The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 13 - Too Hot to Handle/Family Reunion/Cinderella Story - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let me get a shot of
you coming on board.

Oh, come on, honey.
Let's go to the cabin.



You can take pictures later.

Oh, wait just a minute.

Oh, come... Hi.

I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.

Hi, I'm Wendy Bradley,

and the man behind you
with a camera is not a spy. Oh.

That's my husband, Sam.

Say cheese.

Cheese. Cheese.

( camera whirs )

Real shutterbug, huh?

Well, I got him the camera
to take on the cruise.

Since then, it's been like

living on Candid Camera. Mm-hm.

MAN: No, Ginger, no.

GINGER: Oh, come on,
come on. Come on, Teddy.

I'll stay in your cabin.

Who's gonna know?

Ginger, this is
as far as you go.

Oh, that's not what
you said last night.

Shh.

( Ginger laughs )

Excuse me.

TEDDY: Come on, Ginger.

You're gonna have
to leave the ship.

You're gonna get
me in hot water.

I'd say you're already in it,

clear up to your neck.

Who's the wet blanket?

Uh, Ginger, this is Julie McCoy.

She's an officer.

The most shipshape
officer I've ever served under.

Teddy, you're late,
you're improperly dressed,

and this is not
the crew entrance.

Oh, come on, Julie.

Please report to
your duty at once.

You're not pulling
rank on me, are you?

If she isn't, I am.

Uh, sir. Uh, this is
not what it looks like.

I was just doing some
advance public relations work.

Miss Ladue here happens to have

some very important contacts.

( clears throat )

Yeah. Uh, come on,
honey. Uh, Miss Ladue.

Goodbye, sir.

Okay, I'll see you next weekend.

Remember me in your
gentle dreams, huh?

Oh, Teddy. Those are
gonna be some dreams.

( both chuckle )

If we weren't sailing
in a few minutes,

I'd find a replacement
for that man.

Oh, he's not a
bad sort, captain.

And he's very popular
with the passengers.

Well, I'm sure that Miss Ladue

would be popular with
the passengers too.

But I don't have her on salary.

( camera whirs )

Oh, he is a terrific character.

The captain?

No, the, uh, reprobate
and his girlfriend.

Oh, Teddy.

You think I could, um,
get a picture of him?

Well, I'm sure you'll have
plenty of opportunities.

Uh, hey. He's
your cabin steward.

Oh, I'm sure you'll enjoy
yourselves very much.

Enjoy the next seven days.

( both laughing )

We made it.

I told you. I know.

( laughing )

Oh.

Uh, hi. We're
Mr. and Mrs. Allison.

Oh, say that again.
The Mr. and Mrs. part.

The... We just got married.

Really? Yeah.

Well, I thought
you just fell off

the top of a wedding cake.

We almost didn't
get here in time.

The minister was late.

Ah, well, have a
great honeymoon,

and I hope we'll be
seeing a lot of you.

I hope you won't.

( all chuckle )

Good morning.

Good morning.

Ah, this is our purser's lobby.

I'm a purser, I'll
show it to you.

Honey, we have to talk finances.

Now, how much was the cab?

Uh, $4 on the meter.

And a dollar tip.

Dollar tip.

A dollar tip? Bill, you know

we have to watch
every penny. ( scoffs )

Um, so your mother
gets two less postcards.

That won't work.

Why?

I only had her down for one.

Doreen, don't worry.

The way you look with
the sun in your hair,

we're not gonna have
time to write home.

Hey, you guys, look at this.

The Martin Stockwoods
have canceled their cruise.

The Promenade
Suite is going empty.

All that luxury,
completely paid for.

What a waste.

Well, if it'll make you feel
any better, I'll stay there.

But remember,

I offered to make the sacrifice.

Uh, excuse me.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, we're, uh, Mr. and
Mrs. Bill Edwards.

Hello. Welcome aboard.

Let's see. Edwards, Edwards...

Yes. You're on the
Aloha deck, Cabin 101.

Uh-oh. The boom-boom room.

Sounds like we'll be
sleeping in the bar.

No, actually, it's just
a rather small cabin.

Right above the engines.

And all night long it goes boom?

No. Boom-boom.

That's okay. Uh,
we've been saving

for this vacation
for a long time,

and the boom-boom
room will be fine.

You know, I just
had a strange idea.

Do you ever have any other kind?

The Promenade Suite.

No, we couldn't.

No way.

Nah.

No.

Why not?

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh.

( both laughing )

Oh, what a fantastic room.

Yeah. It's got a bed. Heh.

Oh. Oh.

Mm.

Kisses any different
now that we're married?

Uh-huh. Better.

You think that's better.

( giggling )

( crack )

Walt. What's wrong?

What's the matter?

My back. A muscle spasm.

Same thing I got
last year skiing.

Well... Don't touch me!

( sighs )

The doctor told me what to do.

What?

Sleep on a board
for a couple of days

and scream into my pillow.

( sobbing )

This is what's
commonly referred to

as going "first cabin."

Oh, Bill. It's beautiful.

But we couldn't.

Well, now, this is your
deluxe sitting room.

And this is your basic
champagne on ice,

compliments of the line.

And here's your view
of your Pacific ocean.

The best in the house.

We couldn't.

And these are your
luxury sleeping quarters,

complete with the
largest bed on board.

We'll take it.

But honey.

Doreen, it's no big deal.

Do you want all
this to go to waste?

Oh, no, but... it
doesn't seem right.

Oh, the line will
get their money,

and the Stockwoods
aren't gonna show up.

Sure. The only person
that could possibly care

one way or the
other is the captain,

and he's not gonna know.

( knock on door )

Uh, Mr. and Mrs.
Stockwood, I presume.

Uh, Captain Stubing.

I, uh, wanted to make a
point of welcoming you,

but I see that my crew
has beaten me to it.

( laughs )

In any case, uh, will you
dine with me tomorrow?

Ah, we, uh...

Oh, now, I will not
take, "Ah, we, well,"

for an answer.

Now, I read the article
in Fortune magazine

about your brilliant
advertising career,

and, well, I want to talk

more about it in
person. ( pats back )

I hope that the, uh,
Promenade Suite

will be up to your
usual standards.

( whimsical theme playing )

( sighs ) Well, I
guess it's back to

the boom-boom room for us.

If Mr. and Mrs. Stockwood
are not at the captain's table

tomorrow night, it's
off to the brig for us.

I forgot my cap. Excuse
me, Mr. Stockwood.

Please... call me Martin.

Martin.

( door closes )

( glasses clink )

( upbeat theme playing )

Honey, come here. Look
at these shots of the party.

Oh, won't you at least
let me finish unpacking?

Hey, I got this one in focus.

Look, you can read
the words on the cake:

"Bon Voyage."

Hey, look, there's
you and your mom.

Oh, that's a good one of Mom.

Yeah, it's pretty
good of you too. Tsk.

Aha. There's my masterpiece.

Oh, your Aunt Lilly and your dad

doing the Charleston.

Heh. That's terrific.

Tsk.

What's the matter, hon?

Nothing.

Oh. Every once in a while,

I wish I knew my father.

I know.

Look. You finish unpacking,

and we'll go check
out the ship, huh?

( sighs )

I know what you're
really after, Sam Bradley.

What?

You want a picture
of me unpacking.

( knock at door )

Excuse me.
Compliments of the ship.

Heh.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Yes. Welcome aboard.

I also have a little
gift from me to you.

Oh. Caviar. I don't
know what to say.

We'll certainly mention
your kindness to the captain.

I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

You see, it's from the
captain's private stock.

The very best. LSB. Heh.

Less said, the better.

( chuckles ): If you
know what I mean.

( chuckles )

Heh-heh. Why don't
we let this chill awhile,

and, uh, you two
go exploring the ship,

and I'll finish your unpacking.

Oh, no... Oh, look,
no trouble at all.

Just remember to
tip me handsomely

at the end of the trip.

That's all. Go
ahead. Well. All right.

See you later, Teddy.

You bet.

Whoops. Almost forgot this.

Now, look, honey, first, I
want to get a shot of you...

Sam...

( door closes )

Yeah, there.

( sighs )

( melancholy theme playing )

Oh, my God, no.

( upbeat theme playing )

Thanks, Doc. I
think this is gonna fit.

Great. 'Cause it's either
this or a formal surgical gown.

Yes, I think that's it.

Oh, it's gonna look
super with your hair.

Oh, gee, thanks for
lending it to me, Julie.

You know, I haven't had a
gown since the senior prom.

And I lost that one
on the way home.

Fell out of Bill's van. Oh.

You're gonna look incredible.

Oh, it's all so exciting.

Even if I do feel
like a criminal.

Hey. We came on this
cruise for adventure.

Honey, what are you gonna say

when the captain
wants to talk advertising?

I mean, this Martin Stockwood
is some kind of a boy wonder

on Madison Avenue.

I'm going to say:

"I'm on vacation. I'd
rather not talk shop."

Just talk about anything.
Talk about your hobby.

See, if I talk about my hobby,

it'll make Doreen blush.

I'll see you guys
in a couple hours,

in the dining room.

That'll give you an
hour to get dressed

and an hour for your hobby.

Oh. Now I'm blushing.

( piano music playing )

( sighs )

Isaac.

Gimme a drink, huh?

Are you crazy?
Aren't you on duty?

Anything that's handy,
and make it a triple.

( quietly ): You
can't drink on duty.

You're gonna get yourself fired.

Maybe. But in the meantime,
I'm gonna get myself drunk.

( sighs )

Okay, Teddy. What is it?

See that girl
sitting over there?

Yeah. Isaac...
she's my daughter.

No kidding.

You gonna introduce me?

Introduce you? I
just met her myself.

( sighs )

Yeah, I cut out on
her and her mother

when Wendy was
only eight months old.

( sighs )

Wouldn't have recognized her,

except I saw this picture
of her with my wife.

And Wendy didn't know you?

( scoffs )

You can bet there's
no picture of me

sitting on her mother's mantel.

You gonna tell her?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Well, I know what
you ought to do.

What?

Have a drink.

Isaac, you're a gentleman.

Salud. Salud.

STUBING: Mr. Anderson.

Sir.

After our recent conversation,

the last place I'd expect
to find you is in the bar.

Oh, I was just thinking
of the passengers, sir.

I mean, the glass
was filled too high,

I didn't wanna spill any
going down the passageway.

Your excuses are
going downhill, Teddy.

Ah, yes, sir. This
is your last warning.

Ah.

Hey, Teddy, what's happening?

Too much.

STUBING: Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

I hope you're
enjoying your dinner.

We have one of the
finest chefs afloat.

Oh, it's delicious.

STUBING: Sometimes
I find it too delicious.

( mouths ): Oh, hi.

Uh, well, I hope you
have a pleasant evening.

Thank you. Thank you.

( upbeat theme playing )

Mr. Beatty, why
don't you sit there.

Uh, Mr. Louden,
you can sit here.

And Mrs. Louden, why don't you
sit there beside Mr. Stockwood,

when they arrive.

D... Did you say Stockwood?

N-not Martin Stockwood.

Well, yes. I thought you might
enjoy having dinner together.

After all, you're
both in advertising.

Well, we've never met,
but I know his reputation.

Stockwood is a vulture.
How did he find out

that your client
Beatty's here with you?

With a $12 million
soap account at stake,

word gets around.

Don't worry, I'll handle it.

Listen, get nasty, hit low.

If Stockwood is here to
steal your biggest account,

he deserves a knee in the gut.

Well, here they are now.

Mr. and Mrs. Martin Stockwood.

What a wonderful,
wonderful surprise.

Mr. Stockwood, I'm Fred Beatty.

I'm in the soap business.

You are the soap business,
Mr. Beatty. ( laughs )

( chuckles ) How do you do?

Yes. Well now, this is going
to be an interesting evening.

Uh, Mr. Louden here
is also in advertising.

What a wonderful,
wonderful surprise.

( chuckles )

Well, now, shall we?

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Stockwood, uh,

right over there, please.

( upbeat theme playing )

There's no need to be
diplomatic, Stockwood.

Louden here handled

my last advertising campaign.

It was a total flop.

( clears throat )

Actually, Mr. Beatty,

we all learned a
great deal from it.

We learned it was a flop.

These boys play rough.

If you have any suggestions,

lay 'em on the table.

Not tonight.

I'm on vacation.

So am I.

There's no better time than
a vacation to talk business.

Oh, I can understand
Mr. Stockwood's position. Heh.

He doesn't wanna
just spiel something

off the top of his head
and look ridiculous.

He couldn't look
any more ridiculous

than that last campaign
your husband sold me.

This really is a jungle.

Go ahead. Spiel.

Go ahead.

No, really.

I came here to get
away from business.

Unless, of course, uh,

somebody would like to
talk about my, uh, hobby.

Martin. Uh. If, uh,
you'll excuse us.

Uh, captain, if you'd like to
join us later for a nightcap.

Oh, why, thank you.
Uh, I'd enjoy that.

Mrs. Stockwood.

Captain.

( clears throat ) Good night.

Good night. Good night.

Honey. What'd you
go and do that for?

I'm beginning to enjoy this.

( laughs )

( slow, upbeat theme playing )

You got anything to read?

Huh?

Do you have anything to read?

Well, there are three
books in the cabin.

Ah.

You can have your
pick on one condition.

What's that?

That you give me
my going-away kiss

and my coming-back
kiss right now.

Lady, you've got a deal.

( man speaks indistinctly )

Mrs. Bradley?

Would you care for an iced tea?

Thank you, Teddy.

You know, I can't tell
who's more radiant.

You or the sun.

Ha-ha-ha. You are a charmer.

( chuckles ): Yes, I am.

Well, Mrs. Bradley,

you enjoying the cruise?

I love it.

Now I can understand
why my father went to sea.

Oh.

Don't you have something to do?

Oh. Yes, sir.

So your, uh... Your
father was a seaman?

Yes. Although I hardly knew him.

He died when I was a baby.

Shipwrecked off Cape Hatteras.

STUBING: Well, I'm sorry.

I can imagine just
what he was like though.

Tall, handsome, brave.

And a wonderful captain.

Oh, he was a captain, was he?

Yes, Captain Edward R. Anderson.

He went down with the ship.

I wish I knew more about him,

but all I know is the
name of the ship.

The Caroline T.

Mm.

Well, uh, I can lend you

Berman's Encyclopedia
of American Shipwrecks

if you'd care to
do some sleuthing.

I'd love it. Good.

Now, let's see.

I have an engagement
for this evening.

What about tomorrow night?

I'm usually in my
quarters about 10.

I'll be there.

Thank you, captain.

I'll see you then.

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs )

Hello, Isaac.

Hey, look who's
here. How's the back?

Hey, that Dr., uh, Bricker,

he's a miracle worker.

He gave me some
kind of a karate chop

and two aspirins,

and now look. It's perfect.

Have you seen my wife?

Yeah. I think she's

right over there taking a nap.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want to wake her up yet.

She's still asleep.

She was up all night
playing nursemaid.

When she wakes up... tell her

I'm waiting for
her in the cabin,

all right?

The champagne is on ice.

You got it.

( whimsical theme playing )

( laughs )

Everett, I'm telling you,

you have to watch out for
that Martin Stockwood. Mm.

He's trying to
steal your account.

Yeah. He's young, but sneaky.

The old, hard-to-get,
dangle-the-bait routine.

Louden.

Ah. ( laughs )

You know, I like that
fellow, Stockwood.

His mouth isn't always
racing, with his brain in neutral.

That's a refreshing attitude

in your business, Everett.

Very refreshing.

Yes, uh, Mr. Beatty.

Everything all right,
Mrs. Stockwood?

Doreen?

Oh, hi.

Forgot my name
there for a minute.

( laughs )

How are you and, uh,
Martin getting along?

Just great.

He's loving every
minute of this.

Do you know last night

he invited the
captain by for a drink?

Oh, really?

Hey, if you're gonna
be an executive,

you gotta go all the way.

Yeah, well, there's a
very fine line between

going all the way and
going just a little too far.

There you are, Stockwood.

Doc, I'm worried.

I think Bill's in a
little over his head.

Well, why tell me about it?

You and Gopher are the
ones who put him up to it.

Mrs. Stockwood.

Hello. Hm.

I wanna pick your brain.

Oh?

Ooh!

I'm sorry, Louden.

That's gonna
leave an awful stain

on your seersuckers.

DOREEN: You can
get that out easily.

Ever hear of New Space
Age Miracle Banish?

Are you kidding?

That's my new product.

And you're right,
it really works.

Well, see, I could
never figure out

why you gave it that name.

Why didn't you call
it something simple

that says what the product does.

I mean, uh, you rub it in,
and the spots are gone.

Why didn't you
call it Spots Gone?

Spots Gone.

I like it.

I love it.

Can I use it?

Be my guest.

( whimsical theme playing )

Doc. He did it.

Bill really pulled it off.

Well, of course.

I never doubted it for a minute.

( upbeat theme playing )

I love you.

I love you too.

( sighs )

I'm never gonna
get to sleep tonight.

I know.

Here.

Let me put some more
cream on your sunburn.

( winces )

I always said you
were too hot to handle.

( upbeat theme playing )

MAN: Purser Smith,
report to your cabin.

You left your shower running.

Hop to it.

He said hop to it.

( sighs )

Oh.

( chuckles )

May I have this dance?

I think I'll sit this
one out. ( sighs )

Yes. Wrong partner.

This is the last straw.

You have violated every
standard of this ship.

Come to my office.

Now!

Ah.

( upbeat theme playing )

Here. Drink some more coffee.

Then maybe I can get
some sense out of you.

Sorry, sir.

You should be.

Well, what excuse
do you have this time?

Yeah, it's a long story, sir.

Aren't they all.

Years ago, I...

Years ago, I ran away to sea.

( scoffs )

Deserted a wonderful woman

and a beautiful baby

we brought into this world.

Alone, she raised
the child by the...

By the sweat of
her brow and the...

Mm, I can hear the
violins playing already.

You don't expect me to
buy this soap opera, do you?

Come on, captain,
it's the truth.

Believe me, it's the truth.

You may not have
believed me before,

but you can believe me now.

And that child is
on this ship now.

Young Mrs. Bradley.

My Wendy.

( sighs )

So you're Captain Anderson...

master of the Caroline T.

I've never been a
master of anything.

( sighs )

You're not gonna
tell her, are you, sir?

Well, don't you think
she'd rather have

a live father than a dead hero?

Not this father.

I'm a disgrace to my ship.

A disgrace to my family.

Disgrace to myself.

( knock at door )

WENDY: Captain Stubing?

It's Wendy Bradley.

Look, I'll leave the ship.

You'll... You'll never
set eyes on me again.

But please, don't...

Don't destroy her dream.

Please come in.

Hi. You said I could do

some snooping about my father.

Yes. Well, I wanna
tell you something...

about your father.

When you mentioned his name,

I thought it rang a bell.

It turns out that,
uh, I knew your dad.

WENDY: You knew him?

Yes. Captain Anderson and I,

uh, sailed together
on the same ship.

As a matter of fact, uh,

Teddy here sailed with him too.

Hm-hm. So you see,

you won't have to look
him up in that book.

We can tell you all
about him firsthand.

Oh, that's wonderful. I
wanna know everything.

Yes. Uh... Well, um...

Please.

( soft theme playing )

Well, the first thing
is, uh, he, uh...

He was a very nice-looking man.

Not too tall, but, uh,
very well put together.

Uh, he had a good
sense of humor,

and people loved him.

( chuckles )

Ah, you're his
daughter all right.

You've got his smile.

What else?

Uh, yes. Well,
now, uh, let's see.

Uh. Well, uh, he was

the kind of man that any girl

would love to
have as her father.

Uh... he was a fine sailor.

Uh, a good man.

Good man, yes.

Uh, a credit to any ship

upon which he sailed.

Uh... good in a crisis. Mm-hm.

Uh, dependable,
uh... Uh, strong.

Oh, yes, strong.

And, uh... Uh, well,
I think that, uh...

Uh, Teddy here can
tell you more about him.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he's everything

the captain says
he was and more.

Much more.

( chuckling )

Yeah. What a guy.

( exhales )

I can't go on
with this, captain.

( stirring theme playing )

Wendy.

( sighs )

Your father's not dead.

And he was never a... A captain.

He was never
anything more than a...

Than a ship's steward.

And he didn't
handle that too well.

( exhales )

He's none of the things
the captain said he was.

Wendy.

He's me.

I'm your father.

You?

What...?

And in all the years you...

You never even bothered...?

I wish... I wish
you'd stayed dead.

Oh, wait a minute, Wendy... No!

Wendy, please don't go. Wendy.

( sobbing ): I'm sorry.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hello. Oh, hi. Heh-heh.

How's Mrs. Lobster today?

Oh. Better, thanks.

Doc Bricker took
care of my sunburn.

Between George and me, we're
sure keeping him busy. Mm-hm.

Where is George? Did
he go into Mazatlán?

Uh-huh. I sent him in for
souvenirs of our honeymoon,

which so far isn't
much of anything.

Mm.

Well, you were smart
to stay on board.

Mexico is not known
for its shade. ( chuckling )

Now, you just stay put.

We don't want anything
else to happen to you

before he gets here.

( sedate theme playing )

( speaking inaudibly )

Aw.

How's the sunburn?

All better.

Oh.

Mm.

Thanks, honey. Oh.

They're beautiful.
You're welcome.

There was a whole field of 'em

waving in the breeze.

You know what I did? What?

Kicked off my shoes,
and I stretched out

in the middle of 'em and
just daydreamed about us.

How wonderful we are together

and how glad I am
we're married. Mm.

I love you.

Not half as much
as I love you. Mm.

What's that?

Poison ivy.

( foghorn blowing )

( slow lounge music playing )

He came up with a name
for Mr. Beatty's new product

that knocked him out.

Really? What'd he
call it: "Boxing Gloves"?

( chuckles )

Spots Gone. So simple.

Why didn't you think of it?

Look at the way
he's dancing with her.

Why don't you ever
dance with me that way?

'Cause I'm working
on another product:

Mouth Gone.

( hums )

Who told him to start
naming products?

He wasn't supposed
to get in that deep.

Well, he is in that deep,

and we're in there with him.

And if he sinks, we sink.

Don't say that on a ship.

Ah. Martin, my boy.

That Spots Gone idea of yours

is the best thing I've heard

in a long time.

Just a flash in the pan.

I don't think so.

That's why I've decided to
let Martin handle my account.

Oops.

Uh, handle... Handle your, um...

entire account?

Uh, just a minute, Mr. Beatty.

Now, if you just want
the name changed,

my company's all set up

to handle the whole campaign.

BILL: Yeah.

Uh, his company is,
uh... well-equipped.

No. I've made up my mind.

You're my man. Sorry, Loudon.

What medium should we use

to introduce the new name?

I... I wouldn't
recommend medium.

How about rare? Ha.

( laughing )

He's got a sense of humor too.

Answer the question.

Are you gonna buy
radio, TV or print?

The man has a right to know

how you're gonna
spend his money.

Uh... ( whispers ):
Do something! What?

Create a diversion. Sing. Faint.

Take off your clothes.

Gopher, I can't do that.

All right, don't sing.

( sighs )

What's the comparative
cost per thousand?

Should we discard
our market research

and test the product again?

Uh...

What do you think of
Houston as a test city?

Who's gonna do the packaging?

You know, if you're
gonna steal my account,

I have a right to know
what you're gonna do with it.

I'm not trying to
steal your account.

I'm not Martin Stockwood.

What?

And I'm not in advertising.

How's he doing?

I'm Bill Edwards. I
work in a supermarket.

I told you not to get involved.

You've got to be kidding.

The suite we're in

costs more than I
make in six months.

I went along with it
because I wanted Doreen,

just once, to have
the best of everything.

Even if I could never
give it to her again.

Young man, are you telling me

that you're an imposter?

No. I'm a glorified
checker. Heh.

He is not. He's an
assistant manager.

But whatever I am, I'm sorry.

Oh, have you seen the
Stockwoods this evening?

Yes, sir, they're
out on the bow.

Stern. Uh, fantail.

Right. We'll take you
there. Right this way.

Are you sure you
know where they are?

Just saw them a moment
ago, right out here.

( upbeat theme playing )

Doc, I'm telling you,
we're in a real jam.

"We're?"

Julie and I cannot go hustling

the captain around this ship

every time he bumps into
"the Martin Stockwoods."

If he finds out the truth,
the captain's gonna kill us.

Us.

So what are we gonna do?

Kill him first?

( sighs )

Well, there's really
only one thing to do.

I'll just go to him and
make a clean breast

of the whole situation.

I'll just explain
to him, "Sir...

"we were overbooked...

"uh, through an
oversight, "and, uh...

"there was a whole
cabin that was empty,

"uh, and under
the circumstances,

we... We thought, uh..."

Uh...

Works for me.

Or there's Plan B.

And what's that?

You tell him.

Uh, do I look like a Plan B?

Look, with the
kind of fix you're in,

you don't need an Adam Bricker.

You need an F. Lee Bailey.

These work for headaches?

Are you sure you don't
mind if I go into Ensenada?

Oh, no, no.

Why should you
have a horrible time

just because I've
got poison ivy?

Poor baby.

Oh, well, don't worry about it.

It's almost gone. I...

I'm gonna have the
doctor check it out

once more this afternoon.

I'll be back before you know it.

I'll have the champagne
waiting on ice

when you get back.

Oh, um... Um... Um...

( playful theme playing )

( inhales )

( exhales )

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blows )

Oh, are we sailing already?

Yes, madam.

Oh good. I made
it back just in time.

Open up, honey, and
see what I bought for you.

( gasps )

Oh, I'm sorry. I must
have the wrong cabin.

I thought this was
Promenade 342.

Well, it is Promenade 342.

Well, where's George?

There's no George here.

There's just me
and the little woman.

What have you done
with my husband?

This is our honeymoon.

Young woman, if you
don't leave immediately,

I'm going to call
Captain Norton.

"Norton"?

The captain's name is Stubing.

Captain Norton is captain
of the Sun Princess.

The Sun Princess?

Oh, no. I'm on the wrong ship!

( upbeat theme playing )

So the porcupine says to
the stewardess... ( chuckles )

( ringing )

Ah. Excuse me, Doc.

Just put your stewardess
in a holding pattern.

Why not? I've been
doing it all my life.

Yeoman Purser Smith.

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Bye.

Let me guess.

Uh, her husband,
the weightlifter,

found out about you two.

Mrs. Allison.

She got on the wrong ship.

Oh, no.

Doc, how am I gonna
break the news to that guy?

Well... as the porcupine

said to the stewardess...
"very carefully."

Thanks a lot, Doc.

( playful theme playing )

Ahem.

( sighs )

Mr. Allison.

Hi, it's Gopher.

Uh, your assistant purser. Yeah.

Uh, sir, I've got a
message about your wife.

Uh, well, you know that old joke

about the good news
and the bad news?

Well, do you know the one

about the porcupine
and the stew...

Uh... Uh, certainly,
sir. I'm coming to that.

Uh... Well, you
see, the good news

is that your wife is okay.

And the bad news,
uh, is that she's not...

here.

But the good news is
that she got on the ship,

but the bad news is that
she got on the wrong ship.

Uh, no, no. No, sir. No.

The good news is that
she got off the wrong ship

before it sailed and took
a plane to Los Angeles,

and the bad news is that...

Hey. No bad news.
Isn't that great?

( chuckles )

Mr. Allison?

Sir, don't. Please.

Pl...

Sir? I can't bear to hear
a grown man cry, sir.

( upbeat theme playing )

I'm sorry, guys.

I guess I really made
a mess of things.

I don't know why
you're apologizing.

I'm the one who
got you into this.

No, I'm the one who
should apologize.

I should've insisted
we keep our own cabin.

No, no, it was my fault.

It was my idea
in the first place.

All together now!

ALL: I'm sorry!

Hey, guys, I would
have joined in,

but I hate to take
sides in these things.

But I am sorry.

I guess I got a little
drunk with power.

It's... It's funny, you know,

when they think you're a wheel,

they hang on your every word.

You're still a
wheel to me, honey.

( knock on door )

Mr. Beatty.

BILL: Mr. Beatty.

Allow me to apologize again.

Sir, allow all of
us to apologize.

Let's not go into that again.

Son, never apologize
for sound thinking.

Mr. Beatty likes your style,

and you know what?

I do too.

You're in that
supermarket every day,

watching people,
listening to them.

We sit in our offices
and get carried away

with our blue-sky theories.

You know, sometimes
we need somebody

to put us back in touch.

Tell him, Everett.

We're prepared to offer you

a job in the agency.

You'll only have
trainee status, of course.

But we feel you'll only be
a trainee for a short while.

You'll be working on my account.

How does that sound?

Scary. I've never
studied advertising.

I only know the supermarket.

What do you think, hon?

I think once you
make up your mind,

you can do anything.

Then...? Then it's yes?

Yes. Congratulations.

Congratulations. Marvelous.

Thank you.

I know you're going to enjoy
working with my husband.

And we're gonna get
to know each other.

No, please don't thank me.

Your happiness is reward enough.

( all speaking at same time )

And you guys didn't
think I could pull it off.

( melancholy theme playing )

( sighs )

Teddy wants to talk to you.

Sam, for the last time, I
don't wanna talk to him.

I spent most of the
afternoon with him.

He made a big mistake,

but I think he paid for it.

Look, honey, he and your mom

could never have
made a go of it,

but as for how he
feels about you...

you're his child.

At least give him a
chance to explain.

How can he explain
26 years of not caring?

I can't.

( sighs )

God knows I did care.

I do care.

But what did I
have to offer you?

Never been long
on responsibility.

I can't keep a
dollar in my pocket.

I drink too much, and
I've never told the truth

when a lie would do.

( sighs )

The truth is, I would have
made your life miserable.

No.

( sighs )

I know it doesn't do any
good to say I'm sorry, and I...

I don't expect
you to forgive me.

But I want you to know
that I realize now that...

I've cheated myself of 26...

of the best years
a man could have.

Twenty-six years of knowing you.

Don't go.

( sobbing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blows )

Well, Mr. Allison, I
hope you had a... A...

A... We had everything.

Third-degree sunburn,

poison ivy, muscle spasm,

and now two days' separation.

Well, you're lucky.

It could have been
a longer cruise.

That was a joke. I'm sorry.

SALLY: George! George!

Oh, Sally, sweetheart.

Oh. I missed you so much.

Me too. Oh, George, I'm sorry.

All the ships look the same...

Oh, it's all right.
It's all right.

Come on, Mrs. Allison.

Let's go have our
honeymoon at home. Mm.

Mm.

With their luck, their
cab will probably

have a flat tire.

That ought to give you
time to get organized.

I don't know how to
thank you, Mr. Louden.

Nonsense. As far
as I'm concerned,

it's a coup for us.

Spots Gone. I love it.

Well... bye, guys.

Bye. And thanks.

Bye. I'm really glad that
everything worked out.

Me too. Lucky for us,

the captain still hasn't a clue.

Uh, Mr. Edwards, I believe.

I think he has a clue.

Uh, yes, ahem, captain.

I, uh, just had a call

from a Mr. Martin Stockwood.

Well, apparently, you
borrowed his suites.

Uh, yes, sir.

You Madison Avenue
types will go to any length

to land an account, won't you?

It is absolutely amazing.

It really is a jungle
out there, isn't it?

"Spots Gone." I'm
glad I thought of that.

( laughs )

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, it's a terrible
thing, being your father.

Why?

What's so terrible about it?

One thing, beat
myself out of a big tip.

WENDY: We're gonna
see you in two weeks.

Right? Mm-hm.

I can't wait to show
you the new apartment.

I'll be there with bells on.

Hold it. WENDY: Oh, Sam.

That's another terrible
thing about being your father.

I feel like I'm on
Candid Camera.

Ha-ha! You too?

Goodbye, dad.

"Dad." It sounds nice.

It sure does, honey.

Two weeks.

Right.

( sighs )

Nice family you've got there.

Yeah, thanks to you, captain.

Being a parent seems
to be good for you.

I've never seen
you so... efficient.

So punctual. Yeah.

Well, I've got
responsibilities to live up to.

Hey, Teddy!

Hey, Ginger, baby!

( chuckles )

Uh, Miss Ladue.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )