The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Joker Is Mild/Take My Granddaughter, Please/First Time Out - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( majestic theme playing )

( people chattering )

Hello.

Danny, Paul, Lee
and Kyle, right?



Yeah. ( laughs )

That's pretty good.

How'd you know?

Trick of the trade.

Just don't ask me which
one of you is which,

all right?

You're in 117 and
119 on the Fiesta Deck.

Uh, thanks. Uh...

I, uh, understand
that there's a lot of, uh,

action on this ship.

Nothing but. All day, all night.

It just doesn't quit.

Well, all right.

No, I mean it.

We got bingo,
shuffleboard, Ping-Pong.

You name it, we've got it.

Great plan.

Coming on a cruise.
( clears throat )

Oh. If you were talking
about female companionship,

don't worry.

We got lots of opportunities.

Well, that's good.

Because Danny here is about
as available as you can get.

You make it sound like
I'm only after one thing.

Aren't you?

No.

( playful theme playing )

Hello.

Believe me, Shirley,

this is the place for
you to find a husband.

Grandma... I won't
say another word.

Come on, Grams, this
is your birthday present.

I brought you on this
cruise so we could have fun,

not so you could
find me a husband.

I gave my promise and
I'm going to stick to it.

No interference in your life.

You're a big girl now. You
know what you're doing.

You don't need a
meddling old lady.

( chuckles ) Oh, Gram.

Well, now you've
had the grand tour.

Ah, the Love Boat.

It's a big waterbed.

I heard of sex, but
this is going overboard.

( imitates rim shot )

Boy, you haven't changed a bit.

Yeah, but you have.

And I can't get over it. Hm.

I really can't.

I remember you were this
big. Came right up to the thigh.

And here you are
now, the cruise director

of the big,
beautiful floatel. Hm.

I bet your dad's tickled pink.

He is. And he asked me to
say hello to you, Mr. Keys.

Barry. Barry.

Oh.

Yeah. His delivery's so good.

Freddy Stevens!

One of the biggest agents

we have here in the business.

Barry... Uh, uh... If
you came on this boat

to sign me up, forget it.

I'm on vacation.

Right, Barry. Anything you say.

Don't be such a sore loser.

Uh, yoo-hoo.

Uh... Uh, sailor person.

Welcome aboard, ladies.

I'm Yeoman-Purser Smith.

How can I help you?

Hello, I'm Shirley Warner.

This is my grandmother,
Mrs. Warner.

Ah, we'd like to have our meals

at a table for singles.

Huh.

Can't tell you how
the hotel was murder.

The rooms were so small,
you had to go out in the hall

just to change your mind.

( laughs )

You're gonna take the
elevator down three decks,

and then you turn left,
go down the passage...

Whoa, wait a minute.

Aren't you gonna
escort me to my suite?

Well, Barry, see,
according to this,

you're not exactly in a suite.

Well, that's okay.

I remember when I
starred at the Thunderbird,

they overbooked
the hotel so much,

they could only put
me up in a broom closet.

I had a choice: sleep or sweep.

Oh. No, seriously,

I'm gonna be up on the deck.

I'll socialize, mingle
with the little people.

You know how it is.

I'm sure you'll have
a wonderful time.

( elevator bell chimes )

Hey, here's the elevator.

Hey! I got scared.

I thought this
was my room first.

But, uh, look at that.
A captive audience.

What do you know about that?

Did you ever hear the
story about the one-armed...

Welcome aboard, ladies.

I'm Captain Stubing.

Hello.

Oh, hello. Hello.

You're Captain Stubing. Yes.

Well, Leonard Keller

never stopped
mentioning your name.

Leonard Keller?

Uh, he took this cruise
about, uh, four years ago. Oh.

Pale, frail.

And when he came home,
he had put on 12 pounds.

Said he never felt
healthier in his life.

Well, that's just
marvelous. ( chuckles )

Well, uh, how is,
uh, Leonard Keller?

Uh...

Oh, uh, he died.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Well, that's life.

Come on, Shirley. ( chuckles )

( majestic theme playing )

( foghorn blows )

( people chattering excitedly )

( foghorn blows )

No, it's cool.

I got a friend who
owes me a favor.

Thank you.

Listen, I got another friend
who owes me some caviar.

No, that's okay, Isaac.

I just want Barry to
feel like he's still on top.

You know, when he was a star,

he gave my dad his
start in the business.

No kidding?

You know, I think I remember
Barry when I was a kid.

Didn't he used to appear
on The Ed Sullivan Show?

Yeah, he was on
all those shows then.

And didn't he wear a
crazy hat and carry a cane?

He still does.

And didn't he tell old jokes?

He still does.

But he sure deserves more
than the cheapest cabin on a ship.

Thanks again.

Anytime.

( knock on door )

Coming.

Oops.

Special delivery.

Compliments of the captain.

Cap?

Uh, how nice.

I guess you're old enough

to have a little
bubbly these days.

Oh, Barry, it's been
such a long time

since I've seen you.

You remember when you
were just a little bitty thing,

and your dad used to
bring you backstage?

I remember.

Your father was one
of the nicest persons

I ever helped.

Oh, if you hadn't
helped my father,

he might not have gone into
show business. ( cork pops )

Speaking of show business,

what do you do here on board?

I mean, you got any
entertainment here?

Oh, yeah. There's a terrific

combo in the Acapulco Lounge,

and we've got some great acts...

I know what you're thinking.

You're wondering if old
Uncle Barry will do his act.

I'll tell you, Julie,

I really came on the
cruise to take a rest.

Oh, I wouldn't dream
of imposing on you.

I'm sure the last
thing you want to do

while you're on
this ship is to work.

Julie, if it'll help you
out, I'll do 15 minutes.

Not my whole act.

We... I'd love it,

but I really don't
think that's necessary.

Fine with me, but do you think

I should disappoint the captain?

Captain?

Come on, Julie.

What do you think he
sent the champagne for?

( slow, dramatic theme playing )

( majestic theme playing )

Gonna take a picture?

No. I'm going bowling.

Can't you tell by my shoes?

( chuckles )

That's... That's funny.

That's funny.

You know, this, uh,

photography thing
must be fascinating.

You got so many
things to shoot here.

Uh... Hey...

Hey, why don't
you take a picture of

Mr. Man-About-Boat?

I don't do still life.

And you're blocking my light.

Where would you like me to move?

Cleveland.

( mellow theme playing )

( screams )

Sorry.

Ah!

Shirley.

Dave?

( laughs )

Dave King. Ha.

Oh, what a c... How are you?

I haven't seen you
since the reunion.

Well, what's it
been? Five years?

Just about.

I hear you got married.

Also, uh... we're divorced.

Oh.

So how about you?
You, uh, still single?

Yeah, still single.

That's great.

( chuckles )

Not according to my grandmother.

( laughs )

Oh! Gram?!

Gram, come here, I want
you to meet somebody.

Oh.

You remember my grandmother.

Uh, what a wonderful character.

( laughs ) Yeah, well, she
hasn't mellowed with age.

Mm.

Gram. You remember Dave King?

I went with him
in my senior year.

Hello, Mrs. Warner.

Uh, Dave King, Dave King.

( inhales )

Uh, Shirley always
had so many fellas.

I had to figure a way
to remember them all.

( chuckles )

Uh, oh, yeah.

Oh, now I remember,
you were O.D.D.

Uh, Old DeSoto, Dandruff.

Well, actually, I got
rid of them both. Huh.

You know, he's got me
pretty well pegged, all right.

( chuckles )

Well, uh... Now, uh...

Listen, David, um...
since you graduated,

what have you been
doing with yourself?

Oh, I'm a teacher.

How wonderful.

Did you hear that, Shirley?

A teacher.

What college do you teach at?

Oh, no, no. I... I
don't teach college.

I... I teach 6th
grade arithmetic.

Oh.

Uh... ( clears throat )

excuse me, uh...

Uh, I have to talk
to her in private.

It's very important.

E-excuse me, Dave.
I'll be right back.

( whispers ): Grandma.

Grandma.

( normal voice ): Gram,
are you gonna start again?

I am not interfering with you,

I'm talking to you as a friend.

He's not right for you.

What is this "right for me?"

He's a person I know.

I'm talking to him.

Do you know what a
schoolteacher makes?

On his pay, he is
probably a stowaway.

Oh, Gram, honestly.

Far be it for me to
tell you what to do.

But?

But this is a place for you

to find a nice boy.

Promise me that you won't spend

all your time with Mr. Wrong?

I promise.

And that you will go
and mix and mingle.

I'll mix, I'll mingle.

Maybe show a
little more cleavage.

( playful theme playing )

You're a male, right?

You're 19 years old.

And a half.

MAN: Nineteen and a half.

You're a freshman in college,

one of the finest
pledges in our fraternity.

You just got this
one little problem.

You're still a...

Oh. Oh, what's the
word I'm looking for? A...

Virgin.

That's the word.

So what are you sitting
around do nothing for?

There is a boat, uh,
loaded with women.

You're the one who said,
"By the time I get to Acapulco."

Yes, sir.

Come on. Lay off of him.

Will you two leave?

You know, there are worse things

in the world than
being a... In your state.

Yeah, you could have
a couple broken legs.

My brother has the same problem.

Your brother?

The attorney?

No, my brother the
Little League pitcher.

But as soon as he
hits puberty, watch out.

Later.

( playful theme playing )

( exhales heavily )

( people chattering,
piano playing )

( Barry laughing loudly )

BARRY: Well, now
we're coming to the punch!

Waiter. Hey, hey.
Come here, come here.

Bring me a plate of
oysters, and hold the pearls.

( Barry laughing )

Now that's the first joke.

Wanna hear the second one?

( slaps knee, laughs )

He could wipe the
smile off the Mona Lisa.

I don't know what to do.

He's angling for me
to put him in the show.

Just tell him we have a
new entertainment policy.

We only use entertainers.

Thanks.

Say, Captain.

Would you pass me
the butter, please?

I would appreciate it very much.

If I could only get
the waiter over here,

I would appreciate
this, uh, even a lot more.

That's the way it is for folks
who, uh, keep... Take advantage,

and all that stuff.
Uh, there you go...

( cackling )

( Barry makes weird noises )

( laughing )

( playful theme playing )

( majestic theme playing )

Hello.

( sighs )

I couldn't help but
notice you here.

You certainly are attractive.

Tsk. I was wondering
if you'd like to...

( foghorn blowing,
mouths dialogue )

What?

( foghorn blowing,
mouths dialogue )

( shouting ): come
down to my cabin tonight!

Nice talking to you.

Uh-huh.

( playful theme playing )

How many days does he have left?

I don't know. But he's gonna
need every one of them.

( sighs )

( cackling )

Oh, boy.

So then the guy says:

"Listen, how do I
know that you know

"why there's 652
cows in the herd?

Exactly how?"

He says, "That's easy.

You count the legs,
you divide by four."

( Barry laughing )

Isn't that wild?

Huh? Is that beautiful?

I mean...

I mean, uh, the...
Well... ( stammers )

( splashing in pool )

Ooh. Excuse me.

I, uh, never fool around
with young people.

Hey, Julie.

How are you?

Now, when am I on the bill?

I mean, uh, I'm a
headliner, you know.

I don't go on first.

Well, uh, Barry,

I haven't actually had time
to reschedule the show yet.

I, uh... Ah, details.

I'll leave that to you.

Listen, I gotta go rehearse.

So I'll see you
later, huh, kiddo?

You don't have to thank me.

I'd do anything for you, okay?

What do you say, captain?

Hey, who's watching the store?

Yeah. Heh.

( Barry laughing )

( sighs )

He was bothering you too, hm?

Who? Mr. Keys? Bothering me?

Ha. Why he's the
funniest man in the world.

Miss McCoy, there
is funny "ha-ha,"

there is funny peculiar.

Woody Allen is funny "ha-ha."

Buttering one's hand
is funny peculiar.

You're right, sir.

But he's expecting me
to put him in the show.

Well, you're the officer in
charge of entertainment.

Tell him no.

But he's an old
friend of my father's.

I feel obligated.

Then put him in.

But he's not funny.

Then don't put him in.

But I like him, and it would
mean so much to him.

Then put him in.

But I have a responsibility
to the other passengers.

Then don't put him in.

Miss McCoy, when one is
in the position of authority,

one has to make
difficult decisions...

Decisions that
affect people's lives

but you have to do it.

You have to be rough.

Thank you, sir.

I'm going to be
honest, tell him he stinks

and he's not going on.

That's rough.

( playful theme playing )

Hi, there.

Hi.

You live around here?

Nice talking to you.

Just take one of
these before bedtime.

It'll help you to sleep.

I hope so.

Things go whirling
around in my head all night.

What kind of things?

Family things.

There's so much left unfinished.

And I'm not getting any younger.

Well, you're just as young
as you feel, Mrs. Warner.

And you feel pretty young to me.

Little medical joke.

Doctor, your hand.

Yeah. I got one on
the other arm too.

There's no wedding ring.

Right.

Mrs. Warner, is this a proposal?

Ah, ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

( clears throat ) How
about your insomnia?

What insomnia?

Soon I'll be
sleeping like a baby.

What about that.
I'm a faith healer.

How would you like to
meet a young, gorgeous,

sexy person?

I've already met one today.

( chuckles )

It's my granddaughter, Shirley.

She's got a brand new car,

she's got a stereo tape deck...

Mrs. Warner, I've been
accused of many things.

But being a fortune
hunter isn't one of them.

What kind of car?

What... Believe me, Mrs. Warner,

I'd love to meet
her, but really...

Shall we say in the
Acapulco Lounge, 7:00?

Oh, 7.

I've got an awful
lot of things...

Wonderful. I'll see you then.

( imitates Oliver Hardy ): Another
fine mess you've got me into.

How's that? That all right?

Yeah, it sounds all right.

Bring it up a little bit.
Yeah. Let's do it that way.

Testing!

One, two, three.

Yeah, that sounds all right.

Hold it right there.

Hey, Ronnie?

Give me the spotlight.

That's good.

You know, it would
be a good idea

if you iris in on my head

when I'm doing a
parody, right? Good.

Julie, how are you?

Just straightening
out the spotlight.

Can I talk to you
a minute, Barry?

Yeah, sure. Ronnie, take five.

( light clicks off )

Barry, you know
that when we book

the shows for these cruises,

that they're pretty well
worked out in advance, right?

Yeah. Go ahead.

Well, I don't know how
to tell you this, but I...

( dramatic theme playing )

What's wrong? ( groans )

What is it?

I'm all right. Let me
get the doctor for you.

No, no, no, no,
no. I'll be all right.

Let me catch my breath.

I'll be... I'll be
okay. I... Uh, really.

What is it, Barry? Your heart?

No, no, no. Look.

I'll be all right.

Just... let me rest a second.

Are you sure?

Do you know what I really need?

The sound of applause.

I'll bet you after
the show tonight,

I'll feel real good.

Wild horses couldn't
stop me from performing.

The show must go on, Julie.

Right?

Right.

The show will go on.

( sighs )

And you will too.

Okay. Let's try
some jumping jacks.

As my old army
sergeant used to say...

I'll tell you guys later
what he used to say.

Here we go.

( in rhythm with jumping ):
Hello, my name is Danny.

Would you like to come
for a drink with me later?

( in rhythm ): See that
man lifting weights?

That is my husband.

Well... nice talking to you.

( playful theme playing )

Hi.

Hi.

You look kind of beat.

I am.

Uh, in case you're wondering,

my name is Barbara Holmes.

I'm sorry. I'm Danny.

Yeah, I know.

( slow, dramatic theme playing )

Are you meditating,
or... are you just bored?

I got a lot on my mind.

Like, with school?

No. Hey, school's always
been a piece of cake.

I wish I could say that.

I'm majoring in communications,
and it's killing me.

Communications.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Well, then, we should
be able to communicate.

I guess so.

I better get going.

How about a toast?

( scoffs ) Sure, why not?

To, uh...

To success.

To success.

( glasses clink )

It's been very
nice talking to you.

You really dig him, don't you?

Yeah.

It's none of my
business, but... why?

I mean, he's only
after one thing.

No. There's a lot
more to him than that.

He's bright, he's sweet,

he's a really nice guy.

Are they selling rose-colored
glasses in the gift shop?

Come on, he's under a lot
of pressure from his friends,

you know?

If he could just get
past this one thing,

he could be himself.

You know, you're pretty
sharp for such a young girl.

It's not gonna do me any good.

He doesn't even know I exist.

Well... nice talking to you.

( exhales )

Tsk.

That's what they all say.

Seven o'clock!

I can't make it.

Believe me, Shirley,
he's handsome,

Johns Hopkins, single,
and you can't make it.

Where are you when I need you?

Gram, Dave King
invited me for a drink at 7,

and, Gram, he's very nice.

Can nice buy you a condominium?

I'm talking doctor.

I'm sorry. I've made my plans.

What are you doing?

What... What are you doing?

I'm throwing myself overboard.

What is the point of living,
when my granddaughter

gives up a doctor for a nobody.

( grunts ) Where are
you when I need you?

Stop that.

( blows raspberry )

Really?

I mean, you're
gonna let Barry Keys

do the show tomorrow?

Yes, I am.

Well... I mean, it might work.

Disaster movies are in.

( chuckles )

Isaac, just between you and me,

he's a very sick man.

And this could
be his last chance

to be in the spotlight.

You understand.

Julie, you're all right.

Oh, let me take it in.

Okay.

Thanks.

Julie.

Maybe if I'm extra
generous with the drinks,

the audience will be
too bombed to walk out.

BARRY: Come in.

Is that what you call resting?

( mellow theme playing )

Uh, uh... Uh, let me explain.

That was a phony
heart attack, wasn't it?

Always thought I
could have made it

as a straight actor. I...

Julie...

Okay, I'm a phony.

But a desperate one.

Why do you think I
came on this cruise for?

Because I knew that
Freddy Stevens, the agent,

was gonna be on it.

Back in Hollywood

they won't even let me
in the office to audition.

Ain't that a laugh?

I was a star when he
was pressing pants.

So you used me?

Guilty.

But I helped your father.

You owe me one.

Right.

But after you do
the show tonight...

the slate's clean.

( upbeat theme playing )

Is there no end to a
doctor's self-sacrifice?

Give her a chance, Doc.

I mean, how bad can she be?

( lounge music playing )

Is that her?

Uh-oh. The moment of truth.

Ah, there you are, doctor.

Ah, there you are, Mrs. Warner.

Come and meet
my beautiful Shirley

with the warm disposition,

who can cook and
sew like a bandit.

( murmurs )

A sewing bandit?

Oh, Mrs. Warner, I forgot.

I've... I've got to perform an
emergency appendectomy.

( giggling ): Ridiculous.

No, on myself.

You're just nervous.

Oh, yes.

Shirley will make you relax.

But I'm not dressed.

Y... My dear fellow.

( sighs )

Just to keep my
grandmother happy,

I've invited him over
for a drink, okay?

Okay, but just one drink.

I am not sharing you
for more than 15 minutes.

( giggling )

( Mrs. Warner
speaks indistinctly )

Dr. Bricker, may I
present my granddaughter,

Shirley Warner.

How do you do, doctor?

Hello, Shirley.

I'd, uh, like you to meet
my friend, Dave King.

Dave, nice to see you.

How are you? Nice...
Good to... Good to know you.

Well. Uh,

now, uh, I'll leave you
two alone in peace.

Dave, they're playing our song.

Oh!

Oh.

Shirley, Shirley, Shirley.

Where have you been all my life?

Ah-huh.

( band playing
upbeat dance music )

( majestic theme playing )

( foghorn blows )

Okay. "Prentice."

Sandy Prentice.

Is she the one with
the great left jab?

Hi. Hi. How come
you didn't go ashore?

Ah, no time. No time.

"Harriet Langdon."

She's 72 years old.

Ah, is she single?

Well, we can scratch
Harriet Langdon.

"Jones, Carmel Lois."

Ah, forget her. She's the
one I spilled spaghetti on.

Danny... "Beverly Amato."

He's a guy.

Danny, could I talk to
you for a minute, please?

Uh, sure. Yeah, sure, sure.

I mean as a friend. Yeah.

Okay, now, you've
been on this cruise

for a couple of days now.

And I was wondering,
have you had any fun?

Fun? ( scoffs )

Sure I had fun.

Maybe not exactly fun.

Look, I didn't come
here to have fun.

I came here to find a woman.

Ah, that didn't come out right,

but you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

I don't think you
know what you mean.

I mean, you've got
this point to prove,

and I think it's
making you miserable.

This is all so unnecessary.

Ah, to you, maybe,

but I'm all this
ship talks about.

I mean, this guy came
up to me and he said,

"Is it," uh... "Is it true
what they say about you?"

I said yes, and...

he asked me for my autograph.

I think you're exaggerating.

Danny, I'm a woman,

and I can tell you that
sex is only a small part

of what makes a
good relationship.

I mean, there is
much, much more.

( sighs ) Okay, maybe I'm crazy,

but if I don't, uh...

I'm never gonna
hear the end of it.

Hey, maybe I should
become a monk.

I've already got the
celibacy part mastered.

I think you're trying too hard.

Yeah?

It's probably like
studying for finals.

Everything comes to
you on the last night.

Couldn't you try to think
of something besides sex?

( playful dramatic
theme playing )

Well, I have to
admit it, Mrs. Warner,

everything you said
about Shirley is true.

Would I lie to a
professional man?

There they are.

Ha-ha. Shirley, and,
uh, acquaintance.

Hi, Shirley.

Hi, uh, acquaintance.

MAN ( on PA ): David
King to the purser's desk.

David King, please.

Ah, excuse me.

I'd better go see
what they want.

Thought he'd never leave.

Well, let's see, uh,
your move or mine?

I don't believe this.

Gram, did you deliberately
have David paged?

No.

I did.

( majestic theme playing )

You are missing the party.

Are all the women weeping?

Come on.

Tonight might be
your lucky night.

Yeah.

I might fall overboard.

( mellow theme playing )

BARBARA: Hello, Danny.

Barbara.

Have you come to
gawk at the eternal virgin

in his natural habitat?

Hey. I'm here because, well...

Well, I was hoping that
before the trip was over,

that we might get the
chance to know each other.

You mean that?

I'm here, aren't I?

Yeah, you are.

Do you want to take a
walk around the ship?

Sure.

Sure. Why not?

Or I guess we could always
go down to your cabin.

My cabin?

Sure. My cabin.

Uh, it's this way, isn't it?

Uh... right.

But, ah... Ah, it's left.

But, uh, that's right.

( laughs uncomfortably )

Uh... I mean, uh,
that... That's correct.

Right. That's... That's correct.

Uh... ( sighs )

Why don't you sit over there?

( sighs )

Well, why don't
you sit next to me?

Good.

( laughing ) It's, uh...

( exhales heavily )

( both giggling )

Here we are.

Yeah.

Ah... Uh...

would you like a
little champagne or...

No, I don't drink.

Neither do I.

Uh... little music, huh?

Something... soft and lyrical,

and lovely as you are.

I got a cassette of the
Led Zeppelin over here.

Uh, Danny?

Uh... poetry, huh?

I know this little
piece by John Donne.

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high
o'er hill and dale,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of lovely daffodils.

Danny, that's Wordsworth.

Yeah.

And Danny... Yeah?

Knock it off.

( tender theme playing )

What's wrong?

What are you doing here?

Huh. What?

I, uh... I can't figure out

what you're doing here.

( scoffs ) I'm here
because I like you.

Why?

Do you want a list?

Yeah.

Uh...

I think you're a nice guy.

And... And I thought, well,

maybe the two of us
could get along, you know?

Maybe you could like me and...

Well, I know I'm
not beautiful, but...

Oh, come on, knock it off.

You're... You're beautiful.

No, I'm not.

No, yes you are.

No.

Hey. Yes. Yes, you are.

You're beautiful.

You are. You're beautiful.

Now that's what I
call communicating.

( majestic theme playing )

( applause )

Ladies and gentlemen,

we're privileged to
have with us tonight,

for a special performance,

one of America's finest comics.

Let's have a big
welcome for Barry Keys.

( applause )

Thank you.

Now, uh, I'd... I'd like
to get one thing straight.

Uh, first of all, I want you
to know I'm 67 years old.

I'm a lot different than other
comics, uh, the same age,

you know, 'cause I'm really 84.

( laughs )

I... Uh, 85?

It's on? ( man coughs )

The mike, it's on?

Can you hear me?!

Uh...

Uh, speaking about
inflation, because, ha-ha...

Uh, you remember
the old days when, uh...

Uh... Uh, you wouldn't
give two cents for a guy.

Remember them? Huh?

Well, today it's, uh...
They're three for a dollar. Ha!

( giggles ) Isn't that wild?

Uh, the... I know you're
out there, I hear breathing.

Uh, you are an
English-speaking audience?

Well, listen. I mean,

those used to get big laughs
in the old days, you know?

That's what it is,
old jokes. You know?

Why don't I get
a stool, sit down,

we'll talk a little
bit, we'll rap and...

Don't go away.
I'll be right back.

Thanks, man. Thank you.

Things have changed.

Let's talk a little bit
about the generation gap.

And I'm here to make it wider.

( mellow theme playing )

He once did my father a favor.

( as Groucho Marx ): I
know what the favor was.

He didn't make him sit
through the act. A-romp-bump.

( normal voice ): Sorry.

No, you're right.

I never should have put him on.

I never should have
let my personal feelings

get in the way of doing my job.

That was a big mistake.

True.

But come on, Julie,
don't take it so hard.

You know, I bet you in
a couple of years time,

you'll look back on this
whole thing and laugh.

I don't think so.

I bet you will.

Maybe in ten years.

At least.

Yeah. I am responsible.

I'm gonna go back there

and take it like everybody else.

( mellow theme playing )

Not everybody else.

( crowd applauding )

BARRY: Thank you. Thank you.

And the names
they give kids today.

A lot different than
it was in my day.

My day you had names like

Tom, Dick, Harry,
and Charlie, Mike.

You know, today,
you go to the park,

you hear mothers say names
like, uh, "Michael Jeffrey?"

( crowd laughs )

Or Lafayette?

That's a first name.

Grandma said "Lafayette there?"

( crowd laughs )

( applause )

I'll tell you, kids
today... born today

are a little bit different.

Let's face it.

Most kids born
today have no spines.

Think I'm joking, huh?

Go to any corner.
This is how they stand:

"Hey.

"Hey, hey.

Where you wanna go, huh?"

And another thing.

When we used
to take out girls...

we didn't go home after
we took the girl home.

We had to go back to
the corner in the old days.

No matter what time,

you went back to the corner

because you had
to give a report.

( crowd laughs )

You had to find out
how you made out.

Get to the corner,
there'd be a lot of guys

doing something
like this to you:

And you'd go:

Oh.

But we knew you lied.

( laughter, applause )

Thank you. All right, listen. I
want to thank you very much.

You've been a most
wonderful audience.

And I am a little tired...

and I'm not lying.

Good night.

( applause )

( speaks indistinctly )

( band playing jazz music )

( claps hands )

Fantastic, Barry. Fantastic.

Congratulations,
Barry. You were terrific.

I w... I was good? Right? Yes.

Barry Keys, where
have you been hiding?

Huh?

I've got plans for you, pal.

Come on, we've got to talk.

We'll start out with
some small clubs.

Maybe in a couple of months
Las Vegas, TV, you know?

Later. Later, okay?

Look, this is important.

This is more important.

I'll see you later.

Mm. Julie, can you
ever forgive me?

Oh.

When you've
been in the spotlight

all your life, and suddenly

people begin to
ignore you, you...

You panic.

You'd do anything
to get their attention.

Anything to get on top again.

But if it means
losing the respect

of a decent girl
like yourself...

then this time the
price is too high.

Oh, Barry.

It pains me to say this, but...

You still hate me?

You're standing on my foot.

( both laughing )

You were terrific.

( majestic theme playing )

( knocking )

Hold on.

( gasps )

Doc. I'm sorry to
bother you this late.

Shirley, you cute thing.

At last you see things my way.

Doc... have you
ever been in love?

Oh. At least once
during every cruise.

Uh, no. You see,
with Dave and me...

it's the real thing.

Aha.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I tried.

But this whole thing mushroomed,

and now my grandmother is
set on the idea of you and me.

I am quite a catch.

Why don't you just
tell your grandmother

what you just told me?

Oh, I don't know how to do
that without hurting her feelings.

She's an old lady.

She's been both
mother and father to me.

She has such high
hopes for my future.

I'm all she has.

And you're scared
to mess with her.

Right.

Oh, I'd never
hear the end of it.

How she found me this terrific
doctor, and I turned him down.

Well, maybe she just
doesn't know me well enough.

What do you mean?

Shirley, ask your grandmother

to be here in my office
about 3 tomorrow.

I might just be able
to turn her around.

Oh, Doc, I thank
you. Dave thanks you.

Yeah. Well, I'm a
poor loser, Shirley,

so don't come to me
for your Wasserman.

( mellow theme playing )

Oh, what a dream.

This beautiful corsage
from the doctor.

Him asking us to be here,

because he has
something important to say.

Thank you, thank you,

big matchmaker up in the sky.

We've always wanted
a doctor in the family.

And what a practice.

People come to him
from all over the ship. Oh.

♪ So set 'em up, Joe ♪

♪ I got a lot A lot of stories ♪

♪ You don't wanna know ♪

Oh, my Lord.

♪ To-doodle-de-do ♪

( imitating drunk ): All
ready to operate, nurse.

Hiccup. Take off your uniform.

( screams )

Take your hands off of her!

Oh, it's all right, Gram,
we're almost engaged.

Over my dead body.

Leave her alone, you
degenerate rat. Oh!

Oh.

How did I ever get into this?

I am a stupid,
old meddling fool.

That's right.

Uh...

You're also a wonderful person,

and I love you... very much.

Doc was just putting
on an act for you,

because... I didn't
have the guts to tell you.

I'm in love with Dave.

Oh, I see.

Do you, Gram?

You always look at the
surface of everything.

Do you think that a man
is a better human being

because he's a doctor?

I always thought so.

Gram... Dave is a wonderful guy,

we have everything in common.

I think we can make a go of it.

Then what are you waiting for?

Let's go find him

before he throws you
over for some nobody.

Ah, thanks, Gram.

And I promise you from now on

I will stay out of your affairs.

We're gonna be
docking in San Pedro

in about a half hour.

I wish we had met earlier.

Um... I have to
go see the purser,

and everyone's gonna be
hanging around when we dock,

so... why don't we
say goodbye now?

Okay.

Goodbye.

And... hello.

Goodbye.

Hey, hey.

Hey. Where have you been?

We've been looking
all over for you.

I was just saying
goodbye to somebody.

And does that somebody have
anything to do with the towel

hung on your door last night?

A towel? Yes.

On my door, huh? ( chuckles )

Right.

Ah, does that smile look
like the smile of a lover?

Yes, ladies and
gentlemen, it does.

Who was she, Romeo?

A name. We gotta have a name.

Half the ship's
money is riding on this.

Hey, leave him alone.

Who was she? A real dog, huh?

Bow-wow city. Real mercy case.

Let's have a name.

I, uh... I don't know her name.

No name, no proof.

Come on, I tell you about
all my bimbos, don't I?

She wasn't a bimbo.

Oh, great. Okay.
So it's true love.

So what's her name?

BARBARA: Danny!

See you!

See you.

That's her, isn't it?

Her? No. No.

( clears throat )

Look, I, uh... There
wasn't any, uh...

There wasn't anybody.

There wasn't any girl.

Tsk. I made it up.

Phew. Right. Let's
go get our bundle.

Pick up our money
before they leave the ship.

Whoo!

Uh... Danny? Hm?

If that was no
girl... who was that?

It's just, uh, somebody who sits

behind me in chemistry class.

( mellow theme playing )

I gotta go get
my stuff together.

( majestic theme playing )

( foghorn blows )

( elevator dings )

( Barry laughing, chattering )

Barry. Barry.

If you don't call
me in the morning,

I'll be planted
outside your doorstep.

Wonderful. I live
on the 15th floor.

( both laughing )

Oh, folks, that's it.
Gotta cut out now.

Thanks for everything.

I'm glad I caught
you before you left.

Bye-bye, Barry.

Bye-bye, Julie.

Listen, you tell
your father for me

he's got a great,
beautiful daughter.

You do have a
sister, haven't you?

( both chuckle )

Bye-bye.

Hey, Danny!

A wonderful voyage.

I have a hat, pair
of leather sandals,

and a potential
member of the family.

Now, Gram, you
promised not to rush things.

Dave hasn't even asked
me to marry him yet.

And I may not. At least
for a couple of weeks yet.

Hi, I just want to say adios

and, uh, warn you about
the drinking water in L.A.

And wish you two a lot of luck.

( laughs ): Which
they're gonna need

with a grandmother
like me around.

Mrs. Warner, I hope you're
around for a long, long time.

Heh. Hey, Doc,
thanks for everything.

Goodbye, Doc.

Yeah. Oh, well...

( kisses ) I wasn't
so far off base.

You're a nice person.
You're a terrible actor,

but a nice person.

How would you like
to meet my niece?

She has a pleasing personality.

She can type.

SHIRLEY: Come on, Gram!

And her meat loaf
is a joy to the palate.

Oh. And... And she's
a former Miss Illinois.

Did you say meat loaf?

( both laugh )

( majestic theme playing )