The Love Boat (1977–1987): Season 1, Episode 11 - Lonely at the Top/Silent Night/Divorce Me, Please - full transcript
( Jack Jones' "The
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
Ah. Somehow 86 degrees,
bright sunshine and a smog alert
don't say Christmas to me.
What's missing is snow.
Of course it's missing.
It's 86 degrees.
Oh, I sure wish I was up
in Oregon with my folks.
You know, this is
the first Christmas
I've ever spent
without my family.
How do you think I feel?
I never spend Christmas
with your family.
( both laugh )
But I know what you mean, Julie.
I mean, Christmastime
should be family time.
I would've been in Las Vegas.
Nothing more traditional
than Christmas at a
crap table. ( chuckles )
But it is traditional.
Every year my
ex-wives get together
and treat me to a
big turkey dinner.
Sort of their way
of saying thanks.
We always spend Christmas
at my Uncle Delmer's farm. Mm.
We arrive at 9:00 on
Christmas morning,
and by 10 we're sitting down
to a big pancake
breakfast and syrup.
At 11:00 we open the
Christmas presents,
and then at 1:30 we
all go out for a walk.
By 2:30 everybody's
ready for a nap.
Sounds like fun. Mm-hm.
Good morning.
Morning, captain.
Good morning, sir.
Well, we nap for
about an hour or so,
and then at 3:30,
Bob... That's my brother
he takes the kids
to visit the neighbors.
Then, at 6:15, my
Aunt Lillian brings out
a big Christmas goose,
and we eat ourselves
right into oblivion.
Then at 8,
we drag ourselves
away from the table and...
Go to bed?
No, then we go
caroling door to door.
Then you go to bed?
No, then we burn
the traditional...
You see, sir, we're all feeling
a little homesick about
having to spend
Christmas aboard.
Really?
I've never done anything else.
Oh, but, sir,
wouldn't you rather
spend Christmas with
your family than at sea?
Miss McCoy... as
you know, I'm divorced.
My family consists of my father
and his new wife,
and they live in Florida.
So as far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is just
another working day.
And speaking of
work... Ah. Ah, yes, sir.
Right. I gotta see
some people right now.
Sir? Hm?
Um...
I know that we don't
normally exchange presents,
but I was thinking that
seeing as how... ( sighs )
we're gonna be at sea
on Christmas day, we...
Mr. Smith, a rule is a rule.
No presents.
Aye, aye, sir.
Scrooge lives.
( horn blaring )
( upbeat theme playing )
STUBING ( over PA ): Good
morning, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to our annual
three-day Christmas
voyage to Ensenada.
Bon voyage and merry Christmas.
( people chattering )
JULIE: Hello. Welcome aboard.
Hey. Julie. Look at those two.
Five bucks says
they're not married.
Oh, no way. They're newlyweds.
Oh, please. Lovers. Bet?
Bet.
Oh, darling, this is wonderful.
I'm so glad you brought
me on this cruise.
I'm glad I brought you too.
MAN ( thinking ): If I didn't bring
you, I'd have to kiss you goodbye.
It'll be fun.
Just the two of us at sea.
Oh-ho-ho. Yes, it will. Ha, ha.
WOMAN ( thinking ): I'd rather
be in a swamp with Idi Amin.
Newlyweds.
Lovers.
Five big ones.
Hi. We're Mr. and Mrs. Baynes.
Well, how do you do? Hi.
Check's in the mail.
Huh. Welcome aboard.
This is Assistant Purser Smith
and I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.
How do you do? Welcome aboard.
JULIE: I'm sure
you'll enjoy our cruise.
( thinking ): A
Christmas cruise with her.
♪ 'Tis the season
To be seasick ♪
( thinking ): And
after Christmas, what?
New Year's Eve. Oh, my God!
I'm gonna have
to kiss him again.
And we hope you both
have a wonderful time.
Huh? What? I'm... I'm sorry.
I... I guess I was daydreaming.
Uh, you were saying?
Uh, yes, sir. I was saying
that you're in Cabin
344, Promenade Deck.
( laughs )
You'll have to forgive Paul.
He's just so thrilled,
he's a little out of it.
( chuckles )
( thinking ):
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Out of it?
That's what I want. Out of it!
And don't forget, our
gift shop will be open
if you need to buy any
last-minute presents.
Thanks.
( thinking ): Ooh, I hope he gives
me what I want this Christmas:
A divorce.
And I promise I
won't exchange it.
Goodbye. Bye-bye.
Well, now, that's what I
call a happily married couple.
I can spot 'em like that.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Honey? Mm?
Relax. ( chuckles )
I can't help it.
I think everyone's
staring at me.
Feel like I'm wearing
a sign that says ex-con.
You've gotta get
that out of your head.
You're not a criminal.
You never were.
You were innocent.
( sighs ): Yes.
I know that, you know that.
Too bad the jury
didn't know that. Honey.
I can't erase the
last three years.
You got a raw deal. But
that's behind you now.
Let's make a brand new
start on our future, huh?
Okay. Okay.
Oh, purser.
GOPHER: Yes, ma'am.
We're Mr. and Mrs. Barton.
Ah, welcome aboard.
Now, let's see. Barton.
Uh, Aloha Deck, Cabin 353.
Right through there. Thank you.
Gee, Mr. Barton,
you look like you could
use a little sunshine.
Probably working too hard, hm?
( sighs ) ( sighs )
Come on, baby.
Now, okay, guys. Now,
settle down. Settle down, huh?
Hi, Julie. Oh, hi.
Welcome aboard, Father
Mike. It's good to see you again.
Tony, get off that rail.
I ain't on the rail.
No. But you were
thinking about it.
Uh, Julie...
I'd like you to meet
Mario, Artie, Ben,
Mitch, Peanut... Hi.
MIKE: and Tony.
Hello.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
First one of 'em that,
uh, gives you any lip,
throw 'em over
the side. ( laughs )
Well, you guys have fun.
Okay, guys. L-let's
get going, huh?
Now, n-no running,
no pushing, no shoving.
And no fighting.
Can we breathe?
Let me think about it.
( Julie laughs )
Was that Father Mike?
Yes, sir. He brought six
kids with him this year.
Oh, well, I hope they
behave themselves.
Well, sir, they're kids.
They're supposed to have fun.
That's the whole idea
of bringing these
orphans on a holiday.
Mm-hm. Just keep
them off the bridge.
Yes, sir.
Oh, did you know that some guy
pays for a bunch of
these kids every year,
and nobody knows who it is?
Swell.
Well, sir, did you
ever ask Father Mike
who puts up the money?
Obviously, somebody with
more dollars than sense.
( chuckles )
Well, Merry Christmas
to you too, sir.
Mm.
( horn blaring )
( cheering,
chattering excitedly )
( upbeat theme playing )
Yeah!
( horn blaring )
Honey?
DAN: Mm?
Would you like to have
dinner in the cabin tonight?
It's a lot... cozier
than the dining room.
It's okay.
I'm ready to be with people.
( sighs )
Right now I'm the only
people I want you to be with.
I never deserved you, Lila.
Tsk.
Now even less than before.
( sighs )
( chuckles ): Honey...
everything's gonna be all right.
When we get back home, you
can make a brand new start.
Sure.
What'll I do?
I'm a lawyer, Lila.
A lawyer who can't practice law.
You'll find something.
Yeah, maybe I'll just...
answer every ad I see
for a convicted embezzler.
( mellow theme playing )
Hi, Merrill.
Hello. Hi, Father Mike.
How're the kids?
Oh, they're getting
ready for dinner.
I only had to break up
one water fight and
one soap fight. Hm.
Well, at least they'll
come to dinner clean.
You're good with kids.
They're just short people.
Maybe that's why
you're a priest and...
I'm a captain.
Tsk. I understand the sea.
People... ( scoffs )
Something on your mind?
Me? No.
( inhales )
It's nothing.
Nothing can, uh,
weigh a ton, can't it?
Well, it's just so silly.
I mean, here I am, on a
ship full of people and...
And you're lonely.
Yeah.
And it's Christmas and...
that's blowing it
all out of proportion.
I told you it was silly.
You know, that's what
steams me about Christmas.
It's supposed to
bring people closer.
So often it... isolates them.
Look, Merrill, you must have...
friends on the crew.
At best... they tolerate me.
Oh.
You're not only lonely,
you're, uh... feeling
sorry for yourself too.
Hey. You don't
pussyfoot around, do you?
Part of my charm.
Mike...
I wanna be friendly with
my crew, but I'm the captain.
I mean, I... I can't be
their friend and lead them too.
Really?
Well, I don't know, I've...
I heard of this leader once
who was a friend to everyone.
Well, he had this
technique he used that...
really helped him to
get close to his crew.
As I remember, it was
something like, uh...
love thy neighbor as thyself.
( slow, dramatic theme playing )
Worked so well for him,
they, uh, celebrate
his birthday every year.
Right about now.
Yeah.
But how do I make
that work for me?
Well, Merrill, your
crew does more than
just run this ship.
They have all
sorts of interests.
Find out about them.
Uh, get involved.
And do you know
what the result will be?
They'll celebrate my
birthday every year?
Right about now?
( chuckles )
Only if you were
born in December.
( chuckles )
( slow, upbeat theme playing )
( piano playing,
people chattering )
Are you sure you wouldn't
like a little wine, dear?
Are you silly?
You know I can't stand
the taste of alcohol.
I'll just stick
with my iced tea.
( sighs )
Well... here's to us.
To us.
( thinking ): How can I ask
the poor woman for a divorce?
It would break her heart.
She's so much in love with me.
( thinking ): Look how
he's looking at me.
Like a lovesick puppy.
How can I tell a guy
like that to kiss off?
( thinking ): If I could
only get her to hate me.
Naw. That's impossible.
I'm too perfect.
( thinking ): It's my own fault.
I've made life too
pleasant for him.
What are you looking for?
( sighs ): Oh, n...
Nothing. Nothing.
Honey, you know
someone you ought to call
when we get back home?
Walter Perry.
( sighs )
Look, darling, let's... Let's
just forget about all that.
Why, he was more than
just your law partner,
he was your friend.
He never asked for a cent
when he defended you.
Oh, I know that.
And he was very good to
me while you were away.
He used to call all the time
and see if I needed
any money or anything.
Believe me...
Walter Perry is a
good friend of yours.
( sighs ) ( glass clinks )
I've gotta get some air.
I'll go with you.
No, uh, I...
I have some things
to think about.
I understand.
Yeah. I'll, uh...
I'll be back in five minutes.
Take ten.
Hey, man. ( sighs )
( claps hands )
What's happening?
Excuse me, sir,
I was just on my
way up to the lounge.
Oh, well... Well...
I-I... I can dig that.
Uh, you have to split.
That's cool, that's cool.
Uh, well, I'll, uh, lay
some words on you later.
Gimme five.
Sir, is your malaria
acting up again?
Listen, I'll go to your quarters
and get your pills for you.
( sighs )
Being a pal isn't gonna be easy.
( mellow theme playing )
Excuse me.
I wonder if it's possible for
me to cash a traveler's check?
Oh, yes, sir.
I see you didn't leave
home without them.
( chuckles )
Uh... Walter Perry.
Okay.
Uh, $50 bill okay?
WALTER: It's fine.
There you go. Thank you.
( dramatic theme playing )
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Don't shake your
Christmas present.
I don't want you to
spoil the surprise.
Ha-ha.
( thinking ): Surprise?
I'll bet it's gonna be another
one of those blue ties.
What can it be
this year, darling?
( laughs ): Oh,
no, I'm not telling.
( thinking ): I was gonna get
you a monogrammed shirt,
but I forgot your name.
Don't peek at your present
while I'm in there, okay?
Oh, no. Ha-ha.
( thinking ): Another bottle
of that cheap perfume:
Oriental Wind.
The only perfume that
comes with a bowl of rice.
Well... here it comes.
( Paul gargling loudly )
And now.
( loudly blowing nose )
A little louder,
they'd abandon ship.
( blowing nose loudly )
It's all yours, darling.
Ha-ha. Thanks, sweetheart.
Ha-ha.
( door closes )
( thinking ): But please,
just this once, don't sing.
AUDREY: ♪ Mi, mi,
mi, Mi, mi, mi, mi ♪
♪ Mi-i-i-i-i-i-i ♪
If we weren't at sea, a
moose would answer.
Don't look.
You know what
she's gonna look like.
( door opens )
( yawns )
I told you not to look.
I can't take any more of this.
But she's got to be the
one to ask for the divorce.
Why should I be the heavy?
( thinking ): Oh. I've got
to do something so terrible,
he'll beg me for a divorce.
But what?
I mean, he even
likes my singing.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, darling.
( mellow theme playing )
( "It Came Upon a Midnight
Clear" instrumental playing over PA)
( clears throat )
Oh, captain!
Well, you see, I just
had a few minutes
and I thought I'd do a
little needlepoint, but,
well, I can see my two
minutes are up, and I'd better go.
Ah. It's very pretty.
Well... thank you.
Mm-hm.
You know, a lot of men
do needlepoint. Mm-hm.
Even football players. Mm-hm.
Do you think that
maybe you could, uh,
teach me how to do it?
Uh... sure, sir.
Uh, some other time.
Well, what about now?
Okay.
Um...
( clears throat ) Well, you see,
you take the needle
and you put it in
this hole... Mm-hm.
And then bring it
down... through here...
and down like that.
I see.
And that's a stitch.
Uh, thank you.
Um...
Like this?
Perfect.
( laughs )
Well, look, why don't
I, uh, get a kit and, uh,
maybe you and I can
work on it together.
Uh... here. Take mine.
You know, to tell you the
truth, needlepoint bores me stiff.
Gotta go.
( sighs ) Merrill.
You're supposed to get
involved with your crew.
Not stand around
doing needlepoint.
( mellow theme playing )
( "The First Noel"
instrumental playing over PA )
( grunts )
Oh, uh... I already
have a drink.
Well, you can't have too many.
That looks delicious. Mm-hm.
Can you make some more of those?
As many as you like.
As long as you promise not
to drive back to your cabin.
We'll take a cab.
( chuckles )
Thanks.
Here you go, sir.
Guaranteed to bring on a smile.
Thanks. Keep the change.
Hm. See? I told you
it was guaranteed.
Sure you won't have one?
( register rings )
Hello, Walt.
Dan, I, uh...
I, uh... At a loss for
words, counselor?
I never thought I'd see the day.
Huh. Well, no.
It's just that I, uh...
Oh, I thought that
you were still in, uh...
In prison.
No, you see, I was
paroled last week.
You know, uh,
good behavior,
that sort a thing.
Walt?
Lila! For heaven's sake.
( laughs )
We were just talking
about you last night.
Really? ( laughs )
( laughs dryly )
Well, I just can't
get over this.
It, it... It's great.
It's just great.
Yes, it's great.
( sighs )
Well, we're gonna have
a lot to talk about, huh?
Gee. Unfortunately, I...
I made an appointment
with the barber.
And you know how they
are if you keep 'em waiting.
( makes chopping
sound ) No sideburns.
( laughs )
But, uh, look, promise me that
we'll get together later, okay?
Promise? Hm?
( crumples up
paper ) Gee, this is...
really a surprise.
Fantastic!
( exhales )
He acted a little
strange, didn't he?
Well, Perry's a strange guy.
It's not everybody that would
let his supposed best friend
go to jail for a
crime he committed.
Walt?
Yes, Walt. Oh, no.
Lila, I had three
years to think about it.
I went over every
detail of that trial,
night after night.
I memorized the transcript.
It always ended
up to just one name:
good old Walt Perry.
( "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"
instrumental playing over PA )
Dan, you can't be sure.
I wasn't... until now.
I had to see him face to face.
I had to see it in his eyes.
Now I know.
And he knows I know.
How much is this one?
Forty-eight dollars.
Oh, way too expensive.
Thanks anyway. Mm-hm.
Now, you're the kind of
woman I should've married.
I beg your pardon?
Well, my last wife
never asked the
price of anything.
Is that why you divorced her?
It was either the divorce
courts or the bankruptcy courts.
Oh. So she spent
you into divorce.
Let me put it this way.
If she didn't show up
at Tiffany's once a week,
they'd send her a get-well card.
Oh. Well, thanks for the tip.
I mean, the warning.
Miss, do you sell jewelry?
What kind?
Expensive.
I just can't get over it,
Claire. You look fantastic.
Well, I should.
I just lost 160 pounds.
I divorced George.
WOMAN: You divorced George?
Why?
CLAIRE: Tsk. The things he did.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Oh, you can tell me.
No, I can't.
( thinking ): For
Pete's sake, tell her.
All right, I'll tell you.
Thanks.
Every time we went out,
he would embarrass me.
He'd have a couple of drinks
and he thought he
was the life of the party.
It was like being married
to The Gong Show.
Did George drink too much?
CLAIRE: Judge for yourself.
At my uncle's funeral,
he wore a black lampshade.
( elevator dings )
Honey, don't ever
marry a man who drinks.
( playful theme playing )
Say, pal, could you tell me
the way to the nearest bar?
Thanks.
Oh, no, Doc, up a little higher.
Oh, higher? Little higher, yeah.
Okay? Now... No, to the right.
Right? The right, doc.
How's that? Okay?
Uh, no. No, more to the right.
Down two needles. To the left.
No.
No, no, more to the left, Doc.
I don't know.
Something's off-center.
You're off-center.
I know what it is.
We forgot to hang
an angel on the tree.
How about a purser?
Man does not appreciate art.
Uh... Father, you
know a lot of jokes.
Well, I... I don't think Vegas
is ready for me, Merrill.
No, no, no, no. We...
You know that my crew is always
telling jokes, and I thought
that, uh, if there was a joke
that I could come up with, uh...
Oh, I... I get it.
Well, let's see. Um...
Oh, well, the bishop told
me a couple a great ones.
Uh, but I don't think
your crew speaks Latin.
How about this?
This Martian comes
down from space,
and he lands right in
the middle of the desert,
next to this beat-up old saloon.
Heh.
Well, he goes in, and
the first thing he sees
is the pinball machine.
Well, the lights are flashing
and the bells are
ringing like crazy.
So the Martian goes
over to it, and he says,
"Hey, sweetheart,
what's a pretty girl like you
doing in a place like this?"
( laughs )
( laughs uncomfortably )
Funny.
Yeah, well, it was
even funnier in Latin.
All right.
I'll try it.
Okay, guys.
Time to get down to some
serious business here.
Who's gonna be
Santa Claus tonight?
Oh, well, I don't think
there's anything to decide.
It is my turn.
You?
A woman can't be Santa Claus.
Well, why not?
I thought this was
supposed to be
an equal-opportunity holiday.
Okay. Lay a "ho-ho-ho" on us.
Okay. ( clears throat )
( high-pitched ): Ho-ho-ho!
Heh-heh.
No. The world's not ready
for a soprano Santa Claus.
Well, it's, uh,
coming along very well, guys.
( chuckles )
Which reminds me
of this great joke.
Uh... it's Christmastime
one year, and, uh, this Martian
lands in the desert, and
he goes up to this old bar.
It's, uh... It's really,
uh, beat-up, you know?
And, uh, the first thing he sees
is a pinball machine,
and he goes over and...
Well, the lights were flashing,
the bells were going
and everything. And...
Well, he says to it... He
says, uh... Now get this.
( chuckling ): He says, "Hi, sweetheart,
what's a pinball machine doing
in a nice place like this?"
( claps hands, chuckles )
( "O Christmas Tree"
instrumental playing over PA )
( clears throat awkwardly )
Well... it was even
funnier in Latin. Ha.
Okay, let's get back to reality.
Who's gonna play Santa Claus?
GOPHER: Me.
I'm the perfect Santa.
I own the Santa suit,
so, uh... I'm Santa.
( giggles )
Good luck, sir.
Well, uh... ( clears throat )
how am I doing?
Merrill...
uh, there are
ways of joining in...
( sighs ) and
ways of joining in.
( playful theme playing )
That bad, huh?
Worse.
( sighs )
( mellow theme playing )
( clears throat )
( "White Christmas"
instrumental playing over PA )
( people chattering )
No. Don't take it all.
Yes. Okay, well,
merry Christmas, group.
Merry Christmas.
All right.
Mm.
Hoo-hoo, Isaac, what's in this?
Uh, fruit juice and rum.
It's made from an
old secret recipe.
What's the secret?
Leave out the fruit juice.
( all chuckle )
( deep voice ):
I'll have a refill.
Oh, uh... sure, Gopher.
Fruit juice.
Back to the drawing board.
Dan?
Hm?
Honey, it's Christmas Eve.
Just for tonight, let's
forget about Walter Perry,
and, heh, the world
and everything.
Let's make this the
best Christmas Eve ever.
All right?
( romantic theme playing )
( sighs )
Sure beats electric trains.
Hey.
Do you want to
exchange gifts now?
If we do, we'll never
make that party.
( chuckles ): Oh. Hm. Come on.
Okay. Let's go.
Oh. I can get you a
handkerchief for your face.
Oh, wait, I'll get it.
Oh, it's all right.
( tense theme playing )
Dan...
Oh, my God. No.
Dan.
You knew Walter Perry was
gonna be on board, didn't you?
You came here for revenge.
Tsk. Now look, Lila... ( sighs )
this is my business.
Your business?
What about me?
You weren't the only
one in jail for three years.
I was in a prison of my own.
What do you think my
life was like without you?
Dan...
if you love me, don't do this.
You know I love you.
If you kill him, you kill us.
Please, Dan.
( dramatic theme playing )
( puts gun down )
( light jazz playing )
Isaac... remove
this dead soldier
and open me a new recruit.
Sure.
Uh, Mr. Baynes,
I thought you said
you were a teetotaler.
Me?
I must have been
drunk when I said it.
Isaac... what color lampshade
goes with this
outfit I'm wearing?
I don't know. What
color are your socks?
Audrey, is... Is that you?
Never mind me.
Since when did
you start drinking?
I can't remember.
I'm drinking to forget.
How much have you had?
Plenty!
Say, what's all this gonna cost?
Plenty.
Boy, I hope I'm seeing double.
You're going to be seeing
triple when we get to the room,
because I have a whole
lot of new stuff down there.
Do you expect
me to pay for this?
You got it, ace.
Uh... dear... ( closes purse )
isn't there something
you forgot to ask me for?
It starts with a D.
Yeah, you wanna dance?
( claps hands )
Something you wanna ask me?
Yes.
Get off my foot.
More punch?
Yeah. But this time, uh,
tell him to put a
little fruit juice in it.
Okay.
You're complaining to me
about a bad bridge partner?
Mm-hm.
( laughs ) You're lucky.
You know, I once
had a law partner.
He stole every
penny the firm had.
Of course, he went to prison.
Oh. Well, at least
he had to pay for it.
Heh. Yeah. He paid.
Hm.
So where's Santa?
He's supposed to be here by now.
Well, maybe his reindeer
are having a little trouble
with their radar equipment.
And that Blitzen is
a lousy navigator.
STUBING: Ho-ho-ho!
No-no-no.
Ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Santa.
Ho-ho-ho! ( cattering )
BRICKER: I've never
seen the captain look better.
Ho-ho-ho! Who
writes his dialogue?
Well, now, let's see
what Santa has
in his bag tonight.
Uh. Let's see. Well, yes.
There's something for Mario.
( laughs ) Thanks.
Uh... something
for... Artie. Yes.
Uh... Let's see.
And... And Ben.
( chuckles )
Let's see what we have here.
Oh, yes. For Mitch.
Yeah.
And... for Peanut.
What's your real name, Peanut?
Shorty.
Right! I'll bet it's
a baseball mitt.
( chuckles )
Well... What about me?
Oh. Uh.
Eh, uh, you're, uh...?
Tony.
Tony. That's right.
Yes. Well, now... let's
see... Tony, what...
Oh. Uh...
Let's, uh... Oh, uh...
Oh, Tony, it, uh...
seems that Santa is, uh...
short one present.
Uh... Uh...
It's back at the North Pole.
That's where your present is.
Now, look, I'll
run back, I'll get it,
and, uh, I'll have
it in your cabin
first thing in the morning.
Tony...
( slow, dramatic theme playing )
Oh, no. Poor Captain Stubing.
( mellow theme playing )
San Quentin never had
a view like that, Walt.
Dan, my boy.
Well, I've been
looking all over for you.
Really? Out in the ocean?
Ha. Hey, you always
were a great kidder.
Heh-heh.
I'm not kidding now, Walt.
Hey, wait a minute.
( tense theme playing )
Hey, don't do anything foolish.
I've already done
something foolish.
I served three years in prison
for something you did, buddy.
PERRY: I don't want...
Dan, you've got...
You've gotta believe me.
I-I didn't want it to happen.
It wasn't my fault.
( stammers )
I-I took the money, I admit it.
I was in trouble in the
market. It was serious trouble.
And I really needed
that money desperately.
So you set me up.
No, I swear, I didn't.
Oh, look, Dan, I-I never
thought that you'd be convicted.
I-I always thought I
could win you an acquittal,
and that way no
one would be hurt.
Somebody was hurt,
Walt. ( whimpering )
Dan... please...
Please...
( people, in distance
): ♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon Virgin Mother ♪
♪ And child ♪
♪ Holy Infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪
Merry Christmas.
Dan.
( sighs )
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
( chuckles ) Good
night, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
( crowd chattering )
PEANUT: Good night, Isaac.
Bye.
Merry Christmas.
Father, did you find Tony yet?
Not yet.
Oh. Well, we'll help
you look for him.
Okay? Yeah. Thanks.
( mellow theme playing )
Tony?
Where are you?
( click )
Tony?
Go away. You blew it.
Yes. Yes, I did.
I apologize.
Come here.
This is for you.
Honest?
Mm-hm. Gee, thanks.
It's the football I
asked for, isn't it?
Uh, no.
No, I'm sorry. It's not. Uh...
It's a sextant.
It's, uh, an
instrument they used
to navigate the ship.
Oh.
It belonged to the captain...
and his father before him.
See?
You put that in there.
By holding it up to the stars...
they could always...
tell where they were going.
The captain used it in
the Second World War.
I know it's kind of beat-up,
but... this sextant
means a lot to him.
He wants you to have it.
I'm sorry it's not
what you asked for.
( sighs )
Sometimes we don't get
what we want for Christmas.
I know.
I used to ask for parents,
but I never got 'em.
Well, that's a...
big order for Santa to fill.
It don't matter. I
don't need a family.
I got a real big one with
Father Mike and the guys.
Yeah.
It's neat.
Wait till I show the guys.
Thanks, captain.
I mean, Santa.
We're home.
You can take off
your lampshade now.
Is that all you bought?
Why didn't you fill
the whole room?
I couldn't. Your
credit card broke.
Ha.
That means I'll have to pay
cash now for my lampshades.
( mocking laugh )
This is just the start.
Because I'm gonna buy all
new furniture for the living room.
Then I'll buy matching
whoopee cushions.
And a brand new Rolls Royce.
Okay, then every morning
I'll go down to the
office in a clown suit.
( laughs )
( laughs )
You know something?
No, what?
You're funny.
You know something?
You're very beautiful.
Aw. Put on your lampshade
and give me a kiss.
( mellow theme playing )
( sighs )
( sighs )
ALL: Merry Christmas, captain!
( all laughing )
What? What is this?
Well, frankly, captain,
we were feeling
kind of sorry for ourselves.
JULIE: Oh, you know, sir.
I mean, it's fun to spend
Christmas with the passengers,
but...
it's not the same as
spending it with your family.
BRICKER: And then
we got to thinking,
well, we don't just
have one family...
we've got two.
GOPHER: And...
well, you're not just
the captain to us, sir.
You're the head of the family.
Our family.
And why shouldn't our family
spend Christmas together?
( sweet theme playing )
You see, uh...
sometimes we try
too hard to, uh...
get what we've had all along.
( sneezes )
Oh, you...
Think that I'm
allergic to this beard.
I want to say
something to all of you.
I'm proud... to have
you on my crew.
I'm even prouder...
to count you among my friends.
Oh, this darn beard.
Sir. It's for you.
It's from all of us.
Well, I, uh... I-I
thought we had a rule
that we'd never exchange
Christmas presents.
Well, sir, we
thought just this once.
A rule is a rule, Mr. Smith.
But sometimes...
rules were made...
to be broken.
( all laugh )
Merry Christmas!
Why, thank you, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, sir.
( tender theme playing )
AUDREY: ♪ The first
"Noel" The angels did say ♪
♪ Was to certain poor
shepherds In fields as they lay ♪
♪ In fields as they Lay
keeping their sheep ♪
♪ On a cold winter's
night That was so deep ♪
Come on, everybody.
ALL: ♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪
( applause, chatter )
Very beautiful, Mrs. Baynes.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
I can taste that turkey already.
BRICKER: Didn't you tell him?
Oh, the captain
said there might be
some rain, and he wondered
if you'd mind going topside
and changing the regular flags
for the rubber flags.
( light music playing over PA )
Oh.
Rubber flags?
( all laughing ) Ah. Look here.
Good evening.
( "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
instrumental playing over PA )
There's the captain's
table over there.
Dan.
Get lost, Perry.
I've gotta talk to you.
Honey... It's all
right, sweetheart.
Now, look, you've done
everything you can do.
Now just stay away from me.
Keep out of my life.
Dan, listen.
You gave me a gift
last night: my life.
Now I wanna give you
something in return.
I, uh...
I contacted the
police in Los Angeles.
When we get back, I'm
gonna turn myself in...
make a full confession.
And, uh...
I also wrote to the
State Bar Commission.
You'll be practicing
law again very soon.
( sighs )
Walt, thank you.
Merry Christmas, Dan.
Merry Christmas.
( captain laughing ) Oh.
( people chattering )
Good evening.
Good evening. Merry
Christmas. Good evening.
Hi. Good evening.
Beautiful dress.
Thank you.
It's a beautiful table.
It's a beautiful life.
Father Lewicki, some of the guys
collected some stuff
you might like at the orphanage.
Uh, sports equipment,
uh, books, stuff like that.
All right! All right.
Wow.
Oh, we'd love it. Thanks.
Well, where do
we send it, Father?
Give it to the captain.
He can bring it when
he comes next time.
Captain Stubing?
Yes. He comes every month.
No. No, he... He-he
must have me confused
with some other captain.
You're crazy.
You took us to the
ball game last month.
Uh, captain, you wouldn't
have anything to do
with that mysterious man
who's been sending these kids
on a cruise every
year, would you?
You know, the one with
"more dollars than sense"?
Tsk. Bah, humbug!
Come on, let's eat
ourselves a turkey.
( laughs )
( "We Wish You a Merry
Christmas" playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey. Thank you
for a wonderful trip.
Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I'll say one thing
for you, Mr. Barton.
You sure seem a lot happier
than when you came aboard.
You bet I am.
You know what today is?
Yes, sir. Monday.
Nope.
Today is the first
day... ( chuckles )
of the rest of my life.
Aw. Goodbye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
AUDREY: Oh,
darling, I'm so happy.
Me too.
I've got a confession to make.
When I came on this cruise, I...
I was hoping you'd
ask me for a divorce.
Really?
Well, I has hoping
the same thing.
You're kidding?
This cruise really changed us.
Yes.
We're two completely
different people now.
( warbles loudly )
( blows nose loudly )
( both laugh )
Oh, I love you.
( sings ) ( laughing )
Thanks for everything,
captain. Mm-hm.
We had a good time.
Here. From us kids.
Thanks for, uh, the trip.
Champagne?
Now, how did you kids
get your hands on this
bottle of champagne?
Where there's a
will, there's a way.
( mouths ): Oh.
Let's go, you guys.
BRICKER: I guess that's Will
on the bottom and Wayne on top.
( upbeat theme playing )
Love Boat" playing )
♪ Love ♪
♪ Exciting and new ♪
♪ Come aboard ♪
♪ We're expecting you ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ Let it flow ♪
♪ It floats back to you ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Soon will be
making Another run ♪
♪ The Love Boat ♪
♪ Promises something
For everyone ♪
♪ Set a course for adventure ♪
♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ And love ♪
♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ It's an open smile ♪
♪ On a friendly shore ♪
♪ It's love ♪
♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪
( upbeat theme playing )
Ah. Somehow 86 degrees,
bright sunshine and a smog alert
don't say Christmas to me.
What's missing is snow.
Of course it's missing.
It's 86 degrees.
Oh, I sure wish I was up
in Oregon with my folks.
You know, this is
the first Christmas
I've ever spent
without my family.
How do you think I feel?
I never spend Christmas
with your family.
( both laugh )
But I know what you mean, Julie.
I mean, Christmastime
should be family time.
I would've been in Las Vegas.
Nothing more traditional
than Christmas at a
crap table. ( chuckles )
But it is traditional.
Every year my
ex-wives get together
and treat me to a
big turkey dinner.
Sort of their way
of saying thanks.
We always spend Christmas
at my Uncle Delmer's farm. Mm.
We arrive at 9:00 on
Christmas morning,
and by 10 we're sitting down
to a big pancake
breakfast and syrup.
At 11:00 we open the
Christmas presents,
and then at 1:30 we
all go out for a walk.
By 2:30 everybody's
ready for a nap.
Sounds like fun. Mm-hm.
Good morning.
Morning, captain.
Good morning, sir.
Well, we nap for
about an hour or so,
and then at 3:30,
Bob... That's my brother
he takes the kids
to visit the neighbors.
Then, at 6:15, my
Aunt Lillian brings out
a big Christmas goose,
and we eat ourselves
right into oblivion.
Then at 8,
we drag ourselves
away from the table and...
Go to bed?
No, then we go
caroling door to door.
Then you go to bed?
No, then we burn
the traditional...
You see, sir, we're all feeling
a little homesick about
having to spend
Christmas aboard.
Really?
I've never done anything else.
Oh, but, sir,
wouldn't you rather
spend Christmas with
your family than at sea?
Miss McCoy... as
you know, I'm divorced.
My family consists of my father
and his new wife,
and they live in Florida.
So as far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is just
another working day.
And speaking of
work... Ah. Ah, yes, sir.
Right. I gotta see
some people right now.
Sir? Hm?
Um...
I know that we don't
normally exchange presents,
but I was thinking that
seeing as how... ( sighs )
we're gonna be at sea
on Christmas day, we...
Mr. Smith, a rule is a rule.
No presents.
Aye, aye, sir.
Scrooge lives.
( horn blaring )
( upbeat theme playing )
STUBING ( over PA ): Good
morning, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to our annual
three-day Christmas
voyage to Ensenada.
Bon voyage and merry Christmas.
( people chattering )
JULIE: Hello. Welcome aboard.
Hey. Julie. Look at those two.
Five bucks says
they're not married.
Oh, no way. They're newlyweds.
Oh, please. Lovers. Bet?
Bet.
Oh, darling, this is wonderful.
I'm so glad you brought
me on this cruise.
I'm glad I brought you too.
MAN ( thinking ): If I didn't bring
you, I'd have to kiss you goodbye.
It'll be fun.
Just the two of us at sea.
Oh-ho-ho. Yes, it will. Ha, ha.
WOMAN ( thinking ): I'd rather
be in a swamp with Idi Amin.
Newlyweds.
Lovers.
Five big ones.
Hi. We're Mr. and Mrs. Baynes.
Well, how do you do? Hi.
Check's in the mail.
Huh. Welcome aboard.
This is Assistant Purser Smith
and I'm Julie McCoy,
your cruise director.
How do you do? Welcome aboard.
JULIE: I'm sure
you'll enjoy our cruise.
( thinking ): A
Christmas cruise with her.
♪ 'Tis the season
To be seasick ♪
( thinking ): And
after Christmas, what?
New Year's Eve. Oh, my God!
I'm gonna have
to kiss him again.
And we hope you both
have a wonderful time.
Huh? What? I'm... I'm sorry.
I... I guess I was daydreaming.
Uh, you were saying?
Uh, yes, sir. I was saying
that you're in Cabin
344, Promenade Deck.
( laughs )
You'll have to forgive Paul.
He's just so thrilled,
he's a little out of it.
( chuckles )
( thinking ):
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Out of it?
That's what I want. Out of it!
And don't forget, our
gift shop will be open
if you need to buy any
last-minute presents.
Thanks.
( thinking ): Ooh, I hope he gives
me what I want this Christmas:
A divorce.
And I promise I
won't exchange it.
Goodbye. Bye-bye.
Well, now, that's what I
call a happily married couple.
I can spot 'em like that.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Honey? Mm?
Relax. ( chuckles )
I can't help it.
I think everyone's
staring at me.
Feel like I'm wearing
a sign that says ex-con.
You've gotta get
that out of your head.
You're not a criminal.
You never were.
You were innocent.
( sighs ): Yes.
I know that, you know that.
Too bad the jury
didn't know that. Honey.
I can't erase the
last three years.
You got a raw deal. But
that's behind you now.
Let's make a brand new
start on our future, huh?
Okay. Okay.
Oh, purser.
GOPHER: Yes, ma'am.
We're Mr. and Mrs. Barton.
Ah, welcome aboard.
Now, let's see. Barton.
Uh, Aloha Deck, Cabin 353.
Right through there. Thank you.
Gee, Mr. Barton,
you look like you could
use a little sunshine.
Probably working too hard, hm?
( sighs ) ( sighs )
Come on, baby.
Now, okay, guys. Now,
settle down. Settle down, huh?
Hi, Julie. Oh, hi.
Welcome aboard, Father
Mike. It's good to see you again.
Tony, get off that rail.
I ain't on the rail.
No. But you were
thinking about it.
Uh, Julie...
I'd like you to meet
Mario, Artie, Ben,
Mitch, Peanut... Hi.
MIKE: and Tony.
Hello.
Hi. Hi. Hi.
First one of 'em that,
uh, gives you any lip,
throw 'em over
the side. ( laughs )
Well, you guys have fun.
Okay, guys. L-let's
get going, huh?
Now, n-no running,
no pushing, no shoving.
And no fighting.
Can we breathe?
Let me think about it.
( Julie laughs )
Was that Father Mike?
Yes, sir. He brought six
kids with him this year.
Oh, well, I hope they
behave themselves.
Well, sir, they're kids.
They're supposed to have fun.
That's the whole idea
of bringing these
orphans on a holiday.
Mm-hm. Just keep
them off the bridge.
Yes, sir.
Oh, did you know that some guy
pays for a bunch of
these kids every year,
and nobody knows who it is?
Swell.
Well, sir, did you
ever ask Father Mike
who puts up the money?
Obviously, somebody with
more dollars than sense.
( chuckles )
Well, Merry Christmas
to you too, sir.
Mm.
( horn blaring )
( cheering,
chattering excitedly )
( upbeat theme playing )
Yeah!
( horn blaring )
Honey?
DAN: Mm?
Would you like to have
dinner in the cabin tonight?
It's a lot... cozier
than the dining room.
It's okay.
I'm ready to be with people.
( sighs )
Right now I'm the only
people I want you to be with.
I never deserved you, Lila.
Tsk.
Now even less than before.
( sighs )
( chuckles ): Honey...
everything's gonna be all right.
When we get back home, you
can make a brand new start.
Sure.
What'll I do?
I'm a lawyer, Lila.
A lawyer who can't practice law.
You'll find something.
Yeah, maybe I'll just...
answer every ad I see
for a convicted embezzler.
( mellow theme playing )
Hi, Merrill.
Hello. Hi, Father Mike.
How're the kids?
Oh, they're getting
ready for dinner.
I only had to break up
one water fight and
one soap fight. Hm.
Well, at least they'll
come to dinner clean.
You're good with kids.
They're just short people.
Maybe that's why
you're a priest and...
I'm a captain.
Tsk. I understand the sea.
People... ( scoffs )
Something on your mind?
Me? No.
( inhales )
It's nothing.
Nothing can, uh,
weigh a ton, can't it?
Well, it's just so silly.
I mean, here I am, on a
ship full of people and...
And you're lonely.
Yeah.
And it's Christmas and...
that's blowing it
all out of proportion.
I told you it was silly.
You know, that's what
steams me about Christmas.
It's supposed to
bring people closer.
So often it... isolates them.
Look, Merrill, you must have...
friends on the crew.
At best... they tolerate me.
Oh.
You're not only lonely,
you're, uh... feeling
sorry for yourself too.
Hey. You don't
pussyfoot around, do you?
Part of my charm.
Mike...
I wanna be friendly with
my crew, but I'm the captain.
I mean, I... I can't be
their friend and lead them too.
Really?
Well, I don't know, I've...
I heard of this leader once
who was a friend to everyone.
Well, he had this
technique he used that...
really helped him to
get close to his crew.
As I remember, it was
something like, uh...
love thy neighbor as thyself.
( slow, dramatic theme playing )
Worked so well for him,
they, uh, celebrate
his birthday every year.
Right about now.
Yeah.
But how do I make
that work for me?
Well, Merrill, your
crew does more than
just run this ship.
They have all
sorts of interests.
Find out about them.
Uh, get involved.
And do you know
what the result will be?
They'll celebrate my
birthday every year?
Right about now?
( chuckles )
Only if you were
born in December.
( chuckles )
( slow, upbeat theme playing )
( piano playing,
people chattering )
Are you sure you wouldn't
like a little wine, dear?
Are you silly?
You know I can't stand
the taste of alcohol.
I'll just stick
with my iced tea.
( sighs )
Well... here's to us.
To us.
( thinking ): How can I ask
the poor woman for a divorce?
It would break her heart.
She's so much in love with me.
( thinking ): Look how
he's looking at me.
Like a lovesick puppy.
How can I tell a guy
like that to kiss off?
( thinking ): If I could
only get her to hate me.
Naw. That's impossible.
I'm too perfect.
( thinking ): It's my own fault.
I've made life too
pleasant for him.
What are you looking for?
( sighs ): Oh, n...
Nothing. Nothing.
Honey, you know
someone you ought to call
when we get back home?
Walter Perry.
( sighs )
Look, darling, let's... Let's
just forget about all that.
Why, he was more than
just your law partner,
he was your friend.
He never asked for a cent
when he defended you.
Oh, I know that.
And he was very good to
me while you were away.
He used to call all the time
and see if I needed
any money or anything.
Believe me...
Walter Perry is a
good friend of yours.
( sighs ) ( glass clinks )
I've gotta get some air.
I'll go with you.
No, uh, I...
I have some things
to think about.
I understand.
Yeah. I'll, uh...
I'll be back in five minutes.
Take ten.
Hey, man. ( sighs )
( claps hands )
What's happening?
Excuse me, sir,
I was just on my
way up to the lounge.
Oh, well... Well...
I-I... I can dig that.
Uh, you have to split.
That's cool, that's cool.
Uh, well, I'll, uh, lay
some words on you later.
Gimme five.
Sir, is your malaria
acting up again?
Listen, I'll go to your quarters
and get your pills for you.
( sighs )
Being a pal isn't gonna be easy.
( mellow theme playing )
Excuse me.
I wonder if it's possible for
me to cash a traveler's check?
Oh, yes, sir.
I see you didn't leave
home without them.
( chuckles )
Uh... Walter Perry.
Okay.
Uh, $50 bill okay?
WALTER: It's fine.
There you go. Thank you.
( dramatic theme playing )
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Don't shake your
Christmas present.
I don't want you to
spoil the surprise.
Ha-ha.
( thinking ): Surprise?
I'll bet it's gonna be another
one of those blue ties.
What can it be
this year, darling?
( laughs ): Oh,
no, I'm not telling.
( thinking ): I was gonna get
you a monogrammed shirt,
but I forgot your name.
Don't peek at your present
while I'm in there, okay?
Oh, no. Ha-ha.
( thinking ): Another bottle
of that cheap perfume:
Oriental Wind.
The only perfume that
comes with a bowl of rice.
Well... here it comes.
( Paul gargling loudly )
And now.
( loudly blowing nose )
A little louder,
they'd abandon ship.
( blowing nose loudly )
It's all yours, darling.
Ha-ha. Thanks, sweetheart.
Ha-ha.
( door closes )
( thinking ): But please,
just this once, don't sing.
AUDREY: ♪ Mi, mi,
mi, Mi, mi, mi, mi ♪
♪ Mi-i-i-i-i-i-i ♪
If we weren't at sea, a
moose would answer.
Don't look.
You know what
she's gonna look like.
( door opens )
( yawns )
I told you not to look.
I can't take any more of this.
But she's got to be the
one to ask for the divorce.
Why should I be the heavy?
( thinking ): Oh. I've got
to do something so terrible,
he'll beg me for a divorce.
But what?
I mean, he even
likes my singing.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, darling.
( mellow theme playing )
( "It Came Upon a Midnight
Clear" instrumental playing over PA)
( clears throat )
Oh, captain!
Well, you see, I just
had a few minutes
and I thought I'd do a
little needlepoint, but,
well, I can see my two
minutes are up, and I'd better go.
Ah. It's very pretty.
Well... thank you.
Mm-hm.
You know, a lot of men
do needlepoint. Mm-hm.
Even football players. Mm-hm.
Do you think that
maybe you could, uh,
teach me how to do it?
Uh... sure, sir.
Uh, some other time.
Well, what about now?
Okay.
Um...
( clears throat ) Well, you see,
you take the needle
and you put it in
this hole... Mm-hm.
And then bring it
down... through here...
and down like that.
I see.
And that's a stitch.
Uh, thank you.
Um...
Like this?
Perfect.
( laughs )
Well, look, why don't
I, uh, get a kit and, uh,
maybe you and I can
work on it together.
Uh... here. Take mine.
You know, to tell you the
truth, needlepoint bores me stiff.
Gotta go.
( sighs ) Merrill.
You're supposed to get
involved with your crew.
Not stand around
doing needlepoint.
( mellow theme playing )
( "The First Noel"
instrumental playing over PA )
( grunts )
Oh, uh... I already
have a drink.
Well, you can't have too many.
That looks delicious. Mm-hm.
Can you make some more of those?
As many as you like.
As long as you promise not
to drive back to your cabin.
We'll take a cab.
( chuckles )
Thanks.
Here you go, sir.
Guaranteed to bring on a smile.
Thanks. Keep the change.
Hm. See? I told you
it was guaranteed.
Sure you won't have one?
( register rings )
Hello, Walt.
Dan, I, uh...
I, uh... At a loss for
words, counselor?
I never thought I'd see the day.
Huh. Well, no.
It's just that I, uh...
Oh, I thought that
you were still in, uh...
In prison.
No, you see, I was
paroled last week.
You know, uh,
good behavior,
that sort a thing.
Walt?
Lila! For heaven's sake.
( laughs )
We were just talking
about you last night.
Really? ( laughs )
( laughs dryly )
Well, I just can't
get over this.
It, it... It's great.
It's just great.
Yes, it's great.
( sighs )
Well, we're gonna have
a lot to talk about, huh?
Gee. Unfortunately, I...
I made an appointment
with the barber.
And you know how they
are if you keep 'em waiting.
( makes chopping
sound ) No sideburns.
( laughs )
But, uh, look, promise me that
we'll get together later, okay?
Promise? Hm?
( crumples up
paper ) Gee, this is...
really a surprise.
Fantastic!
( exhales )
He acted a little
strange, didn't he?
Well, Perry's a strange guy.
It's not everybody that would
let his supposed best friend
go to jail for a
crime he committed.
Walt?
Yes, Walt. Oh, no.
Lila, I had three
years to think about it.
I went over every
detail of that trial,
night after night.
I memorized the transcript.
It always ended
up to just one name:
good old Walt Perry.
( "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"
instrumental playing over PA )
Dan, you can't be sure.
I wasn't... until now.
I had to see him face to face.
I had to see it in his eyes.
Now I know.
And he knows I know.
How much is this one?
Forty-eight dollars.
Oh, way too expensive.
Thanks anyway. Mm-hm.
Now, you're the kind of
woman I should've married.
I beg your pardon?
Well, my last wife
never asked the
price of anything.
Is that why you divorced her?
It was either the divorce
courts or the bankruptcy courts.
Oh. So she spent
you into divorce.
Let me put it this way.
If she didn't show up
at Tiffany's once a week,
they'd send her a get-well card.
Oh. Well, thanks for the tip.
I mean, the warning.
Miss, do you sell jewelry?
What kind?
Expensive.
I just can't get over it,
Claire. You look fantastic.
Well, I should.
I just lost 160 pounds.
I divorced George.
WOMAN: You divorced George?
Why?
CLAIRE: Tsk. The things he did.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Oh, you can tell me.
No, I can't.
( thinking ): For
Pete's sake, tell her.
All right, I'll tell you.
Thanks.
Every time we went out,
he would embarrass me.
He'd have a couple of drinks
and he thought he
was the life of the party.
It was like being married
to The Gong Show.
Did George drink too much?
CLAIRE: Judge for yourself.
At my uncle's funeral,
he wore a black lampshade.
( elevator dings )
Honey, don't ever
marry a man who drinks.
( playful theme playing )
Say, pal, could you tell me
the way to the nearest bar?
Thanks.
Oh, no, Doc, up a little higher.
Oh, higher? Little higher, yeah.
Okay? Now... No, to the right.
Right? The right, doc.
How's that? Okay?
Uh, no. No, more to the right.
Down two needles. To the left.
No.
No, no, more to the left, Doc.
I don't know.
Something's off-center.
You're off-center.
I know what it is.
We forgot to hang
an angel on the tree.
How about a purser?
Man does not appreciate art.
Uh... Father, you
know a lot of jokes.
Well, I... I don't think Vegas
is ready for me, Merrill.
No, no, no, no. We...
You know that my crew is always
telling jokes, and I thought
that, uh, if there was a joke
that I could come up with, uh...
Oh, I... I get it.
Well, let's see. Um...
Oh, well, the bishop told
me a couple a great ones.
Uh, but I don't think
your crew speaks Latin.
How about this?
This Martian comes
down from space,
and he lands right in
the middle of the desert,
next to this beat-up old saloon.
Heh.
Well, he goes in, and
the first thing he sees
is the pinball machine.
Well, the lights are flashing
and the bells are
ringing like crazy.
So the Martian goes
over to it, and he says,
"Hey, sweetheart,
what's a pretty girl like you
doing in a place like this?"
( laughs )
( laughs uncomfortably )
Funny.
Yeah, well, it was
even funnier in Latin.
All right.
I'll try it.
Okay, guys.
Time to get down to some
serious business here.
Who's gonna be
Santa Claus tonight?
Oh, well, I don't think
there's anything to decide.
It is my turn.
You?
A woman can't be Santa Claus.
Well, why not?
I thought this was
supposed to be
an equal-opportunity holiday.
Okay. Lay a "ho-ho-ho" on us.
Okay. ( clears throat )
( high-pitched ): Ho-ho-ho!
Heh-heh.
No. The world's not ready
for a soprano Santa Claus.
Well, it's, uh,
coming along very well, guys.
( chuckles )
Which reminds me
of this great joke.
Uh... it's Christmastime
one year, and, uh, this Martian
lands in the desert, and
he goes up to this old bar.
It's, uh... It's really,
uh, beat-up, you know?
And, uh, the first thing he sees
is a pinball machine,
and he goes over and...
Well, the lights were flashing,
the bells were going
and everything. And...
Well, he says to it... He
says, uh... Now get this.
( chuckling ): He says, "Hi, sweetheart,
what's a pinball machine doing
in a nice place like this?"
( claps hands, chuckles )
( "O Christmas Tree"
instrumental playing over PA )
( clears throat awkwardly )
Well... it was even
funnier in Latin. Ha.
Okay, let's get back to reality.
Who's gonna play Santa Claus?
GOPHER: Me.
I'm the perfect Santa.
I own the Santa suit,
so, uh... I'm Santa.
( giggles )
Good luck, sir.
Well, uh... ( clears throat )
how am I doing?
Merrill...
uh, there are
ways of joining in...
( sighs ) and
ways of joining in.
( playful theme playing )
That bad, huh?
Worse.
( sighs )
( mellow theme playing )
( clears throat )
( "White Christmas"
instrumental playing over PA )
( people chattering )
No. Don't take it all.
Yes. Okay, well,
merry Christmas, group.
Merry Christmas.
All right.
Mm.
Hoo-hoo, Isaac, what's in this?
Uh, fruit juice and rum.
It's made from an
old secret recipe.
What's the secret?
Leave out the fruit juice.
( all chuckle )
( deep voice ):
I'll have a refill.
Oh, uh... sure, Gopher.
Fruit juice.
Back to the drawing board.
Dan?
Hm?
Honey, it's Christmas Eve.
Just for tonight, let's
forget about Walter Perry,
and, heh, the world
and everything.
Let's make this the
best Christmas Eve ever.
All right?
( romantic theme playing )
( sighs )
Sure beats electric trains.
Hey.
Do you want to
exchange gifts now?
If we do, we'll never
make that party.
( chuckles ): Oh. Hm. Come on.
Okay. Let's go.
Oh. I can get you a
handkerchief for your face.
Oh, wait, I'll get it.
Oh, it's all right.
( tense theme playing )
Dan...
Oh, my God. No.
Dan.
You knew Walter Perry was
gonna be on board, didn't you?
You came here for revenge.
Tsk. Now look, Lila... ( sighs )
this is my business.
Your business?
What about me?
You weren't the only
one in jail for three years.
I was in a prison of my own.
What do you think my
life was like without you?
Dan...
if you love me, don't do this.
You know I love you.
If you kill him, you kill us.
Please, Dan.
( dramatic theme playing )
( puts gun down )
( light jazz playing )
Isaac... remove
this dead soldier
and open me a new recruit.
Sure.
Uh, Mr. Baynes,
I thought you said
you were a teetotaler.
Me?
I must have been
drunk when I said it.
Isaac... what color lampshade
goes with this
outfit I'm wearing?
I don't know. What
color are your socks?
Audrey, is... Is that you?
Never mind me.
Since when did
you start drinking?
I can't remember.
I'm drinking to forget.
How much have you had?
Plenty!
Say, what's all this gonna cost?
Plenty.
Boy, I hope I'm seeing double.
You're going to be seeing
triple when we get to the room,
because I have a whole
lot of new stuff down there.
Do you expect
me to pay for this?
You got it, ace.
Uh... dear... ( closes purse )
isn't there something
you forgot to ask me for?
It starts with a D.
Yeah, you wanna dance?
( claps hands )
Something you wanna ask me?
Yes.
Get off my foot.
More punch?
Yeah. But this time, uh,
tell him to put a
little fruit juice in it.
Okay.
You're complaining to me
about a bad bridge partner?
Mm-hm.
( laughs ) You're lucky.
You know, I once
had a law partner.
He stole every
penny the firm had.
Of course, he went to prison.
Oh. Well, at least
he had to pay for it.
Heh. Yeah. He paid.
Hm.
So where's Santa?
He's supposed to be here by now.
Well, maybe his reindeer
are having a little trouble
with their radar equipment.
And that Blitzen is
a lousy navigator.
STUBING: Ho-ho-ho!
No-no-no.
Ho-ho-ho!
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Santa.
Ho-ho-ho! ( cattering )
BRICKER: I've never
seen the captain look better.
Ho-ho-ho! Who
writes his dialogue?
Well, now, let's see
what Santa has
in his bag tonight.
Uh. Let's see. Well, yes.
There's something for Mario.
( laughs ) Thanks.
Uh... something
for... Artie. Yes.
Uh... Let's see.
And... And Ben.
( chuckles )
Let's see what we have here.
Oh, yes. For Mitch.
Yeah.
And... for Peanut.
What's your real name, Peanut?
Shorty.
Right! I'll bet it's
a baseball mitt.
( chuckles )
Well... What about me?
Oh. Uh.
Eh, uh, you're, uh...?
Tony.
Tony. That's right.
Yes. Well, now... let's
see... Tony, what...
Oh. Uh...
Let's, uh... Oh, uh...
Oh, Tony, it, uh...
seems that Santa is, uh...
short one present.
Uh... Uh...
It's back at the North Pole.
That's where your present is.
Now, look, I'll
run back, I'll get it,
and, uh, I'll have
it in your cabin
first thing in the morning.
Tony...
( slow, dramatic theme playing )
Oh, no. Poor Captain Stubing.
( mellow theme playing )
San Quentin never had
a view like that, Walt.
Dan, my boy.
Well, I've been
looking all over for you.
Really? Out in the ocean?
Ha. Hey, you always
were a great kidder.
Heh-heh.
I'm not kidding now, Walt.
Hey, wait a minute.
( tense theme playing )
Hey, don't do anything foolish.
I've already done
something foolish.
I served three years in prison
for something you did, buddy.
PERRY: I don't want...
Dan, you've got...
You've gotta believe me.
I-I didn't want it to happen.
It wasn't my fault.
( stammers )
I-I took the money, I admit it.
I was in trouble in the
market. It was serious trouble.
And I really needed
that money desperately.
So you set me up.
No, I swear, I didn't.
Oh, look, Dan, I-I never
thought that you'd be convicted.
I-I always thought I
could win you an acquittal,
and that way no
one would be hurt.
Somebody was hurt,
Walt. ( whimpering )
Dan... please...
Please...
( people, in distance
): ♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon Virgin Mother ♪
♪ And child ♪
♪ Holy Infant ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly... ♪
Merry Christmas.
Dan.
( sighs )
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
( chuckles ) Good
night, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
( crowd chattering )
PEANUT: Good night, Isaac.
Bye.
Merry Christmas.
Father, did you find Tony yet?
Not yet.
Oh. Well, we'll help
you look for him.
Okay? Yeah. Thanks.
( mellow theme playing )
Tony?
Where are you?
( click )
Tony?
Go away. You blew it.
Yes. Yes, I did.
I apologize.
Come here.
This is for you.
Honest?
Mm-hm. Gee, thanks.
It's the football I
asked for, isn't it?
Uh, no.
No, I'm sorry. It's not. Uh...
It's a sextant.
It's, uh, an
instrument they used
to navigate the ship.
Oh.
It belonged to the captain...
and his father before him.
See?
You put that in there.
By holding it up to the stars...
they could always...
tell where they were going.
The captain used it in
the Second World War.
I know it's kind of beat-up,
but... this sextant
means a lot to him.
He wants you to have it.
I'm sorry it's not
what you asked for.
( sighs )
Sometimes we don't get
what we want for Christmas.
I know.
I used to ask for parents,
but I never got 'em.
Well, that's a...
big order for Santa to fill.
It don't matter. I
don't need a family.
I got a real big one with
Father Mike and the guys.
Yeah.
It's neat.
Wait till I show the guys.
Thanks, captain.
I mean, Santa.
We're home.
You can take off
your lampshade now.
Is that all you bought?
Why didn't you fill
the whole room?
I couldn't. Your
credit card broke.
Ha.
That means I'll have to pay
cash now for my lampshades.
( mocking laugh )
This is just the start.
Because I'm gonna buy all
new furniture for the living room.
Then I'll buy matching
whoopee cushions.
And a brand new Rolls Royce.
Okay, then every morning
I'll go down to the
office in a clown suit.
( laughs )
( laughs )
You know something?
No, what?
You're funny.
You know something?
You're very beautiful.
Aw. Put on your lampshade
and give me a kiss.
( mellow theme playing )
( sighs )
( sighs )
ALL: Merry Christmas, captain!
( all laughing )
What? What is this?
Well, frankly, captain,
we were feeling
kind of sorry for ourselves.
JULIE: Oh, you know, sir.
I mean, it's fun to spend
Christmas with the passengers,
but...
it's not the same as
spending it with your family.
BRICKER: And then
we got to thinking,
well, we don't just
have one family...
we've got two.
GOPHER: And...
well, you're not just
the captain to us, sir.
You're the head of the family.
Our family.
And why shouldn't our family
spend Christmas together?
( sweet theme playing )
You see, uh...
sometimes we try
too hard to, uh...
get what we've had all along.
( sneezes )
Oh, you...
Think that I'm
allergic to this beard.
I want to say
something to all of you.
I'm proud... to have
you on my crew.
I'm even prouder...
to count you among my friends.
Oh, this darn beard.
Sir. It's for you.
It's from all of us.
Well, I, uh... I-I
thought we had a rule
that we'd never exchange
Christmas presents.
Well, sir, we
thought just this once.
A rule is a rule, Mr. Smith.
But sometimes...
rules were made...
to be broken.
( all laugh )
Merry Christmas!
Why, thank you, sir.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, sir.
( tender theme playing )
AUDREY: ♪ The first
"Noel" The angels did say ♪
♪ Was to certain poor
shepherds In fields as they lay ♪
♪ In fields as they Lay
keeping their sheep ♪
♪ On a cold winter's
night That was so deep ♪
Come on, everybody.
ALL: ♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪
( applause, chatter )
Very beautiful, Mrs. Baynes.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
I can taste that turkey already.
BRICKER: Didn't you tell him?
Oh, the captain
said there might be
some rain, and he wondered
if you'd mind going topside
and changing the regular flags
for the rubber flags.
( light music playing over PA )
Oh.
Rubber flags?
( all laughing ) Ah. Look here.
Good evening.
( "O Little Town of Bethlehem"
instrumental playing over PA )
There's the captain's
table over there.
Dan.
Get lost, Perry.
I've gotta talk to you.
Honey... It's all
right, sweetheart.
Now, look, you've done
everything you can do.
Now just stay away from me.
Keep out of my life.
Dan, listen.
You gave me a gift
last night: my life.
Now I wanna give you
something in return.
I, uh...
I contacted the
police in Los Angeles.
When we get back, I'm
gonna turn myself in...
make a full confession.
And, uh...
I also wrote to the
State Bar Commission.
You'll be practicing
law again very soon.
( sighs )
Walt, thank you.
Merry Christmas, Dan.
Merry Christmas.
( captain laughing ) Oh.
( people chattering )
Good evening.
Good evening. Merry
Christmas. Good evening.
Hi. Good evening.
Beautiful dress.
Thank you.
It's a beautiful table.
It's a beautiful life.
Father Lewicki, some of the guys
collected some stuff
you might like at the orphanage.
Uh, sports equipment,
uh, books, stuff like that.
All right! All right.
Wow.
Oh, we'd love it. Thanks.
Well, where do
we send it, Father?
Give it to the captain.
He can bring it when
he comes next time.
Captain Stubing?
Yes. He comes every month.
No. No, he... He-he
must have me confused
with some other captain.
You're crazy.
You took us to the
ball game last month.
Uh, captain, you wouldn't
have anything to do
with that mysterious man
who's been sending these kids
on a cruise every
year, would you?
You know, the one with
"more dollars than sense"?
Tsk. Bah, humbug!
Come on, let's eat
ourselves a turkey.
( laughs )
( "We Wish You a Merry
Christmas" playing )
( upbeat theme playing )
Hey. Thank you
for a wonderful trip.
Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I'll say one thing
for you, Mr. Barton.
You sure seem a lot happier
than when you came aboard.
You bet I am.
You know what today is?
Yes, sir. Monday.
Nope.
Today is the first
day... ( chuckles )
of the rest of my life.
Aw. Goodbye.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
AUDREY: Oh,
darling, I'm so happy.
Me too.
I've got a confession to make.
When I came on this cruise, I...
I was hoping you'd
ask me for a divorce.
Really?
Well, I has hoping
the same thing.
You're kidding?
This cruise really changed us.
Yes.
We're two completely
different people now.
( warbles loudly )
( blows nose loudly )
( both laugh )
Oh, I love you.
( sings ) ( laughing )
Thanks for everything,
captain. Mm-hm.
We had a good time.
Here. From us kids.
Thanks for, uh, the trip.
Champagne?
Now, how did you kids
get your hands on this
bottle of champagne?
Where there's a
will, there's a way.
( mouths ): Oh.
Let's go, you guys.
BRICKER: I guess that's Will
on the bottom and Wayne on top.
( upbeat theme playing )