The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 3 - Ex Plus Y/Golden Agers/Graham and Kelly - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blares )

Thank you very much. Okay,
now... Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I don't know, maybe
we're making a big mistake



going on this cruise. Oh, yes.

Who wants to spend
ten days lying in the sun

getting a great tan... Yes.

Eating lots of wonderful food,

being waited on hand and foot?

We do!

Hi, we're the Rixies.

Welcome aboard.

You're on the
Fiesta Deck. F-139.

Go down through the main doors,

down the companionway,
and then aft.

Thank you. Hi, kids.

I'm the kid. She's in puberty.

Isn't she a brat, huh, huh?

JULIE: Nice having
you with us again.

Bye-bye.

Hello, welcome aboard,
folks. Hi, sweetie.

If you're the official
glad-hander on this tub,

you must know where
they keep the hooch.

That's through the purser's
lobby and then go straight.

Nothing closer?

( upbeat theme playing )

I've got it.

That's my love. A truly
independent woman.

I'm not that independent.

I just want you to save your
strength for the good stuff.

Come on. You can get that.

Dr. and Mrs.
Carstairs. I've got them.

Mm-hm. The Ramirez family.

Sí.

Mr., uh... gorgeous.

Come on, gang. All aboard.

Gorgeous, Mr.

I don't see him. Oh, I do.

Aha.

Hi, I'm Mr. Wright.

That's what she thought
the minute she saw you.

Jim Wright.

Well, I'm Yeoman-Purser Smith,

and this is our
cruise director, Julie.

Julie.

Julie.

Oh, hi.

( stammering, giggling )

( muffled ): Julie McCoy.

Or if you speak
English, Julie McCoy.

Welcome aboard,
Mr., uh... Right.

Wright. Wrong.

No.

You can't be the Mr. Wright

with the Life
Begins at 60 tours.

Ah, yes, that's me.

I was expecting somebody... 60.

Well, I'm 30.

Looks like my life
is just beginning.

Well, where's your
group, Mr. Wright?

Uh, uh, they'll be
along in a minute.

I think the gangplank
slowed 'em up a little bit.

You have time
for a cup of coffee?

Well... I should finish.

Oh.

Would you mind
checking in the group?

No, you kids go right ahead.

I'll handle everything.

Thanks. Well...

♪ Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily Merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

( all laughing )

Hi, Jimmy. Where you going?

JIM: Uh, well...
Hey, who's the cutie?

This is your cruise
director, Julie McCoy.

Ah. She looks like
the real McCoy to me.

( all laughing )

And this is your assistant
purser, Mr. Burl Smith.

But everybody calls me Gopher.

Listen, everybody, why don't
we try and find your cabins?

I know you all
could use a little rest.

Rest nothing. Come
on, Jimmy boy,

let's check this tub
out and find the action.

♪ Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily Merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream ♪

( playful theme playing )

I can dig it.

( upbeat theme playing )

There you go, Mrs.
Larson. One piña colada.

Thank you.

I could really get
hooked on these things.

Yeah, but you gotta watch 'em.

One is delicious,
two are dangerous,

and three will make you wanna
go bowling with your head.

( all chuckle )

I'll have another one. Oop.

I'm a terrific bowler.

First strike coming up.

( sighs ): Oh.

Boy, this beats
Chicago in the winter.

Death Valley beats
Chicago in the winter.

Maybe I can move
my practice here.

Why not? They've got
everything else on this cruise ship.

Why not a marriage counselor?

That reminds me. Did you, um...?

Did you call Barney
before the ship left L.A.?

Why do I wanna
call my ex-husband?

Oh, I don't know.

I had hoped you two might
resolve your differences.

You know, dissipate
some of that hostility

that came out of the
divorce proceedings.

I'm not hostile anymore.

Terry, it's obvious

you still harbor deep feelings
of resentment toward Barney.

I do not harbor deep feelings
of resentment towards Barney.

I just hate his guts.

You know, sometimes I feel
all of your anger towards Barney

is affecting our marriage.

I sometimes think
you're not over him yet.

Over him? I'd like to
drive a truck over him.

That's not a healthy attitude.

( laughs )

What do you know
about attitudes?

You were our marriage counselor.

Boy, did you ever bomb out.

I beg your pardon.

I helped you make a
great deal of progress.

We got divorced.

I call that progress. I got you.

( laughs )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Pfft!

My God.

What?

Terry? Terry?

What's wrong? What is happening?

Terry?

Terry, will you talk...?

( muttering )

Will you talk to me here?

Is this some weird religious
experience you're having?

Barney's down there.
Do you think he saw me?

I didn't hear anybody laugh.

Oh, Jesus. He's
gonna ruin our cruise.

Why? I always liked Barney.

Purser? GOPHER: Yes, ma'am.

Can I get off this boat?

Ah, service that bad, huh?

No, no, no, no, no. My
wife is just a little upset.

I'm a lot upset!

Um... well, heh,

sir, you see, the captain
really needs me now. He, um...

He goes all to pieces
when I'm not there

to help him with the
steering and all that ship stuff.

Have a nice day. Yeah. Okay.

Good. Come on, baby.

Now, listen. Come... Hold it.

Now, be mature.

You can't avoid Barney
for the entire cruise.

Do you wanna bet?

Now, listen to me. You're
an intelligent woman.

He's an intelligent man.

This is the perfect time
to resolve your differences.

The important thing
is to act like an adult.

Right?

You're right.

I'll act like an adult.

( chuckles )

( piano playing )

Hi. Be a good sport and
bring Grandma a boilermaker.

I'm sorry, miss, but
are you 21 years old?

Keep that up and you'll be able

to retire on your
tips this voyage.

Thank you.

I'm Kitty Pickrel.

And what are you
girls playing here, hm?

Crazy eights.

Oh, give me them cards.

( tense theme playing )

Get over here, pumpkin.

I want you to meet my two pals.

This handsome twerp
is Graham Pickrel,

my grandson.

And these are my
new poker buddies.

Oh, do you know what?

I don't know your names.

Kelly Rixie, and this
is my sister, Polly.

Well, I gotta go.

What in the world for, honey?

( as The Claw ): You will never
get the information out of me.

Never! Do you hear? You swine.

I'm being stabbed 12 times.

I'll never tell.

He's weird.

Cute, but weird.

I don't know where
he gets it from.

( all cheering )

JUDY: Oh! BARNEY: Ha-ha!

You're good.

Well, he's a
regular William Tell.

I also juggle, figure skate,

and I once pitched a
no-hitter for the Yankees.

Really? I lied about
the figure skating.

( laughs ) ( groans )

Well, I tried skeet shooting
once, I couldn't hit a thing.

Yeah, well, I
developed a technique.

It always works.

Keep my right elbow
close to my side. Mm-hm.

Not too close.

Left arm is firm, not too firm.

Take a deep breath,
line up the shot,

and as I pull the
trigger... ( gunshot )

I think of my ex-wife.

Oh, Barney. I know sometimes
when people get divorced

they have unhappy memories.

I have happier memories
of an ingrown toenail.

It doesn't always have
to be like that, Barney,

if you and I got married.

Judy, there are
two things I vowed

I would never get into again.

Edsel stock and marriage.

Oh, what she was like.

I mean, she treated
me like slime.

Treated my friends worse.

Worse than slime?
Yeah, take Harry.

From the sanitation department?

She wouldn't let
him in the house.

She let him come in, but she
wouldn't let him touch anything.

Do you know what it's
like to play poker with a guy

who's standing up
and wearing gloves?

Hated my job.

Thought life
insurance was morbid.

Well, Barney.

It's only morbid
when you're collecting.

The more I think about it,
the more steamed up I get.

( tense theme playing )

My, God, there's
Terry. ( cocks gun )

Barney, it isn't worth it.

Bet I could have
winged her. Barney.

Yeah.

Now, listen, you. Huh?

I know breakfast is not the
most romantic meal of the day,

but if I can't get to
see you over martinis,

at least I saw you
over Rice Krispies.

I thought it was very romantic,

and I got to learn all
these little intimate details

about you.

You like strawberries
on your cereal,

two sugars in your
coffee. ( chuckles )

You're not grumpy
in the morning.

How can anybody be
grumpy around you?

WOMAN: Hup, hup, hup, hup.

Oh, come on, Jimmy,
you call that jogging?

That's not even a
brisk walk. Come on.

You wanna see grumpy?
Hup, hup, hup, hup...

( dramatic theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

Now the Golden Gate Bridge
is the longest suspension bridge

in the world. Sorry,

but the Verrazano-Narrows
Bridge in New York

outspans it by 60 feet.

Except the Verrazano-Narrows
Bridge in New York,

which outspans it by 60 feet.

Such stimulating conversation.

You have me on
the edge of my seat.

( chuckles )

By the way, you two are a
very interesting combination.

A grandmother from England
and a grandson from Brooklyn.

Well, my daughter couldn't
resist a man in uniform.

Ahh.

He was an American
soldier stationed in Britain?

No. A bus driver in Brooklyn.

( chuckles )

Actually, there are
any number of bridges

longer than the Golden Gate,

but they're not
suspension bridges.

Advanced for his
years, isn't he?

He's great at being adult,

but he knows nothing
about being 12.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Hello, Ms. Pickrel.

KITTY: Oh, hello.

KELLY: Hi, Doc. BRICKER: Hi.

( as The Claw ): The Claw.

Igor, the curse
of my royal blood,

it happens only
around beautiful women.

Ms. Pickrel, start worrying.

Guess he just doesn't like me.

But he called you a
beautiful woman, didn't he?

Come to think of it, he did.

( groans )

What are you doing on my ship?

I'm taking a friend on a cruise.

What are you doing on my ship?

Having a very enjoyable
trip with my second husband.

A man, by the way, who makes
you look like chopped liver.

You ought to meet my girlfriend.

She's young... and attractive.

I saw her.

How many years before
she graduates high school?

She has a masters in
Anthropology. She's intelligent.

And she's with you?

Couldn't you have
taken the plane?

Why couldn't you
have used your broom?

If you had any character,
you'd get off this ship.

What do you want me
to do, jump overboard?

Yeah. I'll throw you a rope.

Both ends.

( groans )

Barney.

You're not gonna cause
any trouble, are you?

What do you mean? Well...

when Ron couldn't
straighten out the problems

you and I were having, and...

I ended up with him,

you sort of threatened
to rearrange his face.

Me?

I don't go in for
physical violence.

If I hit him at all,
it'll be very lightly.

Julie? Yes?

Can I talk to you
woman to woman?

Absolutely.

Well, I can't really
talk to my father

about something like this, so...

Okay. Shoot.

You went through puberty, right?

Yes. There's some people I
know who think I'm still in it,

but yes, I did.

And when it was over, did
you know how to handle boys?

That's a tough question,

because there are some
boys that you just sort of

instinctively know
how to handle, right?

And there are some boys
that you learn how to handle.

And other boys
you never figure out.

Oh.

That wasn't much help, was it?

Well, what do you
do with someone

who's the most grown-up
person in the world one minute,

and the next minute he's
acting like a 6 year old?

Graham, huh?

Yeah. Can't get him into
a normal conversation.

Well, there's one thing
I learned about men,

regardless of their
age, and that is

that they have
one favorite topic:

themselves.

So the next chance you get,

ask him a couple of
questions about himself.

Well, like, what
kind of questions?

You know, what kind
of car does he drive?

What's he do for a living?

Julie, he's only 12.

Oh.

Well, you know what I mean.

You really think it'll work?

It usually does.

Okay, I'll try.

Well, you see, there's this
very attractive girl on board.

Yeah? Which one?

Oh, you mean
that little girl, Kelly.

Yeah. Right.

Every time I see her, I
feel like my brains fell out.

I never know what to say.

Hey, that's easy. Flatter her.

There isn't a woman in the world

who doesn't like to
hear how nice she looks.

You tell her how nice she looks.

Is that all I have to do?

Take it from me.

I've been very
successful with women.

I've been married four times.

( dramatic theme playing )

Good evening. Good evening.

Isn't this exciting?

Imagine, sitting at
the captain's table.

Oh, this is gonna be such fun.

Provided we don't
run into Barney.

Oh, I don't think we
have to worry about that.

They don't serve French fries
and Quarter Pounders here.

Is there another
captain's table?

Wish there were.

Of course, you'll do
the gentlemanly thing

and sit somewhere else.

Of course, you'll do the
polite thing and take a hike.

Hello, Barney.

Um, long time no see.

Hi, Ron. How's the fake
marriage counselor business?

Heh-heh. Barney,
charming as ever.

Uh, we've not been introduced.

I'm Ron Larson, Terry's husband.

Judy Watson. My wife, Terry.

How do you do? How do you do?

I believe you know Barney.

Oh, do I know Barney.

Good evening. I'm
Captain Stubing. Hello.

It's nice to have you
on the ship again,

Mr. and Mrs. Green. Good
evening. We're the Larsons.

Aha. Hello.

Hello. Judy Watson,
Barney Mason.

And they were just leaving.

Oh, was it something I said?

That's just Mrs. Larson's
feeble attempt at humor.

Barney.

Oh, please, um, have a seat.

Have two.

( laughter )

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

An ancient nautical tradition.

Captain's orders.

That's nice.

Yes.

Good, good.

Now... here we are all together.

Terry? Mm-hm?

I must tell you how
great the house is.

What house? I live with Barney.

Oh, our house.

I mean, that house.

JUDY: You have such super taste.

I really hate to
change anything.

Especially in the dining room.

All that wonderful marble
and chrome and leather.

What really makes
that room for me

is the black-and-white
tile floor.

Yes, it did.

"Did"? Well, it
started to buckle,

so Barney replaced
it with AstroTurf.

AstroTurf in my dining room?

That's very practical.

You can hose it down.

And it's our dining room.

He's right, you know.

Who asked you?

Ahem. Well, uh, how are
you all enjoying the cruise?

Swell.

Delightful. Terrific.

AstroTurf.

Good, good.

Now, yeah, we'll begin with
two bottles of Verdicchio, please.

Hm-hm.

Well, I hope that you're
all taking advantage

of our wonderful facilities.

There's something
for everybody on board.

Is there a guillotine?

Uh, J-Judy, have you ever
been on a cruise before?

No. I love it.

We never went on a cruise.

What are you complaining
about? We're on one now.

What are you eating,
dear? Oh, I don't know.

Somebody's made
me lose my appetite.

I know the feeling.

You two are ruining my evening.

I know the feeling.

Ladies and
gentlemen... ( taps glass )

may I make a suggestion?

Let's pretend...

this is the First World War

and it's Christmas.

Poor guy's been at sea too long.

Now you two are the Huns,
you are the doughboys,

and for this holiday,

you lay down your
arms just like they did.

That's a good suggestion.

Well... I'm willing.

STUBING: There will be
no shooting at each other.

No secret attacks,
no dropping bombs.

How about lobbing
a little grenade?

Terry.

I'm willing if you're willing.

( stammers )

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

Uh, what are you
two doing after dinner?

Maybe we all can do
something together.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we'll go
dancing or to the casino.

Maybe we'll just
hang around the trench

and swap war stories
with the rest of the Huns.

( laughter )

"Dear Kelly, we would
be eternally grateful

if you would join us for an
evening of nightclubbing."

Who's that?

Quit pestering me.

"Eight-thirty tonight.

We will be the one with
the carnation in our nostril."

( laughs )

"Love, The Claw,
alias Graham D. Pickrel.

I-I."

The Second, you dope.

Damn. I'm gonna
tell that you swore.

I've heard you say
worse than that.

Not me. I'm only 10.

Well, la-di-da-da.

Can I ask you a question? What?

Can I drop a water bomb on
Graham when he gets here?

Grandma!

Grandma, look.

Why, honey, that's a pimple.

A pimple?

A pimple. Now?

Well, you have to get
one sooner or later.

Sooner okay, later
okay, but tonight?

Honey, you look fine.

That old pimple
looks like a freckle.

You're the only
one that'll notice it.

Why did I write
that stupid note?

I wish I was in prison.

Clyde, it's time for
you to shape up.

Now come on.

Put your coat
on... and shove off.

I'll go, I'll go.

I'll go get drunk. You'll
never see me again.

I'll wash up on the
Mexican coast someday.

( playful theme playing )

I, uh... I thought I'd better
spare you the water bomb

Polly was gonna drop on you.

( jazz music playing,
people chattering )

Table for two? Yes.

Right this way.

Thank you. Okay.

( clears throat )

Why, thank you, sir.

You know, this is
gonna come in handy

if I ever catch a cold.

GRAHAM: Well, the
dollar's here someplace.

Well, don't worry about
it, champ. Don't worry.

I think that moment slid by.

Enjoy your table.

( funk music playing )

What school do you go to?

Hawthorne.

You look very nice tonight.

Thank you.

Um... do you like sports?

Yes.

You look very nice tonight.

Thank you.

( sighs )

What's your favorite
subject in school?

Public speaking.

You look very nice tonight.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm sorry. Really.

Heh-heh! Yeah, well,
that's cool, man. That's cool.

Listen, it's a lucky thing
I saved that Kleenex

you gave me.

Why don't you tell him
how nice he looks tonight?

Oh, those poor kids.

They are not
getting along at all.

What are you so mad about?

All I said was you
look very nice tonight.

That's all you said.

Doesn't anything interesting
ever happen in school?

Yeah. There's
this girl in my class,

and one day somebody
barfed in her galoshes.

Oh, gross.

You better go back to
"You look very nice tonight."

Oh, yeah?

Well, to tell you the truth,
you don't look so great.

And that black gook on your
eyes is an embarrassing mess.

Oh, yeah? Well, it's better
than having a big zit on your lip.

Check, please.

And don't forget to leave
the waiter some Kleenex.

( dramatic theme playing )

What happened?

He hates me.

( melancholy theme playing )

( sobbing )

( mellow theme playing )

I'm sorry I'm so late.

It's the only time
I can get free.

Well, that's okay.

I just want you to realize

that I don't usually
go to a guy's cabin

at 2:00 in the morning.

Not on the first date.

I know.

But Julie, when else are we
gonna find time to be alone,

and a place to
be alone? ( sighs )

I wanna hold you in
my arms and kiss you.

MAN: Deal the cards, Mama.

Why in my cabin?

Well, we... We were
gonna play at Harry's,

but you know how it is.

Harry is... entertaining.

( all laughing )

Come on, Jim,
laddie, take a hand.

Well, ante up.

Well, you know what they say:

Lucky in cards... (
playful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

I gotta tell you, I never
thought this cruise

would last three hours,
let alone three days.

I guess Barney's a nicer person
than I remembered, I guess.

Terry, darling, come on.

We're meeting Judy and
Barney in the bar in five minutes.

I'll be right there.
I just, uh... Ha-ha.

I can't put this book down.

What are you reading?

Oh, you know,
that new bestseller,

Executive Trash.

I thought you'd finished that.

I did. Now I'm going
back to read the parts

that have the story.

Darling, please,
come on. We're late.

You go ahead. I'll
just be a minute.

There are only
about 11 clean pages.

( mellow theme playing )

Ah. This is incredible.

Um, I'll have a whiskey sour.

Fine. And you, sir?

Uh, yeah. Whiskey sour.

Fine. And you, sir?

That sounds good. Whiskey sour.

I'd better write that
down, so I don't forget it.

( light laughter )

Where's Terry?

Terry is always late.

You gotta light a stick
of dynamite under her

to get her moving.

JULIE (over PA ): Good
afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Just a reminder: jackpot bingo

will begin in the Acapulco
Lounge in ten minutes.

The pot is now $1,000.

( inhales ) Come on, let's go.

( rubs hands
together ) I feel lucky.

Besides I could use
a thousand dollars.

( scoffs )

I hate to tell you this, Judy,

but, uh, I'm feeling
very lucky too.

And I am probably
the best bingo player

of all the left-handed
marriage counselors I know.

Uh... now, who gets
the whiskey sour?

Don't tell me, don't tell me.

How about you?
Wanna play a little bingo?

No.

My doctor warned me
against skydiving and bingo.

Too much excitement.

Uh, where is Terry?

Did she go back to
Chicago for her dress?

Listen, why don't
you two go play bingo,

and I'll wait for Terry, and
you can meet us here later.

Thanks, pal. If you're looking
for us, we'll be easy to spot.

We'll be the couple
with all the money.

( chuckles ) Oh, yeah.

Bye, Barney. Bye, honey.

( knock on door ) Who is it?

BARNEY: Peter Rabbit.

( laughs ): Come in, Barney.

( sighs ) You haven't changed.

Right on time.
Thirty minutes late.

I'm sorry. ( scoffs )

I don't know, sometimes I think

my head's in a
different time zone

from the rest of the world.

( mellow theme playing )

Well, it was worth the wait.

You look terrific.

You always had great taste.

Eh.

Is that the same jacket?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's
the one you gave me.

Our fifth Christmas together.

And I still love it.

I still hate it.

Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.

Why'd you give it to me?

I don't know. It looked
good on the dummy.

( laughs )

Thought it looked good on
me. Oh, come on now, Barney.

You're no dummy.

As a matter of fact,
you're a terrific guy.

Wanna go?

Yes. Uh... Oh, could you just,
heh, help me with my zipper?

Sure.

You're wearing
Shalimar, aren't you?

Yes. ( chuckles )

You were wearing that the
night I met you, remember?

Mm-hm. Shalimar, An Evening
in Paris and Chanel No. 5.

I worked in a drugstore.

You always had the softest hair.

Barney, I... I think
that, uh, we'd better...

Better what?

Go.

Oh, yeah.

( romantic theme playing )

Now, is your Mr. Wright
gonna stand you up again?

No.

Today, Mr. Wright
is right on time.

Hi, Julie. Hi, Jim.

I'm beat.

I'm sorry I couldn't
make it yesterday,

but those old folks
ran me ragged.

I don't know where
they get the energy.

It seems that the sea air
does wonders for them.

( chuckles )

I think one of those iced
teas would do wonders for me.

Coming up. Thanks.

Seeing you does
wonders for me too.

Ooh. If you're trying to

sweep me off my
feet, it's working.

Mm. I mean it.

All day long I've been
thinking about being with you.

Just sharing a quiet
moment, just the two of us.

( bagpipes, whistles playing )

You're about to hear...

a word that you've never
heard any Scotsman say before.

Give me an Irish whiskey.

No.

( Scottish accent ):
The drinks are on me.

( laughter )

( playful theme playing )

Clyde.

I want to talk with you.

You're acting
like a 12 year old.

Well, I can wait here
as long as you can.

( gasps )

Okay. Nobody talk but me.

Kelly Rixie...

this simple-minded boy has
turned into lousy company.

And I hear from little
birds here and there

that you're not
any prize either.

Now, you two dingbats

go back to being
friends like civilized folks,

or else... ( gasps )

Hey!

I haven't finished my soup!

( playful theme playing )

Did they ever find
out, uh... who...

in that girl's galoshes?

No.

Think about it for a minute.

What motive could someone
have to do a thing like that?

Revenge, right?

Wrong.

Lucille Rumbo was a
perfectly harmless girl.

She couldn't even hurt a flea.

Aha. There's your
answer, Watson.

Who logically would get revenge

on someone who
couldn't hurt a flea?

Lucille Dumbo's own dog.

Holmes, I think you've got it.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Elementary.

I didn't plan on this.

( scoffs )

Neither did I.

I don't know what came over me.

Put my arms around you, and...

it was like we
were still married.

Yeah.

You think we made a mistake?

Uh, yeah, we made
a hell of a mistake.

I'm not married to
you anymore. No.

I mean, do you think we
were wrong about splitting up?

Come on, we had a lot
going for us. Why...? ( gasps )

Why did we rush
blindly into divorce?

Oh... Barney, we split
and reconciled three times.

That's hardly rushing blindly.

Life was not a poem, Barn.

Wasn't this poetry, huh?

Oh, sex isn't everything.

Well, it sure beats
whatever's in second place.

What about sharing?

What about respect for
the other person's feelings?

What about unselfish devotion?

I'd rate them about
27, 28 and 29.

I just figured something out.

The reason I've been so
angry with you since our divorce

is because I still felt
something for you.

I didn't understand why
we couldn't work it out,

and now I understand.

What I felt for you was
just some leftover passion.

What I have with Ron
is much more than that.

How's he in the
poetry department?

You'll never change.

Some people don't
want me to change.

Well, some people don't
know you as well as I do.

Judy happens to think I'm
the living end. How about that?

Oh, well, so did I the first
week we were married.

Ye... Come on. One
week out of ten years?!

Well, there might have been
some other odd moments.

Thank you very much.
That does a lot for my ego.

Barney, you are what you are.

What's that?

A very selfish guy whose
only concern is himself.

What do you think you are?

St. Francis of Assisi?

Oh, my God.

We've been here
for over an hour.

Come on, hurry up,
get dressed. Yes.

I mean now. Don't do
your slow-motion act.

Don't boss me,
I'm not your wife!

Well, that's the
luckiest break of my life.

You're lucky? I feel like I
won the Irish sweepstakes.

( sighs )

( melancholy theme playing )

( sighs )

It's a shame, isn't it?

What?

What we've got that's
good is very good, and...

Tsk. What we've got
that's bad is really rotten.

Yeah.

Tsk.

Nobody said we were perfect.

You're certainly not.

( laughs )

( chuckles )

You know, I really like you.

( laughs )

I just can't stand you.

I think I hate you too.

( laughs )

What you have to remember

is that hairless
dalmatians don't get fleas.

You mean... Ha-ha! Yes,
Watson. Stop giggling.

Lucille Dumbo has fleas.

And you made the whole thing up

so I wouldn't hate you anymore.

♪ Sha-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na ♪

♪ Shaboom ♪

( mellow theme playing )

GRAHAM: I wish this cruise
wasn't going to end tomorrow.

KELLY: Yeah.

We got off to a
great start, huh?

GRAHAM: We were both nervous.

Speak for yourself.

Who gave the waiter a
piece of Kleenex, huh?

( laughs )

You know what I think?

What?

I think I, uh... Yeah?

Did you ever kiss
anybody before?

Have you?

No.

( upbeat theme playing )

( funk music playing )

( inaudible dialogue )

Sit down on the couch.

( sighs )

Hey. Dinner was great.

I haven't eaten
alone since yesterday.

I'm sorry, Julie. Really am.

But the gang got me involved in a
marathon Ping-Pong tournament.

Oh? How'd you do?

How else? I lost. Mm.

Ten games, 6 pounds. Ooh.

Am I losing you too?

No.

Come on, Jimmy
boy, let's boogie.

A-after the dance.

You won't live that long.

( romantic theme playing )

( knock on door )

JIM: It's me, Jim.

Just a second.

You look terrible.

I don't feel terrible.

I feel miserable.

( sighs )

Aw, come cheer me up.

Let me fix you a
drink first, okay?

Mm. Good. Good.

Would you believe that they
are still down there dancing...

and the band left an hour ago.

You know, I was about to
give up on this whole thing.

( putting ice in glasses )

But then I realized that...

business comes first.

I just thank goodness

we've finally got a
moment to ourselves.

You know, it's our last night,
and we only got in one kiss.

I'm eligible for the
Doris Day award.

There's so many things
I don't know about you,

like what schools you went
to, what kind of sports you like.

Jim?

( snoring )

Jim?

( sighs ) You look
very nice tonight.

Thank you.

Cheers.

STUBING ( over PA ): The Princess will
be arriving in Los Angeles in 30 minutes.

I didn't wear half these things.

You should've
remembered the old rule:

You bring half as many clothes
and twice as much money.

( chuckles )

Ron, can I tell you
something? Mm-hm.

I think you're a
very intelligent man.

If I were that smart I would
have brought half the clothes.

I mean it.

( melancholy theme playing )

Remember when you told me
that I should confront Barney...

and get whatever feelings I
had for him out in the open?

Resolve the situation?

Um, yeah.

( sighs )

Well...

( sighs )

( voice breaking ): Well, uh...

I love you very much.

That's all you have to say.

( upbeat theme playing )

I wanna talk to you.

I wanna talk to you too.

Yesterday was the
greatest day of my life.

Mine too.

We have to see each other
when we get back, okay?

Yeah.

Well, goodbye, Kelly.

Goodbye.

I love you.

What?

I love you.

Oh.

Well, aren't you
gonna say it back?

Um...

( as The Claw ): Ze Claw. We
apologize to the charming lady,

but there is no time to waste.

We must stop the
plot against the king.

KITTY: Come on, Graham!

It's time to get ready.

( mellow theme playing )

( normal voice ): Goodbye.

( seagulls cawing )

Boys.

( sighs )

In about 30 minutes...

this cruise is gonna be over.

How would you describe
this whirlwind romance? Hm.

Kind of like ships
that pass in the night.

More like ships that
pass out in the night.

( both laugh )

I promise you, when
I see you in L.A.,

that I'll stay awake
for the entire date.

We still have those 30 minutes.

( man coughs )

You wanna bet?

Uh... W-we... We've
come to tell you something.

We, uh... Go ahead, t-tell him.

Me? Me? Oh, uh, well,
uh, my sister and I...

All right, I'll tell him.

We came to say we're sorry.

We know if we hadn't
monopolized Jimmy boy,

you and he would have,
as they say in our day...

No, we never
said that in our day.

( laughs ) You don't have
to apologize, Miss Svenson.

Oh, I'm not. I'm explaining.

You see, at the Golden
Ages Home where we live...

Oh, it's nice, but..

It's dull.

So once a year we go
away and raise Cain.

I-if we did it twice a year,

they'd take away the
warranty on my pacemaker.

( all laughing )

So we were selfish.

Our fun got in the way of yours.

We're sorry, but
we're realistic.

You've got more time than we do.

Oh. Don't say that.

We don't want you
to feel sorry for us.

We just want you to understand.

We understand. Believe me.

( uplifting theme playing )

JIM: Well...

I, um...

better get the group
ready to go ashore.

I'll be in touch.

Yeah.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, Kelly, how'd
everything work out?

Well...

I guess he's just
one of those guys

you never quite figure out.

GRAHAM: Kelly! Hey, Kelly!

That thing you said you do.

Well, I do too. I really do.

What's he mean by that?

( Claw voice ): The girlfriend of The
Claw will never tell you that information.

She will die first.

( both grunting, growling )

( laughs )

Judy, it was really
nice meeting you.

But we should have
won that bingo game.

Yeah. I think that
little old lady rigged it.

Ah.

Hey, Ron, I gotta tell you
something. You're not a bad guy.

I mean, you're a lousy
marriage counselor,

but you're not a
bad guy. Thanks.

Let's hope Judy and I never
have to do business with you.

Are you getting married?

Yeah, I need a tax break.

( laughs )

I love her.

TERRY: Congratulations. Thanks.

And good luck. JUDY: Thank you.

Uh, we ought to get
going. Yes, we should.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )