Dark.
The Deacon Dark.
Well, how do you do, Mr. Dark?
How are you? Nice to meet you.
I'm afraid I'm not
familiar with your music.
Well, most of my
music is kind of obscure.
Are you kidding me?
"Screaming Voodoo
Devil Boogie Woman"?
"Step, Step, Step on Toads"?
I have all of Deacon's albums.
I used to collect
Teresa Brewer albums.
Why?
Uh, I... I can't stay.
I have to... I have
to check on towels.
( Spanish guitar music playing)
Isaac? ( gasps)
Don't tell me you're still
spying on that nice couple.
Doc, they're really gonna do it.
They're gonna off the
captain with microwaves.
DOC: Mm-hm. Well, when you
see them brandishing an oven,
you let me know.
( whispering): Listen,
you gotta believe me.
Those people are for real.
Isaac, if they were for real,
they'd choose something
simple and available.
Like poisoned sugar cubes.
Look, Sherlock Holmes
you're not. Relax.
Good evening.
Evening. Evening, doctor.
Joanne, what do you say
you and I go into
the Acapulco Lounge
and boogie the night away?
( whispering): Gopher,
you gotta help me.
She needs my help
more than you do.
Listen. The Smiths.
( sighs) Poisoned.
Sugar cubes. What?
They're gonna
poison the captain.
Mrs. Smith took the sugar.
The captain's life is in danger.
Okay. Here's what we'll do.
You stick close to the captain.
Don't let him out of your sight.
First sign of
trouble, you call me.
Okay. I'll be in the
bar pretending to work.
Okay. I'll be with Joanne
pretending to boogie.
( soft jazzy music playing)
What'd you have to drag me
away from the card game for, huh?
I was just breaking even.
Oh, I thought maybe
we could dance.
I don't feel like
it. You go ahead.
I'll catch up to you later.
Hi.
Hi.
Anything I can do?
Here I am on a romantic ship
in the middle of
a beautiful ocean.
Doc, a girl wants a little
love and affection in her life.
Why can't Vinnie feel
for me what I feel for him?
Hey. Hey.
Eyes as lovely as yours
shouldn't be clouded with tears.
You say the nicest things.
Only to the nicest people.
( music ends) ( applause)
You're a marvelous dancer.
How do you do it?
She says that she
can't hear the music,
but she can feel the vibrations.
At last, someone who
can enjoy my singing.
( drumroll)
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the
Acapulco Lounge.
I'm here to
introduce a superstar.
Ladies and
gentlemen, here he is.
The demented, the dangerous,
the disgusting Deacon Dark.
( cheers and applause)
( drumroll)
( rock music playing)
♪ Smash it, smash it ♪
♪ Hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ Bash it, slash it ♪
♪ Hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ You say You
wanna save the world ♪
♪ I say smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ You say you
wanna save our love ♪
♪ I say trash it ♪
♪ Trash it ♪
♪ Trash it ♪
♪ You know you never ♪
♪ Say what you mean ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ You know I'm not like
that 'Cause I'm mean ♪
♪ And I mean what I say
Yeah, I mean what I say ♪
♪ Yeah, I mean what I say
Yeah, I mean what I say ♪
♪ You say You
wanna save my soul ♪
♪ And I say smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ You say You
wanna save my life ♪
♪ Well, I say smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Slash it ♪
♪ Slash it ♪
♪ Hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ Trash it ♪
♪ Bash it ♪
♪ Bash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
♪ I'll hit it with a
hammer And trash it ♪
♪ Smash it, smash it ♪
♪ Smash it, smash it ♪
♪ Smash it ♪
( cheers and applause)
You liked it, right, sir?
Well, uh, let me
put it this way.
He's no Jerry Vale.
( upbeat theme playing)
Sorry I'm late, honey.
I got hung up
on the tables. I...
What are you doing?
Leaving you.
Leaving me?
What, are you gonna
swim home to your mother?
Very funny, Vinnie.
But I'm going.
What are you talking about?
You never cut out on me before.
I'm tired of being
taken for granted.
I want some affection. Intimacy.
Things you obviously
won't give me.
Where are you going?
To Doc's.
Isaac, I want to thank
you for your concern,
but, uh, why would the
Smiths want to murder me?
Because, uh...
Frankly, sir, I think he's
been working too hard.
I haven't been
working hard at all.
Hm. Oh, well, what I mean, sir,
is they're gonna bump you
off with poisoned sugar cubes.
Oh, Isaac, this whole
idea is ludicrous.
Ha! He's reading
too many mysteries.
( laughs)
Sir, I wish you'd take
this thing seriously.
Take what seriously?
The, uh... The killing.
Mr. Washington, I
want to thank you again.
Bye-bye. But,
sir, I am positive.
Isaac, I haven't an
enemy in the world.
( knock on door)
Enter.
Good evening,
captain. Evening, boys.
Oh! Uh, he just needs
a little bit of
shore leave, sir.
He'll be fine. Good
evening. Good evening.
How are you this
evening, captain?
I took the liberty
of pouring your tea.
Oh, I didn't order
any tea, Anderson.
You mean to tell me you
didn't call up and order tea?
No. Well, sir,
I'll just take it
right back, then.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
No, that's all right.
Uh, a cup of tea
might just hit the spot.
You can leave it. Oh.
All right, sir. Thank you.
Have a good evening.
Thank you, Anderson.
Thank you, sir.
( sighs) ( door opens)
( door closes)
( suspenseful theme playing)
STUBING: "Jensen
knew he was dying.
"He laughed bitterly
as he realized the irony
"of his last words to Mildred:
"'Don't worry, darling,
no one wants to kill me.
I haven't an enemy
in the world.'"
( chuckles)
( blissful theme playing)
So, what'd you think?
Really bizarre, huh?
I mean those people
just love those gimmicks.
You didn't like it, did you?
Look, I know I'm not the
world's greatest singer.
I just give the people
what they want, that's all.
Who am I to fight
with success, right?
Oh, forget about it.
I mean, you don't
have to be able to speak
for me to know
what you're thinking.
You're entitled to your opinion.
I'm sorry I disappointed
you. Good night.
( dramatic theme playing)
Mitzi.
Vinnie. What are you
doing with my wife?
Doing? I wasn't doing
anything. She just got here.
And I'm here because I will go
anywhere to be where you're not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I want you to make my
wife fall out of love with you
and come back to me or...
Vinnie, she's not
in love with me
and I'm not in love with her.
We're just good friends.
Oh, then you won't mind
if I break the door down
with your face.
Excuse me.
Uh, Mitzi, this is Doc.
Uh, Mitzi, why don't you and
Vinnie go back to your cabin
and, uh, talk things out?
MITZI: Because.
Well, that makes sense.
MITZI: Take a hike, Vinnie,
and leave me alone.
Okay. Terrific.
I ain't losing any
sleep over you, lady.
Come on. What?
You're not staying
here with my wife.
Please, Mr. De
Risi, I'm a doctor.
Yeah, but you ain't
operating tonight. Out.
So after you left,
I started to think about
people who might qualify.
Qualify?
Yes. For the enemies I
might have in the world.
And you remembered the Smiths?
Maybe Smith isn't
their real name.
Maybe they were sent by someone.
So I made up a little list.
The names with the stars
are my top-ten enemies.
How about the
names with the dots?
Runners up.
Oh, what's the matter with me?
( chuckles)
No one has a good reason
to want to see me dead.
( snaps fingers)
Maybe it was someone
with no reason.
Or maybe it's just someone
who likes a challenge.
( celestial theme playing)
Doc? Hm?
Doc, are you asleep?
( groans)
Vinnie. Vinnie, it's...
Big hand's on the 12, the
little hand's on the three.
Three. Oh, Vinnie!
Doc, we gotta talk.
If I lose Mitzi, I'll go crazy.
Vinnie, I told you what to do.
Yeah, I know, tenderness,
gentleness, romantic stuff.
I can't talk like that.
But it's easy.
Compliment her on
her eyes, her hair.
Whatever you happen
to be looking at.
Good night.
Yeah, that's it.
Your skin, it's so white.
It's so smooth, like
a brand-new cue ball.
You've convinced me.
You need help.
You're lucky I make house calls.
Now, look...
MAN ( over PA): Good morning,
and welcome to Cabo San Lucas.
We hope you enjoy your day.
( mellow theme playing)
I'm really sorry
about last night.
I wasn't angry with you,
I was angry with myself.
Look, it's gonna be
kind of hard to explain,
but I'd like to try again, okay?
Friend.
See, I know I don't need all
those props and gimmicks,
but... But Marty...
Well, Marty doesn't understand.
He thinks that's the
only way I can make it.
All I wanna do is write
songs and... And sing,
but somehow it all got mixed up
with money and success and...
Well, I wrote this
song for you and...
Just pretend it's poetry
and pretend it's good, okay?
ANNOUNCER:
They're neck and neck.
It's Blue Moon, Hi-Yo
Silver and Rolling Roar.
Beige Beauty moving up on
the inside. Looking to the back...
Hey, Doc, I didn't know they
had horse racing on the ship.
Vinnie, I didn't stay up
all night coaching you
so you could play the horses.
Now, you stay here
and behave yourself.
I'll go get Mitzi. What if
something goes wrong?
Nothing's gonna go
wrong. You'll do fine. Okay?
Okay.
( knock on door)
Sara, come on in.
What's the matter? What's wrong?
This from Phil?
Oh, slow down. No,
no. Don't go so fast.
Hm.
Are you sure you love him?
Well, then if you
feel that strongly,
go to him and tell him.
You'll find a way.
Bye.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
it is now one
minute to post time
for race number three on
the Lido Deck Derby Day.
Place your bets.
VINNIE: Put $100 on
Purple Passion for me.
Doc said you wanted to see me.
Oh, yeah.
Um, it was kind of lonely
without you last night.
I'll bet.
Mitzi, I'm just trying
to be nice to you.
( bell rings) ANNOUNCER:
And they're off!
And the first number is four.
There goes Green
Hornet off to an early lead,
followed by Beige
Beauty, Blue Moon,
Purple Passion, Red
Rover and Hi-Yo Silver.
So, uh, what do you want to say?
Well... ANNOUNCER:
Neck and neck.
Purple Passion
leading... Your neck.
What about it?
ANNOUNCER: As
they enter the stretch...
It stretches. No.
Oh, that is beautiful.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
ANNOUNCER: Nose to nose...
Your nose. Coming
up on the outside...
It's on the outside!
ANNOUNCER: Red
Rover and Purple Passion,
It's Purple Passion.
Come on, Passion!
ANNOUNCER: And the
winner is Purple Passion,
followed by Red Rover.
( cheers and applause)
I win, I win, I win!
ANNOUNCER: And the next
race, ladies and gentlemen...
I lose.
ANNOUNCER: Ten
minutes to post time.
Ten minutes.
I feel ridiculous
having a bodyguard.
Would you rather feel dead?
Sounds like Isaac's been
sampling his own work, sir.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
This entire thing has
gotten out of hand.
Lillian,
it's imperative
that we find a way
to finish off the
captain tonight.
LILLIAN: Hm, you're right.
We've already received a
contract for the next one.
I know.
It must be their
busy time of the year.
MR. SMITH: And don't forget,
we've got that convention
in Boston next month.
Oh, my God. They
have group rates.
Wait, captain, wait.
What are you doing?
I am going to
confront the killers.
Sir, don't confront killers.
You could get hurt.
I am not going to my death
like a spineless jellyfish.
Once they know I'm onto
them, the tables will be turned...
in my favor.
Excuse me.
Captain. Oh.
I know why you are here
and what you are up to.
Oh, good.
Perhaps you'll be kind
enough to cooperate,
because we're
having a devil of a time.
MR. SMITH: Please,
captain, don't tell anyone
because we're on
a very tight schedule
and we don't want
to attract a crowd.
Um, we'll just hang around
until we get the job done.
Wish us luck. Hm.
( ominous theme playing)
( majestic theme playing)
Hi, there. Hey, Doc.
Say, Doc, is Mitzi still
staying in your cabin?
Yeah.
I wish you two
would get together.
I kind of miss my
own lumpy mattress.
Could you do me a
favor and give her this?
And give her this note too.
I wanna tell her
goodbye. Goodbye?
Vinnie, Mitzi doesn't
wanna lose you.
She loves you.
Ah, not anymore.
Vinnie, all Mitzi wants from
you is some signs of affection.
Well, I talked to her
like you told me to.
Good, good.
No. Bad, bad.
You see, this horse
race was going on...
Oh, Vinnie, you didn't?
Yeah. I did.
My horse came in,
but my wife walked out.
I should have stayed with you.
Yeah. You could have
told me what to say.
That's it.
That's what we'll do. What?
We'll go knock on Mitzi's door.
Now, she won't
want to talk to me,
so she'll keep the door closed.
But I'll talk to her anyway.
The only thing is you'll
be telling me what to say.
Sounds vaguely
familiar, but it won't work.
Of course it will. I
saw it in a movie.
Uh, Cyril Deburgerjack.
Cyrano de Bergerac?
Have it your way.
With a little practice,
I know we can pull
this off. Come on, Doc.
Well, I don't know.
( dramatic theme playing)
Sara.
Hey, Sara, I'm
really sorry about...
Oh, you can't go out
there, sir. They'll find you.
I've got a ship to
run, rounds to make.
I can't stay in here forever.
GOPHER: I got it!
Sir, you will make your rounds.
Take off your clothes.
Play?
( playing)
You little devil.
You can feel the
music with your hands.
( playing)
♪ Never saw the rainbow ♪
♪ Only saw the rain ♪
♪ Everything was
wrong And nothing right ♪
♪ Then along came Sara ♪
♪ Sweet and loving Sara ♪
♪ Took my hand And
led me to the light ♪
♪ Now I see the rainbow ♪
♪ And I don't mind the rain ♪
♪ Sara's here And
nothing is the same ♪
♪ All my world is magic ♪
♪ Since she smiled hello ♪
♪ Now that I have
found you Sara ♪
♪ I can never ♪
♪ Ever let you ♪
♪ Go ♪
( stops playing)
( romantic theme playing)
Gopher? Shh!
Gopher, what are you doing?
I'm impersonating the captain.
You could go to jail for
impersonating an officer.
I could get killed for
impersonating an officer.
I'm on decoy patrol.
I'm gonna throw the
Smiths off the captain's trail.
What are you talking about?
I can't talk now. I
gotta keep moving.
Remember me fondly.
Good evening. Going
up on deck? Yes.
The moonlight tonight
will knock you dead.
They say it's a killer.
( laughs)
( suspenseful theme playing)
That's it, Marty. I work
like this or I don't work at all.
Oh, come on, Deacon. Phil.
Look, what makes you think
you can make it like that?
Well...
Well, I sang my song for Sara
this afternoon and she loved it.
Could I ask you
a question, Phil?
How many records
do deaf people buy?
Mitzi, it's Vinnie. I
wanna talk to you.
Oop... Don't...
Don't open the door.
Why not?
Well, I'd like to talk to you
and what I've got to say has
to be said through the door.
What do you wanna say?
What do I wanna say?
This is never gonna work.
This is never gonna work.
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Will you be quiet
till I'm ready?
Will you be quiet
till I'm ready?
MITZI: Did you come
here to insult me?
( imitating Vinnie): Uh, Mitzi,
Mitzi, I don't know
why I wasted all my time
on them foolish games of chance
when I could have been
playing the best game in town.
The game of love with you.
Oh, Vinnie, that's beautiful.
Yeah, ain't it?
But you... You sound...
You sound different.
Uh, that's because I'm
all choked up with emotion.
VINNIE: Like the Dodgers choked
the third game of the World Series.
Now you sound
like the old Vinnie.
I may sound like the old Vinnie,
but believe me, this
is the new Vinnie.
A new Vinnie who
wants a new relationship.
A new relationship full of
intimacy and full of affection.
Yeah, and public kissing.
Oh, Vinnie.
I love you.
Doc? Hi, there.
( normal voice): Hi, there.
I should have known.
You even found a way of
turning love into a hustle.
No, no, no, honey,
honey. Listen, please.
I... I... I meant everything
he said. I swear.
He did. He did.
Oh, sure he did.
Okay, if you don't believe
me then go ahead and split.
Now, wait a minute.
Both of you, just hold on.
Get over here.
Now, you loved each
other enough to get married.
Now why don't you
give it a chance?
Come on, Vinnie.
Tell her how you feel.
It doesn't have to
be special or fancy.
It just has to be you.
Mm.
You are like filling
an inside straight.
And you know something else?
Without you, I'd croak.
Oh.
Vinnie. Oh, Vinnie.
The man's a poet.
( grunts) ( laughs)
Sir, please sit down.
It's out of our hands now.
I'm worried about Mr. Smith.
Our Mr. Smith.
Uh, do you mind if I
read the last few pages
while we're waiting?
Isaac, at a time like this?
STUBING: The Smiths
are Evelyn Bosworth.
Huh?
They write these mysteries.
Oh, they're not
trying to kill me.
I bet they're plotting
their next book.
It probably takes
place on a cruise ship.
( mellow theme playing)
Well, Teddy, I have
to hand it to you.
What's that? As usual,
you've come up
with the perfect way
to do the dirty deed.
( laughing): Congratulations.
Oh, stop it, pretty face.
You make me blush.
Come on, open the
champagne. It's a celebration.
I'm doing my best. You
know how good I am at this.
( gasps)
( pops) Oh!
( yells)
Hey, what happened?
( Gopher groaning)
Hey, what happened?
Are you all right? What is it?
I regret that I have but one
life to give for my captain.
GOPHER: Sir! Sir!
I'm sorry about the
blood on your uniform, sir.
Just have it cleaned
and take the money
out of my last check.
There is no blood.
No blood? No blood.
There has to be
blood. They shot me.
With Blande des Blande '59.
( chuckles)
♪ Then along came Sara ♪
♪ Sweet and loving Sara ♪
♪ Took my hand And
led me to the light ♪
♪ Now I see the rainbow ♪
♪ And I don't mind the rain ♪
♪ Sara's here And
nothing is the same ♪
♪ All my world is magic ♪
♪ Since she smiled hello ♪
♪ Now that I have
found you Sara ♪
♪ I can never ♪
♪ Ever let you ♪
♪ Go ♪
( piano music stops) ( applause)
What a gimmick.
No gimmick.
( romantic theme playing)
( upbeat theme playing)
Thanks, Doc. Oh,
it wasn't anything.
It was something.
And every year
on our anniversary,
you'll be getting a
bottle of champagne.
In that case, I hope
you have lots of them.
Thanks, Doc.
I'll never forget you.
Hey, kid, hurry up. The
press is waiting outside.
I wish you had a tie
and a jacket, you know.
We have a new image to maintain.
You should look more
like, uh, Jerry Vale.
Marty, don't worry about it.
Why don't you go take
care of the press, okay?
Okay, kid. Okay. Good. Good.
He'll never change.
I...
Mwah.
STUBING: Oh,
Mr. Smith? Captain. Yes?
I, uh, finished your
novel last night.
Your detective is amazing.
Well, he doesn't work alone.
( chuckling): No, he had help.
Just as we did in
our latest endeavor.
And last night it finally
all came together.
That's why we were
celebrating with champagne.
Oh. Well, tell me.
Uh, what sort of
death did you choose
for this, uh, ahem,
fictitious captain?
Captain, what fun would it be
if you knew the
outcome ahead of time?
Now, Lillian's right, captain.
It's better that
you wait and see.
Rest assured, it's grisly.
Mm.
( both snicker)
We're, uh... We're calling
it Murder on the High Seas.
You'll love it. Bye.
Wow!
( sighs)
Hey, Murder in Eden.
I've been wanting
to read that book.
Did you finish it yet?
Yeah. The bus driver did it.
( majestic theme playing)