The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Old Man and the Runaway/The Painters/A Fine Romance - full transcript

( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪



♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( horn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hi.

( groans )



Can I help you, sir?

Now that I'm aboard this
tub, what else is there to do

aside from keeping lookout
for whales and shark?

Oh, well, we have
deck tennis, Ping-Pong,

and there are two
swimming pools onboard.

I'm sure you'll make a
big splash, mister, uh...?

Bootherstone.
Franklyn Bootherstone.

No, I don't care for your
Ping-Pong or deck tennis.

As for swimming, the
only time I go swimming

is when the Monongahela
River gets nasty

and spits up all over
McKeesport, Pennsylvania.

Oh. Well, how about
your socializing?

No, I don't want to get mixed up

with one of your
Sun City swingers.

I'm here for solitude
and the sea air.

Not to mingle with
some blue-rinsed hairdo

looking for action.

Yes, sir.

Yes, ma'am.

Good morning.

Nice morning, captain.

Nice? It's a great morning.

Well, I'm glad to see
you're so chipper, sir,

but this is just another cruise.

Oh, for you, perhaps.

Not for me.

While we were in port,
they repainted my cabin.

Hm-hm.

Come, Dr. Bricker. Join me.

Feast your eyes.

Good to have you
aboard, Mr. and Mrs. Black.

Sean?

Sean McGlynn.

Julie McCoy.

Bobby's sister.

( gasps )

I don't believe it.

Little Julie?

Boy, it's great to see you.

How long's it been?

Practically forever.

Yeah, about the same length
of time I've been waiting in line.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Uh, your name?

Mickey. Mickey O'Day.

You my roommate?

No.

Um... your roommate is, uh...

Mr. McGlynn here.

Hi.

You're sharing Cabin 314.

Fiesta Deck.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

Hey, grab this, will you?

I got a bum ticker. Ha.

( playful theme playing )

See you later?

Yeah, just try and escape.

( chuckles )

STUBING: Miss McCoy.

Join us for the unveiling.

Captain, if I know
the ship's painters,

they've just brightened
up the old dingy off-white

with a coat of new
dingy off-white.

No. These are new
painters that I found.

Artists.

Color Coordinate
Consultants, Inc.

Good painters, huh?

Not just painters.

Tint engineers.

What?

You heard. Tint engineers.

You see, the captain
selected a unique color

that had to be mixed
especially for him.

Singapore sunset saffron.

The color is like the
early morning sun

glistening over the
straits of Calcutta.

The noon haze over Ceylon.

Look. This is a sample.

Oh, yellow.

Well... how did it come out?

Oh, captain, I'm
glad we ran into you.

It's not quite bone-dry yet.

Well, can I look at it? Ah.

Well, it's now 10:20.

Please. Just a
peek. ( cart rolling )

Oh, well, if you
put it that way, sir.

Of course.

The cart.

The cart.

Isaac!

( grunts )

I think I need two coats.

I think you'll like the way

we painted your cabin, captain.

Ah, yes, and do be careful.

The trim is still moist.

That's why we put up
the "moist paint" sign.

( both ): Where?

Right here, Captain Dept.

That's "deputy captain."

You've painted the wrong cabin.

Oh.

Deputy captain.

BOTH ( in unison ): You
painted the wrong room.

Cabin.

You two will stay on this
ship until my cabin is painted,

and painted to my satisfaction.

Ah, ah... Aye, aye, sir.

How many times have I told
you to check something out

so that we don't
waste our energy?

I always check things out

so we don't waste our energy.

Well, you obviously didn't do

too good a job of it this time,

because we wasted
a... ( horn blowing )

And here we are. Huh.

Put that there.

Now, this is your closet.

Yes. My closet.

And this is your light switch.

Yes. My light switch.

And this is my ceiling,
and this is my floor.

Well, actually, sir, you know,

this isn't my normal job.

I'm really an
officer on this ship.

How wonderful for you, officer.

And this is your bathroom here.

Young man, I've lived on
this planet some 75 years,

and, uh, by this time

I think I know how
a bathroom works.

Of course. Here. Take this.

Go buy yourself a good
cigar or a cheap cup of coffee.

Oh. Well, sir, you know,

if there's anything
you need. Anything I...

That's all you're going to get.

And close the door after you.

( sighs )

( whistling )

( horn blowing )

( majestic theme playing )

( people chattering excitedly )

( groans )

( sighs )

( whistles )

Pay all this money
for a stateroom,

you can't even get
in the bathroom.

( grunts )

What's happening?

What...? What's happening?

I'm trying to get into my john.

Who are you and why
are you hiding in there?

I'm not hiding in there.

I work here.

I'm your chambermaid.

Nonsense.

You don't look old enough

to be a chambermaid.

Almost 26.

Hm. Hm, hm. Where?

But I look much younger,
because I eat right.

Get plenty of rest, exercise.

And I'm at peace
with the cosmos.

Well...

before they make you a
saint, tell me who you are now.

I told you, I'm
your chambermaid.

Nonsense.

Chambermaids wear uniforms.

They don't go around
dressed like the groupies

from the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.

Pretty smart for
a senior citizen.

Don't you patronize
me. I want the truth.

Or at least a
good first-class lie.

All right.

Did you ever hear
of the Junior CIA?

Oh, no, no. Good heavens.

I'm a beautiful heiress
being chased by kidnappers.

I'm going to have you
hauled in for trespassing.

No, please!

Don't. Ooh.

Leave those alone.

My name is Nancy Brown.

Ah-ha-ha-ha. And I am John Doe.

Well, it is... my real name.

Honest.

How come you're alone?

I mean, a nice, distinguished-
looking man like you.

Don't you try to
flatter me, you twerp.

I'm the one that's
asking the questions.

What are you doing on this ship?

Traveling.

Why, you gonna make
something out of it?

You are a runaway, aren't you?

Aren't you?!

Things were getting
heavy at home.

Hm.

( chuckles )

And you just couldn't get along

with your parents, huh?

My parents died in an
accident a long time ago.

Mm-hm.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

Every day.

Who are you living with now?

Foster parents.

My fifth set. They're the pits.

Pits?

Pits.

I mean, they won't
let me grow up.

They tell me what to wear.

What to think.

Who to go out with.

So you packed your
bubble gum and hit the road.

I have to make it to Acapulco.

Acapulco?

Mm.

What's there, there, outside
of humidity you can drink

and tap water you can't?

Randy.

Oh, Randy.

I might have known.

We met at a concert.

It was great.

We spent two days together
waiting in line to get in.

We built a very
meaningful relationship.

Two days?

You had a meaningful
relationship?

( chuckles )

Ah, why not?

With the generation that
just wants instant orange juice

and instant coffee.

Well, we did.

Young lady, I had a
meaningful relationship too.

Only it took me
45 years to build it.

( sighs )

With my wife, Evelyn.

Oh.

Where is she?

I lost her.

Six months ago.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

( melancholy theme playing )

Every day.

All right, uh, Miss, uh, uh...

Brown. Miss Brown.

I can see that you
have problems...

but I think it's time
that you got off this ship.

No. Wait a minute.

Don't... Don't...
Don't turn me in.

You are going to
have to get off this ship.

Okay.

But you better
find me a life jacket.

Why?

We pulled out of San
Pedro 5 minutes ago.

( playful theme playing )

( majestic theme playing )

Then comes the social
hour in the lounge.

That's when you
scout the action.

'Course you got money
in the bank with that

cute little Julie up there.

She really gave you that
moo-goo-gai-pan look.

Oh, don't be silly.

She's my best
friend's kid sister.

You play your cards right,

this could be a
dynamite cruise for you.

Uh-oh, time for my pill.

Some doctor I got.

Diagnosing a heart condition

in a man as young
and vital as myself.

That doctor could
see me with the ladies,

he'd have a heart attack.

These things would
choke Seattle Slew.

( whinnies )

Hey, come on, let's get going.

( claps hands )

Let's get out there
and meet some dames.

Straighten up there, babe. Hm.

Oh, you're gonna
kill 'em, sweetheart.

( kisses hand )

( lighthearted theme playing )

No, no, but suppose
someone did sneak aboard

as a stowaway.

What would the ship's policy be?

Well, sir, they'd be placed
ashore at the first port.

Unless of course, they're
willing to pay their passage.

But why are we supposing?

Sir, no one sneaks aboard
this ship without my knowledge.

I have my eyes
peeled at all times

warily scanning the
area for interlopers.

But somebody did sneak aboard
and she's in my cabin right now.

'Course, I only have two eyes,

and I can't be
everywhere at once.

I'm surprised Julie
didn't notice her.

Wh... But don't worry, sir,

if she's on board I'll have
her removed immediately.

Forcibly if necessary.

Just a minute, officer.

The truth is, she's
my granddaughter.

Your granddaughter?

Yes. She didn't notice
the ship had left port.

I'll gladly pay for her passage.

Uh, how about a cabin?

Well, sir, that
could be a problem.

You see, we're all sold out.

There isn't another
cabin on the entire ship.

They got a spare lifeboat? No.

You got room in
the swimming pool?

The shallow end?

How about the deeper
end? She's a good swimmer.

Sir, if she's your
granddaughter,

why doesn't she
share your cabin?

Well, why didn't I
think of that before?

( chuckles )

Because the idea stinks.

That idea stinks, Julie.

It was your idea, Gopher.

( pleasant theme playing )

What'd you drag me
down here for, anyway?

We could have
eaten in the cabin.

I don't want to
attract ants. Here.

Don't do me any favors.

Do me a favor, and
try and act like a lady.

Let's see...

I hope you're
hungry. I'm starved.

Do you have a hollow leg
to match your hollow head?

What are you doing?

Cool it. There goes the captain.

If he sees me, I've had it.

"If." Heh.

I think, uh, I'll start with
some deep-fried clams,

a bowl of chowder.

But I'm torn between
the lobster Newburg

and seafood au gratin.

Mm. What time is the funeral?

What do you mean by that?

Those things will put you away.

Nonsense.

Seafood's good for you.

Did you ever see
an unhealthy shark?

Sharks do not eat sauces
which plug up his arteries.

( sighs ): Ah, very well.

I'll try the Mexican menu.

Enchilada con mole,

chileana re...
Rellena... And a burrito.

There's enough
spice in that stuff

to give high blood
pressure to a dump truck.

Well, what do you
want me to eat?

I'm not in the mood
for a bowl of oatmeal.

Well, there are
plenty of things here

that make a positive, organic
and nutritional statement.

I don't want my food
to make a statement.

I want it to lie quietly on
my fork and die happy.

How about some of these:

spinach salad
with alfalfa... Yech.

Hearts of kale... Yech.

Watercress and
Bibb-lettuce salad.

What am I supposed
to do after I eat that?

Give four quarts of milk?

Now what? There's
the captain again.

I'm sure he's looking for
me. ( mutters indistinctly )

Uh, captain?

Oh, yes, sir?

Uh, Bootherstone.
Franklyn B. Bootherstone.

Uh, this young
twerp is, uh, Nancy.

Well, it's nice to
have you on board.

Can I help you?

Yes, we were just discussing

some of the finer
points of maritime law.

Is it true they no longer
use the cat-o'-nine-tails

on stowaways?

Yes, that's right.

Uh, we outlawed
that cat-o'-nine-tails

many years ago.

Now we just make
stowaways walk the plank.

Just as I thought.

Thank you, captain.

What did you have to go
and mention stowaways for?

Now I'm sure he'll
be looking for me.

No he won't. How do you know?

Because in a moment of
madness I uncorked my checkbook

and paid for your passage.

You what?

I told them that you
were my granddaughter.

You did that for me? Mm-hm.

Oh, that's terrific!

I love it. Oh! Hey,
no, no. Don't hug me.

Don't hug me here in public.

Uh, feed me.

Okay, but you're gonna
have to eat my way.

Do I have to?

Yes, you have to.

Hi. We'll have one burrito
and some french fries,

and just a couple
of fried clams.

Start being healthy tomorrow.

Mm.

( both laughing )

( mellow jazz theme playing )

I know what's different.

What?

You've got your braces off.

Yes. You can't call me
Metal Mouth anymore. Heh.

Metal Mouth?

You've grown into
a beautiful woman.

I mean a really beautiful woman.

( jazz music playing )

That's a pretty song.

Would you like to dance?

Huh. I'm not much in
the dance department.

Julie. Telephone.

Oh, thanks.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Don't go away. Oh! Not me.

Classy, huh? Ha.

Julie? Oh-ho.

None finer.

Thank you.

Let me tell you somethin', kid.

She digs you.

( scoffs )

We've known each
other since we were kids.

Oh, yeah?

But she's not a kid anymore.

( laughs )

No, she isn't.

I happen to know
from past experience.

This time of night, the most
romantic spot on the ship

is the Riviera Deck,
overlooking the fantail.

Sorry. Heh.

Hey, why don't we go to some
nice quiet place and relax?

I-I know just the place.

The card room.

We can play a game of bridge.

Bridge?

Well, I'm really not very good.

Well, that's because
you don't play enough.

Bridge.

Gee, that sounds
like a lot of fun.

Come on.

You know, they had their nerve

calling that thing we
ate for dinner a burrito.

NANCY: I thought it was great.

Just goes to show, you don't
know anything about burritos.

And I suppose you do,

coming from
McKeesport, Pennsylvania,

burrito capital of the world.

I just know what I like, and I
know that thing had no body,

and no flavor, and the
sauce had no bite in it.

Is this what you're
wearing to bed?

I have to.

The one that says "Breakfast
of Champions" is still drying.

My land, I'm sharing
my room with a billboard.

( giggles )

What are you doing here? Heh.

The laundry? Nope.

No, I'm going to have
a little privacy in here,

I think.

Can you hand me that, uh,
blanket there, the blue one?

Okay.

Throw it over.

Thatta girl. Heh-heh.

Hey, where'd you ever come
up with a gimmick like this?

Well, didn't you ever see
It Happened One Night?

If it worked for Clark
Gable, it can work for me.

Who's Clark Gable?

You don't know
who Clark Gable is?

Uh-uh.

Well, let me put it this way:

if Charlie Bronson were really
tough, he'd be Clark Gable.

( chuckles )

NANCY: Evelyn, here.

Your wife, she's really pretty.

Yes. Yes she is.

( tender theme playing )

You know, it's a funny thing.

I was always the one who
was running to the doctor

with heart pains and backaches,

and in the long
run, she went first.

It's not fair, is it?

Who said life was fair?

Do you have any kids?

No, we were never blessed.

But without Evelyn, my
life is just like that burrito:

no flavor, no zest.

Well, why are we
getting so morbid?

What is this, True Confessions?

Come on. Let's get to bed.

It's getting late.

And if you snore, I'll
stuff you out the porthole.

I don't snore. Heh-heh.

Go on, get to bed.

Thanks.

For what?

Well, if it weren't for you,

I'd probably be sleeping
in the boiler room tonight.

( laughs )

Ohhhh, forget it.

( tender theme swells )

I won't forget it.

Grandpa.

Go to sleep.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )

What are you doing, Gopher?

I just wrote a letter to my
grandmother in Florida.

She really loves
to hear from me.

( sighs ) And you
expect her to get it?

Last letter I sent,
she got in 18 months.

In a bottle?

No, I mailed that one.

Come on, just take one shot.

Only shot I'll take
will be at the bar.

This is a ship and everybody
plays shuffleboard on a ship.

All right, but I don't see
any point in a silly game

where you take a
stick and shove...

Incredible. You sure
you never played?

Beginner's luck. I
don't believe you.

All right, I'll play you
a game and prove it.

Okay, but not for money.

I think you're a hustler.

( both laugh )

Drop cloths?

Check.

Scaffold? Check.

Pigment applicators.

Check, check.

( knock on door )

Who is it?

STUBING: Captain Stubing.

Oh, just one moment, sir.

Oh, you're just in time, sir.

We just finished.

You haven't done anything.

You haven't finished painting.

Oh, not the painting, sir.

We've just finished the mixing.

Two days and all you've
done is mix the paint?

But, sir, uh...

Uh, Singapore sunset saffron

is not what you would
call an easy shade.

That's not right.

It's not right?

That's not Singapore
sunset saffron.

Now, are you sure you
have the formula right?

Oh, ab... Absolutely, sir.

I have it... I
have it right here.

Let's see, uh...

Uh... Oh. Singapore
sunset saffron.

"One gallon cadmium base,

"one half-ounce
carmine, "one cc ocher,

and two smidgens titian."

Uh, I thought you said,
ahem, three smidgens titian.

( chuckles )

No, I, uh...

I, um, distinctly said
two smidgens titian.

Well, that's no problem, Ronald.

I'll simply remove one
small smidgen titian like this:

( chuckles )

Just mix the paint
and get on with it.

( door shuts )

Um, but it's all mixed up.

You... You can't simply
remove one small smidgen titian

like this:

( playful theme playing )

Kemosabe.

Well, as long as you're getting
ridiculous about this, Ronald.

No, no, I think you
should think this over...

Miss McCoy, if you don't
get your painters to finish

with my cabin today,

I'll have them thrown
off at the first port of call.

I'll take care of
that right away, sir.

Now, I have had enough of this!

Hi, Julie.

If I crossed my legs like that,

I'd have to pry 'em
apart with a crowbar.

Aw, don't be so stubborn.

Come on, give it a try.

What have you got
to lose? ( grunting )

My circulation.

( grunts )

You're getting it.

There we go.

My blood's going places

it hasn't been in for 60 years.

( both laughing )

Now chant.

( chanting): Om.

Om.

Now you try.

( chanting ): Om.

Om.

♪ Home on the range ♪

♪ Where the deer And
the antelopes play ♪

BOTH: ♪ Where seldom is
heard A discouraging word ♪

♪ And the skies are
not Cloudy all day ♪

Ah!

( both laughing )

( light-hearted theme playing )

Oh. Oh.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

( laughing ): I... I
couldn't be better.

Keeping busy?

Well, yeah, there's
always something.

Listen. Uh... I'm on
a break right now,

and I've got some
great snapshots

of the old gang
down in my cabin.

Come on, let's go take a look.

Okay?

Oh, I don't know.

It's a shame to
waste this weather

in a stuffy old cabin.

Right. Right.

Um...

Sean?

Yeah?

I'm kind of a direct person.

I like things on the line.

Is there some reason

why the two of us can't, uh...?

I mean, uh... Yeah?

How come we...

a-a-aren't, uh... jogging?

( majestic theme playing )

I couldn't believe
it when Julie said

we won the dance contest.

Where'd you learn how to
do the bump and the hustle?

The bump and the hustle?

I beg your pardon. I
was doing the Charleston.

What's the Charleston?

Oh, just a dance
Clark Gable used to do.

Heh, heh. Our dancing
days are now over.

Tomorrow we'll be in Acapulco,

and you'll see Randy,
your consort prince of acne.

He doesn't have acne.

He's almost 19.

And you're almost 16.

Tell me, what do you two
old fogies do on dates?

Help one another in
and out of wheelchairs?

Age is only in the mind.

Let me tell you, when
you get to be my age,

it's also in the body.

And my mind and body
tells me that you are, uh...

Are doing the wrong
thing, runnin' off together.

But we're not just
gonna live together, y...

We're getting married.

Mm-hm.

I mean, isn't that what
turns on your generation?

There's something else that
turns on our generation too:

that is to let a
relationship grow,

and learn another
person's faults and virtues,

his hopes, his dreams,

before you make the
commitment of marriage.

I know all that sounds
good and everything,

but half of my friends'
parents are divorced.

I know.

I'm just saying that you
ought to take more time.

Well, you're not even
out of high school.

You think Randy's going
to stay interested in a girl

who could not bisect
an isosceles triangle?

( both chuckle )

You know, for a man
who never had kids,

you sure have a lot of
fatherly advice to hand out.

I'm not telling you anything
that your foster parents

couldn't have told you.

Oh, no.

No, you allow me
to argue with you.

You discuss.

You... You give me alternatives.

With them, there
was only one answer.

It was no, and they
put their foot down.

( stomps foot )

Hm. If I stomped
my foot like that,

I'd bust my support hose.

( stage whispering ): Why
don't you go back to L.A.?

Hm?

( quiet upbeat theme playing )

I guess you're right.

But I'm gonna have to
tell Randy face to face.

I mean, it'd be rotten of
me not just to show up.

True.

When I come back from Acapulco,

I'm gonna bring you
back a burrito so spicy,

you're gonna have more
gas than the Shah of Iran.

Goodie, goodie, goodie, goodie.

( both laughing )

( light-hearted theme playing )

( sighs )

Oh, you look very nice, sir,

but be careful on your way out.

Wet paint, you know.

Don't worry about
my being careful.

Just you be careful.

( sighing )

Singapore sunset saffron.

( sighing ): It's marvelous.

( door closes )

( upbeat theme playing )

I just can't believe

that we've got the rest
of the evening together.

And the night is still young.

( sighs )

Cold?

A little.

Oh, here's my coat. Heh.

I'll help you.

Thanks.

Sean?

What is it, Metal Mouth?

It's just been so
great seeing you

after all these years.

And you must know
I've had a crush on you

since... Since I can't
remember when.

( soft romantic theme playing )

A crush?

Yeah.

You're gonna have to excuse me.

I-I-I just remembered.

Uh, I-I have all these postcards
I promised to write, and...

And if I don't get
them done tonight,

they wont' be ready to mail
when we reach port tomorrow.

Postcards?

I knew you'd understand.

The night is young, my fanny.

( melancholy theme playing )

Hi, Doc.

Hi.

Well, your dress
designer was doing great

till he got to the coat.

Julie?

( crying ): Doc, what's
the matter with me?

Hey. Easy, kid.

What is it?

I think I love him,

and he couldn't
care less about me.

Sean?

Of course he cares.

Then why won't he
make a pass at me?

Well, let me put it this way:

( sighs )

It's a mystery to me.

Look, some guys are just shy.

Why don't you
make a pass at him?

I have been making passes.

At least, I think I have.

Well, you see,
if you're not sure,

he probably isn't either.

Well, what am I supposed
to do, hit him over the head?

It'd be a novel approach.

It might work.

Thanks, Doc.

( tender theme playing )

What a band.

They are hot.

This is gonna be
a three-shirt night.

Why don't you come with
me. You'll have a great time.

That cute little Julie's
probably waiting

up there for you.

Not tonight.

Man, I don't understand you.

Here you got this doll
who's crazy about you,

and you don't take her up on it.

You wanna end up a lonely,
desperate man like me?

( knocking on door )

Yeah.

Well, hey. Hi, good lookin'.

I was just leaving.

Go for it.

Hey, hey, hey.

( sultry voice ): You
forgot your jacket.

Well, uh, I, uh, um...

( romantic theme playing )

But I... Don't talk.

Huh?

Listen. I'm not Bobby's
little sister anymore.

I'm a full-grown,
red-blooded American woman.

( muffled ): I can see that.

( normal voice ): Huh?

I can see that.

( sultry voice ): Anyway,
what I'm looking for

is a full-grown,
red-blooded American man.

( sighs )

( normal voice ): That
sounded really stupid,

didn't it?

I don't believe I said that.

Well, this whole seduction
thing is an obvious bust.

I'm the bust.

I couldn't vamp a guy

who's been on a desert
island for 40 years.

Oh, wait. Sure you could.

You're a fantastic lady,

and I think you're great.

( tender theme playing )

( grunts )

I don't wanna interrupt this,

but I think I'm
having a heart attack.

Do you think you
could find me a doctor?

And... a priest?

( Julie dialing )

Make that just a doctor.

( quiet dramatic theme playing )

You're a priest?

( quiet upbeat theme playing )

Now I have to make confession.

Confess outside. He
needs a little sleep.

Everything's gonna be okay.

I've given you a mild
sedative to relax you,

and I'll drop in a couple
of times during the night.

Thanks, Doc.

Anything else you need?

Yeah.

You could stop by
the Acapulco Lounge

and tell that cute little
redhead I was dancing with

I'm gonna have to
sit the next one out.

And so I went on this cruise
to try and sort things out.

As a priest, I
felt out of touch.

They call it a crisis of faith,

but I found out that
with or without the collar,

a priest is who I am.

Well, I feel like an idiot
coming onto you like that.

You didn't know,
and you're not an idiot.

And if things had
been different,

things might have
been different.

I couldn't understand why
you didn't want to dance.

You used to be
such a terrific dancer.

( sighs )

I didn't think I'd be any good.

I haven't had
much practice lately.

Well, there's no time
like the present, Father.

( sighs )

Well, I'll try not to step
on your toes, Metal Mouth.

( both chuckle )

( slow dance song playing )

Mm. Heh.

( lively upbeat theme playing )

Morning, sir.

How's the cabin look?

( quietly ): It's
not finished yet.

No need to worry, Miss McCoy.

Singapore sunset
saffron is worth the wait.

A Singapore who, sir?

Sunset saffron.

It's a color.

A very personal color.

One that up to this point has
only been in my mind's eye.

Oh, yellow.

It's Singapore sunset saffron.

But, sir, this looks
like yellow to me.

Um... this yellow!

STUBING: Ridiculous.

Oh.

It's the same.

( playful theme playing )

My entire ship is painted
Singapore sunset saffron.

But, sir, what could
be more personal?

( sighs )

Captain, we're all finished.

Oh, your Singapore
sunset saffron is sensational.

Mm-hm.

Blue. Paint it blue.

Blue?

Just plain blue, sir?

Uh, how about
Bulgarian navy blue?

I don't care.
Just paint it blue.

All of it!

The trim? The woodwork?

Everything.

Everything will be
blue... ( splashing )

My shoes are yellow.

Not yellow, sir.

Singapore sunset saffron.

( gentle theme playing )

( pianist playing
soft jazz music)

Oh, good evening,
Mr. Bootherstone.

How was Acapulco?

Nice, Julie, if you like
quaint little Mexican souvenirs

made in quaint little Japan.

Hey, candles,
flowers, bottle on ice.

You got a heavy date?

My granddaughter. Heh-heh.

And from the way she eats,

I think she would
never be heavy.

One of her ancestors
must have been a rabbit.

( giggles )

Where is Nancy?

She'll be aboard soon.

She's saying goodbye
to a young man.

Oh.

Well, you have
a terrific dinner.

And don't let all that
champagne go to your head.

Not for me.

Nancy's only 16.

( sighs )

According to her taste,

I had the steward make
up a bag of my carrot juice.

( sniffs )

Mm.

Thank you.

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING ( on PA ): Good
evening, ladies and gentlemen.

We hope you enjoyed
your stay in Acapulco.

Our next stop: Puerto Vallarta,

at 0800 tomorrow morning.

( sighs )

( melancholy theme playing )

( grunts )

( lively tropical
theme playing )

Mr. Bootherstone?

How are you today?

Perfect.

Uh, did you have
fun in Puerto Vallarta?

Fun?

Is that all you people
on board ship think about,

fun, fun, fun?

Who goes on a
cruise ship to have fun.

I haven't seen your
granddaughter today.

She stayed back in Acapulco.

Would you like me to
notify the authorities?

No, she's a grown girl.

Perfectly able to
take care of herself.

Let her do her own
thing, and I'll do mine.

Hey, mister, want
a taste of burrito

that could set
your house on fire?

Nancy! Hi.

( laughing )

Oh, don't do that!

What? Why not?

You just killed your burrito.

Oh.

( both laughing )

Nancy. Heh, heh, heh, heh.

You were worried.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, I was. A little.

Come on. A lot.

( both laugh )

Oh, Nancy.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

But Randy and I got hung
up in this long conversation.

Before we knew it,
the ship was gone.

But he drove all night
to catch up with the ship.

That was real nice of him.

He's a nice guy.

Oh, and he agrees with you.

We should wait to get married.

He's also a bright guy.

And I'm gonna go
and finish school...

even if it does mean

staying with those
people in Santa Monica.

They may not be as
bad as you think they are.

You're 16.

After all, that'll be
only two more years.

Two years.

It might as well be a hundred.

No, time flies.

( both chuckle )

( upbeat theme playing )

Gopher, is that
the captain's plant?

That's right.

I'm the only one
he trusts with it.

You know, I've done a
lot of reading about plants,

and that particular kind

survives a lot
longer on salt water.

No kidding? Honest.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Thanks for the tip.

Here you are,
captain. Take these.

What are they?

Uh, tranquilizers.

If your cabin's not
painted right this time,

I want you to be prepared.

Nonsense. What could go wrong?

I gave them specific,
accurate instructions

that any moron...
Any two morons.

Could follow:

just paint everything blue.

( rueful theme playing )

Oh. How do you like it, captain?

I told you it'd leave
him speechless, Ronald.

I told you.

Yes, you did,
Vincent. Speechless!

You said it would
leave him speechless.

I'll get some water for
your tranquilizers, captain.

Well.

Maybe I'll get used to it.

Or maybe I'll hang two
painters from the yardarm.

If any of your friends
have boats, sir,

please tell them about us.

Here's your hat, sir.

Get off my ship!

( door shuts )

( sighs )

( Stubing sighs )

( elevator bell dings )

Officer. GOPHER: Yes, sir.

Officer, I would like
to make arrangements

for a series of ship-
to-shore calls. Yes, sir.

Furthermore, I'd like
to make it arranged

to have them put on my bill.

Of course, sir. As you know,

we're here to make you happy.

Oh, thank you, officer.

In that case, put
them on your bill.

( horn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Ronald?

Vincent?

I know you're hiding in here.

I can smell paint.

VINCENT: Hello, Julie.

Ah, what's new?

The captain's in his quarters,

so please get off the ship now,

before he sees you,
or I'll be off with you.

Oh, we're very sorry for all
the mishaps, Miss McCoy,

and thank you for everything.

Yes. Thank you, Julie.

There's blue paint
all over my hand.

Oh, no, there isn't.

No, that's midnight
Mediterranean magenta.

Well, Ronald, what do we do now?

Uh, what would do you say
to a skiing vacation in Vail?

We could be ski instructors.

We can't ski.

Well, we can't paint either,

but we did con them out
of a free cruise, didn't we?

Come on, painter,
we'll go skiing.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, hello, Julie. Heh.

Well, so long. It's
been a grand cruise.

Thanks for everything.

Well, I want you both to
know it's been a real pleasure

having two generations
of Bootherstones onboard.

I hope you'll both be
back with us again.

Thanks.

Bye.

( serious theme playing )

( seagull squawking )

I gotta go. Oh, look,
there's a seagull.

Hey, I feel lousy
enough as it is,

please let me go.

You know, you hardly
ever see a seagull

in McKeesport, Pennsylvania.

( sobbing ): What's going on?

I mean, it's tough
enough to stand here

without blubbering
like some 16-year-old,

without you stalling.

Who's stalling?

Hi, Nancy.

Miss Westcott.

Bootherstone, Franklyn B.

Oh, it's nice to finally meet
you after talking so many times.

You two have been talking?

I've been trying to find
out from your social worker,

since you don't like that
family you're staying with,

if you'd like to try me out.

You mean, you want
to be my foster parent?

Oh, wow.

Of course, we'd have
to put Mr. Bootherstone

through a rigorous screening,
but there's a possibility.

Oh, wow.

"Oh, wow."

You see, she needs me, if
only to enlarge her vocabulary.

( laughs )

It may take time to
make the change.

That's okay with me.
He's worth waiting for.

And so is she.

Hey, this is far out.

I mean, I'll take care of you.

I can cook for you
too. Yeah. Heh-heh.

But if you serve me a zucchini
peppered with bean sprouts,

the deal is off. Oh,
no, I won't do that.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, so long, Julie.

It's been quite a trip.

Been nice seeing you
after all these years.

Wouldn't it be great
if one of these days

I could marry you?

What?

In my church.

Oh.

You bring the groom.

Ah, there you are.

Adios, doll, it was
an interesting voyage.

Goodbye, Mickey.

So long, roomy.

Thanks for everything.

And I mean everything, Father.

How is he?

Well, the doctor says he
has a case of gastrointestinitis

and allegro modenus.

Ooh.

Oh, that's Latin for
acute indigestion

and an overabundance
of boogying.

( laughing )

Well, so long, Julie.

Bye-bye.

( upbeat theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )