The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 24 - The Business of Love/Crash Diet Crush/I'll Never Fall in Love Again - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs )

Dolly, you're an
absolute sweetheart.

Thanks again for the oranges.



You sure I can't talk
you out of this trip, Jill?

You can keep the oranges.

No way. Too bad.

My rich Texan's in town,

with his friend from Iran.

Some oil sheik, and
he is loaded. ( sighs )

Dolly, I'm through
with that life.

Listen, the only one that ever
quit was Xaviera Hollander,

and she wrote a book
about it and made a fortune.

And that's why she's
The Happy Hooker.

But, uh, I'm not happy at it.

What are you gonna do

when little Ricky needs
braces on his teeth, Jill?

Little Ricky is 14.

He's through with braces.

Besides, I've saved some money,

and I've got a good
straight job waiting for me.

I'll do okay.

What a waste.

You could make a
fortune working this ship.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you too.

( upbeat theme playing )

( clears throat )

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

You're Mrs. Warren F. Schnabel

from Aurora, South Dakota.

What? Mm, no.

No. Uh... one more chance.

Ah... obviously.

Rabbi Max Kantor,
Cooksville, Oklahoma.

Roberta Roberts.

Gee, that's funny.
You don't look it.

( chuckles )

I'm, uh, Yeoman Purser
Burl Smith at your service.

And, uh, if you're
traveling alone,

uh, how about dinner tonight?

Thank you, but sometime later.

Okay. I want you to know though

that you're turning
down a big shot.

Not that many girls get to dine

with practically an admiral.

Well, practically a lieutenant.

Excuse me.

( whimsical theme playing )

Hey. Nice, huh?

Hey, Moe? What?

Do boats like this ever sink?

Ha-ha. Only once,
baby. Only once.

( both laugh )

Ah. Moe, you gotta
stop being so funny.

I think he just did.

Oh, you're a real
dreamboat, doll.

Good sense of humor too. Yeah.

What's your name?

Julie McCoy, cruise director.

And you're the Prices.

The Prices, right.

You get it?

The Price is Right?

( laughs )

That's my best joke.

Oh?

Aren't you glad you asked?

Uh-huh.

Jordan.

Jordan, Nathaniel.

Uh, they call me Nate.

Well, beats calling you Fred.

That's, uh, a little joke.

Oh, I'm sorry. I guess
my mind wandered.

Well, I hope it wandered
down to Fiesta Deck.

It's through those
doors, down the stairs.

Thank you.

Mrs. Jordan traveling with you?

Uh... no, I'm, uh,
no longer married.

Uh, I mean, uh, I'm a widower.

Oh, I'm sorry.

( upbeat theme playing )

Now, there's someone I'd
like to say welcome aboard to.

I see what you mean.

( sighs )

Wait a minute.

I think I know her.

Jocelyn?

Jocelyn Hyett?

Merrill. Merrill Stubing.

Merrill Stubing?

Well, it's Captain
Merrill Stubing.

And I'd like to have you meet
our ship's doctor, Adam Bricker.

Uh, Jocelyn Hyett.

How do you do?

How are you? Uh,
well, it was Hyett,

but now it's Matthews.

Tsk. Right. ( snaps )

Uh, so how is Mighty
Mike Matthews?

Better ask the new Mrs.
Mighty Mike Matthews.

Oh... I'm sorry.

I'm not.

Merrill. I still can't
believe it's you.

Well, it's been a long time

since high school. Heh.

You're still the most beautiful
cheerleader on the team.

Jocelyn, you
haven't changed a bit.

Thank you.

Merrill, you've changed.

It's probably the uniform.

I mean, in these clothes,

would you believe I'm a doctor?

Well, you're certainly
not a fashion designer.

( both laughing )

No, it's not the uniform,
Merrill. It's, um...

Well, whatever happened
to String Bean Stubing,

the pride of the track team?

Well, a man broadens a little

as he reaches his prime.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I think you look great.

You should see some of the
other guys from the old days.

Last year I bumped
into Randy DeNova.

Shoulders?

DeNova, with the,
uh, blond, wavy hair?

Stoop Shoulders DeNova
and bald as a billiard ball.

Um, ahem. Well, please
uh, excuse me, I, uh...

I've got some ship's
business to attend to.

And I ought to get checked in.

Nice meeting you, Doc.

Pleasure.

See you later, Merrill.

Right.

Well, look on the bright side.

At least she didn't call you
Stoop Shoulders Stubing.

Mm.

( playful theme playing )

Tsk.

Mr. and Mrs. Foster. Hm.

Promenade Deck, 348.

That's up the stairs
and through the door.

Thanks. Thank you.

Ray, be careful
of my makeup kit.

This is your makeup kit?

I would've thought for sure
this was your makeup kit.

Don't strain yourself.

This is supposed
to be a romantic trip.

I don't wanna hear any
excuses about a bad back.

I could be in traction

and still be romantic
enough for you.

Love, thy magic
spell is everywhere.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right. I
like orange juice.

Who saw you off, Anita Bryant?

I'm Bill Wainwright.

In case you wanna press charges.

Jill Williams. And I'll
speak to my lawyer about it.

Here, let me give you a hand.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I'll be.

Jill.

What?

Oh. Oh, nothing.

You know, honey. This might
be a very romantic cruise...

after all.

( horn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( people cheering, yelling )

See ya!

Bye-bye!

( crowd cheering )

( sentimental theme playing )

( crowd chattering )

Here you go. Thank you.

Sure.

Ooh! I'm sorry. Oh!

( chuckles ) Oh, no. Not again.

I bet you didn't recognize
me without my oranges.

With 600 people aboard,

you'd think I'd start
picking on someone else.

Well, nice bumping into you.

You too.

Uh, are you, uh...

You sitting with anybody?

You wanna join me?

Yeah. And if I spill you
can send me to my room.

Hey, honey, great
news. Listen to this.

It's 17 degrees back
home, 2 feet of snow,

and a wind chill
factor, minus 12.

You know something?

I'm not a bit homesick.

( both laughing )

Oh, you crazy old sun.

Beat down and bronze
this beautiful body.

Oh, Moe.

Would you like something, sir?

Yeah. What's
that, uh, pink drink

with the fruit and
the, um... ( snaps )

Um, uh, uh, planter's punch.

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

I don't get many calls for that.

I hope I remember
how to make one.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, can I get you something?

Yeah. I'd like that drink.

Can't think of the name
of it, but it's made with rum

and fruit juices and grenadine.

Planter's punch?

That's it.

Okay.

Must be some kind of test.

You are a very good player. Hm.

Takes one to know one.

You're just lucky we're only
playing for a nickel a point.

Yeah? Well, I think
you hustled me.

Hustled?

I'm kidding.

Ah...

( exhaling heavily )

Oh.

( knock on door )

( exhales )

Oh, Doc. Hello, captain.

Yeah. Thanks for coming.

Are you all right, sir?

You seem a tad overheated.

Yeah, well, I, uh, just
took a hot tub. Uh...

Take my mind off things.

If you mean things like Jocelyn,

I'd suggest a cold shower.

She's stunning, isn't she?

Oh, oh. Irresistible.

She's mine.

Aye, aye, sir.

Well, uh, what... What did
you wanna see me about?

Oh... uh, it's my body.

I've gotta do
something about it.

Well, sir, uh, speaking
as a medical man,

we'd appreciate it if you
didn't leave it to science.

( scoffs )

Now, look, Doc,

if I'm gonna stand a
chance for Jocelyn,

I've gotta get back into shape.

And fast. Now what should I do?

Uh, fast.

Yes, really fast.

That's what I said. Fast.

Huh?

A fast.

Oh.

A fast is fast.

That's it. That's it.

I won't eat anything
for the rest of this cruise.

Not a bite.

Uh, captain, as your physician,

I can hardly recommend that.

It's not the healthiest
way to lose weight.

Then I'll hold you responsible.

If I get sick,
you're in trouble.

( knock on door )

Hi, captain. It's tea time.

Thanks, Isaac.

And I brought your
favorite: jelly doughnuts.

Yeah.

Ahem.

Carry on.

Doc?

Well, uh, don't mind if I do.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh.

You know it's almost 4:00?

You've been in that
pool all afternoon.

My son's on the swimming team.

He helps keep me in shape.

Well, he's doing
a wonderful job.

Yeah. Hey, you'd
better be careful.

You're getting too much sun.

Does this hurt? Uh-uh.

But you can keep trying.

Oh.

Can I help you, sir?

No. Just casing the joint.

Hey, uh, that gal over there.

Do you happen to
know if she's, uh,

traveling with that fella?

( both laughing )

I don't think so.

I think she just met him here.

Good. That's good.

How about some dinner?

I'd love to.

Hey, great.

And maybe tonight
we can find something

I do better than you do.

( chuckles )

I'm sorry. That's
not what I mean.

I mean, what I meant to say is,

I bet you tonight I
eat more than you do.

That's another bet
you're gonna lose.

( upbeat theme playing )

( piano music playing,
people chattering )

Good evening, everybody.

Merrill.

I'm delighted you're all here.

I'm doubly
delighted you're here.

( clears throat )

( clears throat loudly )

Mr. Smith, are you in need
of some cough medicine,

or are you about
to make a speech?

Your hat, sir.

What's wrong with it?

You're wearing it.

I know.

It's a chilly night out.

But not in.

( chuckles )

STUBING: Excuse me.

Thank you, Mr. Smith.

Thanks a lot.

Merrill, you're...

I know. Just like Randy DeNova.

Bald as a billiard ball.

I'm sorry.

I have a genius for
saying the wrong thing.

Believe me, on
you it looks good.

That's the trouble.

It's not on me, it's off me.

No, no, I mean it.

You know, there are
a lot of famous people

that don't have any hair.

Yul Brynner, uh,
Telly Savalas...

Humpty Dumpty.

( snorts )

Like I said, a genius for
saying the wrong thing.

( clears throat )

Another speech, Mr. Smith?

Your pâté, sir. Hm?

Everybody's waiting
for you to start.

Oh. Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Don't wait for me.

Merrill, aren't you
going to eat your pâté?

No. I had a big lunch.

Oh.

Oh. Thank you, sir.

Unexpected pleasure.

Well, Dottie here just came off
that banana and coconut diet.

You see, it didn't
take off any weight,

but boy, can she
climb trees. ( laughs )

Moe, that's awful.
That's just awful.

Isn't that awful?

Just awful.

Oh, I'm sorry, I
didn't mean that.

I mean, th-that's a funny story.

Yeah, so how come
you're laughing so loud?

Afraid of disturbing the
peace, or something?

Excuse me.

I think this is my seat.

I like the one you came in with.

I thought it was cuter.

How do you do?

I'm Nate Jordan.

And, uh... I'm sorry.

Well, we're not.
We're the Prices.

Yeah. I'm Dottie. That's Moe.

How do you do. I'm Roberta.

Roberta Roberts.

Did we, uh, tell you
we're in the ice business?

We're in the ice business. Yeah.

You know how it is
in the ice business.

Uh, busy?

No.

Co-o-old. Co-o-old.

DOTTIE: Boy, I tell you, the things
that happen in the ice business.

Somebody should
write a TV story about it.

Uh, what, uh...
What do you two do?

Well, I'm a stockbroker.

I'm an economist.

Yeah, it's all right, but
it's not the ice business.

( upbeat theme playing )

Put your eyes back
in your head, darling.

You've been staring
at that girl all night.

I can't help it.

She reminds me so
much of you, my dearest.

Sweetheart, the only thing
she and I have in common

is pierced ears.

Mr. Jordan.

Miss Roberts.

Mind if I join you?

Only if you drop the
mister and call me Nate.

And Roberta.

Good evening, folks.

Hey. Evening, Isaac.

What will you have?

I don't know.

How about my house special,

a Wilt Chamberlainsky cocktail.

A what? What is it?

A large Black Russian.

( chuckles )

I'm game if you are.

You heard the lady, Isaac.

One large Black Russian.

Right.

Hey. Come on, you
two. Shake a leg.

Yeah, come on,
get off your duff.

How about a little
hustle? ( snaps )

Well, I don't dance much.

Me neither.

And if you two don't
mind a few words

from a well-meaning stranger,

this is supposed
to be a fun ship.

So far, you two:

Well, come on, we'll show 'em.

Yeah. Watch us. Watch us.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm not in a very
festive mood this evening.

I know how you feel.

Merrill? Mm-hm?

Why don't you order a
sandwich or something?

You haven't eaten at all.

Yeah, well. I... I'm not hungry.

I... I think I'm
falling in love.

( giggles ) Merrill...
You look beautiful.

And I don't know how you manage

to keep up your
incredible figure.

Thank you. I jog every morning.

You do? Mm-hm.

So do I.

Why don't we do it together?

No, I don't know if I
could keep up with you.

I only run three miles.

Oh.

Is that all? Yeah.

When I get tired I'll quit,
and you can keep jogging.

( chuckles )

I haven't danced
that much in years.

I haven't danced that
much in my whole life.

( laughs ): I thought that
you confirmed bachelors

were always out
having a good time.

No, not this one.

I've been out chasing
the American dream:

money.

And it's strange, now
that I have money,

I think it cost me
dearly in other ways.

Mm, it's never
too late to change.

You really believe that?

I have to.

Here we are.

Good night, Bill.

Good night.

You know, I wish
we could have...

a lifetime of todays.

No one's ever said anything
nicer to me than that.

Good night.

( sentimental theme playing )

Uh... breakfast?

Yeah. Okay.

Phew.

Hey, that was a great
orchestra, wasn't it, Myrna?

MYRNA: Yeah, terrific.

Boy, I still got it.

( chuckles )

They didn't call
me the Gene Kelly

of DeWitt Clinton
High for nothing.

You know, a
great idea, this trip.

Couples gotta get
away once in a while

to kind of rekindle

the old fire, you know. Get
those juices flowing again.

( yawns )

Nice going, Myrna.

What did I do?

You just took all those juices

and dumped 'em
right in the ocean.

Will you look at yourself?

Why don't you go all the way?

Why don't you put on a
parka and some mukluks?

( whimsical theme playing )

I want to apologize
for not being

the most exciting girl on board.

Oh, you don't have to apologize.

Some friends of mine gave
me this trip as a present.

I didn't wanna come.

I've had a pretty awful year.

Correction: a really awful year.

Well, there seems to be
a... An epidemic of that lately.

They thought it
would be great for me

to get away and have fun.

So here I am, having fun.

Yeah. Well, it's not...

Not easy, uh, having fun, is it?

No. No, not lately.

( sighs )

I've never traveled alone.

I've been married for as
long as I can remember.

Oh. Wife problems?

Uh, no. No. N-n... Not that way.

She died.

I'm sorry.

Uh, they say life goes on.

Yeah, that's what they say.

Sometimes I wish it didn't.

Oh, come on.

One wet blanket
onboard's enough.

No, you don't understand.

I also lost somebody.

Lost. What a silly word.

It makes it sound like
you could find 'em again.

It took me all my
life to find Bob.

I can hardly say that
name without, um...

I know.

And then, "The government
of the United States

regrets to inform you..."

He was a lieutenant
in the Air Force

on a training flight.

I'm sorry.

Oh. So am I.

We were gonna be
married and... Ah, hell.

Well, maybe it's, uh...

Maybe it's helping
us both to talk about it.

Do you really think so?

( sighs ) Neither do I.

And now that I've thoroughly
depressed both of us,

I think I'll say good night.

No.

You're not gonna get
credit for all the depression.

Good night, Roberta.

Good night, Nate.

Big deal. So I'm wearing
a flannel nightgown.

I wear it because I get cold.

Yeah, and because
you wear it, I get cold.

Well, for your information,
you know who else

wears a flannel
nightgown? No. Who?

Raquel Welch.

Right.

I always get you two mixed up.

Where are you going?
I'm going to get a drink.

The bars are closed by now.

Swell.

I'll be first in
line for tomorrow.

( playful theme playing )

( door closes )

( sighs )

( knock on door )

Just a second.

Oh, hi, there.

Ray. What are you doing here?

I'm here with my wife.

Oh. That's nice.

Gee, this couldn't have
worked out better if I planned it.

How about you?
Business trip or pleasure?

Although your
business is my pleasure.

( laughs )

Would you mind leaving, Ray?

Come on, we're old friends.

I've given up the business.

Oh, yeah? How about that
guy I saw you all afternoon with?

What is he, some
long-lost cousin?

He... He's just a nice guy.

Oh, well, I'm a nice guy too.

Only I'm a nice guy
with a hundred-dollar bill.

Goodbye, Ray.

Oh, come on, kid.

You play your cards right,
you'll have enough money

to pay off this trip
for the whole cruise.

The answer is no.
Now, just get out!

You wouldn't want
that nice guy to find out

what you do for a
living, would you?

I told you, I am
through with that now.

Just get out!

Are you kidding?
You'll never change.

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, only one more lap.

Merrill?

Merrill, where are you?

( playful theme playing )

Well, what she said
after he was... Kinda.

Well, hm.

Who's that?

I don't know.

But it reminds me
of that baby whale

I saw at Marineland last year.

( groans )

( gasps )

( groans )

( upbeat theme playing )

You mean the captain
disappeared while you were jogging?

Yep. I've heard of
playing hard to get,

but never hard to find.

Heh.

Jocelyn. Hi.

Hey, I'm sorry
about this morning.

I, uh, had to rush up to
the Bridge. It was urgent.

I'll forgive you
this time, Merrill.

Come join us.
We're off to breakfast.

Breakfast? You bet.

I can just taste
the cheese omelet,

blueberry muffins,
hash brown potatoes,

maybe some orange marmalade.

Mm!

Uh... Uh, what are
you gonna have?

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing?

Well, just a small stack
of wheat cakes and...

maybe a little butter.

No, just a cup of black coffee.

Merrill?

Oh, nothing. No.

Uh, you run along without me.

Uh, I've gotta prepare for
this afternoon's crew meeting.

See you later.

If I can find you. ( chuckles )

( playful theme playing )

Hey, look what we
found drifting by, Nat.

Uh, that's Nate.

Morning. Good morning.

Can you imagine Bobbi here

wasn't gonna have any breakfast?

Yeah. We practically had to

drag her out of her cabin.

Breakfast? Um...
( clears throat )

Roberta, have you forgotten
about our shuffleboard game?

No.

I mean, yes. I had forgotten.

I had forgotten
until this second.

You see, we're
due there right now.

We're gonna lose our turn.

At 8:48 in the morning?

Exactly.

See, the... They book teams
at, uh, 48-minute intervals.

I'm sorry, Moe,
Dottie. I've gotta run.

If we don't get there on time,
the other teams get backed up

and have only 46
minutes to play.

Swedish rules.

Swedish rules?

Oh, well, yeah.

That's the way, uh, they...
They play those tournaments.

Thanks for saving my day.

Well, you looked like you
needed a little bailing out.

I'm afraid I don't
play shuffleboard.

Well, neither do I.

Oh, well, uh, I guess I'll...

I'll go and get another book.

Agatha Christie?

Yeah, yeah. You read her too?

Uh-huh. Oh.

Passenger To Frankfurt.
If you want it, it's yours.

Oh, thanks.

I'll return it when
I'm finished.

Sure.

Well... have a nice day.

You too.

( light theme playing )

Myrna? Ha-ha!

You gotta put on your
flannel bathing suit.

Boy, that pool is sensational.

Hey, Myrna, what are you doing?

The purser found a
vacant cabin. I'm moving.

Well, what's wrong
with this cabin?

You're in it.

Oh, come on, seriously.

Seriously.

Oh, Myrna, don't be silly.

No, Ray. No.

I'm sick of the bickering,
the arguing, the fighting.

Two minutes after
we're in a room,

you could suffocate
from the hostility.

Well, we haven't died from it.

No. We're not
really living either.

Well, look, what's
this all about?

Tsk. I don't believe you.

Our marriage is
nothing but a vacuum.

You don't need me.

Except maybe for
someone to put down.

You take me for granted.

Good old Myrna's always
there to cook or clean,

or... warm your bed on
a cold winter's night. Nah.

Come on, Myrna, let's
go have a drink, huh?

You're not yourself.

This is myself.

No, no, you're not
acting like my Myrna.

Because I'm not your
Myrna. I'm my Myrna.

And until you realize that,
our marriage isn't worth...

spit.

Well, what do you want,
Myrna? What do you want?

A divorce, Ray.

A divorce?

Yes. That's what I want.

A divorce? You must be crazy.

Oh, no. No, I'm not.

Okay. All right.

But don't come
crawling back to me,

'cause I won't take you.

You'll never change.

Oh.

( melancholy theme playing )

Slipshod and lackadaisical.

You're all goofing off.

Now, sir... You
too, Dr. Bricker.

Now, how many passengers

have you treated on this cruise?

None, sir. I'm happy to
report no one's been sick.

That's why you're
happy. It means less work.

And you, Mr. Washington?

Sir?

Do you know how many maraschino
cherries you use each cruise?

Maraschino cherries?

Yes.

Sir? Mm.

Can I change my
category to pop music?

I don't understand
why you're so upset.

We've all been
working very hard.

You have? Have you really?

Miss McCoy...

you are in charge of
games and activities.

Yet this morning, I
saw a dozen passengers

sleeping on lounge chairs.

Now, don't you wake them up

and ask them if they
wanna play a game?

( laughing ): "Wake them up
and ask them if they wanna..."

You should have done that.

Now... you had all
better get on the ball,

or the only way you'll get back
on this ship is to buy a ticket.

( whimsical theme playing )

This is my office. You get out.

( exhales ) Boy,
he's flipped out.

I've never seen him like that.

Oh, it's just that he hasn't
eaten in over 24 hours.

He thinks that if he
loses a couple of inches,

he'll be able to win back
his old high school flame.

Well, before he loses one
inch, we could lose four jobs.

Maybe.

Maybe?

Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe we'll all die of old age

while we wait for this idea.

I'll need tools. Needle, thread.

I get it. You're gonna sew
us a new captain, right?

( both laugh )

( clears throat )

Now, this is sort of devious.

As a matter of fact,
it's really kind of dirty.

No, it's more
downright deceitful.

So far, I love it.

Okay, here's what
we do. ( clears throat )

Go into the captain's cabin.

Somebody's gotta get in there...

( upbeat theme playing )

( exhales )

( sighs )

Fifteen pounds.

Fifteen pounds.
I lost 15 pounds.

( sighs )

String Bean Stubing,

you've come home at last.

( upbeat theme playing )

( slow jazz playing )

( both laughing )

Merrill, you're wonderful.

How can anyone
be so light on his feet

after eating such
an enormous dinner?

Enormous?

You had second
helpings of everything

and an entire strawberry
shortcake for dessert.

( chuckles ): Well, when
you're a string bean,

you could eat anything you want.

( both chuckle )

Ahoy, shipmates.

BRICKER: Hi, String Bean.

To our genius.

ALL: Hear, hear, hear.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

But really. It was
nothing, really.

What other mind could conceive
of rigging the captain's scale?

Or letting out his
pants. ( chuckles )

Well, all too true,

but I think just another
hour or two of adoration,

and then a simple monument.

( "The Way We
Were" playing softly )

"The Way We Were."

That was my
wife's favorite song.

Favorite movie too.

I, uh... think I need
some fresh air.

Me too. Mind if I come along?

Of course not.

Oh, Bill. This has
been wonderful.

It's even better
than that. ( chuckles )

We, um... We have to talk.

We will... later.

( upbeat theme playing )

Your wife must have
been a wonderful woman

for you to have
loved her so much.

Yeah. Jessie.

Yeah, she was...
She's one in a lifetime.

But somewhere, there's
someone who needs all that love

you still have to give.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have said that.

Oh, that's okay.

What about you? I mean,
you were never even married.

You've...

You got a whole
life to live yet.

It's so beautiful at night.

The sea... the
moon... the music.

Everything.

( clears throat )

I'm really glad you
took this cruise.

I... I think it's done
you a world of good.

Well, I think you're
going to be all right too.

Would you like to
go back and dance?

I think I'll just
say good night.

Good night, Roberta.

I wanna thank you for, uh,

helping me through...
a difficult moment.

No. Thank you.

Good night, Nate.

( piano music continuing )

Drink?

Jill?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You've been like this all day.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

( sighs )

Just being with
me is a big help.

Hi, Jill.

Hello, Ray.

Uh, Bill, this is Ray Foster.

Bill Wainwright.

Hi. I didn't know Jill
had any friends aboard.

Oh, we know each
other from business.

We've had, uh, quite
a few deals together.

Ah. Sounds like
you go back a ways.

Oh. I know this little
girl a long, long time.

What business are you in?

Oh, uh, didn't Jill tell you?

No.

Oh, uh...

Uh, I'm in, uh, real estate.

And, uh, Jill has brought
me some prospects.

Turned out to be actual buyers.

Great.

Excuse me.

Uh, Mr. Wainwright,
there's a telephone call

for you from Los Angeles. Ah.

I told my secretary
not to call me

unless it was important.

Guess the coffee machine broke.

Excuse me.

( sighs )

Why didn't you tell him?

Oh, I don't know.

Look. I've loused
up my whole life.

Why... Why should
I louse up yours?

My wife, Myrna,
walked out on me.

Hey. I'm sorry, Ray.

Yeah, me too.

Funny, the last thing
she said to me was,

"Ray, you'll never change."

And it's funny,
that's the last thing

I said to you last night.

But she's wrong, Ray.

You can change if you
want to badly enough.

I do.

My life depends on it.

Yeah, I think mine does too.

You know me, I'm the
world's biggest talker.

But when it comes
right down to it...

Myrna's my whole life.

Then tell her, Ray.

Don't wait till it's too late.

You know something?
You are one hell of a lady.

And I do mean lady.

Good luck, Ray.

Thanks.

Uh, may I?

Heh. You know, it's funny.

I'm... I'm nervous
dancing with my own wife.

Ray...

Y... You know, uh, w...
When we get back home,

I could take an extra day off

and I could clean out
that downstairs closet.

The one I've always
been promising to.

Ray.

Or we could paste those
snapshots in the album.

You know, the ones
I... I never got around to.

( chuckles ): Oh, Ray.

Oh-ho, look, Myrna, I-I-I
know you want out, Myrna.

Look, I've made
a lot of mistakes,

but if I lose you,

it will be the biggest
mistake of my life.

Oh, Ray, I love you.

Where's your friend?

Dancing with his wife.

Ah. Is everything all right?

Yeah, this important
deal I was working on,

it, uh, came through.

Hey, that's wonderful.

Yeah, I guess.

Somehow it doesn't
seem very important now.

The only deal I'm
interested in is... you.

Bill, listen to me.

I wanna tell you
something about myself.

About my past.

I'm not interested in anything

that happened
before this cruise.

All I'm interested in is us.

From the time us met.

This isn't the most
romantic place

to tell you, but, uh...

I love you.

Oh. You just made it
the most romantic place.

JOCELYN: Gimme a Fee.

STUBING: Fee.

Give me a Foe. Foe.

BOTH: Gimme a Fee, Foe, Fie.

Because that's our battle cry.

The fee foe fighting
team of Fielding High.

Yay, team!

( both laughing )

Oh.

Uh.

Jocelyn, I...

I haven't felt like
this in a long time.

Me neither.

Jocelyn.

Merrill Stubing, are
you making a pass at me

after all these years?

Call me String Bean.

Oh.

Jocelyn.

I loved you when we were kids.

Now I still love you.

No, you had a
boyhood crush on me.

It's the sweetest
thing in the world,

but today, it's
still just a crush.

How can you be so sure?

Because back when
we were in high school...

I had a crush on you.

You did? Yeah.

You were so shy, I just thought
you weren't interested in me.

Funny.

I've still got that crush too.

Oh.

Well... we're not kids anymore.

Maybe that crush
can turn into a reality.

No, it isn't reality.

It's a fantasy.

A novel.

The Captain and The Cheerleader.

Does it have a happy ending?

I think so.

Even if we can't share
our realities forever...

we could just still share
our fantasy tonight.

Oh, Jocey.

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn honking )

Oh.

Moe, Dottie.

Two of my favorite friends.

Yeah, but remember, a
friend in need is a pest.

( chuckles )

Gee, I hope we didn't
bother you too much.

I mean, we like
to have a lot of fun,

and so we like to see
everybody else have a lot of fun.

But you didn't bother me.

You're wonderful,
and I'll never forget you.

Gee, I hope not.

And if you ever find yourself
in hot water, take a bath.

( laughing )

Funny. Funny.

Yeah, you like it?

Eh.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Goodbye. Bye, honey. Be well.

Bye-bye.

DOTTIE: Thank you. JULIE: Bye.

Thank you for the most
terrific vacation I've ever had.

Oh, gee, I'm glad
you enjoyed yourself.

You haven't seen
Mr. Jordan, have you?

JULIE: Uh, no.

Sorry. Have you tried his cabin?

I called but there
was no answer.

Well, maybe he's
still at breakfast.

I just came from there.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I mean, you know,
it... It's not important.

Thanks again. You bet.

Bye. Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, I hope you
enjoyed your cruise.

We did. We, uh...
We definitely did.

( both chuckle )

Here, Julie.

I hope this brings you
as much luck as it did me.

Oh, well, thanks.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye.

( woman laughs )

Hey, Julie, Gopher.

Listen, you know, I'll
never forget this trip.

I wanna thank you.

Well, it was our pleasure.

Please sail with us again.

In fact, are you busy next week?

Heh.

Listen, I, um, stopped
by Miss Roberts' cabin,

but she wasn't there.

She's left the ship, sir.

Oh.

JULIE: If there's a message

you'd like to get to her,

I could reach her
through a travel agent.

Yes.

Uh, no, uh... it wasn't
really important.

I, uh... I just wanted
to say goodbye.

Well, thanks for everything.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

( hopeful theme playing )

Hello.

Hello.

Would you like to share?

I'd like that very much.

Very much.

( upbeat theme playing )

( romantic theme playing )

( sighs )

You're sure you won't
change your mind about us?

I'll never change
my mind about us.

It was a beautiful us.

But now it's back
to you... and me.

Goodbye, captain.

Goodbye, cheerleader.

JULIE: Bye-bye.
( Gopher laughs )

Thank you. Bye-bye.

ISAAC: Bye.

Oh, goodbye. Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye.

( sighs )

Bye. Bye.

Bye-bye. Oh, sir.

Captain, here. Let me get...

( pants ripping )

I don't believe it.

I just put all that weight
back on after one meal?

Oh, bye. Bye.

( upbeat theme playing )