The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 20 - Memories of You/Computerman/Parlez Vous? - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING: Good afternoon.
Welcome aboard our Valentine's cruise.

Miss McCoy. Mr. Smith.

Captain Stubing.



Good afternoon, sir. You
seem very chipper this afternoon.

Well, I always enjoy our
Valentine's Day singles cruise.

Ah. Ah, yes.

It's nice to see singles
who want to be couples

instead of couples who want
to be single, for a change.

And I have the perfect
way to pair them off.

I've hired a matchmaker.

Well, how quaint.

Do we all sing "Hello, Dolly!"
when she comes aboard?

( chuckles )

No, sir. This is a computer.

The passengers fill out cards,

and then a man feeds
them into the computer,

and bingo: boy meets Valentine
cruise girl of his dreams.

Ingenious. I thought so.

Do you have a card for me?

Well, sir, it's just a
novelty icebreaker.

You certainly don't need
a computer to get a date.

Heh. Of course not.

I just think that a captain
should set an example.

You know, uh, get
into the swing of things.

Mm-hm. Yes, sir. I'll
put your name on the list.

Oh, that's Stubing.
S-T-U-B-I-N...

Mm. Right, sir. I
vaguely remember.

( chuckles )

Isn't this exciting? They've
got all kinds of activities.

Oh, yes, I see many activities
I could be interested in.

Oh, hello.

Are you the ship's photographer?

Oh, no, no. I'm here for
the same thing you are.

The activities? You got it.

Heh. Uh, I'm Betsy Carruthers.
Oh, Heather McKenzie.

Penny Jacobs. Hello.

Well, they've got lots
of interesting things

lined up for us, huh?

( indistinct chatter )

Ooh, they certainly have.

Oh, my dear, will
you look at that one?

Hey, Chet. What's goin' on?

How are you? Meet Sam.

Hey, Sam. SAM: Hi, how are you?

I see he brought his cameras.

Well, I just happen to
take a few pictures myself.

Ah, so then you're very
at home in the dark room.

( laughs ) Heh.

Uh, hi.

I'm Adam Bricker.
May I have this dance?

Heh. What dance?

Well, you know how
these single cruises are.

I just wanted to
get my bid in first.

I'm flattered, but the truth is,

I didn't know this
was a singles cruise.

I just came for the sea
air and a chance to relax.

At least, uh, can I
help you to your cabin?

Alex.

Adam. Adam Bricker.

Alex.

I'm sorry. You must
have the wrong person.

How about the 50-cent tour?

That man, he looks exactly
like someone I once knew.

Well, there's lots of
look-alikes in the world.

I've often been told I look
like, uh, Clint Eastwood.

Heh.

Burt Reynolds?

Woody Allen?

Oh.

( speaking indistinctly )

JULIE: Well, they
said that they'd switch,

so why don't you just
go ahead and do it?

( speaks in French ) I
think it would be fine, okay?

( speaking in French )

Uh, heh, I'm sorry,
my French is lousy.

Uh, j-just a minute please?

Excuse me, Gopher?

GOPHER: Mm?
Could you help, please?

Just a moment.

Uh, how's your French?
I beg your pardon?

( chuckles ) French.

Mm. Ah.

"We are Brigitte LaBlanc.
( speaks in French )

"And, uh, Yvonne
Boulanger. ( speaks in French )

"We do not speak English.
Would it be possible

to obtain a
French-speaking interpreter?"

Well, I'll just handle this.

I'm practically bilingual.

Really? Sure. Uh...
( speaks in French )

( both laugh )

What does that mean?

It means my aunt's
pen is on the dresser.

Oh, thanks. That's a
great conversation starter.

( clears throat )

( speaking in French )

To service, uh... (
speaks in French )

( both speaking in French )

What did they say?

I have no idea,

but it's gonna
be fun finding out.

( laughs )

Straight through.

Uh-huh.

JULIE: Excuse me.

Hello.

Hello, doll face.

Uh, the name's Julie McCoy.
You must be Nick Heider.

Mm-hm. How do you do?

And that must be our computer.

Uh, sir, that is no
mere computer.

With that computer, I've
paired off more couples

than Noah and his ark.

And who knows?
You might be next.

Hey. Heh.

Mr. Heider, I just
arrange these activities.

I don't participate in them.

Oh, sweetheart, trust me.

Your deepest romantic needs
will be fulfilled by this machine.

Matter of fact, you
might even become

computerman's valentine.

Mwah.

Oh.

Didn't I tell you you
were gonna meet him?

( clicks tongue ) ( chuckles )

Well, maybe he
thinks he's "him,"

but to me, he is ho-hum.

( foghorn blowing )

( all shouting )

( upbeat theme playing )

( inaudible dialogue )

( inaudible dialogue )

And here we are, ladies.

Voilà.

( speaks in French )

Oh, merci.

( speaks in French )

Merci beaucoup.

( chuckles ) (
speaks in French )

Um, yes, so, uh, bon voyage.

( playful theme playing )

Brigitte, uh... Oui?

Later?

Pardon?

( speaking in French )

Oui? Oui.

( speaks in French )

( chuckles ) moonlight?

GOPHER: Um... (
speaks in French )

( both chuckle )

Um, so hasta la vista.

Au revoir. ( sighs )

( speaks in French )

( both speaking in French )

GOPHER: Oui. Maybe tonight?

Yeah. ( speaks in French )

( all speaking in French )

( chuckles )

Merci.

( sighs )

Yvonne,

I don't know if I
can pull this off.

He's so cute, I almost
started speaking English.

Listen, Brigitte, we're
not going for cute.

We're after gorgeous.

Well, okay,

but do we have to
change nationalities?

American is ordinary.

There's a certain mystique

about French girls
that drives men crazy.

Believe me, I've
tried it and it works.

Well, I told you about Harry,

the stockbroker I met
on last year's cruise.

( sighs )

His name was Ben,

and it only lasted three weeks.

True.

( blows )

But diamonds are forever,

and that's what
speaking French gets you.

Yvonne, for a rock like
that, you'd speak Swahili.

True.

( mellow theme playing )

There you are. Mm-hm.

Thank you. There you are.

Now, just check off
the characteristics

that describe you best

and be careful not
to crumple the card.

Heh. Unless I want to end
up with someone who's folded,

bent, spindled and mutilated.

Okay.

Do you ever play
the computer game?

Oh, I don't think so.

Me neither. I don't need
a machine to get women.

I need a machine
to fight them off.

I believe you.

You do?

Did I ever tell you about this
swampland that I have for sale?

( chuckles )

( piano playing mellow music )

I get it.

You're trying to figure
out how to ask me

to have a mad,
passionate affair with you.

( laughs )

Well, I'm not always right.

Doc,

you see the guy in the
blue shirt over there?

Aren't they the same man?

Well, there's a
strong resemblance.

Good-looking guy.

Good-looking, bright, talented.

We were a team at an ad agency.

I wrote the lyrics,
Alex wrote the music.

You remember the
Cupid Cologne jingle?

♪ Maker her your own
With Cupid Cologne ♪

Sure.

We wrote that.

We made Cupid the best-selling
cologne in the country.

Millions bought it, thinking
they'd get instant sex appeal.

I know.

Smell me. ( laughs )

Doc, we were the
best. We had plans.

We were gonna be married.
Open our own agency.

Then one day, five years ago,

Alex disappeared.

I had police and
private detectives

on the case for months.

When they didn't
find him, I assumed...

The worst.

Yeah.

Doc, that's him.

I'd know him anywhere.

Alex.

Hm?

It's me. Lilly.

Well, it's nice to
meet you, Lilly,

but my name is
still Ted, Ted Wilcox.

You look exactly like someone.

Alex Fowler.

Well, Lilly, if he doesn't
show up, it's his loss.

As a matter of fact,
I hope he doesn't.

Then maybe we can
have dinner together.

Um, yes, I'd like that.

Okay. See you then.

Well, they say we all
have a twin somewhere.

That's him. That's Alex.

Come on. He said his name's Ted.

Doc, I loved that
man for four years.

My heart knows it's Alex.

Excuse me, is this
a 272 mini-scan?

Well, with some
modifications of my own.

Are you into computers?

Uh, I do geophysical research.

Uh, I use computers
to analyze old fossils.

Yeah, but how does it
work on young chicks?

Ah, all right. That's
what we're here for.

There you go. Thank you.

STUBING: Miss McCoy.

Uh, yes, sir?

Uh, would you describe me

as "commanding" or "officious"?

Um... Miss McCoy.

Uh, sir, you're neither.

You're, um, "statesmanlike."

Ah.

So are you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh.

"Statesmanlike."

Ah. Well, Mr. Heider,
are you just about ready?

It... It's Nick to you, Julie.

Let's just stick to
business, okay?

Anything you say, doll face.

Uh, may I have your
attention, please?

Would everyone just
gather around here.

We're about ready to roll.

JULIE: Over here, by
the computer. Come on.

NICK: Oh, thank
you, captain. Yeah.

Now, let's make
onesomes into twosomes,

singles into doubles,
shipmates into cabin-mates.

Good idea.

Let's have a happy
Valentine cruise.

Here we go.

The first couple is...

( keys clacking )

( beeping )

Heather McKenzie...

and...

Daryl Matson.

Hey, hey!

What science has
brought together,

let no man put asunder.

Hi, gorgeous.

Uh, excuse me, uh, one second.

Actually, you're supposed
to end up with me

because, uh, I lent her my card.

( chuckles )

NICK: The second couple is...

( keys clacking )

Betsy Carruthers...
( keys clacking )

and...

Chet Maxwell.

( crowd applauds )

He's the one I wanted.

Oh, lied again, huh?

No, I can't understand it.
This time I told the truth.

( speaking in French )

Huh?

Oh... Oh, a light. Yeah, sure.

Merci.

You're French, right?

( speaks in French )

( French accent ): I'm
crazy about French girls.

Yeah, crazy.

( laughs )

Penny Jacobs...

( sighs )

and...

Sam Worth.

Whoo!

Honey, this is your lucky day.

Ah, bonjour.

Uh, parlez-vous français?

YVONNE: Gopher.

Uh, excuse me.

Need help? Heh. I'm your homme.

( chuckles )

( speaking in French )

( speaks in French )

Uh, she wants to know
what Seymour's profession is.

Tell her what do
you do for a living.

I'm a commodity trader.
Pork bellies, mainly.

( speaks in French )

Tycoon.

Tycoon.

( speaks in French )

Uh, t-tell her, Yvonne,

that I own a yacht
that is almost this size.

( whistles, chuckles )

( speaks in French )

Oh, gee.

Yacht.

GOPHER: Oui. You're right.

And the French word
for yacht is... yacht.

( speaking in French )

Oh. Ooh, la, la.

( chuckles )

GOPHER: Yvonne? Yvonne?

( speaks in French )

You know your friend,
votre amie, Brigitte?

( chuckles )

( speaking in French )

Sure do. Yeah.

( speaks in French )

Hello, hello, hello.

Julie McCoy... Wait a minute.

And...

Nick Heider.

( crowd applauds )

Well, that about
wraps it up, gang.

That's why you're a terrific
cruise director, Miss McCoy.

You join in. I
did not join in, sir.

And I'd like to get my hands
on whoever filled out a card

with my name on it.

( sighs )

Uh, you forgot me.

Oh, Captain Stubing, I'm sorry.

Oh, I... I've got
your card right here.

( keys clacking )

( computer beeping
) Captain Stubing...

and... And... ( keys clacking )

( computer honks, whistles,
makes crashing noise )

Sorry, captain.

Oh.

Well, they said it
was lonely at the top,

but this is ridiculous.

( inaudible dialogue )

( upbeat theme playing )

Ah, Brigitte.

Oh, Gopher.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

I mean, uh... ( both
speak in French )

Gopher! GOPHER: Well...

Just the guy we need.

Ask Brigitte... Yeah?

If she'd like to have dinner
with my friend Walt here.

Uh, that's me.

Uh, Brigitte, um...

( speaks in French )

WALT: Yeah. ( speaks in French )

Y-yeah.

( speaks in French )

Good.

She says she's sorry,
but she's all booked up.

SEYMOUR: Pourquois
pas means that?

Well, French is a
very concise language.

She also said that your friend
has exceptionally large ears,

uh, feet like an elephant,

and a nose that
reminds her of a banana.

Uh, I-I don't take
very kindly to that.

Not very kindly.

No... Uh, no,
Walt... Walt... Wait!

So your feet look
like an elephant's,

but she was talking
about my nose!

Yvonne, your friend sure
has a way with words.

Ooh!

( speaking in French )

Must have been
something you said.

Brigitte.

Oui?

( speaking in French )

Pourquois pas.

Someday I'm gonna have
to find out what that means.

( upbeat theme playing )

Doc, it's weird.

He invited me to dinner,

but he still kept acting
as if he doesn't know me.

How about this? He doesn't
know you and he isn't Alex.

But he is. I'm positive.

He's wearing a ring I gave
him, the same as mine.

BRICKER: Coincidence.

Doc, these were handmade.

Alex and I designed them.

There aren't two other rings
like this in the whole world.

Well, what if he is your
Alex, only he doesn't know it?

Amnesia?

Could be.

Oh.

I asked him about his past,

and nothing matched.

He said he's spent his
entire life in California.

Hmm. I know that he grew up

in Connecticut and went to Yale.

Well, in certain amnesia
cases, people make up a past

and believe it to be true.

They'll take on a
whole new identity.

He was a hotshot
on Madison Avenue.

Now he's some
kind of guitar maker.

Hm. Is he happy?

I don't know.

How do I get him
back to reality?

Well, amnesia's nothing
to fool around with.

You need a specialist.

But while you're here, you
could try to gently remind him

of your life together.

I'd do anything
to get Alex back.

I'll remind him of our rings.

I'll remind him of the
jingles we used to write.

And if that doesn't work,

I'll take him down to
the cabin and remind him

of the thing we used to do most.

( humorous theme playing )

Backgammon.

We played backgammon a lot.

Hmm.

Honest.

I believe you.

You do?

Did I ever tell you about the
swampland I have for sale?

( band playing light jazz )

You're a beautiful man.

You're a beautiful woman.

You're more beautiful than I am.

You're beautifully honest.

Congratulations, Julie.

Your electronic icebreaker
seems to be working for everybody.

With one small exception.

( sighing ): Yeah.

Me.

I was talking about me.

I'm sure it was just a
misunderstanding, Walt.

I bet Brigitte would
love to dance with you.

What size bet did
you have in mind?

Come on. Let's ask her.

Yvonne, I hope
your friend says yes.

I promised Walt a good time.

I've got a lot of
money riding on this.

( laughs )

Oh, you don't understand
a word I'm saying.

Gopher. GOPHER: Mm?

My friend Walt wants
to dance with Brigitte.

WALT: Yeah. Ah.

GOPHER: Um, yeah.

Um, Brigitte, uh... (
speaking in French )

Oui.

Heh. Pourquois pas.

Oh, yeah. Pourquois pas?

Yeah. Oui.

WALT: That's what
she said last time.

Again with the feet like an
elephant and banana nose?

Seymour!

SEYMOUR: Wait a minute.

( Yvonne speaking French )

Shall we?

You bet.

Isaac.

What would you like?

I think I'll have a cognac,

and I guess you'll want one too.

Ah, two cognacs, right?

TED: Uh, not for
me. I'd like a beer.

I've never acquired
a taste for cognac.

Oh, then I'll have a beer too.

Two light, right?

No, I always drink dark beer.

Uh, make that two dark beers.

Coming right up.

TED: You know, I
just might try a cognac.

I may get to like it.

Ah, two cognacs. Right.

That ring you're wearing,
it's the same as mine.

LILLY: Really?

Where'd you get it?

I don't know.

I've been wearing it as
long as I can remember.

Mine was made for
me by a little jeweler

on 48th Street in New York.

I've never been to New York.

A friend of mine designed it.

Actually, he was
more than just a friend.

Well, I guess he must've
designed two, then.

Small world, isn't it?

What do you do in New York?

I write advertising
jingles. No kidding?

You might have
heard some of them.

Like the, uh, Cupid
Cologne commercial.

♪ Make her your own ♪

♪ With Cupid Cologne ♪

♪ Reach out and grab it ♪

♪ Let her know you have it ♪

What's the matter?

I'm sorry. I-I don't mean
to make fun of your jingle,

but it is kind of
inane, isn't it?

That jingle sold
a lot of cologne.

"Reach out and grab it"?

"Let her know you have it"?

( laughs )

I guess it is kind of inane.

ISAAC: There you
go. Thanks, Isaac.

Well, how do you like it?

Tastes like your Cupid Cologne.

Julie, you have been
ducking me all night.

Mm-hm. I was hoping
you'd get the message.

I got the message.

I got the message
from my 272 mini-scan.

You know what it says?

It says that you and I
are fated for each other.

Well, I guess I'm just not
ready to meet my fate yet.

Oh, Julie, why fight it?

It's Valentine's. Hearts,
love and all that stuff.

And besides, my
printout says that you and I

have the same interests,
compatible temperaments

and also long-range goals.

Well, my printout
says, "Bug off."

I don't get it.

Julie, Julie,

logic says that you
and I should be in love.

What's logic got
to do with love?

Love is spontaneous, mysterious,

wild, crazy.

You know, you light up my life,

climb the highest mountain,
swim the deepest sea.

Love is an emotion.

Wrong. Love is based on facts.

Like the fact that...

The fact that I
have a tremendous

crush on your shoulders.

Mm, mm.

That's spontaneous. Oh, no, no.

That happens to
be the logical result

of my predictable
attraction to you.

Oh, that's romantic.

Julie. Julie, it's the
romance of the future.

It's geometry, it's mathematics.

It's bull! It's... (
mellow theme playing )

Come on in.

I've been working on
something I want you to hear.

Oh, I'd like that.

Well, I hope so.

I'm gonna call
it "Lilly's Song."

I'm flattered.

( playing softly )

It's beautiful.

But, Ted,

that's the music to the
Cupid Cologne jingle.

You know, you're right.

I thought I made it up.

I'm sorry. Oh, don't stop.

You play beautifully.

Oh, some other time.

I write a lot of tunes.

It's lyrics I have trouble with.

That's my specialty.

Why don't we write
something together?

Yeah, I'd like that.

I think I better warn you though
I do most of my composing

sitting on my porch
in Sonoma County.

Watching the
Russian River go by.

Is that an invitation?

Sure is.

Maybe I'll take you up on it.

Of course, in a few
days I think I'd miss

the excitement of New York.

Lilly, there's
plenty of excitement

outside of New York, you know.

I mean, there's excitement
right here in this room.

Did that remind you of anything?

What should it remind me of?

Ah, never mind.

( upbeat theme playing )

Brigitte? Oui?

Uh, uh, people think, uh...

( speaking in French )

( Brigitte laughs )

( speaking in French )

SAM: Penny, that's...
That's the wrong move.

See, I move here
and my queen mates,

I move here and my knight mates,

I move here and my rook mates.

That's what I love about chess.

All this mating.

DARYL: Are you enjoying
this as much as I am?

Oh, yes, it's wonderful.

Hey, Nick, here
comes your intended.

Yeah, with intent to kill.

Nick, wait. What
have I done now?

Well, you haven't
done anything. Heh.

Except make a lot of
people extremely happy.

Look at 'em.
They're having a ball.

And it's all because
of your computer.

Just like I told
you, it never fails.

Except maybe for us.

Nick.

I'd like to apologize
for last night.

I was pretty rough.

Well, maybe I came
on kind of strong.

Yeah, well, I didn't have
to react so negatively.

I shouldn't have pushed so hard.

Yeah, well, I was a jerk.

Nah. No, I was a jerk.

No, I was a jerk.

Okay, you were a jerk. Oh.

Have dinner with me tonight?

Sure.

The chef's making veal parmesan.

Veal p... I love
it, it's my favorite.

Oh, that's mine too.

There's another thing we have
in common. Isn't that wonderful?

Julie, Julie, the
list is endless.

That's why the
machine put us together.

Oh, well, I think it's terrific.
It sure made people happy.

Oh, Mr. Heider, uh, I
was wondering if you're

going to give your
computer another shot.

Well, uh, I-I didn't
think I'd bother, captain.

Things seem to be
fine for everybody.

Not everybody.

So if you have

another session, let me know.

Uh, I've filled
out another card.

I left some blanks
on the first one.

Brigitte. Um...

( both speaking in French )

Oh, Brigitte, you're truly
the most beautiful, uh, uh...

( speaks in French )

( both speaking in French )

Uh, the most wonderful...

( speaking in French )

( speaks in French )

Ah.

Oh, Brigitte. It's hopeless.

I-I need my dictionary.

( both speaking in French )

I don't wanna bouge pas.

But I gotta...

Brigitte, stay here.

Stay... ( speaking in French )

Oui, Gopher.

Gopher. Yvonne.

( speaking in French )

Knock off the French,
will you, Yvonne? It's me.

Shh! Where were you?

I was with Gopher.
What do you think?

It's getting to be impossible.

His French is so bad I
can't communicate with him.

I'm going to tell
him I speak English.

You do and you'll
blow my whole deal.

I got a big fish on the line.

Well, what about me?

This could be
the love of my life.

If it's the love of your life,
it'll last past this cruise.

Please, for the sake
of our friendship,

don't speak English
till we get off this boat.

I'll tell everybody I
borrowed a Berlitz book

from the ship's library.

No.

I'm a quick study. No.

Well, then do me a favor. What?

Next time you ask me to
go on a cruise with you, don't.

( sighs )

( mellow theme playing )

You know, it's funny. I... I feel
like I've known you all my life.

I mean, all these
strange coincidences.

Like you thinking you knew me

and us wearing the
same ring and all.

I don't know, it's like we
were meant for each other.

I love you, you know.

I wondered who
was gonna say it first.

Lilly, would you
think I was crazy

if I asked you to come
to California with me?

We could get married.

I have a career in New York.

We could be together there too.

No, I'd never fit in.

Yes, you would.

I'd be like a fish out of water.

You'd love New York.

I know you would
if you gave it a try.

I could get you a job at
the agency writing music.

I'd be no good at it.

What do you mean
you'd be no good at it?

You were good at
it. You were the best!

Damn it, don't you remember?

Lady, you're out of your mind.

You're the one
who's out of his mind.

Alex, I'm sorry. I
didn't mean that.

Once and for all, my
name's Ted. Ted Wilcox.

( knocking on door )

Hi there, Mr. Computer-mate.

Hi, gorgeous. Wanna
come out and play?

Wanna come in and play?

I thought you'd never ask.

I thought of nothing
but you all day.

What... What are you doing?

I gotta shave.

You've done that
three times already.

Think you should give it a rest?

I like to look my best.

You like to look in the mirror.

How would you know?

You have your head inside
a book most of the time.

You're really a drag, you know.

A drag?

You don't know the
meaning of the word.

In fact, there
are a lot of words

you don't know the meaning
of. Are you calling me a dummy?

Well, I'll tell you
what you are.

You're a boring egghead
with as much sex appeal as a...

As a bowling ball.

Oh, no, my tan is
beginning to fade.

I need some sun.

You know what you really need?

What? Another shave.

( computer honks, whistles,
makes crashing noise )

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

Brigitte. Oui?

( speaking in French )

Uh... ( speaking in French )

Uh...

Oh, Brig... You know, I just wish
you could speak my language.

Oh, Gopher... (
speaking in French )

Huh?

I said if only I could...

Wait, wait, wait. Did you
just say something in English?

Ah!

Oh!

Wait, wait. Uh... Oh! Brigette.

No, no, no. Excuse moi.

No, no. No, excuse moi.

( both speaking in French )

Ah, oui. ( speaking in French )

( speaking in French )

You have something
for the stain?

( speaking in French )

Oh, good. Thank you. Right!

Thanks a lot.

Make that merci beaucoup.

( Yvonne shouting in French )

Happy? Mm-hm.

I think we can say

that your machine
is a total success.

Ah, my machine only helps
those who help themselves.

Whew. Let's go.

( applause )

Oh, I'd say a complete success.

You are a cultural desert.

Vast.

You... You haven't
even read James Joyce.

I've read the dirty parts.

Is that all you can
think about is sex?

Well, someone
has to think of it.

( computer honks, whistles,
makes crashing noise )

( upbeat theme playing )

Voilà.

Merci.

Thanks, sweetie.

You speak English.

Uh-huh.

Oh, by the way,

I can't get rid of the stain.

But I can get rid of you.

Hey, Yvonne.
Wait... Wait, Yvonne!

Yvonne, you can't leave now.

( clears throat )

Good evening.
Enjoying your cruise?

Me too.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Doc, I blew it.

He asked me to marry
him and live in California.

And?

And I said we should
live in New York.

That I could get him
his old job writing jingles.

He doesn't belong up in
the woods making guitars.

Why not?

Because he has a brilliant mind.

He could write his own
ticket on Madison Avenue.

Maybe he doesn't
like Madison Avenue.

Maybe Madison Avenue
is the reason he snapped.

What do you mean?

Look, amnesia can be
caused by emotional stress.

If there's too much pressure
on a person, the mind reacts.

I put more pressure
on Alex than anyone.

I drove him.

I wanted us to have
our own agency.

The crazy thing is,
I love the new Alex.

If you love him, then
why don't you go out

to California with him?

Oh, sure, just drop everything

and run off and
live out a fantasy.

( somber theme playing )

Don't you have a fantasy?

Yeah.

I've always wanted
something more than jingles.

I wanted to write songs
about life and love.

My favorite kind.

But I'm no Carole King.

I'd probably fall
flat on my face.

Lilly, if you're happy
with what you're doing,

you're not failing.

That sounds like
something Ted would say.

Don't you mean Alex?

No. I mean Ted.

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

Oh, say, Nick, uh,

have you, uh, put my new
card through the machine?

Yes, sir.

And?

And, uh... Uh, well,
what can I say?

Good night.

Why don't you just
say that you lost it?

( sighs )

Whoa! I'm sorry...

Gopher... Sir... Sir, no,

I can explain
everything. And you will.

In my office. Right now.

But, sir, I've gotta
get back to... Now!

Uh, captain? Yes?

I see the computer finally
came up with a date for you.

Sir, can we take shorter steps?

As many steps as you wanna take.

This way.

Wow. Ah. Wow. Heh.

Would you like a drink?

Uh, no, no. This late at
night, the only thing I can drink

is hot cocoa.

Hot cocoa.

Mmm. I got some hot cocoa.

Thank you.

Mm. Well, all we need now

is some Frank Sinatra.

( giggles )

( tape playing
"Strangers in the Night" )

But where's Frank?

Julie, I don't want any
other men in your life.

Oh, whatever I ever said
about your theories, Nick,

I apologize.

I'll never complain about
your computer again.

( knocking at door )

Oh, no.

Not now.

( knocking persists )

( groans )

Your computer stinks!

Listen, we want a rematch.

All... All we ever do is fight.

NICK: Look, every
couple can expect

to have differences
now and then...

How's this for a difference?

I cannot stand the
sight of this man.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.

PENNY: Now you're laughing,
but when I wanted a few laughs,

all you could talk about was
the origin of German lieder

and its influence
on zither music.

( rapping at door )

( all shouting )

You got me in this,
now you get me out.

Oh, get him out? The peacock.

The only time he
looks me in the eyes

is to see his own reflection.

Now, relax, everybody,
we can work this out.

I want to trade this guy in.

SAM: Listen, I should either

punch you in the nose
or kick in your computer.

A punch in the nose?
That sounds good to me.

Now, hold it, fellas...
Yeah! I'm gonna hold him,

you bite him in the leg.

Go ahead. Now...
Now, wait a second.

NICK: We can talk about
this. ( all shouting indistinctly )

Well, here I am.

It's late at night.

I'm in a handsome man's cabin.

Soft lights. Beautiful music.

Something just
doesn't seem right.

( mellow theme playing )

( strumming ballad )

Hi.

Hi.

Ted, I'm sorry
about this afternoon.

Oh, that's okay.

I was trying to turn you
into someone I once knew.

It was a mistake.

No, it was my mistake.

I almost let you get away.

Is that offer still open

to sit and watch the
Russian River go by?

You mean you're willing
to give up New York?

It's just a city.

And your career?

Can I tell you a secret?

There's always been
something lacking.

All I've ever really wanted
to do was write songs.

And I know deep down if
I give myself the chance,

I can write good ones.

Well, I can offer
you a rocking chair

and a sunset every now
and then for inspiration.

You scared?

Mm-hm.

But someone once told me
if you like what you're doing,

you'll be great at it.

And I sure like what I'm doing.

( romantic theme playing )

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh!

C'est magnifique.

( smooching )

( speaks in French )

( giggles )

Brigitte, you're not being fair.

It's a complete
misunderstanding.

Look, will you let me explain?

How can you explain
it? You didn't come back

and you dumped me
and left me all alone

in the Acapulco Lounge.

You speak English?
She speaks English.

Yeah. Just like Yvonne.

( Yvonne speaking in French )

Pardon my French,
honey, but take a hike.

Walt, excuse moi.

And pourquois pas.

Well, there goes my millionaire.

Well, c'est la vive.

T'aint funny, Brigitte.

Chéri, Seymour.

( Yvonne speaking indistinctly )

You spoke English
the whole time.

I made a complete
fool of myself.

It was Yvonne's idea.

She thought it would be
a good way to get guys.

Yeah, French guys.

Gopher.

Mm.

Encore.

Well, if you insist.

Goodbye, Doc. And
thank you for everything.

Sure. Run off
with a guitar player.

If you'd heard me
play stethoscope,

it would have been
a different story.

Goodbye, Ted.

Bye, Doc.

I love you, you know.

More than I did before.

Before?

Well, I don't remember much
about my life in New York,

but last night with you,

I remembered the
most important part:

I loved you then
and I love you now.

STUBING: There you go. Got it?

( sighs )

Captain, I gotta tell you,

I'm really embarrassed

about the way things worked out.

I don't know. I... I
guess the machine

was just malfunctioning.

It had to be broken, or it would
have found someone for me.

Wouldn't it? Well...
Don't answer that.

So you like, uh, James
Joyce and, uh, lieder music.

Listen, I'm sorry about... Sam,

do I look like a
cultural desert?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

They're not supposed
to be together.

How about a shot
of me over there...

I'd like to apologize...
Oh, no, lamb chop.

Let's wait till we
get to my apartment.

You need a shave.

Oh, that's screwball. How
did he end up with her?

Oh, Penny, we're so sorry
about this computer business.

Sorry?

Honey, I had a great time.

Look what I ended up with:

a man of few words
but plenty of action.

( laughs ) Bye-bye.

Boy, did I mess up everything.

According to the computer, I
mean, none of those couples

should be couples.
Oh, I don't know.

I think the computer was
great for you and Miss McCoy.

( clears throat )

Um, confession time, captain.

Uh, the computer had
nothing to do with it.

I rigged it.

What? No, that's right.

I... I rigged it.

Julie, I gotta tell you,

the first time I
saw you, I knew.

I knew you were the one for me.

Then science had
nothing to do with it.

Of course it did.

After all, biology is a science.

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )