The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 14 - Isaac's Double Standard/One More Time/Chimpanzeeshines - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Gopher. Where have you been?

My car had a flat tire?

What's in the bag?



Hey, Julie, great
talking to you.

Gotta go.

Gopher.

Keep in touch.

( grunts )

Gopher. Bye now.

Miss McCoy, I always enjoy
greeting the passengers,

but where is
Yeoman Purser Smith,

the officer who
is paid to do it?

Uh, sir, maybe his
car had a flat tire.

Maybe it didn't.

Maybe it didn't.

Mm-hm.

Hi. I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.

Oh, hello.

I'm Cynthia Parker. And
this is my daughter, Anne.

Hello.

She's a little self-conscious.

She just had, you
know, cosmetic surgery.

Oh, well, you
don't have to worry.

We'll have her feeling
relaxed in no time.

Thank you.

If you don't mind my
asking, who did your nose?

The man upstairs. Heh.

You're lucky to live
in a doctor's building.

Come on, Annie.

Listen, my mom get here yet?

Not yet.

But there's still
plenty of time.

You know, this is
the first real vacation

she's had in years.

Well, since my dad died.

Yeah, I can't wait to meet her.

I have a few things to
tell her about her son.

Not her son.

Her baby.

I mean, she still thinks
of me as kind of a little boy

with a teddy bear.

Oh, like the one
tucked in your bed?

Beats sleeping alone.

Listen, just let me know

when my mom
gets here, all right?

WOMAN: Isaac.

( romantic theme playing ) Hi.

Hi, baby. Ah.

Mm.

Boy, you sure have
a young mother.

I said, you sure
have a young mother.

I was just remarking about
how young your mother was.

Charlene, what
are you doing here?

I got tired of waiting
for you in port,

so I decided to take a cruise.

( chuckles )

Good deciding.

Except one thing:

My mom's coming
on this cruise too.

That's okay.

I don't mind sharing
you with an older woman.

Hello.

Babe, I want you to meet Gopher.

Gopher, this is my girl.

The one I've been talking about.

Oh, right. Hi, Martha.

Helen? Lisa.

Just kidding, just kidding.

This has to be Charlene, right?

Hi. Welcome aboard.

Charlene, um,

I think I'd better show
you to your cabin.

Bye.

You keep an eye out
for my mom? Sure.

Should I let you know when

Martha, Helen
and Lisa arrive too?

Cute. Very cute.

Has a pretty blond, about
5'7," been looking for me?

No.

How about a brunette, 5'4"?

No.

A redhead, 4'10"?

Hi. Welcome aboard.

I'm Julie McCoy.

Well, hello.

I'm Millie Washington.

I'm looking for my son,
Captain Isaac Washington.

"Captain" Isaac Washington?

Well, give him time,
honey. Give him time.

( laughs )

Listen, you know, I thought

that little rascal would be
kind of here to greet me,

you know, and show me around.

Well, he's probably out sorting
his supplies for the cruise.

Hm.

He's probably chasing some
pretty girl all over this ship.

Give him time. Give him time.

Oh.

( majestic theme playing
) ( foghorn blowing )

Oh. Hello, hello, hello.

Miss Monroe. Welcome. Oh.

My darling, darling Jenny.

Julie.

Yeah, of course, Jackie.

I can't tell you how thrilled

I was to be able to squeeze in

another performance
onboard your floating nightclub.

You know, I said to my agent,

you have simply got to
cancel all my other bookings.

By the way, I found
you an accompanist.

Wouldn't you know my pianist
would come down with the flu

the first time in
ages I get a booking.

Oh, I mean... I mean,
a great booking.

Well, this may turn
into a stroke of luck.

I had to pull a few strings,

but the accompanist I
found you is dynamite.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You know, dear, a good
pianist is hard to find.

But then, so is a good man.

♪ A good man ♪

Hi, doll.

Hi.

Who's the banana?

Lenny Kamen. Mitzi Monroe.

Lenny, I was just
telling Mitzi all about you.

Lenny, what are you doing here?

Is your cage being cleaned?

But I see you two
already know each other.

Know each other?

Lenny here is my ex.

Ex-partner?

Uh-huh. Ex-partner,

ex-husband, ex-everything,

except ex-citing.

Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Look, it's no big thing.

We have one more performance
we have to do together.

It's not a lifetime.

No, it's... It's just going
to seem like a lifetime.

How long were you two married?

Ten years.

That's a long time. Hm.

Funny, it seems
like only yesterday.

And you know what a
lousy day yesterday was.

( majestic theme playing
) ( foghorn blowing )

( all cheering, yelling )

Hey, Gopher. Huh?

Listen, my mom
get settled in okay?

I've been stuck working.

Oh, she's fine.

I got one of the crew
to show her around. Oh.

And this is the Lido Deck.

Oh, my, this is
nice. ( chuckles )

Real nice. Thank you.

I... Oh. Who is that cutie

over there in the red jacket?

( chuckles )

( chuckles )

Hi, Mom. Oh, yes.

Captain, I see you met my mom.

Yes. And I've never
seen her looking better.

Now... You just met
me two minutes ago.

Well, you see? I wasn't lying.

Ha-ha.

Well, I hope you enjoy the
cruise, Mrs. Washington.

I'd better, or I'm
gonna complain

to whoever is in
charge around here.

( chuckling ): Isaac.

So long, captain.

Sweetheart, now, are
you getting enough to eat?

Enough?

I was thinking about
getting a bigger uniform.

Hi.

Oh, Mom, you remember Gopher.

Gopher, you know,
I used to dress Isaac

in little sailor suits like that

before he could walk.

Uh, Mom, ahem,

my man here is gonna show you

such a fine time
while you're onboard.

I sure am, Mrs. Washington.

Mrs. Washington
was George's mother.

You call me Millie.

Millie.

Good.

Now, look at this uniform.

Look at this.

Here, you got a
tear in here already.

First chance you get, you bring
that coat upstairs to my room.

No, it's up the
companionway to my cabin.

I don't know
where your cabin is,

but you bring the
coat up to my room.

He thinks I deliver. Oh.

( chuckles )

Isaac, your mother
is a real dynamo.

You know it.

But there is another dynamo

I also wanna spend
some time with.

Hi, Gopher.

Hi, honey.

How you doing? Mm. Mmm.

Hi.

Did you know you had
a tear in your jacket?

If you like, I'll
fix it for you.

Do you deliver?

( piano playing mellow music )

Hi.

Oh.

I understand you were
working up in the Poconos.

How'd you like it?

The Poconos?

Oh, the Poconos are like...

They're like mountains
to me, you know?

I mean, they're sort of hilltops

in the valleys of despair.

Actually, I can hardly find
time for the Poconos anymore.

It means juggling TV and
Vegas and Tahoe. Heh.

I know exactly what you mean.

Do you know, I have
the very same problem.

Really?

Yeah. I have a new manager. Oh.

Guy is fantastic. Oh.

Absolutely fantastic.

Course he has me
working the little clubs now,

but that's all part of the plan.

Like a fighter, you know,
just bringing me along.

Pretty soon we'll
work out the kinks,

and then it'll be a TV
series, Tahoe, Vegas.

Lenny, who are you kidding?
I know the places you play.

I read the columns.

And I know the places
you play. I read the funnies.

Well, it beats the
7-11 Club in Trenton.

You died there. I
read the obituaries.

Actually, you know, um...

I have ten weeks
coming up at the Sahara.

The hotel or the desert?

Hi, guys.

Everything under control?

Terrific. It will
be when I can get

a padlock for his mouth.

Let's face it, Julie.

I can't work with this creep.

If I perform, it's gonna be
without an accompanist.

After she sings four bars,
it'll be without an audience.

Why worry about it, Julie?

I'd be absolutely glad to do
the whole show for you solo.

That's a wonderful idea.

He's a regular
Liberace, you know.

Only if he's smart,
he will light the piano

and he'll play the candelabra.

Look, guys,

this is not worth
fighting about.

I'll tell you what.

I'll flip a coin, and whoever
calls it goes on alone.

Heads. The other side.

And then whoever doesn't perform

will just pay for their passage,

and then we'll be
square, okay? Uh...

Uh...

Yeah, now... Now... Now,
hold on there just one minute.

( Mitzi stammering )

I think we're being
a little hasty here.

Yes, yes. I... I-I think
we're being just...

Just a little bit hasty.

I mean, uh... I mean,
without the two of us,

let's face it, there's no act.

That's right, that's
right. I mean, it's like...

It's like, uh, Hepburn
without Tracy.

It's like, uh, Rogers
without Astaire.

Like Goodyear without the blimp.

Right. Well, I'm
glad that's settled.

See you later.

( whimsical theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

Hey, how goes it?

Okay, I guess.

Oh, well, give me a call
when you know for sure.

ISAAC: Say, uh, who
is that with my mom?

I haven't a clue.

Yeah, well, check it out, man.

I mean, who is this guy?
I mean, what does he do?

Where is he from?

Hey. Am I thy mother's keeper?

Ask him yourself.

( indistinct chatter )

( chuckling )

Oh. Oh, Isaac.

This is my son that I haven't
seen in the last 24 hours.

Nice to meet you, son.

Oh, now this is Mr. Roy Harwood.

How do you do?

Hi.

Roy's a dentist.

But you won't get any
business in this family.

Isaac's got the best
set of chompers in town.

Show him, honey.

Oh, show it to him.

You know,

we stress dental
health in my family.

And we brush after every
meal and floss at bedtime,

unless Isaac had
used up all the floss

to hold his model
planes together.

ISAAC: Yeah.

( all chuckling )

Um, yeah, well,
uh, heh... I gotta go.

Can you join us
later for dessert?

I'd like to, but I have
to go... and floss.

( chuckles )

But, Isaac, wait, I
want to talk to you

about something
that's important.

Hi. Hi, let's go.

What about dinner?

And I wanted to meet your mom.

Oh, well, I...

I thought we would, uh,
you know, first things first.

Well, uh, since
you put it that way.

( both chuckle )

Anybody ever tell you
you have beautiful teeth?

The best set of
chompers in town.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, I give up, what's
with the doggy bag?

Oh, well, it's the
strangest thing,

I've been getting hungry,
but never at meal time.

So this way I always
have food handy.

Mm.

Gopher, did I already
eat my carrots?

Sure did, really
enjoyed them too.

Hm. I'm still hungry.

Can I eat your
pota...? Sorry, too late!

( clears throat )

Well, I'm stuffed.

Excuse me. Ahem.

Honey, you missed
a wonderful dinner.

I'm not going out with
my nose in a sling.

Take off the bandages.

The doctor said you could
take them off weeks ago.

Suppose he didn't do a good job?

Suppose my nose is
worse than it was before?

Impossible. You had
your father's nose.

I'm sorry, sweetheart,
that came out backward.

You're going to look wonderful!

Do you want to
put that in writing?

Hey, Isaac, you're running
a loose ship here, man.

Uh, what's with the
empty peanut bowls?

I... I thought I
just filled that.

Empty bowls don't lie.

Oh, uh, guy down there.

( clears throat )

Hi, Gopher. Hi, Julie.

Well, back to the salt mines.

Hi, Julie. Hi, Isaac.

What's going on? I'm starving.

Where's all the peanuts?

Is there an elephant
loose around here?

Louise. Louise.

Come out, come
out, wherever you are.

I brought dinner.
Come on. Ha-ha.

You got a little flower?
You look lovely in it.

Yes, they say that.

Uncle Gopher has
for you, some steak,

some baked potato, some peanuts,
and for dessert, some carrots.

JULIE: Not just some carrots,

but Julie's carrots.

And Isaac's peanuts.

Hi, guys, what's new?

Look, I promised a friend
that I'd take care of her.

See, I thought I was
gonna be off duty this week.

Believe me, I was the only
one he could leave her with.

Oh, it figures.

Leave a monkey with
someone who's bananas.

( chitters )

Please, you guys are my buddies.

You gotta promise you won't
tell anybody I have her on board.

Please?

What's a few
peanuts more or less?

Julie?

I haven't eaten.

I haven't the strength to tell.

( Louise clapping )

( chittering )

Oh, that's just her
way of saying thanks.

( majestic theme playing )

Annie, please, just
come out for a minute.

I want you to meet Dr. Bricker.

ANNIE: No way.

I just want you to meet him.

Mother... Let her be.

She'll take the bandages
off in her own good time.

But she's missing
a terrific cruise

and there are so many
nice people aboard.

You, for example.

You're so right.

Come on, let's have breakfast.

All right.

You see my sunglasses?

Uh... no.

Besides, I'm the one
who needs sunglasses.

You're dazzling.

You're so right.

Come on, Louise, where
did you get those sunglasses?

You stole them, didn't you?

Listen, Louise, how did
you get out of here, anyway?

That's not funny, Louise.

( playing mellow music )

You're late.

Well, good, I won't have
to listen to you play so long.

Now, I thought we'd start
with "A Salute to the '50s."

What are we saluting, your age?

( chuckles )

Why don't we make it the 1850s?

We'll be saluting your jokes.

Could we get started?

Boy, am I cold.

Haven't changed a bit, have you?

Okay, "Fascination" in E, right?

E flat.

The "flat" part I remember.

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.

( Lenny plays opening notes )

♪ It was fascina... ♪

Oh.

My sentiments exactly.

( sneezes )

One more time.

( plays opening notes )

♪ It was fascina-na-na... ♪

"Fascina-na-na"?

( sneezes )

Aren't you going
to say gesundheit?

I was thinking of
auf Wiedersehen.

Oh, boy, you know how
I hate air conditioning,

so you had them turn it
up full blast, didn't you?

I had them turn
it up full? I ha...

I'm not running the ship.

Look, let's take it from the top
one more time if you don't mind.

( plays opening notes )

♪ It was fascina... ♪
( Lenny increases tempo )

Look, lover boy, in
case you've forgotten,

the tempo was this:

( slow tempo ): ♪ It
was fascination, I know ♪

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

It was this:

( fast tempo ): ♪ It was
fascination, I know ♪

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

( screams )

( sneezes )

( sighs )

ANNIE: Who is it?

Oh, it's Yeoman
Purser Smith, ma'am.

I found these sunglasses with
the name Cynthia Parker on them.

They're my mother's.

Bye.

Uh, thank you.

You're welcome.

I haven't seen you
on the ship before.

Are you hiding out
for some reason?

Well, uh...

Bet you're an actress or a
model traveling incognito, huh?

( giggles )

No.

No?

Well, whoever you are,

you have the most
beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

In the world.

In the whole world.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Don't worry, it's me. I'm alone.

Don't go running
into the bathroom.

I'm taking the bandages off.

You are?

Oh, Annie, I can
hardly wait to see it.

Close your eyes, I'll tell
you when you can look.

Yes, dear, I understand.

Almost ready.

( majestic theme playing )

( band playing mellow music )

CHARLENE: Isaac, you
know, you're a lucky guy.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I mean, you're lucky to
have such a super mom.

What is that guy
trying to prove?

Holding her like that.

I think he's trying to prove

that she's a beautiful,
desirable woman.

She is not. She is my mother.

Well, you know what I mean.

I mean, she has no idea
what these cruise ships are like.

What are they like, sweetie?

What is she doing?

Same thing we were doing.

ISAAC: Charlene,

I am not throwing
myself at a dentist.

I'm gonna go put a stop to this.

Lighten up and let
them enjoy themselves.

And besides, it's
time for your break

and Charlene has
plans for her Isaac.

Mm. Say what...? What...?
What kind of plans?

Mm, interesting plans.

You see, this hot
blood runs in my family.

I got a feeling that
it runs in mine too.

Of course, if
you'd rather not...

Whoa, whoa.
W-w-wait a minute now.

I'm with you.

I mean, who can
fight all this hot blood?

Come in.

Ah.

Mama, uh, I came
to drop off the jacket.

Now, didn't you see
the sign in my window?

In by 9, out by 5.

This late, it'll cost you extra.

Mom, I came here
to straighten you out.

Well...

what I mean is, I've been
on this ship a long time

and there are men who
come on these cruises

looking for one thing.

Oh, honey. Thanks for the tip.

You're my dear son,
not my "Dear Abby."

Mom, we gotta have a talk.

Oh, not now.

Mama's gotta get
her beauty sleep.

But it'll only take
a few minutes.

He's right, Millie.

Let's talk this out now.

What is he doing here?

What are you doing
in my mother's cabin?

It's as much his cabin as mine.

What's that supposed to mean?

We're roommates.

We came on this cruise together.

I wanted to talk to you,
but I haven't had a chance.

Yeah, I can see
you've been too busy.

Not me. You.

You see, this is not the
kind of thing you can whisper

in your son's ear while he's
mixing a Harvey Wallbanger.

Your mother and I have been
going together for six months.

Going together?

I wanna marry her, Isaac.

Yeah, well, what's
holding you back?

Now, listen, we're in love,

but I'm just not sure
that I want to get married.

You get my age, it takes
longer to make that big decision.

Oh, I can understand that.

Instead of getting married,

you wanna be some
sort of a swinger.

( dramatic theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

Absolutely terrible. Who
would do such a thing?

I was only out of the
cabin for 20 minutes.

Don't worry, we'll get
to the bottom of this.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Uh, yes, uh, Mrs. Parker's
room was ransacked by a thief.

Her diamond broach was stolen.

It was round with 38 diamonds

and a two-pronged
pin on the back.

And it was my grandmother's.

Now, pass this on
to the rest of the crew.

I want that thief caught.

He is not going to get
away with this on my ship.

That's male chauvinism,
sir. Could be a lady.

Sorry.

Just find him, her or it.

Yes, sir.

( sighs )

Excuse me.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Are you sure you're
not an actress?

Gopher.

What?

Sir! Yes. I-I'm on my way. Yes.

( playful theme playing )

( sneezes )

( sneezing )

Louise.

Louise?

Louise.

Louise.

( chittering )

Now, how can I help you?

I, uh, haven't known you
long, Mrs. Washington,

but that is not the same
happy woman I met

less than a week ago.

What's the problem?

Well, um, Roy and I would
like to get off at the next port

and fly home.

That's if you could help us
with the plane reservations.

Why? Aren't you
having a good time?

Well, Roy and I came
on the cruise together

and, uh, we share a cabin.

Mm-hm.

But Isaac doesn't approve.

Oh.

And, uh, I don't wanna cause
him any further embarrassment.

Hm. You know,
it's a strange thing

about the young people today.

When they do the bump
and the hustle, it's fun.

When we do it,
we're being silly.

One rule for them,
another rule for us.

( chuckles )

I love this lady, captain.

And I don't wanna see her hurt.

Have you told that to Isaac?

Yes, but his ears
are all stopped up.

I just didn't think
that a child of mine

would turn out to be
so prim and proper.

Isaac? Prim and proper?

( laughs )

Do you remember meeting
a young woman onboard

by the name of Charlene Franks?

Oh, that's... That's
Isaac's girlfriend.

Mm-hm.

One rule for them...

another rule for us.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing mellow music )

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, hello, Gopher. Any
news on my broach?

Not yet, ma'am,
but we're closing in.

May I join you?

Of course you may.

BRICKER: Gopher.

Uh, Doc, hi. You surprise me.

I had no idea you had such
excellent taste in young ladies.

Oh. Yeah, she's
sensational, isn't she?

I mean, the other young lady.

Oh.

Cynthia, would
you care to dance?

I'd love to.

I'm glad you came over.

So am I. So am I.

I was, um... I was thinking
maybe later we could go for a walk.

The moon is beautiful tonight.

Yeah. Yeah.

Would you excuse me a minute?

Hi. Excuse me.

Mind if I cut in?

Thanks.

Uh, Gopher? Hm?

Buzz off. You've
got your own girl.

Oh. You're a terrific dancer.

Now, where were we?

Oh, Annie, I'm sorry
about that interruption.

I just wanted to make a
good impression on your mom.

Oh. Yeah.

Um, would you like
to take a brandy along

when we go for that
stroll in the moonlight?

I'll be right back.

Louise!

( chittering )

Cynthia, there's
something about you

that makes me go
weak in the knees.

Oh, Adam.

No, I'm not kidding. Hold me up.

Oh.

( playful theme playing )

( chittering )

Bricker, you haven't lost it.

ISAAC: And this time, it
ain't just some peanuts.

I'm missing a case
of swizzle sticks

and a Waring blender.

Louise.

And I'm missing a pair of shoes,

some pantyhose and
my brand-new bikini.

Louise.

Okay, Louise.

Now, where is the little monkey?

That's just it, I'm
missing a chimpanzee.

( knocking on door )

Does she usually knock?

Only when she forgets her keys.

Anne.

Gopher. What's going on?

You stood me up.

Um... ANNE: Oh.

Why didn't you tell me
you had another girl?

GOPHER: Oh, that's not
another girl. That's just Julie.

Oh, hey, thanks a lot.

Well, I thought
that you and I...

I do. We are. We will.

But, Annie, um, there
are complications.

It was horrible.

A hairy little man in a dress.

Don't be silly. It was
just Gopher's monkey.

We'll get your bag back.

Dr. Bricker.

Um, evening, captain.

Showing Mrs. Parker
the crew's quarters?

Something like that.

( Louise chittering )

Ah!

( door closes )

This may sound silly,

but I think I just
saw a chimpanzee

walk into Yeoman
Purser Smith's cabin.

Are you sure it
was a chimpanzee?

( sighs )

BRICKER: Here's
your hairy little man.

Here's your bag.

And here's my broach.

I told you there was
nothing to worry about.

STUBING: Gopher.
BRICKER: Buy you a drink.

Sir, I'm sorry, I...

It's my fault for bringing
Louise on the ship.

I'm responsible for everything.

You will report to my office
first thing in the morning.

Yes, sir.

With your bags packed.

You'll be going
ashore in Ensenada.

Well, I guess I'd
better get packed.

( chittering )

( Gopher sighs )

GOPHER: Louise!

Uh, Captain Stubing.

Uh, captain, you're not
gonna fire Gopher, are you?

Miss Parker, I understand
your personal involvement,

but this is ship's business.

I'd prefer not discussing
it with a passenger.

Good night. Uh, captain.

The monkey's mine.

I... I didn't wanna leave it
home so I brought it with me.

Gopher was protecting me.

If anyone should be
punished, it should be me.

Then it will be.

What are you gonna do?

( mellow theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Enter.

I'm ready to leave now, sir.

Leave?

Nothing could be
further from my mind.

Until last night, Mr. Smith,

I thought that old-fashioned
chivalry was dead.

That the days when a young
man would put himself in jeopardy

for the honor of a young
lady had gone out with...

With the tango.

But, sir... No buts.

Now, you put
your job on the line

to save the embarrassment
of one of the passengers.

I'm proud of you.

But, sir... No buts.

Let's get back to work.

Yes, sir.

Now, what did I do with my cap?

( chittering )

Morning, captain.

Okay, baby, I'm ready.

Let's go swimming.

I don't feel like it.

Isaac, why don't you go
apologize to your mom?

Apologize? For what?

I was only trying
to protect her.

Protect her?

I wonder how she got along
all these years without you.

Isaac, you flew the
coup a long time ago,

now it's time for her
to spread her wings.

I don't understand
your attitude at all.

That's because
it's not your mother.

Hey. A mom can't
hold onto her son,

and a son can't
hold onto his mom.

Mm. ( knocking on door )

ISAAC: Just a second.

Mm-ah...

I'm sorry.

Your jacket's fixed.

Thanks.

Well, actually, I came
to warn Charlene.

You know, honey, there
are men on these cruises

who are only
looking for one thing.

Well, it's not that way at all.

I mean, you and I have been
going together for a long time.

Well, what I mean is...
Well, this is different.

The only difference
is I'm not your mother.

Seems to me you got
two sets of standards.

One for me. And one for me.

Uh, ladies, ladies, oh, you
completely misunderstand

what I've been trying to say.

Mm-mm. I can't
wait to hear this.

Well, what I'm
trying to say is...

( chuckles nervously )

I guess you're both
100 percent right

and I've been a damn fool.

We're not 100 percent right.

Oh, no.

Maybe, uh, 99.

( laughs )

I guess a son never thinks

any man is good
enough for his mom.

You know, it takes a man
to admit when he's wrong.

And I raised a man.

Who sure knows how
to pick a good woman.

And a pretty one too.

( both laugh )

( upbeat theme playing )

Ooh.

( applause )

Ladies and gentlemen,
tonight we have

a very special treat for you.

There aren't many performers
who have a way with a song

like the lovely and
talented Mitzi Monroe.

And not many
musicians have a way

with those black and whites

like the nimble-fingered
Lenny Kamen.

Well, tonight, for the
first time in a long time,

they're back together again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the musical magic
of Mitzi and Lenny.

How do you expect me to
play with my finger in a sling?

Fake it. That's
what you usually do.

Now, listen...

Well, then...

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the
Acapulco Lounge.

I hope that you'll
bear with me tonight,

but as you can see, I'll be
playing with a bum hand.

Yes. That's why he
plays a bum piano.

( laughter )

Oh, but seriously,
ladies and gentlemen,

ahem, I do hope that you
will excuse my laryngitis.

Ahem. You shouldn't
have mentioned it.

The way you sing, they
never would have noticed.

( laughter )

Well, could we, um...?

Could we just take it
from the top, please?

Why? You've never
started there before.

( laughter )

Oh, my, isn't he
a bundle of fun?

( all laughing )

Ladies and gentlemen,
you must forgive my partner,

but she's been
working alone recently

and she's not used to
such large audiences.

Is that so?

Well, I'll have you know
that the last place I played in,

my closing night,
the ropes were up.

The boss was hanging himself.

( laughter )

Well, uh, could we just
have an arpeggio, please?

And that was with his good hand.

( all laughing )

Look, could you just give
me a simple introduction?

Certainly.

Captain Stubing, this is Mitzi.

Mitzi, this is Captain Stubing.

Julie, Mitzi. Mitzi, Julie.

Gopher, Doc.

( applause ) Yes, yes, yes.

It's going to be that
kind of an evening, is it?

Well, well, well,
ladies and gentlemen,

I think you might be
interested in knowing

that I was once
married to this clown.

My mother wanted me to marry
a doctor, but I compromised.

I married a sickness.

( all laugh )

Okay, let's talk
about our marriage,

which, at one time,

was commonly referred
to as The Gong Show.

Whee. Heh. Yes, yes.

They were going to make a
movie based on our marriage,

but you can't have
two films called Rocky.

So they made one about
Mitzi and called it Jaws.

( all laughing )

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Hi. Hi.

Would you believe I
couldn't get into my cabin?

I was mobbed by
autograph hounds.

Took me two hours
to sign two autographs.

Why so long?

One of them didn't want it.

( laughs )

They really loved us.

Well, that's the key word: "us."

You're right.

I never could have
gone on alone tonight.

Oh, I stink at the best of
times, well, with this voice.

Oh, come on, honey,
you've got a great voice.

It was always my piano
playing that held us back.

That's true. Yes, that's...

Come on, you know I was kidding.

You know, it was kinda cute.

I think we should
put it in the act.

The act?

Yeah, you know, you,
me, Vegas, Tahoe, TV.

Oh, Lenny.

I miss those.

Me too.

You know, uh, I was thinking,

uh, I'm much too excited
to sleep tonight and... And...

And you probably are too,
so, uh, I was thinking that, uh...

Well, may... Maybe you could
just stay here for a while and...

And... And maybe
we could, um, uh, uh...

Rehearse.

Rehearse. That's a good idea.

I always say keep
doing it till you get it right.

Okay, now, let's see, I say:

"Our marriage was referred
to as The Gong Show."

Laugh, laugh, laugh.
And then you say:

"You can't have two
movies called Rocky."

Laugh, laugh, laugh.

That's what I always say:

"Keep doing it
till you get it right."

Oh, yeah.

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blowing )

See you tomorrow night.

You know it.

Can we give you a
lift home, Charlene?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Oh.

You liberated women
sure do stick together.

Oh.

( chuckling )

Bye, Mama. Uh-oh.

Mm-hm.

So long, Roy.

Thanks for being
so understanding.

Hey, it's no big thing.

I hope we get to see
a lot of each other, son.

Well, I guess it's a little
soon to be calling you "son."

Listen, you just keep loving my
mama and keeping her happy,

and you can call me
anything you want.

Oh, bless you, honey. Bless you.

Your mother was
right about one thing...

ISAAC: What's that?

You do have great teeth.

( all laughing )

If I wasn't so cheap,
I'd give you 10 percent.

She's right. As an
agent, you're fantastic.

As a cruise director, mm.

Well, hey, I'm
happy for both of you.

Who knows, we may
even tie the knot again.

Except this time around,

we intend to keep the
fighting where it belongs,

out on that stage.

That's right, my darling.

That's where you
belong, out on that stage.

As a matter of fact, there's
one leaving in five minutes.

Oh, that's the comedy, huh?

How about going back to music?

How about going
back to your mother?

Oh, jeez. Bye.

Very good idea of yours,

having the three
of us leave together.

I just hope we can
make it a twosome soon.

You mean, you and her?

I mean, you and me.

Can I call you when
I drop Louise off?

ANNIE: You better.

( chittering )

Come on, Louise.

Well, Cynthia, you
got your broach back.

Yes, but I may just
have lost my heart.

Lost your heart?

Check with Gopher, his
chimp's probably got it.

Goodbye, Adam.

Goodbye.

( Louise chittering )

Louise!

Louise!

Louise.

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )