The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 2 - A Tasteful Affair/Oh, Dale!/The Main Event - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( cheerful theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

All right, every...
All right, everybody.

Just one more shot
and that's it, all right?



MAN: Yes, after all,
this was supposed to be

just a quiet little
vacation for two.

William and I were trying
to slip away unnoticed.

( crowd gasps )

WOMAN: Miss Rogers, is it true

the Star of Kashmir
cost $1.2 million?

Well, actually,
originally it cost

a million and a half.

But you see, my
sister works at Tiffany's,

so she got an
employee's discount.

( all laugh )

Ah, thank you, my good man.

Here you are, my dear. Careful.

There we are. All right.
Have you got everything?

Yeah. All right.

One final word.

Once we're on the ship,

we all act like
ordinary passengers.

Oh,

I thought we were here
to steal the diamond.

Ox, you promised
not to think this month.

I am not sailing
with that moron.

Elwood, you can't
talk about Taffi like that.

Ox, will you put him down?

Hey, down is that way.

Cossack.

Three steps.

Now, this is our
Purser's Lobby, Jenny.

It's big. Mm.

Where do the stairs lead to?

Promenade Deck.

How did you know
that? ( laughs )

It sounds big,

and I can hear the people
walking up and down the stairs.

That's amazing.

If you show me around
the ship once, Gopher,

I won't have to
bother you anymore.

Okay,

and then I'll let you
show me around the ship.

I keep getting lost.

Come on, let's check with Julie

and see if she's got your
table assignment for dinner.

JULIE: You're in Cabin
330 on the Fiesta Deck.

Thanks very much, and you know

I'll be getting off
at Puerto Vallarta?

Right. Steve?

Steve, is that you?

Jenny?

Yes.

What are you doing here?

I'm going to Puerto Vallarta.

Steve, I can't
believe you're here.

Steve and I went to the
same school for the blind.

Oh? Uh, well...

Jenny, this is Julie
McCoy, our cruise director.

This is Jenny Lang.

How do you do? Oh, hello.

It's nice to meet you.

I think that it's wonderful
that you guys know each other.

Why don't I put you at
the same table for dinner?

Steve, what table
did I give you?

I think it was, uh, 14.

Well, I guess that's
my lucky number.

I'll see you at dinner.
I've got to change.

Would you like to have
a cocktail before dinner?

( somber theme
playing ) You're on. Heh.

GOPHER: Richard.
Uh, this is Miss Lang.

Would you show her
to her cabin, please?

It's Promenade 352.

Right. Thank you.

JENNY: Later.

( sighs )

It's actually the first
time I've ever seen her.

I was born blind, and
we met at the school.

She had her vision
until she was 14,

then she lost it.

But now you can see.

Yeah. A couple years ago

I underwent a
series of operations.

Well, that's fantastic.

I just couldn't blurt it out.

She hasn't been as fortunate.

Oh, hey, we understand that.

STEVE: I'm
gonna tell her, later.

There are a lot of
things I'm gonna tell her.

Like she's beautiful.

( cheerful theme playing )

Welcome aboard,
I'm Captain Stubing.

Enjoy your cruise.

Hello, I'm Captain Stubing.

How do you do, sir?
Vernon Kroller's my name.

And my staff.

( snaps ) Oh, how do you do?

I'm Taffi Martino.

Well, it's my
pleasure. ( giggles )

Elwood Riggs.

How do you do?

I'm Ox.

Yes. Well, uh, welcome aboard.

I understand you'll be
dining at my table tonight.

I look forward to it.

As do I, sir.

Well, until then, uh,
enjoy your cruise.

I'm sure we will, captain.

Hi, welcome aboard. I
hope you enjoy your cruise.

Thank you. We will, we will.

Allow me to take this. Allow me.

She's gonna allow...
I can help better...

Gentlemen, perhaps I
can resolve your difficulty.

Thank you.

Miss Martino, business
before pleasure.

With you everything
is heist, heist, heist.

I still can't get over it.

This cruise is such a surprise.

( chuckling ): Yeah, well,

us lawyers know
how to keep a secret.

How I rather wish you hadn't
kept quite such a secret.

But I had a heck of a time
rearranging my schedule.

This is the busy season
for us designers, you know.

Well, that... That's it.

Uh, we... We need to
get away from business.

And, uh, what could be nicer?

Sun, Mexico, you and me.

Is it still just you and
me, after all these years?

What a question.

You never answer
that question, though.

You always say,
"What a question."

Ah, look, why don't you...?

Why don't you go to the boat,

and, uh, go down to the cabin

and, uh, freshen
up a little bit.

I have to take care
of some business.

What business? You just said...

I just want to call the office

and, uh, tell them not to
bother me with any business.

Alan, what's going on?

I know, "What a question."

Yes.

Oh, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.

Cathy, what are you doing here?

Didn't you get my telegram?

What telegram?

I wired you last night.

My wife found the tickets.

She thinks they're for her.

She's here.

So I get left high
and dry again.

Darling, I'm really sorry.

I really am, but you can't come.

I'm coming.

Look, Alan, I'll
buy my own ticket.

( chuckles )

No, you... You don't mean that.

I'm staying, Alan.

I think it's about
time you decided.

Who's it going to be?

Barbara or me?

What a question.

( foghorn blowing )

That's a wrap. That's a wrap.

I'll see you when I get back.

Wait. When we
get back, all right?

Thank you so much.

Thank you. WILLIAM: Bye-bye.

Bye.

Hi, Julie. What are you doing?

Ah, just getting some fresh air.

Think I'll join you. Me too.

They're not here yet.

Who? Who?

Them.

Hi!

I'm Julie McCroy...

McCruister, Coy Director.

Hello. How are you?

Please excuse Julie.

She's just never
seen stars before.

I hope you enjoyed your
cruise. Please sail with us again.

BRICKER: Uh, excuse
me, I'm the ship's doctor.

Would you mind?
It's for a patient.

Oh, what's the patient's name?

Adam Bricker.

There you go, Adam.

Thank you... ( laughs )

Come on, now. Come on.

I'm sure the Teagues want
to go to their suite and relax.

I'm Captain Merrill Stubing.

Hello. How do you do?

May I show you the way? Sure.

I'm sorry about that.

Uh, my crew just seems
to be a little starstruck.

Do you mind?

Thank you.

Right this way, please.

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( all cheering )

I can't believe it. Do you
know who's on this ship?

Who, who? Roz and Bill.

Oh, wonderful.

I think, uh, you know, this time

our marriage is gonna work out.

We just have to be
a little more careful,

you know, not to step on
each other's sensitive egos.

That's right.

I'm a star and you
have to live with that.

And you were a star
and I have to live with that.

Were a star?

Well, you know what I mean.

Aw. Hm-hm.

Why don't we go back
to the suite and, uh,

have a little nap?

I haven't slept with a
star in a long time. Ha-ha.

I never have.

Except you.

Let's go.

( mellow theme playing )

KROLLER: Has Ox finished putting
the bugs in Roz and Bill's cabin yet?

( mischievous theme playing )

( water splashes )

( flushing over radio )

You'll never believe
where he put the last one.

He flushed it down the toilet.

Why couldn't we get
someone with half a brain?

We did.

Oh, Alan, for heaven's
sake, we're here for the sun.

I'm going to go back
bronzed and beautiful,

and you're going to go
back looking like a dead fish.

Or a dead duck.

Uh, I gotta go call the office.

Now, listen, sit down and
relax and forget about business.

Nobody's indispensable.

Remember, we
can all be replaced.

Alan.

And you must be Barbara Danver.

No, you... You must
have us confused

with some other Alan
and Barbara Danver.

I mean, I don't remember
ever... But, Alan,

you made me the happiest
woman in the world.

Barbara, I swear to you,

I have no idea what
she's talking about.

I'm talking about my divorce.

Alan handled my case.

Well, I've got so
many clients, I...

Oh, you must excuse my husband.

He's overworked and overtired.

Been burning the
candle at both ends.

That's old Alan.

I'm Cathy Randall. Oh, hello.

You're not... You're
not the Cathy Randall

who designs separates for
Coquette Casuals, are you?

Yes. Are you in fashion?

Yes, I design fabrics
for Wildweave.

Wildweave?

This is spooky. Did you see
what I did with your mad plaids?

Did I? I flipped over them.

Well, why don't you sit
down, join us for a drink?

Well...

Come on, it'd be nice to
have somebody to talk to

who's in the business.

Alan here thinks chenille
is married to the captain.

( both laugh )

I heard they broke up.

( mischievous theme playing )

Boy, if that's a movie
they're rehearsing,

it's going to be X-rated.

The bugs are working, huh?

Right. Ah, all right.

Now all we have to do
is keep tabs on them.

And at the right moment,

it's into the vault and
we make the switch.

Boy, that looks
like the real thing.

Good goin', boss.

You already got it.

( tranquil theme playing )

Are you having fun?

Fun? It's... It's fabulous.

It's a sunset, isn't
it? I can feel it.

Yeah.

Oh, Steve, you've
never seen a sunset.

Put your hand on the railing...

and let me tell you
about some of the sunsets

I remember seeing, all right?

Okay.

Now, look out there.

I don't know if I can do a
really beautiful sunset justice.

If you've never been able to see

and you thought you'd
seen every lovely, exquisite

and magnificent
color in the world...

It's as if God then said to you,

"You think that's something?
Take a look at this."

Can you see it?

Yes, I see it.

Do you really?

Yes, Jenny.

I see the sunset.

I see two sunsets.

I see the sunset that's...

actually out there now,

and... I see an even
more dazzling sunset

that you've just helped me see.

I don't understand, Steve.

Jenny,

I had an operation
after I left school.

I have my sight.

Steve, that's fantastic.

I'm so happy for you.

But why didn't I
tell you before?

I don't know, it's just that...

Steve, you of all people...

You're not feeling
sorry for me, are you?

Are you kidding?

Because I don't
feel sorry for myself.

I'm... I'm just glad to be here.

To be part of a world where
there really are miracles

like that sunset...

and your being able to see it.

( cheerful theme playing )

Isn't she beautiful?

Oh, yes.

Well, hey, what's
holding you up?

Why don't you go
over and sit with her?

Oh, come on, Julie. You
saw what happened today.

Doc's got eyes for her. I
can't compete with that.

Gopher,

Doc doesn't have
a patent on charm.

You're pretty terrific
yourself, you know.

Really?

Mm-hm.

I mean, look at that face.

With that cute smile,

and those warm brown eyes,

and that hair that any girl

would love to run
her fingers through.

So, Gopher, you're one of
the most charming officers

on board this ship.

Well, gee, if you
put it that way...

No. Come on.

Give it your best shot.

Go ahead.

Good evening.

Hi. Hi.

How would you
like to have dinner

with one of the most
charming officers on the ship?

Sure.

Thanks for the introduction,
go comb your hair.

I'm sure you'll enjoy
Puerto Vallarta, Mr. Kroller.

I find it fascinating.

I look forward to it.

JULIE: Oh, Mr. and
Mrs. Teague, hello.

WILLIAM: Hello. ROZ: Julie.

Oh, I'm so glad this is
one of your casual nights.

I just didn't feel like
dressing up this evening.

Where's our table, dear?

Oh, just an
intimate table for two

where Bill and I can hold hands

and whisper sweet nothings.

WILLIAM: Ah, yes.

JULIE: Like you did in
The Vain and the Vengeful

right before you shot him.

Oh, I'm not packing
a gun tonight. Heh.

Oh, right, um...

Right, excuse me, uh,
your table's right over here.

All right.

STEVE: The, uh, bread's at 4:00.

The wine's at 5:00.

The salt and
pepper, 7:30, about.

You're showing me
the ropes again, Steve.

Just like when we first met
when I was a scared little kid.

You're not a kid anymore.

No.

You know, you were pretty
rough on me in school.

Letting me walk into
walls and everything.

But I want to thank you for it.

I don't do it any more.

I've noticed.

You know, my brother's
probably sitting at home

right this very minute,

worried that I've
strolled off the stern.

There's a rose on
the table, isn't there?

Uh-huh.

Rose is my favorite flower.

Oh... Heh. Thank you.

You know, I've...
I've missed you.

Have you?

Of course.

How could a girl
forget the first boy

that let her walk into a wall?

It's, uh, much more memorable

than, uh, her first kiss though.

I guess I'm too late
for the first kiss, huh?

I'm afraid so.

A boy named Bobby
Hoffmeier beat you to it.

Oh.

Is Bobby a good kisser?

Well, let me put
it to you this way:

he'll never earn a living at it.

( laughs )

I just don't see why you
had to invite her to dinner.

Because I like her.

We have a lot in common.

Hello, Barbara. Hi.

Alan. Oh.

Sit down.

Thank you.

You know, it's probably
none of my business,

but, uh, why is a
great-looking girl like you

on this cruise alone?

Well, the truth
of the matter is,

I was going to have company,
but his wife found the tickets.

( coughs )

Excuse me.

A little cork in the ripple.

Oh, so he's stuck
at home with her

and you're here having
the time of your life.

Something like that.

( chuckles )

You know, we've been
on this ship for five hours

and we haven't had a fight.

And they said it wouldn't last.

You know what I'd
like to do after dinner?

Ah, what?

I'd like to go back
to our cabin and...

Yes.

Take a good look
at the new script.

But... Oh, honey,
heh, not tonight.

Sweetness, you
have to read it soon.

We start shooting in a month.

I know, I... I know,
but tonight, honey,

let it just be us.

Yes, you're right.

You're right.

You know, I'm glad to be here.

I really am.

You know, away from Hollywood,

that world of
make-believe we live in.

It's great to... To
be just plain folks

for a few days.

Yes.

It's really wonderful.

Oh, honey, by the way,
where's the wine steward?

The wine...?

Oh, he's over there
behind those extras there.

Those are people, Bill. Heh-heh.

Hm? People.

Oh, yes.

To the start of a
beautiful relationship.

( giggles )

You're gonna break your arms.

Miss Martino,

might I have a
moment of your time?

Sure.

Just a moment.

Excuse us.

Excuse me.

Hm? Ditch the doctor.

But... The captain told me

the assistant purser
is in charge of the vault.

Oh, the cute one
with the messy hair?

Got ya.

Ah. Tootles, Doc. Thanks
for a lovely evening.

Hi, mind if I join you?

Not at all, I was just leaving.

Excuse me.

Comb your hair.

No, don't change
your hair for me.

Not if you care for me.

( whimpers )

( mellow theme playing )

Listen, Baker, you gotta do
me this one favor. Please?

See, I really dig this blond,

and she goes for
me too, you know?

So all I'm asking you to do is
just take my shift for tonight.

Okay? ( line clicks )

Is that a yes or a no?

Oh, Miss Rogers,
Mr. Teague, good evening.

Good evening. Enjoy your dinner?

Oh, it was divine.

Now all I want is bed.

Ah, yes. Nothing like
a good night's sleep.

Oh, that too.

Allow me, darling. Mm.

Will you please
put this in the vault?

Yes, sir.

( whistles )

Will you come this way, please?

Oh.

They're putting it
in the vault now.

They're putting it in the vault.

Excellent, excellent.

( snaps )

( snaps )

It's not exactly Fort Knox,

but not exactly your
average piggy bank, either.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm sure it'll be safe,

but if not, back to Tiffany's.

( all chuckle )

( grunts )

There we go.

( martial theme playing )

There you are, sir.

Right in your box.
Promenade Suite 242.

Safe and sound for the night.

Well, I hope so,
because if it gets lost,

it's gonna come
out of your salary.

Then you better
hope I live to be 194.

( all chuckle )

( sighs )

Good night.

Good night. ROZ: Ciao.

( suspenseful theme playing )

It's in the safe.

Give me ten minutes to
take care of the purser.

All set.

All right, gentlemen, let's go.

Hey!

Is the cruise over already?

Kinda warm for this
time of the year, isn't it?

Hey. All set? Ah, right.

Now, you...? You remember
what you're supposed to do?

You stay out here and
don't let anybody in.

You can count on me, boss.

( mysterious theme playing )

Boy, it's hot in here.

Yeah.

I'll see if I can turn this off.

( sighs )

( groans )

It's stuck.

( mutters )

Ox!

KROLLER: Ox!

( sighs )

Whew.

Boy, it's hot in here.

Turn that thing off.

( creaks )

It's off.

Give me that.

I'll wait outside.

( sighs )

There you are, cutie-pie.

What you doin' behind
this big, silly desk?

Oh, I-I, um... I have to work.

Look at that face, that tension,

and those shoulders.

Hey, you know what you need?

A good massage.

Come on, let Taffi
take care of you.

( giggles )

Now, why don't you park
your old bod right here

and let me work on it.

( chuckles )

Roll over on your tummy. Oh.

( sighs )

There. Good.

( static hissing, beeping )

Oh. Just relax.

Oh, yes.

Right. ( sighs )

You're gonna feel like a
new man once I... get started.

Oh, I'm sure I will.

Go.

( whirring )

( drill whirring faintly )

( moans )

When you've had
enough, just say stop.

Stop, stop.

What for?

She said stop.

( moans )

I mean, I guess
you want me to...

keep going.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go.

( whirring )

( both sigh )

Uh... ( both sigh )

Gopher? Yeah?

( sighs )

Do you like to dance?

( moans )

Wait, you mean with you?

Yes. Oh, dancing is my life.

Great.

BOTH: ♪ Da rum dum da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Rum dum da da ♪

( whirring )

( drill whirring faintly )

How's it coming?

Just a little more.

But the drill is overheating.

Don't stop.

( whirring )

( drill whirring erratically )

What happened?

The drill burnt out.

( sighs )

But we got it.

Clean as a whistle.

Okay.

Now to get the diamond
and make the switch.

( romantic theme playing )

I wouldn't trade this
night for a million dollars.

A million-point-two. Heh.

( grunts )

( suspenseful theme playing )

( beeps )

( device beeps )

( beeps )

( device beeps )

( device beeps )

( device beeps )

I gotta stop, boss.

Elwood, what's wrong?

I can't take this heat.

( device beeping )

Help me, boss. All right.

Grab that.

( mysterious theme playing )

( device beeps )

( whirring, clicking)

( device beeps )

( beeps )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Got it.

Wonderful.

Wonderful, Elwood.

No more worries.

From now on, we're
lying on the beach,

basking in the sun.

Don't count on me.
I'm goin' to Iceland.

Oh, come on, you
sweet thing you.

Come to Daddy.

( tense theme playing )

Attababy. Come on.

Oh, boss.

The hole's not big enough and...

And the diamond is too large.

We'll have to
drill another hole.

With what?

With one of the other ones.

You had four special
drills made, didn't you?

That's right.

They're in Ox's bag.

Well, then, get
them from Ox's bag.

Okay, but if I'm not
back in a hurry, it's...

It's not my fault.

Hm?

Ox left his bag in Los Angeles.

Of course he did.

( playful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Good morning.

Oh, hi.

Well, we were just
gonna go play Ping-Pong.

We'll see you tomorrow. Alan!

Oh, I wanted to show you
the sketches for my fall line.

Oh, I'd love to see them.

Sure you don't wanna
go play Ping-Pong?

Well, not now, Alan. No.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll
just go play Ping.

Just one picture.

To prove to my brother
I didn't fall overboard.

Ha. Okay.

There you go.

Smile.

( camera clicks )

That's it.

Thanks.

How about one of me?

Well, how the heck
am I gonna do that?

Come over here.

That's it, turn around.

Uh, here, take the camera.

Hold it up like this,

and, uh, here, I'll do this.

And aim a little to the right.

And, uh, press this
button to take the picture.

Are we taking pictures
or fooling around here?

I didn't know I had a choice.

( chuckles )

Just wanna make sure
you got one of me smiling.

Okay.

Is...? Is that all right? Yeah.

( camera clicks ) Ha.

( both chuckle )

Hey, Jenny.

Oh, hi, Doc.

Uh, Jenny Lang, Captain Stubing.

Hey. Steve Hollis.

Hello. How do you do?

Hi, Steve. Adam
Bricker. Hi, how are you?

It's, uh, very nice to meet you.

Oh, you're very
tall, about 6'1", um,

blue eyes, your
sideburns are graying...

( chuckles )

JENNY: and, uh...

about 240.

STUBING: It's remarkable.

You can tell all that
just by touching my face?

No, uh, Doc described
you to me yesterday.

( chuckles )

( playful theme playing )

Two-forty?

Two-ten?

That's close enough.

( mysterious theme playing )

KROLLER: Hand
me that padding, Taffi.

Are you decent?

Ah, he hasn't been
decent in years.

What's he doin' in there?

Well, Plan A didn't work,
so he's working on Plan B.

KROLLER: Patience my friend.

Momentarily you will see

the results of my
remarkable genius.

Genius? Heh.

So how come we
don't have the diamond?

Ah, relax, Elwood.
You'll live longer.

Is that all you'll ever
do? Fix your face?

I think she's beautiful.

Thanks, Ox.

You're welcome. Hm.

KROLLER: Ladies and
gentlemen, introducing Plan B.

( dramatic theme playing )

It's incredible. ( gasps )

You really are a genius.

Hi, Captain Stubing.

Did you see Mr. Kroller
in the bathroom?

This is Kroller, you ox.

It's fantastic. Hee.

It's perfect.

Of course. I made it.

( chuckles )

Now, I'll go down and
get them to open the vault.

You think the purser'll
do it for you, huh?

Of course. I'm the captain.

Heh. Oh, wow.

KROLLER: Taffi, you've got
to keep Captain Stubing busy.

If he's the captain,
where's Kroller?

( playful theme playing )

( light jazz theme playing )

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, Alan.

You haven't seen
Cathy, have you?

Me? Why should I
have seen Cathy?

Well, we were supposed to meet.

Oh.

You know, you spend an
awful lot of time together.

What do you find to talk about?

Heh-heh. Well, we're two
women in the same business.

Heh. What would you
expect us to talk about?

Men. Heh-heh.

Well, I think I better
go and find her.

Uh, do you...? Do you
mind if I, uh, tag along?

Maybe the three of us could
find something to do together.

Well, okay, but we're
going to the beauty shop

for a wash and set.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll
just stand up here

and watch my hair curl.

How about another lap?

Oh, not me. I've had it.

You always were a
better swimmer than me.

What did you say?

I said you were
always were... ( yelps )

( giggles )

You rat!

You heard what I said.

You just wanted
to keep me talking,

so you could zero in on me.

( grunts )

Aha.

Oh.

Oh, there you go.

Oh, thanks. I'm having fun.

I'm not exactly in pain, either.

I've got some,
uh, suntan lotion.

You wanna put some on my back?

Sure.

Are you worried about burning?

No, I... I don't burn.

Oh, just wanna deepen your tan.

Oh, I couldn't care
less about a tan.

Oh.

Oh, then, uh, what
am I doing this for?

Ah, that's why.

( chuckles )

Gopher, where
were you last night?

We missed your money
at the poker game.

Oh, Taffi and I were just
tripping the light fantastic.

I've seen you dance.
Tripping is the right word.

Hey, don't be a sore loser, Doc.

Taffi just happens to
dig my animal magnetism.

( growls )

Probably just wanted
some comedy relief.

( Isaac & Bricker chuckle )

Unfortunately, I don't
have enough time

to show you the
ship, Miss Martino.

Just call me Taffi, Merrill.

( chuckles )

Well, I gotta go back to work.

You two keep fighting it
out for second and third.

( chuckles )

WILLIAM: I just know
you're gonna love this script.

It has everything.

It has warmth, heart,

sensitivity, comedy, drama.

Well, does it have
something in it for you?

Well, is it good?

Now, listen, they're
guaranteeing us

$1 million apiece.

Each of us.

I mean, how much
gooder can it get?

( suspenseful theme playing )

All right, here we go.

All right, boss. Good luck.

( hoarsely ): Thanks.

Hi, captain.

Mr. Smith.

Captain.

Boy, that was a short tour.

Uh, yes. All she did
was talk about you.

Oh, really?

What's the matter
with your voice?

Laryngitis. Just got it.

Oh.

Well, it's kinda nice, sir.

Makes you sound
like Robert Redford.

With laryngitis.

Oh, look, uh, a
passenger asked me

to put this in
the vault for her.

Will you open it for me, please?

Before I open the vault, can
you prove you're Captain Stubing?

( sighs )

Open the vault or you're fired!

That's good enough for me.

( clears throat )

Good morning, Miss McCoy.

JULIE: Good morning, sir.

Gopher?

Gopher?

Weren't you just behind me?

What do you mean,
just behind you?

I finally got rid
of Miss Martino.

I told her I was
going up to the bridge.

Lord, how I hate
those guided tours.

Hey, your voice is better.

Better than what?

Well, I mean, your
laryngitis. It's gone.

I never had laryngitis.

Not even as a kid?

Mr. Smith, what is going on?

Well, sir, excuse me,
I'm a little confused.

Didn't you just ask
me to open the vault

so you could put
a jewelry box in it?

No.

Vault?

( sighs )

Now, sir, you asked
me to come in here...

STUBING: Yes. GOPHER:
and open the vault.

GOPHER ( hoarsely ):
You were talking like this.

STUBING ( softly ): Like that?

GOPHER ( hoarsely
): No, like this.

There can be only
one explanation.

Gopher, you're working too hard.

No, there's gotta be
another explanation.

( sighs )

( suspenseful theme playing )

JULIE: Captain Stubing,

I've been looking
for you all day.

Not now. Well, sir, what's...?

Dismissed!

Yes, sir.

Hi, captain.

Isaac, uh, have you seen me

around here recently?

Uh, not until now.

Yes, well, if you do see
me, let me know immediately.

Sure. You'll be
the first to know...

All right.
- -sir.

JULIE: Isaac.

Isaac, have you seen
Captain Stubing today?

Yeah, and he's
acting kinda strange.

Oh, I'm glad I'm not the
only one who thinks so.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( sighs )

Captain Stubing. Yeah.

Well... Ah, well, it's a...

It's a beautiful day, isn't
it? Yeah, uh, beautiful.

I say, captain... Hm?

Better be careful.

It sounds like you're
coming down with laryngitis.

( sighs )

( sighs )

( mellow theme playing )

Good morning.

Hi.

Hello, Jenny, it's Julie.

Where's Steve?

He went to get
some postcards. Ah.

Julie, do you have a minute?
I could use some girl talk.

Well, sure. Of
course. Fire away.

Does Steve look
as nice as he is?

Oh.

Well, that depends
on your taste.

He's okay if you like
guys about 6 feet tall,

dark hair, incredible hazel eyes

and the perfect smile.

A real uggo, huh?

Yeah, but, you know,
it's your problem.

You picked him, not me.

( chuckles )

And you make sure
you don't. He's my uggo.

I promise. I promise.
See you later. Bye-bye.

Okay. Bye-bye.

So, what do you think?

It's... so sad, so tragic.

Yeah?

To think they
killed a tree for this.

See, I'm the first one
to admit it needs work.

It needs a burial.

Oh, William, do we
have to do this picture?

Isn't it enough that we're
back together again?

Listen, love, we
owe it to our art.

We owe it to our public.

We owe it to our industry.

And trust me, we
owe it to our jeweler.

Well, heh, if I'm to do it,

we'll just have to rewrite
the opening scene.

No! It's very powerful.

Now, just visualize it, huh?

We open with a big
close-up of you as an old hag.

Then we cut to me,

a young, handsome,
cavalry officer

riding a white stallion.

I fight a few battles,
have a few love affairs,

a couple of soliloquies,
and then back to you.

Big close-up of your
hand, your fingers tapping,

tapping nervously
as you think about me.

Then a tight angle of your ear

as you listen to me galloping,

galloping away
into the sunset, huh?

And then a close-up of my
foot as I kick you in the rear.

Please, dear, don't
be of a closed mind.

Oh, Bill. Ha-ha-ha.

Look, why...? Why
don't we just...?

Let's leave it to
the director, okay?

That's good thinking.

Who is the director?

Well, funny you should ask.

Not you? And why not?

I think I have a
pretty good idea

where to put a camera.

I have one suggestion.

Honey, honey.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Why do you always
have to let your ego

get in the way?

My ego?

You have the biggest part,

you are the director

and you hired the writer.

I did not.

Oh.

I wrote it.

I should have known.

You spelled my name wrong.

You, a young cavalry officer?

Who's gonna play your
kid brother, Buddy Ebsen?

I happen to have the
body of a 20-year-old.

We'll get to her later.

Now that's beneath you.

Now that's really beneath you.

Besides, that's an old joke.

Takes one to know one.

I see.

That's the thanks I get

for trying to revive
your sagging career.

That does it.

Listen, sweetheart...

I think we're fighting.

( laughs sarcastically )

You call this fighting, honey?

Oh, this isn't
fighting, snookums.

This is fighting.

( whistling )

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING: I tell
you, it's frightening

to look up and see
your own face like that.

Of course, it's more frightening
for some of us than others, sir.

Now, why would someone
pretend they're me?

Maybe they wanted to yell at me.

JULIE: Well, sir, we are having

a masquerade
party tomorrow night.

My guess is somebody's
trying out their costume.

Yeah, some people don't care
how crazy they look in those things.

STUBING: No, no.

It's more than that.

GOPHER: You know something, sir?

I knew something was fishy
when you came down to the vault

and had laryngitis and then
a second later you didn't.

The vault.

That's it.

Someone is trying to
steal the Star of Kashmir.

Hey, I never thought of that.

That's why I'm the captain.

Now, I want security
tightened around that vault.

Nobody gets in without
a darn good reason.

Right.

I want a guard placed
on Miss Rogers' door.

Right.

I want all of you to
keep your ears open

in case we can get
a line on that thief.

Right.

And whenever Miss
Rogers wears that necklace,

I want somebody
on top of her. Right.

STUBING: Just don't let the
passengers know what's happening.

I don't want to tip the
thief that we're on to him.

ALL: Right.

( mischievous theme playing )

Well, Mr. Smith.

Oh, hi, Mr. Kroller.

Hi, Taffi. Hi there.

You seem to have a
purposefulness of stride.

A certain gleam in your eye.

Look as if you're
about to do battle.

Well, frankly, sir, I am.

( clears throat )

Between you and me,

we believe there's
a thief onboard

after Miss Rogers' diamond.

No... Really?

GOPHER: But d-don't worry, sir.

Uh, he won't get
past our defenses.

Bye.

Tootles.

OX: Boss.

Ain't that a coincidence?

There's another man aboard
this ship trying to heist that rock.

No, it looks as if they're
gonna make our endeavors

slightly more complicated.

I think we shall
move on to Plan C.

Which one is that?

It's the one right after B.

OX: Right.

Thanks, Taffi.

Think nothing of it.

( mellow theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

I forgot you were
such a good dancer.

All depends on
who I'm dancing with.

Steve? Mm?

I'm sorry you're getting
off at Puerto Vallarta.

Me too.

I'm sorry you reminded me.

Will you call me when
you get back to L.A.?

Well, that all depends...

Is your, uh, brother
bigger than me?

( laughs )

Yes, he is.

Well, uh...

I'll have to think about it.

( chuckles )

You know, they're showing
a movie in ten minutes.

Should we go?

What's the film?

An Affair to Remember.

( coughs )

Are you all right, Alan?

Uh, I just swallowed the olive.

Sorry.

I think I'll pass on the movie.

Well, come on, Cathy.

No, thanks, I've seen it.

Well, I guess you two are just
gonna be stuck with each other.

See you later.

Ah. Very smooth.

You'll give away
your whole show.

Me? How about you parking
yourself under her nose

for 24 hours a day.

Alan, I know it seems strange,

but when I came on this ship

I thought of Barbara
as the enemy.

Now that I know her, I
really like her for a friend.

Yeah, well, she's a great girl.

I don't understand.

If you feel that way about her,
why did you start up with me?

Mm. Well, you're
a great girl too.

I see.

The more the merrier.

No, no.

There just...

Something's been missing
with Barbara and me.

Been missing for a long time.

Sex rears its ugly head.

No, I mean...

I mean... I mean, just
sitting around and talking.

Hanging out together.

I've been married to
Barbara for seven years

and I don't know who she is.

Do you have any idea who I am?

You are a sweet,
warm, wonderful person

who listens, and
gives, and cares.

No... I'm your ex-mistress.

( somber theme playing )

It's lovely, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Who wants you to?

I have a cabin full of
nothing but privacy.

Jenny, I... I... Oh, Steve. Heh.

Would it help if I say it
doesn't have to be forever?

I know you.

You have your sight now and...

why should you be
saddled with a blind...

Come on. That... That's
a terrible thing to say.

It's true, isn't it?

No.

Jenny...

I love you.

Now there's a coincidence.

But...

But?

It has to do with Puerto
Vallarta, doesn't it?

You're seeing a girl there.

I'm engaged to her.

But that was before
this happened.

Steve... this never happened.

Jenny... Jenny!

Let me walk into my own walls.

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn tooting )

STUBING ( over PA ):
Guided tours of Puerto Vallarta

will be leaving off the
portside in ten minutes.

ISAAC: Here you go, gentlemen.
Two more eye-opener specials.

Oops, almost forgot.

Mm.

I always wondered why they
put celery in Bloody Mary's.

Yeah, why do they?

Because lettuce would wilt.

Hey...

Well, I guess I better go
open up some more eyes.

Just don't let anybody
open those curtains.

My eyes will fall out.

You know, for a big
star you're not a bad guy.

Yeah, you go downstairs
and tell my wife that.

Got wife problems of my own.

Oh?

That, uh, brunette I
saw you with last night?

No.

She's my mistress.

The blond is my wife.

Ha-ha. And they're both onboard?

( chuckling ): They're both...

And they say Hollywood
people are wild, huh?

Not my idea.

I'm just a simple guy trying
to make both ends not meet.

Look, I, uh...

I don't want to give
you any advice, but, uh...

Well, I've... I've had my
share of women, and...

From what I've read, you've
had everybody's share.

Maybe so.

But you know,

at this stage of my life,
I've learned something.

If you're lucky enough to
find someone who loves you,

you know, to stick
by you for more than...

a night here, a weekend there,

try your best to work it out.

That's pretty good advice.

Yes, it is.

And I'm gonna follow it.

See you around, huh?

( mellow theme playing )

Hello, Jenny, it's Julie.

Steve was looking for you.

I know, uh...

I'm trying to stay
away from him.

Well, he wanted to say goodbye.

We said our goodbyes last night.

I'm sorry.

I'm not.

It was great while it lasted.

Uh, he asked me
to give this to you.

Are you gonna be okay?

I'm gonna go now.

Bye-bye.

( somber theme playing )

Roz, darling?

Where are you, sweetheart?

ROZ: Taking a bath,
if you don't mind.

I brought you a peace offering.

Is it your head on a plate?

( chuckles )

A rose.

A flower of faultless beauty,
second only to your own.

It symbolizes my
undying devotion for you.

The Sick and the
Sordid, Scene 23.

( laughs )

But the thought is lovely.

Mind if I join you?

Only if you bring
your rubber ducky.

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING ( over PA ): We hope you
enjoyed your stay in Puerto Vallarta.

We'll be arriving
in Cabo San Lucas

at 0800 tomorrow morning.

( mischievous theme playing )

Okay.

They're in the bathtub together.

Now's our chance.

Well, I don't know.

Think we have enough time?

How long does it
take to have a bath?

Believe me, boss,

they don't care
how long it takes.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Jenny.

Why did you come back?

I broke my
engagement to that girl.

You made a mistake.

The only mistake I made

was getting engaged
to her in the first place.

You're crazy.

You could have a normal,
happy marriage with that girl.

What makes you think that
marrying a girl who can see

guarantees a happy marriage?

How come millions of couples
with 20/20 vision get divorces?

( sighs )

Besides... I love you.

I don't love you.

( sighs )

I like you very much.

But I don't love you.

If I believed that, do you think
I would have come back here?

I know you love me.

It... It couldn't work, Steve.

Now goodbye.

Jenny... Goodbye, Steve.

( crying )

I knew you loved me.

That's a cheap trick.

Marry me.

No.

You just think I need you more
than that other girl needs you.

You want to take care of me.

You want to make me
stop walking into walls.

Is that what you really think?

Yes.

Then to hell with you.

What do I have to do
to prove that I love you?

Go blind again?!

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

All quiet with the Teagues, Doc?

Yeah, to think I spent
eight years in college

and medical school and I can be
replaced by a German shepherd.

Well, there'll be an extra
milk-bone in your pay envelope.

( laughs ) Oh.

Now, we all appreciate it.

Just don't lower your
guard for any reason.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Doc.

Well, hello there.

Not for any reason, Dr. Bricker.

Right, right.

So, whatcha doing?

Oh, just, uh, hanging out.

Yeah?

How'd you like to hang
out in the moonlight?

But it's the middle
of the morning.

Why wait till the last minute?

Hm... Hey, did I ever tell you

you're the most attractive
man on this entire ship?

Ah, you have excellent taste.

Mm-hm.

You know...

my cabin is just
down on the next deck.

Come on. I'll race ya.

Well, I'd love to, but...

I'll take care of
that for you, ma'am.

Gopher. Take over
for me, will you?

Sure.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

Uh, watch the door.

Why?

I'll just watch the door.

Which way did you
say your cabin was?

( giggles )

( romantic theme playing )

Hey.

Did I ever tell you,

I think you're the
most attractive man

on this entire ship?

( chuckles )

( Roz and William laughing )

WILLIAM: Don't do that to me.

ROZ: Oh... Heh-heh.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( clattering )

( Roz laughing )

WILLIAM: Now it's your turn.

What was that?

My heart.

KROLLER: Ox, don't forget
to leave the fake diamond.

( Roz and William laughing )

WILLIAM: It's your
turn to look for the soap.

ROZ: Oh... Heh-heh.

Everything all right?

I can't hear you.

Is everything all right?

They're still playing
Mr. and Mrs. Clean.

Ox, what were you
doing down there?

It sounded like you
were wrecking the place.

He dropped me on my head twice.

Well, it could only help.

Sure couldn't hurt you.

Listen, don't start.
All right, all right.

Give us the necklace.

Sure, boss.

( whimsical theme playing )

You left the copy, didn't you?

Oh, sure.

I didn't give it to
you already, did I?

No.

Now you take your
time, Ox, take your time.

( chuckling )

Isn't it magnificent?

Oh, I gotta hand
it to you, Vernon.

You really pulled
it off this time.

And nobody's the wiser.

( laughing )

Who are you? What do you want?

I'm sorry.

I must have the wrong room.

It's all right, honey.

It's a mistake
anybody could make.

I count off the paces.

I sometimes goof though.

Can't balance my
checkbook either.

Heh. Well, uh...
I'm looking for 352.

Oh, yeah, that's
right down the...

Uh, the... Oh,
gee, it's next door.

Can I give you a hand?

No, I... I'm fine.

I'm sorry again.

All right. Tootles.

This time lock the door.

Right.

( chuckles )

Look how it shines,
look how it sparkles.

Here in my hand,
friends, a bauble.

That will make four
people's lives secure.

A ruby has fire, an
emerald has depth,

but a diamond...
outshines them all.

Pure, brilliant, hard.

Hard enough to cut glass.

Watch as I put my signature
to the end of a perfect crime.

You fool!

You left the real diamond
and brought back the fake!

Maybe you used the wrong mirror.

Oh, Ox, it's people like you
that give crime a bad name.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, are you all set for
the masquerade party?

Mm-hm.

What are you wearing?

I'm going as Marie Antoinette.

Let 'em eat cake.

( giggles )

Maybe I'll go as Eve.

Let 'em eat their hearts out.

( giggles )

You need a lighter?

Yes. Wait a minute.

I think I've got one
in here somewhere.

Oh, is that you?

Yes, it is you.

( dramatic theme playing )

And my husband.

Barbara.

Barbara.

Barbara, I'm sorry.

I'm the one...

I'm the one who found
the tickets to the cruise.

Right?

Right. But I never intended...

Oh, how could I be so dumb?

That... That picture,

that was taken in
Hawaii, wasn't it?

He asked me to go
with him, but I was...

I was too busy
with my fall line.

Were you...?

Were you in New York with
him at the convention too?

( sighs )

Oh, what shall I do?

Well, I guess I'll
divorce him or...

maybe I'll kill him first.

You don't want to divorce him.

What shall we do? Share him?

I'll take him alternate
weekends and...

And Wednesday and... And
Tuesday nights, and you take him...

Barbara, I'm not
taking anything.

It's over between Alan and me.

( tender theme playing )

Look, I was lonely
after my divorce.

Alan was very kind.

You were working a lot.

He needed someone to talk to.

And to go to bed with?

It's all part of the same thing.

Did you... love him?

I needed him.

He needed me.

But it's you he wants.

It's you he's always wanted.

If I could believe that or...
if I thought it were true...

But... how could I...?

How could I take
lying in his arms

and wondering if he's
thinking about you?

( sighs )

It's funny.

All the time we
were together, I...

had the feeling he
was thinking about you.

How can I be sure?

How can anyone
be sure of anything?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

There is a way you could
find out how he really feels.

It's kind of sneaky, but...

it might do the trick.

Well, what is it?

Come on.

( mellow theme playing )

Cabo San Lucas
is beautiful, isn't it?

Everything is gold.

Sure.

At least you didn't say

the water is sparkling
like diamonds.

Sorry.

Hey...

you know that
actress Roz Rogers?

Are you kidding?

Well, she was out
by the pool, asleep.

So I snuck up on her
and guess what I took?

What?

Oh, Ox.

Her picture!

You know, boss, she
was wearing that diamond.

I could've reached
right out and grabbed it.

Let's drown him.

Huh?

Hm.

Don't be ridiculous, Elwood.

Ox just came up with Plan D.

( knocking at door )

( tender theme playing )

Hi, Jenny, it's Julie.

And Isaac. Hi, Jenny.

And Gopher. Hi, Jenny.

And Doc. Hi, Jenny.

And, boy, have we
got something for you.

Roses, I know.

Not just roses.

Every rose in Cabo San Lucas.

Steve?

Uh-huh.

Does this mean it's your
birthday or something?

No, I...

It means he doesn't really
care if I walk into walls.

( knocking at door )

Come in.

Jenny.

Steve, um,

please, um, listen
to what I have to say.

Last night I acted like a fool.

I was wrong.

Um...

I love you.

And I know you love me.

I-I do wanna marry you,

and if you still
feel the same way,

I'll be waiting in my cabin.

Uh... I'm going now.

Jenny, you're
crazy. ( laughing )

How come that cheap
trick didn't work for me?

( romantic theme playing )

STUBING ( over PA ): The
masquerade ball is now in progress

in the coral dining room.

Will you smile?

Marie Antoinette wasn't unhappy

until after they
cut off her head.

The worst I could do
is bite you on the neck.

Uh, honey, uh, I... I
forgot my purse. Oh.

You go ahead and
join Cathy a-and I'll be...

I'll be right back.

Well, wait a minute.
How am I gonna find her?

What's she wearing?

Oh, you can't miss her.

She's dressed as a clown.

A clown? Ah, like
Marcel Marceau.

Marcel Marceau.

In that case, I'll
bite her on the neck.

What can she say?

( growls )

( band playing light jazz )

Are you really
dressed as a rabbit,

or have I had too many already?

No, I am the white rabbit.

Or as we call him,
the honky rabbit.

( feet tapping )

( Spanish accent
): Valentino lives.

Not in that body.

You're looking at the
world's greatest lover.

You don't know
nothing about us rabbits.

Cleo, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

And by the way, good luck
tonight, Prince Charming.

Oh, I can't miss.

One size fits all.

Hey, rabbit.

Hey, uh, what's up, Doc?

( laughs )

Well, what do you think?

Very novel.

You're the only one who
came as a shoe salesman.

Uh, check your dipstick. I
think you're down a quart.

I must say, this has been
a delightful cruise, captain.

Oh, tonight you don't
have to call me captain.

A simple "Your Majesty" will do.

( laughing )

Happy?

Uh-huh.

Keep your eyes on that diamond.

I want no trouble
tonight or heads will roll.

Who was that?

Hi, Cathy.

( laughs )

( growling )

Did he see you?

I made sure of it.

Good luck, Barbara.

Thank you.

( spoon clinking )

At 11:00 we kill the lights.

Boss, you said there
wasn't gonna be any killing.

Hey, Cathy, it's fantastic.

Well, wait'll Barbara sees you.

Uh, she, uh, left her
purse in the cabin.

She'll be back in a minute.

Well, why don't we wait
till Barbara gets back.

What's going on?

Cathy, cut it out.

What's with you, anyway?

Gee, if Barb sees this, she...

Okay, okay, just for a minute.

Wait, I'll get my teeth.

All right, Cathy, you
can cut the mime now.

Well, if you insist.

Look, I thought you said
it was over between us.

Cathy, I've been doing a
lot of thinking on this cruise.

I don't want to hurt you.

You're a wonderful girl.

But I think I love Barbara.

I know I love Barbara.

And I couldn't
stand to lose her.

She's my wife,
and she's my life.

I'm sorry, but it
is over with us.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, I knew there were
things wrong with the marriage,

but I should have talked
it over with Barbara.

I guess I was scared
she wouldn't listen,

so I never gave her the chance.

I mean, how's she
supposed to know what I need

if I never tell her?

I'm doing it again.

The things I'm telling
you, I should be telling her.

You are.

Barbara.

Yep.

It is you.

Yep.

Then you, uh, know
about everything.

Yes, Alan.

Barbara, I've been such a jerk.

Yes, and so have I.

And dressing up like
this was crazy, but...

at least I finally
got to know you.

Barbara, can you
ever forgive me?

Let me tell you in mime.

( romantic theme playing )

Oh, you guys have
great costumes.

Jenny's justice
and I'm her prisoner.

A prisoner of love, eh?

Come on, I saved you a table.

It's right here.

Okay. Here you go.
Have a good time.

Oh, thanks, Julie.

There you go.

Sit right down here and,
uh, I'll go get us some drinks.

Be right back.

( Roz and William laughing )

Happy?

Oh, yes.

What else can I buy you?

Oh, you know what I think? Yeah?

I think we ought to
buy a ship like this,

much smaller, of course,
with a crew of about 50.

WILLIAM: That's a wonderful
idea. We can sail all over the world.

We can even stop in
Cannes for the festival.

ROZ: But we don't
have a house in Cannes.

WILLIAM: So we buy one.

Oh, honey, you're
so sweet to me.

Well, what is love
all about, huh?

Here's your ginger ale.

You're an expensive date. Heh.

You okay?

Yes.

But I just heard the
saddest conversation.

A man and his wife,

and all he could talk about

was what he was
going to buy for her.

Yachts and houses.

It's what they thought
love was all about.

( sighs )

Promise we won't
ever be like that.

STEVE: Not much of
a chance on my salary.

( laughing )

( laughs )

To us.

Do you know I've
never liked John Wayne?

BOTH: Taffi's waving at me.

( spoon clinking )

It's a beautiful watch.

It's time.

( spoon clinking )

( mutters )

Excuse me.

Who's that girl
sitting over there?

Oh, that's Jenny Lang.

She's quite a girl.

It's a shame she's blind.

I think she sees
better than we do.

Meet me on the
fantail in five minutes.

Meet me on the
fantail in five minutes.

Well, I think I'd, uh...

Think I'd like to get a drink.

I'll get some air.

Miss McCoy, I told them
to stay with Miss Rogers.

Someone has got to see that
nothing happens to that jewel.

Miss Rogers, how
nice to see you.

Captain. Oh!

STUBING: What's going...?

( Roz screams )

WILLIAM: What are you doing?!

( people shouting, Roz screams )

STUBING: Put the lights back
on! This is the captain speaking.

Engineer, the lights!
Put the lights on!

I don't know.

Who stole my medallion?

Look, here they come.

Get ready, my friends,
to feast your eyes.

Ooh! No, no.

Nice going, genius.

Oh, Elwood, go take a swim.

The pool is closed.

I didn't have the pool in mind.

Go file your nails.

Go file your face.

Why are you all upset?

I think it's beautiful.

Mmm!

( suspenseful theme playing )

( sighs )

Thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes, that blind girl,

we need a character
like that in the movie,

a touch of reality.

It's not the movie
that needs reality,

it's us.

Yes, I'm afraid you're right.

What are we doing
this movie for, anyway?

We have all the
money we'll ever need.

All the material possessions.

We have so much,
and she has... Ooh.

Nothing?

Everything.

Everything that matters.

Humanity, warmth, love.

We could have love, Bill.

If all these things
didn't get in the way.

ROZ: I don't want things.

I want us.

( dramatic theme playing )

What are you going
to do with that?

Throw it in the ocean.

Let me do it.

Oh!

( gasps )

( romantic theme playing )

Hey, Doc, you know what?

Huh?

I don't think she's
gonna show up.

Let's give her
another five minutes.

( upbeat theme playing
) ( foghorn blowing )

( inaudible dialogue )

( indistinct chatter )

It worked, Cathy.

Just the way you said it would.

How can I ever thank you?

By holding onto him.

He's a pretty nice
guy. ( chuckles )

You're not so bad
yourself, you know.

All set.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Keep in touch.

Goodbye, Cathy.

Bye, Cathy. Bye-bye.

Well, I never thought
I'd be saying this,

but, uh, you have
terrific taste in women.

And even better taste in wives.

Hi, folks.

Hope you enjoyed your trip.

It was a real thrill.

Yeah, a real thrill.

I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

Well, uh, different
strokes for different folks.

Wait a minute.

Where's Ox?

Oh, you mean,
your... Your big friend?

Yeah.

Oh, he's gone already.

His chauffeur came on board

and picked up his
luggage first thing.

His chauffeur?

Yeah, well, I remember

because he couldn't
figure out whether

to go to his Malibu beach house,

the penthouse in town,

or to take his jet to the ranch.

TAFFI: He's rich.

He's loaded.

Plan E.

Yeah. Plan E?

It's the one right after D.

Goodbye. Very enjoyable.

Oh, I'm glad. Bye-bye.

Hi.

Oh, hello, Steve. Hi, Jenny.

Hello, Julie.

You'll never guess
what happened.

Oh, Steve proposed,
you accepted,

and the two of you
are getting married.

No.

No?

Jenny proposed, I accepted,

and we're gonna get married.

Oh, I think that's wonderful!

Congratulations.

Terrific. See you later.

STEVE: Bye-bye. Bye.

Can you, um, live without me

for a couple of hours?

No longer. ( chuckles )

Well, it was wonderful
having you aboard.

Thank you.

And I didn't mind losing
my shirt to save your jewel.

Oh, the diamond?

We threw that overboard.

What?

It was a fake.

The real one is in
the vault in our bank.

Couldn't take a chance
of having it stolen.

Oh, I don't blame you.

If I owned a rock like that,

I'd hold onto it
with both hands.

( both chuckle )

I used to think that too,

but holding onto it
really doesn't give you

that much happiness.

It's a bigger kick to let it go.

That's right.

We're donating it to charity.

I understand there's
a school for the blind

that does wonderful work.

Well, goodbye, Julie. Captain.

Bye. Goodbye.

Hope to see you again.

Goodbye, captain.

Bye.

See you in the movies.

Bye.

Bye.

You know, those
two really are stars.

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )