The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 17 - Winner Take Love/The Congressman Was Indiscreet/Isaac's History Lesson - full transcript
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
STUBING: Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen, and welcome aboard.
This is your captain speaking.
As a point of special
interest, during this cruise,
we will be selecting
a young lady
who will serve as
ambassadress at large
for the cruise
line for one year.
This lovely lady will be
one of five beautiful models
who will be joining us on
our three-day cruise to Mexico.
WOMAN: Buenas días. Buenas días.
( indistinct chatter )
Hi, and welcome.
MAN: Wait, wait, wait, here.
Ladies, ladies, just...
Just stay right there.
How do you do? How do you do?
I'm Waldo Linden
from head office.
I will be taking care of these
ladies while they're onboard.
It's a pleasure to meet...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
You may look, but don't touch.
Welcome aboard, Mr. Linden.
I'm Captain Stubing.
Ah, captain. A
pleasure to meet you.
Thank you. Uh, I understand
that you've agreed to be
the master of ceremonies
for our competition.
Um, I only hope it won't be, uh,
too much of an
imposition on your time.
Well, it's just part of my job.
( chuckles )
( clears throat )
Oh, excuse me. Allow me to
introduce our young women,
each an example of
looks, talent and brains.
( all chuckle ) This is Rita...
STUBING: Hello.
Nice to meet you.
WALDO: and Susie...
STUBING: Welcome
aboard. Oh, thank you.
Ah... Teresa... Nice to see you.
Hello.
WALDO: Alma... STUBING: Hello.
Jeanette. Good grief,
we've lost Jeanette.
I'll get her.
It's my ship.
Oh, hi! Hi!
( Jeanette laughing )
Oh! Oh...! Ooh!
This is so exciting!
I've only been on
this ship two minutes
and I've already won something.
What? The booby prize?
JEANETTE: Well, you see,
I went down the wrong gangway
and I ended up in
the engine room,
and the boys down there
voted me most likely to.
Most likely to what?
They didn't say.
Jeanette, you're going
to be the death of me.
What a way to go.
Robin Brant. Oh, Miss Brant.
Yes. You're in Room 108
on the Promenade Deck.
That's right up these
stairs and to the right.
Thank you. Mm-hm.
Smith. Uh, Jim Smith.
Yes, Mr. Smith, you're in Cabin
116 on the Promenade Deck.
That's right up those stairs.
Thank you. Mm-hm.
You'd think he'd come
up with something
a little more
imaginative than Smith.
Pardon me?
J.P. Whitcomb, the congressman.
You mean the one who...?
The one whose wife is divorcing
him because of the chorus girl.
Oh, you know, I heard the
House of Representatives
is considering impeaching him.
Yeah. His wife's throwing
him out of the house,
and the House is throwing
him out of the House.
He looks like a nice
guy. I feel sorry for him.
Yeah, well, you're the only
one in the whole world who does.
Where can I make a phone call?
In your cabin, but the
phones aren't operative
until we leave port.
Oh, okay. Oh, excuse me,
your seating for dinner?
Oh, yeah... Mr. Smith's
table will be just terrific.
( scatting )
♪ I'm wailin'
'Cause I'm sailin' ♪
Hoist the anchor without fear,
because Virgil Gibson is here.
Well, Mr. Gibson.
Welcome aboard.
That's it?
Ain't you gonna pipe me aboard?
Oh, we're sorry, sir.
We don't normally do that.
Oh, that's all right.
I'll pipe myself aboard.
( hoots )
♪ I'm takin' a cruise
To lose the blues ♪
♪ With a smile on my face
And a shine on my shoes... ♪
Excuse me... Excuse me.
But the rest of us would
like to come aboard.
VIRGIL: Oh, I'm sorry, sugar.
But you see, when
my jaw starts flappin',
my brain starts knockin'.
( scatting )
The other models are inside,
but you are by far
the most beautiful.
Models? Ha.
Sweetheart, I'm here
to work on my doctorate.
I'm not a piece of cheesecake.
Ooh, she don't like you
and she don't like me.
But lucky for us, there's
other fish in the sea.
Ha-ha! How!
♪ That's enough, McDuff
You've heard enough ♪
( doo-wops ) ( snaps fingers )
Isaac, oh-ho.
( all laugh )
Oh, wow. ( gasps )
Isn't this nice? Oh, great.
JEANETTE: Ah. Oh,
isn't this wonderful.
One whole cabin
for all three of us.
Yeah, we don't have
to share with anybody.
( Jeanette giggles )
You got great measurements:
36-24-36.
Zero.
Now, listen, Rita...
Hey, now come on, you two.
I'm gonna go throw confetti.
Me too.
Only I'm gonna be
throwing most of it at her.
( mischievous theme playing )
Guess who?
Rick! Oh!
Mwah! Oh... Well,
hey, tell me, young lady,
do you kiss every man
that sneaks into your room?
Only those that
I'm engaged to. Ah.
I was hoping that you'd
come to see me off.
Oh, I did better than that.
I bought a ticket.
( sighs ): Hey, that's great.
You don't seem
too thrilled about it.
Look, I just didn't want
anybody to know about us.
You know the rules
of the competition.
I'm supposed to be
unattached, free to travel.
I know all that, but
I just couldn't stand
to be away from you, that's all.
For three days?
Look, what if I win this thing?
I'd be gone for a year.
I guess I'll just have to
stow away in your trunk.
Rick, look, this is a
really big chance for me.
I'd get to do three
national commercials.
I mean, that's at least
$5,000. Hey, wait a minute.
What's more important:
commercials or me?
( sighs )
Five thousand dollars would be
an awfully nice wedding present.
Hm?
( tender theme playing )
Anybody ever tell you you'd
make a heck of an ambassadress?
( foghorn blows )
WOMAN: Bye-bye.
( all shout indistinctly )
( upbeat theme playing )
( phone ringing )
Yes?
Thank you.
Hello, Frank?
Listen, I think I got a
goody for the magazine.
Not what, who.
John P. Whitcomb.
He's here and Robin's got him.
Yeah, he's alone, but
he won't be for long.
( upbeat theme playing )
VIRGIL: Yeah, people
would come from miles around
just to buy my
peanuts at the ballpark.
BRICKER: Well,
that's incredible.
You mean you actually
saved enough money
to pay for this cruise by
selling peanuts at a ballpark?
No way. You make
peanuts selling peanuts.
( laughs )
I sold popcorn too.
( all laugh )
Of course, you had to
have a little showmanship.
Now, like if you was
to buy a bag of peanuts
and a bag of popcorn,
I'd throw in the hambone.
Oh, but who could eat that much?
Oh, honey, a hambone
ain't something you eat.
Hambone is something you do.
Why don't you show her.
I never could resist a
command performance.
So stand back and I'm
gonna give it a whack.
♪ Hambone, hambone
Where you been? ♪
♪ Been around the
world I'm goin' again ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
What do you say? ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone Every day ♪
♪ Zabba-debba-doe
So-dah-doo-bay ♪
( all laugh )
( all applaud )
Oh, no, no, that...
That's all right,
but I detect a distinct
Southeastern influence
in that particular rendition.
Now, back home in Oakland,
we have our own refinements.
Young man, I hear more
jawbone than I do hambone.
Is that so? Yeah.
Well, then, stand back.
( clears throat )
( tapping foot )
♪ Hambone, hambone Get on down ♪
♪ I do hambone To
the disco sound ♪
♪ Boogie with the
hambone Day and night ♪
♪ Hambone,
hambone Out of sight ♪
Out of sight.
( Virgil laughs ) ( all
cheer and applaud )
You realize, young man,
how many peanuts we
could have sold together?
( laughs )
Congressman Whitcomb?
You must be
mistaken. I couldn't be.
I'm one of your constituents.
Really? And you're
still talking to me?
I believe a man's private life
is nobody's
business but his own.
I wish the press
felt the same way.
Well, they're out
to sell newspapers.
What do they care about honesty?
Unfortunately,
there's a lot of people
that believe what they read.
I don't. I voted for you once,
and I intend to
vote for you again.
The way things are going,
you might not get a chance.
I'm sure I will.
Well, a vote of confidence
like that deserves a drink.
Would you care to
join me, Miss, uh...?
Brant. Robin Brant.
Robin Brant. That's very nice.
How about the,
uh, Starlight Bar?
Perfect.
Yes.
Uh, Mr. Linden... Ah, captain.
Have you been
going over your script?
Well, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about.
Uh, this is the first time
I've done this, and, uh,
I don't usually tell jokes.
There's nothing to worry about.
You'll be wonderful.
Well... Trust me.
I've written for all
the top comedians.
Bert Parks, Monty Hall.
All of 'em.
Got to get the girls ready.
( light-hearted theme playing )
Wow. Bert Parks.
( drumroll playing )
STUBING: "Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
"This afternoon we begin our
search for the young woman
"who will represent us
during the year ahead.
"She will be judged for her
beauty, poise and personality.
"And right now, if
our judges are ready...
"And I see that they are.
"we will begin by showing
you some of the cruisewear
"designed especially
for our shops onboard
"by Carita of California,
"modeled by our
five lovely ladies.
First: Miss Alma Hodges, 19."
( light applause )
( soft music playing )
( men whistling )
MEN: Whoa!
STUBING: "A sophomore
at Oklahoma A&M,
"she is studying
veterinary medicine.
You lucky dogs."
( laughter )
STUBING: "Now, next:
Miss Teresa Chen, 21,
from San Francisco."
( applause )
( men hoot and whistle )
STUBING: "She's a
student of Marine Biology,
"and I know a lot of
Marines who'd like
to study her biology."
( laughter )
( chuckles )
"Miss Susie Corbett, 22."
( applause )
( whistles )
"Susie is a Music major,
as you can tell from
her rhythm section."
( all laugh )
STUBING: "And now,
Miss Rita Almirez, 20."
( applause )
( men hoot and whistle )
STUBING: "A History student
from San Antonio, Texas.
"One look and you'll forget
the Alamo and remember Rita."
( all laugh )
STUBING: "And finally,
Miss Jeanette Arno, 22."
( applause )
( man whistles )
STUBING: "Jeanette
was the most popular
"girl at the University
of Nebraska,
"which is a remarkable
accomplishment
since she went to the
University of Oklahoma."
How about a big
hand for all of them.
( whistling and applause )
( whooping )
What did I tell you?
You were terrific.
Oh, yes. I was good, wasn't I?
Now, don't forget,
tonight is the modeling
of the evening gowns. Right.
Uh, get me the
script an hour early.
I want to punch it up.
( clears throat )
Well, Alma's a shoo-in.
Come on. Jeanette's got
"winner" written all over her.
And I hope it's in Braille.
( laughs )
I don't know. I'm betting
on the sister. Heh, heh.
She's not even
in the competition.
She may not be
in your competition,
but she is definitely in mine.
Excuse me, Mr. Gibson,
but would you teach me
how to do the hambone?
Why, sure, child.
You see, it goes like this:
♪ Hambone, hambone
Ain't so tough ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
That's enough ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
Make up a rhyme ♪
♪ I can do that anytime ♪
Oh! ( giggles )
Honey, you are a natural.
Is there anything
that I can get you?
Yes. Earmuffs.
Oh, we were just
having a little fun.
I have nothing against
anyone having fun.
I just don't think it's
necessary for that man
to make such a fool of himself.
Ooh... But that's
just Mr. Gibson.
I mean, he's a nice old dude.
Really? Mm-hm.
Then how long before he starts
strumming on the old banjo?
Ah... ( laughing )
I can only stay a minute.
Ah, well, that's
long enough for this.
( romantic theme playing )
I love you.
And I love you.
Hey, listen, how about tonight?
When your roommates are
asleep, you come and stay here.
Oh, Rick... I know.
I know the rules.
You're supposed to be brainy
and talented and beautiful and sexy,
but most of all you're
supposed to be moral, right?
Right.
Right.
It doesn't say
somewhere in fine print
that it's okay to be human?
Nope. No.
Hm. But I am.
Um... Ha, ha, ha.
I'll see you tonight.
That's my girl.
Mwah. Come on.
Hey, wait.
( dramatic theme playing )
Oh, I don't believe it.
Oh.
I'm... Ha. I'm sorry.
Uh...
Wow.
Look at all these
books on black history.
What are you trying
to do, rewrite Roots?
I'm working on my dissertation.
Dissertation?
Are you a teacher?
Well, you might say
I'm a teaching fellow.
Ah, none of the fellas I
knew ever looked like you.
( laughs )
That means I'm a
teaching assistant.
Ah, a teacher.
Boy, if I had a teacher
like you, I'd still be in school.
Oh, we never got to names.
I'm, uh, Isaac Washington.
Stephanie Hayden.
How do you do,
Stephanie Hayden? Ha.
"Slave Families of Virginia."
Well, this looks interesting.
Well, if you think the
cover's interesting,
you should read what's inside.
Does that mean
you'd loan it to me?
Mm-hm.
And I suggest you
start with Chapter 9.
Ah, okay, Teach.
Uh, when's the first test?
Oh, hey, Isaac, good.
Hey, how does that
hambone go again?
You know, this is the way
the old guy did it, but I want to...
Uh... Uh... Uh, Gopher,
later. Okay? Later.
Mr. Washington, please,
I never stand in the way
of higher learning.
Continue with your class
in Advanced Hambone.
Thank you.
Gopher, Gopher,
you are out of my will.
( upbeat theme playing )
Frank.
Frank, I haven't called you
because I haven't
got anything to tell you.
Yes, I know who Nicki
is. Whitcomb's girlfriend.
I don't care if she is gonna
spill her guts in
somebody's column.
It's gonna take a little time
to find out if Whitcomb's wife
is gonna divorce him,
or if he's gonna resign before
Congress throws him out.
Just give me a
little time, Frank.
An hour isn't exactly the kind
of time I had in mind, Frank.
Frank?
( line disconnects )
( receiver clatters )
( light dinner music playing )
Dinner was terrific, wasn't it?
Yes.
It's funny too, because
I came on this cruise
to get away from
people, and now...
Oh, well, listen, everybody
needs someone to talk to.
It's just that ever since
my relationship with Nicki...
The dancer? ( sighs )
I'm sorry.
I haven't had a moment's
peace since that story broke.
My entire life has been examined
and re-examined, investigated,
probed.
No one's life can live
up to that kind of scrutiny.
Well, we all make mistakes.
I never said I made a mistake.
Look, how would you feel
if right now on this ship
there was a reporter watching us
together holding hands...
Saw me kissing you?
Tomorrow the
headlines would say,
"Congressman and His Conquest
Seen Living It Up
On the Love Boat."
( drumroll )
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
This evening our
beautiful models
will be showing you
some of the eveningwear
designed especially for
us by Carita of California.
( applause )
Thank you.
But, uh, before we begin:
a funny thing happened to me
on the way to the
Acapulco Lounge tonight.
I saw a passenger standing
on the deck going like this:
( snapping )
I said, "What are
you doing that for?"
He said, "It keeps
the elephants away."
I said, "Elephants?
We never had an
elephant on this ship."
He said, "You
see that? It works."
( all laugh )
( Stubing guffaws )
It's one of my favorites.
I got a million of 'em.
( Stubing laughs )
I've created a monster.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
comes the poise
portion of the competition.
Whoever is selected
to be our ambassadress
will be required to
deal with the press
and the dignitaries
of foreign countries.
Now, to see how
she thinks on her feet,
we'll ask each young
woman to answer
one completely
impromptu question.
Jeanette.
Oh, yes.
In 15 seconds, please tell us
what is your goal in life?
Oh, well,
I would like to bring all the
people in the whole world
together,
so that they can live
together in harmony
and they can love
together forever.
Do I have any time left?
Hm? Oh, uh, two seconds.
Together.
Thank you, thank
you. ( all applaud )
( upbeat theme playing )
You know, I want to apologize.
All I've done since we met
is talk about me and
about my troubles.
Listen, you need to get it out.
Sometimes it's easier to
do with a perfect stranger.
Ah, you're not a stranger.
What you are is the
first person I've met so far
that's interested in
my side of the story.
You see,
my wife and I were
planning to get divorced
before Nicki came along.
There were no ugly
moments, no bad times.
It's just that my
life was politics,
and she couldn't handle it.
The traveling, the campaigns.
We lived separate lives.
But we were, and
still are, good friends.
When this thing
with Nicki happened,
the press made it look
like I was leaving my wife
for some chorus girl.
Then it was love?
It was love.
But it didn't work.
Big deal.
The worst part of it
was, is I was working
on a piece of tax reform
legislation at the time.
It was a bill that
would have benefited
millions of Americans.
Now the whole thing is in doubt
because of this cloud
hanging over my head.
I never heard anything
about a tax reform bill.
No, and you won't.
People are more interested
in sensation than legislation.
But you have to get
your side of the story out.
No, no.
I just gotta get out
before they throw me out.
Resign? But, John...
It's a losing battle.
I'm tired of fighting.
Maybe it would be different if
you weren't fighting all alone.
( upbeat theme playing )
Rick, do you think we should?
No, I don't think we should.
But I know we're gonna.
Well, what if
somebody finds out?
Nobody's gonna find out.
Now, come on. Get in.
( dramatic theme playing )
( soft romantic theme playing )
Rick, you're gonna
think I'm crazy,
but I can't go
through with this.
You what? Um, I-I
can't stay here tonight.
It would be dishonest.
But, Susie, I mean...
Look, please, try and
understand, okay?
We'll see each other tomorrow.
But, I... Uh, Sus... Susie.
Susie. Rick, no.
Susie, wait... You
see, I told you.
Um, Waldo, I can explain.
It doesn't mean... Miss Corbett,
I am sorry to say
that you're guilty
of conduct unbecoming
a possible ambassadress
for the Princess lines.
You are hereby disqualified
from the competition.
( gasps )
Baby, I'm sorry.
Oh...
I told you.
Well...
good night.
Good night.
( tender theme playing )
Will I see you in the morning?
You bet.
( telephone rings )
Hello?
Ah, come on, Frank.
I thought you were
gonna give me some time.
Yes, his wife is
going to divorce him,
but they've been talking
about divorce for a long time.
No, I don't know the details.
The chorus girl
thing is over, but...
Frank, you're pressuring me.
Yes, I think he's
going to resign,
but, now, don't print that.
Look, there's a lot more
to this. I'll tell you what:
I will call you first
thing in the morning
with a full story. All right?
Okay, I will talk to you then,
and don't print anything, Frank.
( line disconnects )
( dramatic theme playing )
( majestic theme playing )
( melancholy theme playing )
"And God stepped out on space,
"and He looked
around "and He said...
"I'm lonely, and I'll
make me a world."
James Weldon Johnson.
Our ancestors made the crossing
below the deck in shackles.
They never got
to see any of this.
( sighs )
That's heavy.
But is that all you
can think of right now?
What do you mean?
Well, I'm thinking
about this night.
The moon, the stars,
the sea and you.
( scoffs )
Isaac,
I'm trying to get you
serious about our people,
not get you serious about me.
( romantic theme playing )
( laughs )
It always worked
in grammar school.
Isaac.
( people singing
"Camptown Races" )
( scatting )
( sighs )
Thanks for the apple.
ALL: ♪ Doo-da, doo-da ♪
♪ Camptown racetrack's
Five miles long ♪
♪ Doo-da, doo-da-day ♪
♪ Gonna sing all night ♪
( all continue
singing indistinctly )
( scoffs )
( melancholy theme playing )
( mellow upbeat theme playing )
Jeanette?
Jeanette, you called for me?
What's the emergency?
Oh, Waldo.
I can't get my zipper done up.
You called me for a zipper?
Mm-hm.
Why didn't you
call one of the girls?
Well, you're in
charge, aren't you?
Oh, please.
( sultry them playing )
I have a little itch right
in the middle of my back.
Could you scratch
it for me, please?
Scratch it?
Please.
Here?
Lower.
Lower?
Lower.
Jeanette, Jeanette,
you're making me crazy.
Waldo, I'm surprised at you!
What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
Why, you burst in here
while I'm half-naked
and try to take
advantage of me. Huh.
( majestic theme playing )
Stephanie, this
book is incredible.
It... It makes me
realize how little I know.
But now you know more
than you did yesterday.
You see, we do have a
past we can be proud of.
We have a rich
and valuable culture.
It's up to us to let people
know about our poets
and philosophers, our
soldiers and scientists,
instead of perpetuating
these stereotypes.
You mean Mr. Gibson? Exactly.
We have to let people know
that we're not just entertainers.
We have more to do
with our lives than dance.
Yeah, but Stephanie,
Mr. Gibson, he's a nice old guy.
Isaac, he's the type of man who
makes it harder for you and me.
People think all
blacks are like that.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. Oh, my head.
Is there a doctor on this ship?
Oh, your eyes look real good.
You should see 'em from my side.
( chuckling ): Isaac, man,
we had a ball last night.
Oh, Mr. Gibson knows
how to show us a good time.
Whoo! ( laughs )
Yeah. You should
have been there, man.
I have more important things
to do with my life than dance.
Ooh.
( upbeat theme playing )
( sniffles )
Come on, baby,
don't be depressed.
So you got disqualified.
Maybe it's the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Hey, we don't have
to pretend anymore.
Susie, I've got it. Mm-hm.
Look, we're in Ensenada. Yeah.
Let's get off the
ship and get married.
Right now. What do you say?
Really?
And we'll have our
honeymoon here on the ship.
Oh, honey.
Let's. Okay.
Oh.
That's better. Mm.
Are you decent?
So decent. We're
gonna be married.
Oh, wonderful.
And do I have a great
wedding present for you.
You're back into
the competition.
What?! Yeah.
Oh, Jeanette, you're kidding me!
See, like, uh, Waldo and I
had kind of a
heart-to-heart talk.
Yeah? And I convinced him
that your moral standards
were just as high as his.
Oh, Rick, honey,
can you believe that!
Mwah. I'm back in.
Oh, Jeanette. Oh!
I can't believe it.
( both speaking indistinctly )
( mellow theme playing )
Thank you.
Certainly.
( soft piano music playing )
Stephanie...
( cork pops )
- -I want you to try this.
A peso for your thoughts?
There's something
I wanna tell you,
and I don't know quite
how to put it into words.
Oh. Two pesos?
I think you may have
to throw in a piña colada.
Ha-ha. You got it.
I'm falling in love with you.
I feel the same way, Robin.
Boy, we've got great timing.
I mean, if you involve
yourself with me now, you're...
You're putting yourself
right in the firing line.
I don't care. I believe in you.
I wanna be with you.
Stateside papers, just flown in.
Uh, you have the Times?
Yeah.
John, I can help
you in this fight.
I've got connections in
the newspaper business.
Oh, why don't I just
come right out and say it?
I'm a reporter.
You're a what?
Do you have a
copy of Scuttlebutt?
Uh, yes, ma'am.
This is the paper I work for.
Oh, really?
Oh, my God. What?
What's the matter?
"Whitcomb Quits, Dancer Splits.
"Exclusive.
"John P. Whitcomb will
end his political career
"by throwing in the towel,
according to a source
aboard the Pacific Princess."
( sighs )
You'd think I'd learn.
John, wait.
Oh, Miss Brant, there's a
long-distance phone call for you
from a Mr. Frank Davis
of Scuttlebutt
newspaper in New York.
Tell him I just quit. Wh...?
Wait a minute. Why
should you have all the fun?
I'll tell him myself.
( majestic theme playing )
( jazzy dance music playing )
You're just the
two I'm looking for.
You see, I'm having a party
down in my cabin a little later on,
and I'd like for you folks
to be in on the festivities.
Thank you, but no thanks.
Yeah, you better
count me out too.
Whatever you say, boss.
I'm not your boss.
I'm your boss, and I'd like
to have a word with you.
Uh, captain, it's time to
start the talent contest.
Uh, I'll speak to
you after the show.
Now, here's your script.
I can ad lib better than that.
Isaac, what's the
matter with you?
I thought you liked Mr. Gibson.
Why are you turning on him?
Let me put it this way.
I've seen about all the
shuffling I can handle.
( drum roll )
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the talent contest
and the final judging.
This is part of the competition
which allows our judges
to see a different facet
of our young ladies.
The ability to be
in the spotlight.
( drum roll )
STUBING: Which reminds me,
my mother-in-law was
in a talent show once,
she was the only one in it.
She came in second.
( laughter )
Thank you. Thank you.
And now, without further ado,
Miss Alma Hodges
will sing for us
"The Bell Song" from Lakmé.
( applause )
( singing aria )
You know, she told me she
never had a lesson in her life.
( drum roll )
( flamenco music playing )
( applause )
Where the beavers
built their lodges.
Where the squirrels
hid their acorns.
He talked with them
wherever he met them.
And he called them
Hiawatha's brothers.
( applause )
( playing classical music )
( stops playing )
( applause )
Wow, she's terrific.
GIBSON: Yeah, she
looks like a winner to me.
And the winner
is... ( drum roll )
"Miss Susie Corbett."
( all squealing )
That's so great.
( applause )
Thank you. Thank
you, everybody. Um...
I... I really can't
believe I've won.
Um, a moment ago I thought
representing the Princess lines
was the most important
thing in the world,
but I've realized
there's something
much more important to me,
and he's walking out
of the room this minute.
I'm very grateful that
you've chosen me,
but rather than being your
ambassadress for a year,
I'd rather be Mrs. Rick
Leonard for the rest of my life.
( applause )
Well, what can you say.
They do call this the Love Boat.
( laughs )
Thank you.
Our new ambassadress
will be the first runner-up,
and she is... ( drum roll )
Miss Jeanette Arno. ( yelling )
( applause )
( majestic theme playing )
( melancholy theme playing )
Robin, I want to apologize.
You want to apologize?
But I'm the one who... No.
Julie told me that you quit
your job because of me.
Oh, it wasn't just
because of you.
It was because Frank
Davis double-crossed me.
He wasn't supposed to
print that pack of half-truths.
I wanted him to print
your side of the story,
and I'm glad I quit. No.
I want you to get your job back.
What? That's right.
I'll need someone in
the press to help me
when I go back
to fight this thing.
When we go back
to fight this thing.
Oh, John.
( majestic theme playing )
Oh, captain, I'm on my
way to Mr. Gibson's party.
Are you coming
now? Uh, in a minute.
You go ahead. Oh, all right.
Isaac.
I, uh... I've noticed
that you're reading
a lot of black history lately.
Yes, I loaned him the books.
Oh. Well, then, I'm
glad you're here.
You see, a little knowledge
is a dangerous thing.
You two have had
your noses buried
so deeply in the history books,
that you missed seeing
some living black history
in the person of a
certain peanut vendor,
named Virgil Gibson.
Or perhaps you'd know him better
if I called him
Scattergun Gibson.
You mean he's Scattergun Gibson?
That's right.
Who's Scattergun Gibson?
Only the greatest pitcher
the Negro League ever had.
They used to say that he
could pitch the ball so fast
that it crossed the plate
before its shadow did.
I saw him pitch
when I was a kid.
It was an exhibition game
against the Brooklyn Dodgers.
( chuckles )
He mowed 'em down like
they were Little Leaguers.
I'd never seen anything like it.
But, captain, if he's
such a great black athlete,
why does he bother to
tap dance for everybody?
STUBING: Because in his day
that's what you had
to do to get along.
You not only had
to be a great athlete,
but, well, you had
to make people laugh
while you were beating them.
But that was then.
Today is different.
Young lady, you're
darn right it's different.
It's because of men like
him that there are blacks
playing in the
major leagues today.
( poignant theme playing )
And tending bar on ships.
And teaching
history in colleges.
( sighs )
Captain.
Where is that party?
Follow me.
( applause, laughter )
BRICKLER: Tell about the
time you struck out Babe Ruth.
Oh, yeah. Uh, which time?
You mean you struck
him out more than once?
Does a peanut come in a shell?
( laughs )
( knocking on door )
Come in.
Hi, captain. Scattergun.
Uh, hello there, youngsters.
Hi. Hi.
Now I recall the first time
the Babe and I ever
faced one another.
It was in 1932.
An exhibition game
at the Yankee Stadium.
We're leadin' the
Yanks one to nothin'
goin' into the
bottom of the ninth.
One out, and a man on first,
then the Babe
steps up to the plate.
So I calls out to him.
I said, "Mr. Ruth,
"I want to take this
opportunity to apologize
for what I'm about
to do to you."
Oh, no. And he yells back:
"Just throw the
ball, kid." And I did.
Three times.
Ha.
He never seen one of 'em.
( laughs )
Well, the Babe walks
out to the mound,
still got his bat in his hand.
But you know what he said?
He said, "The way the world is,
"you ain't never
gonna be in the majors,
"but I want you to know this:
you are the best there is."
Then he shook my hand
and walked off the field.
Wow. That's great.
You beat the Yankees.
No.
Lou Gehrig come up
next and hit a home run.
( all laughing )
Uh, Mr. Gibson?
We... We owe you an apology.
Oh, don't be shaken.
No offense made and none taken.
STEPHANIE: Mr. Gibson.
Scattergun.
We both behaved very rudely
to you and we're sorry for it.
You know, I've been
studying black history
for the last five years,
but there seems to be a
big gap in my education.
What's that?
I never learned to
do the hambone.
Would you teach me?
Would I teach you?
Okay.
♪ Hambone, hambone,
Sing the song ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone,
All night long ♪
♪ Come on, baby,
It's your turn ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
You're gonna learn ♪
( all singing indistinctly )
( majestic theme playing )
Well, I guess I'll see
you at the wedding, huh?
Yes. Oh, I'm so
excited for you guys.
Hey, I'm really excited for
you too. What are your plans?
Well, I guess I'll be
pretty busy, you know,
traveling around and
making commercials, and...
And then at the end of the
year, I'm gonna marry Waldo.
( giggling )
You and Waldo?
( scoffs )
He doesn't know it yet,
but that man is one
heck of a back-scratcher.
( laughing )
MAN: I think we ought
to check the boiler while...
( all talking indistinctly )
Oh, goodbye, Miss
Brant and Mr. Smith.
It's Whitcomb.
Congressman Whitcomb.
I know.
Oh. Well, bye-bye now.
Thank you very
much for everything.
Good luck. Thank you. Goodbye.
There she is. Jeanette,
where have you been?
Oh. Mwah.
Oh, okay, everybody. Let's go.
Captain, thank you for
being a wonderful emcee.
Well, it was fun,
but for me it was
just a one-time thing.
Ah, you don't happen to know
the name of a good agent, do you?
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Thank you. STUBING:
Goodbye, girls.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Congratulations. Susie,
have a wonderful wedding.
Thank you. Goodbye, Rick.
Goodbye, Susie. Bye-bye, Rick.
Mr. Gibson, can I
offer you a ride home?
Dear one, just
call me Scattergun,
because it's true, I'd
go anyplace with you.
Scattergun, is it true
you could throw a grape
through the hole of a
doughnut at 60 feet?
Don't be ridiculous.
You see, that's one
of those tall stories
that get taller every year.
It was a raisin.
( all laughing )
Stephanie, I hope I'm
gonna see more of you.
I really dig you.
Isaac, not in front
of all these people.
That's perfectly all right.
We're just one big happy family.
Yeah. Uh, Dad. Could
I use the ship tonight?
( all laughing )
Captain won't lend
you the ship tonight.
Captain won't lend
you the ship tonight.
( majestic theme playing )
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
STUBING: Good afternoon, ladies
and gentlemen, and welcome aboard.
This is your captain speaking.
As a point of special
interest, during this cruise,
we will be selecting
a young lady
who will serve as
ambassadress at large
for the cruise
line for one year.
This lovely lady will be
one of five beautiful models
who will be joining us on
our three-day cruise to Mexico.
WOMAN: Buenas días. Buenas días.
( indistinct chatter )
Hi, and welcome.
MAN: Wait, wait, wait, here.
Ladies, ladies, just...
Just stay right there.
How do you do? How do you do?
I'm Waldo Linden
from head office.
I will be taking care of these
ladies while they're onboard.
It's a pleasure to meet...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
You may look, but don't touch.
Welcome aboard, Mr. Linden.
I'm Captain Stubing.
Ah, captain. A
pleasure to meet you.
Thank you. Uh, I understand
that you've agreed to be
the master of ceremonies
for our competition.
Um, I only hope it won't be, uh,
too much of an
imposition on your time.
Well, it's just part of my job.
( chuckles )
( clears throat )
Oh, excuse me. Allow me to
introduce our young women,
each an example of
looks, talent and brains.
( all chuckle ) This is Rita...
STUBING: Hello.
Nice to meet you.
WALDO: and Susie...
STUBING: Welcome
aboard. Oh, thank you.
Ah... Teresa... Nice to see you.
Hello.
WALDO: Alma... STUBING: Hello.
Jeanette. Good grief,
we've lost Jeanette.
I'll get her.
It's my ship.
Oh, hi! Hi!
( Jeanette laughing )
Oh! Oh...! Ooh!
This is so exciting!
I've only been on
this ship two minutes
and I've already won something.
What? The booby prize?
JEANETTE: Well, you see,
I went down the wrong gangway
and I ended up in
the engine room,
and the boys down there
voted me most likely to.
Most likely to what?
They didn't say.
Jeanette, you're going
to be the death of me.
What a way to go.
Robin Brant. Oh, Miss Brant.
Yes. You're in Room 108
on the Promenade Deck.
That's right up these
stairs and to the right.
Thank you. Mm-hm.
Smith. Uh, Jim Smith.
Yes, Mr. Smith, you're in Cabin
116 on the Promenade Deck.
That's right up those stairs.
Thank you. Mm-hm.
You'd think he'd come
up with something
a little more
imaginative than Smith.
Pardon me?
J.P. Whitcomb, the congressman.
You mean the one who...?
The one whose wife is divorcing
him because of the chorus girl.
Oh, you know, I heard the
House of Representatives
is considering impeaching him.
Yeah. His wife's throwing
him out of the house,
and the House is throwing
him out of the House.
He looks like a nice
guy. I feel sorry for him.
Yeah, well, you're the only
one in the whole world who does.
Where can I make a phone call?
In your cabin, but the
phones aren't operative
until we leave port.
Oh, okay. Oh, excuse me,
your seating for dinner?
Oh, yeah... Mr. Smith's
table will be just terrific.
( scatting )
♪ I'm wailin'
'Cause I'm sailin' ♪
Hoist the anchor without fear,
because Virgil Gibson is here.
Well, Mr. Gibson.
Welcome aboard.
That's it?
Ain't you gonna pipe me aboard?
Oh, we're sorry, sir.
We don't normally do that.
Oh, that's all right.
I'll pipe myself aboard.
( hoots )
♪ I'm takin' a cruise
To lose the blues ♪
♪ With a smile on my face
And a shine on my shoes... ♪
Excuse me... Excuse me.
But the rest of us would
like to come aboard.
VIRGIL: Oh, I'm sorry, sugar.
But you see, when
my jaw starts flappin',
my brain starts knockin'.
( scatting )
The other models are inside,
but you are by far
the most beautiful.
Models? Ha.
Sweetheart, I'm here
to work on my doctorate.
I'm not a piece of cheesecake.
Ooh, she don't like you
and she don't like me.
But lucky for us, there's
other fish in the sea.
Ha-ha! How!
♪ That's enough, McDuff
You've heard enough ♪
( doo-wops ) ( snaps fingers )
Isaac, oh-ho.
( all laugh )
Oh, wow. ( gasps )
Isn't this nice? Oh, great.
JEANETTE: Ah. Oh,
isn't this wonderful.
One whole cabin
for all three of us.
Yeah, we don't have
to share with anybody.
( Jeanette giggles )
You got great measurements:
36-24-36.
Zero.
Now, listen, Rita...
Hey, now come on, you two.
I'm gonna go throw confetti.
Me too.
Only I'm gonna be
throwing most of it at her.
( mischievous theme playing )
Guess who?
Rick! Oh!
Mwah! Oh... Well,
hey, tell me, young lady,
do you kiss every man
that sneaks into your room?
Only those that
I'm engaged to. Ah.
I was hoping that you'd
come to see me off.
Oh, I did better than that.
I bought a ticket.
( sighs ): Hey, that's great.
You don't seem
too thrilled about it.
Look, I just didn't want
anybody to know about us.
You know the rules
of the competition.
I'm supposed to be
unattached, free to travel.
I know all that, but
I just couldn't stand
to be away from you, that's all.
For three days?
Look, what if I win this thing?
I'd be gone for a year.
I guess I'll just have to
stow away in your trunk.
Rick, look, this is a
really big chance for me.
I'd get to do three
national commercials.
I mean, that's at least
$5,000. Hey, wait a minute.
What's more important:
commercials or me?
( sighs )
Five thousand dollars would be
an awfully nice wedding present.
Hm?
( tender theme playing )
Anybody ever tell you you'd
make a heck of an ambassadress?
( foghorn blows )
WOMAN: Bye-bye.
( all shout indistinctly )
( upbeat theme playing )
( phone ringing )
Yes?
Thank you.
Hello, Frank?
Listen, I think I got a
goody for the magazine.
Not what, who.
John P. Whitcomb.
He's here and Robin's got him.
Yeah, he's alone, but
he won't be for long.
( upbeat theme playing )
VIRGIL: Yeah, people
would come from miles around
just to buy my
peanuts at the ballpark.
BRICKER: Well,
that's incredible.
You mean you actually
saved enough money
to pay for this cruise by
selling peanuts at a ballpark?
No way. You make
peanuts selling peanuts.
( laughs )
I sold popcorn too.
( all laugh )
Of course, you had to
have a little showmanship.
Now, like if you was
to buy a bag of peanuts
and a bag of popcorn,
I'd throw in the hambone.
Oh, but who could eat that much?
Oh, honey, a hambone
ain't something you eat.
Hambone is something you do.
Why don't you show her.
I never could resist a
command performance.
So stand back and I'm
gonna give it a whack.
♪ Hambone, hambone
Where you been? ♪
♪ Been around the
world I'm goin' again ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
What do you say? ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone Every day ♪
♪ Zabba-debba-doe
So-dah-doo-bay ♪
( all laugh )
( all applaud )
Oh, no, no, that...
That's all right,
but I detect a distinct
Southeastern influence
in that particular rendition.
Now, back home in Oakland,
we have our own refinements.
Young man, I hear more
jawbone than I do hambone.
Is that so? Yeah.
Well, then, stand back.
( clears throat )
( tapping foot )
♪ Hambone, hambone Get on down ♪
♪ I do hambone To
the disco sound ♪
♪ Boogie with the
hambone Day and night ♪
♪ Hambone,
hambone Out of sight ♪
Out of sight.
( Virgil laughs ) ( all
cheer and applaud )
You realize, young man,
how many peanuts we
could have sold together?
( laughs )
Congressman Whitcomb?
You must be
mistaken. I couldn't be.
I'm one of your constituents.
Really? And you're
still talking to me?
I believe a man's private life
is nobody's
business but his own.
I wish the press
felt the same way.
Well, they're out
to sell newspapers.
What do they care about honesty?
Unfortunately,
there's a lot of people
that believe what they read.
I don't. I voted for you once,
and I intend to
vote for you again.
The way things are going,
you might not get a chance.
I'm sure I will.
Well, a vote of confidence
like that deserves a drink.
Would you care to
join me, Miss, uh...?
Brant. Robin Brant.
Robin Brant. That's very nice.
How about the,
uh, Starlight Bar?
Perfect.
Yes.
Uh, Mr. Linden... Ah, captain.
Have you been
going over your script?
Well, that's what I
wanted to talk to you about.
Uh, this is the first time
I've done this, and, uh,
I don't usually tell jokes.
There's nothing to worry about.
You'll be wonderful.
Well... Trust me.
I've written for all
the top comedians.
Bert Parks, Monty Hall.
All of 'em.
Got to get the girls ready.
( light-hearted theme playing )
Wow. Bert Parks.
( drumroll playing )
STUBING: "Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.
"This afternoon we begin our
search for the young woman
"who will represent us
during the year ahead.
"She will be judged for her
beauty, poise and personality.
"And right now, if
our judges are ready...
"And I see that they are.
"we will begin by showing
you some of the cruisewear
"designed especially
for our shops onboard
"by Carita of California,
"modeled by our
five lovely ladies.
First: Miss Alma Hodges, 19."
( light applause )
( soft music playing )
( men whistling )
MEN: Whoa!
STUBING: "A sophomore
at Oklahoma A&M,
"she is studying
veterinary medicine.
You lucky dogs."
( laughter )
STUBING: "Now, next:
Miss Teresa Chen, 21,
from San Francisco."
( applause )
( men hoot and whistle )
STUBING: "She's a
student of Marine Biology,
"and I know a lot of
Marines who'd like
to study her biology."
( laughter )
( chuckles )
"Miss Susie Corbett, 22."
( applause )
( whistles )
"Susie is a Music major,
as you can tell from
her rhythm section."
( all laugh )
STUBING: "And now,
Miss Rita Almirez, 20."
( applause )
( men hoot and whistle )
STUBING: "A History student
from San Antonio, Texas.
"One look and you'll forget
the Alamo and remember Rita."
( all laugh )
STUBING: "And finally,
Miss Jeanette Arno, 22."
( applause )
( man whistles )
STUBING: "Jeanette
was the most popular
"girl at the University
of Nebraska,
"which is a remarkable
accomplishment
since she went to the
University of Oklahoma."
How about a big
hand for all of them.
( whistling and applause )
( whooping )
What did I tell you?
You were terrific.
Oh, yes. I was good, wasn't I?
Now, don't forget,
tonight is the modeling
of the evening gowns. Right.
Uh, get me the
script an hour early.
I want to punch it up.
( clears throat )
Well, Alma's a shoo-in.
Come on. Jeanette's got
"winner" written all over her.
And I hope it's in Braille.
( laughs )
I don't know. I'm betting
on the sister. Heh, heh.
She's not even
in the competition.
She may not be
in your competition,
but she is definitely in mine.
Excuse me, Mr. Gibson,
but would you teach me
how to do the hambone?
Why, sure, child.
You see, it goes like this:
♪ Hambone, hambone
Ain't so tough ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
That's enough ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
Make up a rhyme ♪
♪ I can do that anytime ♪
Oh! ( giggles )
Honey, you are a natural.
Is there anything
that I can get you?
Yes. Earmuffs.
Oh, we were just
having a little fun.
I have nothing against
anyone having fun.
I just don't think it's
necessary for that man
to make such a fool of himself.
Ooh... But that's
just Mr. Gibson.
I mean, he's a nice old dude.
Really? Mm-hm.
Then how long before he starts
strumming on the old banjo?
Ah... ( laughing )
I can only stay a minute.
Ah, well, that's
long enough for this.
( romantic theme playing )
I love you.
And I love you.
Hey, listen, how about tonight?
When your roommates are
asleep, you come and stay here.
Oh, Rick... I know.
I know the rules.
You're supposed to be brainy
and talented and beautiful and sexy,
but most of all you're
supposed to be moral, right?
Right.
Right.
It doesn't say
somewhere in fine print
that it's okay to be human?
Nope. No.
Hm. But I am.
Um... Ha, ha, ha.
I'll see you tonight.
That's my girl.
Mwah. Come on.
Hey, wait.
( dramatic theme playing )
Oh, I don't believe it.
Oh.
I'm... Ha. I'm sorry.
Uh...
Wow.
Look at all these
books on black history.
What are you trying
to do, rewrite Roots?
I'm working on my dissertation.
Dissertation?
Are you a teacher?
Well, you might say
I'm a teaching fellow.
Ah, none of the fellas I
knew ever looked like you.
( laughs )
That means I'm a
teaching assistant.
Ah, a teacher.
Boy, if I had a teacher
like you, I'd still be in school.
Oh, we never got to names.
I'm, uh, Isaac Washington.
Stephanie Hayden.
How do you do,
Stephanie Hayden? Ha.
"Slave Families of Virginia."
Well, this looks interesting.
Well, if you think the
cover's interesting,
you should read what's inside.
Does that mean
you'd loan it to me?
Mm-hm.
And I suggest you
start with Chapter 9.
Ah, okay, Teach.
Uh, when's the first test?
Oh, hey, Isaac, good.
Hey, how does that
hambone go again?
You know, this is the way
the old guy did it, but I want to...
Uh... Uh... Uh, Gopher,
later. Okay? Later.
Mr. Washington, please,
I never stand in the way
of higher learning.
Continue with your class
in Advanced Hambone.
Thank you.
Gopher, Gopher,
you are out of my will.
( upbeat theme playing )
Frank.
Frank, I haven't called you
because I haven't
got anything to tell you.
Yes, I know who Nicki
is. Whitcomb's girlfriend.
I don't care if she is gonna
spill her guts in
somebody's column.
It's gonna take a little time
to find out if Whitcomb's wife
is gonna divorce him,
or if he's gonna resign before
Congress throws him out.
Just give me a
little time, Frank.
An hour isn't exactly the kind
of time I had in mind, Frank.
Frank?
( line disconnects )
( receiver clatters )
( light dinner music playing )
Dinner was terrific, wasn't it?
Yes.
It's funny too, because
I came on this cruise
to get away from
people, and now...
Oh, well, listen, everybody
needs someone to talk to.
It's just that ever since
my relationship with Nicki...
The dancer? ( sighs )
I'm sorry.
I haven't had a moment's
peace since that story broke.
My entire life has been examined
and re-examined, investigated,
probed.
No one's life can live
up to that kind of scrutiny.
Well, we all make mistakes.
I never said I made a mistake.
Look, how would you feel
if right now on this ship
there was a reporter watching us
together holding hands...
Saw me kissing you?
Tomorrow the
headlines would say,
"Congressman and His Conquest
Seen Living It Up
On the Love Boat."
( drumroll )
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
This evening our
beautiful models
will be showing you
some of the eveningwear
designed especially for
us by Carita of California.
( applause )
Thank you.
But, uh, before we begin:
a funny thing happened to me
on the way to the
Acapulco Lounge tonight.
I saw a passenger standing
on the deck going like this:
( snapping )
I said, "What are
you doing that for?"
He said, "It keeps
the elephants away."
I said, "Elephants?
We never had an
elephant on this ship."
He said, "You
see that? It works."
( all laugh )
( Stubing guffaws )
It's one of my favorites.
I got a million of 'em.
( Stubing laughs )
I've created a monster.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
comes the poise
portion of the competition.
Whoever is selected
to be our ambassadress
will be required to
deal with the press
and the dignitaries
of foreign countries.
Now, to see how
she thinks on her feet,
we'll ask each young
woman to answer
one completely
impromptu question.
Jeanette.
Oh, yes.
In 15 seconds, please tell us
what is your goal in life?
Oh, well,
I would like to bring all the
people in the whole world
together,
so that they can live
together in harmony
and they can love
together forever.
Do I have any time left?
Hm? Oh, uh, two seconds.
Together.
Thank you, thank
you. ( all applaud )
( upbeat theme playing )
You know, I want to apologize.
All I've done since we met
is talk about me and
about my troubles.
Listen, you need to get it out.
Sometimes it's easier to
do with a perfect stranger.
Ah, you're not a stranger.
What you are is the
first person I've met so far
that's interested in
my side of the story.
You see,
my wife and I were
planning to get divorced
before Nicki came along.
There were no ugly
moments, no bad times.
It's just that my
life was politics,
and she couldn't handle it.
The traveling, the campaigns.
We lived separate lives.
But we were, and
still are, good friends.
When this thing
with Nicki happened,
the press made it look
like I was leaving my wife
for some chorus girl.
Then it was love?
It was love.
But it didn't work.
Big deal.
The worst part of it
was, is I was working
on a piece of tax reform
legislation at the time.
It was a bill that
would have benefited
millions of Americans.
Now the whole thing is in doubt
because of this cloud
hanging over my head.
I never heard anything
about a tax reform bill.
No, and you won't.
People are more interested
in sensation than legislation.
But you have to get
your side of the story out.
No, no.
I just gotta get out
before they throw me out.
Resign? But, John...
It's a losing battle.
I'm tired of fighting.
Maybe it would be different if
you weren't fighting all alone.
( upbeat theme playing )
Rick, do you think we should?
No, I don't think we should.
But I know we're gonna.
Well, what if
somebody finds out?
Nobody's gonna find out.
Now, come on. Get in.
( dramatic theme playing )
( soft romantic theme playing )
Rick, you're gonna
think I'm crazy,
but I can't go
through with this.
You what? Um, I-I
can't stay here tonight.
It would be dishonest.
But, Susie, I mean...
Look, please, try and
understand, okay?
We'll see each other tomorrow.
But, I... Uh, Sus... Susie.
Susie. Rick, no.
Susie, wait... You
see, I told you.
Um, Waldo, I can explain.
It doesn't mean... Miss Corbett,
I am sorry to say
that you're guilty
of conduct unbecoming
a possible ambassadress
for the Princess lines.
You are hereby disqualified
from the competition.
( gasps )
Baby, I'm sorry.
Oh...
I told you.
Well...
good night.
Good night.
( tender theme playing )
Will I see you in the morning?
You bet.
( telephone rings )
Hello?
Ah, come on, Frank.
I thought you were
gonna give me some time.
Yes, his wife is
going to divorce him,
but they've been talking
about divorce for a long time.
No, I don't know the details.
The chorus girl
thing is over, but...
Frank, you're pressuring me.
Yes, I think he's
going to resign,
but, now, don't print that.
Look, there's a lot more
to this. I'll tell you what:
I will call you first
thing in the morning
with a full story. All right?
Okay, I will talk to you then,
and don't print anything, Frank.
( line disconnects )
( dramatic theme playing )
( majestic theme playing )
( melancholy theme playing )
"And God stepped out on space,
"and He looked
around "and He said...
"I'm lonely, and I'll
make me a world."
James Weldon Johnson.
Our ancestors made the crossing
below the deck in shackles.
They never got
to see any of this.
( sighs )
That's heavy.
But is that all you
can think of right now?
What do you mean?
Well, I'm thinking
about this night.
The moon, the stars,
the sea and you.
( scoffs )
Isaac,
I'm trying to get you
serious about our people,
not get you serious about me.
( romantic theme playing )
( laughs )
It always worked
in grammar school.
Isaac.
( people singing
"Camptown Races" )
( scatting )
( sighs )
Thanks for the apple.
ALL: ♪ Doo-da, doo-da ♪
♪ Camptown racetrack's
Five miles long ♪
♪ Doo-da, doo-da-day ♪
♪ Gonna sing all night ♪
( all continue
singing indistinctly )
( scoffs )
( melancholy theme playing )
( mellow upbeat theme playing )
Jeanette?
Jeanette, you called for me?
What's the emergency?
Oh, Waldo.
I can't get my zipper done up.
You called me for a zipper?
Mm-hm.
Why didn't you
call one of the girls?
Well, you're in
charge, aren't you?
Oh, please.
( sultry them playing )
I have a little itch right
in the middle of my back.
Could you scratch
it for me, please?
Scratch it?
Please.
Here?
Lower.
Lower?
Lower.
Jeanette, Jeanette,
you're making me crazy.
Waldo, I'm surprised at you!
What kind of a girl
do you think I am?
Why, you burst in here
while I'm half-naked
and try to take
advantage of me. Huh.
( majestic theme playing )
Stephanie, this
book is incredible.
It... It makes me
realize how little I know.
But now you know more
than you did yesterday.
You see, we do have a
past we can be proud of.
We have a rich
and valuable culture.
It's up to us to let people
know about our poets
and philosophers, our
soldiers and scientists,
instead of perpetuating
these stereotypes.
You mean Mr. Gibson? Exactly.
We have to let people know
that we're not just entertainers.
We have more to do
with our lives than dance.
Yeah, but Stephanie,
Mr. Gibson, he's a nice old guy.
Isaac, he's the type of man who
makes it harder for you and me.
People think all
blacks are like that.
Hi. Hi.
Hi. Oh, my head.
Is there a doctor on this ship?
Oh, your eyes look real good.
You should see 'em from my side.
( chuckling ): Isaac, man,
we had a ball last night.
Oh, Mr. Gibson knows
how to show us a good time.
Whoo! ( laughs )
Yeah. You should
have been there, man.
I have more important things
to do with my life than dance.
Ooh.
( upbeat theme playing )
( sniffles )
Come on, baby,
don't be depressed.
So you got disqualified.
Maybe it's the best thing
that ever happened to us.
Hey, we don't have
to pretend anymore.
Susie, I've got it. Mm-hm.
Look, we're in Ensenada. Yeah.
Let's get off the
ship and get married.
Right now. What do you say?
Really?
And we'll have our
honeymoon here on the ship.
Oh, honey.
Let's. Okay.
Oh.
That's better. Mm.
Are you decent?
So decent. We're
gonna be married.
Oh, wonderful.
And do I have a great
wedding present for you.
You're back into
the competition.
What?! Yeah.
Oh, Jeanette, you're kidding me!
See, like, uh, Waldo and I
had kind of a
heart-to-heart talk.
Yeah? And I convinced him
that your moral standards
were just as high as his.
Oh, Rick, honey,
can you believe that!
Mwah. I'm back in.
Oh, Jeanette. Oh!
I can't believe it.
( both speaking indistinctly )
( mellow theme playing )
Thank you.
Certainly.
( soft piano music playing )
Stephanie...
( cork pops )
- -I want you to try this.
A peso for your thoughts?
There's something
I wanna tell you,
and I don't know quite
how to put it into words.
Oh. Two pesos?
I think you may have
to throw in a piña colada.
Ha-ha. You got it.
I'm falling in love with you.
I feel the same way, Robin.
Boy, we've got great timing.
I mean, if you involve
yourself with me now, you're...
You're putting yourself
right in the firing line.
I don't care. I believe in you.
I wanna be with you.
Stateside papers, just flown in.
Uh, you have the Times?
Yeah.
John, I can help
you in this fight.
I've got connections in
the newspaper business.
Oh, why don't I just
come right out and say it?
I'm a reporter.
You're a what?
Do you have a
copy of Scuttlebutt?
Uh, yes, ma'am.
This is the paper I work for.
Oh, really?
Oh, my God. What?
What's the matter?
"Whitcomb Quits, Dancer Splits.
"Exclusive.
"John P. Whitcomb will
end his political career
"by throwing in the towel,
according to a source
aboard the Pacific Princess."
( sighs )
You'd think I'd learn.
John, wait.
Oh, Miss Brant, there's a
long-distance phone call for you
from a Mr. Frank Davis
of Scuttlebutt
newspaper in New York.
Tell him I just quit. Wh...?
Wait a minute. Why
should you have all the fun?
I'll tell him myself.
( majestic theme playing )
( jazzy dance music playing )
You're just the
two I'm looking for.
You see, I'm having a party
down in my cabin a little later on,
and I'd like for you folks
to be in on the festivities.
Thank you, but no thanks.
Yeah, you better
count me out too.
Whatever you say, boss.
I'm not your boss.
I'm your boss, and I'd like
to have a word with you.
Uh, captain, it's time to
start the talent contest.
Uh, I'll speak to
you after the show.
Now, here's your script.
I can ad lib better than that.
Isaac, what's the
matter with you?
I thought you liked Mr. Gibson.
Why are you turning on him?
Let me put it this way.
I've seen about all the
shuffling I can handle.
( drum roll )
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for the talent contest
and the final judging.
This is part of the competition
which allows our judges
to see a different facet
of our young ladies.
The ability to be
in the spotlight.
( drum roll )
STUBING: Which reminds me,
my mother-in-law was
in a talent show once,
she was the only one in it.
She came in second.
( laughter )
Thank you. Thank you.
And now, without further ado,
Miss Alma Hodges
will sing for us
"The Bell Song" from Lakmé.
( applause )
( singing aria )
You know, she told me she
never had a lesson in her life.
( drum roll )
( flamenco music playing )
( applause )
Where the beavers
built their lodges.
Where the squirrels
hid their acorns.
He talked with them
wherever he met them.
And he called them
Hiawatha's brothers.
( applause )
( playing classical music )
( stops playing )
( applause )
Wow, she's terrific.
GIBSON: Yeah, she
looks like a winner to me.
And the winner
is... ( drum roll )
"Miss Susie Corbett."
( all squealing )
That's so great.
( applause )
Thank you. Thank
you, everybody. Um...
I... I really can't
believe I've won.
Um, a moment ago I thought
representing the Princess lines
was the most important
thing in the world,
but I've realized
there's something
much more important to me,
and he's walking out
of the room this minute.
I'm very grateful that
you've chosen me,
but rather than being your
ambassadress for a year,
I'd rather be Mrs. Rick
Leonard for the rest of my life.
( applause )
Well, what can you say.
They do call this the Love Boat.
( laughs )
Thank you.
Our new ambassadress
will be the first runner-up,
and she is... ( drum roll )
Miss Jeanette Arno. ( yelling )
( applause )
( majestic theme playing )
( melancholy theme playing )
Robin, I want to apologize.
You want to apologize?
But I'm the one who... No.
Julie told me that you quit
your job because of me.
Oh, it wasn't just
because of you.
It was because Frank
Davis double-crossed me.
He wasn't supposed to
print that pack of half-truths.
I wanted him to print
your side of the story,
and I'm glad I quit. No.
I want you to get your job back.
What? That's right.
I'll need someone in
the press to help me
when I go back
to fight this thing.
When we go back
to fight this thing.
Oh, John.
( majestic theme playing )
Oh, captain, I'm on my
way to Mr. Gibson's party.
Are you coming
now? Uh, in a minute.
You go ahead. Oh, all right.
Isaac.
I, uh... I've noticed
that you're reading
a lot of black history lately.
Yes, I loaned him the books.
Oh. Well, then, I'm
glad you're here.
You see, a little knowledge
is a dangerous thing.
You two have had
your noses buried
so deeply in the history books,
that you missed seeing
some living black history
in the person of a
certain peanut vendor,
named Virgil Gibson.
Or perhaps you'd know him better
if I called him
Scattergun Gibson.
You mean he's Scattergun Gibson?
That's right.
Who's Scattergun Gibson?
Only the greatest pitcher
the Negro League ever had.
They used to say that he
could pitch the ball so fast
that it crossed the plate
before its shadow did.
I saw him pitch
when I was a kid.
It was an exhibition game
against the Brooklyn Dodgers.
( chuckles )
He mowed 'em down like
they were Little Leaguers.
I'd never seen anything like it.
But, captain, if he's
such a great black athlete,
why does he bother to
tap dance for everybody?
STUBING: Because in his day
that's what you had
to do to get along.
You not only had
to be a great athlete,
but, well, you had
to make people laugh
while you were beating them.
But that was then.
Today is different.
Young lady, you're
darn right it's different.
It's because of men like
him that there are blacks
playing in the
major leagues today.
( poignant theme playing )
And tending bar on ships.
And teaching
history in colleges.
( sighs )
Captain.
Where is that party?
Follow me.
( applause, laughter )
BRICKLER: Tell about the
time you struck out Babe Ruth.
Oh, yeah. Uh, which time?
You mean you struck
him out more than once?
Does a peanut come in a shell?
( laughs )
( knocking on door )
Come in.
Hi, captain. Scattergun.
Uh, hello there, youngsters.
Hi. Hi.
Now I recall the first time
the Babe and I ever
faced one another.
It was in 1932.
An exhibition game
at the Yankee Stadium.
We're leadin' the
Yanks one to nothin'
goin' into the
bottom of the ninth.
One out, and a man on first,
then the Babe
steps up to the plate.
So I calls out to him.
I said, "Mr. Ruth,
"I want to take this
opportunity to apologize
for what I'm about
to do to you."
Oh, no. And he yells back:
"Just throw the
ball, kid." And I did.
Three times.
Ha.
He never seen one of 'em.
( laughs )
Well, the Babe walks
out to the mound,
still got his bat in his hand.
But you know what he said?
He said, "The way the world is,
"you ain't never
gonna be in the majors,
"but I want you to know this:
you are the best there is."
Then he shook my hand
and walked off the field.
Wow. That's great.
You beat the Yankees.
No.
Lou Gehrig come up
next and hit a home run.
( all laughing )
Uh, Mr. Gibson?
We... We owe you an apology.
Oh, don't be shaken.
No offense made and none taken.
STEPHANIE: Mr. Gibson.
Scattergun.
We both behaved very rudely
to you and we're sorry for it.
You know, I've been
studying black history
for the last five years,
but there seems to be a
big gap in my education.
What's that?
I never learned to
do the hambone.
Would you teach me?
Would I teach you?
Okay.
♪ Hambone, hambone,
Sing the song ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone,
All night long ♪
♪ Come on, baby,
It's your turn ♪
♪ Hambone, hambone
You're gonna learn ♪
( all singing indistinctly )
( majestic theme playing )
Well, I guess I'll see
you at the wedding, huh?
Yes. Oh, I'm so
excited for you guys.
Hey, I'm really excited for
you too. What are your plans?
Well, I guess I'll be
pretty busy, you know,
traveling around and
making commercials, and...
And then at the end of the
year, I'm gonna marry Waldo.
( giggling )
You and Waldo?
( scoffs )
He doesn't know it yet,
but that man is one
heck of a back-scratcher.
( laughing )
MAN: I think we ought
to check the boiler while...
( all talking indistinctly )
Oh, goodbye, Miss
Brant and Mr. Smith.
It's Whitcomb.
Congressman Whitcomb.
I know.
Oh. Well, bye-bye now.
Thank you very
much for everything.
Good luck. Thank you. Goodbye.
There she is. Jeanette,
where have you been?
Oh. Mwah.
Oh, okay, everybody. Let's go.
Captain, thank you for
being a wonderful emcee.
Well, it was fun,
but for me it was
just a one-time thing.
Ah, you don't happen to know
the name of a good agent, do you?
Don't call us, we'll call you.
Thank you. STUBING:
Goodbye, girls.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Congratulations. Susie,
have a wonderful wedding.
Thank you. Goodbye, Rick.
Goodbye, Susie. Bye-bye, Rick.
Mr. Gibson, can I
offer you a ride home?
Dear one, just
call me Scattergun,
because it's true, I'd
go anyplace with you.
Scattergun, is it true
you could throw a grape
through the hole of a
doughnut at 60 feet?
Don't be ridiculous.
You see, that's one
of those tall stories
that get taller every year.
It was a raisin.
( all laughing )
Stephanie, I hope I'm
gonna see more of you.
I really dig you.
Isaac, not in front
of all these people.
That's perfectly all right.
We're just one big happy family.
Yeah. Uh, Dad. Could
I use the ship tonight?
( all laughing )
Captain won't lend
you the ship tonight.
Captain won't lend
you the ship tonight.
( majestic theme playing )