The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 18 - Last of the Stubings/Million Dollar Man/The Sisters - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

As you know, I don't usually
call these pre-cruise meetings,

but, uh, today is
a very special day.



A very happy day for me,

for today a future
Admiral Dewey,

a fledgling David Farragut,

a budding Chester Nimitz

begins his career at sea.

And who might that be, sir?

L. Courtney Stubing IV,

my nephew, that's who.

He's taking the cruise, sir?

Well, more than that.
He's working this cruise.

His family managed to get
him into Annapolis this fall,

and, uh, we are all
very proud of him.

Well, sir, what, uh, exactly
will Midshipman Stubing

be doing here on the Princess?

Everything. He'll
start at the bottom.

Mr. Smith, he will
begin working with you.

Well, I'm not exactly
at the bottom, sir.

You're close
enough for Courtney.

You'll like Courtney,
he's a real Stubing.

Thank you. That will be all.

A real Stubing.

Poor guy, he's just a kid
and already he's overbearing,

humorless and bald.

But I still don't feel right
about leaving the little ones.

Oh, they'll be fine, Rose.

Oh, how old are your children?

Oh, they're our cats.

WOMAN: We always board them

with the vet when we go away.

He's expensive, but he's good.

Well, you know what they
say: you get what you pay for.

I hope so, because this cruise

is costing us a fortune.

Oh, that's telling him.

I'll thank you, sir, to
mind your own business.

Noreen.

Thank you. Let's see...

Miss Badger and Mrs.
Higby, you're in F136.

That's on the Fiesta Deck.

Thank you. Let's go.

Uh, can I give you a hand
with that bag, my dear?

I'm not your dear.

And I don't need a hand.

I know my ticket's
in here somewhere.

Oh, take your time.

( sighs )

If you come across a bologna
sandwich, I missed lunch.

Rye or whole wheat?

Ha-ha. Oh. Here it is.

Oh, you see, a
place for everything

and everything in its place.

Uh, Stephanie Lewis, here:

"Aloha Deck, Cabin A357."

Oh, let me help you put
some of this stuff back.

I... I have a system.

If you will just hold
this underneath here...

open. Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, your pen. ( chuckles )

You must toss
one heck of a salad.

Thanks a lot. All
right. Have a nice trip.

Thank you.

Incredible.

Well, women's
purses are like that.

Hello, welcome aboard.

GOPHER: Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Welcome aboard, sir.
I'm the captain's uncle.

Uh, pardon me?

Oh, what'd I say?

I mean, Captain
Stubing's my nephew.

Oh, no.

Ah, you bicycle seat,
dog dish, vegetable...

Hey, take it easy.

Did I leave out grout brain?

Courtney.

Well, it's good to see you.

( Stubing groans )

Oh, no. I'm s... I'm
sorry, I didn't even...

Oh, grout brain.

STUBING: Uh, don't
worry about that, Courtney.

Uh, I'm as excited as you are.

( Stubing chuckles )

Welcome aboard.

This is a pleasure for me
and a great honor for my crew.

Well, Mr. Smith, he's all yours.

Enjoy him.

Ah.

So, uh, Courtney, why
don't we just get right to work.

Um, hey, have you
got a nickname?

Courtney's kind of
formal. A nickname?

Didn't they used to call
you something in school?

Oh, yeah. Zit face.

Ah.

So, Courtney, um,
why don't you just

watch what I do,
stand right by me.

Now, just b-be nice, say hello,

help the passengers with
their carryon luggage, you know,

you can do that falling
out of bed, right, big guy?

How do you know
I fall out of bed?

Right. Ahem.

Welcome aboard,
enjoy your cruise.

Welcome aboard,
enjoy your cruise.

Hello, we hope you
have a wonderful cruise.

Hello, we hope you
have a wonderful cruise.

Oh, help her with her bags.

Hi. Oh.

Hi, may I help you
with your bags?

Oh, thank you very mu...

I suggest we abandon ship.

Right.

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

ROSE: Maybe we'll
run into him there.

NOREEN: Who?

That good-looking
man we met in the lobby.

I think he liked you.

Rose, for heaven's
sakes, will you stop that?

You and the rest of the
family have been trying

to marry me off as
long as I can remember.

I'll bet you liked him too.

Can't you get it
through your head

that I'm happy the way I am?

We have a nice
house that's paid for,

and my business is doing well.

And we don't have to take orders

from some nitwit of a man.

They're not all nitwits.

My Fred, rest his
soul, was not a nitwit.

Well, your Fred
was an exception.

There are a lot of
other exceptions.

All I need are my friends

and lots of customers
for my dental laboratory.

No, you know what I need?

I need people with bad teeth.

And that's another reason

I'm not interested in
your "good-looking man."

Why?

He has all his own teeth.

I knew you liked him.

( sighs )

Rose.

( upbeat theme playing )

BRICKER: Pull.

( gunshot )

BRICKER: Pull.

( gunshot )

Hi. Hi.

You're good.

You're great.

Pull.

Ah. Wanna give it a try?

Oh, I don't know,
I got a bum wing.

Oh, this shotgun's pretty light.

BRICKER: Nothin' to it.

Okay.

Are you ready?

Okay, pull.

Pull.

Ah, you're right.
There was nothing to it.

I always did want to
be Angie Dickinson.

( adventurous theme playing )

Okay, Courtney. Now,
I have to deliver this.

Hold down the fort.

If anybody orders a
mixed drink, stall 'em.

I'll be right back.

You don't worry about a thing.

Yeah.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, Scotch, straight up.

Yes, sir.

So, what are your problems?

Huh?

Your problems?

I'm a bartender. Oh. Uh...

You're supposed to
tell me your problems.

( laughs )

I-I haven't got any problems.

Aw, come on. Don't you trust me?

I mean, I bet you tell

your regular
bartender the problems.

Or is it that I'm not
sensitive enough?

Well, let me tell
you, I am sensitive.

And I'm also understanding.

And I'm sympathetic.

Now, tell me your problems
or you don't get your drink.

But... But... Courtney.
Courtney, uh...

ISAAC: I'm sorry, sir.

What's the problem?

He claims he doesn't have one.

( sighs )

I... I'm very sorry about this.

Listen, sir, what
are you drinking?

Just, uh, Scotch.

Scotch, listen, on
the house, okay?

Look, two jackpots.
Count them, two.

The drinks are on me.

Now, don't tell me you're going

to spend up all your winnings.

Oh, easy come, easy go.

Now, what can
you get for $52.75?

Hm. One big hangover. ( laughs )

I'll have a small,
uh, orangeade.

I'll have a large Scotch.

Straight up?

No, on the rocks.

ISAAC: Mr. Tyler.
What you drinking?

TYLER: Nothing now, thanks.

Ignore him. It's too late.

He's coming over.

Why did you lead
him on like that?

Me?

Hello.

Clark Tyler, may I
have the pleasure?

Please. Certainly no... Please.

I'm Rose. Don't mind Noreen.

She thinks you're
after her money.

Oh, a gambling lady.

What's your pleasure?

To be left alone.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Isaac.

TYLER: You know,
cruises are to meet people.

You're the nicest
people I've met all day.

Oh? How do you
know we're so nice?

By your eyes.

Hm.

I go by teeth, myself.

I never trust a man
whose caps are too perfect.

Well, does that mean
you don't trust me?

Those are original equipment.

Well, how do you know?

She owns Badger's Dental Lab.

On La Brea, near 3rd,
the old Tyler building?

Yes.

Heh. I'm Old Tyler.

I built that building.

Oh, then you also built
the old sagging floor.

Noreen.

Oh, I've sworn to hang
you a thousand times.

I promise I'll fix that floor
as soon as I get back.

No, I couldn't sleep
nights thinking of a woman

with a beautiful face
and sagging floors.

( giggles ) Hmm.

Mr. Tyler, you're
something else.

It's Clark to you.

Since I can't fix
your floor now, uh,

maybe you could help
me do some damage

to the dance floor in
the Acapulco lounge.

Oh, I don't know... I do.

Go dancing.

Will you be all right?

Don't worry about me.

Okay.

( adventurous theme playing )

Look, Courtney,
don't take it so hard.

We can't all be bartenders.

We can't all be
cruise directors, either.

It's easy. Really.

Watch.

Hello, you look like
you could use a pillow.

Oh, thank you.
That's nice of you.

You, uh, doing anything tonight?

Uh-huh. Working till midnight.

What are you doing at midnight?

Going to bed with a good book

and a bourbon and water.

Would you believe
me if I told you

my name is Jack Daniels?

( laughs )

That's funny.

You look more like
Old Grandad to me.

( laughing ): Oh-ho-ho.

Heh-heh. Nice try.

You sure know how
to handle people.

Experience.

Well, are you ready
to try your wings?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Okay. Well, go to it.

( fanfare theme playing )

Hey, what the heck is...?
What...? What's going on?

I want to know if you're
having a nice cruise.

MAN: I beg your pardon?

COURTNEY: What's your name?

MAN: Why do you want to know?

It's my job.

I work for the ship.

Oh.

My name is Arthur Stark.

You look more like
Old Grandad to me.

( adventurous theme playing )

ISAAC: Let's see now,
you had one coffee, right?

Uh-huh.

Drinks for everyone.

On me. What's yours?

Ah, nothing, thanks.
I was just leaving.

Come on, humor an old man.

Who?

Me. I'm 83.

Take good care of myself.

Two champagne cocktails.

Well, you really do take
good care of yourself.

STEPHANIE: You know,
my mother always told me

never to have champagne
with a man before 10.

Unless, of course,
we're introduced.

Isaac.

You'll do the honors?

Sure, certainly.

Bill Thompson.

Bill Thompson.

Stephanie Lewis.

Stephanie Lewis.

Nice to meet you, Stephanie.

Nice to meet you too.

Listen, I'll go get the,
uh, champagne cocktails.

Thank you. Sure.

( sighs )

What happened to your arm?

Super Bowl.

I was, uh, fading back to
pass and got blind-sided.

I missed this year's game.

Okay, I'll guess.
Let's see, real estate?

Banking?

Water buffalo. My next guess.

I'm looking at
their mating habits.

Don't they get embarrassed?

Now, my turn.

You're a model.

No.

An astronomer.
Lithuanian royalty.

Oh, of course, I recognize you,

I've got all your stamps.

ISAAC: Ah, this sure beats
coffee as an eye opener.

Uh-huh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Isaac. Okay.

Well, here's to my
big career break.

You mean, you are
leaving a sure thing

like water buffalo? Hmm.

You don't really want to know.

Sure I do. Try me.

Oh, I was the, uh, vice
president of the biggest

brokerage house
in Los Angeles...

And they made you president.

And I quit.

Oh.

What do you do? Really?

Oh, I just sit around the palace

saying, "Heads will
roll, heads will roll."

BOTH: In Lithuanian of course.

Oh, it's gorgeous. Oh.

Here. Now, come on. Here we are.

Oh, thank goodness.

My head. Don't say
I didn't warn you.

Oh. Hey, you're up.

Oh, please. Not so loud.

Oh. Had too much to drink, huh?

Mm-hm.

I'm sorry, it was my fault.

Oh, you just
bought it. I drank it.

You know, there's nothing
wrong with you that a brisk walk

and a couple of
aspirin won't cure.

You've got to be kidding.

I never kid about brisk walks.

Sometimes I kid about aspirin.

Hm.

Now, come on, it'll do you good.

Will you be all right?

Oh, I'll be all right.

The question is:
will you be all right?

( groans )

I'll bring her back
in A-one condition.

No, I'll never be in
A-one condition again.

We'll be right back.

After all, how far
can you go on a ship?

Hm. You tell me.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Uh, Courtney, we
want to talk to you.

It wasn't my fault.

I swear I didn't know
that would happen

if I pulled that lever.

What lever?

Never mind, Courtney.
We don't want to know.

BRICKER: Courtney, there
are certain things you're gonna

have to learn if you
want a career at sea.

Oh, you guys. Haven't
you guessed it by now?

I don't want a career at sea.

I hate the sea. I hate ships.

Well, Courtney, have you
told your father and your uncle

and all those other
captains and admirals that?

Are you kidding?

I'm the last of the Stubings.

I got three sisters that live in
communes and make candles.

I've gotta go to sea.

Courtney, it's your life,

not your family's.

Tell them that. GOPHER:
Aw, come on, Courtney.

I'll bet if you wanted
to be a lawyer,

they'd be just as proud of you.

What do you want to do?

If I'll tell you, you'll laugh.

Mm-mm.

Yes, you will. Mm-mm.

No, we promise. Now, come on.

What could possibly
be that awful?

This.

You want to sell
children's pantyhose?

That's a leotard.

COURTNEY: Yeah.

I wanna be a ballet dancer.

( snickers )

I may be a lousy sailor,

but I'm gonna be one
hell of a ballet dancer.

You're really
serious, aren't you?

Yeah, I practice every
morning at 5:00 on Lido Deck.

Well, good for you.

BRICKER: Courtney, if you
wanna be a ballet dancer,

that's what you should be.

Right. Jump in with both feet.

Courtney, we're
with you all the way.

Well, thanks.

Glad you guys understand.

Now I have to tell my
father and my uncle.

They're gonna kill me.

The first of the Stubings
to be buried at sea.

Alive.

( adventurous theme playing )

MAN ( over speaker ): Luncheon is
now being served in the Coral dining room.

Are you wearing perfume?

Hm? Uh, yes.

You never wear perfume.

Well, it's such a
bargain onboard,

it seemed a shame not
to take advantage of it.

Oh, come on, Noreen.

You think I'm a fool?

You are obviously
wearing it because of him.

Who, him?

Oh, y-you mean Tyler?

Well, he means nothing to me.

Is that why you keep
looking around the room

to see if he's here?

Oh, really, Rose.

Oh, Noreen, I'm the
one who talked you

into going on this cruise.

I wanted you to meet
people, but frankly,

I think you're going
overboard for this Tyler person.

Now, there's all sorts of
interesting men on ship.

So why limit
yourself to just one?

I won't.

No, you're right. I won't.

Hey, girls.

They're, uh, showing
a great movie tonight.

You two wanna go? Uh, may I?

Of course.

Movie will be my treat.

Mm-hm. The last
of the big spenders.

It's free. Oh, well,

I'll spring for the
popcorn. You're on.

I've already seen
it, so has Noreen.

We saw it together.

Oh, well, I wouldn't
mind seeing it again.

Oh, come on,
Rose, I'm sure there's

something you missed
the first time around.

I'm pretty sharp, Mr. Tyler,

there's not much I miss.

( adventurous theme playing )

MAN: Place your bets,
ladies and gentlemen.

Place your bet.

That's number 36, red.

Change? Yes, sir.

Are you sure you want to gamble?

You just quit your
job, remember?

Don't worry. I got a system.

What's your birthday? ( sighs )

That's your system?

Let's see, you're
about, uh, 24, right?

Thanks. MAN: Place your bets.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Twenty-six, black.

Well, why don't we
just go pitch pennies.

Come on, one more
bet. What's your birthday?

December 17th.

Seventeen, it is.

MAN: Place your bet.

You'd have a better chance

going for a swim with an
anchor around your neck.

MAN: Seventeen, black.

Seven... Seventeen,
I don't believe it.

Basic birthday trick.

Okay, well, what do
you want to do now?

Celebrate.

Let's celebrate the, uh,
oldest way in the world.

Great, that's just
what I had in mind.

Great.

Let's go dancing.

( adventurous theme playing )

( soft music playing
over speakers )

Are you sure this
is the oldest way

in the world to celebrate?

I lied.

It's the second oldest way.

( romantic theme playing )

Where are you going?

I'm on A deck.

I'm on P deck.

Uh, pardon me.

Orangeade, right? Oh, no.

Uh, would you tell me what
time the movie gets out?

Oh, hours ago, ma'am.

Oh.

Oh, thank you. Sure.

Noreen, Noreen...

Excuse me, would
you please tell me

what, uh, room Mr. Tyler is in?

Thank you.

( majestic theme playing )

Coming.

( sighs )

Oh.

What's wrong, Miss McCoy?

Nothing, sir.

Good.

( sighs )

Is the ship sinking?

No, sir.

I'm sorry.

I never get up at 5 a.m.
if the ship isn't sinking.

Uh, there's something
I have to show you.

Oh. What is it?

You have to wait and see.

Oh, goody.

A surprise.

I love waking up to surprises.

It's Courtney, sir. Uh,
you have to come see him.

Courtney?

What's he doing?

Dancing.

( chuckles )

He tied one on
last night, I'll bet.

( chuckles )

Oh, Courtney's a real Stubing.

Uh, just come and see, sir.

I'll be with you
in five minutes.

Yes, sir, a real Stubing.

The thing about Courtney
is he's unpredictable.

He'll make a great admiral.

The enemy will never
know what to expect of him.

True, sir.

( sighs )

Oh, my God.

What's he doing?

His bar, sir. His bar?

You mean, he's doing
bal... Bal... Ballet.

Ballet?

Courtney Stubing?

That's right, sir.

( whimsical theme playing )

A dancing admiral.

Well, you see, sir, he
doesn't want to be a sailor.

He only wants to dance.

Well, uh, the... The
deck's a little slippery.

He's just warming up now.

Here we go.

Is this some sort
of practical joke?

That boy can't dance at all.

Well, I don't mean to say

that he's gonna make
people forget Nureyev.

He's not ready to watch Nureyev.

Courtney.

Courtney.

What were you doing?

Dancing. It's in my blood.

Wrong and wrong.

Now, take those ridiculous
pantyhose off, dry off,

and be on the
bridge at 0800 hours.

Is that clear?

I don't think so, Uncle Merrill.

I don't wanna be a sailor.
I'm not even nautical.

You do want to be a sailor,

and you will be on the
bridge at 0800 hours.

No.

I hate the sea and I hate ships

and I'm not too keen
about you either.

( majestic theme playing )

Good morning.

You're not kidding.

How would you like to
come with me to Rio?

The Rio? Yeah.

Rio de Janeiro?

I'm getting off the
boat at Mazatlán.

We'll catch a noon flight.

You're a lunatic. We just met.

So what?

You're the only
Lithuanian princess

I'll ever have the
chance to run away with.

I can't just up and go to Rio.

I have two books
checked out at the library,

I have to have my tires rotated,

my bowling league
is expecting me back.

You are serious, aren't you?

Mm-hm.

Is this a proposal
or a proposition?

Could we come back to that
when I'm a little wider awake?

It doesn't matter
which one it is.

I'm very flattered, but
to quote an old cliché:

"I don't know very
much about you."

I do know you
just lost your job.

What are you gonna do for money?

That isn't gonna be a problem.

It never is until
you don't have any.

I'll get by.

I don't think you can
collect unemployment in Rio.

I'm never gonna
have to work again.

Oh, I get it.

I'll be supporting us.

Why are you so
worried about money?

We can live on love. I do
love you, you know that.

I think I love you too.

How the hell can I
be in love with you?

We're total strangers.

What is there to decide?
I love you, you love me.

We'll just go off
into the sunset,

live happily ever
after. The end.

You left out one small point.

Money. Money.

How about a million?

A million?

A million what?

It's real. What did you do,

break the bank in Las Vegas?

I broke the bank in Los Angeles.

Did you embezzle it?

That's one way of putting it.

What's another way?

I stole it.

( sighs )

Stephanie. I love
you and I'm a thief.

( sighs )

I love you too,
Bill, and I'm a cop.

( dramatic theme playing )

L.A.P.D. 6943.

( scoffs )

I've arrested people
in plain clothes before,

but, uh, never this plain.

Hm. ( sighs )

Ahem. You have the
right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and
will be used against you.

I... I don't wanna
ruin your big moment,

but aren't you out
of your jurisdiction?

International waters?

You're a fleeing felon.

How'd you discover
so quickly that I took it?

What?

You followed me
on board. ( scoffs )

No, I was just on a holiday.

Yeah?

I broke my arm busting
a purse-snatcher.

The department just
gave me some R and R.

I knew you weren't
a quarterback,

you're not tall enough.

If you turn me in, it's
gonna cost you a lot

of paperwork, a lot of red tape.

I don't want to
ruin your vacation.

I have to do it, Bill.

It's my job.

Last night? That was your job?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

But I meant it when
I said I loved you.

I did too.

Isn't it awful early
to be going on duty?

Even for a cop?

It won't work, Bill.

You can't blame
a guy for trying.

I don't.

You know, those blue pajamas

don't really do
justice to your eyes?

What?

You know what color would
really look good on you? Green.

Have you ever wanted to
know what it would feel like

to be really rolling in dough?

Sure, lots of times.

Well, here's your big chance.

( upbeat theme playing )

( laughing )

You're crazy.

( majestic theme playing )

MAN ( over speaker ): Tours of
Mazatlán will be leaving in 20 minutes.

( knocking on door )

COURTNEY ( muffled ): Come in.

It's me.

Oh.

Courtney, I'm sorry.

I blew it, didn't I?

It's okay.

Uncle Merrill had to
find out some time.

I just thought he'd
change his mind

after he saw how
well you danced.

There's only one problem.

I don't dance well.

Well, that's a
matter of opinion.

Who can dance fantastically
with chairs and pools

and stuff to run into?

Thanks.

I know what I am: lousy.

"Lousy" is an
awfully strong word.

Rotten fits better.

Oh, I'm such a rat brain!

How could I say those
things to my Uncle Merrill

when all my whole life he's
done nothing but help me?

Then I turn on him.

( sighing ): Courtney...

you didn't show
up on the bridge.

Captain... I can
handle it, Miss McCoy.

I just wanted to
say... Thank you.

( door closes )

I'm sorry I said those
things to you, Uncle Merrill,

but don't worry, I'm
gonna make it up to you.

I'm gonna watch you
command this ship and...

And I'm gonna go to Annapolis,

and I'm gonna work
tremendously hard and...

Courtney.

I want you to answer a question.

Yes, Uncle Merrill?

Do you really hate the sea?

Worse than lima beans or liver.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't think you'd understand.

Heh. I understand.

My parents tried to
make me be a surgeon.

No way.

I'd faint if they served
me a rare steak.

Courtney, my boy,

you've gotta love
what you're doing in life

if you want to be happy.

So you do what you want to do.

Thanks, Uncle
Merrill. You're terrific.

Courtney...

you're a horrible dancer.

Well, that's why
I gotta work at it.

See, you hear the
call of the sea, Uncle,

I... I hear the
beat of the music.

Well, I guess you're just
dancing to a different drummer.

Maybe.

But I have to find
what it is I'm good at.

If I can't learn to be a
dancer, then, heh, who knows.

I may give the
sea one more shot.

That would make me very happy.

We'd better get
up on that bridge.

Are you coming?

If you'd like me to. Of course.

Just do me a favor.

What's that?

Don't wear your leotards.

Oh, there you are.

I've been looking
all over for you.

I've got the most
incredible thing to tell you.

What? That you
were out all night?

No.

Clark asked me to marry him.

I see.

Well, aren't you happy for me?

Have you lost your senses?
You hardly know the man.

Rose...

Don't tell me you're seriously
considering marrying him.

Well, I don't understand.

I thought you always said
you wanted me to get married.

Well, I do,

but marriage isn't something
you jump into with a total stranger.

Noreen, you have been
a spinster all your life.

You are an easy mark for
any man who smiles at you.

I hope you don't
mind my saying this,

but you are acting like a fool!

BILL: Sure you won't
change your mind?

( sighs )

I'm sorry, Bill.

You know, there are times
when I really hate being a cop.

This is one of 'em.

Well, that's good. I like
a girl with convictions.

Only, why'd it have to be you?

You know, I really
should tell the captain.

He should have confined
you to quarters or...

Or had you handcuffed or...

I can trust you, can't I?

I haven't taken advantage
of you so far, have I?

Okay.

Then, uh, when we
get back to Los Angeles,

you're gonna turn me in?

Why did you have to
turn out to be a cop?

Why did you have to
turn out to be a crook?

Don't you see? It
just wouldn't work out.

Nonsense.

I'm too independent.

But that's what I love
about you, Noreen.

We hardly know each other.

Marriage isn't something
you just rush into.

Oh, I've been
acting like a silly fool.

It's Rose, isn't it?

I can't leave her.

I'm all she's got in the
world. She needs me.

You're a good woman, Noreen,

I want you to know that if you
should ever change your mind,

I'll be waiting.

I love you.

I love you.

( mellow theme playing )

Julie?

Excuse me.

Bill's not down in
the card room either.

Oh?

Look, first you said he
was playing shuffleboard,

then you said he
was in the lounge.

Is this some sort of
wild goose chase?

Well, he asked
me not to tell you,

but he went ashore
a couple of hours ago.

What?

Well, he asked me where the
best jewelry store in town was.

I got the feeling he wanted
to buy you something.

Oh.

Hey, relax.

After seeing you two last night,

I think the guy's
crazy about you.

Yeah.

Well, he's got to be back soon.

We sail in another hour.

Do me a favor, please?

Don't tell him I told you,

because I think he
wants it to be a surprise.

No, I won't.

Thanks.

STUBING ( over
speaker ): Good afternoon.

We hope you've enjoyed
your day in Mazatlán.

Uh, Mr. Thompson hasn't
come back onboard yet, has he?

Uh, I don't see him.

Looks like we're
gonna sail without him.

Well, then could I use your
phone? I have to call L.A.

Well, the phones
are all disconnected

while we're in
port, ma'am. Sorry.

Well, is there a
phone on the dock?

Well, yes, but the gangway's up.

You'll have to wait
till we're at sea.

I'm sorry, ma'am. Yeah.

( sighs )

BILL: Darling, I love you,

but I've been planning
this for a long time.

If you're ever in
Rio, look me up.

Love, Bill.

( upbeat theme playing )

This'll be perfect
in the living room.

We'll put it on the mantel.

Noreen.

Sit down a minute.

What is it?

I've been thinking about
the way you've looked

the last couple of days.

It's not your usual look,

and I know that look.

It's the way I looked
when I first met Fred.

It's all over.

Don't stop me.
I've been selfish.

I was only thinking
about myself.

You love Clark, don't you?

Well, I've had my love,
and you must have yours.

I couldn't leave you,
Rose. You'd be alone.

In a way, I have been
alone ever since Fred died.

So I know what Clark must
mean to you if you really love him.

Oh, I do.

Well, then go to him.

I didn't order a
champagne cocktail, Isaac.

No, but the, uh, gentleman did.

Rio just wouldn't be
the same without you.

I'm still gonna
do what I have to.

I know.

Any chance you'll be
around when I get back?

Every chance.

You know that.

( romantic theme playing )

( majestic theme playing
) ( foghorn blowing )

ROSE: Well, you're very sweet

But when you think this
over, you're going to be sorry.

Rose, I won't hear
another word about it.

There's this whole big
guest house just sitting there.

I insist that you
come live with us.

Now, listen, you two,

don't you worry about me.

See, that's always
been my trouble.

Everybody's always
looking out for Rose.

First it was Daddy, then
Fred, and then you, Noreen.

It's time that I started
to take care of myself.

Well, how will you manage?

I'll run the business.

I was a pretty good dental
technician before I got married.

Besides, we've got the staff.

I won't need anything
except people with bad teeth.

Right.

WOMAN ( over speaker
): Ladies and gentlemen,

please don't forget
today is a holiday

and the banks are closed.

If you want to cash any checks,
please do it onboard the ship.

Bill, come here.

Can you get into
your office at night?

How do you think I got
that in the first place?

Well, today's a holiday.

We left Friday night,

so nobody knows
the money's missing.

Right.

So you could
take it back tonight.

Yeah.

And no one would know.

Yeah.

Only one small
problem. I'd know.

I'd know if I just took it back
I'd be involved in a cover-up,

and worse than that,
I'd be involving you,

a cop, in that cover-up.

Because you love me.

Bill... I'll take it back

and I'll tell 'em. Who knows?

Maybe they'll go easy on me.

I love you.

Well, you've got great taste.

Thanks for everything, guys.

I'm sorry I didn't turn
out to be a better sailor.

Oh, we're just glad you
don't have to be one any more.

ISAAC: It isn't gonna be the
same without you, Courtney.

Things in the bar
have been pretty dull.

Thank goodness. ( chuckles )

GOPHER: Good luck, Courtney.

Don't take any wooden tutus.

Goodbye, Courtney.

Oh, goodbye, Uncle Merrill.

I just want to tell you,

I'm gonna work as hard as I
can to be the best ballet dancer

in the world.

Or the best at something.

Well, whatever it is,

I know we'll all be
very proud of you.

Thanks.

ALL: Bye-bye.

( both chuckling )

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )